Friday, November 23, 2012

Five Things Guys HATE About Women's Fashion

Five popular trends that dudes CAN’T stand about women’s apparel and cosmetics

In many ways, I’m sort of the opposite of a misogynist, because I flat out love women. I mean, I adore them and admire them and think that all females - in at least some manner - are both beautiful and alluring. Unless, of course, their name is “Ann Coulter” - sorry, but horse-faces with Adam’s Apples doesn't do it for me, kids.

One of the things I absolutely cannot stand about modernity is how the media-consumption-corporation complex has suckered millions of truly beautiful young adults into thinking they’re fat, ugly and in dire need of overpriced products that they could function just fine without adding to their mountainous credit card debt. If you wonder why so many girls have inferiority complexes and eating disorders, just take a walk down the junior miss section at the magazine rack - it’s literally rag after rag telling our daughters and girlfriends (or if you’re Woody Allen, both) that they need liposuction and facial reconstruction surgery five times a month.

I don’t generally write about fashion and women’s issues, primarily because it's a subject a testosterone-loaded wolverine probably has more credentials heading into than I do. That said, there are still five common elements of contemporary women’s fashion that I - and I would surmise, a good 95 percent of the rest of the male population - utterly abhor and definitely detest.

Ladies, do you want to catch your man - or just some random dude (and, I swear, I’m not going to make any Rush Limbaugh-esque judgments about your moral character if you do)? Well, if so, then take heed: here are five common fashion no-no’s that I think all young women would be wise to avoid…

Furry Boots

"Come on baby, let's go lumberjacking tonight!"

Ugg boots are far and away the most hideous things that have ever been crafted by humanity. They’re expensive, they’re gaudy, and if I didn’t know any better, every single woman in the United States owns at least three or four pair of them.

I’m not really sure why I foster such a distaste for these things, but for the love of all that is holy, NOBODY has to think these things will remain fashionable 20 years into the future. It’s cheap leather (or at the least, some crappy quasi-leather synthetic) juxtaposed with either fur or some sort of fur-like texture. It’s like someone took every “Jersey Shore” episode and smelted it into a form of footwear.

I hate everything about these abominations of capitalism. I hate the way they make girls approximately seven feet taller when they wear them, and dear lord, do I hate that insufferable “clip-clop” sound that permeates the hallway when one of them hoofs across a walkway. I absolutely detest the sight of seeing a human female tuck her blue jeans - or worse yet, neon-hued yoga pants - inside her boots, creating this nuclear explosion of pastel spandex, dyed cotton and pleather around the ankle region. Coupled with a set of oversized hoop earrings and pitch black eye shadow, and you have yourself a perfect storm of “Teen Mom” nausea.


Zooey Deschanel, seen here probably thinking about how evil she is. 
(thanks to Abeam for the Creative Commons nod)

If a girl has bangs, stay away from here. Just…stay…away…from…her.

I don’t think there’s a more sinister looking hairdo out there, personally. Whenever I see a girl whose forehead is obfuscated by a curtain of strategically clipped hair, I can’t help but feel a little suspicious. Is there a reason why she wants to keep me from seeing her forehead? If I gently brushed it aside, would I uncover a second mouth or a third eye or something? There’s a fine line between enigmatically seductive and testicle-shrinking concern, and it’s a line that “bangs” has crossed a long time ago.

I have a theory that all of the women on the planet with bangs aren’t actually human, but pod people like in “Invasion of the Body Snatchers.” Think about all of the celebrities that rock the hair style: Zooey Deschanel, Katy Perry, Carly Rae Jepsen - all humanoid-like, emotionless media creations that display about as much feeling as an unplugged toaster when they’re onscreen. Granted, some guys may think it looks cute, but I know better, pod people. I know better.

Ridiculously Curly Eyelashes

Because nothing is sexier than jabbing sharp things covered in hot glue  into your iris...

As a general rule, guys don’t give much of a shit about eyelashes. Odds are, if you were to pluck every last one out of your skull tonight, tomorrow morning, your man wouldn’t even notice. That said, the multi-billion dollar a year cosmetics-fashion complex has brainwashed you into thinking that the only way to get a guy’s attention is to rub black stuff over your cornea with a sharp stick, and it doesn’t look like it’s a trend that’s going to be falling out of vogue anytime soon…if ever at all, apparently.

This is a trend that I’ve noted fairly recently. I had a girl in one of my classes about two years ago whose lashes looked like set pieces from a Tim Burton movie - they jut out so far from her face, and at such perfectly curled angles that I was beginning to wonder if her face was slowly peeling backwards from her head.

Call me crazy, but I’m not necessarily a fan of the “newborn ostrich” look, and every time I see a girl with these absolutely ridiculous lashes - which are either fake or brought about by some newfangled brand of mascara that circumvents the rules of gravity - I just feel icky inside. Word to the wise, women-folks: guys generally don’t want to spend face time with a girl whose eyeballs look like a Venus’ fly trap ready to attack.

Pinterest Nails

Trust was well worth the eight hour drying session. 

In case you’ve been living under a rock for the last two years, there’s this site out there called “Pinterest.” Your girlfriend is on it. Everybody’s girlfriend is on it. If something has a working set of XX chromosomes, it has a biological need to be on the site. All in all, that’s necessarily a bad thing, unless you think eating brownies shaped like Frankenstein is a negative - and if that’s what you really think, then by god, your girl deserves a REAL man, hombre.

Most of the stuff on Pinterest is pretty harmless, if not kinda’ cool, admittedly. If one weekend you find your girl blow drying a bunch of crayons onto a piece of black construction paper, “Pinterest” is probably the reason why (but then again, she might just be “The Other Sister,” so proceed with caution.) But amidst the really banal stuff - like myriad “Twilight” junk and what appears to be five bajillion manuals on how to make a “messy bun” - you’ll come across a truly horrific phenomenon - the “Pinterest nails” section.

Nail polishing/manicuring in general is something I just don’t get. It’s expensive, it serves no real utility, and it hardly - if ever - looks attractive. Well, the “Pinterest” phenomenon takes what is already pointless and gaudy practice and amps it up to the extreme, so now, instead of just having to wait five hours for your girlfriend to paint and dry her nails a hideous shade like turquoise or burgundy, she will now be spending an even more absurd amount of money and time to paint some sort of elaborate, grotesque design on her nails that she will keep for approximately three days before wiping it off with toxic chemicals and repeating the process all over again. Note to the women of America: no, spending three days and three hundred dollars to make your nails look like Mount Rushmore is NOT going to make us think you’re hot…EVER.

Too Much Damn Lip Gloss 

Clearly, the last thing you see before the ideal goodnight smooch.

In reasonable doses, there’s really nothing wrong with lip gloss. After all, what’s more alluring than a girl with a nice, shimmering pout and the prospect of sucking berry-flavored face with someone? The problem, as is the case with pretty much everything else in life, is when women decide to take what’s a good thing in small quantities and ratchet it up to borderline insane excesses.

Many, many moons ago, I dated a girl who’s mouth was literally drizzling strawberry product…as in, dripping like a faucet that was almost turned off all the way, but just not tight enough. At the end of our date, I didn’t know if we were kissing goodnight or if I was being force fed a gallon of cherry frosting.

Girls, if you’re wondering if you’re wearing too much lip gloss, try asking yourself three questions:

1.) Does it look like you just won the gold medal in a blindfolded, hands-tied-behind-your-back jam eating contest?

2.) From a good ten feet away, would the common bystander mistake the bottom half of your face for a jellyfish?

3.) Is there an outside possibility that your boyfriend would drown in fruit-flavored Vaseline if you French kissed him?

If the answer to any or all of the above is “yes,” then congratulations; you are officially wearing too much damn lip gloss for your own good.

So there you have it, girls. If you want to appear at least superficially decent to the other sex (or Tegan and/or Sara, it is the 21st century, I suppose), you’ve got at least five things you know now to discard from your wardrobe and makeup box. And now comes the truly difficult part when it comes to alluring the men folk (and something you’ll NEVER read about in Vogue and Cosmo and all of those other abominations of print) - developing an actual personality.

And no…I don’t think you can pick that up at Victoria’s Secret, either.


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  2. I agree with most everything, except for pintrest nails and bangs. Hah, you must surround yourself and date some straight up sports bar hoes if you have this much of an issue with uggs or whatever the fuck they're called and lip gloss.

  3. I agree with everything except the bangs. I don't mind bangs.


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