Thursday, June 7, 2012

My LIVE Play-by-Play for Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals


Stream-of-Conscious Notes from a Stereotypical American Fan  



07:25 PM EST - All right kids, we’re going to be doing something just a little bit different tonight; I’m going to be covering Game 4 of the Stanley Cup Finals LIVE as it happens, via the magic of modern Internet technologies. It’s about a half hour before the puck drops, so for the time being, it looks like I’ll be playing some “Ice Hockey” and “Blades of Steel” on vNES. Be back in a few, amigos.

07:38  PM EST - Oh, and in case you are wondering what outlet I’m watching tonight, I’m going with the live feed on the CBC website. That’s right, forget all of your NBC Sports Network nonsense, I’m watching what may very well be the last hockey game of the season as God intended it to be - with thick Canadian voiceovers and constant re-buffering.

07:42 PM EST - Huh, did you know that the official Hockey Night in Canada website allows you to watch games in Punjabi? Hell, I had no idea the National Hockey League was so popular in India before this evening…

07:47 PM EST - Almost 10 minutes to go. I’ve got two laptops and a cell phone in front of me. I sort of feel like I’m playing an Xbox game using SmartGlass, in a way.

07:57 PM EST - Huh, so there’s a Twitter feed right next to the live stream video player. Guess I didn’t notice, because I was too busy watching the trailer for “Wreck It Ralph” about three times in a row.

08:01 PM EST - Still getting a “this content is currently unavailable” message every time I hit play. As if I expected anything less.

08:03 PM EST - So, there’s this thing on CBC called “While the Men Watch,” which is supposed to be a satirical, female-centric take on sports programming. And right now, that’s the only way I can get a live feed of the CBC broadcast, so bear with me, will you?

08:08 PM EST - Finally got a feed going, and the picture is about half the size of your standard YouTube player. So as along as I don’t have to read anything, I reckon we are A-OK for the evening.

08:10 PM EST - I imagine angels must sound a lot like Jim Hughson. Drew Doughty on whether the D-line will play aggressively tonight: “hell yeah.”

8:12 PM EST - Man, that “Hockey Night in Canada” opening is cool. And there goes my feed. Shee-yet.

8:22 PM EST - I swear, if I have to be a premium member or something to see this, I am going to start punching holes in walls. But on the plus side, I apparently missed the Nickelback opening, so for once, thank goodness for lagging Wi-Fi connections.

8:26 PM EST - Looks like I have no choice but to watch the “While the Men Watch” feed. Ah, no better way to watch pro hockey than by having the cast of "Mob Wives" provide play-by-play commentary, no?

8:28 PM EST - LA Power Play. Marty B with a pivotal save.

8:31 PM EST - Intense goal stuffing on the PP. Brodeur has to play like Brodeur tonight, and so far, he’s doing a pretty good job of being himself.

8:35 PM EST - NJ on the PP. Not able to do much so far. About 12 minutes left in the first. Now, who is up for some Canadian-centric commercials?

8:39 PM EST - NJ with another PP opportunity. Quick with an awesome save right off the bat. And another. Take that, Kovalchuk!

Jonathan Quick decides to showcase some of his break-dancing skillz during the first period.

8:41 PM EST - Good lord, Quick is playing like a MAN tonight. I’d say he’s on the “fast” track to sports superstardom this year. Get it? Because “quick” is often used as synonym for “fast!”

8:49 PM EST - Feed is down again. Fan-freaking-tastic.

8:51 PM EST- And we’re back. And we’re still scoreless. And a quick DIDJA KNOW: In Canada, people still listen to Rusted Root?

8:54 PM EST - Less than five minutes to go in the first.

8:55 PM EST - And a shot that ALMOST put LA up 1-0. The red lights started flashing and everything. Tough, tough break for the Kings, and a gift from above for the Devils. Which, yeah, is just sorta’ ironic.

9:01 PM EST - Penalty for NJ, and end of the first. The Kings will be starting the second with a man advantage.

9:04 PM EST - Hey, who is up for “Coach’s Corner” with Don Cherry? Pending these online ads eventually end, so am I.

9:05 PM EST - Missed a Will Ferrell interview…thankfully.

9:08 PM EST - That’s an awesome suit being rocked by Cherry. Somewhere, a Twister mat is missing from its box.

And ironically, it looks like somebody is going to need some Advil following this hit. 

9:10 PM EST - Oh, shit, I forgot today was D-Day! And Cherry compares the invasion of Normandy to playoff hockey. God, I wish I was Canadian sometimes.

9:18 PM EST - Cuba Gooding, Jr. IN THA HOUSE. Unfortunately, none of the “Snow Dogs” managed to make it to the Staples Center this evening.

9:20 PM EST - Kings working the wheel to no effect. PP runs out, and it’s still an 0-0 game.

9:28 PM EST - About 14 or so minutes to go. According to Yahoo’s computers, the Kings have more shots on goal than the Devils, with LA rattling off twice as many in the second period than NJ.

9:35 PM EST - Mad scramble behind Brodeur. Cross-checking penalty call against NJ. Back to the box, El Salvador.

9:39 PM EST - Kings can’t do anything with the PP. Man, that last sentence would be really, really funny if I were in the second grade.

9:43 PM EST - Hey, you know what’s a great idea? Having a pot of coffee at about 8 pm on a weekday. And Brodeur with a save. Five minutes to go in the second.

Marty Brodeur, seen here doing his best Robert Green impersonation.

9:47 PM EST - About 2:50 to go, and like an awkward sophomore on a first date, we are still scoreless.

9:53 PM EST - Kings threatening with seconds to go, but nothing sticks. Heading into the third, and it’s still anybody’s game.

9:55 PM EST - For all you stat-hounds out there, the Kings have more shots on goal than the Devils (14 to 11), but the Devils have won more face-offs, landed more hits and accumulated more penalty minutes. Not that the last one really matters, but still.

10:03 PM EST - No matter how you feel about Los Angeles, I think this much is universally agreed upon: man, was it a good idea to rip off the Oakland Raiders color scheme instead of using the eye-straining Lakers swatch.

10:05 PM EST - Can anybody imagine anything more boring than a TV show about Canadian politics? That’s sort of like ordering an unflavored Slush Puppy, ain’t it?

10:06 PM EST - Lord Stanley is in the building! Man, I haven’t been this excited to see a cup since my last trip to a Kangaroo gas station!

10:13 PM EST - Just dug my Kings jersey out of the closet. I have no idea what that unidentifiable white gunk is on it, but it smells  like soured sour cream. I’m too horrified to even look at the Atlanta Thrashers one way in the back now.

10:17 PM EST - LA BREAKAWAY! And that was the closest we’ve gotten to a goal all night. And wouldn’t that be a cool name for a straight-to-DVD action movie, too?

10:21 PM EST - And Quick with a dandy save. Less than 15 minutes to go in regulation, by the way.

10:23 PM EST - Brodeur: 16 saves, compared to Quick’s 13.

10:26 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE. Patrick Elias puts some numbers on the board at about the eight minute mark of the third.

10:29 PM EST - KINGS SCORE ON A PP! 1-1 game, thanks to Drew Doughty’s unassisted goal.

10:39 PM EST - Less than five minutes to go, folks. Looks like we’re headed to another OT game, unless some dramatic shit goes down soon.

10:43 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE. Adam Henrique with a beauty. NJ has the one-goal lead with about four minutes to go.

10:50 PM EST - Less than 2 minutes to go. Just a few seconds left on a NJ PP. Expect Quick to get pulled pronto.

And somewhere, Dany Heatley is weeping a small lagoon...

10:51 PM EST - An empty net goal by Cuckoo-for-Kovalchuk, and this one is all over.

10:52 PM EST - Final score: NJ 3, LA 1. We’re heading to Jersey this Saturday.

And that’s it from Southern California. On the plus side? I now have a few days to wash that jersey, I guess…

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