Tuesday, September 18, 2012

My LIVE Raiders/Dolphins Week Two Recap!

Just when you thought things couldn't POSSIBLY get worse to be an Oakland Raiders fan...


12:45 PM EST - It’s noon on the east coast, which is a time no human being should be awake for, as far as I’m concerned. Half an hour until kickoff, and I’m stuck listening to Howie Long talk about how Michael Vick has had a really, really troubled career. Meanwhile, JB is talking about Twitter on the CBS feed. Not sure which one is worse, to be honest.

12:49 PM EST - The big question mark this week is whether or not the Raiders have their special teams, ahem, problems, sorted out. The less said about last Monday’s season opener, the better.

12:55 PM EST - Just a reminder; in 10 starts for the Raiders, Carson Palmer has 6 losses and just 4 wins, and the Fins have won nine out of the last ten meetings between the two teams.

12:59 PM EST - According to the experts at CBS, the Raiders really need to “avoid getting penalties,” which is sort of like advising a trout to start flying to avoid being eaten by a Kodiak.

01:02 PM EST - It’s a battle of the first year coaches today in southern Florida. The Dolphins are set to receive first. And damn, those are a lot of empty seats in the stands, too.

01:04 PM EST - As good as the Raiders run defense looked Monday night, they sure are playing it loose so far. When Ryan Tannehill can get ten yards plus on your frontline, you know you’ve got some SERIOUS gaps on your D-line.

01:07 PM EST - Leave it to the Raiders to make the Dolphins look like a greater offensive power than the CHARGERS. The Fins are about ten yards away from a TD now.

01:09 PM EST - Third and goal opportunity for the Fins. I expect Bush to get the carry here.

01:10 PM EST - And Tannehill walks it in for an easy six. Football is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me. 7-0, Miami.

01:16 PM EST - Heyward-Bey with a pick-up for a dozen or so. And Palmer follows that up by chunking it into the Atlantic Ocean on the very next down.

01:17 PM EST - Third down, and Carson runs for his life to pick up a new set of downs. And it’s a first and one, actually. It’s not even 2 PM yet, and I hate everything there is about this world.

01:21 PM EST - It takes a LOT for a man to say that he actually longs for the days of having JASON CAMPBELL in the pocket. I mean, A LOT.

01:24 PM EST - Hey Dennis: you’re supposed to call ZONE BLITZES on passing plays. Apparently, he graduated from Tecmo University.

01:24 PM EST - The Dolphins’ punting unit comes out, and it looks like the Raiders will be beginning their next possession from within their own ten.

01:27 PM EST - Current yardage estimates? Oakland,28, Miami, 120. And the Fins have eight first downs while the Raiders have just uno.

01:28 PM EST - Holding call on the Raiders, making this a rare first and fourteen attempt. Heyward-Bey with a pickup of about a dozen or so.

01:30 PM EST - DMC with enough for a new set of downs. Marcel Reece with a pickup of 14, and Palmer decides to throw to an invisible receiver down field.

01:33 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Mike Goodson with a 64-yard pick-up to tie the game and give me a reason to care about living again!

01:40 PM EST - Offside call on the Raiders. I’m as shocked as you are.

01:43 PM EST - Third and 9 for the Fins, and Tannehill dumps it into no man’s land. The Raiders will be starting their next possession from inside their own ten yet again.

01:48 PM EST - Third and eight for the Raiders. Looks like Oakland’s going to have to punt the ball away after Heyward-Bey gets stopped about three yards short.

01:50 PM EST - Total yardage update: Raiders, 132, Dolphins, 151.

01:53 PM EST - And Tannehill eats dirt for a 2nd and 21. The Raiders D is beginning to show some signs of life again…

01:57 PM EST - The O-line is looking way better for the Raiders, and since Palmer has more than five milliseconds to make a pass, he’s actually able to hit a receiver now. And Travis Goethel is on the sideline, because we need to be reminded that horrible people continue to exist in this world.

01:59 PM EST - Honest to god, you have no idea how much I hate Carson Palmer. Seriously, you just do not.


02:01 PM EST - Third and 12 coming up for the Fins. Tannehill thinks the grass is an eligible receiver, and it’s time for Miami to punt.

02:04 PM EST - A nice return for the Raiders, negated by a holding penalty. The Raiders now out-yard the Fins, 156-135.

02:07 PM EST - D-Moore with a big gain, which, of course, is followed up by Carson Palmer effing up as usual.

02:08 PM EST - You know, if the Raiders had just a HALF decent QB, they’d be up by two touchdowns by now. Seriously, a Bruce Gradkowski can’t cost THAT much, can it?

02:11 PM EST - Third and seven for Miami, and Bush comes up a yard short. Raiders starting at about their own 12.

02:14 PM EST - So far, Run DMC hasn’t done much for the Raiders’ offense. We hit the two minute warning, and the Raiders see themselves staring down yet another third down.

02:18 PM EST - D-Moore picks up enough for the first. The Raiders have two minutes to work the clock.

02:20 PM EST - David Ausberry rumbles downfield for a huge pickup. Flag on Miami for roughing the passer, and the Raiders are basically a chest hair away from scoring a TD. First and goal for the Raiders, with about a minute left in the half.

02:25 PM EST - Out comes Sea-Bass. With less than a minute in the half, the Raiders take a 10-7 lead.

02:28 PM EST - The Dolphins just run out the clock, and the Raiders head into the third with a three point lead. Meanwhile, those two cups of coffee I had this morning are crying to be expelled, so pardon for about a minute or two, will you?

02:33 PM EST - I guess my halftime thoughts are pretty obvious. After a very slow start, the much ballyhooed Raiders D is playing like it deserves the hype, but that offense? JEESUS. The Silver and Black need to get the run game up and going, and those receivers need to sink their cleats into some end zone turf. And also, Carson Palmer needs to just up and disappear, like a Chinese dissident or something.

02:40 PM EST - Dear lord, is that Car Fax fox-thingy the most horrible thing I’ve seen in motion, ever.

02:42 PM EST - Yardage update: Raiders, 263, Dolphins 147.

02:44 PM EST - Three and out on the Raiders’ first possession of the third quarter. Yep.

02:47 PM EST - And the Dolphins go three and out, too. This is surely a preview of this year’s AFC Championship.

02:51 PM EST - Raiders starting at their own one, I do believe. Well, FML already.


02:53 PM EST - Another third down coming up. And exactly what you think happens…happens. Miami will take their first snap at about the fifty yard line.

02:59 PM EST - Third and one for the Fins. And that’s a TD for Miami, as Bush hustles for about twenty. Football is the stupidest thing in the world, and I have no idea why I watch it.

03:01 PM EST - 14-10 Dolphins, even though with an actual QB, the score would probably by 35-7 Raiders.

03:02 PM EST - An aside, really, but Kat Dennings isn’t that pretty, people. Whoop de doo, a brunette that wears a lot of lipstick. So hard to find one of those, clearly.

03:05 PM EST - Brandon Myers takes it to about the 50. And the Raiders have to punt again. FTS, so hard.

03:09 PM EST - Carson Palmer is 17 for 33 on passing attempts so far. And also, I hate him.

03:11 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN DOLPHINS. Bush rips off a 65 yard TD run, while I think about all of the things I could be doing instead of watching this shit. 21-10, Miami.

03:18 PM EST - Yeah, I know I’m playing a Flash version of “Castlevania” in public while the referees try to sort things out, but dammit, I just don’t care anymore.

03:22 PM EST - Tom Cable never should’ve been fired, Hue Jackson never should’ve been exiled and Carson Palmer never should’ve been born. That’s all I have to say about that.

03:25 PM EST - Phillip Adams with a 47 yard punt return to give the Raiders their best starting field position all day. And a pass interference call on Miami puts the Raiders at the Dolphins’ 15.

03:31 PM EST - Sea-Bass makes it a 21-13 game. If the Raiders’ defense isn’t stone walling everything the Dolphins try to do for the next 15 minutes, this thing is already finished. And that’s not even CONSIDERING the Raiders’ offense, which apparently has an aversion to the kind of grass growing out of the Dolphins’ end zone.

03:37 PM EST - Well, I’ve decided that I won’t be watching any more games this season. If you’ve given up all hope in this universe before the first week of October…you might be an Oakland Raiders fan.

03:39 PM EST - 28-13, Dolphins. Enough bullshit, time to pull Palmer, get this Dennis Allen prick out of the organization and cut some heads at the front office. This is legitimately the angriest I’ve been all year about anything.

03:43 PM EST - At this point, I doubt the team will win more than four games all season. And the brown M&M is way hotter than the green one. And if you think it’s a little creepy that I’m sexualizing anthropomorphic candies, forget it…Carson Palmer is my starting QB. Like I’ve got shit to look forward to or anything.

03:47 PM EST - Ten minutes left in the game, and I officially hate everything that has ever existed.

03:48 PM EST - Is it cool with you kids if I just cover the Baltimore/Philadelphia game from hereon out?

03:52 PM EST - What can the Raiders do to improve for next week’s game against Pittsburgh? Well, pretty much anything, really.

And Rolando McClain is getting paid HOW MUCH to not do Jack Shit again?

03:56 PM EST - …I really, REALLY hate pro football, people. You have no idea how much.

04:00 PM EST - Watching Oakland Raiders’ games is like the opposite of church - a ritual where every Sunday morning, you get up, dress in your finest linens, and then proceed to fill your soul with the vilest, most reprehensible feelings imaginable. Catholics ain’t got shit on AFC West football fans.

04:04 PM EST - This isn’t a football game as much as it is a test to see how much hatred I can stuff into my conscience until it begins spilling out like a piñata of vehemence.

04:08 PM EST - We just hit the two minute warning…which is about thirteen minutes removed from when I still believed in things.

04:10 PM EST - DMC had a grand total of 22 yards all day. And things are smelling very, very 2003-ish up in this one.

04:12 PM EST - Our final score from Miami? Dolphins 35, Raiders, 13. I hate football, with a passion. 

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