Thursday, November 14, 2013

Five Movies I’d Really Like To See Get Made

Film ideas so awesome, nobody in Hollywood has the cojones to go anywhere near them…


The 1970s was arguably the best decade ever for movies. No matter what genre you were into -- be it dystopian sci-fi, proto-slashers, kung-fu revenge fantasies, gangster epics or high brow sex comedies -- there was more than a fair share of classic offerings to go around.

Looking back, however, it becomes woefully apparent that so many of those classic flicks would never get past the first round of cuts nowadays. All-time masterpieces like “Slap Shot,” “The Kentucky Fried Movie” and “Blazing Saddles” would likely be protested out of existence if they were released today, and instead of receiving widespread critical and public acclaim, you’d probably see people trying to torch theaters down to the ground or something.

In today’s hyper-P.C. world, even our raunchiest comedies and ghastliest horror films have to be pre-processed to remove any overly-insensitive content. As such, this has made the satire as a film genre incredibly flaccid --with movie-makers unable to fully shine a light upon the social prejudices they are mocking and criticizing, today’s “culturally conscious” films are almost always humorless, blunt-as-a-sledgehammer trifles that feel more preachy than entertaining.

In that now archaic spirit of politically incorrect social satire, here are five ideas for movies that would be awesome beyond words, yet wholly unfit for mass consumption, per today's hyper-vigilant, easily-offended moral watchdogs and sensitivity police...

Organized Fury


"They're going to transplant a foot on the ass of injustice!"

Genre: Action / Sci-Fi / Drama

The Premise: An engaging thriller about a group of organ recipients that begin to have dreams about the organ donor’s murder. Together, they unite to bring the drug cartel responsible for their donor’s death to justice…horribly, excessively, ridiculously over-the-top violent vigilante justice.

Tagline: “This Summer, They’re Donating…Vengeance.”

So, Basically, It’s Kind of Like:Miami Connection” meets “The Story of Ricky,” with a little bit of “Shocker” and “A Nightmare on Elm Street” thrown in for good measure.

The Plot: Jon Tarangento was the best cop on the squad; tough, dedicated and grizzled, but still a devoted family man. Targeted by a gang of suspiciously multicultural drug assassins, Tarangento is horribly murdered by a specialized crew of hitmen known as “The Body” --  Johnny Legs, Joey Eyeball, Julio Armstrong, Lungs McGee and the head of the cartel, Aleksandr “The Brain” Choi Hui. After Tarangento’s death, various organs of his are dispersed to a ragtag group of organ recipients -- a middle aged African-American bus driver that needed a liver transplant, a legally blind Mexican street performer with cataracts, and an elderly kung fu master with heart problems named Lee Li. Soon, the three start having recurring nightmares about Tarangento’s death, with the trio ultimately uniting to exact revenge of “The Body.” One-by-one, the recipients pick off the members of the assassination squad, killing them in horrifically ironic ways -- for example, Joey Eyeball has has eyeballs poked out, Julio Armstrong has his biceps ripped in half, etc. The film concludes with the three duking it out with “The Brain’s” guards inside a burning Krokodil manufacturing facility.

Dream Cast? The mom from “Surf Nazis Must Die” (pending she isn’t dead by now) as Marguerita “The Bus” Hamilton, Peter Weller as Jon Tarangento and the dude that played the main bad guy in “The 6th Day” as “Aleksandr Choi Hui.

Preferred Director: Either Takashi Miike or the dude that directed “Mac and Me.”

A snippet from the hypothetical Rogerebert.com Zero Star Review of the Film:This film is an orgiastic celebration of fascist violence, an intelligence-insulting ‘revenge’ fantasy with plenty of gore and guts but hardly anything in the way of plot, character development or even dialogue, for that matter. And it’s also racist, even though I don’t know how to expound upon that in this review, though.”


MLK Day


"Mine eyes have seen the gory..."

Genre: Horror / Slasher

The Premise: Set in Arizona in January 1990, the film revolves around a clique of  obnoxiously racist high school seniors, whom decide to hold an all-day and all-night long drug and sex party in an abandoned post office. Little do they expect that they’re not alone, as a mysterious masked man begins to kill them, one by one…

Tagline: “His Dream…Will Be Their NIGHTMARE.”

So, Basically, It’s Kind of Like:My Bloody Valentine” meets “Do the Right Thing” meets “The Exterminating Angel.”

The Plot: The graduating class of San Modesto High are your usual throng of snobby elitist white kids -- foul mouthed jocks, prejudiced cheerleaders, new money yuppies in training and of course, your token weed dealer and comedic fat kid. Noticing that the local post office is closed for Martin Luther King Jr. Day, seven seniors decide to use the venue as a hangout spot, to do copious amounts of drugs, have copious amounts of sex, and tell copious amounts of racist jokes. While the kids enjoy themselves at first, spooky things begin happening, and they soon realize they are locked inside the building, with no viable escape routes. One by one, the kids are murdered Agatha Christie / "Friday the 13th" style, until the two least racist kids in the movie confront the homicidal maniac -- who, in the film’s closing shot, is revealed to be Al Sharpton.

Dream Cast? Jaime Pressly as Elizabeth McBush, the snooty head cheerleader, Frankie Muniz as Dank Parkinsons, the local weed hookup and Danny Glover, in 50 pounds of prosthetic makeup designed by the guy that made the trolls in “Ernest Scared Stupid” as Al Sharpton / The Shape.

Preferred Director: Steve McQueen or Steve Miner…whoever answers their phone first, really.

A snippet from the hypothetical Rogerebert.com Zero Star Review of the Film: “A horribly misguided attempt to examine the all-too-real social injustice of racism in American society. There is an important message to be found in the film, but it’s sadly buried underneath so much exploitative excess that it renders the entire movie as a whole unwatchable. And it’s also racist, despite thematically being anti-racist, somehow.”

Lost and Founding Fathers

"He cannot tell a lie...humanity's fucked." 

Genre: Fantasy / Adventure / Drama / Political Thriller / Satire

The Premise: Using (ironically) black magic, the Koch Brothers manage to open up a transdimensional portal to the netherworld, so they can bring back every single signatory of the United States Constitution to the modern day and help overthrow the Barack Obama Administration. Unfortunately, the Founding Fathers aren’t really the hyper-libertarian freedom lovers the neo-cons thought they would be, as the finale of the film sees the editorial board of Reason magazine suiting up in mech-armor to stare down George Washington, who commands a Statue of Liberty cyborg built using NSA acquired documents stolen from the private sector.

Tagline: “They Shouldn’t Have Awaken Daddy…”

So, Basically, It’s Kind of Like:Transformers” meets “Ghostbusters” meets “Atlas Shrugged, Part II.”

The Plot: Midwestern paper barons and neoconservative power players the Koch Brothers get sick and tired of Obama’s finagling with the Constitution, so they use a demonic relic to spring open a portal to the Great Beyond so they can procure the Founding Fathers, who in turn, would “restore” America to its former, 1776-ish greatness. However, the Founding Fathers are soon revealed to be adamantly opposed to everything the Libertarian Party believes in, with John Dickinson stating that a full ban on semi-automatic weaponry is a good idea and Rufus King declaring the Affordable Care Act to be a “fine, jolly way of showing [King] George the old cherry-oh.” Seeing that their supernatural coup isn’t going to happen, the Koch Brothers enlist a who’s who of anti-statist ideologues to seek down and stamp out every single Founding Father transported to the 21st Century. In one scene, John Stossel shoots Benjamin Franklin while he freebases cocaine amidst a mountain of Taco Bell wrappers, and in another sequence, Rand Paul lures Thomas Jefferson to a shady alley by pretending to be Quvenzhane Wallis on the Internet, subsequently pummeling him to death with a tire wrench. George Washington, the last surviving Father, ends up using DARPA technology to transform the Statue of Liberty into a walking Mech warrior, until he is finally bested by a platoon of right wingers sporting jet packs and laser weaponry.

Dream Cast? Rutger Hauer as Peter Schiff, Edward Furlong as John Quincy Adams and Alex Jones reconstructed out of CGI by the same guys that did the visual effects on “Life of Pi.”

Preferred Director: The guy that directed “Canadian Bacon.”

A snippet from the hypothetical Rogerebert.com Zero Star Review of the Film: “The overtones of the film are dreadfully fascist, racist, and racist and fascist at the same time. If the producers of the film were aiming for comedy, the end dividend as about as funny as slavery. Slavery, by the way, was not funny, and it was also racist. And fascist.”

Nineteen Seventy-FUN!

"No smart phones, no Internet...no reason to live, really."

Genre: Comedy

The Premise: A bored 17-year-old in suburban Wisconsin spends his days posting messages on Reddit and YouTube about how much better music was in the 1970s, and how today’s high-tech culture has drained life of its intrinsic charms. After trolling a gypsy on Buzzfeed, the teen finds himself magically transported to the year 1971, which, much to his surprise, is kinda’ different than what he expected.

Tagline: “It’s the Past…But It’s His Ass.”

So, Basically, It’s Kind of Like: “Back to the Future” meets “Peggy Sue Got Married” meets “We Need to Talk About Kevin.”

The Plot: Bud Highsmith loves Led Zeppelin, the Beatles and smoking marijuana, and he continuously fantasized about how awesome it must’ve been to be a teenager in the early 1970s. One morning, he awakens and realizes he’s now in the shoes of a nameless 17-year-old during the Nixon Administration. At first exuberant about the transformation, Bud slowly begins to learn that the “good old days” weren’t really all that good, noting that there’s only three channels on TV and people are actually expected to PAY to hear music. Much to his chagrin, everybody in town loves The Bay City Rollers but thinks Pink Floyd are, and I quote “for queers,” and upon chiding a jock for his homophobic statement, Bud is severely gang beaten by every one in the school. With no car and no record shops in town, he’s forced to smoke rat weed and listen to staticky AM radio, and on day two, he gets drafted to fight in Vietnam. Calling the war “immoral bullshit,” his family take turns beating him mercilessly, accusing him of being, and I quote, “a communist Homo.” His attempts to start an atheist club at school only makes him less popular, and results in yet another savage beating, this time at the hands of a deranged woodshop teacher who lost an eye and an arm “for Jesus and Uncle Sam” in Iwo Jima. After 72 hours without Wi-Fi or a smart phone, Bud commits suicide by eating a Pet Rock.

Dream Cast?  Michael Cera as Bud Highsmith, Billy Bob Thornton as Mr. Creech, the sadistic gym coach, and Alice Cooper as a guy walking down the street, who you’re not supposed to recognize as Alice Cooper.

Preferred Director: Claudio Fragasso.

A snippet from the hypothetical Rogerebert.com Zero Star Review of the Film:Not only is this alleged ‘comedy’ racist and fascist, it’s also homophobic and misogynistic. The makers of the film are surely racist, fascist, homophobic and misogynistic themselves, and not simply making a film commenting on the historical realities of popular U.S. culture in years prior. No, not at all -- those racist fascist gay and woman haters.

The Last Racist on Planet Earth

"The last of his breed...whom hates all the other breeds."

Genre: Romantic Comedy / Post-Apocalyptic Drama

The Premise: Chip Woodley, 57, is a man that sorely misses what “America used to be.” A grumpy office drone, he spends his off-hours drinking at the local watering hole, where he makes numerous off-handed remarks about how people of various ethnicities are ruining the country. One afternoon, he crashes his 1998 Taurus into a tanker of cryogenic liquid, effectively freezing himself in time. He awakens in the year 2300, and to his horror, discovers that the U.S. of A has now turned into a multicultural, multilingual and multiracial socialist utopia, which he becomes hell-bent on dismantling.

So Basically, It’s Kind of Like:  Imagine “Idiocracy” with the guy from “Gran Torino,” with more than dash of “Westworld” thrown into the cake batter.

Tagline: “Something BIG(otted) is Heading Their Way!”

The Plot: A man opposed to change in all regards, Woodley spends most of his days stewing in his own hatred of all things non Caucasian. After a freak accident leaves him in suspended animation, he awakens 300 years into the future, only to find that America is now a 100 percent multi-cultural, liberal progressive wonderland where everyone is tan-colored and the national language is a weird amalgamation of Spanish, Ebonics and hashtags. Eventually, he’s captured by NIH scientists, who believe that the fabled “man of white skin” was just a fairy tail spoken by elders, like Christianity and gun ownership. Eventually, he’s freed from  captivity by a rogue band of neo-Nazis, who have been living underneath Nashville since the end of the Second American Civil War. Woodley begins a love affair with Scuzz Buckett, a somewhat attractive skinhead punkette who enjoyed the same nationalist music he did back in the 80s. In the grand finale of the film, the ragtag group of supremacists siege a fruitless assault on Mount Rushmore (now featuring the faces of the founders of PETA, the ACLU, Planned Parenthood and ACORN), succumbing one by one to an onslaught by the People’s Correctional (PC) Police. As Woodley lay dying, Scuzz Buckett reveals she was actually a double agent for the PC, unzipping her flesh suit to reveal  the glistening metallic skin of a male-to-female Puerto Rican transsexual-android. With his dying gasp, Woodley turns to the audience, and with one final thrust, ends the film by saying “…well, it was still all right, I guess.”

Dream Cast? Mel Gibson as Chip Woodley, Christina Aguilera as Scuzz Buckett and Selena Gomez as Unogyahsgv#2235, a “multi-person” that Woodley attempts to sell into a trafficking ring.

Preferred Director: Clint Eastwood.

A snippet from the hypothetical Rogerebert.com Zero Star Review of the Film: “…this vile, confrontational piece of garbage is the most reprehensible film made since ‘Farewell Uncle Tom.’ It’s mere existence constitutes a hate crime, and the producers should be charged with incitement. I am all for free speech, but this film is not art…it’s the dangerous propaganda, of dangerous people. And it’s also fascist.”

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