Monday, February 20, 2012

Make Your Own Thai Pizza!

So, Who's Up For A Pie That May Or May Not Give You Extraordinary Knee Striking Capabilities? 


Before we talk about the many, many fine points of Thai Pizza (arguably the most delectable Franken-food I’ve yet to concoct), I think we need to address the Pinterest Revolution first.

I’ve always been the jealous type when it comes to people thinking up oh-so-obvious, multi-million dollar earning ideas. For example, have you ever seen those plastic spigots that you can snap onto an opened can of cola and sip like a bottled beverage? Well, the first time I saw that, I almost wept in the aisle. “Anybody could’ve thought of that,” was the comedy, “the fact I wasn’t that person that did” was the tragedy. Regarding Pinterest, I feel a comparable sorrow - anybody could have come up with a female-centric version of Reddit, but by golly, I just wasn’t that dreamer.

Pinterest is no doubt going to become a social phenomenon for years - perhaps even decades - to come. Forget YouTube, forget Facebook, forget Twitter, I think Pinterest is the only one of them that will have consistent value throughout the next 20 years. Whereas just about all of our other social networking sites have been targeted towards young males (even if older females made up the heaviest composition of users), Pinterest is the first major networking site I’ve stumbled across that caters specifically to a female audience - and not just a specific subset, I mean the entire female population of this planet. Since more females are being born AND outliving their male cohorts (not to mention that in the U.S., at least, females have purchasing power that FAR outweighs that of men), Pinterest’s long-term success is pretty much guaranteed, whereas the audience bases for stuff like Sherdog and IGN can only shrink as the gender gap widens.

In short; if you’re aiming for sustainability in this ever-changing world (wide web) in which we live, you better offer up some recipes and instructional arts and crafts projects. Or at the bare minimum, a sidebar with a link to wool wholesalers. I’m telling you, yarn is going to be worth its weight in gold if these trends continue…

…so, uh, yeah, what again? Oh, that’s right, Thai Pizza. I’ve got to say, this is perhaps the yummiest thing I’ve ever cooked up based on pure value of whimsy, and that INCLUDES a brownie graveyard (complete with Sour Patch Kids zombies) I made for last Halloween. It’s also the most preparation-heavy mega-food I’ve made this far, so bachelors, you might want to hold off on this project until you figure out how egg beaters work.


I really can’t tell you every ingredient that went into the recipe, so this photo will have to do you as far as making the peanut sauce base goes. Needless to say, you’re going to need some peanut butter (I’d go with creamy, but that’s just my inclination), some ginger sauce, some teriyaki and soy, some honey, and whatever that red stuff in the bottle is over there. Um, I’ll get back to you on that one in just a sec.

Once again, I really can’t give you a fixed amount regarding measurements and proportions and things of that nature, so let’s just reduce this equation by saying take all of the stuff I said before, throw it into a blender and hit puree for about a minute. The end result should look a lot like peanut butter, only more Southeast Asian looking. 


For once, I decided to actually make a pizza crust instead of just using a cheese pizza from Domino’s as the base for my pie, and I think that’s were this project went unpredictably right. Now, I’m no food dictator (a real Pol Kitchen Pot, have you), but I simply implore you to avoid a tomato base here - primarily because the peanut sauce (which, admittedly, looks a lot like Baconnaise when you first slather it on) really gels with both the crust and the veggies were about to heap on it, so…yeah. 


As far as veggies go, I’d say just get one of those mixed value baggies at Kroger and call it a day. As long as you have broccoli stems and something that kind of looks like snow peas in there, you are in good standing. And of course, just to make sure we cancel out any possible nutrients we may get out of the dish…


…it looks like it’s raining mozzarella in Bangkok right now. Set oven to 15 minutes at, um, hot degrees, and this is what you’ll be staring at in a good quarter hour: 


A lot of you will think I’m yanking your chain when I tell you that how delicious this is, but seriously, this stuff is phenomenal, and filling as all hell to boot. Normally, I’m a guy that, on a good day, can eat at least seventeen pizza slices in one sitting, but I was only able to muster two wedges of Thai Pie before falling over into a blissful food coma. There are local paramedics that can back me up on this one. In fact, several.

Admittedly, a lot of the food-crafts I’ve built over the last year have been made with very acquired tastes in mind. You’d have to be a very, very specific kind of person to even think of making a Pop-Tart sandwichwith seasonal Little Debbie snack cakes as the filling, let alone be one of those poor, contemptible souls that actually find such culinary abominations palatable. That said, this Thai Pizza is probably the first thing I’ve made that I would actually consider a legitimately great food mash-up, the kind of dish that is not only tasty as all hell, but something you might actually want to share with your friends and colleagues at some point. Heck, you might even manage to convince them that it was something fresh out of a Wolfgang Puck restaurant, and most folks would never be the wiser. 


The difficult part is in describing what the things tastes like. You’ll just have to take my word here and accept that it’s yummy, because I really can’t give you a one hundred percent accurate account of what it's like. Ultimately, the pie tastes more Thai than pizza, which is probably why I liked it so much; you really don’t feel like you’re eating pizza toppings as much you are a full fusion plate with each bite, and that, my amigos, is most definitely a good thing and then some.

All in all, there’s not much to say about Thai Pizza, other than the fact that it kicks all kinds of ass. In conclusion, it’s probably the 354th best thing that’s ever happened to me, ranking mildly ahead of that time I found a copy of "Tecmo Super Bowl" on the original Game Boy at a thrift store for 89 cents and slightly behind that time I yelled “You suck!” at Michel Bolton when I saw him at the Georgia Dome, and he kind of acted like he heard me.

SUPER DUPER BONUS GOOD HAPPY FUN ACTIVITY TIME!



Your Friendly Neighborhood Jimbo’s Favorite Content-Relevant Food Jokes!

Q: What do you call a Thai Pizza-eating chicken?
A: A Bangcock! (get it, because Bangkok is the capital city of Thailand, thus making the joke an allusion to the city in question!)

Q: How many pieces of Thai Pizza can a Malay eat?
A: A Kuala Lumpur Two! (Because “Kuala Lumpur” sounds somewhat like “quite a lump or two!”)

Q: What does King Bhumibol Adulyade think about Thai Pizza?
A: It’s SUCHINDA good dish! (Because General Suchinda Krapayoon was the name of the general that seized power in Thailand in 1991 and killed a whole bunch of people!)

Q: What’s the difference between a Thai Pizza and a Tie Pizza?
A: THERE’S NO SUCH THING AS A TIE PIZZA, THEREFORE IT’S AN ABSURD POINT TO COMPARE SOMETHING THAT CLEARLY DOES EXIST WITH THAT WHICH IS HYPOTHETICAL.

Q: What do you call former UFC Light Heavyweight Champion Mauricio “Shogun” Rua while he eats a Thai Pizza?

A: A MUY THAI SPECIALIST! Wait…that’s what you would call him even if he wasn’t eating Thai Pizza, I suppose. Uh, never mind then. 

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