Thursday, January 26, 2012

The 2012 State of the Union Address

Translating Obama's Speech Into "Real Talk"

As part of some stupid constitutional thingy, every year, us Americans have our prime time television programs interrupted by a completely needless "status" report by the President the last Tuesday of every January. It's totally pointless and probably a violation of our civil liberties, but since I just got my Sega Genesis repaired, I really haven't felt the need nor the desire to look it up on Google.

Even worse, I had to watch this spectacle of absurd proportions for a class assignment, which I thought was prohibited by the Geneva Convention, but apparently, I guess not

Admittedly, I've never been a big fan of hot air and/or political rhetoric, so I didn't really go into this one feeling too optimistic. Then, I went on the YouTube, and noticed that there was an ENHANCED version of the 2012 State of the Union Address online for everybody to enjoy. (Oh, and if you are currently Stevie Wonder right now, that video is positioned at the very top of the screen.)

For the most part, I wasn't too enthused by this special edition of the Address. For one, I really didn't like the fact that Greedo fired first before Charlie Rangel shot him with his lazer blaster, but the director's commentary, I must say, was easily Criterion-worthy

We're all busy people, and we're all people disinterested in political poppycock. Therefore, as a service to the whole of humanity, I've decided to sit through the entire State of the Union Address and translate all of that Obama-Talk into common American English. Granted, he may not have said the stuff I transcribed, but odds are, it was either what he was thinking about or what his utterances really entailed for us, the proud citizens of Planet America

So, here's what you do: start the video, and stop it every time you get to one of the time stamps I have listed below to uncover what Obama's real sentiments are. You can thank me for saving you a squandered hour later on.

00:01:00 - - “Hey, you know who’s kind of awesome? The troops. Yeah, try and boo that shit, Holmes.”

00:01:30 - - “Speaking of which, remember when I killed Osama? That was some cool shit, wasn’t it? I mean, it really didn’t end Islamic extremism abroad or anything, but still.”

00:02:30 - - “Y’know, things would be a lot easier around here if we were more like the troops. Well, except for the part about getting paid $9 an hour. That part would probably suck.”

00:03:00 - - “I bet things would be a lot easier if we were less dependent on other people for stuff.”

00:04:00 - - “You know, because of the G.I. Bill, a lot of people got to go to college and get all educated and whatnot and become productive members of the middle class. Just sayin’ man.” 

00:05:30 - - “Let’s talk about outsourcing and globalization real quick. Long story short, it’s killing us. G’night, folks!”

00:06:30 - - “…but seriously, have you people ever THOUGHT that deregulation could be the center of all this recession shit?” 

00:07:30 - - “On the bright side, though, we’ve got jobs a-coming. Granted, you’ll have to provide your own mops and shovels, but still…” 

00:09:15 - - [Takes drag from Marlboro Red] “…but, I’ve got an idea, if you’re willing to listen.” 

00:10:16 - - “Look, man, I’m telling you, American cars is where it’s at…if by “at,” you really mean all those GM plants in Mexico.” 

00:11:00 - - “Yeah, that’s right, I said ‘Detroit was a success’, and yes, I have seen ‘Robocop’…”

00:11:32 - - “So today, I propose we centralize our efforts towards turning America into a wholly “safety-lock” economy.” 

00:13:13 - - “Dude! I just thought of something! How about we start taxing domestic multinationals? Shit, how come nobody’s thought of that before?” 

00:14:47 - - [Stretches and yawns] “Boy, my arms sure are tired. Must be from all of that exporting and shit we’ve been doing lately.” 

President Obama, seen here enjoying an invisible cup of water.

00:16:00 - - “Hey, speaking of some dirty mofos, how about them Chinese people, am I right?” 

00:17:00 - - “So as long as you’re willing to dedicate your life to programming soulless robots, you will HAVE A JOB in my America.”

00:17:46 - - “Dude…wouldn’t it be so hot if they just kissed right then?” 

00:18:57 - - “Because the way I see it, the job market is kind of like Pac-Man…” 

00:20:17 - - “You know that one teacher in ‘Stand and Deliver?’ I wish we could clone him and shit…”

00:21:48 - - “So yeah, we should just let all those retards sit around in high school, failing over and over again, and THEN let them out on the streets when they turn 18. RECESSION SOLVED.” 

00:23:38 - - “And if you colleges can’t control tuition inflation…” [Cracks knuckles] “…we gonna’ have us some problems.” 

00:24:10 - - “All right, so you know how earlier, I was talking about how there were all these openings in the science and tech sectors? Well, as it turns out, illegal immigrants are usually pretty good at that kind of stuff, so I got an idea…”

00:25:50 - - “And I totally think women should get equal pay. Right after they’re done cooking supper, of course.”

00:26:42 - - “Which is why I’m all about supporting small-time businesses, like Apple.”

00:27:10 - - “Look, man, we’ve GOTTA’ get that Death Star up before China does.”

00:28:47 - - “…and with this new information at hand, I have no other choice but to invade Canada.”

00:30:00 - - “So even if it did kill Weird Al Yankovich’s parents, I’m still a big fan of natural gas.”

00:31:10 - - “Now, I’m not necessarily saying that the government should have the right to force consumer products manufacturers to dabble in cold fusion research on the side, but...”

00:33:00 - - “I just hope we don’t get attacked while all of our fighter jets are still plugged in, though.”

00:35:05 - - “I propose construction plans for Mega-City One and Mega-City Two begin by the end of the year.”

00:36:01 - - “Because homeowners, unlike all of those damned construction workers, didn’t deserve such suffering. Wait…that last part didn’t come out the way I meant it…”

00:38:00 - - “So I was on the Internet last night, and I heard from this one guy that you can actually make companies abide by the same laws everybody else does. But then, my World of Warcraft connection got timed out, so I never found out what the hell he was talking about.”

The Obama family celebrates with Muammar Gaddifi, just weeks before the foreign leader was disposed by insurgent forces.

 00:38:38 - - “Well, that’s the last time I let Gallagher write my public speeches…”

00:40:42 - - “So under my watch, we will NEVER do all that stuff I just did three years ago.” 

00:41:16 - - “Meet Richard Cordray, or as he will henceforth be known, Batman.”

00:43:25 - - “And with that extra $40 a paycheck, Americans can finally have what they’ve been dreaming of since the recession began: the ability to purchase two Nintendo 3DS games a month.”

00:44:22 - - “Surely, she would agree with me: eff that guy that’s given her steady employment and respectable pay for the last 40 years of her life.” 

00:45:35 - - “Yes, yes, my proposed changes are sure to be quite controversial within the McDuck circles…”

00:46:10 - - “Not to be a stickler or anything, but technically, guys, it really should be the 98 percent…”

00:47:02 - - “Granted, I’ve never personally experienced any of that stuff, but it sounds like it’s got to suck pretty hard, though.”

00:47:34 - - “Yep, that ought to put all those rumors about me supporting Communism out to pasture…”
00:48:38 - - “Well, besides us, of course.”

00:49:09 - - “By the way, I never officially acknowledged the presence of my special guest of honor this evening, so please, everyone, give a warm round of applause to Mr. ‘Hacksaw’ Jim Duggan.”

00:50:29 - - “…and if it isn’t, your breadsticks will be on the house.”

00:51:35 - - “Furthermore, I was also a big fan of his logs as a child.”

00:52:37 - - “Which, uh, isn’t the same thing as a centralized government. Um, I think.”

00:54:11 - - “Because, as we all remember, George W.’s plan to do the exact same with Iraq was a monumental success in every aspect.”

00:55:53 - - “So what I’ve got here is the Truman Doctrine. Now, with this here red marker, we’re just going to make a few slight changes to it. First off, let’s see if we can find a way to make “Communism” sort of look like “Militant, Centralized Islam” real quick…”

00:57:00 - - “…but I don’t mean that in an ominous, foreboding way though. Nope…not at all.”

Footage from the Obama Administration after party, where attendees allegedly watched Robert Gates "kick ass" on Rayman Origins until 3 in the morning.

00:58:06 - - “Now, I’ve heard there’s a certain country that shall remain nameless – let’s call it “Shina” – that’s been talking some serious shit beyond our backs, bros.”

00:59:40 - - “However, due to budgetary cutbacks, we only afford them half their uniforms from here on out.”

01:01:06 - - “I mean, who wouldn’t feel safe with emotionally, physically and psychologically scarred officers guarding our city streets?”

01:02:25 - - “…hey, did I tell all you about that time I KILLED OSAMA BIN LADEN? You know, that 9/11 guy? That guy we’ve been trying to find for ten years? You know, that guy I found? Well…I did.”

01:04:53 - - “So remember: healing America’s economy is a lot like organizing a covert, military invasion with the goal of assassinating a strategic figurehead…”
Round of applause. Fade out. And now, we're coming to you LIVE from the office of some guy from Indiana nobody cares about. For about a millisecond, I sort of thought about watching the Republican rebuttal, but since the TV Guide Channel was showing an hour block of "Designing Women" at the same time, I think we all know who won that battle.  

...and with that, the 2012 State of the Union Address (as well as about 250 plus years of American Exceptionalism) officially concludes.


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