Friday, October 14, 2011

The Republican Debates Drinking Game!

Because let's face it, getting sloshed is the ONLY way anybody can sit through this stuff


WARNING: Attempting to watch this entire video has been proven to cause cancer by the Surgeon General's Office of the United States. 

For one of my classes, I have to watch the Republican debates being held on Oct. 18th - a prospect which is about as appealing to me as receiving a prostrate exam from Edward Scissorhands. Although I'm not really much of a drinker, I suppose that one really has no other choice but to tip back a few while slogging through two hours of rhetoric and drivel from the G.O.P -which is PRECISELY why I developed a drinking game centered around this captivating display of representative democracy IN ACTION (or inaction, depending on just how cynical you want to be about politics this week.) 

Of course, we here at THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA encourage players at home to enjoy cable televised political discourse in moderation, and that's whether or not you're attempting to pound your liver into Play-Doh dust. And of course, we would like to caution the minors reading this right now about the ills of alcohol over-consumption: so kids, please get your parents' permission before playing. 

And now, onto the process of brain cell murdering (which,admittedly would happen even if you WEREN'T imbibing enough liquor to kill a Soviet horse while watching this junk...)

Do ONE SHOT. . .
Do TWO SHOTS...
  • ...if Michelle Bachmann alludes to the fact that Rick Perry sort of resembles Mr. Horse from "The Ren & Stimpy Show." 
  •   ...if anybody even notices whether or not Jon Huntsman is/isn't on stage. 
  • ... if Mitt Romney accuses Herman Cain of being "half wookie.
  • ...if Newt Gingrinch attempts to chloroform Michelle Bachmann and drag her back to his subterranean lair like Buffalo Bill in "Silence of the Lambs."
  • ...if Mitt Romney stands directly in front of a TV camera and attempts to hypnotize the viewing audience into converting to Mormonism. 
Do THREE SHOTS...
 FINISH THE BOTTLE...
  • ...if Newt Gingrich tries to put the Tongan Death Grip on anyone out of extreme frustration.
  • ...if Michelle Bachmann stops in mid-sentence to open up a pouch of Redman Chewing Tobacco. 
  • ...if Mitt Romney pretends to paddle an invisible canoe throughout the duration of the evening. 
  • ...if Herman Cain comes out via a conga line. 
  • ...if Jeb Bush crashes through the background like the Kool-Aid Man.  
Ever ones concerned for the safety and well being of our readers, we would like to also propose a super tier for the proposed drinking game. . .although it's pretty much impossible that any of the below events, activities or acts have even the remotest likelihood of occurring during this primary (or really, any other, for that matter.


SNORT AN ENTIRE ECONOMY SIZED BOTTLE OF DRAIN CLEANER, SHOOT PREMIUM GASOLINE INTO YOUR VEINS AND FREEBASE AN ENTIRE BAG OF SHREDDED CHEESE...

    • ...if Ron Paul says anything during the debate the DOESN'T sound like the ravings of an Ayn-Rand-obsessed crank-addict. 
    • ...if Michelle Bachmann's make-up job DOESN'T look like it was done by the same guy that did Heath Ledger's in "The Dark Knight."
    • ...if any Newt Gingrich response DOESN'T sound like it was plucked out of the David Duke newsletter circa 1994. 
    • ...if Rick Perry manages to go ten complete seconds without contradicting himself. 
    • ...if at any juncture in the evening, you hear anything even remotely resembling a valid point about anything.  
    Yeah, I know. . .that last one really is too far-fetched to even merit a moment's pondering. 

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