Monday, November 20, 2017

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom (Nov. 20th, 2017 Edition)

Trigger warning activated! Our biweekly recap of everything that irked, irritated and aggravated SJWs is back with a vengeance!


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

When's a hate crime not a hate crime?

On Nov. 5, Devin Patrick Kelley walked into the First Baptist Church in Sutherland Springs, Texas and opened fire, ultimately killing 26 people before apparently committing suicide offsite roughly an hour or so later. Official investigators have since given the public little information on the perpetrator and his motives - you know, as if anyone could ever have a halfway decent excuse for murdering two dozen innocent people. Alas, that hasn't stopped the media from rattling their sabers (which I presume are of the safety-tipped variety) and blaming the mass shooting on - what else - too little gun control legislation

Now this is a drastic, drastic turnaround from the last major church shooting in these United States - Dylann Roof's rampage in Charleston, S.C. in 2015. There, the media - for what may be the first time in history - completely abandoned its anti-gun jihad and homed in on an entirely different scapegoat ... that, of course, being the gunman's unabashed racism. Instead of blaming easy access to weapons as the catalyst for the shooting that killed nine black worshipers, the media pinned the blame on white supremacy, the poisonous, rancorous, rebel-flag-clad ideology that pushed Roof and his stupid bowl cut haircut to exact bloody, hyper-ethnocentrist revengeance on the colored folks. Despite that "official" narrative, the media has yet to explain how Roof could be such a psychotic, hate-driven nigger-hater that his best friend was African-American, nor have they made much of a peep about the reams of evidence that suggest Roof actually meant to target a nearby college but shot up the church as a plan B once he realized security was too tight, but - asides, surely.

Considering the media's foaming, incensed reaction to Roof's hate crime (for which he will receive the death penalty, making him the first person in U.S. history to ever get executed under such a federal law), it's a little, I don't know, suspicious that the very same media that was so quick to blame white rage on the Charleston, S.C. massacre have said absolutely nothing about Kelley's rampage being an equally hate-driven killing spree. As stated earlier, there's no official police line on Kelley's "motives," but there's enough verified details floating around out there on the Internet to STRONGLY suggest that Kelley's rampage was indeed an act of anti-Christian terrorism.

Before the scourge of Social Justice Warrior-dom manifest itself in the wake of the Trayvon Martin shooting, it seemed like the great liberal counterpunch in the post-W. neoconservative culture war was going to be the atheist voting bloc. In the late 2000s and early 2010s, democratic atheism was far and away the most popular anti-conservative Internet movement in America. It was a default subreddit on the Reddit homepage, movies like Religulous were raking in beaucoup bucks and TV shows like South Park, Family Guy and Penn & Teller: Bullshit! were all espousing the new (anti) gospels to the masses. Even the definitive conspiracy theorist tract of our generation, Zeitgeist, begins with a 30-minute long fuck you to Christianity. The problem, of course, is that the vanguard of American atheism - The Amazing Atheist, Seth McFarlane, Bill Maher, Sam Harris, etc. - aren't exactly the most inclusive of spokespeople. Indeed, atheism was such an overwhelmingly white male phenomenon that it actually became a road block for the Democratic Party, seeing as how both women and people of color tend to be much more religious than honky men. And from there, liberals abandoned atheism for their own state religion - an impossibly syncretic voodoo offshoot combining feminism, gay pride, black power politics and any and all counter-Christian mythologies and folklore into a veritable jambalaya of politically correct nonsense, which - irony of ironies - posits the very same people who made up the bulk of the democratic reactionary atheism movement as evil incarnate.

When it comes to this Kelley shooter, there are two concrete knowns at this point. Number one, despite being dishonorably discharged from the military and racking up a domestic abuse arrest, he was still able to purchase a couple of guns - simply because the U.S. military bureaucracy forgot to relay his criminal past to the federal agency in charge of gun background checks (well, so much for that constant liberal refrain being a deterrent to mass shootings, eh?) And secondly - and this is the aspect the media has been deafeningly mum about - he was an ardent atheist. This account from The Sun does a pretty good job summing up the gunman's irreligious beliefs:


Hmm ... so a vehement, militant atheist just so happens to go on a mass murder spree, and the venue he selects for his lethal rampage just so happens to be a Baptist church on Sunday morning. Well shit, I reckon we can all agree, it's just coincidental. You know, the same way Skinheads just so happen to burn down black churches or radical Muslims just so happen to fire bomb synagogues.

And rather than perhaps fess up that the media-entertainment-industrial complex's foaming, festering resentment of all things Christian in modern society just might have been a contributing factor to the deaths of 26 innocent people, the liberal powers that be used the massacre to continue to mock Christians for their morals, virtues and beliefs.

Egotistical C-actor Wil Wheaton - yep, that annoying little queef from The Curse - took to Twitter to lambaste Paul Ryan, stating "the murdered victims were in a church. If prayers did anything, they'd still be alive, you worthless sack of shit." Strangely, I can't imagine Wheaton ever telling a gaggle of Jews, Sikhs or Muslims going through a tragedy that their prayers are fucking worthless, but then again, this Wheaton pussy fart probably also thinks criminal background checks would've thwarted the shooting ... which, uh, it totally didn't.


You kinda' have to wonder what "epidemic" Middler's talking about, seeing as how the number of mass shooting incidents in he U.S. last year was actually a quarter lower than the number of mass shootings in 1998 and only half the number of such mass shootings in 1992. Furthermore, you kinda' have to wonder what the N.R.A. has to do with the roughly 40 percent of gun violence that stems from weapons illegally procured through drug dealers, the black market or just flat out stolen from homes and businesses ... a slice of the national firearms crimes pie that a.) is twenty times larger than the number of crimes committed by individuals who bought weapons at gun shows and b.) completely impossible to legislate because the actions are in and of themselves crimes already. And boy, if that blew her mind, I can only imagine what's she going to (not) do when finds out three-quarters of all mass shootings in the U.S. are, well ... committed by black folks.

Leave it to Wall Street Journal writer Bill McGurn to offer seemingly the only contrarian take on the mass shooting. On an episode of Fox & Friends, he tore into politicians and celebrities who belittled individuals who offered "thoughts and prayers" to the victims of tragedies. "In fact, in this they seem to have more in common with the shooter who, from the reports, sort of a militant atheist on Facebook, and talking about how stupid churchgoers were," McGurn said. "I thought no one could outdo the NFL players in stupidity - just alienating the people who pay their salaries - but watching these tweets, it's just incredible."

I'll have to correct you Bill - those celebrities attacking "thoughts and prayers" aren't like the Texas church shooter, they're the exact same kind of people, individuals whose blinding, slobbery-mouthed vehemence of Christianity effectively reduces its adherents to subhuman scum. Alas, we'll see if the feds ever turn the massacre into a hate crime investigation - not that the mainstream media would ever accept it as a legitimate act of religious persecution, since that requires them to acknowledge Christians have the inherent right to exist. 

Which, as apparent by the media coverage and reaction to the shooting, is something I wouldn't expect in a million years.

Louis C.K. admits to forcing women to watch him masturbate

Me and my girlfriend tried to watch a Louis C.K. special a few years back and about 20 minutes in, we both decided to nope our ways on out. The point of no return was when the "comedian" told a joke about finding the corpse of a child in the wilderness and having sex with it. "Who in the hell thinks that's funny?" my other of significance asked. That's the same question I had, as my morbid curiosity compelled me to stomach my way through the rest of Louis' painfully unfunny and painfully creepy set, which concluded with a real rib tickler about Louis intently watching his daughter's butthole while she took a dump. It was around that point that I knew this fucker wasn't right in the head, and now, my suspicions have been more then validated. In early November, news broke that five women had accused C.K. of sexually harassing them. And by "harassing" them, I mean he literally pulled his penis out on front of them and started jerking his chicken right then and there on their shoes. In a feeble, desperate attempt at damage control, C.K. - who, despite being one-third Jewish and one-third Mexican, has made a career out of self-disparaging "anti-white" humor - issued the following mea culpa:
"These stories are true. At the time, I said to myself that what I did was okay because I never showed a woman my dick without asking first, which is also true. But what I learned later in life, too late, is that when you have power over another person, asking them to look at your dick isn't a question. It's a predicament for them. The power I had over these women is that they admired me. And I wielded that power irresponsibly."
Alas, apologies for dick whipping aside, the devastation has already been done. A movie just days away from release directed by C.K. has been dropped by its distributors, and considering how toxic the Louis name is in Hollywood right now, it's pretty much a given that he's going to be blacklisted for at least a couple of more years. That said, with rumors about Louis' now-confirmed-sex-criminal behavior floating around for years, what exactly kept sycophants like Rolling Stone - whose own 2012 hagiography referred to him as "The Jerk Off Genius" - and Jon Stewart from spilling the beans they almost assuredly knew about? Eh - something tells me it just wasn't because they wanted a sequel to Pootie Tang to roll around someday ...

The mass media lies like a rug to make you think Donald Trump doesn't know how to feed koi 

During Donald Trump's whirlwind tour of Asia earlier this month, the media positively devoured "news" that the President of the United States - in typical, buffoonish "Drumpf" behavior - dumped an entire box of fish feed into a koi pond while visiting Japanese Prime Minster (and hardline World War II atrocity denier) Shinzo Abe. A CNN write-up of the incident declared Trump's gaffe "a grand gesture met with some laughter," while CBS News called it an episode that took the state visit "from formal to fishy," and a sight that "drew smiles and chuckles" from Trump's gobsmacked hosts. Meanwhile, the Twitter accounts for TrivWorks and CNN anchor Brian Fallon immediately seized the opportunity to compare Trump's behavior to Obama's, clearly implying that Donald's predecessor was the far more presidential of the two. Alas, there's just one tiny, teeny complication to the story here: chiefly, the fact that Abe dumped all of his fish food out first and Trump was merely imitating his gesture. Indeed, if you go back and re-read those first two CNN and CBS News accounts, you'll note that the authors - damn near at the bottom of their respective stories - noted that Abe did empty his koi feed bucket first (with the CBS one declaring Abe apparently seemed to do that, despite their being ample visual proof), but the bulk of their stories and selectively edited videos - complete with subbed in cartoon music! - don't just imply, but matter of factly declare Trump's actions were the result of his own ignorance and cultural incompetence.  Of course, that begs the question - if the mainstream media would go that far to manipulate its readers into thinking Trump's too stupid to feed fish, just how much more chicanery is going in on their coverage of news that actually matters?

Newsweek asks: why is the alt-right so prejudiced against pedophiles?

On Oct. 30, students at Columbia University protesting a Mike Cernovich speech were photographed carrying a banner reading "no white supremacy, no pedo-bashers, no Mike Cernovich." Now, according to the person who allegedly snapped the photograph, the people holding the banners weren't Antifa crusaders at all, but subterfuge alt-righters trying to play a massive, Tom Green-like prank on the university's hyper-liberal foot soldiers. Now, as for proof that this is indeed the case, alleged photog Jake Offenhartz has supplied the following supplemental visual evidence: absolutely nothing. Still, that didn't prevent Newsweek from running with Offenhartz's account of the events, stately matter of factly that the banner-carrying "anti-fascists" were actually incognito Donald Trump supporters who hate black people in an article that goes on to conflate the incident with that one time an armed dude went into Comet Ping Pong pizza and Milo Y.'s self-admitted underage homo-activity. The author of the story, Alexander Narzaryan (who, as an aside, looks like he's jacked off to loli hentai a couple of times in his life) later hypothetically mulls why right-of-center folks - in particular, the followers of Alex Jones - are so horrified by the idea of kid diddling, ultimately concluding the treatise with the oh so academic rejoinder "he who smelt it, dealt it." Get it, because he's accusing the people with a fervid hatred of pedophilia of being pedophiles themselves? Of course, considering ultra-liberal Hollywood's none-too-secret pedo problem - not to mention the fact that one of the Democratic Party's biggest financiers is a CONVICTED pedo - one would perhaps think that these anti-pedophile sentiments and concerns of politician-pederast wheeling and dealing might be realistically rooted. This is doubly true considering leftist shit rags like Salon have recently peddled pedophile apologia to the masses, including this 2016 article that declared "this pedophile is not a monster" - which has since been deleted from the website, although the original Twitter post remains for all to bear and witness. And maybe they have good reason to be worried about liberals when ideological torchbearers like The Huffington Post, the New York Times and Vice are all publishing stories that seek to place pedophiles in more favorable lights, if not outright advocate for - you guessed it - public acceptance for non-offender pedos. Of course, Newsweek's framing of the article puts them in a treacherous predicament - by laughing off the vaguely-defined "alt-right" pedo-phobia, they are in turn casting themselves as pedo-protectors and declaring, loudly and proudly, that the sexual abuse of children is no biggie. Which, in a roundabout manner, explains in full why the right-of-center is up in arms about the issue to begin with, don't it?

Gay British man convicted of murdering adopted daughter

Now you and I both know that homosexual men are without question the least violent kind of people on the planet, and they never, ever engage in sick and sadistic shenanigans. But alas, every ingroup has its outliers, I suppose, and over there in the U.K. Team Gay just notched another point in the Filicide Olympics. On Nov. 7, Matthew Scully-Hicks - who, in a grand act of defiance against LGBT stereotypes, was indeed a fitness trainer by trade - was convicted of the May 2016 murder of the 18-month child he and his husband had adopted barely two weeks earlier.  According to police accounts, Hicks - who was suspected of abusing the child for nearly a year before the courts officially granted he and his butt-buddy full custody rights - killed the toddler by violently shaking her and striking her in her teeny, tiny baby skull for having, and this is in the murderer's own words "a full diva strop." Alas, while murdering a defenseless 18-year-old baby seems like the kind of crime that would get people the death penalty, Scully-Hicks was instead giving a relatively light sentence of just 18 years behind bars. Of course, the horrific incident raises a LOT of questions about the state of social services in the U.K., particularly in regards to how Scully-Hicks was granted custody rights to the child despite hospitalizing her TWICE before murdering her. Alas, that's the state of the United Kingdom for you - where the powers that be are so hell bent on fostering "equality" and "diversity" that they can overlook the occasional toddler beaten to death by a homosexual.

Jesse Jackson accused of sexual misconduct ... again

Just when I thought accusations of George Takei sexually assaulting a male model 20 years his junior would be the most ironically-satisfying-cum-tragic news item of the week, here comes the good Reverend hisself to up the ante. In an article published Nov. 6 by The Root, reporteress Danielle Young accuses Jesse Jackson of groping her during a photo shoot, stating "as I walked within arm's reach of him, Jackson reached out a hand and grabbed my thigh, saying 'I like all of that right there!' and gave my thigh a tight squeeze." In the same article, Young cites an unnamed colleague who also claims to have been given the bad touch by Jackson, who (purportedly) said "I remember him being inappropriate with all the women. And I also remember you telling me that he did something more with you. And then we brushed the shit off and chalked it up to him just being a dirty old man." Of course, such behavior really shouldn't be surprising considering the Reverend's long history of fathering children out of wedlock and berating gay coworkers with an impressive arsenal of homophobic slurs. And if Young's accusations turn out to be fruitless, after all? Well, let's just chalk it up to cosmological payback for perpetrating not one but two racist rape hoaxes over the last 30 years.

This week in absurd, violent and absurdly violently black crime ...

As we all know, African-American people are oft-stereotyped, and we here at The Internet Is In America want to do our part to dispel some of these hurtful, erroneous and overstated accusations and allegations. Which is why I wanted to run down a slate of recent horrific (and bizarre beyond words) criminal acts committed by people who just so happen to be black to show you just how atypical such behavior is on their race's part. Remember: just because some black people do really, really bad things doesn't mean we should prejudicially castigate and criticize all of them for the lamentable actions of a small number of African-Americans - after all, that kind of wide-net generalization is only good for condemning white people, who are all guilty of mass murder by proxy of their deficient melanin levels.

And then there's the troubling case of Jimmy Webb, a 79-year-old man who was beaten to death by two home intruders in Virginia. "A man, asleep in the middle of town, the house gets broken into and he gets murdered for no apparent - there's no rationale for it," said Greensville Country Commonwealth Attorney Patricia Watson. "This is a very inconspicuous house, on a very inconspicuous street, in the middle of town. It cannot be random." Alas, despite two individuals being arrested in Washington D.C. inside Webb's stolen vehicle, police have yet to identify the two suspects - or show the public their mug shots. Which, of course, means but one thing - those goddamn Chinese are at it again, naturally.

Your weekly round-up of the latest on-campus absurdities

Of course, you can't have a column called This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom without taking a nice, long gander at the Western world's foremost hot bed of SJW wackiness, the gilded halls of academia. Below are some recent-ish collegiate happenings that'll have you scratching your head - and then shaking your fists in anger, since your tax dollars are probably being used to fund all this nonsense.

And if you thought the state of higher education in the States was woeful, just wait 'til you see they're having to put up with in Canada. Staff at Vancouver Island University have hit their employer with a 105-page human rights complaint after they were forced to accommodate a "special needs" student who attended classes in full diaper fetish regalia. According to the CBC, "the student in his 40s asked to be treated as an infant, demanding children's books to be read to him, speaking in a baby voice, wearing a soother and even submitting a selfie of himself in a diaper to one instructor," who stated "she believes that as soon as the university knew the student had what it terms an 'atypical sexual drive that he may impose on non-consenting individuals,' staff needed warning."

In other words - it looks like we're building a wall at the wrong fucking border.

Supporters of Atlanta mayoral candidate send out robo-calls demanding Atlanta remain "black"

The results of the 2017 Atlanta mayoral race are in, and there's going to be a runoff between the top two general election vote-getters; Dolores Umbridge impersonator Mary Norwood and Keisha Lance-Bottoms, who looks like the most evil bitch in every black high school movie ever made. Speaking of Lance-Bottoms, some controversy was a-brewin' in the days leading up to the election when a gaggle of her supporters (deeming themselves "Citizens for Keisha," although there is no website or social media presence for said group anywhere on the 'net) started sending out robocalls demanding they vote for her in order to, and this is a direct quote - "keep Atlanta black." Of course, Lance-Bottoms vehemently denied having anything to do with the taped messages, with some Keisha proponents theorizing the robocalls were actually fabrications drummed up by mayoral also-ran Mitchell Caesar targeting white voters, who in a fairly suspicious, well-formatted and instantly available press release, announced "it is sad and unfortunate that she is playing the race card to drum up support." Of course, it's about 50/50 whether the thing is a great big election mudslinging hoax or there really are super-prejudiced P.O.C in Atlanta wanting them honkies outta' there. Still, it's more than just a little suspicious that the story has received so little play outside of the Atlanta/Roswell/Sandy Springs M.S.A. - surely, the fine, outstanding barons of modern media would remain just as ambivalent had the lone white male in the race sent out calls demanding "make Atlanta white again," no? 

NBC News blames video gamers for the rise of white supremacy

Well, if you ever wondered if objective journalism as an American institution was deader than the milkman and one hour photo industry, this little NBC News tirade from late October might as well represent the medium's final death nail. Completely eschewing any and all semblances of impartiality, the four-minute-long "news" item contains no actual news - indeed, it's basically a mini-propaganda film direly, desperately trying to find a way to connect video game culture with far right white supremacist culture. From the outset - in which ominous, creepy piano music underscores a young woman speaking about "Nazis" at the Charlottesville march, despite the fact Nazis haven't existed since 1945 - you just know this thing is going to be shameless agitprop, through and through. Unable to find a real expert for the story, NBC News relied upon the maddened musings of a PhD candidate at the University of Waterloo Games Institute, who authored a study that unscientifically links GamerGate to the rise of the nondescriptly defined "alt-right," complete with a series of uncited and unsourced tweets allegedly showing online commentators threatening to murder and rape ... well, NBC News doesn't tell us, actually. From there, the (s)hitpiece says Xbox Live and the PlayStation Network have become "havens of hate speech against women and minorities," even though I'm pretty sure people were telling nigger jokes and calling women "broads" and "bitches" in arcades back in the heyday of Pong and Asteroids. This is coupled by a clip of a guy jokingly telling a fellow gamer "do they let women play Call of Duty in America?", which is immediately cushioned by footage of the Friday the 13th video game showing Jason decapitating - what else? - a black woman. Then they get a talking head from the SPLC - which, despite their name, is apparently not all that concerned about ameliorating southern poverty these days - who blames, of all things, Discord for facilitating neo-Nazi group meet-ups - complete with images of the Charlottesville march superimposed over a white kid playing an Xbox360. Then, the narrator - without a single shred of evidence - says Discord communique was instrumental in arranging the meeting that lead to the death of Heather Heyer, which, yeah, sounds like the kind of thing that should get these assholes sued silly. And for the grand finale, the narrator calls James Fields "a white supremacist" - despite white supremacy being a completely unmeasurable, inherently objective construct - who was clearly radicalized by those damned video game Klansmen because one time in 2010, his mama told him to stop playing so much Everquest. Well, not that it's a surprise to anybody, but the video has become one of the most poorly received in YouTube history, with the clip amassing about 400 likes and 46,000 dislikes as of Nov. 17. There are already hundreds, hell, maybe even thousands of videos on YouTube dispelling the NBC News' clip's assertions, and this one does as good a job as any I've seen summing up everything the sensationalist little screed got wrong (which includes a pretty fair amount of stealing and using the copyright protected videos of others without their permission or compensation.) Since then, the producer of the video, Melanie Bencosme, has kept her Twitter profile private, and her official website is suspiciously devoid of professional references, for some odd reason. Which means, of course, that it's only a matter of time until she gets hired by Buzzfeed or Vice, where she will no doubt continue to produce five-star video "journalism" that would've made Pravda proud. Hell, Rachel Maddow might be hitting her up with a job offer as we speak - not that MSNBC gives half a shit about accuracy in reporting, considering that special they aired earlier this year, claiming the term "SJW" stood for "stingy jew" and that "traps" are "hot girls racists want to rape."

And that, in a nutshell, is what constitutes "journalism" in America these days - and if that isn't enough proof it's time to put the medium out to pasture altogether, I don't know what is.

... and a few headlines that speak for themselves ...












Sunday, November 19, 2017

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play Coverage of Week 11's Raiders vs. Patriots Game!

This Week's Episode:
¿Qué quieres decir con que es ilegal cegar al mariscal de campo con un puntero láser?


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including this afternoon's "home game" against New England, down Mexico City way. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Nov. 19 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 11's Raiders vs. Patriots game, with the festivities beginning at 4 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

1:40 PM - It's time for the Raiders' annual home stand in Mexico City, as they "host" Tom Brady and the Patriots at Estadio Azteca.

1:41 PM - The Raiders are fresh off a bye and sitting, uh, uncomfortably, I guess, at 4-5. Meanwhile the Pats just got finished drubbing the Dolphins Monday night and currently possess a 7-2 record. To say there's bad blood between these two franchises is kinda' like saying the Jews kinda have a thing against Hitler - not that I need to remind you why, or anything like that.

1:42 PM - Here's the injury report. For the Raiders, OT Marshall Newhouse (the guy who did this against the Dolphins two weeks' back), linebacker Cory James and guard Gabe Jackson are questionable. CB Gareon Conley is listed as doubtful.

1:43 PM - And for the Pats? WR Danny Amendola and TE Martellus Bennett are both listed as questionable. Meanwhile, OT Marcus Cannon, WR Matthew Slater and Center David Andrews are all listed as known scratches.

1:46 PM - And here are the relevant offensive and defensive stats heading into the contest:



1:47 PM - Vegas has the Patriots listed as a -7 favorite, with the over/under set suspiciously high at 55. 

1:48 PM - ESPN's Football Power Index gives New England a 62.6 percent chance of winning the game. Alas, this game IS in Mexico City, and as we all know - this is dyed in the wool Raiders territory, and Tom Brady just don't have to worry about Khalil Mack ... he's also gotta' worry about the fans blinding him with laser pointers and targeting him with paper airplanes.

1:50 PM - I'll get back in touch with 'ya fucks closer to gametime. Also, I'll be getting groceries in a few, so I might be late. Don't say I didn't give you fair warning.

4:23 PM - Well hot dookie, the Giants just beat the Chiefs in overtime. Now that's unexpected.

4:27 PM - Alright, the Raiders are getting the ball first.

4:27 PM - Third and one. Lynch easily converts.

4:28 PM - Vadal Alexander is starting at right tackle for Oakland. 

4:29 PM - Crabtree catches the ball at the line.

4:29 PM - Second and eight. Washington rumbles for about three.

4:30 PM - Third and five. And Roberts bobbles the ball away. Time to punt.

4:31 PM - The returner fair catches it around the NE 12.

4:34 PM - Second and eight. Cooks is about two yards short of moving the sticks.

4:35 PM - Third and three. Amendola converts on a no huddle.

4:35 PM - Burkhead runs for about five.

4:35 PM - Burkhead with another reception - this time enough to move the chains.

4:36 PM - White gets three, maybe four on the run.

4:36 PM - Bennett is tackled about a yard shy of the sticks.

4:36 PM - White runs it up the middle for a new set of downs.

4:37 PM - Patriots at mid-field. Lewis is hit behind the line for a loss.

4:37 PM - Second and 11. Allen hauls it in for about a five yard gain.

4:38 PM - Third and six. Amendola hauls it in around the OAK 30. 

4:39 PM - The running back fumbles the ball. New England recovers.

4:40 PM - Second and two. Lewis hit in the backfield for a loss of four.

4:40 PM - Third and six. The end zone shot is incomplete. But flags are down.

4:41 PM - Holding against the Raiders. That gives the Pats an automatic first down.

4:41 PM - Lewis runs for five.

4:42 PM - Second and six. And Lewis scampers in for the score. 

4:43 PM - The extra point is good. Patriots take the lead 7-0 with less than five minutes left in the first quarter.

4:46 PM - It'll be a touchback for the Raiders.

4:47 PM - Patterson gets six on a short catch.

4:47 PM - Second and four. Marshawn gets enough for a new set of downs.

4:48 PM - False start against Oakland. That moves them back five.

4:48 PM - First and 15. Crabtree can't hold on to it.

4:49 PM - Second and 15. Richard with a few. Third down coming up.

4:50 PM - Third and 11. Holton bobbles the long bomb, it gets batted and the Patriots intercept it.

4:53 PM - BRADY GETS SACKED BY MACK!

4:54 PM - Second and 18. The pass down the left side is good for about 13.

4:55 PM - And that's the end of the first quarter.

4:57 PM - Offsides against the Raiders. That gives New England an automatic first down.

4:58 PM - Lewis goes down at the line.

4:59 PM - Bennett gets five on the pick up.

4:59 PM - Third and five. The long bomb to Cooks is no good. Patriots have to punt.

5:00 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 13.

5:03 PM - Marshawn rolls for about seven yards.

5:04 PM - Second and three. Cook with a completion at midfield. A huge gain for the Raiders.

5:04 PM - And Crabtree wrestles for what should be a first down.

5:05 PM - OK, it's second and one. And Washington converts.

5:06 PM - Lynch gets maybe a yard on the run.

5:07 PM - Second and nine. The throw to Cooper is no good.

5:08 PM - Third and nine. Cooper reels it in about a yard short of the first down marker.

5:09 PM - It's pass interference against Cooper. That makes it Third and 19.

5:10 PM - Cooper is stopped at the OAK 45.

5:11 PM - King out to punt. That'll be a touchback.

5:13 PM - The deep shot to Cooks works. Patriots have it at the OAK 30. That was a 52-yard gain.

5:14 PM - Second and 10. Gronk has enough to take it inside the OAK 10.

5:15 PM - The receiver gets hit behind the line.

5:15 PM - Third and 11. Gronk takes it to the three.

5:16 PM - White hit behind the line on first and goal.

5:16 PM - Second and goal. Amendola goes down at the line.

5:17 PM - Third and goal. Patriots take a timeout.

5:18 PM - Amendola catches it in the back of the end zone.

5:19 PM - The extra point is good. New England leads it, 14-0 with about five minutes left in the half.

5:22 PM - Touchback for the Raiders. Crabtree can't haul in the pass.

5:23 PM - Second and 10. Lynch with a HUGE run. That was 25 yards right there.

5:24 PM - Richard gets six.

5:25 PM - Richard finds a hole and he moves the sticks.

5:26 PM - Richard with another run. That's worth five yards. Holy shit, Richard run into his own lineman.

5:26 PM - Richard fights for about four yards.

5:27 PM - Third and one. Richard gets it.

5:27 PM - There's the two minute warning.

5:30 PM - Crabtree can't haul it in the end zone. No pass interference call against New England.

5:31 PM - Second and 10. Marshawn runs for about nine.

5:31 PM - Third and one. Lynch converts.

5:31 PM - About a minute left. At the NE 15. Roberts catches the ball withing the five, but the Pats punch the ball out and recover the fumble.

5:33 PM - Thirty three seconds left in the half. The Pats have it at their own three.

5:36 PM - Lewis runs to the NE 28.

5:37 PM - The pass is incomplete at the 50.

5:37 PM - Second and 10. Amendola gets shoved out at the NE 45.

5:37 PM - Eleven seconds left. Patriots going for 62 yard field goal.

5:39 PM - It's good. That makes it 17-0, New England, heading into halftime.

5:40 PM - Well, fuck this shit. I'm walking a puppy. I might be back and I might not.

6:00 PM - The Pats start at their own 25. Lewis gets five on the run.

6:01 PM - Amendola with  first down haul.

6:01 PM - Brady floats it to a wide open Cooks. An easy touchdown for the Patriots.

6:02 PM - A 64-yard score. The extra point is good. New England extends their lead, 24-0 with about 14 minutes left in the quarter.

6:06 PM - Cooper with his first ten-yard plus gain of the day.

6:06 PM - Lynch runs for five.

6:07 PM - Lynch gets 11 on a busted play. Not bad.

6:07 PM - Washington literally gets clotheslines at the line of scrimmage.

6:09 PM - Third and 10. The pass to Roberts is overthrown. Here comes King to punt.

6:13 PM - Lewis loses his shoe on the run and the Raiders think it's a loose ball and they all try to jump on it.

6:14 PM - Cooks is wide open again. He's got 139 yards on the day.

6:15 PM - Burkhead with about seven on the pick up.

6:15 PM - Second and four. Lewis runs for a new set of downs.

6:15 PM - Patriots in Raiders' territory. Burkhead runs for about three.

6:16 PM - The substitute right tackle for New England is injured. Time for a commercial break.

6:19 PM - Third and six. Brady's pass is no good.

6:20 PM - New England goes for a field goal. It's good from 51 yards out. Pats lead, 27-0.

6:23 PM - There's a touchback on the kick.

6:23 PM - Cook can't hold on to it.

6:24 PM - Lynch runs for maybe one.

6:25 PM - And Roberts FINALLY managed to hold on to the ball for a first down.

6:25 PM - Olwale with about five yards.

6:26 PM - Crabtree fighting for the jump ball on the deep pass. Nobody comes down with it.

6:27 PM - Third and six. Raiders take a timeout.

6:28 PM - The announcers are talking about how the players have to come down a long stairwell and how it reminds them of Hulk Hogan at WrestleMania.

6:29 PM - Fourth and six. Raiders must punt.

6:30 PM - There's a running into the kicker call against New England. The Raiders take the free yardage and elect to go for it on fourth and one.

6:31 PM - Of course the Raiders don't convert.

6:31 PM - Hell, I'm this close to rage quitting this coverage.

6:33 PM - The back gets hit behind the line.

6:34 PM - Illegal hands to the face call against Denico Autry.

6:36 PM - Fourth and five. The Pats go for another field goal.

6:36 PM - It's good. 30-0, Patriots.

6:41 PM - And there's the end of the third.

6:49 PM - Oakland's challenging a call on the field that Patterson didn't haul in a 20-yard pass on third and 18.

6:51 PM - The call is overturned. The Raiders are at the NE 20.

6:52 PM - And Amari Cooper hits the pylon to finally get Oakland on the board.

6:53 PM - Of course they have to go for two.

6:54 PM - Crabtree hauls in the pass. It's 30-8, New England.

7:04 PM - Patriots going for another field goal.

7:04 PM - It's good. Pats lead, 33-8.

7:07 PM - About eight minutes left. Patterson has enough for a new set of downs.

7:08 PM - Carr is sacked.

7:10 PM - Alright, second and 12. Olwale runs for about nine.

7:12 PM - Third and one. Olwale converts with a spin move.

7:14 PM - Third and 10. Washington drops the ball.

7:18 PM - And CBS officially cut the feed over to the Cincinnati/Denver game. That tells you everything you need to know abut the Raiders' performance today.

7:19 PM - Well, I'm cutting out early. The Patriots won, the Raiders lost and for all intents and purposes, Oakland's season is over. (By the way, that final score held: Patriots 33, Raiders 8.)

7:20 PM - All I can say is ... I fuckin' hate football, with a fuckin' passion.