Sunday, November 10, 2013

My LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 10's Raiders vs. Giants Game


12:23 PM EST -- Well, here we are at the midway point of the season, and the Raiders have a very Raiders-esque 3-5 record at the moment. Seeing as how their next two opponents foster among the lowest points for/points allowed differentials in the League, there's at least a sliver of a hope that Oakland can be .500 by the time Thanksgiving gets here.

12:27 PM EST -- Considering how awful the AFC is this year, the Raiders actually DO have something of an outside shot at taking the Conference's sixth and final playoff spot. Of course, that also means the Raiders have to win -- at the bare minimum -- at least five out of the next eight games to even think about playing in January.

12:29 PM EST -- So far, the story of the year for the Raiders has been Terrelle Pryor's fluctuating awesome/shitty play at QB. The secondary story, I suppose, would be the Raiders "improved" defense, but seeing as how Nick Foles just dropped seven TDs on the team last week...uh, wanna' talk about Pryor's inconsistency some more?

12:33 PM EST -- Heading into today's game against the Giants, the major positive is that the G-Men have been pretty lackluster at home (just 1-2 thus far.) The major negative? The Raiders have YET to win an away game this season. An irresistible force meets an immovable object, indeed.

12:36 PM EST -- Major LOL material here: the bar I'm calling this game from is in the metro Atlanta area. It's also a haunt for Vikings fans. With about thirty minutes to go until the early games kick off, this place is basically a ghost town.

12:40 PM EST -- Both DMC and Criner are out for today's match-up. The Giants, on the other hand, look like they'll have all of their first-stringers playing this afternoon

12:42 PM EST -- You know we're living in Obama's America when the biggest storyline in the National Football League is about the ills of bullying. Jay Glazer is to sports journalism what Diane Sawyer is to normal journalism.

12:48 PM EST -- Just so you know: Michael Strahan misses his teammates making fun of his teeth.

12:49 PM EST -- I still wish Howie Long was my dad a lot of times. And "serious about contemporary social issues" Terry Bradshaw makes for some good television, no doubt.

12:54 PM EST -- As always, we get the shittiest TV set in the house to screen the Raiders game. I really wouldn't have it any other way, of course.

12:56 PM EST -- Home Depot's advice for the Raiders this afternoon? "You Gotta' Believe." Looks like somebody's been playing some PaRappa lately...

12:58 PM EST -- Con? Manning has tossed twice as many touchdowns this season as Pryor. Pro? Manning has also thrown three times as many INTs as Pryor's chunked TDs.

1:02 PM EST -- Tom Coughlin is the oldest coach in the League. Dennis Allen is the youngest. Imagine that.

1:03 PM EST -- Giants receive first. FORCED FUMBLE AND THE RAIDERS RECOVER ! Oakland starts at the Giants' five!

1:04 PM EST -- Second and goal. TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

1:05 PM EST -- Pryor walks it in for an easy six. Fourteen minutes to go in the first, and the Raiders have an improbable 7-0 lead.

1:07 PM EST -- And Eli starts at his own 20. High throw, and no dice.

1:08 PM EST -- Second and 10. Seven yard run, third and three coming up.

1:09 PM EST -- And Eli gets sacked! Three and out for the Giants, and the Raiders are set to receive once more.

1:12 PM EST -- Pryor with a rollout and a major pickup down the middle for a new set of downs.

1:13 PM EST -- And Pryor with ANOTHER run for a first down.

1:14 PM EST -- Ten yard penalty, and the Raiders are set back 20.  Third and fifteen coming up.

1:16 PM EST -- Push pass is no good, and the Raiders look like they'll have to punt.

1:17 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN GIANTS.

1:18 PM EST -- A blocked punt, and the Giants ramble in for a facile TD. So, yeah, it's going to be one of those games, it appears...

1:20 PM EST -- Jennings with a seven yard run on first down. Jennings with another pitch and he picks up a new set of downs.

1:22 PM EST -- False start on the Raiders. Makes it a two and 15 now.

1:25 PM EST -- 3 and 15. Not enough for the first down.

1:26 PM EST -- Don't mess this up, Marquette...

1:27 PM EST -- And the Giants will begin within their own 10. Total yardage count thus far? Raiders 57, Giants just two.

1:28 PM EST -- Second and two for the Giants. And they easily rush for another first down.

1:30 PM EST -- And Eli eats dirt AGAIN! A third and 20 coming up for the Giants now.

1:31 PM EST -- AND THE RAIDERS FORCE ANOTHER TURNOVER! Terrelle and the boys will be starting within the G-Men's own red zone.

1:32 PM EST -- Rashad Jennings with an eight yard run on second down.

1:35 PM EST -- Illegal formation penalty on the Raiders declined. Oakland looks for a field goal on fourth down, and they get it. 10-7 Raiders with about two minutes left in the first quarter.

1:39 PM EST -- Total yardage estimates: Raiders, 63, Giants, 7. Third and one situation for New York.

1:40 PM EST -- And the Giants convert.

1:42 PM EST -- And a third and nine for the Giants now. And Eli throws it to an invisible giant at the midfield logo, and it is time for the G-Men to punt.

1:44 PM EST -- Raiders will start at their own 35. And the first quarter comes to a close, just as soon as a dude wearing a Justin Tuck jersey and a Yankees hat sits down at the table in front of me.

1:46 PM EST -- RASHAD JENNINGS IS A DAMN BEAST TODAY! A nine yard pick-up right down the middle.

1:48 PM EST -- And the Raiders fail to convert on third down. The giants will begin from within their own 10.

1:52 PM EST -- Eli to Cruz for about a 14 yard gain. And another first down for the Giants.

1:53 PM EST -- The Giants have put up more yards on the last three drives than they've put up all day. And that's not a joke, folks.

1:54 PM EST -- And holy shit, you will NOT believe how annoying the Giants' fan's laugh is. It sounds like Scooby Doo being tickled.

1:55 PM EST -- Giants in the red zone now. Second and five coming up. And now it's third and 4.

1:56 PM EST -- And an offsides call gives the Giants a new set of downs. God. Damn. IT.

1:58 PM EST -- Third and three for the Giants. Five yards away, give or take, from a touchdown.

1:59 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN GIANTS. 

2:00 PM EST -- 14-10, New York. after a five yard Randle reception. Giants have 105 total yards, while the Raiders have just 72.

2:02 PM EST -- Taiwan Jones with a 41 yard return, as the rain doth begin pouring in New Jersey.

2:05 PM EST -- Raiders with a second and 2 at midfield, and they easily convert. And Pryor scrambles for another 10 yard gain.

2:06 PM EST -- And an intentional grounding call on Pryor puts the Raiders back THIRTY. Third and 30 coming up. And Jennings with enough on third down...but fuck it, there's a holding call on Oakland. THIRD AND FORTY.

2:09 PM EST -- Nothing working on that play, so here comes Marquette to punt it away.

2:10 PM EST -- And the Giants will be starting within their own five.

2:13 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders run defense looks mildly improved...

2:17 PM EST -- Third and 11 for the Giants. And to hell with the world, because they end up converting.

2:18 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS!

2:18 PM EST -- Tracy Porter with a 43 yard INT return! Raiders now lead 17-14.

2:23 PM EST -- And Eli gets sacked again. Well, at least the Raiders get to beat up A Manning at some point this year...

2:24 PM EST -- About twenty seconds left in the half. And the Giants run it out.

2:25 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders defense has REALLY been the star of this show this far, while Terrelle Pryor's frustrating passing continues to plague the Oakland offense. Rashad Jennings has impressed so far, but once again....it's the "D" that's really kept them in this game.

2:27 PM EST -- And today's WTF score:the Rams are shutting out the Colts 28-0, and believe it or not, the JAGUARS ARE ACTUALLY LEADING A GAME HEADING INTO HALFTIME.

2:29 PM EST -- Elsewhere in the league: the Seahawks are having their way with the Falcons, the Lions have a slight lead over the Bears and a resurgent Eagles squadron is leading the Packers, 10-0.

2:38 PM EST -- Raiders set to receive as the third quarter begins. All 17 Raiders points today have stemmed from turnovers.

2:39 PM EST -- Dart to Marcel Reece for about nine yards. Jennings with enough for a first on a one yard run.

2:41 PM EST -- Third and two coming up for Oakland. And Jennings with a big run up the gut for a gain of nearly 20.

2:43 PM EST -- Another 3rd and two for the Raiders. Pryor scrambles and he BOMBS IT to Moore for a gargantuan 23 yard pickup!

2:45 PM EST -- And an offsides call on the Giants gives the Raiders three free yards.

2:46 PM EST -- Jennings takes it to nearly the Giants' one yard line. And the Raiders have four shots at pay dirt, too.

2:47 PM EST -- Second and goal. Moore drops a TD pass, and that brings us to third down.

2:48 PM EST -- False start on Khalif Barnes. Good job, you fat shmuck, you.

2:50 PM EST -- Fourth and goal. Raiders line up for the FG. 20-14 Raiders after Sea-bass plunks it in. Total yardage estimates: 173 for OAK, 154 for NYG.

2:54 PM EST -- The Giants will begin their next drive at their own 20. Third and nine coming up.

2:55 PM EST -- And the Raiders force the Giants to punt. And the Raiders will begin their next drive already in Giants' territory.

2:59 PM EST -- And Reece with another fat run up the gut. A new set of downs for Oakland.

3:00 PM EST -- Second and 13 for the Raiders. Third and nine now.

3:01 PM EST -- Giants INT, but it appears as if the defenseman fumbled at the Raiders 8. Just fuck my life, all over.

3:06 PM EST -- Giants with a first and goal now. Second and goal. And a pass interference call. Of course.

3:07 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN GIANTS.S

3:08 PM EST -- 21-20 NYG lead after a one yard Andre Brown TD run.

3:11 PM EST -- And the Raiders start their next drive at their own 30. Unless Pryor plans on running, he better not do shit with that chunk of leather the center gives him.

3:12  PM EST -- And a holding call sets the Raiders back 14 yards. Good job, you assholes, the whole lot of you.

3:13 PM EST -- Rashad with a solid outside run that puts the Raiders at a third and 2. And jack shit comes out of it. Time for the Raiders to punt.

3:15 PM EST -- Fourth quarter begins. A one point ball game with 15 minutes left in regulation.

3:18 PM EST -- Andre Brown gets SPLATTERED for a four yard loss. Eli lobs it to the 45 on second down, however.

3:20 PM EST -- Third and five coming up. And the Giants convert.

3:21 PM EST -- Third and one. Raiders need a stop here in the worst possible way.

3:22 PM EST -- Of course they convert. YOU KNEW they would wind up converting.

3:23 PM EST -- And the Giants are within the Raiders' 10. F. M. L.

3:24 PM EST -- Third and goal for NYG. Manning underthrows, and the Giants will have to settle for a field goal attempt. That means the Raiders...theoretically...are still in this one.

3:25 PM EST -- 24-20, Giants. About eight minutes left in the 4th, and the Raiders are set to take over on offense. Pryor hasn't done shit in terms of a passing game, and they NEED a TD to secure this one.

3:30 PM EST -- Second and 10. Absolutely nothing. Third and about eight coming up.

3:31 PM EST -- And Pryor eats his own shit, as expected. God, I hate football so much, I want to abuse it regularly.

3:32 PM EST -- And the Giants start at midfield. I am upset, and I am also angry.

3:34 PM EST -- GOD MADE HEAVEN. SATAN MADE THE NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.

3:36 PM EST -- Third and five coming up for the Giants. And Eli gets steamrolled on a Raiders blitz. And like that, the Raiders get yet another opportunity to not win this game on offense.

3:37 PM EST -- A blocked punt, and the Raiders have five minutes and half a football field to go. How tragically can they lose this one, you think?

3:39 PM EST -- And Pryor already gets stopped behind the line of scrimmage.

3: 41 PM EST -- And Moore with a first down. Jennings with no gain afterwards.

3:42 PM EST -- And a third and ten approaching. And Pryor fumbles. Hell, damn, and shit combined.

3:43 PM EST -- #STARTWHOEVERISBEHINDTERRELLEPRYORONTHEDEPTHCHARTS

3:44 PM EST -- Three minutes to go. Nothing good I can say about anything right about now.

3:47 PM EST -- Third and five for the Giants. And that gives the Giants a first down, and presumably, the ball game.

3:50 PM EST -- Well, at least I have the rest of my afternoon to stew in my own hatreds. Thank you, Reggie McKenzie, for the gift that keeps on a givin'.

3:51 PM EST -- And Eli takes a knee. Congratulations to the Raiders' special teams, which basically gift-bagged the Giants a 3-6 record. And as far as Terrelle Pryor is concerned...I curse your name, and regularly.

3:52 PM EST -- And that's the final whistle. Final Score? Giants 24, Raiders 20.

3:53 PM EST -- I hate football, with a passion.

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