Thursday, October 31, 2013

A Round-Up of the Seasonal Foodstuffs of Halloween 2013!

Our THIRD ANNUAL Celebration of the Best Limited-Time Snack Food Offerings of the All Hallow's Eve Season!


Another All Hallow's Eve Season has come and gone, I am afraid, and while Halloween 2013 is soon to be but just another fleeting memory, our stomachs, most certainly will always recall this year's limited-time only, Halloween-centric seasonal foodstuffs with much reverence. 

The 2011 bumper crop wasn't bad. 2012 had a pretty nice slate, too. But this past season's line-up of "Halloween time-only" snack foods and beverages has to be the most amazing line-up of spooky edibles and drinkables I've encountered in this lifetime. I mean, we've already chowed down on Little Debbie's Pumpkin Brownies,  reconnected with our good buddies Frute Brute and Yummy Mummy and washed it all down with Jones Soda's Red-Licorice Frankenstein Cola...how is it even remotely possible to top those ghoulish gustatory experiences, really? 

Well, all I can say is, there's no deficit of seasonal foods out there to pay one final respect to before the 2013 Hallow-season is no more. Gather round, folks, as we reminisce over the limited-time only novelty products that have brought us so much joy since late August...


Chips Ahoy! Halloween Cookies!

Halloween cookies are a pretty good place to start the voyage, no? These products are pretty basic -- in essence, they're just regular Chips Ahoy! cookies -- BUT they've been re-branded with some holiday flair, so they're automatically ten times more awesome than normal. 


Unfortunately, there's really not a whole lot to talk about with the products, though. Despite the snazzy black and orange packaging, there's really nothing at all too unique about the cookies themselves, outside of some generic orange sprinkles speckled on the products to meet the bare minimum requirements for "special edition" licensing. I mean, don't get me wrong, the cookies do taste really good, but in this case, the "Halloween theme" is largely just a nominal one. It's a good, subtle way to begin the journey, but I think we can all agree that something a bit more lively is called for, no?


Candy Corn Oreos!

And the Halloween Gods smile upon us, with this absolutely AMAZING offering from Nabisco. Sure, we've tried plenty of non candy corn-flavored candy corn things in the past, but I doubt that even the most superlative of candy-corn-flavored-things-related experiences can really prepare you for the sheer amazingness that are "Candy Corn Oreos." 


For one thing, I like the fact that Nabisco opted for the beige cookie instead of the black ones. Anything that can save me a case of the dreaded "Black Tar Oreo Mouth" is a good move in my book, automatically. Of course, that alone isn't what makes these things so outstanding. That qualifier, unsurprisingly, belongs to the flavored creme itself.


The dual color scheme is cool and all, but that's not the truly impressive thing to address here. That honor would go to the TASTE of the creme, which amazingly, tastes more like candy corn than just about any candy corn-flavored confection I've ever tasted before. These things are really yummy, they don't make your teeth look like coal fragments, and the creme can easily be peeled off and melted into a fine fondue, if you really wanted to. If Nabisco doesn't bring these things back for 2014, there will be RIOTS IN THE STREETS, no doubt.


Pumpkin Spice M&Ms!

A Target exclusive, these special-edition M&Ms are designed to capitalize on America's love affair with all things pumpkin-spiced. To be honest, I'm actually kinda' surprised it took Mars this long to trot them out, really. I mean, shit...when McDonalds is squirting out craptastic pumpkin lattes, you KNOW its a domain ripe for the pillaging by any and all parties.


The color scheme for the candies was pretty much what you would expect: green, orange, and some brown. The bag did have a certain smell, I suppose, but it wasn't really a pumpkin-spice aroma. You could tell these weren't "normal" M&Ms as soon as you ripped them open, but judging from the smell alone, I highly doubt most folks would make the pumpkin spice connection at first whiff. 


Peculiarly, the treats didn't really taste much like pumpkin-spiced comestibles, either. It's kinda' hard to describe their taste and texture really -- as before, you knew they weren't traditional M&Ms, but at the same time, after you plopped them in your mouth, I don't think you'd necessarily deduce these things as being pumpkin-flavored, in any regard. The cinnamon flavoring is there, I suppose, but it's a bit faint. No offense Mars, but next year, you're going to have to do a bit better than this come Q3...


Pillsbury Halloween Funfetti Frosting!

You may recall Pillsbury's Funfetti Fourth of July Frosting from earlier this year. Never ones to turn down a chance to make a facile dollar or two, I guess it's no surprise to anybody that that same frosted goop would be making a return appearance come Halloween, no?


Of course, the frosting comes with the traditional container of sprinkles...which, hey, what do you know, are all Halloween colors! Not exactly the most original concept here, but come on...it's free sprinkles, dude!


Now, ripping off the metallic protective flap and uncovering this ORANGE frosting may not have been a surprise on par with "The Crying Game," but it was quite unexpected, nonetheless. While the frosting did have a very unusual tangerine tone, it tasted pretty much the same as any vanilla frosting you've sucked down before, so the deviation here, I assure you, is merely cosmetic. 


With the unguent paste provided by Pillsbury, I attempted to make a Jason Voorhees cookie with some of the aforementioned Halloween foodstuffs. Needless to say, the end results were as impressive as you would have imagined them! 


Marshmallow Ghost Peeps!

Sacrilege to some, I've never really been a huge fan of Peeps. I mean, don't get me wrong, they are adorable and all, but marshmallows have never really been my forte when it comes to saccharine food stuffs. Call me crazy, but I hardly think that three seconds of chewy bliss is worth spending the next half hour digging clumps of sugary goo from your bicuspids.


The marshmallow ghosts (henceforward referred to as "ghostmallows") had a very unusual paper doll aesthetic going on. I mean, yeah, you could easily yank them apart and eat them as individual supernatural beings, but what's the fun in that? Of course, staring at this nigh-perfect polter-trio got me wondering about what would happen if they were, I don't know, microwaved on high for about 45 seconds. Needless to say, the devil on my shoulder was singing its praises a LOT louder than the angel on the adjacent blade...


Their exorcism via radiation wasn't exactly a rousing success. Yes, I could have microwaved them even longer, but seeing as how my idea of a good time isn't spending all evening scrapping exploded goop off things, I decided to let the fellas here boil and simmer for less than a minute. Even in such a short amount of time, you no doubt see for yourself, they got deformed pretty noticeably -- through the magic of electricity, what started off as a trifecta of Caspers wound up becoming a trinity of Fatsos in the blink of an eye.

Huh...radiation spawned mutants, melted ghosts and a completely unhealthy amount of sugar absorbed into one's bloodstream...really, is there any better way to say "adios" to the Halloween season than that?

I think not, boils and ghouls. I think not...


HAPPY HALLOWEEN FROM YOUR FIENDS
AT THE INTERNET IS IN AMERICA!

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