Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Coin-Op Review: 'Devil World' (1987)

It's a lot like Gauntlet ... except way, way shittier.

By: Jimbo X

It being Halloween and all, I figure now is a most opportune time to revisit an obscure, somewhat horror-themed arcade game, ain't it? Unfortunately, I picked Konami's Devil World at random and boy, did I get hosed

Also known as Maju no Okoku, Devil World is a game that doesn't even attempt to mask the fact it's ripping off a much better game. This is just a shameless, brazen swipe of Gauntlet, except inferior in just about every way you can think of. The graphics, the audio, the controls, the character design, the pace, the structure, hell, I'm pretty sure all the joysticks on the Devil World cabinets are stickier, too. It's a bad, bad game from one of the greatest developers in video game history, which is even more confounding because it was arguably right around their creative apex as designers; so, if nothing else, I guess we can't say it's not noteworthy for somethin'.

Now, this is the Japanese/European version of the game we're talking about here. The game was ported to U.S. arcades under an entirely different name, Dark Adventure, and it was WAY different. I mean, the levels were pretty much the same and the sprites didn't change, but the core gameplay was completely revamped. But yeah, we'll save the comparin' and contrastin' for the tail end of the article; for the time being, let's just dissect Devil World for what it is - and isn't - why don't we?

Alright, this here is a two-player game. You can either play as this Indiana Jones wannabe named Condor or some bitch in a pink dress named Labryna (pronounced "luh-brine-ugh," as the game's disembodied announcer will remind you over and over again.) Condor has a handgun, and Labryna is armed with a crossbow; beyond that, though, they play practically identically. 

Time for the prologue. Condor opens a tomb, a ghost jumps out and he and Labryna get sucked into the titular Devil World (not to be confused with Nintendo's entirely different Devil World, which was a Pac-Man clone about a crucifix-collecting dinosaur.) 

So here's the gist of the gameplay: seriously, it's fucking Gauntlet. You walk around, all these enemies try to kill you, you collect power ups, you fight bosses in dungeons and that's it. We begin the game in a green field, littered with stone pillars all over the place, with all these treasure chests made out of bones everywhere. So you kill the enemies (mostly, a bunch of green Minotaur guys and giant mud Golems) and you collect orbs, which are kinda' like the hearts in Castlevania because instead of healing you they just allow you to use your current weapon longer. Now, even though you start off with a crossbow or a gun, you can upgrade to more powerful weapons, including machine guns, flamethrowers, laser cannons and bazookas, plus you can pick up some secondary weapons like dynamite. The really weird thing is that you get to keep all five weapon types as you progress through the game, and every time you grab a power orb you get to quickly select which item you want to give more juice to. Of course, in the heat of battle you really don't have time to collect your wits and make a snap judgement on which weapon you want to re-up, so generally, you just wind up refueling your current weapon and don't even bother trying to ration anything.

But wait, I know you're thinking: how do you heal your character? Well, thankfully, plenty of power-up Coca-Cola cans are all over the place, so you're never really in that much jeopardy at any point in the game. And that's the perfect segue to my favorite thing about this otherwise shitty, shitty game: the announcer. Yes, this game features a really, really warbled voice doing play-by-play commentary for the entirety of the game. Even better, the audio stitching is absurdly delayed, so you'll have commentary strings that sound like this: "La-Brine-Ugh ... is given ... (literally a six second delay right here) ... food." It's probably the goddamn funniest thing I've ever heard in my life, and it's pretty much the *only* reason to even think about fishing this turd out of the .ROM folders.

So you get the key, you unlock the crypt doorknob, and that whisks you away to level two. It's another green field, with more bone chests and more Minotaurs (that are blue now.) Awesomely, using the flamethrower sets parts of the foreground on fire, and it stays on fire for a long time. But beyond that - eh, there's not really a whole lot to talk about here. You enter another crypt, and the screen urges you to "MOVE TO EYBENS." 

Yep, it's ANOTHER green field, with rock barricades and green elves lobbing hatchets at you. There's also a new enemy, these living trees that grab you and WILL NOT let you go for any reason ever. No, seriously, if you get caught in their clutches, they just hold on to you until you die, no matter how many times you hit the fire button, so be SUPER careful around these fucks. Even worse, you have to hit them about a billion times before they die, so these things are a strong candidate for most annoying enemy in any game ever - yes, even more annoying than that fucking eggplant motherfucker in Kid Icarus. Anyhoo, you keep doing the same thing you've been doing and eventually you find a shield, and then the screen tells you "MOVE TO DRAGON" and you have a boss fight against a two-headed dragon in a walled off, Zelda-esque room. Thankfully, it ain't too hard to kill, and that's our prompt to "MOVE TO NICOLIA."

Yes, it's the SAME backdrop as before - a lot of grass and rocks and shit. The Minotaurs are now grey and there are some trees (of the non-living variety) acting as foreground obstacles. You cross a rope bridge, kill some more Minotaurs and the announcer reminds you "key unlocks .... (literal five second pause) ... exit," just like he was Stevie from Malcolm in the Middle. So you get the key, you enter the crypt, and we "MOVE TO JOPLIN." Wait, like the city in Missouri?

Anyway, it's EXACTLY the same as the last four stages, so I don't know why I'm even bothering doing play-by-play anymore. The big difference here? The Minotaurs are red, and that's basically it. Then the game compels us to "MOVE TO KALAMAZOO." OK, now these people are just fucking with us now...

This is pretty much the entire game. Except without getting to experience the really, really shitty controls.

But hey, at least it gives us a new landscape! We're now inside a volcano, complete with chunks of molten lava balls flying everywhere. I guess now is a good time to let you know the music loops over and over, and periodically it just cuts off altogether for about a minute at a time. Then you fight ANOTHER two-headed dragon that looks just like the last two-headed dragon boss, and then you start wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life

Alright, so you find another key, unlock another crypt and we "MOVE TO PACIFICA." It's still in a volcano. You shoot bats, and you do some platforming across some moving rocks (PS: the jumping mechanics in this game are dog shit, so be prepared to overjump/underjump everything at least three or four times before you finally figure out just how much English you have to spin on it.) And also, the lava in these kinds of games always reminds me of lasagna, but asides

"MOVE TO KELARGO." You mean, like Key Largo? Eh, fuck this game's sense of humor. More bone boxes, and you have to deal with some new rat enemies. "MOVE TO LAROUX." Now you're on a rocky ledge, water is everywhere, bats are still chasing after you and what do you know, the stage concludes with yet another two-headed dragon boss fight, because fuck this game, that's why. 

"MOVE TO METROPOLIS" (and also, a lawsuit from D.C. Comics, if you keep it up.) Now we're inside a castle court, littered with blue Minotaurs, (non-living) tree obstacles, and more bone-boxes. Well, this game is shit to play, but at least it's fairly easy to describe. The castle here is actually pretty spacious - a nice-sized labyrinth, really. I got another really great announcer quip, too. "There is no escape, without ... (five second delay) ... a key."

"MOVE TO ESSES." The floor is green, the barriers are purple, some skeletons show up and so do some giant spiders. More bone boxes get broken, then we "MOVE TO ZARGOT." Time for more lava platforming, except now, each tile bounces up and down like a trampoline (you know, 'cause the jumping physics in this game weren't already screwy enough.) And after that, OF COURSE there's another fucking bi-headed dragon fight.

Now we "MOVE TO VEDA." The floating platforms are red, and you kill some spiders. "MOVE TO ENID." Now sentient maces attack you! Well, it's an original idea for an enemy, I'll give them that, at least.

And after that, we "MOVE TO BUNDRA," which thankfully, is the game's final stage. The floor is grey and these columns keep falling down in front of you. Then these giant rock monsters with six arms start shooting fireballs at you and the announcer yells "SPEED UP!" because you ain't killing them fast enough. The final boss fight is against this giant blue demon in a loincloth with Ronald McDonald's hairdo. "My friend will teach you a lesson!" the announcer warbles as these blinking blue Minotaurs start coming after you.

So they chase you around for a bit. There are no other props or obstacles in the room. After you kill them you get to finally go one-on-one with the end boss. Shoot him enough times, he turns into a statue and crumbles apart. The floor blinks red, you turn white and are transported on top of the Statue of Liberty, for whatever reason. And then the game concludes by giving you this grammatically correct message that still doesn't make a damn lick of sense:

So, uh, is that supposed to be a metaphor for something?

Apparently, there's also a "bad ending" you can get where your character winds up stuck on a raft in the middle of an ocean instead, but like I'm going to squander an afternoon replaying this one anytime soon. So back to Dark Adventure (a.k.a, the "Americanized" version of the game.) Aesthetically and structurally it's the same thing as Devil World, but with some MAJOR gameplay alterations. For starters, instead of being a projectile based game, it becomes a melee weapon based game. Condor's pistol gets swapped out for a whip, that one bitch's crossbow is traded for a sword, and there's a third playable character not included in the Japanese/European iteration named Zorlock who looks like a British professor and has a spear. And like in Castlevania, you can upgrade your weapon to increase its range (complete with the announcer quipping "Condor, your whip is longer") and there are a couple of sub-weapons littering the playing space, too. But beyond that, the game are pretty much one and the same. And in case you are wondering, the audio stitching in Dark Adventure is WAY better than in Demon World, even though the commentary remains hilariously garbled (albeit, without the insanely long pauses anymore.)

So, is there any reason to experience this game? Eh, not really, unless you want to see how a company can make one really great arcade horror game one year and then turn around and trot out a colossal coin-op clump of crap during the same 365-day window. It's hardly anything more than a subpar Gauntlet wannabe, and you're way better off playing stuff like Smash TV or Total Chaos or ESPECIALLY Mercs instead. Yes it's obscure and it's quirky and it's way off the beaten path, but none of those "qualities" make Devil World worth a shit; all in all, this is just a bad game, plain and simple, and it ain't worth wastin' anybody's time.

Monday, September 25, 2017

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (Sept. 25, 2017 Edition)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance!

By: Jimbo X

Oregon scrubs gang database because there aren't enough white people on it

Even for a West Coast liberal utopia, Portland is so far gone on the continuum of hippie-dippie-ness that we might as well consider it a foreign nation. Indeed, such is the kind of environs were elected officials celebrate passing laws that give illegal immigrants access to taxpayer-subsidized abortions and rally behind legislation decriminalizing heroin possessionBearing in mind the city's proud reputation as America's foremost hipster hotbed (not surprising, really since it's far and away the whitest major city in the U.S.), none of us were surprised when the Portland Police Bureau on Sept. 8 announced they were suspending their two-decade-old gang activity monitoring program. Alas, what was noteworthy was WHY they dropped their gang member registration protocol - because some blame-whitey-first social activist masquerading as a journalist released a news story for The Oregonian stating that of the 359 people on the city's current gang member registry, approximately 230 of 'em were of the black persuasion. And since blacks only make up about 7 percent of Portland's total population and it's just plain racist to assume black youths are more likely to engage in gang culture and activities than Jews, the Chinese and suburban white kids (even though F.B.I. data proves it), the po-po had no choice but to put the kibosh on formally designating anybody as a gang member anymore. "There are still criminal gang members," The Oregonian quotes Capt. Mike Krantz. "That doesn't go away because we don't have a gang designation. We're not pretending gang violence doesn't exist. We're just taking this one thing away." Bullshit to English translation: "Alright, if you don't want us to acknowledge that all the people killing each other in the streets like dogs over diss tracks and Air Jordans are all the same color as Folgers Black Silk, we'll proudly do our best professional rasslin' referee impersonation and ALWAYS conveniently look the other way." At the heart of the discussion was the police's decision to place people on the gang database without a criminal conviction or an arrest, which, oddly enough, is something that states like Georgia already does with their sex offender registries and something the federal government already does with gun owners irrespective of their criminal histories. I can understand why "concerned community activists" might have some qualms about putting non-arrested or non-convicted people on a registry, but why is it a good thing to remove those who have been arrested, charged and convicted of gang-related crimes from the same rolls? Alas, since a good four-fifths of those on Portland's gang member spread sheets were criminals of color, the P.D. reckoned it was nigh time to give the program the boot - you know, because being accused of racial profiling is infinitely worse than having to deal with a good 300 or so gang-related shootings over the span of one year. "As times have changed, the Police Bureau in partnership with community members have realized being labeled a 'gang member' can have a negative impact on the person who may be making attempts to overcome the life challenges they face," the city police department announced in a press release shortly after the termination of the gang database was made public. "Today, new technologies allow police to investigate crimes in a manner that our community supports and that will not have the unintended consequences of potentially harming those who may need services the most." Bullshit to English Translation, numero dos: "Instead of putting black kids who commit armed robberies and do drive-bys in front of playgrounds in prison, we'll just let the bullets fly where they may and try to scrounge up some general fund dollars for a couple more midnight basketball programs." The city's willful refusal to call a spade a spade when it comes to gangbangers is but one example of the ever-increasing seepage of politically correct dogma into government policy, and one that jeopardizes (if not flatout compromises) public safety simply to put up a facade of progressivism. Keeping in mind this and other recent law enforcement policy shifts (such as Sacramento's decision to pay gang members to not kill one another) one can't help but wonder what the end dividends of this kinder, gentler, more enlightened approach to P.O.C. policing will be. My guess? A safer, saner society with far fewer young black men in prison ... and a whole hell lot more of them dead in the gutter with bullets lodged in their skulls for wearing the wrong colored baseball cap. Hey - such is the price of progress, isn't it?

Leftists try really, really hard to make It about white privilege

After doing a 5,000 word recap of the novel and an in-depth review of the new movie, I'm pretty sick of writing about It, but by golly, we've got to talk about Regina Hansen's new-ish academic paper, Stephen King's 'It' and 'Dreamcatcher' on Screen: Hegemonic White Masculinity and Nostalgia for Underdog Boyhood. In the Boston University professor's screed, she derides King's killer clown opus for, among other things, It's "white, straight and able-bodied" male characters and achieving "hegemonic status for their underdog heroes at least in part through the marginalization of female characters, black characters, gay characters and characters with disabilities." Of course, it's a bit of a head-scratcher as to why academicians of the like never demand more diversity in books and movies where the characters are predominantly black, or predominantly female, or predominantly gay, and why they ONLY see identity politics as a destructive social phenomenon when it involves whites, men or heterosexuals. But in this case, you have to wonder what kind of LSD Hansen put in her Tampon, seeing as how It is a novel that BEMOANS alpha male bullying, features a woman and a black dude as its strongest characters, promotes Jew and Gentile social integration, posited gays as innocent victims of Reagan-era conservatism and whose primary male leads suffer from stuttering and debilitating asthma - you know, not exactly what you'd deem exemplars of able-bodied-ness. But if you think that's retarded, just wait until you see what the fine clickbait purveyors at Buzzfeed did. Apparently in dire need of some content before noon, they ran an article titled "People Have Decided Pennywise from It is Gay and He's Dating the Babadook," which, as the name suggests, implies that the nefarious rogue from King's new movie is indeed a homosexual. Of course, that just raises the question: why exactly would the LGBT community be OK with appropriating a child predator and remorseless killer as one of their official mascots?

Who's ready for Loot-A-Mania 2017!

Everybody's got their favorite post-Irma story. Some people thought it was a real knee-slapper when those eight geezers in Hollywood, Fla. all died of heat exhaustion 'cause the back-up nursing home A.C. conked out, and I did guffaw a plenty hearing about that sign language interrupter in Manatee County who tried to warn the local hearing-impaired about "big bears" and "pizza monsters" in the aftermath of the storm, but my absolute favorite thing about ANY post-hurricane coverage has to be all the great stories about looting ... which, try as they may, the media just can't sweep under the rug no more, thanks to the advent of the Internet. You may not have heard CNN or Good Morning America talking too much about it, but as the verified stories below indicate, there was indeed quite a bit of post-storm pillaging and plundering going on in F-L-A recently ...

Of course, crappy liberal clickbait sites like Mic were quick to issue scathing/retarded articles trudging up random photos of Hurricane Katrina from 13 years ago as proof that "looting" is a racist dog whistle, with one tweet from Miami PD goading literal communist Sarah Jaffe to respond "the carceral state exists to protect private property and is inseparable from white supremacy," which I suppose means she's TOTALLY cool with everybody breaking into her place tonight and taking all her shit, especially since she herself is one of those evil honkies who are born with the blood of a million black slaves on their souls. Alas, the narrative collapses as soon as you hear about what happened in Jacksonville during Irma; I mean, is it really racist fascism when the cops are also arresting white dudes for stealing power poles?

U.K. officials mull disenfranchising people for online comments

At this point, the United Kingdom has pretty much become the totalitarian, ideological prison-state of 1984, and few stories indicate just how far the U.K. has gone down the canal of liberal fascism than the nation's actual Elections Commission urging legislators to create laws that would bar people who make fun of elected officials from participating in the electoral process. "In some instances electoral law does specify offences in respect of behaviour that could also amount to an offence under the general, criminal law," the organization recently stated. "It may be that similar special electoral consequences could act as a deterrent to abusive behaviour in relation to candidates and campaigners." If you're wondering what the catalyst for such brass-balled, despotic, free expression squelching public policy is, the most likely culprit is Labour Party Shadow Secretary (no, for real, that's what they choose to call the position) Diane Abbott, who claims she was endlessly berated online for being - and this is her quote, not mine - "a pathetic, useless, fat, black, piece of shit, ugly, fat, black bitch." And since the U.K. is in the hands of Theresa May, there's a pretty good chance taking away people's rights to vote for talking shit online could indeed become a reality. "I think what she would say is that there is a clear difference between legitimate scrutiny and conduct that is fueled by hate and personal abuse," said a Downing Street spokeswoman. "She asked the Committee on Standards in Public Life to have a look at that and we'll see what they come back with." 

Black woman declares jihad on Hobby Lobby for selling decorative faux cotton

On Sept. 14, Daniell Rider, who (if the near hysterical levels of moral indignation didn't give it away, the largely incorrect sentence syntax and grammar of her social media posts does) just so happens to be of the African-American persuasion, went to Hobby Lobby (a popular arts and crafts store in the States perhaps most famous for challenging the constitutionality of Obamacare's mandatory employee-provided birth control provision) and was AGHAST at what she saw. There, smackdab in the seasonal decor aisle was a giant twig of synthetic cotton. "There is nothing decorative about raw cotton," she said in a Facebook post that has since garnered more than 20,000 likes and shares, "a commodity which was gained at the expense of African-American slaves. A little sensitivity goes a long ways. PLEASE REMOVE this 'decor.'" Of course, one would wonder if Ms. Rider owns any cotton shirts, or towels or Q-Tips, or has ever had to experience the indignation of having to pull wads of cotton out of a bottle of Tylenol. Or whether she realizes the synthetic floral arrangement was likely made by some Chinese or Indonesian person living in what is tantamount to modern slavery conditions. Or is even aware of the fact cotton has existed for millennia, and remains a lucrative cash crop in the U.S. 150 years after slavery was abolished. Alas, as we all know by now, the P.O.C. herd dynamic just can't turn down an opportunity to yell "exploitation of my ancestors!," and the Fake Cotton Arrangement Matters contingent has already collected its first scalp; the one belonging to Lipscomb University President Randy Lowry, who was forced to apologize for having decorative stalks of cotton in his home while giving free dinner to a gaggle of black students.

University of Virginia vigilantes 'shut down' cops-and-robbers-themed fraternity party

You know, when you're entire shtick revolves around constantly being marginalized and oppressed, it might be a good idea every now and then to take a nice, long look in the mirror and ask yourself who's really displaying the most marginalizing attitudes and oppressive behaviors in your neck of the woods. Case in point, a Sept. 7 incident at the University of Virginia, in which nearly two dozen members of a leftist vigilante student group called UVA Students United crashed a fraternity costume party in which all the guys were dressed like jailbirds and all the women were dressed like sexy police officers. Now, when we use terms like "crashed" and "shut down," we should also refer to them by their more common, lawful terms, which is "trespassed" and "tried to break into," which isn't exactly the best behavior to exhibit to convince others you're not a bunch of lawless thugs doped up to the gills on self-righteousness. On Facebook, members of Students United tried to rationalize their quite illegal actions by stating "these 'costumes' make a joke of mass incarceration and the prison-industrial complex, systems that disproportionately brutalize people of color" and "historically, the police have justified violence against people of color in the name of protecting white women, and in wearing these costumes, these women made a joke of that legacy of violence." Alas, the UVA Students United group had no comment when statistical discrepancies on interracial rape or homicide were brought up ... no doubt because facts are indelibly instruments of white supremacy.

Back in black (violent crime)

As you should all know by now, stereotypes are a very, very bad thing, especially ones that involve the adscription of negative behavioral traits and characteristics to entire ethnic groups, even if reams of scientific data would (erroneously) suggest those assertions to be true. As a public service, we here at The Internet Is In America would like to take the time to dispel the mythology that black people in the United States are statistically more likely to engage in violent criminal behavior by noting just how aberrational and unrepresentative of the bulk of Black America the following incidents and events truly are:

And lest you think the following was an attempt to monger fear of African-Americans, I'll leave you with the following news item, involving the actions of one Aphiwe Mapekula, a 23-year-old from South Africa who, on Sept. 9, slit the throat of 35-year-old Thembisa Masumpa, beheaded her and taunted police by eating the flesh off her decapitated skull. After Mapekula lunged at them with a knife, the police had no choice but to unload on the 23-year-old cannibal killer, whom died from his injuries three days later. Oddly enough, this occurred just weeks after four more men in South Africa were arrested for raping, murdering and then eating a female victim in Estcourt - only to have 300 more villagers show up at a community hearing, admit that they too have a fondness for human flesh and demand their release from prison. I mean, not that we're trying to promote phagophobia or anything like that ...

Sex dolls could spell the end of humanity, warns I.T. experts

I don't know if ya'll are aware of it, but the sex doll industry has gotten really advanced over the last couple of years. Gone are the days of balloon-like rubber women with giant cups for lips (both sets) that were featured prominently in just about every 1980s teen sex comedy; today, folks are willing to fork over tens of thousands of dollars for hyper-realistic robotic fuck buddies that blink, talk and even spit out gobs of synthetic vaginal goop for both fun and profit. And as strange as it may sound, such inventions could pose the greatest risk of a real-life Terminator machines-revolting-against-man scenario to date. Enter I.T. expert Dr. Nick Patterson, who recently voiced his cyber security concerns to The Daily Star in the U.K.:

"Hackers canhack into a robot or a robotic device and have full control of the connections, arms, legs and other attached tools like in some cases knives or welding devices. Often these robots can be upwards of 200 pounds, and very strong. Once a robot is hacked, the hacker has full control and can issue instructions to the robot. The last thing you want is for a hacker to have control over one of these robots! Once hacked they could absolutely be used to perform physical actions for an advantageous scenario or to cause damage.

So just how long until we start seeing psycho-controlled Realdolls running down the street, stabbing random hobos and shooting up middle schools? I've got the over/under at two years, personally...

Hispanic robber suing the civilian who beat the shit out of him during an armed robbery

There's an old episode of Married ... with Children in which a burglar tries to break into the Bundy residence, only for Al to catch him and knock him silly. Well, a few days later the guy who broke into his house sends a lawyer after him to let him know he's suing Al for assault. Back in the early, early 1990s, such was a ludicrous premise, but now, modernity is imitating sitcom art. In July, 30-year-old Ryan Flores donned a Transformers mask, waltzed into a Starbucks in Fresno, Calif. and threatened the cashier with a toy gun and a real knife. Well, it didn't take long for civilian Cregg Jerri, 58, to intervene; he bashed Flores over the head with a chair, wrestled the knife away from the robber and then stabbed Flores more than a dozen times. Well, now Flores has announced his intents to SUE Jerri for beating the hell out of him while he was actively committing an armed robbery. "He has 17 total stab wounds, lacerations and defensive wounds," Flores' mother told a local TV station. "The guy, in my opinion, went from a Good Samaritan to a vigilante. Stabbing somebody that many times, it doesn't take that many stab wounds to get somebody to succumb to you." Now, considering this is California we're talking about here, there actually is a better than average chance this case indeed makes it to court. And if it does, may we advise Jerri to take a page out of Al Bundy's playbook and punch Flores in the mouth, then sue him for injuring his hand with his face?

California legislators introduce bill that would infect countless people with AIDS in the name of "tolerance"

Just when I thought that federal resolution the Dimmicrats made Donald Trump sign (the one demanding we all reject "white nationalism, white supremacy and neo-Nazism as hateful expressions of intolerance" and "speak out against hate groups that espouse racism, extremism, xenophobia, anti-Semitism and white supremacy") was the dumbest thing any legislative body has done this year, here comes the proud state of Cucksafornia to do us one better. On Sept. 11 (a good a day as any to fuck things up, I suppose), the California legislature passed a bill that would decriminalize the act of knowingly exposing another person to HIV without telling them, which State Sen. Scott Wiener of San Francisco (yeah, that surprised me too) said was discriminatory against the people who CHOOSE to infect other people with AIDS. "Right now HIV is singled out for uniquely harsh treatment as a felony," Wiener told the L.A. Times. "These laws do not prevent HIV infections. All they do is stigmatize people living with HIV and reduce access to testing and care." Not surprisingly, every single Republican in the state assembly voted against the measure, including licensed pharmacist Jeff Stone, who said condemning someone to a lifetime of ultra-expensive drug therapies to prevent dying from the common cold at age 35 probably should remain a jailable offense. Alas, we haven't gotten to the literally insane part of the bill: the component that would LEGALLY allow individuals to donate blood and/or semen WITHOUT DISCLOSING THEY HAVE AIDSIt's no stunner which groups support the individual right to taint the nation's blood supply with an incurable, terminal disease sans criminal penalties: the ACLU, the Black Aids Institute, and - of course - Equality California, whose desire for others to incur a lifetime of pain and suffering pretty much epitomizes the suicidal levels of abject nihilism and relentless self-loathing pulsating through liberal America these days. Still, there were some signs of intelligence in California, as evident by San Diego State Sen. Joel Anderson's rebuke of the proposition. "I'm of the mind that if you purposefully inflict another with a disease that alters their lifestyle the rest of their life, puts them on a regiment of medications to maintain any kind of normalcy, it should be a felony," he said. "It's absolutely crazy to me that we should go light on this."

The most terrifying headline of the year (that the media wouldn't even tell you about)

When most people talk about threats to American sovereignty, you expect the usual strings of abstract and physical perils; on the liberal side of the equation you've got white supremacy, climate change and wealth-inequality, and on the conservative side you've got illegal immigration, Islamic terrorism and demographical dysgenics. Alas, while the media is hell bent on trying to convince us Confederate statue-worshiping neo-Nazis are going to overthrow half the continental U.S. over the next 10 years and man-made weather patterns are going to turn us into Waterworld by 2037, neither Republicans or Democrats are talking - or doing much of anything - about the most tangible threat to the unity of the United States: our skyrocketing, nigh-insurmountable national debt, which officially eclipsed the $20 trillion mark on Sept. 8. That's especially significant because it now means the national debt is larger than the nation's gross domestic product, which as of mid September 2017, stood at about $19.3 trillion. Granted, it ain't exactly easy describing what the National Debt is, but a quick itemized breakdown ought to give you a good idea of the direness of the situation:

Debt owed to foreign governments: $6 trillion ($1.1 trillion each owed to China and Japan)

Debt owed to Social Security: $2.8 trillion

Debt owed to the Federal Reserve: $2.4 trillion

Debt owed to private mutual funds: $1.6 trillion

And that's not even counting the debt owed to the federal Office of Personnel Management (which is almost $1 trillion all by its lonesome, despite the OPM only having 6,000 or so employees), and the nation's combined state and local government debts, which is almost another $1 trillion to add to the tally. Every single day, U.S. currency is becoming less and less valuable, and it's only a matter of time until the money we need eclipses the amount of money we have for social services, national defense and basic infrastructure. And since the global economy is practically tied up in U.S. treasury bonds, all it takes is one sudden economic plunge and the ENTIRE international financial system could implode. The math is all but inescapable - financially, the U.S. is on a collision course with economic ruin, and instead of addressing it as the enormous existential threat it is, here we are rioting over transgender bathrooms and Robert E. Lee monuments.

Whenever I look at the National Debt, I'm reminded of Theodore Kaczynski's all too ominous poem "Ship of Fools," an allegory about a humble cabin boy desperately, direly trying to warn the identity politics-obsessed passengers of a cruise ship that they were about to run headlong into an iceberg. The final nine graphs of the poem, I believe, are well worth printing in full considering our current cultural climate:

The cabin boy this time was getting angry. 
“You damn fools!” he shouted. “Don’t you see what the captain and the mates are doing? They’re keeping you occupied with your trivial grievances about blankets and wages and the dog being kicked so that you won’t think about what is really wrong with this ship — that it’s getting farther and farther to the north and we’re all going to be drowned. If just a few of you would come to your senses, get together, and charge the poop deck, we could turn this ship around and save ourselves. But all you do is whine about petty little issues like working conditions and crap games and the right to suck cocks.” 
The passengers and the crew were incensed. 
“Petty!!” cried the Mexican, “Do you think it’s reasonable that I get only three-fourths the wages of an Anglo sailor? Is that petty?” 
“How can you call my grievance trivial? shouted the bosun. “Don’t you know how humiliating it is to be called a fruit?” 
“Kicking the dog is not a ‘petty little issue!’” screamed the animal-lover. “It’s heartless, cruel, and brutal!” 
“Alright then,” answered the cabin boy. “These issues are not petty and trivial. Kicking the dog is cruel and brutal and it is humiliating to be called a fruit. But in comparison to our real problem — in comparison to the fact that the ship is still heading north — your grievances are petty and trivial, because if we don’t get this ship turned around soon, we’re all going to drown.”
“Fascist!” said the professor. 
“Counterrevolutionary!” said the lady passenger. And all of the passengers and crew chimed in one after another, calling the cabin boy a fascist and a counterrevolutionary. They pushed him away and went back to grumbling about wages, and about blankets for women, and about the right to suck cocks, and about how the dog was treated. The ship kept sailing north, and after a while it was crushed between two icebergs and everyone drowned.

Sigh ... if only we would've listened to you, you sage, university-bombing hermit motherfucker. If only we would've listened.

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...

Championship greyhound racer in Ireland tests positive for cocaine

Slate chides 11-year-old for wanting to mow the White House lawn

North Londoners concerned by decision to move home for abused children next door to therapy center for pedophiles

White St. Louis reporter assaulted by black protesters ... on camera

John Jay College adjunct professor says he looks forward to teaching 'future dead cops'

All 96 of the suspects in St. Louis' 2017 homicide cases are black, says city police report

Japan's most popular porn star is a midget who appears in Having Sex in the Magic Mirror Box Car with a Female College Student with F-Cup Breasts Who Wants to be a Kindergarten Teacher

Facebook refuses to remove post from Black Nationalist organization promising to make white people drink their own blood

Detroit Lions ban season ticket holder for life for saying "ignorant niggers" on social media

New Netflix series revolves around preteen cartoon character's talking vagina

Tranny at Georgia Tech threatens cops with knife, repeatedly yells "shoot me" and gets exactly what it asked for

Amazon deletes all one-star reviews of Hillary Clinton's new book

ESPN anchor calls Donald Trump a "white supremacist," doesn't lose job

Crane meant to topple Robert E. Lee statue falls over, kills one in Dallas

Teens in Queens break into cemetery, spray-paint "I hate sand niggers" and "Fuck Jackie Chan" on headstones

Parents in Hawaii suing school district for sending hammer-swinging masked man into classrooms to threaten their lives during 9/11 video presentation

Asian Washington Post writer says black citizens, Mexican immigrants too stupid to do jobs reserved for DACA recipients

Montreal playground vandalized to resemble signage at Auschwitz

Female American college students sprayed in the face with acid in France, local authorities refuse to classify it as a terrorist attack

YouTube refuses to take down music video showing raper lynching white child

Pakistani Christian sentenced to death for sending poem over WhatsApp

Detroit physician, seven others arrested for mutilating genitals of underage girls

Sunday, September 24, 2017

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Paleface score heap points - a.k.a., let's all take a (Wounded) Knee"

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including today's road game against Washington. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Sept. 24 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter) 

3:33 PM - We're about five hours from kickoff, but I've got some free time so I'll just hurry up and lay out the pregame statistics.

3:34 PM - For the Raiders, safety Sean Smith is questionable. For the Redskins, safety Montae Nicholson, linebacker Mason Foster, running back Rob Kelley, tight end Jordan Reed and cornerback Josh Norman are all gametime decisions.

3:37 PPM - The Raiders are three point favorites and the under/over is set at 53.5. ESPN's Pro Football Index says the Raiders have a 50.8 percent chance of winning the game and there's a 0.4 percent chance of a tie. 

3:39 PM - Heading into tonight's game Derek Carr has 5 TDs and 492 passing yards. Kirk Cousins has two TDs, 1 INT and 419 yards. 

3:40 PM - Oakland's top rusher is Marshawn Lynch (121 yards, 1 TD) while Washington's most productive back is Rob Kelley (108 yards.) The Raiders' top receiver is Michael Crabtree (three touchdowns, 163 yards) and the Redskins' top receiver is Terrelle Pryor (97 yards) - who, as fate would have it, was the Raiders' starting QB just four seasons ago.

7:37 PM - Time for an update about an hour ahead of kickoff. Sean Smith has been upgraded to ACTIVE for tonight's game. Meanwhile, Jordan Reed and Rob Kelley have both been ruled inactive for the contest.

7:38 PM - And a few more numbers while we have the time. The Raiders are posting 246 passing yards a game and 144.5 rushing yards per game. For the Redskins the numbers are 209.5 yards passing per game and 146.5 yards rushing (but remember, they are without their best running back tonight.)

7:40 PM - And in terms of defense? The Raiders are allowing 211 passing yards per game and 110.5 yards rushing per game. The Redskins are allowing 277 yards passing per game and 77.5 yards per game rushing. 

7:41 PM - Overall, the Raiders are putting up 35.5 points per game and allowing 18. The Redskins are putting up 22 per game and allowing 25.

7:51 PM - Now Donald Penn's talking shit about Donald Trump. Man, what a time to be alive; a world in which *standing* for a tribute to dead soldiers is considered "offensive."

8:29 PM - Derek Carr was the only Raider standing for the anthem. And even then, it looked more like he was praying than doing anything else. 

8:30 PM - As it turns out, if the Raiders were to have stayed in the locker room, they would have been penalized 15 yards and forfeited the coin toss. And now Chris Collins is flapping his gums against Trump. 

8:31 PM - Oh, that's right, we have an actual football game to accompany all this virtue signalling bullshit. Raiders get possession first at their own 25 following a touchback.

8:32 PM - Lynch runs it up the gut for about three.

8:32 PM - Second and 7. Monte Nicholson with an interception. That's Carr's first INT of the season.

8:33 PM - They're reviewing whether Nicholson got touched by Cooper after the INT. Apparently, he did, so that negates his runback.

8:34 PM - Still reviewing it. Alright, that puts the ball back 25 yards.

8:36 PM - At the WSH 33. Khalil Mack gobbles up the back after a short pick-up.

8:37 PM - Second and eight. Washington's rookie back gets a short gain.

8:37 PM - Third and six. Vernon Davis gets bounced out of bounds at the OAK 47. That's a 26-yard pass.

8:38 PM - The back gets hit right at the line.

8:39 PM - Second and 9. Crowder gets enough to move the chains.

8:39 PM - Samaje Perine runs it up the gut. 

8:40 PM - Second and six. Perine gets hit right at the line.

8:40 PM - Third and five. And Thompson gallops in for a TD.

8:41 PM - The PAT is good. The Redskins lead it 7-0.

8:44 PM - That's going to be a touchback. Raiders get it back at their own 25.

8:45 PM - Lynch runs it for three.

8:46 PM - Second and seven. And Carr gets sacked.

8:46 PM - Third and 13. And Carr gets sacked AGAIN. Raiders have to punt.

8:50 PM - A five yard gain for Perine on first down.

8:51 PM - Cousins hit as he throws, but the tight end still makes the catch. 

8:51 PM - Good pressure from Mario Edwards, Jr. Third and nine. A flag is down.

8:52 PM - False start against the offense. That's a five yard penalty against Washington.

8:53 PM - Crowder makes the catch but he's three yards shy of moving the sticks. Flags are down.

8:53 PM - Pass interference against the offense. The Raiders decline. Redskins have to punt.

8:54 PM - Richard goes down at the OAK 11.

8:56 PM - Patterson gets almost nine on the run.

8:56 PM - Second and two. Incomplete to Cook.

8:57 PM - Third and 2. And Lynch gets dropped well short of the first down marker.

8:58 PM - Raiders punt. The return man fair catches it at the WSH 19.

9:01 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the run.

9:02 PM - Yep, Perine is that kid from Oklahoma. Second and 8. Flags everywhere. It's offsides on the Redskins.

9:02 PM - Second and 13. Caught by Ryan Grant at the WSH 31.

9:03 PM - Conley got beat bad on that one. Cousins hit as he's thrown, but Pryor makes the catch.

9:03 PM - Second and three. Looks like Perine got hit by a loss.

9:04 PM - Third and six. The pass is too high. Redskins are forced to punt.

9:05 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 22.

9:06 PM - Crabtree drops the pass.

9:06 PM - Second and 10. Lynch rumbles for about five.

9:07 PM - Third and five. And Amari Cooper hauls in the pass to give Carr his first completion of the game. But flags are down.

9:08 PM - It's a holding call against the Raiders. Time to scooch back ten yards.

9:09 PM - And that's the end of the quarter.

9:11 PM - Third and nine. And Cooper can't reel it in. Raiders must punt.

9:12 PM - The Redskins down it at their own 16.

9:13 PM - Davis scrambles for about seven. Flags are down.

9:14 PM - Holding against the Redskins. It's on Pryor. 

9:15 PM - First and 20. Perine takes it for about 10.

9:15 PM - Second and 11. Thompson runs for about four.

9:15 PM - Third and three. So I guess that last run was longer than four yards. AND COUSINS GETS SACKED BY MACK!

9:16 PM - Richard gets wrapped up at the OAK 30. 

9:20 PM - Cook takes a pass about eight, maybe nine yards.

9:21 PM - Neutral zone infraction against Washington. So the Raiders get an automatic first down.

9:21 PM - Lynch runs for about one yard.

9:21 PM - Second and nine. Lynch with about seven yards on a catch.

9:21 PM - Third and one. And Carr throws ANOTHER interception. 

9:23 PM - Perine runs for about nine.

9:23 PM - The back gets about three yards on run.

9:24 PM - Grant runs enough for a first down.

9:24 PM - Perine runs for about eight.

9:25 PM - Pryor gets both feet in for a huge gain.

9:26 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the first down run.

9:26 PM - Davis with a short gain.

9:27 PM - Third and six. And Crowder gets enough to move the sticks.

9:27 PM - Perine takes it to the OAK 15.

9:28 PM - Second and six. Crowder hit right at the line.

Your pick: virtue signal or actually win fucking football games.

9:29 PM - Third and nine. And there's Vernon Davis for the touchdown. 

9:30 PM - The PAT is good. Redskins extend their lead to 14-0.

9:33 PM - Raiders take the touchback. 

9:33 PM - Richard runs for about 11. 

9:34 PM - Richard gets four on the catch.

9:34 PM - Richard hit for a huge loss on second and 6.

9:35 PM - Third and 13. Olawale is in the backfield. And there's the two minute warning.

9:38 PM - Third and 13. Seth Robert picks up the pass, but he's why short of the first down marker.

9;40 PM - Raiders punt again.

9:42 PM - Redskins take over at their own 15. Thompson with a 13-yard run.

9:43 PM - Thompson takes it up to midfield before being pushed out of bounds.

9:44 PM - That was a 23 yard gain. It's incomplete on second down.

9:44 PM - Thompson runs it up the gut for a short gain. The Skins take a timeout.

9:45 PM - Third and six. Looks like Davis is a yard shy. But the refs give Washington a good spot so it's a de facto first down.

9:46 PM - Now they're going to look at the spot of the ball.

9:48 PM - Now the refs are saying it's short. The clock has been rolled back to 39 seconds.

9:48 PM - Fourth and inches. The Skins take a delay of game penalty.

9:50 PM - Skins punt. TJ Carrie fair catches it inside the Raiders' 15.

9:51 PM - The Raiders just take a knee, and that's it for the first half.

9:52 PM - Well, this game has been an absolute disaster for the Raiders thus far. Derek Carr has been sacked twice, thrown two interceptions and recorded only five completions for 32 yards. Their run game isn't do much better, having accumulated just 24 yards of ground offense after two quarters of play.

9:53 PM - Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has thrown two TDs and racked up 173 passing yards, while Perine alone has 11 more yards than Oakland's entire backfield.

9:53 PM - The Raiders REALLY have to get their shit together. But then again, this IS what happens when you spend all day trying to figure out the best way to symbolically say "Fuck Trump" instead of adequately preparing for the job you're paid to do.

10:08 PM - Raiders challenging whether or not Thompson was down seven yards earlier than the refs have ruled.

10:09 PM - And that's exactly what the refs declare. The ball goes back a couple. 

10:10 PM - Perine runs up the middle for a few. Offense gets hit with a holding call.

10:11 PM - First and 20. Thompson goes nowhere.

10:11 PM - Second and 20. Thompson runs for about 15. 

10:12 PM - Third and five. Yep, Thompson converts.

10:13 PM - And a rookie receiver just reeled in a 52-yard TD. FUCK THIS TEAM.

10:14 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 21-0.

10:16 PM - Carr is sacked. That's number three on the day.

10:18 PM - Lynch gets four yards on the run.

10:19 PM - And Carr is sacked AGAIN.

10:20 PM - Raiders punt. Crowder takes it to the OAK 40.

10:21 PM -Third and three for Washington. Amerson breaks up the pass.

10:25 PM - Well, at least the kicker fucked up the field goal. Still 21-0, Washington.

10:28 PM - Raiders take over around their own 40. 

10:29 PM - Second and 10. Cook takes it to the OAK 48.

10:29 PM - Third and three. Roberts is hit behind the line.

10:30 PM - Raiders have to punt. Again.

10:30 PM - Thankfully, James Crowser (the white guy who looks like frat boy Thor) recovers Crowder's muffed punt. 

10:31 PM - The Raiders take over at the WSH 20. 

10:31 PM - And Lynch is hit WAY behind the line.

10:31 PM - Second and 13. Cook with what appears to be a touchdown haul. But a flag is down.

10:32 PM - It's holding against the Redskins. The Raiders, obviously, decline it and take the six points. 

10:34 PM - Tavecchio's kick is good. It's 21-7, Washington.

10:37 PM - The Redskins take the touchback. Perine gets maybe a yard.

10:38 PM - Second and nine. The pass is incomplete.

10:38 PM - Third and nine. Cousins runs for a new set of downs. But an offensive holding takes it back.

10:39 PM - Third and 19 now. And Thompson takes it 74 yards to the OAK 10.

10:40 PM - Second and goal. Perine gets half the distance. 

10:42 PM - Third down and goal. Crowder hit at the line.

10:43 PM - Redskins bring the field goal unit out.

10:43 PM - And the Skins let the clock run out. That's the end of the third.

10:46 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 24-7. 

10:47 PM - Patterson takes it to the 22. 

10:48 PM - Crabtree gets about seven on the catch.

10:48 PM - Second and three. Washington runs to move the sticks. Flags are down.

10:48 PM - Holding on the Raiders. That's a ten yard penalty.

10:49 PM - Third and 12. And Crabtree can't hold on to the deep shot. 

10:51 PM - Raiders punt.

10:54 PM - Perine loses the ball at the 11, and the Raiders RECOVER. That was Cowser with his SECOND fumble recovery of the game.

10:55 PM - Also, it looks like Perine is hurt.

10:56 PM - Flags EVERYWHERE in the end zone.

10:56 PM - It's against Washington. That puts Raiders pretty much at the one yard line. 

10:56 PM - Cook's pass is broken up.

10:57 PM - Second and goal. The end zone shot towards Patterson is broken up.

10:58 PM - Third and goal. Donald Penn falls down, so Carr just throws it away. Time for a field goal.

10:59 PM - The Italian makes it. It's 24-10, Redskins.

11:02 PM - Redskins takeover at their own 25. The new running back is Matt Brown, and he goes nowhere. 

11:03 PM - Second and nine. Crowder takes it to about midfield.

11:03 PM - Thompson runs for about nine.

11:04 PM - The back goes up the gut for  first down.

11:05 PM - Brown takes it to the OAK 20.

11:06 PM - Second and four. The back doesn't get far.

11:07 PM - Third and four. The Skins take a timeout.

11:11 PM - Third and four. Cousins scrambles, but he can't make it past the first down marker.

11:11 PM - Fourth and 2. The Redskins kick it through the uprights. It's 27-10, Washington.

11:15 PM - Almost intercepted on a bobbled pass.

11:16 PM - Patterson catches it along the sideline for a seven yard gain.

11:16 PM - Fourth and three. Carr runs and slides into the OAK 40.

11:18 PM - Washington with a three yard gain.

11:18 PM - Great, Michael Crabtree has some kind of chest injury. Second and 7. The pass to Roberts is no good. Flag down.

11:19 PM - It's against the Raiders. Second and 17. Walford barely gets past the line of scrimmage.

11:20 PM - Third and 18. He overthrows Cooper on a long shot.

11:21 PM - False start call against the Raiders.

11:21 PM - Fourth and 23. Roberts fumbles the ball away, and it's turnover on downs. 

11:22 PM - There's the two minute warning.

11:31 PM - And that's the ball game. Our final score from Landover, Mary? Redskins 27, Raiders 10.

11:32 PM - Good job, you buncha' fucks. You really earned this one.