Monday, November 12, 2012

LIVE Play-by-Play from Week 10’s Raiders vs. Ravens Game

Stream-of-Conscious Observations From a Long-Suffering Oakland Raiders Fan

12:39 PM EST - Well, we’re officially at the halfway point of the season, and the Raiders currently foster a rather lackluster 3-5 record, although they did look slightly better than mediocre in some recent games against the Falcons and the Buccaneers.

12:41 PM EST - Sort of an aside here, but Vernon Davis just said on one of those Fox Sports vignettes that the 49ers are a lot like the new Santa Clara stadium - not finished, but getting there. For a minute, I thought he was going to say that the Niners were being illegally funded by siphoned tax revenue.

12:46 PM EST - Oh, and happy Veteran’s Day / Armistice Day, for those of you that still have hard feelings about Verdun and shit.

12:48 PM EST - Wait, Darren McFadden is going to be out for the next four weeks? It’s not even kickoff time, and FML.

12:50 PM EST - Just who the hell is that guy that isn’t Jimmy Kimmel or Frank Caliendo, exactly?

12:52 PM EST - Looks like the Raiders’ performance today hinges on whether or not Marcel Reese and Taiwan Jones can effectively grind against the Ravens’ ghastly D-line. Carson has been playing a lot better than I expected him to as of late, but something tells me that this one is going to be decided based on the run game. Just call it a hunch, I guess.

12:57 PM EST - And of course, the one TV that’s malfunctioning at the sports bar HAS to be the only one playing the Raiders/Ravens game. I wouldn’t want it any other way, really.

12:58 PM EST - Seriously, though, is “Assassin’s Creed 3” REALLY about killing Redcoats with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu? If so, I may have to pick up an Xbox for Christmas.

1:01 PM EST - Just looking at the stats, Palmer seems to be having a better season than Joe Flacco - believe it or not, He-Who-Makes-My-Life-Miserable has three more TD passes on the season, out gunning the Ravens QB by more than 400 yards thus far in 2012.

1:03 PM EST - Raiders with possession first, starting at their own 20.

1:04 PM EST - Raiders clearly trying to get the run game established here. Third down, and Palmer connects with Ausberry for a 20 yard pick up.

1:06 PM EST - Palmer swings it downfield, but no dice. Third and 2, and it looks like the Raiders are a few inches short.

1:07 PM EST - And Palmer falls flat on his ass on a 4th and 1. F. M. L.

1:10 PM EST - Third and 5 for the Ravens at their own 50. Boldin with a pick-up of about 11.

1:12 PM EST - Another third down for Baltimore. They look about five yards short, so expect the FG unit to take the field.

1:13 PM EST - And the 48 yard attempt is good. Ravens take a 3-0 lead with about 9 left in the first.

1:16 PM EST - Raiders beginning at their own 25. And Palmer gets deflected on first down. Of course he would.

1:17 PM EST - Third down and six. Nowhere close to being enough for a new set of downs.

1:21 PM EST - First down for the Ravens, and they get dropped for a three yard loss on the first play of the drive. Give the Raiders some credit, because they’ve done a pretty good job of stopping the run so far today.

1:22 PM EST - Now, stopping the PASS GAME, however, is an entirely different story.

1:25 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. 10-0, Baltimore.

1:26 PM EST - And somewhere, there’s an alternate reality where a 6-2 Hue Jackson-led, Bruce Gradkowksi-piloted Raiders are on cruise control for their second consecutive AFC West title. I wish I lived in that world, a lot of times.

1:31 PM EST - Current yardage estimates? Baltimore, 85, Oakland, 40.

1:32 PM EST - Well, the Raiders finally manage to convert on a third down. How about that Juron Criner, kids?

1:33 PM EST - And the Raiders shit the bed on an end-around. Well, that’s never happened before.

1:34 PM EST - The Raiders are just struggling offensively here. In terms of net rushing yards, the Raiders only have ten yards on the ground today - not that the Ravens, with just 12, are doing that much better.

1:37 PM EST - Nothing at all on third down. Time for the Raiders to punt. As a plus, though, at least Baltimore will be beginning their next possession from within their own five.

1:40 PM EST - If the Raiders don’t win this game, you really have to start thinking about whether or not this Dennis Allen kid will be collecting a paycheck come the 2013 season.

1:42 PM EST - AND MICHAEL HUFF WITH AN INTERCEPTION! Life can be awesome sometimes, you know?

1:44 PM EST - Brandon Myers with a 21 yard pick-up. The Raiders have a first and goal…finally.

1:46 PM EST - And the Raiders have to settle on a field goal after committing nine million penalties in the red zone. I know I’m beating the barely identifiable skeletal remains of a horse here, but these kids HAVE to do something about all of these penalties. 10-3, Baltimore.

1:52 PM EST - Jacoby Jones with a 47 yard gain. Ravens with a 3 and 4 at the Raiders’ 24.

1:55 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAVENS. 17-3, Baltimore. That loud scribbling sound you hear is the sound of the Raiders’ executive office inking up Dennis Allen’s walking papers, I do believe…

1:59 PM EST - You know, a lot of people ask me if there’s anything GOOD about being an Oakland Raiders fan. The answer, in short, is “no.”

2:01 PM EST - The Raiders officially have FOUR TIMES AS MANY penalty yards than they do net rushing yards today. And Palmer just threw an INT.

2:05 PM EST - Not that I’ve been saying this all season, but I think NOW may be the time to bench the ginger. Is it nigh time for Matt Leinart or…gasp…T-Pryor…to begin in the second half?

2:08 PM EST - 20-3, Baltimore. This game might just be the lowlight of the year for the Raiders, and believe you me…that is saying something.

2:11 PM EST - Kids, pro football is the worst thing you could ever do to yourself. If someone offers it to you, DON’T YOU TAKE IT. Trust me.

2:14 PM EST - Two minute warning. This game is so over, you might as well call it “the ceiling.”

2:16 PM EST - If the Raiders don’t score before the second half begins, would you be horribly upset if I just started covering the Saints/Falcons game instead? I mean…really, folks. REALLY.

2:18 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! DHB with a 55 yard pick-up, and we have ourselves a 20-10 game. Now, just as long as the Ravens DON’T score before the half, I think…think…this game is potentially salvageable for Oakland. Maybe. Perhaps. To some extent.

2:21 PM EST - And with a minute left in the second, the Ravens are ALREADY in field goal range. GAHDDAMMIT.

2:25 PM EST -

2:28 PM EST - At halftime, the score is 27-10, Baltimore. The Ravens have out yarded the Raiders 266 to 200.

2:32 PM EST - Seriously, if anyone OTHER than Palmer will be starting for the Raiders, I will be ecstatic. Ecstatic, I tell you.

2:39 PM EST - At this point in the season, I’m not even all that dejected anymore. Hell, I’m just happy to see the Raiders score at least A touchdown over the course of four hours, honestly.

2:44 PM EST - A penalty? On the Raiders? NO WAY!

2:45 PM EST -

2:46 PM EST - Professional football was invented by Satan. No other explanation will suffice.

2:49 PM EST - If it wasn’t for the existence of fantasy football as a thing, I don’t think this game would legally be allowed to continue.

2:50 PM EST - Marcel Reese with a big pickup. TOO BAD IT DOESN’T MATTER ANYMORE.

2:52 PM EST - So can you folks think of any other activities I could be doing on Sundays? Like, something that doesn’t make me hate humanity as much?

2:53 PM EST - TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Denarius Moore with a 30 yard reception for a TD. Now, all the Raiders have to do is stop the Ravens on everything they do from here on out, double their current point count and nail a field goal in OT and this game is ALL SILVER AND BLACK, BAY-BEE.

2:59 PM EST -

3:00 PM EST - And yes, that does mark the third time I’ve killed myself today. That’s the kind of thing that you can do when you’re a Raiders fan, you know.

3:01 PM EST - Ravens, 41, Raiders, 17. Yardage report? 343 for Baltimore, 280 for Oakland.

3:05 PM EST - Well, if there’s a positive I can think of from this evening, it’s that, to the best of my knowledge, all-out nuclear war DIDN’T break out. Beyond that, though, I’ve got nothing.

3:14 PM EST - If you took a shot every time the Raiders committed a penalty today, I’m pretty sure you’d be comatose by now.

3:16 PM EST - Baltimore, 48, Oakland 17. Latest yardage estimates? Ravens, 397, Raiders, 280.

3:21 PM EST - Eff it, I’m just going to start watching the Falcons game instead.

3:22 PM EST - Folks, there are still TWENTY MORE MINUTES of this. There’s an outside shot the Ravens may end up winning this one by triple digits.

3:25 PM EST - Cosmic comedy: this game is playing right beside the Bengals/Giants game, and guess who just flashed on screen? Hint: the guy that COULD’VE been our franchise QB.

3:28 PM EST - Some days, I just wish NFL games were decided solely on which team had the better uniform.

3:29 PM EST - And it is FINALLY time for the fourth quarter to begin. I think all of the Ravens’ starters have been pulled, and so has the likelihood of Dennis Allen remaining employed throughout the remainder of the season.

3:30 PM EST - Wait…you fight bears in “Assassin’s Creed 3,” too? Holy shit.

3:33 PM EST - Gotta’ admit, I’ve been tuned out of this game for the last hour. That Falcons/Saints game, however, is shaping up to be a Game-of-the-Year contender, though.

3:34 PM EST - Ravens 48, Raiders 20. Baltimore has 413 all-purpose yards, while Oakland has just 344.

3:36 PM EST - …just…just…forget it man. Just forget it.

3:38 PM EST - This game isn’t just awful, it’s arguably the worst thing that’s ever happened to humanity as a whole. I swear, that isn’t hyperbole, either.

3:42 PM EST - I wish this game/season/planet was over right about now.

3:46 PM EST - And on a 4th and 3rd, the Raiders bobble in the red zone. This season isn’t just dead, it’s practically feldspar at this juncture.

3:47 PM EST - You know your franchise is in bad shape when the current season is just BARELY halfway over and you’re already pessimistic about your odds NEXT SEASON.

3:49 PM EST - Football is God’s punishment for missing church every week.

3:52 PM EST - You seriously don’t know how bad you have it until you’re an Oakland Raiders fan. Anybody that claims to suffer that isn’t wearing silver and black is just being dramatic.

3:58 PM EST - The Raiders have FIVE TIMES as many penalty yards as they do net rushing yards. Told you the run game was going to prove pivotal today!

4:00 PM EST - The two minute warning is upon us, and it dawns upon me that the Raiders haven’t realistically been in this game since the end of the first quarter.

4:05 PM EST - Well, today sucked. And hard.

4:06 PM EST - The final score this afternoon in Baltimore? Ravens 55, Raiders 20. I hate football, with a passion.

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