Monday, July 1, 2013

The Most Patriotic Foods of Summer 2013!

The limited-time foodstuffs that are required eatin’ for your July 04th get-togethers

Independence Day is coming up in a few days, and that means one thing: it’s time to stock up on a whole hell of a lot of food for your 4th of July celebratin’.

Now, this being America’s birthday and all, you can’t just go out and buy any old type of food. Oh, heavens no. For the 4th, you’ve got to find yourself some PATRIOTIC food, and if you ask me, there aren’t any foodstuffs out there more patriotic than the following items -- all of which, I must say, are absolutely MANDATORY for your upcoming July 4th shindigs and hootenannies.


They’re Twizzlers, except they’re red, white and blue…the exact same colors as the American flag! And also, Russia and France, but really, to hell with them.

These hyper patriotic Twizzlers, not unlike America itself, represents a tight knot of different flavorings. You’ve got raspberry (freedom), wildberry (opportunity) and lemonade (a national stockpile of nuclear weapons with a payload heavy enough to kill everyone on the planet 60 times over), all mingling together to create a wonderful goulash known as Raspberry, Wildberry and Lemonade Twizzlers (read: the United States of America.)

And as you can clearly see here, alike America itself, Raspberry, Wildberry and Lemonade Twizzlers can be bent and shaped into many different things. Because they are flexible. Like America. Yes, they are.


If there’s a food out there that better demonstrates the natural, dualistic harmony of U.S. race relations than Oreos, I don’t believe it. In one delectable shell, black and white merge together seamlessly, just like we did as a nation after the demise of Jim Crow. Only these limited-time, special edition Oreos are have blue crème instead of the expected honky-colored stuffing. Well, that just shot my analogy to shit.

While these newfangled sandwich cookies aren’t necessarily America-themed, they do promote a lot of the same values that make the United States of America the best country in the history of Earth. As you can see clearly (sorta’), each cookie is emblazoned with a scene that just screams “American summer” [note: actual cookies don’t scream.] There are beaches, and sail boats, and palm trees and even an anthropomorphic sun, no doubt smiling upon the perfect, egalitarian state that is contemporary America.

As good as these Oreos are, they could certainly use some more stuffing. Enter the Pillsbury Stars & Stripe Funfetti White Frosting!

It’s vanilla-like frosting, only with a red and blue sprinkles of stars and other junk inside it! For the Pinterest set out there, here’s a delicious, homemade summer treat you can make for you and your loved ones (with some handy-dandy visuals to aid you in the nom-ination process! Get it, because “nom” is a popular Internet euphemism for eating things, and a “nomination” is part of the electorate system that more or less represents America’s entire political framework!


Open container of Stars & Stripes Funfetti White Frosting. 


Put frosting (with sprinkles) on top of Oreo.


Put another Oreo atop the Oreo you just put Stars & Stripe Funfetti White Frosting on. 




It really wouldn’t be ANY holiday without some specially branded Pop-Tarts on store shelves, and these limited edition, hyper patriotic toaster pastries are not only a beautiful sight to behold, but also a regal reminder of everything that makes America great. Like warm, gooey fruit preservative filling and rock-hard vanilla glaze, most notably.

These holiday-themed Pop-Tarts are quite groovy and spectacular, baring an uncanny resemblance to the Amazing Spider-Man Pop-Tarts the company released last year. In fact, some folks might even go as far as to say that these here America-Tarts are really nothing more than the Spider-Tarts, only with differently colored sprinkles on the frosting and a considerable lack of spider-shaped adornments. People that would say that are probably communists, though. 

These babies are just American craftsmanship at its finest. I'd like to see the Chinese or the CANADIANESE try to craft a toaster pastry that matches the majesty of this product. But they can't...and never will. 

Oh, and this is what a lightly toasted/burnt Red, White and Berry Pop-Tart looks like. Which is "still pretty goddamn-delicious looking," obviously.

And lastly, a look at the inside toaster pastry filling, which, if you ask me, tastes a lot like American exceptionalism. And also, artificial strawberry flavoring. Well, mostly artificial strawberry flavoring, if we were being all literal about things. 


Now I know what you’re thinking. “Jimbo, my friend, why are you including a MEXICAN pizza on this here list of the most patriotic foods of the summer?” Well, that’s because Totino’s Limited Edition Mexican Style Pizza is indicative of this country’s exceptional ability to merge customary practices from other cultures into the great mixing bowl of the American experience as a whole. I mean, shit, here we are, eating a mass produced Italian foodstuff using technology borne out of the greatest international conflict in human history with Mexican branding…on what other country could such a seamless mishmashing of global tastes and technologies fuse together this harmoniously?

That's not to say there isn't at least a bit of controversy surrounding the product. You see, while this Mexican-Style pizza is being marketed as a limited-time only item, it's actually a product that's been on the Totino's production list for years. Of course, they haven't mass marketed it in quite some time, but it's not really a "new" product in the slightest. BUT, proving the justness of our culture, consumer demand forced Totinos to re-release the product; pending widespread acclaim (which it most certainly will obtain), it's only a matter of time until this thing, once again, becomes a standard freezer-section offering in 'Marts and Targets all over this great country of ours. I'm actually dabbing a tear from my eye right now, so I apologize if I misspelled anything in the last sentence. 

When I look at this picture, all I can think about is what Benjamin Franklin would've thought had he also envisioned it. A mildly bent, frozen-solid mass produced Mexi-Pizza, covered in wet plastic wrap -- clearly, he may have nominated this to be our nation's official emblem as opposed to the turkey


And of course, what 4th of July get-together would be complete without a nice dipping sauce of sorts?

Cajunnaise, a particularly scrumptious, paprika-as-fuck sandwich spread, is an offshoot of Baconnaise, a hyper popular pseudo-mayonnaise that was founded by two dudes with seed money harvested from winning $5,000 on an episode of "America's Funniest Home Videos." That origin story alone makes Baconnaise a candidate for the single most American thing ever, but with Cajunnaise, the hyper-Americanism gets ratcheted up towards the stratosphere. What's more American than an inadvertently Bob-Saget-borne bacon-mayonnaise sauce, you may wonder? Well, how about an inadvertently Bob-Saget-borne bacon-mayonnaise sauce with Cajun flavoring?

Opening up a bottle of Cajunnaise is kinda' like opening up a can of New Orleans in your living room. Just look at that texture!

Obviously, since America as a whole is a big, fat melting pot, what could be more American than combining this delicious Cajunnaise spread with the equally delicious Totino's Mexican Pizza? 

Such a wonderful synergy, with such blissful, fluctuating hues of brown and orange. If a sight such as this doesn't bring an immediate tear to your eye, I suspect you of being a state-sponsored terrorist, from some abnormal heck-hole like Iran or Massachusetts

Clearly, such is perhaps the single most American dish ever forged. You know how I can tell? Because, not unlike those souls that see Jesus in burnt tortillas, I envisage a similar celestial vision in this image.

Mere coincidence? Not bloody likely, Comrade...


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