Friday, July 19, 2013

The Five Types of Girls You COULD Date in College

No matter your luck in the game of amore, here's a quick countdown of the five, stereotypical collegiate dames even the lousiest Lothario on campus might have a shot at

A while back, I penned an article for this blog titled "The Five Types of Girls You Date in College." It was about, well, the five types of girls you date in college, I suppose. Alas, the five types of females I listed in that article aren't your sole options as a college go-getter, of course. As a matter of fact, no matter which school you go to -- be it a state university, a community junior college or a pyramid scheme endorsed by Master P -- there's no doubt going to be a sizable pool of, ahem, "widely available" campus women that even the dorkiest and most socially inept fellow has at last a halfway decent chance of hooking up with.

With a new semester right around the corner, I decided to highlight some of the less celebrated date alternatives out there for the nation's incoming frosh. For the uninitiated, the dateless, and the socially averse that are beginning college this fall? Here are the five types of females that just might be your co-ed saving graces... 

The Super Nerdy, Considerably Overweight and Overtly Flirtatious Girl That's Always Outside the Library

Why yes, she would LOVE to go to dinner. Several of them, actually. Tonight. 
College isn't an easy time for most girls, especially if you're not one of those plastic-mold, purple-nail-polish sporting, blonde-pony-tailed, perennially yoga-pants-clad sorority girls with a crippling albeit expertly veiled eating disorder that consumes every moment of your waking life. Simply put, bigger girls just don't get the respect and attention they deserve, and if you're a college lad looking for anybody to date, this is probably you're most reliable wide-out. And yes, I know the term "wide-out" can be construed as a cruel fat joke, and I don't care, to be honest. 

You've seen this girl before, no doubt. In fact, you've probably talked to her/ignored what's she said a few times in the past. Generally, she likes to hang out around the vicinity of the campus library, where she's busy chatting it up with anyone willing to listen to her. Periodically, she'll drag a few fingers across her laptop (no doubt speckled with "Hello Kitty" stickers or something else equally infantile) and if she catches your eye, she just HAS to strike up a conversation with you. 

As far as date material goes, this is a proverbial gift from the gods. Usually a social isolate, she'd probably go out with anybody as long as they don't carry a bloody axe in their backseat. And hell, if she's in a particular dry spell, she probably doesn't even mind the occasional gore-encrusted farm implement, as long as you're willing to hold her hand at some point in the evening. She's almost 100 percent unlikely to turn you down, she might actually have a few interesting things to say while you're out, and as we all know by now, she's roughly 1,000,000 times likelier to put out than the average co-ed. Of course, your dining expenses may exceed the National norms here, but I reckon there's enough fringe benefits to make up for it. 

The Hot-to-Trot, Considerably-Well-Past-Middle-Aged Hyper-Sexual Wannabe Cougar That's Taking Nothing But Remedial Classes
"Mmm, you're cuter than my fifth husband. Who I'm still legally married to, by the way."
It's one of the questions that have plagued college men for eons: "how old is too old?" Well most of us posit "double our own age, plus 5" as a Golden Standard, some folks will strive for whatever they can get. And if you're an especially adventurous type, with looser norms than a Belgian nightjohn, this co-ed here might be just the thing you're looking for.

It's somewhat hard to gauge her age. She looks 40, maybe even in her early 50s, but she could potentially be a 30 year old that's turned herself into beef jerky with self-tanning spray. That said, she will always have the following characteristics: a.) she will be about as intellectual as a tree stump, b.) she will ALWAYS reek of cigarette smoke and knock-off Victoria's Secret perfume and c.) she will make her sexual adventuring known to the public to such a degree that most world class advertising firms would be envious of her self-marketing skills. 

The big positive here, of course, is that as long as you hold open at least one door for her and pay for at least six of her drinks, you're almost assuredly "getting some." The downsides, however, are both severe and multitudinous, including, but not limited to: dealing with her oldest child, who is roughly the same age you are, a possibly psychotic and highly vindictive ex-husband, boyfriend or pimp, and of course, the ultimate deal-breaker: the inherent danger of plunging one's self into a half-century old woman, whose lady-parts may or may not be a miniature CDC collection of sexually transmitted infections. 

The Insanely Quiet-Yet-Always-Twitchy Emo-Goth-Wiccan Girl That May or May Not Be Schizophrenic 
She's not like other girls. Other girls tend to blink their eyes every now and then, right?
There's this thing out there called a "manic pixie dream girl." I could give you a long-winded history lesson on what the hell that is, exactly, but to save us the time and effort, it's Zoey Deschanel. Well, in this particular scenario, what we're eyeing is something of an inverted manic pixie dream girl -- a supper depressive, pseudo-Victorian nightmare co-ed, to some extent. She's pale, she's ridiculously solemn, and she's the kind of girl you just KNOW cuts herself and bleeds all over her diary because it causes the native spirits to do some shit you don't care about. Clearly, this is NOT the kind of girl you'd typically bring home to mom (or acknowledge to anyone else), but dab-nabbit, there's just something about her you can't resist.

You'll probably find her sitting alone, starring off into space in the cafeteria and looking nervously as she attempts to eat a tuna-melt sandwich in front of everyone. If you have a class with her, she will almost certainly gravitate towards the back of the room, where she goes out of her way to shield herself from the rest of humanity. So coy, so silent, so afraid. You just want to hug her, and tell her everything's going to be all right and that you'll whisk her away to a magical, Tim Burton netherworld where everything sounds like The Cure. Well, you would, if not for the fact that all of that stuff you just said are all things you detest with a mighty passion.

Despite her stand-offish disposition, Lydia Deetz here is actually more than likely YEARNING for social interaction quite badly on the inside, so if you woo her enough with your knowledge of "Invader Zim" and "The Crow," you might just be able to score a night at the movies with her, to watch something no doubt wretched and stupid, like "ParaNoman" or "9." Whether or not she's girlfriend material, of course, is a case-by-case issue. My two cents? As long as she doesn't want to do a "sacred blood ritual" with you on the first date or introduce you to one of her split personalities, I say give it a second chance. Especially if one of her split personalities is sorta' slutty.

The Only Male-to-Female Transsexual on Campus
You already have so many things in the same set of genitalia!
The last frontier, in many, many ways. Granted, we live in some fairly liberal times, but I'm not so sure most date-starved college boys are eager for a night out so badly that they're willing to sorta' switch teams for an evening. But, if you're the kinda' fella that don't mine dabbling in the unknown (or if you've ever gotten wood while watching those episodes of "Maury" with drag queen contests) there may actually be quite a few benefits to dating the token campus tranny.

For one, trannies know where the parties are, so if you want to live it up on the dance floor or get sloshed like crazy, these are excellent candidates for dates. Second, trannies are almost always surrounded by non-tranny women, so if you're lucky, you might get what we in the industry call "run-off skank." And lastly, it makes you look open-minded, what with your publicized bi-curiosity and all, and for some reason, that seems to get most chicks really hot.

The big moral quandary here, of course, is how far do you go with her? I mean, if you have a really good time with her, and you're just a little tipsy, and her make-up looks really good and she wants a goodnight smooch, does having one quick, mostly innocent spit-swapping session with a transgendered general education major make you, eegad, one of those kinds of people? Honestly, these are the sort of personal dilemmas that I believe are best decided on the individual level. That said, if anything happens below the waist, the answer -- to whatever question you're thinking about -- is a succinct "yes" in bold lettering. With sparkles.

The Pseudo-Hippie Sexual Libertine That's Literally Made Out with Everyone at School
Seen here, making out with your best friend literally five minutes after you leave the room.
Some girls you just know are trouble, and by trouble, I mean "sluts," but apparently, you're not allowed to use that term to describe people anymore, because it's insensitive or something. How dare we judge people by their individual actions these days, after all! That said, at some point in your life, you're probably going to develop a peculiar attraction to at least one extraordinarily trashy femme fatale, and your college years are probably the most opportune time to meet such a nice assortment of them.

The pros here are rather obvious; if she's a mega hippie skank, she'll probably take you up on your date offer. Buy her some french fries, get her a pitcher or two and possibly buy her a pack of Pyramid Cigarettes, and if you don't know what the grooves of her tongue feel like around your bicuspids by the end of evening, you're basically found a way to throw a rock at the ground and miss.    In terms of output in accordance to effort, the net results hardly get anymore facile than this.

As for the downsides? Hoo, boy. Have you ever gotten into a fistfight at a pub because your girl was playing tongue rugby with some guy over at the pool table who bought her a free round of Schlitz in the split second when you were checking hockey scores on your phone? Or how about punched in the face because you wouldn't spend your last five dollars on a handful of those mini-liquor bottles they sometimes sell in value bins at Wal-Mart? Or received a text message at 2 in the morning reading "LOL, Get YR Junk CheKed, Srsly, tho?" These, my friends, are the high costs of a supposedly "free-lunch," after all...


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