Sunday, September 8, 2013

My LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Opening Day's Raiders vs. Colts Game


12:16 PM EST -- Well, another season is upon us, and you know things are looking up when the NFL on Fox crew is debating whether or not your favorite team will win A game this year. If you don't know the joy of Terry Bradshaw telling the entire country that your franchise needs to be dismantled and relocated, you sir, know nothing of the concept of "misery."

12:18 PM EST -- Not surprisingly, there are quite a bit of Atlanta Falcons supporters at the sports bar this afternoon. And judging from the smell of the place, they apparently enjoy smoking paper towel rolls.

12:19 PM EST -- But seriously, Falcons fans are some of the most hideous looking people on the planet. At least us Raiders fans have the good sense to cover our mugs with face paint and shit.

12:20 PM EST -- Terrelle Pryor is our starting QB for the Raiders, and...for now...D-Mac is in the backfield. Whether or not that's the case come week 8, nobody can tell at this juncture.

12:23 PM EST -- The Fox crew sure is talking about the Jets a lot. Did CBS and Fox swap conferences this season?

12:24 PM EST -- Well, at least we've got Charles Woodson again. If I could find that jersey I had from the 10th grade, I would totally be wearing it right now.

12:26 PM EST -- Jacoby Ford is expected to handle both punt and kick return duties this evening. With a straight face, I can tell you that our special teams is the ONLY thing I feel 100 percent confident about this year. IF YOUR TEAM'S BEST SELLING JERSEY HAS A PLACEHOLDER'S NAME ON IT, YOU MIGHT BE AN OAKLAND RAIDERS FAN.

12:29 PM EST -- Theoretically, which would you prefer? L.A., London, or splittin' rent with the Niners? Just...wondering.

12:30 PM EST -- And the Fox folks are STILL talking about Geno Smith and the Jets.

12:31 PM EST -- I am convinced that Tony Siragusa is actually the kid that played Josh Birnbaum in "Heavyweights" all grown up.

12:35 PM EST -- Huh, there actually is a guy out there named Josh Birnbaum, and he used to work for Goldman Sachs, too. Hmm...

12:36 PM EST -- This year's halftime act at the Super Bowl will be Bruno Mars. My condolences to second place runner-up, Manowar.

12:38 PM EST -- I actually do like Bruno Mars, though. Especially back when he was called Lenny Kravitz.

12:38 PM EST -- I guess we're supposed to talk a bit about the Colts, no? Well, they're favored in this one. By a bunch.

12:40 PM EST -- Adding injury to injury, one of Andrew Luck's new targets this year is Darrius Heyward-Bey. And I seriously had NO IDEA that Reggie Wayne is still playing football.

12:41 PM EST -- As a plus, it is rather easy to make a homemade Andrew Luck voodoo doll. I mean, shit, all you need is a piece of broccoli, and you've got a near perfect facsimile of the Colts' QB right in front of you.

12:42 PM EST -- Less than twenty minutes until kickoff/my four month PMS cycle.

12:43 PM EST -- Prop bet time: Will the over/under for Raiders penalties today be plus or minus 20?

12:44 PM EST -- I hear Peyton Manning is a pretty good quarterback and stuff. Thank god he isn't on the opposite of the field today! And...oh, yeah. Never mind.

12:48 PM EST -- UFC fighter Glover Teixiera is the illegitimate love child of Jay Glazer. Has to be.

12:52 PM EST -- There are bout 49 flat screen TVs here that are crystal clear and fully functional. Guess which game the sole shitty static-y one will be playing this afternoon.

1:09 PM EST -- It has taken them THIS long to find the game on the NFL Ticket. If stuff happened during the first five minutes of the game, I sure as hell missed out on it.

1:10 PM EST -- Third and three for the Raiders. And Denarius Moore with enough for the first down. Raiders in Colts territory now.

1:11 PM EST -- D-Mac with nothing on the first carry.

1:12 PM EST -- AND PRYOR WITH AN INT. But there is a flag on the play, though.

1:13 PM EST -- Indy retains possession. Well, of course they would.

1:14 PM EST -- This defense hasn't even taken the field, and I'm already feeling suicidal.

1:15 PM EST -- The Colts literally play in a giant basketball arena.

1:16 PM EST -- There are some holes in the Raiders run defense. And also, water is occasionally moist in its most natural of states.

1:17 PM EST -- And Andrew Luck with an easy first down, thrown to...who else?...Heyward- Bey.

1:19 PM EST -- Raiders offside. And enough for a new set off downs on the next play.

1:20 PM EST -- Reggie Wayne with a pick-up of like 40. It's not even an hour into the first game of the season, and FML already.

1:21 PM EST -- IF YOU'VE EVER SAID "I REALLY WANT THE OTHER TEAM TO SCORE JUST TO GET OUR DEFENSE OFF THE FIELD," YOU MIGHT BE AN OAKLAND RAIDERS FAN.

1:22 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. The word "porous" doesn't even begin to describe the Raiders pass defense.

1:24 PM EST -- Raiders with 48 total yards, the Colts with 84.

1:25 PM EST -- Pryor back on the field...for whatever that's worth.

1:28 PM EST -- A decent run up the gut by DMC. Rod Streator with a decent gain for a new set of downs.

1:29 PM EST -- DMC with no gain on first down. Flags EVERYWHERE for a Raiders false start.

1:31 PM EST -- Thus far, Streator is proving a better HB than DMC. Third and six coming up.

1:31 PM EST -- Dennis Allen, by the way, just turned 19.

1:33 PM EST -- Second quarter begins. And the Raiders come up short. Having Pryor in a third and long situation brings about the same amount of trepidation that you'd expect from para-sailing during a hurricane.

1:34 PM EST -- Well, there's Matt Flynn on the sideline. Yep, he sure is. There, on the sideline.

1:37 PM EST -- THEY'RE GOING FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN! And now they get a delay of game penalty. Our best offensive strategy is trying to get the other time to go offsides. Dead. Serious.

1:39 PM EST -- The irony of RICH GANNON calling this game is both horrible and more horrible at the same time.

1:40 PM EST -- Third and nine for the Colts. And an easy pick-up. And a holding call on the Raiders. Usually, it takes the team at least until October to make me abandon all forms of hope in this world of ours. At least they're getting more efficient in ONE area, I suppose.

1:42 PM EST -- My favorite thing about football are the seven months where it isn't happening.

1:44 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. 

1:46 PM EST -- You know how earlier, Terry Bradshaw was pondering whether or not the Raiders would win a game this season? Hell, at this point, I think the question can be raised whether or not the Raiders will score A touchdown in 2013.

1:49 PM EST -- 14-0 in favor of the Colts. Will the Raiders be this year's 2008 Detroit Lions?

1:50 PM EST -- I can't wait for Jadeveon Clowney to out-Jamarcus Russell Jamarcus Russell in 2014.

1:52 PM EST -- All right, Terrelle...if you gotta be Cam Newton Lite to score, I say do your "thing" Cam Newton Lite!

1:54 PM EST-- Pryor is the best NFL running back since Tim Tebow. And the Raiders are in the red zone for the first time all day.

1:58 PM  EST -- Raiders just a yard or two away fro pay dirt.

1:59 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

2:00 PM EST -- DMC up the gut for a facile TD. That's the first rushing TD scored by the Raiders since Oct 14. 2013.

2:01 PM EST -- Total yardage? Raiders, 169, Colts, 153.

2:02 PM EST -- Not surprisingly, Pryor is our rushing leader thus far into the evening. Looks like our new offensive strategy is "let Terrelle cosplay as Michael Vick," and we at least have a fighting chance, offensively.

2:05 PM EST -- Best defensive showing by the Raiders all day. Can the Raiders O put a couple of more points on the board before halftime?

2:06 PM EST -- Do you think the league would let the Raiders put Sebastian Janikowski at QB, and let him kick passes to our receivers? He'd have to have a better completion rate than Carson Palmer, at least.

2:08 PM EST -- Two minute warning approaching, with the Raiders facing a 3 and 1.

2:10 PM EST -- Is kissing a girl that smokes e-cigarettes as gross as kissing a girl that smokes normal cigarettes? Those things weren't en vogue back in my barhopping days, and I'll be forever curious.

2:12 PM EST -- Marceel Reece, I hate you more than anyone who doesn't actually know you should ever hate you.

2:13 PM EST -- And the Raiders D with their first sack of the afternoon. I'd say the defense is showing some signs of life, but...yeah, we'll torch that bridge when we get to it.

2:14 PM EST -- Third and 16 for the Colts. And no good. Two very, very impressive showings from the Raiders secondary on these last two drives.

2:15 PM EST -- Raiders get the ball at about midfield, with less than a minute to go.

2:17 PM EST -- And Pryor gets flattened on a fake hand-off attempt. Third and 13 upon us, with twenty seconds left in the half.

2:18 PM EST -- Here comes the field goal unit. Sea-bass was 25 for 25 inside the 50 last season.

2:19 PM EST -- So, of course, he shanks it. In some ways, the fact that the Raiders are down by just a field goal is a miracle in its own right.

2:20 PM EST -- Halftime thoughts? Well, Pryor looked really, really good on that one drive, so I doubt they won't stray from the offensive scheme too much. After doing their best Swiss cheese impersonation for the first 20 minutes of the game, the Raiders D looked pretty impressive on its last two outings. If the Raiders have any chance of stealing this one, it's going to be on the back of their run game.

2:22 PM EST -- Oakland with 202 yards, compared to Indy's 156. The Raiders have outrun the Colts 88 to 39, while Andrew Luck has out-passed T-Pryor by just three yards (117 to 114.)

2:23 PM EST -- There are some weird-ass scores across the league right now. KC is beating Jacksonville 21 to 2, while Tennessee leads Pittsburgh 7 to 2. And the Bucs are leading the Jets, 14 to 5. If you like safeties, this must be a great day to be a football fan.

2:31 PM EST -- Colts with possession to begin the third.

2:32 PM EST -- Holy shit, has anybody else noticed just how much Rich Gannon looks like Peter Weller these days?

2:34 PM EST -- And the Raiders switch back to their "Swiss Cheese" package, it appears...

2:35 PM EST -- Third and two for the Colts. No completion, but a pass interference call on the Raiders D negates it.

2:37 PM EST -- Third and nine. And Luck survives a mad blitz for a new set of downs.

2:39 PM EST -- Personal foul call on Colts. Fist and 25 for Indy.

2:40 PM EST -- And NOW the Raiders D decides to sack Luck. We've got a third and 31 on the horizon.

2:41 PM EST -- And the Raiders will start their next offensive drive from the Colts' 15. Pushing the Colts out of field goal range on that last drive was downright pivotal; that's gotta' give the team a little bit of confidence.

2:44 PM EST -- The Raiders' strategy on offense now? Run, run, and if in doubt, run some more.

2:46 PM EST -- And Pryor scrambles for what should be a new set of downs. Third and one, actually.

2:50 PM EST -- Pryor with a pick-up of damn near thirty! Raiders now in Colts territory.

2:51 PM EST -- And a holding call on the Colts. Pryor with 91 rushing yards on the day.

2:52 PM EST -- And Pryor is officially turning this into a game of "Madden NFL 2004."

2:53 PM EST -- Pryor runs it for close to a first down, and also kills a chain gang official in the process. Out comes the special teams unit.

2:54 PM EST -- And the Raiders put an extra three on the board. 14-10, Colts.

2:56 PM EST -- Clearly, the Raiders need another TD, and without saying, they've got to keep the Colts from putting any numbers on the board if they want to win this one.

2:58 PM EST -- Don't look now, but the Raiders are leading the Colts right now in rushing, passing and total yardage.

3:00 PM EST -- Colts doing very good up the middle. The Raiders D might want to take note of that.

3:02 PM EST -- Third and one coming up for the Colts. And the Raiders stop them. And the Colts are going for it on 4th and inches. AND LUCK GETS SACKED!

3:03 PM EST -- Raiders will begin at close to the Colts' 40.

3:04 PM EST -- If he keeps it up, I might just name my first born "Kevin Burnett."

3:06 PM EST -- And Pryor scrambles for another first down.

3:09 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

3:10 PM EST -- DMC with a 30 yard TD reception. Which is being reviewed...

3:11 PM EST -- AND IT'S OVERTURNED! I HATE FOOTBALL, SO MUCH!

3:12 PM EST -- Raiders pick up a new set of downs within the Colts' 20.

3:13 PM EST -- Second and 10. And now a third and 10.

3:14 PM EST -- And a mad scramble allows the Raiders to push it within the five!

3:16 PM EST -- Delay of Game penalty. Second and goal for the Raiders.

3:17 PM EST -- And third and goal at the five.

3:17 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

3:18 PM EST -- Denarius Moore with a five yard TD pick-up. The Raiders lead 17-14.

3:19 PM EST -- The Raiders have outyarded the Colts, by the way, 311 to 215. The Colts "D" has given up 17 unanswered points, also by the way : )

3:21 PM EST -- 2nd and 15 for the Colts. Now a third and eight. Indy converts.

3:24 PM EST -- A neutral zone infraction on the Raiders. About eight minutes left in regulation. Luck goes deep, and nothing. Third and two coming up.

3:26 PM EST -- Colts take a timeout. They have just one left.

3:28 PM EST -- And the Colts convert. Luck overthrows on second down.

3:29 PM EST -- Colts close to another first down. And a 15 yard penalty on the Raiders. F. M. L.

3:30 PM EST -- Six minutes left in regulation. Vinateri is definitely in FG range.

3:31 PM EST -- Incomplete pass. Third and three for Indy.

3:32 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN COLTS. 

3:33 PM EST -- Luck rushes it to make it 21-17 Raiders. Remember that field goal Janikowksi shanked earlier? Yeah. Me, too.

3:35 PM EST -- Raiders will begin at their own twenty. That gives Pryor five and a half minute to wrap this one up.

3:36 PM EST -- 2nd and 3rd. And now a third and one.

3:39 PM EST -- A 41 YARD RECEPTION FOR THE RAIDERS! And the Raiders get a five yard penalty on the next play for too many men in the huddle.

3:41 PM EST -- First and 15. DMC with a pick up of about five.

3:42 PM EST -- Third and Nine. Woo, boy. And the Raiders drop it. And get a holding penalty. F. M. L.

3:44 PM EST -- Fourth down, about nine to go, two minutes left in the game. This is it, folks.

3:45 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS CONVERT! Moore takes it within the ten!

3:47 PM EST -- Second and goal. And third and goal, with thirty three seconds left!

3:48 PM EST --

3:49 PM EST -- And in an homage to Peyton Manning, Terrelle Pryor decides to throw a game-losing INT at the most dramatic possible time. As it turns out, that missed FG earlier WOULDN'T have saved us the game. But it sure as hell would've made a crushing loss even more crushing. God. Damn. The World. All of it.

3:50 PM EST -- And the Raiders snatch defeat out of the jaws of victory, losing an absolute heart-breaker 21-17.

3:51 PM EST -- I hate football, with a passion.

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