Wednesday, December 13, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 14!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"It's All Over But the Cryin'"


Philadelphia Eagles (11-2)
Season Point Differential: +154

Oh, goodness. Although the Eagles secured the 43-35 victory over the Rams (in what might be the most thrilling regular season game all year long), they lost something much more important went Carson Wentz (23 for 41, 291 yards, 4 TDs, 1 INT) exited the game with a torn ACL - an injury that will sideline him for the remainder of the season and postseason. Which, naturally, gives us the million dollar question: can backup QB Nick Foles play this generation's Jeff Hostetler, or are the high-flying Eagles destined to get poached come the first week of January?

Pittsburgh Steelers (11-2)
Season Point Differential: +69

It came down to the wire, but the Steelers nonetheless managed to stave off Baltimore 39-38 thanks to Chris Boswell's 46-yard field goal with 42 seconds left on the clock. The victory officially gives the Steelers this year's AFC North crown - and with the Pats getting upset by the Dolphins, at least a week-long stay atop the very apex of the AFC standings. And hey, what do you know - the Pats just so happen to be visiting Pittsburgh this weekend. What are the odds, huh?

New England Patriots (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +118

Tom Brady went 24 for 43 for 233 yards, one touchdown and TWO interceptions in the Patriots' upset loss against the Dolphins last Monday night. Even worse, they could only muster a piss poor 25 rushing yards all game, while their defense allowed Miami to rack up 120 yards on the ground and let Jay freakin' Cutler torch 'em for 263 yards and three scores. And even more amazing, the Pats went an astounding 0-11 on third down conversions - and nope, I have no explanation for that one, neither.

Minnesota Vikings (10-3)
Season Point Differential: +74

Case Keenum (27 for 44, 280 yards) went 2-and-2 on TDs-to-INTs, as his Vikes succumbed to the Panthers 31-24 Sunday. Once again, Adam Thielen had a hell of a game, wrapping up the contest with 105 yards and one touchdown on six receptions, but a good goddamn did Minnesota hunch the proverbial pooch when it came to the run game. They let Carolina outpace them on the ground 216 yards to 100 - with back Jonathan Stewart torching 'em for no less than three touchdowns.

Los Angeles Rams (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +131

With ten minutes to go in the fourth, the Rams held a narrow 35-34 lead over the Eagles. Alas, a 33 yard field goal from Jake Elliot gave Philly the two-point pad, and Brandon Graham's 16-yard fumble recovery for a TD officially put the game away. Still, the tandem of Jared Goff and Todd Gurley looked pretty good - the former finished the game with 199 yards and two touchdown passes while the latter wrapped up the game with 96 yards and two end zone visitations.

Jacksonville Jaguars (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +127

The Jaguars held on to win a close one against the Seahawks Sunday, just narrowly escaping the home stand with a 30-24 victory. Blake Bortles went 18 for 27 for 268 yards, two touchdown passes and no interceptions, as no-name receivers Keenan Cole and Dede Westbrook combined for 180 yards and two touchdowns apiece. And of course, Leonard Fournette turned in another strong showing, carrying the rock 24 times for 101 yards and one touchdown run.

New Orleans Saints (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +107

Drew Brees (26 for 35, 271 yards, two touchdowns) made a valiant comeback attempt, but ultimately his only interception of the game - lobbed into the arms of Deion Jones with less than 90 seconds left in regulation - wound up costing New Orleans the W against Atlanta last Thursday night. Another intriguing side note for 20-17 loss was the rushing game discrepancies; while Atlanta easily posted 132 on the ground, the Saints struggled to accumulate just 50 yards running the rock. 

Carolina Panthers (9-4)
Season Point Differential: +38

Cam Newton (13 for 25, 137 yards, 1 TD, 1 INT, plus 70 rushing yards) had a pretty forgettable day, but running back Jonathan Stewart sure didn't last Sunday against Minnesota. At the final horn he had 103 yards and THREE touchdowns off 16 carries, including the game-winning, one-yard saunter that broke a 24-24 deadlock with less than two minutes in the fourth quarter. Also looking pretty sharp for the Panthers? Receiver Devin Funchess, who wrapped up the game with 59 yards and a TD on three hauls.

Well, if you're gonna get ejected from a football game, you might as well try to fist fight 50 people before you head back to the showers.


Seattle Seahawks (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +62

Well, there's some good news about Russell Wilson stemming from last Sunday's 30-24 loss to the Jags, and there's some bad news. The good news is that he had 271 passing yards on the day and three aerial touchdowns, in addition to 50 yards he collected with his cleats. The bad news? He also lobbed three interceptions in the losing bid, including two inadvertent completions to defender A.J. Bouye. 

Atlanta Falcons (8-5)
Season Point Differential: +33

The Falcons chalked up a huge, potentially season-salvaging win Thursday night, besting arch-rivals New Orleans 20-17. Oddly enough, Atlanta managed to win the contest even with Matt Ryan turning in one of his worst performances of the season: he went 15 for 27 for 221 yards, one TD pass and three interceptions. Thank goodness they had Devonta Freeman (91 yards, one TD, 24 carries) around to bail out the sagging aerial offense, huh?

Tennessee Titans (8-5)
Season Point Differential: -21

Marcus Mariota played like utter doo-doo in the Titans' 12-7 loss to the Cardinals Sunday. The former Oregon standout went 16 for 31 for 159 yards, zero TDs and two interceptions, in addition to getting sacked thrice for negative 20 yards. Tennessee's rushing game - on both sides of the ball - also underwhelmed, posting 65 yards themselves while allowing Arizona to trample 'em for 136 yards by game's end.

Los Angeles Chargers (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +73

Not since Wounded Knee have the Redskins been so overwhelmed. In a fairly facile 30-13 win, Phil Rivers went 18 for 31 for 319 yards and two TD passes, with both Keenan Allen and Tyrell Williams posting reception yards north of 100. And Melvin Gordon looked fantastic setting the running game tempo, finishing the outing with 78 yards and one score on 22 touches.

Baltimore Ravens (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +72

Talk about a bitter loss - not only did the Ravens piss away a 38-29 lead with less than six minutes in the fourth quarter, they ultimately allowed Pittsburgh to post ten more unanswered points en route to a come from behind 39-38 win last Sunday night. Joe Flacco (20 for 35, 269 yards, two TDs, one INT) looked decent enough, I suppose, but hoo-boy, does the Raven's pass defense suck the biggest of ding-dongs - shit, if they're gonna' let the fragments of what once was Big Ben roast 'em for 506 yards, just imagine what Tom Brady or Drew Brees could do to them?

Kansas City Chiefs (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +40

The Chiefs got their first win in literally a month Sunday, besting their arch rivals Oakland 26-15 at home. Alex Smith went 20 for 34 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and one interception, with Tyreek Hill and Travis Kelce combining for almost 150 yards as receivers. And Kareem Hunt had his best showing since early October, wrapping up the contest with 116 yards and one end zone visit on 25 carries.

Dallas Cowboys (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +22

Although the Eagles have the NFC East locked up, that doesn't mean the Cowboys can't make a mad dash into the postseason. That's evident by the team's 30-10 win over the Giants, in which Dak Prescott went 20 for 30 for 332 yards and three touchdown strikes. And even without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, Dallas still managed to post some pretty solid ground numbers, as Alfred Morris and Rod Smith tag-teamed it for about 100 yards (and Smith, by the way, also led all receivers in the game, with 113 yards and a score off five receptions.)

Detroit Lions (7-6)
Season Point Differential: +9

It wasn't easy, but the Lions still squeaked past the Bucs last Sunday, 24-21. Matt Stafford went balls out lobbing the rock, ultimately wrapping up the affair 36 for 44 for 381 yards, one TD and two interceptions. If you gotta' give it to somebody, I'd suggest giving the game ball to running back Theo Riddick - not only did he muster 64 yards on six receptions, his two rushing touchdowns on 10 carries for 29 yards pretty much kept Detroit out of upset mode.

It's so nice to see the Buffalo Bills temporarily relishing the opportunity to forget they're the Buffalo Bills ...


Green Bay Packers (7-6)
Season Point Differential: -17

Believe it or not, the Browns managed to take Green Bay to overtime over the weekend - where Brett Hundley's 25-yard zip to Davante Adams sealed the 27-21 victory in extra innings. Despite Brett Hundley racking up 265 yards and three touchdowns, we've more than likely seen the last of him in yellow and green - I mean, Aaron Rodgers is expected to return to action this Sunday.

Buffalo Bills (7-6)
Season Point Differential: -50

The Bills kept their longshot playoffs aspirations alive with Sunday's 13-7 win over the Colts - which just so happened to transpire during the middle of a freaking blizzard. Obviously, passing yardage was at a premium in the contest, but you HAVE to give props to back LeSean McCoy, who pretty much was the Bills' offense, collecting 156 yards and one touchdown on 32 carries. And in case you were wondering - yes, Nathan Peterman did somehow manage to lob one TD pass in the game. Like I said ... somehow.

Oakland Raiders (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -40

The Raiders did Jack Shit for three quarters against the Chiefs Sunday, but they almost had the mad comeback completed before a deflection off Johny Holton resulted in a game-closing INT for the Chiefs. In the 26-15 loss, Derek Carr went 24 for 41 for 211 yards, one TD and two interceptions, with Jared Cook leading the receivers corps with 75 yards on five catches. And, as always, you can relive the misery and dejection of the defeat anytime you want right here - you sick, callous motherfucker, you.

Miami Dolphins (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -82

It only took, I don't know, ten or so years, but Jay Cutler FINALLY got a win over the Patriots Sunday night. The Dolphins QB lobbed three touchdown passes in the 27-20 win, with Kenyan Drake collecting 79 yards on five receptions plus another 114 yards running the rock. And for the rest of his goddamn life Xavien Howard is going to be telling everybody about that time he intercepted Tom Brady twice in the same game - and rightfully so.

Arizona Cardinals (6-7)
Season Point Differential: -86

The Cardinals secured a pretty big upset win against the Titans Sunday, besting Tennessee 12-7 in a game that was about as exciting as watching grass dry. With A.P. out of action, Kerwynn Williams did a pretty decent job carrying the run game (73 yards on 20 carries), but holy hell, did THE BLAINE GABBERT have a nightmare of a game. Sure, he did go 17 for 26 for 178 yards, but he also got sacked EIGHT times for a cumulative minus 53 yards. All I can say is that motherfucker must be guzzling the Goody's headache powder right about now ...

New York Jets (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -45

As evident by the 23-0 final score, the Jets didn't even bother showing up for their road game against the Broncos. And no, that isn't just artistic hyperbole, these motherfuckers didn't do anything on offense. At the final horn, N.Y. posted just 59 yards running the ball and an even more pathetic 41 yards passing the pigskin - shit, are we sure that wasn't the Giants cosplaying as the Jets over the weekend?

Cincinnati Bengals (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -45

The Bengals pretty much eliminated themselves from postseason contention when they got drubbed 33-7 by the Bears Sunday. Andy Dalton had a ho-hum day (14 for 29 for 141 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio) and backup QB AJ McCarron hardly played any better, finishing the game 4 for 8 for 47 yards. At least back Giovani Benard had a decent showing in his team's otherwise miserable performance - he had 62 yards on 11 carries and 68 yards as a receiver.

Washington Redskins (5-8)
Season Point Differential: -59

The Redskins just couldn't get anything going against the Chargers Sunday. In a 30-13 loss, Kirk Cousins could only muster a disappointing 151 yards on 15 completions, which came with a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio. And the running game just flat out sucked; at the final horn, Washington had just 65 yards on the ground, while their defense allowed the Chargers to stomp all over 'em to the tune of 174 yards.

Note to Tom Savage's kids: this is why scientists will end up taking your daddy's brains when he dies.


Houston Texans (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -23

Pretty much the only thing Sunday's 26-16 loss to the Niners will be remembered for is the vicious hit that had Tom Savage LITERALLY knocked retarded for a couple of seconds. As in, he was making the little special ed claw with his hands and everything. Alas, the NFL being the stewards of safety they are, allowed Savage to exit concussion protocol and re-enter the game just two plays later. Hope the Savage brood saved a copy of the game to their DVR - something tells me you'll be needing it for the inevitable wrongful death suit you'll be filing in 20 years' time.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -48

Down 21-7 entering the fourth quarter, Tampa Bay nonetheless managed to tie the game by the time the clock hit 8:05. Alas, Detroit still managed to notch a game-winning 46-yard field goal with only 20 seconds left in regulation, thus ensuring T.B. would fall 24-21. Oh well - at least Jameis Winston looked fairly decent, going 26 for 38 for 285 yards, two touchdowns and two interceptions.

Chicago Bears (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -50

The Bears turned in their best performance of the season Sunday, throttling the Bengals 33-7 on the road. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky went 25 for 32 for 271 yards and one TD pass, with Kendall Wright wrapping up the game with 107 yards on ten receptions. And Jordan Howard ruled the gridiron, collecting two touchdowns and 147 yards on 23 carries.

Denver Broncos (4-9)
Season Point Differential: -86

The Broncos finally got to experience what "not losing" feels like after besting the Jets 23-0 over the weekend. Trevor Siemian went 19 for 31 for 200 yards, one touchdown and no interceptions, with receiver Demaryius Thomas wrapping up the game with 93 yards and one end zone visit on eight catches. And the defense, obviously, came up big time, holding the Jets to just 100 yards of total offense all game long.

San Francisco 49ers (3-10)
Season Point Differential: -86

The Niners' win late season win streak continued with Sunday's 26-16 victory over the Texans. Jimmy Garoppolo went 20 for 33 for 334 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio, with Marquise Goodwin hauling in six catches for 106 yards and one end zone trip. And Carlos Hyde looked quite solid as well, finishing the outing with 78 yards and a score on 14 carries.

Indianapolis Colts (3-10)
Season Point Differential: -113

In a snow-blanketed road trip, the Colts ultimately succumbed to the Bills 13-7 Sunday. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 11 for 22 for 69 yards and one TD pass, while Frank Gore carried the rock for 130 yards on 36 carries. And for those of you who STILL hold a grudge against the 2001-2002 Patriots, you'll be happy to know that Adam Vinatieri schtoinked both his field goal attempts in the contest.

New York Giants (2-11)
Season Point Differential: -122

No, the Giants didn't really play any better with Eli Manning back under center. After letting Geno Smith fuck things up last week, the Last Remaining Manning went 31 for 46 for 228 yards, one TD and two interceptions in a 30-10 loss to the Cowboys. Unsurprisingly, the G-Men's rushing attack was anything but inspired; Wayne Gallman led the running back committee with 59 yards on 12 carries - with zero touchdowns, naturally.

Cleveland Browns (0-13)
Season Point Differential: -138

Although Cleveland played well enough to take last Sunday's game against Green Bay to O.T., of course they'd naturally fuck up and drop the contest 27-21. This, after heading into the fourth quarter with a 21-7 lead - which they squandered in the final 15 minute of play and ultimately relinquished via a terrible DeShone Kizer interception in overtime. Shit, and here I was about to give the kid a pat on the back for his 20 for 28, three touchdown performance ...

Tuesday, December 12, 2017

Double Review: 'Blade of the Immortal' / 'Killing Gunther'

What better way to wrap up the cinematic year that was than with a double shot of Takashi Miike and Arnold Schwarzenegger

By: Jimbo X

I've been thinking about this for quite some time, but after some tempered debate, I've decided to go on ahead and publicize my formal view on the matter:

I think it's time we rounded up every marijuana user in America and summarily executed them.

Now, I know what you're thinking. "Gee, Jimbo, doesn't that sound a little harsh, not to mention despotic?" Well, right then and there I know you've never had the luxury of cohabitating alongside marijuana users, because if you have you'd know that there's really nothing of value to be lost here.

Marijuana users, point blank, are the WORST human beings on the planet, and by proxy, the worst kinda' drug addicts. My parents were rampaging alcoholics and serial drunk drivers, but by golly, at least they were functional rampaging alcoholics and serial drunk drivers. You can be drunk as shit and still turn in a full eight hour work day and halfway decent work - hell, my granddaddy missed just three days of work over a 45-year career working at the local chemical plant and I guarantee you his B.A.C. was at the point-two range for at least 44 of 'em - but people high on weed can't do fuckin' anything for at least three days after their last bong hit. 

What do people high on weed do? They just lay on the couch and laugh at everything on TV and keep farting and eat all the good cereal, then they fall asleep with their remote control wedged halfway up their buttholes so you can't even move the channel off Rick and Morty. People who smoke weed have the worst taste in everything. They listen to the shittiest kinda of music and watch the shittiest kinda TV shows and they even play the shittiest kinda video games. You ever seen some dude strung out on kush spend seven hours playing Dynasty Warriors before? Well, I have, and I can guarn-damn-tee you it's the greatest endorsement of straight edge living you'll ever encounter.

At least people who shoot up heroin are mostly quiet about it. People who smoke weed are roughly as loud as a turbo jet the whole time they're high, and if their ear-splitting cackling doesn't drive you to attempted manslaughter, they fact that they ALWAYS play musical instruments while stoned will. Long story short, if somebody owns an acoustic guitar, I can tell you right now they're a bunch of weed-heads, and they WILL be playing that shit at 3 in the morning when you have a job interview you've gotta' leave for at 6:30. Weed smokers have no concerns for the well-being of others, and I think it's only fair that we as a collective society show them an equivalent amount of existential concern and compassion - which, obviously, is fuckin' none.

But the WORST thing about living around weed smokers is the smell. I would rather smell ANYTHING besides marijuana - shit, dead animals, dead animal shit, you name it. That is legitimately the most disgusting scent in the world, and the fact that it lingers in the drywall for a solid week afterwards makes even the most spacious abodes unlivable. Have you ever tried to get the smell of weed out of the curtains before? Or even block the shit from seeping in under your bedroom door and making your entire wardrobe smell like a goddamn Phish concert? Well, if you have, then you'd know full well why I think these assholes need to be exterminated en masse. Fuck, at least crack heads and meth addicts have the decency to use life-destroying chemicals with only minimal stenches

Of course, somebody's gonna' chime in and say "hey there Jimbo, not all marijuana users are like that," or try to turn this shit around and say "well, if weed is so bad, then how come (insert famous person here) used it?" Well, that doesn't change the equation - if somebody uses weed, they ARE an asshole. Yeah, I admire the works of George Carlin and Bill Hicks, but there's no denying they'd be a pain in the ass to live with and it'd only be a matter of time before I was having to crack 'em upside the head with a mini-fire extinguisher for leaving the oven on at two in the morning again. Not all assholes are marijuana users, but all marijuana users are undoubtedly assholes of the widest, stretchiest and stinkiest caliber.

Oh, and I almost left out the best part - when these stupid fucks try to convince themselves that what they're doing to their bodies isn't destructive and stupid, but "mindful" and even by God "healthy." I can't tell you how many times I've heard weed-heads tell me "well, if marijuana is so bad, then how come nobody's ever overdosed on it before?" To which I always reply, "well, nobody's ever overdosed on cigarettes before, either, but they still kill hundreds of thousands of people each year, don't they?" Just talking to a habitual weed-user for five minutes is enough to tell you the shit is detrimental to one's health and mental well-being. Just fucking look at what people who've smoked weed for 30 years look and sound like - you either turn into some Bart Simpson-looking bull-dyke or a wall-eyed space alien that looks like a cross between that deformed baby from Eraserhead, a three piece KFC original meal and an old flea market rug. And of course, there are reams and reams of scientific research outlining how chronic weed use destroys a user's lungs, heart and brain, but I'll let you flip through those on you own time (and do feel free to email 'em to your nearest and dearest weed-smokin' chums - surely, they'll appreciate your concerns.)

Of course, I'm not saying I would vote, necessarily, for a candidate who said he was going to round up every weed smoker in the country and - irony of ironies - light them up like doobies in the killing fields of the Great Plains, but I would be more likely to attentively listen to him than other candidates. And if somebody pulled a page out of the last Kingsman movie and tainted the country's weed supply with a lethal poison, I prolly wouldn't shed too many tears. And it's pretty hard to deny that we wouldn't have a better overall country with all of the weed users factored out of the gene pool. Shit, just the fact we'd get rid of Widespread Panic and Ben and Jerry's in one fell swoop almost justifies the whole pogrom alone.

But then again, I guess it is a little inhumane to round up millions upon millions of drug users and systematically slaughter them. But you've got to think long term here - it'd be a lot of money as an upfront investment, but just imagine the dividends ten years down the road. Within a decade, nobody will have any recollections that Dave Matthews Band or Adult Swim even existed. 

And isn't a world that beautiful worth it, no matter the dire costs?

From now on, Miike oughta' be the only person making live action movies based on Japanese cartoons. Shit - just imagine him directing Gigantor!

Speaking of things that'll blow the back of your skull off, if you haven't already you DEFINITELY need to check out Blade of the Immortal, the latest flick from Takashi Miike, which - as fate would have it - just so happens to be his 100th movie. 

Yep, that's right - 100th. Miike is the anti-James Cameron; instead of waiting 15 years in between movies, Miike cranks 'em out like an assembly line. He's already made 17 movies this decade, which is actually a substantial step down from his rate in the aughties, when he directed damn near 40 movies, plus a couple of TV shows and even a few stage productions. But here's the thing; considering the dude is averaging three to four movies a year, you'd expect his oeuvre to be underwhelming, but no way, Jose - not only is Miike putting out a staggering number of great movies each and every year, he's also putting out a diverse slate of great movies across every genre you can think of. Slashers. Giant robot movies. Weird family comedies. Yakuza movies. Movies based on video games, comic books and old Japanese cartoons. 

But the one genre he's REALLY carved out a niche for himself is the neo-samurai movie, as evident by the rousing success of flicks like Sukiyaki Western Django, 13 Assassins and Hara-Kari: Death of a Samurai, which I'd easily consider one of the greatest remakes of anything everNow, we all know by now that Miike is my favorite living director and, by default, that makes me a shameless, biased as hell fanboy. But hear me out, this Blade of the Immortal truly is one of the best movies you'll see in 2017, and you need to go out of your way to see it pronto.

The flick starts off like your average Miike movie, with some samurai in a kimona named Manji slicing and dicing motherfuckers left and right while his sister plays with horse turds in a stable. Then a Hare Krishna punk rocker samurai hacks her up so Manji has to pick up his sword and massacre 40 people while dudes in the woods shoot at him with bows and arrows. The he gets his hand whacked off and has to have a one-handed sword fight against some mohawked dude in a dress, which ends with Manji stabbing that mofo right in the spleen. But you see, Manji is mortally wounded in the fight, until this 800-year-old ghost woman cuts his chest open and puts devil worms in his wound and it makes his hand re-attach itself, so now he's pretty much unkillable. Hence ... the name of the movie.

So 50 years later, there's this guy in light blue pajamas named Master Anotsu roaming around the countryside, wrecking dojos just for fun so he can cleave the senseis in half and rebuild the villages in his own graven image. Then the ghost woman visits a 10-year-old samurai girl after Blue Pajamas rapes her mama and murders her daddy and tells her to find the one guy in town who can't die and hire him as a bodyguard. Sure enough, he's living in a shack on the outskirts of town with scars the size of Earl Campbell's Hot Dog links on his face, eating deep fried squirrel guts on a stick. Then a 50-year-old dude with a fake mustache wearing a Shredder costume tries to rape her, but not before showing her her mama's severed possessed head. And that's our cue for Manji to spring to action - and if you've ever wondered what it would look like if Raphael from Ninja Turtles split a dude's head open with his sais, wonder no more.

Then Manji goes out into the woods and fights this ninja guy with huge ass anime hair who is really good at blocking and likes to give unsolicited details of his childhood while hacking away at people. Then Manji pulls out a big ass dagger shaped like The Artist Formerly Known As Prince symbol and pokes him right in the kidney. Then a monk wearing a basket on his head tells him where to find Anotsu. But apparently they have a misunderstanding and have to kung fu fight a little before it's revealed that the monk is ALSO immortal. Then the monk kidnaps the little girl and forces her to lick the bloody worms out of his palm (cue Ernest face ... ewwww) as a prank. Then Manji bursts through the wall like a samurai Kool-Aid Man and it's time for round two and they literally turn each other into human pincushions before the monk lets Manji know there's a poison that CAN kill his blood worms and by proxy himselfSo naturally, they kung fu one more time with the death juice all over their swords and Manji finishes off the monk for real this time - by dissecting him limb from limb, Evil Dead-style. 

Then Manji has to karate fight this girl wielding a pair of tree-trimmers on nunchucks. But she won't go down easy and keeps dropping bamboo poles on his head so he has to pick up a spear and a pair of sais and chase her around like Tenchu for a while. But then she cuts his hand off and starts monologuing about whether or not she's made the best life decisions then the little girl hops in at the last second to keep him from getting torn to shreds. After that the movie starts slowing down a little, with Manji visiting his sister's grave and being all wishy-washy about being too old to karate people's heads off anymore, then the little girl stumbles upon Anotsu. Anyway, this cues up a flashback to their grandfathers killing each other 50 years earlier. But he won't kill her, because it's just too dadgum easy.

Then the little girl decides to go on a suicide mission to kill Anotsu, knowing full well he'd rip her guts out in five seconds. Then Blue Pajamas gets set up, but that doesn't stop him from slaying about 40 samurais all by his lonesome. Then Maji fights three dudes at once and he's about to die and then the ghost woman shows up and taunts him and he calls her "a stupid cow" 'cause he can't die yet and has to save that girl. Then all of the remaining samurai in Japan show up to kill off Anotsu for good, then Manji shows up and now HE has to fight all of the remaining samurai left in Japan. So it's basically two against, I don't know, 600 or 700 in our paint-the-countryside-red HALF HOUR long katana fu grand finale.

And if you think they can't POSSIBLY top the part where a dude sharpens his own bones into stabbing weapons, just WAIT until Anotsu and Maji finally go at it one-on-one. This thing is already a candidate for best movie fight in history, and if absolutely nothing else, it definitely sets a new indoor record for the most number of times two dudes stab each other over a ten minute period in any kind of medium. 

Let's run down the highlights, why don't we? We've got 334 dead bodies. Zero breasts. Seventeen sword fights. Multiple rapes. One seppuka. One mass poisoning. One exploding body. Hands roll. Arms roll. Legs roll. Intestines roll. More impalements than dialogue. Throwing star fu. Throwing dagger fu. Axe fu. Sai fu. Two-pronged saber fu. Unkillable worm fu. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place - some SERIOUS katana wax fu.

Starring Takuya Kimura as Manji, the all-but-invincible swordsman with zombie worms crawling through his innards who says lines like "you're lucky, you can die" and "what kind of idiot would pick a fight with a maniac?"; Hana Sugisaka as the ten-year old who hires Manji to turn everybody who killed her family into teriyaki jerky; Sota Fukushi as Anotsu, the villain who doesn't want to rule the world or unleash some sort of supernatural evil force - he just wants franchisees for his kickboxing school; and Hayato Ichihara as Anotsu's most sadistic lieutenant, who can count attempted rape of a prostitute as one of the nicer things he does in the movie.

Written by Tetsuya Oishi - the world-famous anime scribe behind Death Note, among many, many others - and directed by the man himself, Takashi Miike, who more so than any other filmmaker on the planet, knows how to make his actors say "no matter how bad the memory, sometimes just remembering gives you incredible power" and make it sound like they dadgum mean it

This is the movie Logan wished it could've been, right down to the plot about the dude with healing powers trying to rescue a little girl from super evildom. It's The Professional meets Highlander meets Kill Bill meets Yojimbo meets every SNK fighting game ever made, and - needless to say - you need to see it

This one easily gets four stars out of four from me. Jimbo says check it out, and the sooner, the better.

Just wait 'til you hear him sing the flick's closing number!

Since it's only playin' in about four or five postage stamp-sized theaters right about now, I reckoned it was worth our respective whiles to let you know that there's a new Ah-nold movie out, and while it ain't nowhere near as good as his last flick Aftermath, it's still pretty decent and maybe worth checking out, if you really don't have nothing else going on with your life (and since the college football season is over and done with, that includes pretty much all of us.)

Anyway, the name of this flick is Killing Gunther, and it's one of those "found footage" style flicks, except this one is explicitly meant to be a parody. The movie starts off in Argentina and we learn about this guy named Blake who hires a documentary crew to follow him around on his quest to knock off the world's greatest assassin. So, to finish the job, he assembles a crack team of the world's best hitmen and hitwomen.

There's this fisherman guy from Chicago who dresses just like that one guy from The Big Lebowski who's an explosives whiz. And there's this middle eastern sniper chick whose dad follows her around wearing a sweater declaring himself her number one fan. And there's also this super nerd with mega hacking skills named "The Human Computer" and - you know, it's probably a lot easier if I just make it a bulleted list, huh?

  • Ashley - a poor man's Morgan Freeman who has a heart attack two minutes after being introduced as the team's secret weapon.
  • Crusher - a former Islamic extremist with a robotic arm (that isn't compatible with Apple devices, by the way.)
  • Pak Yong Qi - a self-avowed "master of poisons" who wants revenge on Gunther for killing his beloved pet snake.
  • The Bellaklakova Twins - a brother and sister duo who killed 14,000 people in a soccer stadium fire, love McDonald's and took the job just so they could go to Hollywood and meet Scott Wolf in person.
  • Max Palane - Blake's ex-partner and new de facto secret weapon - who, naturally gets shot in the head right before he can tell everybody where Gunther lives.

After all that, we get some exposition on Blake's ex-girlfriend, who stopped doing hit jobs and started her own erotic ceramics company ("I'm not killing people anymore," she says, "so I'm sleeping better.") Anyhoo, it doesn't take long for us to find out that she shacked up with Gunther, which is probably why Blake wants him dead so damned much, so he takes his comrades on a trip to Miami to buy some military-grade weapons from a dude with a mullet, but things take a turn for the worse when they get involved in a high-rise shootout and Ah-nold starts powerbombing people through all the IKEA furniture. They think they kill him with a car grenading, but even after celebrating with the worst Sister Hazel cover of all-time, they start to have their suspicions that maybe he ain't as dead as they thought he was once SOMEBODY starts picking off members of the crew one-by-one.

Around the 50 minute the movie starts hitting some serious snags. There's way too much subplot going on, with Blake trying to find a new apartment and discuss, ugh, his feelings and trying to convince the fat Chicago dude to rejoin the team after the Iranian chick's dad finds out he had sex with his daughter.

Then Blake gets piss drunk after Ashley's funeral and decides, damn it, he's gonna' off Gunther all by his lonesome (well, all by his lonesome with the documentary crew following him, if we're gonna' be sticklers for accuracy.) So he and the remaining assassins eventually find Gunther's mansion in California and he apprehends them all at gunpoint and reveals he wore a bunch of disguises earlier and that he and the documentary crew have been in cahoots the whole time. 

And that's our cue for Blake vs. Ah-nold in a knock-down drag-out brawl through the whole house, complete with the refrigerator door getting ripped off and used as a melee weapon and multiple flower vases getting cracked over multiple skulls.

Now, if the movie would've ended there, you wouldn't get too many complaints from me. The problem is we've still got about 20 minutes of post-script, with a buncha' unnecessary scenes about the fat Chicago dude and Muslim chick having a kid and Gunther retiring and moving to Austria to grow organic vegetables and coach a girl's field hockey team.

So yeah - it's about 50 minutes of a really great post-post-postmodern comedy and 30 minutes of shit that'll put you to sleep faster than a Nyquil sundae. Still, there's marginally more good than bad here, and it's probably about as close as we'll ever get to seeing a live-action No More Heroes movie (speaking of properties Takashi Miike ought to get his hands on next ...)

Anyhoo, we've got 21 dead bodies. Zero breasts. Two dead snakes. One exploding yacht. Multiple exploding cars. Gratuitous vomiting. Gratuitous The Running Man references. Gratuitous Predator quotes. Kung fu. Suicide bomber fu. Rocket launcher fu. Flash grenade fu. Karaoke fu. And the thing that really makes this flick noteworthy - for the first time in the history of cinema, a movie concludes with Ah-nold singing a country-western ballad, complete with lyrics like "I have a George Strait kind of sound, if you know what I mean" and "when she's around, I cant help myself, I want to hold on tight to her continental shelf." And no, I'm not kidding, and holy shit, is it genuinely one of the most amazing things I've ever heard in my life.

Starring, Ah-nold, who gets top billing despite only being in the movie for ten minutes and looking like he ate Carl Weathers (although he does get to drop at least one all-time classic quote - "that fuckin' cunt over there is going to get terminated."); Bobby Moynihan as the demolitions expert cosplaying as John Goodman from The Big Lebowski throughout the movie; Hannah Simone as the Iranian assassin chick (who was actually born in Canada and is half Indian); Ryan Gaul and Allison Tolman as the psycho Russian twins, the former who says "fuck you, you're not Mickey Mouse" to an arms dealer; and Cobie Smulders - yep, Maria Hill herself - as the antagonist's ex-main squeeze and hitwoman-turned-dildo-entrepreneur.

Written by and directed by Taran Killam, who also plays Blake, the movie's central "bad guy," so to speak.

Eh, it's a mixed bag of a movie, but I didn't really hate it too much at any juncture in the movie. For that, I'll give it a slightly above average two and a half stars out of four. Jimbo says check it out, but be prepared for this doldrums to hit hard.

Sunday, December 10, 2017

LIVE Play-By-Play Coverage of Week 14's Raiders vs. Chiefs Game!

Today's Episode:
"Better Late Than Never, Huh?"

By: Jimbo X

It's It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including this afternoon's road test against Kansas City. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Dec. 10 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 12's Raiders vs. Chiefs game, with the festivities beginning at 1 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

10:33 AM - Alright, the Raiders and the Chiefs are both 6-6 heading into week 14, and whoever wins this one will be the de facto AFC West leader ... at least for a couple of hours, anyway, pending the Chargers win their game against the Redskins later this afternoon.

10:34 AM - Amari Cooper and Cordarrelle Patterson are both listed as questionable for the Raiders, while Cory James and Jihad Ward are both listed as doubtful. Jon Feliciano is a known scratch. Wait - does that mean David Amerson and Gareon Conley are playing today?

10:38 AM - For the Chiefs, Mitch Morse and Eric Murray are both out. Dee Ford is on the injured reserve and Marcus Peters is suspended. 

10:40 AM - Vegas has the Chiefs as -4.5 favorites, with an over/under set at 48.5. ESPN's Football Power Index gives K.C. a 70 percent chance to win the game.

10:41 AM - And here are the relevant offensive and defensive stats:

10:42 - Kickoff is at 1 p.m. I'll see you then, kids.

1:01 PM - It's 50 degrees in Kansas City. Amari Cooper WILL be playing today.

1:03 PM - The Raiders get the ball first.

1:03 PM - The Raiders take a knee in the end zone.

1:03 PM - Crabtree can't hold on to the first down pass.

1:04 PM - Lynch is hit behind the line.

1:05 PM - Third and 11. And Carr gets sacked after running into Keleche Osmele. Yes, his own O-line. 

1:06 PM - Raiders punt. The ball lands right at midfield.

1:06 PM - A flag is down. Ten yard holding call against the Chiefs.

1:06 PM - Kelce gets four on the pass.

1:07 PM - Hunt runs for enough to move the sticks.

1:08 PM - Hunt runs for three.

1:08 PM - Smith runs down to the OAK 29. A 16-yard scramble.


1:10 PM - A six yard loss for K.C. The pass to Harris is incomplete.

1:11 PM - Third and 16. Smith slides after a two-yard run.

1:11 PM - The Chiefs are trying for a field goal. It's a 53-yard attempt. It's good. K.C. takes an early lead, 3-0.

1:15 PM - Raiders take over around their own 25.

1:15 PM - Lynch gets a yard, maybe two.

1:16 PM - LYNCH WITH A HUGE GAIN! A 27-yard run up the gut.

1:16 PM - The pass to Crabtree is incomplete.

1:17 PM - A short pass to Walford. A six yard gain.

1:18 PM - Third and four. Carr overshoots Walford by a mile. Marquette King is out to punt.

1:21 PM - Chiefs dialed back to their own 13. Hunt runs for seven.

1:22 PM - Hunt gets four and converts.

1:23 PM - Harris gets around three or four tackles for a 24-yard catch and run. That puts the ball around midfield for K.C.

1:24 PM - Hunt runs for five. 

1:24 PM - Hunt looks like he went down just a few inches shy of the first down marker.

1:25 PM - And the Chiefs convert on third down.

1:26 PM - False start against the offense makes it 1st and 15.

1:26 PM - Hunt gets two, possibly three on the run.

1:27 PM - Second and 13. IRVIN SACKS SMITH AGAIN!

1:28 PM - Third and 16. The Chiefs call a timeout.

1:31 PM - And Tyreek Hill takes it down to the OAK 28.

1:31 PM - Incomplete to Wilson.

1:32 PM - Kelce can't hang on to the end zone sho.

1:32 PM - Third and 10. Smith tries to scramble, but he gets hit before he crosses the first down plain. Hey, it's a holding call against the Raiders. How about that.

1:33 PM - Mario Edwards, Jr. is heading to the locker room.

1:34 PM - And the Chiefs call another timeout.

1:35 PM - And Kelce punches in the 17 yard catch and run for a touchdown.

1:36 PM - Oh, and Kelce's is walking off the field now with some trainers.

1:36 PM - The refs say Kelce's knee was down before he got into the end zone, so those six points are coming off the board. And that'll do us for the first quarter.

1:40 PM - And Kareem Hunt easily saunters in for the one-yard TD run.

1:41 PM - Believe it or not, that's his first touchdown in nine games.

1:41 PM - The XP is good. That makes it 10-0, K.C. with 14:57 left in the second quarter.

1:44 PM - Raiders take over at their own 25.

1:45 PM - Lynch gets one on the run.

1:45 PM - Pattterson with two on the catch and run.

1:46 PM - Third and seven. It's incomplete to Patterson. Raiders have to punt again.

1:47 PM - Hill fair catches it at the K.C. 37.

1:49 PM - Wilson with a 63-yard pick up.

1:50 PM - Hunt gets two before getting popped by Cowser.

1:50 PM - Second and eight. Hunt with enough to move the sticks.

1:51 PM - Kelce gets about four on the catch.

1:52 PM - Second and five. The pass to Kelce is no good.

1:52 PM - Third and five. And Kelce drops what would've been a first down pick-up.

1:53 PM - The Chiefs are out to try a field goal. It's good. Chiefs lead 13-10 with 10:48 left in the second quarter.

1:58 PM - Second and ten. Lynch with a seven yard run.

1:58 PM - Third and three. And there's Cook to reel in the Raiders' first first down conversion of the game.

1:59 PM - The Raiders call a timeout.

2:01 PM - Washington runs for three.

2:01 PM - Second and seven. Lee Smith got illegally shoved on the incompletion.

2:02 PM - That's 15 free yards for the Raiders. 

2:02 PM - Washington runs for one.

2:03 PM - Second and nine. Walford gets seven on the catch.

2:03 PM - It's third and three. And Washington has enough to move the sticks. But oh shit, Amari Cooper is down.

2:04 PM - Looks like he get rolled bad on the last play.

2:07 PM - Derek Carr is hit as he's thrown and the Chiefs pick off the weird-ass looking deflection.

2:11 PM - Hunt runs for three, possibly four.

2:11 PM - Hunt gets stopped a yard shy of the first down marker.

2:26 PM - Sorry, I had to take a huge shit just then. It's now 16-0 Kansas City, which means the Chiefs probably kicked a field goal or something.

2:27 PM - Minute left in the half. Third and five for K.C. McDonald hauls it in for a first down.

2:28 PM - The deep shot to Kelce on first down is no good.

2:28 PM - Smith is sacked by Irvin AGAIN. And that runs the clock down to halftime.

2:29 PM - Chiefs lead 16-0 heading into the third quarter. Time to walk a puppy and I'll see you in a couple of minutes.

2:43 PM - K.C. gets the ball back to begin the third quarter. Hunt gets plugged up at the line of scrimmage.

2:43 PM - Kelce takes it to the K.C. 46 - a 20-yard catch and run.

2:44 PM - Hill gets eight, maybe nine on a pass.

2:45 PM - Hunt with an eight-yard run.

2:46 PM - Hunt with another first down run - an 11-yard gain.

2:46 PM - The first down pass is incomplete.

2:46 PM - Kelce spins for five.

2:47 PM - At the OAK 23. Harris can't hold on to the end zone shot. Fourth down for the Chiefs coming up.

2:48 PM - The field goal is good. It's 19-0, Kansas City.

2:51 PM - Oakland takes over at their own 25. Derek Carr only has 31 yards passing on the day.

2:52 PM - Crabtree with a two-yard reception.

2:53 PM - Second and eight. Patterson gets hit right at the line.

2:54 PM - Third and nine. A flag is down. False start against the Raiders puts them back five more yards.

2:55 PM - Third and 14. Carr under pressure. He gets chased around in the backfield, and the pass to Holton is out of bounds. Time to punt.

2:58 PM - No dice on the first down pass to Kelce.

2:59 PM - Chiefs at their own 32. Kelce hauls it in for 16.

3:00 PM - K.C. with a two-yard gain.

3:00 PM - Second and eight. Hunt gets three on the run.

3:00 PM - Third and five. Smith overshoots his receiver. K.C. must punt for the first time today.

3:01 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 10.

3:04 PM - ...the Raiders fumble the ball and K.C. goddamn recovers it at the OAK 20.

3:05 PM - That was Johny Holton with the giveaway. Fuck him right in the ass.

3:05 PM - And Karl Joseph turns around and INTERCEPTS ALEX SMITH. The fuck.

3:08 PM - First and ten at the OAK 10. Lynch runs for three. Flags are down. It's holding against the Raiders.

3:09 PM - Weird, they're playing Stone Cold's WWF music. First and 14. Patterson juggles it and the ball falls incomplete.

3:10 PM - Second and 14. The pass is underthrown to Crabtree.

3:11 PM - Third and 14. Oakland calls a timeout.

3:11 PM - The shuttle pass to Washington is no good. 

3:12 PM - Marquette King out to punt. Hill goes out of bounds at the OAK 40.

3:13 PM - Hunt with a seven yard run.

3:13 PM - Hunt with another big run. He takes it down to the OAK 13.

3:14 PM - Hunt goes down right at the line.

3:15 PM - And Charcandrick West churns 13 yards for a touchdown run.

3:16 PM - The XP is good. Kansas City leads it, 26-0.

3:18 PM - Crabtree with a 13-yard catch and run.

3:18 PM - Crabtree with nine yards. The Raiders are at midfield.

3:19 PM - Incomplete to Crabtree on a deep pass.

3:19 PM - And there's a five yard illegal shift penalty against Oakland.

3:20 PM - Second and six. Lynch gets four.

3:20 PM - Third and two. Patterson converts with a seven yard pick-up.

3:21 PM - Carr tries to scramble and he gets sacked.

3:21 PM - Second and 10. And Walford drops the first down gain after a big hit.

3:22 PM - Both Walford and the defender are down.

3:23 PM - Third and 10. And Carr tries to scramble and gets sacked again

3:24 PM - And that's the end of the third.

3:27 PM - Raiders punt. The ball rolls into the end zone, so that'll put K.C. at their own 25.

3:28 PM - Now Keith McGill is hurt. Fuck this fuckin' game, for fuck's sake.

3:29 PM - Hunt has a 16 yard run.

3:30 PM - Hunt is hit after a three yard gain.

3:30 PM - Wilson gets some good blocking and converts for the first.

3:30 PM - Hunt runs it up for the gut for three.

3:31 PM - Hunt gets maybe two yards on the run.

3:31 PM - The deep pass to Wilson is incomplete. Fourth down coming up.

3:32 PM - The Raiders almost block the punt. The Raiders should have great field position on their next drive.

3:35 PM - Lynch gets three on the pass.

3:36 PM - Second and 7. Incomplete to Crabtree.

3:36 PM - Third and 7. And Cook reels it in to move the sticks. An 18-yard gain.

3:37 PM - Cook with a 14-yard catch.

3:38 PM - And Washington comes close to running for a first down on a broken play.

3:38 PM - And they DO give him the first down. And there's Lynch with a 21 yard touchdown run. Giorgio's XP is good.

3:40 PM - It's now 26-7, Chiefs, with 8:35 left in the fourth.

3:41 PM - And the ball comes loose on the Chiefs' return. And the Raiders may have recovered.

3:44 PM - The Chiefs maintain position after the referees convene. Now Del Rio has dropped the challenge flag.

3:46 PM - Oh shit, the Raiders get the ball back at the KC 43. The pass to Cook is incomplete. But flags are down. 

3:47 PM - Pass interference against Kansas City. Crabtree takes the ball all the way down to the KC 5. But a flag is down. It's holding against Crabtree.

3:48 PM - First and 20. Lynch gets hit hard behind the line. 

3:49 PM - Second and 20. Crabtree with a 13 yard pick up.

3:50 PM - Third and seven. And Patterson can't hold on to it down the sideline.

3:51 PM - The Raiders are going for it on fourth and seven. The Chiefs call a timeout.

3:52 PM - TOUCHDOWN JARED COOK! A 30-yard plus reception!

3:53 PM - Raiders are going for two. And Crabtree hauls it in!

3:53 PM - It's now 26-15, Kansas City with about seven minutes left to play in regulation.

3:56 PM - Thomas goes out of bounds around the KC 25. 

3:57 PM - Hunt gets two on the run. 

3:57 PM - Second and eight. Hunt with three yards on the run.

3:58 PM - Third and five. And Albert Wilson gets seven yards to move the sticks.

3:59 PM - Hunt hit around the line. Flags are down.

4:00 PM - Holding against the Chiefs puts them back 10 yards.

4:00 PM - First and 20. Hunt runs for four.

4:00 PM - Second and 16. Hunt runs for seven, but the Chiefs get hit with ANOTHER holding penalty.

4:01 PM - Second and 26. West with four, maybe five yards.

4:02 PM - Third and 21. West is dropped way behind the line. The Raiders call a timeout as the Chiefs come out to punt.

4:03 PM - Richard fair catches it around the Raiders' 10.

4:04 PM - Roberts takes it to the OAK 19. That's a seven yard gain.

4:05 PM - Crabtree converts.

4:05 PM - And that's the two-minute warning.

4:08 PM - Crabtree gets six yards.

4:08 PM - Second and four. Roberts reels it in for 11 and steps out of bounds.

4:09 PM - Cook with seven.

4:10 PM - Second and three. It's incomplete.

4:11 PM - Third and three around midfield. Fifty six minutes left in the game.

4:11 PM - Crabtree gets eight and steps out of bounds. 

4:11 PM - False start call against the Raiders pushes them back five yards.

4:12 PM - First and 15. Holton gets 10 and goes out of bounds.

4:12 PM - Second and five. And the deep pass is intercepted by Kansas City.

4:13 PM - The Chiefs take a knee and run out the clock.

4:14 PM - Our final score from Kansas City? Chiefs 26, Raiders 15.

4:15 PM - All I can say is - fuck football. Fuck it right in its big leathery asshole.