Wednesday, November 21, 2012

An Ode to the Seasonal Halloween Stores of 2012

Gone, Yet Not Forgotten: An Epic, Free-Verse Poem


I know what you’re thinking. “Hey Jimbo, you do know that it’s THANKSGIVING, so how come you’re STILL posting stuff about Halloween?”

To answer your inquiry, I will give you a two pronged response: number one, holy hell, am I stretched for time as of late, and number b? Because I STILL don’t think that I got my full All Hallow’s Eve fill this past Hallow-season.

Granted, it’s been a pretty busy fall for your kindly INTERNET IS IN AMERICA proprietor, but I think I didn’t do a quarter of the stuff I wanted to for Halloween 2012. Not only is that sad and pathetic, it’s downright inexcusable: this is Halloween we’re talking about, damn it, and if you can’t live it up 110 percent, I’m not quite sure if you’re living what I would consider a complete life, Holmes.

I don’t know about you, but I ALREADY miss all of those seasonal Halloween stores that sprung up overnight in mid-September, only to vanish from the face of the earth come November 01. Why do I miss them, you might ask? Well, here’s just a few reasons, dear reader…in epic, free-verse poem form!

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR HYPERBOLIC STORE MONIKERS! 



 “Halloween Thrills,” “Halloween City,” “Halloween Town,” “Halloween Everything!” 

You turned vacant Office Depot buildings into houses of wonder, amazement and mirth, 


Strip lot parking malls became witches’ covens and Frankenstein’s dungeons, 

And now ‘tis but an empty hole, right next to Dunkin’ Donuts

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR REGALIA THAT REDUCED EVERYTHING TO PLASTIC SLUTTINESS! 


Elastigirl, my, how she doth make all things elastic in this magical kingdom! 

Alongside Snow White, Cinderella, even the sexualization of Sissy Spacek! 


Angry Birds, no, more like sultry birds,

Masking a chub, looking at Leonardo! 

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR RIDICULOUSLY LAVISH PROPS AND ACCESSORIES!


Fog machines, that bubble up crude, electric lights, that blaze like gloom

Fake blood canisters, screeching animatronic props


Candy dishes, with spring-loaded hands

And a good goddamn, The Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man!

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR ABSURDLY AGE-INAPPROPRIATE CHILDREN’S PRODUCTS!


Reading, Writing, and pretending to be gangsters? 

Why not indoctrinate the youth, with stereotypical visions? 


Let’s dress up like thugs, hookers and mobsters,

But hey it could always be worse…at least we’re not S&M monsters!

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR PRODUCTS THAT ARE DESIGNED SOLELY TO INCUR BUYER’S REMORSE!


So many knickknacks, almost all without reason, 

Useless and functionless, that’s the point of the season!


Nothing like dropping a Benjamin, a wasted spend, 

Sort of like voting, for our good Mormon friend! 

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR SELECTION OF NICHE MARKET GOODS THAT, FOR SOME REASON, I ALWAYS NEED ACCESS TO YEAR ROUND!


Pumpkin carvers, stencil sets and stickers galore!

Just one time a year, I think I need more! 


Hair dye, glow in the dark juice, 

Try to find all that shit, at Walgreen’s in June! 

OH, HOW I MISS ALL OF THAT STUFF YOU HAWK THAT I REALLY DIDN’T WANT AT THE TIME, BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT A LITTLE, KINDA’ WISH I WOULD’VE PICKED UP WHEN I HAD THE CHANCE! 


Who in their right mind, could ever require this mess? 

Squishy eyeballs, bean-bag spiders and plastic bats? 


A Michael Myers mini-mask, so gaudy and without tact, 

Jeez, I wish I would’ve grabbed a whole bag! 

OH, HOW I MISS YOUR OBSCURE POP-CULTURAL RELICS! 


Some things, no man should rightly see, 

Like a grown up costume, for the Bride of Chucky!


As far as the licenses, there’s just too much to mention,

You can be a movie monster, even a shitty musician! 

FAREWELL, EYEBALL CLACKERS! 


With your most majestic clack!

FAREWELL, COLOR CHANGING GHOSTS! 


You impeccable sight!

FAREWELL, LIGHT UP PUNCHING PENS!


I once had one stuck in my ear! 

ALAS, FAREWELL HALLOWEEN…


…until we meet again next year! 

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