Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Round-Up of Little Debbie’s EASTER-themed Snack Foods!

Nothings says “the noble death of our lord and savior” like kite-shaped brownies and marshmallow paste, no?


Tertiary only to Halloween and St. Valentine’s Day, Easter is probably THE third-most day of the calendar year to partake of that most American of pastimes; ingesting huge quantities of sugar-encrusted, pseudo-chocolate materials, hopefully the kind that are shaped like peculiar objects or animals.

The same way Little Debbie takes full advantage of the Oct. 31st and Feb. 14th candy season blitzkriegs, my favorite snack cake company formed by fanatical Seventh Day Adventists seizes the seasonal-Easter-candies market like a big, fat, diabetic hand clutching a tube of cookie dough each and every year. Already impressed by the company’s most recent holiday campaigns, I have to say the Almighty Deb has gone about twenty miles further than any reasonable conglomerate would have to for this year’s egg-hunting, Jesus-dyin’ season.

All in all, I ended up buying SEVEN different varieties of LD-branded, Easter snack-goods this year. There’s actually quite a few more out there, I believe, especially when you quantify all the slight variations out there on store shelves. Just to prove to you that capitalism is the most just of all possible economic systems, yes, you do have the option of chowing down on either pink OR yellow tulip-shaped cakes this spring. If that wasn’t worth the American Revolution alone, I don’t know what is.


To begin our whirlwind tour of Easter goods, I decided to start with a fairly aberrational product; a box of edible Boston Celtics logos. Yeah, these Shamrock Cookies aren’t Easter-themed products, per se, but since St. Patrick’s Day is in the same month as Easter, it might as well count, damn it. I’ve never really been a huge fan of shortbread cookies, and I can’t say that these booger-green concoctions won my over, either. I really liked the fact that each cookie was shaped completely unlike the others in the box, though; for example, I ended up with one that looks about as perfect a facsimile of a three-leaf clover anyone could feasibly bake, and another that looks like a bush that’s had glittery green vomit puked upon it.


I have some difficulties adequately describing what a “Marshmallow Puff” looks and tastes like. I guess the best way I would describe them would be neon-white, sprinkled-speckled bowler hats, filled with what appears to be several melted marshmallow Peeps on the inside. Now, I’m not saying these things are gross, per se, but when you take a bite out of one of ‘em, your mouth just becomes flooded with sugary filling that, on the texture scale, is somewhere between warm pillow stuffing and hot Elmer’s paste. That, and let’s state the obvious, here -- those things like rather Johnson-y, no?


You may recall my tackling of LD’s Valentine’s Day “Marshmallow Treats” back in February. All in all, these re-branded items are pretty much the exact same product, only with rice flakes that have been dyed more Easter egg-ish colors. Texturally, however, we’re dealing with the exact same flavor as the general stuff, so as soon as you bite into one, the snack ends up sinking its way all the way to your gumline, until it looks like you are wearing a Rice Krispie mouth guard. It’s not a bad little delicacy, but outside of the Jerry Garcia color scheme, it’s absolutely nothing you haven’t tried before.


By and large, Little Debbie’s brownie cakes are usually pretty good -- despite tasting identical, no matter which holiday is being exploited. This year, LD has unveiled TWO sets of Easter-themed brownie cakes; one shaped like some neon-hued eggs, and the others? Some kites. Yeah, it’s a pretty uncreative decision, but there’s really not that many Easter icons you could feasibly mass market in snack cake form. I mean, heck, the least these guys could have done is made some brownie power lines to get our brownie kites stuck in, no?


These Easter Basket Cakes are somewhat similar to the afore-mentioned Marshmallow Puffs, although these, I must say, are nowhere near as gross looking or tasting. It’s your standard Little Debbie snack ultimately; a chocolate shell on the outside (complete with totally unnecessary sprinkles), some spongy cake stuff on the inside, and at the nucleus of the product? A gooey, sugary core of pure vanilla crème…stuff. And also, the cakes are shaped like octagons, so they get bonus points for making me feel like I’m eating an Ultimate Fight in the process.


And lastly, we come to the crème-filled Tulip Cakes, which are your standard “light-sponge-cake” offerings. Only covered in bright yellow (or pink, if you prefer) icing. And also, they are shaped like tulips. If you have ever had a sugar-injected sponge cake before, you’ve probably had this thing before. But if you haven’t had one shaped like spring-time flora, though…well, you probably haven’t, to a certain extent. I guess.


So, there you have it; a somewhat comprehensive round-up of Little Debbie’s seasonal, Easter-themed snack cake things. There’s nothing really outstanding on the docket, and if you eat more than three of them at a time, it will probably make you dry heave or something, but you could probably find worse ways to spend $14.32 American on stuff. Alas, if you’re just looking for a decent snack cake to get you through the workday? Try any of these offerings, and you’re likely to have a Good Friday…you know, as long as you’re eating them on a Friday, I suppose.

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