Tuesday, June 12, 2012

My LIVE Play-By-Play for Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Finals


Relive the Kings’ Cup-Clinching Victory Through the Eyes of A Stereotypical American Hockey Fan!


07:21 PM EST - Well, here we are, with about half an hour until game six of the 2012 Stanley Cup Finals kicks off. Hey, remember about a week ago, when everybody was talking about the Kings being one of the most unstoppable teams in NHL history, an offensive and defensive juggernaut that could kick the ‘88 Oilers asses from pillar to post? Well, after we’ve all had a full week to reconsider such lofty praise…um, yeah, we could have been just a tad premature with our acclaim. Just a little.

07:31 PM EST - As before, I’m doing the live play-by-play recap using the CBC Sports live stream feed. Yeah, I could watch the thing on NBC, but what can I say? I’m a hockey purist. And also: I don’t own a TV set.

07:34 PM EST - Trying to get the Scotiabank Hockey Tonight feed going, but to no avail. Thankfully, that gives me all the time in the world to read about Canada’s chances against Honduras in some World Cup qualifiers in the Twitter feed sidebar on the Hockey Night in Canada website. In related news, Canada knows what soccer is?

07:39 PM EST - Tonight’s DIDJA KNOW: The Devils have the opportunity tonight to become the first NHL team in seven decades to overcome a 3-0 deficit in the Stanley Cup Finals. How long ago was that, you may be wondering? It was so long ago that not only was World War II still going on, but the Toronto Maple Leafs were still considered relevant.

07:47 PM EST - Talk about symmetry: Anze Kopitar and Ilya Kovalchuk have the exact same number of goals (8) and points (19) heading into game six. That, and they’re the same height (6’3), too. I wonder if that means the Kopitars and the Kovalchuks had the same mailman?

08:03 PM EST - Man, is that CBC website interstitial music pimping or what?

08:09 PM EST - Holy shit, is it just me, or does Daryl Sutter sound  just like John Rambo?

08:11 PM EST - Don Cherry and Metric, in the same building, at the exact same time? If this doesn’t conclude with Michael Cera having a Mortal Kombat fight with somebody’s evil ex-boyfriend, I’m going to be sorely disappointed.

08:15 PM EST - Just a reminder: the team that has scored first has won every single game in this series. That’s probably an important thing to remember, I think.

08:18 PM EST - Favorite fan sign of the night: “History in the MaKINGS.” Get it? Because it’s all misspelled and shit.

08:20 PM EST - And performing the National Anthem tonight? Some chick wearing about eight liquid tons of lipgloss. Somebody be sure to mop up the ice after she’s finished singing.


08: 22 PM EST - Puck officially drops. Kings with a few shots, but nothing happening early.

08:26 PM EST - Kings swarming on Brodeur. And now they’ve got a PP coming up.

08:30 PM EST - Brodeur looking pretty good so far tonight. If anything gets toward Quick, I will let you know how he handles it.

08: 34 PM EST - About 14 minutes left in the first period. LA and NJ both have three shots on goal a piece.

08:38 PM EST - Kings threatening with a wraparound. Brodeur has been getting mugged all night so far.

Pictured: How the Kings won the Stanley Cup.

08:39 PM EST - Rob Scuderi gets absolutely smashed against the boards by Bernier. That’s 5 minutes for boarding right there.

08:43 PM EST - Officials still scraping blood off the ice from that last hit. And Bernier gets a game misconduct. Kings with a five minute power play as a result.

08:45 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Dustin Brown puts L.A. on the scoreboard first. Doughty and Richards with assists. And Los Angeles with four minutes left in the PP.

08:47 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! Jeff Carter with an assist from Mike Richards and Dustin Brown. Kings STILL have about two minutes left on the PP.

08:50 PM EST - Well, looks like Steve Bernier’s kids are getting moved to another school system…

08:51 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Hell, why not get another goal on the PP? Trevor Lewis, with an assist from Doughty and the ironically named Dwight King to put LA up 3-0.

08:53 PM EST - WHATEVER’S LEFT OF ROB SCUDERI’S FACE FOR THE CONN SMYTHE!

08:58 PM EST - Well, not that it really matters at this point, but the Kings are outgunning the Devils with 13 shots on goal to 4 at this point. And as far as penalty minutes go? Good God…

09:01 PM EST - And that’s it for the first period. In what has to be a new all-time record, the Devils racked up an absolutely unfathomable 17 minutes of penalties in the last 20 minutes of play. If they keep this up, they’re going to have to change their nickname to the “Raiders.”

09:05 PM EST - Don Cherry to the youth of Canada: if you go in the corner like Scuderi, you DESERVE it.

09:09 PM EST - Don Cherry on Brodeur, Tim Thomas: you’re both chubby.

09:11 PM EST - Don Cherry to children the world over: don’t wear rings, because you might have your fingers sawed off while you play goalie.

09:20 PM EST - Second period begins.

09:22 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! 4-0 Los Angeles, thanks to Jeff Carter. Brown and Kopitar credited with assists.

09:23 PM EST - Time out for a ref to get stitched up. And is it time for the Devils to bench Marty B?

09:28 PM EST - Did the Devils’ bus run over a gypsy en route to the Staples Center this afternoon? Absolutely everything seems to be going wrong for NJ tonight.

09:29 PM EST - And El Salvador gets 4 minutes for high sticking. Jesus Hernandez Christ.

09:36 PM EST - The Devils manage to weather the PP. Tonight’s shots-on-goal  ratio thus far? 18:5 in Los Angeles’ favor.

09:40 PM EST - Brawl in front of the Kings’ net following a stop from Quick. Looks like we have EVEN MORE penalty minutes for the Devils tonight. Ryan Carter gets 2 for roughing. Wait, that’s actually misconduct, so it looks like Sykora will play changeling for Carter’s sins.

Adam Henrique and Drew Doughty oversee a mad game of Twister in the second period.

09:47 PM EST - Less than two minutes to go in the second. Our updated shots on goal numbers? Kings 21, Devils 8.

09:48 PM EST - Gionta down on the ice. Looks like he get pegged in the face by his own man.

09:51 PM EST - DEVILS SCORE! Adam Henrique finally gets NJ on the scoreboard. Sykora credited with an assist as NJ comes within three of tying things up.

09:54 PM EST - Dustin Penner gets sent to the box. The period ends, so the Devils will be heading into the third with a man advantage.

09:56 PM EST - Well, I’m grabbing a sandwich real quick. I hope there’s still some avocado left in the fridge…

10:06 PM EST - Chalk this one up as an all-time classic in the crazy-ass Stanley Cup Finals stat book: the Devils have actually accumulated MORE penalty minutes than there have been actual minutes of play in the game so far.

10:13 PM EST - Third period begins, and the Devils are on the verge of a LEGENDARY comeback. Pending they can get three more pucks in the net over the next 20 minutes. Which, yeah, they can totally do, right?

10:16 PM EST - Kings kill the PP with little difficulty. Sort of like Lorena Bobbitt did a few years back.

10:22 PM EST - Less than 14 minutes to go. The shots on goal ratio has tightened from 22:12 in LA’s advantage.

10:25 PM EST - Dustin Brown gets 2 for tripping and Williams gets 2 for roughing. Sykora gets 2 for roughing.

10:28 PM EST - Zidlick gets sent to the box for tripping. There’s literally no more room for Devils players in the penalty booth now.

10:34 PM EST - Less than 8 minutes left in regulation. The Devils currently lead the Kings in penalty minutes, 47 to 6.

10:38 PM EST - You know, Matthew Broderick probably would have been better between the pipes tonight for NJ than Martin Brodeur. And I think we can all agree that David Beckham looks like the douchiest douche of all time with that haircut.

10:41 PM EST - Devils bench is looking, really, really crestfallen right now. And NJ pulls Brodeur with about four minutes left in the game.

10:43 PM EST - KINGS SCORE! Trevor Lewis with an empty netter. And that’s about all she wrote tonight in Southern Cal.

10:44 PM EST - KINGS SCORE AGAIN! Matt Greene, of all people, with an unassisted goal to make this one a 6-1 game.

10:47 PM EST -



10:48 PM EST - Ladies, and gentlemen, YOUR 2012 Stanley Cup Champions, THE LOS ANGELES KINGS!

10:52 PM EST - Looks like we’ve got our first Bettman sighting of the evening. Quick and Brodeur hug for our Kodak Moment of the series.

10:55 PM EST - Jonathan Quick named this year’s Conn-Smythe winner. And here comes Lord Stanley…

10:57 PM EST - Dustin Brown takes the Cup from Gary Bettman. Unfortunately, he doesn’t use it as a bludgeoning tool on the guy that handed it to him. And it is officially PAR-TAY time in the City of Angels tonight.

No, I'm not crying, I just have something in my eye. I mean, really deep in there, seriously...

Well, there you have it, folks. For the first time in 45 years, the Los Angeles Kings are Stanley Cup Champions, having knocked off the top three seeds in the Western conference and making it look like Paul Newman's ghost was taunting Marty Brodeur's wife from behind the net for a majority of the finals. I’ve always been a pretty big fan of the Kings since the days of Lucky Luc and the Great One, so consider me one happy hockey fan to see a team I actually give a shit about hoist Lord Stanley for a change.

The way the Kings played this season, just about everybody is going to have them pegged as a long-term Cup contender, if not the odds-on favorite to win the whole she-bang again next year. There is no denying that they are an extraordinarily talented team, and one that’s still relatively young. Yeah, I know we said the exact same thing about Chicago in 2010 and Boston last year, but this time, we mean it. I mean, really mean it. For real.

As for the Devils? Brodeur’s Cup run was inspiring and all that jazz, but I doubt he has much tank in his gas for another sustained playoff push. A lot of people think he’s going to call it quits in the off-season, but I think he’ll stick around for at least one more anti-climactic go-around, when the Devils place 11th overall in the Eastern conference and we all feel like a bunch of drips for naming them Atlantic Division champs in our beginning-of-the-season office pools.

All in all, I’d say it was a pretty good season, with some very entertaining playoffs games and the coronation of what very well could be the next big NHL dynasty.

And for all of you reading this in the Great White North? Just remember that now, the state of California alone has more Stanley Cup championships than your entire country has had in the last 20 years. Like I said, just a friendly reminder.

Hail to the Kings, baby. Hail to the Kings...

Sigh…I miss hockey already, don’t you?

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