Thursday, October 4, 2012

LIVE Play-by-Play from the First Obama/Romney Debate

Missed the first debate of the 2012 Presidential season? Here's a verbatim transcript of what was REAL-SPEAK. 

08:49 PM EDT - We’re ten minutes away from the kickoff of the first debate of the 2012 Presidential cycle. For those of you wondering at home, I’m using the New York Times feed for tonight’s hootenanny, proving once and for all that I am free from cable news network biases.

08:56 PM EDT - Not that it really matters, but according to the almighty Goog, Romney has a one inch height advantage over Barack Obama. No word on who has the greater reach, though.

09:02 PM EDT - On second thought, the New York Times feed blows. Time to switch to C-SPAN!

09:03 PM EDT - Aw man, I thought Obama was going to come out spider-walking like Jon Jones…

09:05 PM EDT - Obama: “We’re were going, we don’t need roads. Or taxes.”

09:07 PM EDT - Romney: “Poor people are poor, but the only way we can help them is by not helping them financially.”

09:09 PM EDT - Obama: “Education is important and stuff. Especially that math and science stuff, and whatever it is that they teach at community colleges.”

09:10 PM EDT - Obama: “My opponent wants to suck 8 trillion dollars out of the economy. Just like his mama.”

09:12 PM EDT - Romney: “The Middle class is STARVING! They can only afford to buy half as much caviar as they used to.”

09:13 PM EDT - Romney: “As we all know, private gas is the best kind of gas. And if you’re re-elected, all of those poor West Virginians will have no dank, dark shafts to fall into and get cancer anymore.”

09:15 PM EDT - Obama: “FIVE TRILLION, MAN. FIVE TRILLION. And come on, like the military actually wants more money for stuff.”

09:16 PM EDT - Romney: “I wouldn’t support my own tax plan. Oh, shi…”

09:17 PM EDT - Romney: “My children are liars.”

09:19 PM EDT - Obama: “I lowered taxes for small business <makes flashing motion with hands> eighteen times.”

09:20 PM EDT - Obama: “Donald Trump is not a small business, primarily because Donald Trump is a human being, and not an edified, institutional system that generates revenue based on wealth creation. Or hell, maybe he is. I don’t really know anymore.”

09:22 PM EDT - Romney: “If elected, I’ll make sure your Radio Shacks in St. Louis stay open, and hard.”

09:24 PM EDT - Obama: “SEVEN TRILLION. Was I saying five trillion earlier? Well, I meant seven trillion.”

09:25 PM EDT - Romney: “My plan has never been tried before in history. Well, tried while I’m president, anyway.”

09:26 PM EDT - Romney: “Solving the federal deficit is simple: we shouldn’t be in a federal deficit. Not having a federal deficit would surely keep us from having a federal deficit. And also, eff PBS.”

09:29 PM EDT - Obama: “Dude, we got drones now. What’s the point in having an air force, anyway?”

09:30 PM EDT - Obama: “You know, if the upper class actually paid taxes, we might be able to chip away at this whole federal deficit thing. Maybe.”

09:31 PM EDT - Romney: “Do I support ‘Simpson Bowls?’ Hell yeah, I love Bart and Homer!”

09:33 PM EDT - Romney: “Taxation kills jobs. My plan is to take them all to China and Indonesia, where they will be safe form being murdered by American taxes.”

09:34 PM EDT - Romney: “Spain sucks.”

09:36 PM EDT - Obama: “So, I met this one chick in Vegas last week…”

09:38 PM EDT - Romney: “Education. Children. Healthcare. Let me start by talking about the oil companies’ reputations first…”

09:40 PM EDT - Romney: “As the noble Confederacy taught us, states are what make America great, not the totality of the nation as a construct.”

09:41 PM EDT - Obama: “Independence can only be obtained when you rely upon the government to use other peoples’ money to pay your medical bills.”

09:43 PM EDT - Romney: “Old, worthless people? Yeah, you ain’t got nothing to worry about.”

09:44 PM EDT - Romney: “And let’s not forget about your controversial ‘death panel initiative,’ either!”

09:46 PM EDT - Obama: “And you know I’m down with AARP, like AC is down with OJ.”

09:48 PM EDT - Romney: “I’d rather have a private plan. Then again, I’ve got an extra $13 million to kick around, so take of that what you will.”

09:50 PM EDT - Romney: <grabs microphone> “Lemme tell you something, Mean Gene…”

09:51 PM EDT - Romney: “We need regulation. But not HIS kinda’ regulation, if you know what I mean.”

09:52 PM EDT - Romney: “Dodd-Frank needs to be repealed…sorta’.”

09:53 PM EDT - Obama: “So, yeah, a lot of the crap we have going on nowadays is a direct result of poor, individual decision making. Therefore, it’s time to get all sorts of New Deal up in this bitch.”

09:55 PM EDT - Romney: “I don’t know what a qualified mortgage is. I paid off mine with the change in my pocket.”

09:57 PM EDT - Romney: “Expensive things hurt families. And believe you me, my family is HURTING right now.”

09:59 PM EDT - Obama: “Dude, let’s just face it. Dying is a whole lot easier these days than filling out an intake form, anyway.”

10:00 PM EDT - Obama: “Where did I learn it? I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!”

10:03 PM EDT - Romney: “ So, yeah, that means the next President better have some really long arms, then.”

10:06 PM EDT - Romney: “Under my plan, preexisting conditions are covered. With a band-aid, because that’s all I’m going to give you.”

10:08 PM EDT - Romney: “Federal government should not take over healthcare. By golly, that’s what states are for.”

10:09 PM EDT - Obama: “Nice plan you have there, buddy. You know, the one that’s all invisible and shit.”

10:14 PM EDT - Obama: “And that’s while he was STILL fighting all of those damn vampires, too.”

10:15 PM EDT - Obama: “I was talking to this dude in Europe the other day, and he was telling me about this ‘education’ thing…”

10:16 PM EDT - Romney: “It’s the government’s obligation to protect vague, ill-defined abstract concepts.”

10:17 PM EDT - Romney: “I’m telling you, trickle down economics are going to work this time, for sure.”

10:18 PM EDT - Obama: “Budgets reflect choices. And we’re all out of choices.”

10:20 PM EDT - Obama: “Because community colleges are the veritable heart of this nation, right?”

10:23 PM EDT - Romney: “Well, there’s no way private sectors could improve with government funding.”

10:24 PM EDT - Romney: “On day one, I’m going to sit down, and talk to some Democrats. As long as there’s nothing good on, anyway.”

10:27 PM EDT - Obama: “Sometimes, you have got to say ‘no.’ And that works in both English and Spanish, so it’s like, double-effective.”

10:29 PM EDT - Obama: “This election season, let’s not forget America’s most valuable natural resource; grit. Although, truthfully, I prefer oatmeal.”

10:30 PM EDT - Romney: “Obama will squeeze the middle class, while I will create a million, billion jobs using money that rich people will surely not spend on themselves and their respective interests.”

10:31 PM EDT - Jim Lehrer: “Well, that’s all the time we have for tonight, folks. And excuse me, I think I’ll go dunk my head into a trough of whiskey real quick, and drown away the sorrows of this evening…”


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