Wednesday, September 12, 2012

My Live Raiders vs. Chargers Monday Night Football Play-By-Play


Stream of consciousness thoughts from a tortured Oakland Raiders fanatic…


09:57 PM EST - Oh, the joys of being an AFC West football fan while living on the East Coast. It’s about fifteen minutes until kickoff, so it looks like I will have to bide my time by watching the Ravens do some down right horrific things to the Bengals.

10:00 PM EST - Ah, goddamn, Monday night just so happens to be karaoke night here, and I’m sitting right in front of the freaking DJ booth. I don’t know about you, but I’ve always wanted to watch Carson Palmer apply his craft while 50 Cent remixes blare in the foreground.

10:03 PM EST - For those of you wondering, I’ve been a lifelong Raiders fan, going back to the days of Marcus Allen and Bo Jackson in “Tecmo Bowl.” Needless to say, autumn has been a very, very cruel time of year to me over the last decade. You know your franchise is in NF-Limbo when posting back-to-back .500 seasons is a reason to celebrate like you just won ten Super Bowls in a row.

10:13 PM EST - I guess the big story heading into the regular season has been new head coach Dennis Allen’s re-education program initiative that’s supposed to keep the Raiders from posting several hundred yards worth of penalties per game. Because his last five predecessors have done such a great job of changing that fabled “locker-room attitude,” no doubt.

10:19 PM EST - And speak of the devil, there’s Jon “Benedict” Gruden!

10:20 PM EST - Grown men dressed like gorillas. Skeleton warriors. Knife brandishing degenerates. How I’ve missed you all, brethren!

10:21 PM EST - Holy shit, they’re actually letting Chris Berman CALL a professional football game? Man, the Mayans might be right after all…

10:25 PM EST - A bobbled punt already. Jee-SUZ.

10:28 PM EST - Palmer almost picked off, yet another omen of good things to come.

10:29 PM EST - HAGAN with the first down! Those Trojan kids can surprise you sometimes.

10:31 PM EST - Third down, with nine to go. Pass or hand it off, Carson?

10:32 PM EST - Dropped pass, but there’s a flag on the play. And what do you know, it’s an offside call on…San Diego?

10:33 PM EST - And Streater coughs it up after picking up the first. FML.

10:36 PM EST - Richard Seymour with a CRUSHING stop! The Raiders D is alleged to be much improved, but we’ll see.

10:37 PM EST - AND RIVERS GETS SACKED! Sometimes, life can be awesome you know?

10:40 PM EST - Currently, the Chargers have a grand total of -1 yards of offense, while the Raiders have posted 51 on one possession.

10:42 PM EST - The Raiders are just BURNING down field right now. It’s like “NFL Fever 2004” or something!

10:44 PM EST - And as soon as I say that, the playing field turns into molasses. Out comes Sea-bass, and yeah, he‘s still Sea-bass. 3-0 Raiders at the five minute mark of the first.

10:49 PM EST - To be honest, watching a Raiders game while songs from “Rock Band 2” wafts overhead isn’t that bad of an experience. I wonder if watching hockey while the soundtrack from “Donkey Konga” plays is equally awesome?

10:50 PM EST - Is it just me, or does Norv Turner remind anybody else of a principal on a really bad “Saved by the Bell” knockoff?

10:53 PM EST - Chargers threatening at the ten. Time to pluck that Philip Rivers voodoo doll real quick…

10:55 PM EST - And the Raiders D pulls through with a stop on third and goal. Here comes the SD special teams, and we all know what that means…

10:56 PM EST - It’s a 3-3 game with a minute left in the first quarter. The Chargers now have 73 yards, while the Raiders have accumulated 84.

10:59 PM EST - And surprisingly, the replacement refs have no idea what the hell they’re doing. I’m as shocked as the next guy.

11:01 PM EST - Well, Run DMC is still playing like himself, I suppose. And did you know Dennis Allen, at 39, is the youngest head coach in the NFL? Trust me, that factoid sounds way heftier when it’s flapping past Trent Dilfer’s gums.

11:04 PM EST - McFadden with a one yard run up the gut for another set of downs.

11:06 PM EST - Well…the less said about those last few plays, the better. Time to punt after a disastrous end-around play got shot to shit.

11:08 PM EST - And an illegal block in the back eradicates what would’ve been the Chargers’ widest yardage gain thus far. That’s life, son.

11:12 PM EST - Raiders get called for an encroachment penalty with the Chargers pinned back at a third and one. And that better be an intentional grounding call for Rivers, or else I’ll shit a kitten.

11:13 PM EST - HOLDING ON THE RAIDERS?!? I hate football so much.

11:14 PM EST - Fun fact: Ronnie Brown attended classes at my high school’s arch rival. Really.

11:16 PM EST- Tommy Kelly gets called for a penalty. Good luck with that re-programming plan, Dennis.

11:18 PM EST - Chargers threatening again, with about six left in the first half.

11:20 PM EST - SD takes a timeout. The Chargers now have 124 total yards, while the Raiders have 121.

11:22 PM EST - I don’t know about you, but I trust Montel Williams with mutual fund advice way more than I do Maury Povich.

11:24 PM EST - SD at the Raiders goal line. A dropped pass in the end zone, and we’re looking at another third and goal.

11:23 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN CHARGERS. SD leads OAK, 10-3. And if that isn’t bad enough, it looks like Napoleon Dynamite’s long-lost twin has picked “Basketcase” as his karaoke selection. Sigh…at least they don’t have Sum 41 on the play list, or so I think.

11:32 PM EST - The Raiders finally convert on a third down, and we’ve got two minutes left in the quarter.

11:36 PM EST - Congrats to Darren McFadden, who has apparently invented the opposite of glue and doused it all over his hands prior to kickoff.

11:37 PM EST - And DMC looks banged up on the sideline. SHIT! Palmer takes a shot at the end zone, with predictable results. Raiders take their first timeout.

11:40 PM EST - And DMC breaks one off for about 20. Raiders at the SD goal line with a fresh set of downs.

11:42 PM EST - SD with a timeout. Raiders have three shots at the end zone with about twenty seconds left on the clock.

11:43 PM EST - A dropped INT in the end zone, and the Raiders dodge a MAJOR BULLET. Third and ten, with 16 seconds on the clock. And the Raiders with a delay of game penalty. Praise Satan.

11:45 PM EST - McFadden with a run to the 2 yard line. It’s 1st and goal with seven seconds left.

11:49 PM EST - Actually, that last call was reversed, so it was a 4 and 1 instead. Out comes Sea-bass, and we have ourselves a 10-6 game heading into halftime.

11:51 PM EST - At the midway point of the game, two things are sticking out at me. First of all, the Chargers pass game is just torching the Raiders, and god damn, those bobbled catches for the Silver and Black! The Raiders run D has been pretty good so far, but unless the receivers can get some serious yardage after the catch, it looks like we may be in store for a LONG night in the Black Hole.

12:06 AM EST - Chargers with a three and six, and they don’t have enough to make the conversion.

12:07 AM EST - Fair catch, and the Raiders will be starting their first drive of the second half at their own ten.

12:11 AM EST - Well, that shit definitely has to be pass interference on Jammer. Even a scab could make a call that easy.

12:13 AM EST - And a neutral zone infraction for SD. Things are coming nicely together, I see…

12:15 AM EST - And apparently, Takeo Spikes has been killed on the field. Just thought you wanted to know.

12:17 AM EST - The Raiders come up short on third down, and then they get an illegal substitution penalty. There is absolutely nothing good I can say about the sport of American football.

12:19 AM EST - I honestly have no idea what the hell that was, and I hate everything on the planet right now.

12:22 AM EST - The Chargers have a three and four with about 20 until pay dirt. A stop here is absolutely vital for the Raiders.

12:23 AM EST - Here comes the SD field goal unit. 13-6, Chargers.

Travis Goethel: Officially the Worst Person who has Ever Lived. 

12:30 AM EST - And the Raiders have to punt. And the punt gets blocked. And I think I have to throw up a little.

12:33 AM EST - False start for the Chargers. SD has a 2nd and goal opportunity. Another 3rd and goal coming up.

12:34 AM EST - Well, at least the Raiders were able to stop the Chargers from scoring another TD. 16-6, San Diego.

12:38 AM EST - Yep. This is going to be a loooong autumn…

12:40 AM EST - At this point, I’m beginning to wonder why I’m even sticking around for the fourth quarter. The only reason I can think of is the outside chance of somebody not named Carson Palmer getting passer duties, but good luck on that…

12:47 AM EST - Third and seven for the Chargers. If the Raiders can’t make a stop here, this game is as good as over.

12:48 AM EST - 19-6, Chargers. This is a lot more depressing than I’m making it sound. I think I’m going to make a Taco Bell run after this, and eat myself into a chalupa-induced coma.

12:49 AM EST - The thing about Raiders’ games are that they always give you a sense of false hope. They never lose a game like a normal team, they have to find the absolute most soul-destroying way possible to get defeated. Don’t tell me I don’t know what it’s like to be in an abusive relationship, because if this ain’t exactly that, I don’t know what the hell is.

12:54 AM EST - Not that I really needed to tell you this, but I really hate the team’s new “small ball” approach. That ain’t Richie Gannon out there, Mr. Allen…and none of your receiving corps have the hands of a Jerry Porter either.

12:56 AM EST - START MATT LEINART. And Travis Goethel? I hope that from now on, all of the bad things that happen in life happen to you, and nobody else.

01:03 AM EST - Well, if there’s a silver lining in this shit-turd of a performance, I guess we can say that the Raiders run-defense HAS improved quite a bit. About seven left in the fourth, and the Raiders need two scores.

01:09 AM EST - 22-6, San Diego, and I’m struggling to find anything in this world that has any semblance of meaning anymore.

01:11 AM EST - Well, it’s pretty much pointless to continue doing commentary, but since I’m a masochist, I might as well keep on going until the clock strikes 0:00. My afternoon would’ve been better spent chewing off my own toenails, in hindsight.

01:15 AM EST - Did you know that it’s World Suicide Prevention Week this week? It must be, because the Raiders just offed themselves on live television. This is officially the worst September 11th I’ve ever experienced…

01:19 AM EST - Two minutes to go. And all I can say is, if there aren’t some major line-up changes for this Sunday’s game, heads are going to roll. This better be the last time we see Palmer take a snap all season.

01:22 AM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Now all they have to do is make a two point conversion recover an onside kick, score a touchdown with a minute left and score another 2-point conversation, and we are headed to OT! [#inmydreams]

01:25 AM EST - And SD recovers, and that’s the ballgame. Pending some utterly goofy bullshit, the Chargers are winning this one 22-14.

01:26 AM EST - What was I telling you about Raiders’ games giving you a false sense of hope? This is what I’ve been experiencing every fall for the last DECADE, amigos. PayPal donations out of sympathy are greatly appreciated, by the way.

01:28 AM EST - Well, the Raiders have two seconds to return a kickoff for a touchdown. Which they don’t.

01:29 AM EST - Final score: Chargers 22, Raiders 14. I hate football, with a passion.

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