Wednesday, October 31, 2012

Five MORE Awesomely Awful (and FREE!) Horror Movies on Youtube

The absolute best of the worst the Tube has to offer this Halloween…

At some indeterminable point in the past, the suits at YouTube decided it was worth the time and effort to set up movie-centric channels on the site, perhaps as a way to deter all of those scalawags and cretins that like to illegally upload copyrighted material to the site. I really can’t complain about the idea, especially when they give you tons and tons of totally free - and largely, obscure as all hell - movies to sample like a buffet tray or something. Of course, there’s that little problem of streaming ads that pop up every five minutes, but as long as you know the right people to turn to - nudge, nudge - that little problem can be remedied in no time at all.

So, last year, I did a quick round-up of some of the best of the worst you could screen for free at YouTube’s horror movie section tab. Since then, I’ve stumbled upon a whole lot more crap, and decided that it just wouldn’t be Christian of me to let you folks go one All Hallows Eve without knowing what sorts of low-budget, low-quality and low-value monster movies are out there on the Web.

Have some free time this Halloween? Well, here are five MORE awesomely awful horror flicks on YouTube, you can screen RIGHT FREAKING NOW, free of charge…

The Ape Man (1943)
Director: William Beaudine

I’m not exactly certain what horrible things Bela Lugosi did in his youth, but the cosmic forces of the universe made sure he suffered for them during the latter half of his acting career. I think, per capita, there hasn’t been a single human being that’s been in such consistently crappy movies - half of the Ed Wood filmogaphy, a movie in which he co-starred alongside a dude in a gorilla costume and two Lewis & Martin rip-offs…hell, he even had to play second fiddle to Boris Karloff a few times, and by now, we ALL know how Lugosi feels about that. As bad as those movies may have been, I don’t think it’s physically possible for a human being to star in a film less entertaining than “The Ape Man,” a movie that clocks in at just over an hour…which, in my opinion, is about 59 minutes longer than any human should ever be subjected to it.

You may think I’m joking, but by the ten minute mark of the movie, you will be bored to tears. It’s one thing to make a crappy movie, but to make a BORING movie is something completely different. The “plot” of the picture involves Bela trying to kidnap this reporter chick so he can suck out her bone marrow and reversify his gorilla-itis. You see, this movie was made back in the day when polio was still a thing, and the big plot mechanism here is that Bela thought injecting himself with monkey bone juice would remedy his medical malady, but instead, it just made him look like a werewolf and stuff. The movie, in my regards, is really the ultimate motivational tool: after watching five minutes of this turd and a half, you’ll be jumping at the bit to do ANYTHING other than continue watching it.

Goth (2003)
Director: Brad Sykes

When I explain the plot of “Goth” to you, you may erroneously think it’s something worth watching. Rest assured, however, that the execution here is nowhere near is excellent as it could’ve/should’ve been, and the end result is nothing more than a mildly titillating (but mostly, just laborious) soft-core thriller with some mild (I mean, mild) horror overtones.

So, there’s this goth couple that likes to hang out at the local goth club. One night, they meet up with this one goth chick that’s so goth that her name is literally “Gothe.” Anyway, Gothe is walking around carrying super-cocaine in her pocket, and after feeding it to the young couple, they wake up in a van where the titular character makes them perform all sorts of promiscuous activity. Yeah, we get some girl-on-girl content here, but seeing as how the actresses both have Roman noses, their smooching scenes more closely resemble a game of facial joust than tongue lacrosse. After that, we get this ridiculous back story about how Gothe probably killed the sister of the other chick in the movie, and there’s this party scene where a whole bunch of people get stabbed, and the final act tries to get all M. Night on our asses, and…well, let’s just say, this isn’t a very good movie. In any, any respect. For black lipstick aficionados only, I’m afraid.

Monsturd (2003)
Directors: Rick Popko, Dan West

Back in the eighth grade, I wrote a ten page screenplay for a short film about an animated piece of fecal matter that went on a killing spree. Even though I was just 13, I realized quite early just how stupid my idea was, and quickly abandoned it. Unbeknownst to me, apparently some no-talent indie filmmakers got a hold of that spiral-bound, and decided to film my unrealized project anyway.

Really, what could you possibly expect from a movie called “Monsturd?” It’s a movie that is comprised SOLELY of bad doo-doo puns and off-hand references to “South Park.” It’s less a motion picture than it is an hour and half of listening to the kids at the special-ed table eat lunch. The “plot” is basically a re-do of the “Jack Frost” storyline, with an evil criminal dude getting mutated into a super-plastic, super-pliable monster - and in this case, that monster just so happens to be an eight foot tall, living, breathing and gurgling mountain of man-shit. You’re probably wondering just how long such a one-note joke can last. I would say it gets “stale” (har-har!) after about two minutes, and this movie drags in for 88 minutes longer. In hindsight, I think I probably would’ve preferred a bout of Montezuma’s revenge for an hour and a half instead.

Violent Shit 4.0 (2010)
Directors: Timo Rose, Andreas Schnaas 

Thankfully, this one ISN’T a follow-up to “Monsturd,” but a mildly less crappy German exploitation movie that’s one part shock-horror and one part post-apocalyptic hooey. The actual title is “Karl the Butcher vs. Axe,” but come on, folks: this alternate title is way, way more informative and truthful, and if nothing else, the filmmakers should be applauded, for once, giving us truth in advertising.

Admittedly, the plotline here is pretty hard to follow. There are about four or five tribes of warriors running around - including a tribe of Amazonians that like to yank the genitalia off captured soldiers and drink a frothy beverage, subtlety referred to as “sperm-wine” - all trying to…you know, I’m not sure, to be honest. What I do know, however, is that there is a lot of stupid video game humor to be found (at one point, a character performs a literal “fatality” on his adversary) alongside about a million bajillion Monty Python references (I can’t remember which one is Axe and which one is Karl, but one of them is a dead ringer for the Black Knight from “The Holy Grail.”) Overall, it’s a pretty trying and pointless movie, but at least some of the gore effects are decent. And thankfully, the fecal matter quotient on this one - compared to our earlier forays, anyway - remains relatively minimal.
The Werewolf of Washington (1973)
Director: Milton Moses Ginsberg

There really aren’t a whole lot of political-themed horror movies out there, and since we have both Halloween and a Presidential election coming up shortly, I figured this movie - starring Dean Stockwell as an ex-journalist-turned presidential aide-turned lycan - would be a moderately entertaining way to fulfill both quotas. As it turns out - I was wrong. Very, very wrong.

The first problem with the movie is that it’s dark. As in, excruciatingly dark to the point that you can’t tell which character is which. The special effects are pretty stupid, and the social satire elements are way too heavy-handed. Basically, what we’re dealing with here is a horror comedy that doesn’t know it’s supposed to have elements of humor. There are some pretty decent scenes here and there - the part where a Richard Nixon-type turns into a were-beast during a weekly radio address is probably the highlight of the picture - but overall? This thing is just a waste of a good idea, and a forgotten ‘70s relic that deserves to remain dusty and unexamined.

So there you have it, kids: five astoundingly bad horror movies, that you can check out for a grand total of free dollars and fifty-free cents. And believe you me, if you catch ANY of these movies…well, let’s just say you’re DEFINITELY getting what you paid for here.


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