Sunday, December 8, 2013

My LIVE(ish) Recap of Week 14's Raiders vs. Jets Game

12:36 PM EST -- Are you ready for some (totally inconsequential) FOOTBALL? Well, good, because today's match-up means precisely the following; Jack, and shit.

12:37 PM EST -- The Fox crew is doing a tribute to Nelson Mandela, a man who did absolutely nothing but positive things throughout his lifetime for the whole of humanity. He shall be sorely missed, especially in his home country, where living standards have improved dramatically since his presidency

12:41 PM EST -- Since the local sports bar is a Falcons and Vikings joint, perhaps its not surprising that the place is virtually empty. If anything, that doubly proves my loyalty to the Raiders -- if I'm willing to spend an afternoon watching a lackluster 4-8 squad do battle with a team whose points for/points against differential is 31st in the League, you KNOW I'm among the die hard. And also, possibly the retarded.

12:47 PM EST -- Just so you know; the Raiders have lost FIVE games this season in which they were leading at halftime. That's because Al Davis did something to piss off God, and royally.

12:48 PM EST -- Matt McGloin will be our starter for the Raiders, while Geno Smith will command the Jets, who despite their 5-7 record, are still in playoff contention, somehow.

12:55 PM EST -- And because life isn't trying enough; DMC, Rashad Jennings and Jeremy Stewart are ALL deactivated this afternoon. That means our go-to-guy in the backfield will be Marcel Reese, while Taiwan Jones (yes, Taiwan Jones, the CORNERBACK) will be the number two HB. 

1:03 PM EST -- Jets with the ball first. And New York is having no problems at all getting the ground game established early on.

1:04 PM EST -- Santanio Holmes with a huge pickup, and the Jets are already within field goal range.

1:07 PM EST -- Third and five situation. The Raiders' D puts pressure on Geno, and an endzone strike falls short. The field goal unit comes out, and it's 3-0 Jets early in the first.

1:11 PM EST -- And the Raiders will start their first offensive putsch from about their own 20. And Reece with a solid run up the gut on first down.

1:12 PM EST -- A surgical strike from McGloin to Reece gives Oakland a pick up of around twenty. Maybe even thirty, at first glance.

1:13 PM EST -- Well...McGloin ain't no Terrell Pryor when it comes to scrambling, that's for damned sure. A third and long coming up.

1:14 PM EST -- And nothing going on that drive. Here comes the Raiders' punting unit. The Jets will start their next possession at their own 20. 

1:17 PM EST -- The Raiders aren't doing a very good job of stopping the rushing or the passing game at this point. The Swiss cheese D-line rears its head again, I suppose...

1:18 PM EST -- And Woodson ALMOST has the INT. Jeez, when a dude that close to retirement is your shining beacon on defense, you KNOW you're a franchise in trouble.

1:19 PM EST -- So, of course, as soon as I type that, Kevin Burnett gets an ACTUAL interception. Well, of course he would.

1:21 PM EST -- Third down approaches. And nothing. Out comes Sea-bass. And of course, he schtoinks it. 3-0 Jets it doth remain.

1:24 PM EST -- Kellen Winslow with a crazy catch for a huge pickup. The Jets are once again well withing FG range.


1:26 PM EST -- Jeremy Kerely with a 25 yard reception, which gives Geno his first passing TD since week 7. 10-0, New York.

1:28 PM EST -- Raiders starting at about their own 20. 

1:30 PM EST -- Just so you know: Fat Amy from "Pitch Perfect" has officially replaced Adele as my numero uno celebrity crush. Come on, you know you would, too.


1:34 PM EST --  Third and five. Well, the pass is good for a first down, but there is a flag on the play. The Raiders turn down the Jets offsides call, and it's a first and ten for Oakland.

1:35 PM EST -- Hilarious/brutally honest error time: the closed captioning text just referred to the Raiders' QB as "Terrible Pryor." 

1:39 PM EST -- Another penalty on the Jets, and the Raiders get a first and five opportunity. And Reece with more than enough for the pick-up.

1:41 PM EST -- And Reece with another solid run, almost picking up another set of downs on the play. And a one-yard follow-up gives the Raiders a first down in the Jets' red zone.

1:43 PM EST -- And Pryor gets dropped in the backfield for a major loss on second down. Looks like some ungodly pass interference on what would have been a TD pass. But of course, that means its an illegal formation call on Oakland. Of course it would be.

1:44 PM EST -- Sea-bass out, and it's 10-3 Jets. 

1:48 PM EST -- Second and 14 for the Jets. It's going to be short by about five or six yards.

1:49 PM EST -- And the Jets convert. Smith has to scramble on first down, but he doesn't get very far.

1:50 PM EST -- Third and seven. And Winslow with enough for the new set of downs.

1:51 PM EST -- A busted play will put the Jets back five yards. A real break for the Raiders there. AND GENO GETS SACKED!

1:52 PM EST -- Third and 24 for New York. A decent pick-up, but definitely not enough for the first down. And on the sidelines, McGloin is warming up his throwing arm...

1:55 PM EST -- And the Raiders will be starting this drive at what appears to be their own first centimeter.

1:57 PM EST -- Third and eight. AND MCGLOIN IS PICKED OFF BY ED REED! 

1:58 PM EST -- This may very well be the worst performance I've seen the Raiders turn in all season. And trust me -- that is saying something.

1:59 PM EST -- Well, at least Oakland is at least TRYING to put some pressure on Geno, I suppose.

2:00 PM EST -- And a miracle no-catch means the Jets will have to settle for a field goal. 13-3, Jets.

2:03 PM EST -- Less than five minutes left in the first half. McGloin will be our QB for the next possession.

2:07 PM EST -- Holding call on the Raiders. That makes it second and 17. Which brings us to a third and 17...

2:08 PM EST -- And nothing on fourth down. And a blocked punt gives the Jets another six points. Hooray for porous special team units!

2:10 PM EST -- 20-3, Jets. Burn this franchise to the ground, and make it snappy.

2:11 PM EST -- And a miscue on kickoff almost leads the Raiders to giving up ANOTHER TD. 

2:14 PM EST -- Third and eight. And nothin'. 

2:15 PM EST -- Being a Raiders fan is the football equivalent of raising a special needs child. So much work, so much extra involvement, and so little expectations at the end of the day. This, my friends, is what true fatherly love looks like.

2:17 PM EST -- Two minutes left in the half. The Jets have a two touchdown lead, plus a field goal for good measure. 

2:19 PM EST -- And the Jets are just going to ride this one out until halftime. 

2:20 PM EST -- As far as a short list of things the Raiders have done right today: nothing. 

2:21 PM EST -- Halftime yardage estimates? Jets, 173, Raiders, 138. 

2:23 PM EST -- So, uh, whose behind Matt McGloin on the depth chart now? 

2:36 PM EST -- And so I tune out of the game for five minutes, and Marcel Reece goes beast mode for a 63-yard touchdown run. As expected. 20-10, Jets.

2:38 PM EST -- ...why exactly would you build an open air stadium in New Jersey, anyway? Just wondering. 

2:40 PM EST -- And Winslow with another impressive reception. The Jets get a new set of downs, and at least four more shots at extending their lead over Oakland.

2:44 PM EST -- Second and four for New York. And the Raiders D blitzes.Third down approaches.

2:45 PM EST -- And Geno scrambles for a new set of downs. But there's a flag on the play -- an unnecessary roughness call on Lamar Houston gives the Jets and extra 15 yards. 

2:48 PM EST -- Second and goal for the Jets. And Geno rushes for another TD. 

2:49 PM EST -- 27-10, Jets. This is the sound of a professional sports team dying. 

2:52 PM EST -- Nine minutes left in the third quarter. Awesome...another 24 minutes to watch all my dreams die before my very eyes. 

2:53 PM EST -- At this point, do you think the Raiders should Lay Downey for Clowney, or Get Slaughtered for Bridgewater? 

2:54 PM EST -- It's amazing to think...just 14 weeks ago, I actually believed in that thing some call "hope." I was a fool, folks. A goddamned fool for ever believing. 


2:58 PM EST -- McGloin catches the Jets defense sleeping, and zonks a 48-yard touchdown pass to Rod Streater. 27-17, Jets. 

2:59 PM EST -- Believe it or not...believe it or friggin' not...the Raiders are STILL in playoff contention. Of course, if they drop this game, they're eliminated by default; with that in mind, how tragic do you think they can make this one, folks?

3:03 PM EST -- Powell with more than enough for a new set of downs for the Jets. But he doesn't go anywhere on first down. 

3:05 PM EST -- AND GENO GETS DROPPED FOR A LOSS! Third down coming up. And Oakland takes a time out because, a good goddamn, does Dennis Allen know how to manage the clock.

3:07 PM EST -- And Powell blazes through the Raiders' D. The sad thing is, this really is a vastly improved rush defense, too.

3:09 PM EST -- Third and nine for the Jets. And the Jets, miraculously, can't reel it in. New York is forced to attempt a field goal. And it's good. 

3:10 PM EST -- 30-17, Jets. 

3:13 PM EST -- Reece with a ten yard pick-up. But he gets dropped for a loss on first down.

3:14 PM EST -- Third and eight for Oakland. And a pass to Andre Homes is good for a first down. 

3:17 PM EST -- And McGloin does his best Pryor impersonation and, inconceivably, scrambles for nearly 20 yards. 

3:19 PM EST -- Third and five. No dice on a lob to the endzone. And a Sea-bass field goal makes this one a 10 point game. 30-20 Jets, with about 13 minutes left in the game. 

3:22 PM EST -- And the Jets start their next drive around their own 25.

3:24 PM EST -- Powell with no gain. Looks like New York will be facing a third and four situation. 

3:26 PM EST -- And the Jets convert. They face another third down. 

3:27 PM EST -- And Geno breaks one out, all the way to the Raiders' 15 yard line. F. M. L. 

3:28 PM EST -- Offsides on the Raiders, but you probably already knew that. 


3:30 PM EST -- 37-20, Jets. Nine minutes left in the game, no minutes of any real relevance left in the Raiders season. 

3:34 PM EST -- So, yeah, I'd consider 2013 to be a pretty shitty year. Quite shitty, to say the least.

3:35 PM EST -- Streater with a nice catch, but really...there's nothing to be optimistic about here. You'd think after ten years, I would've learned my lesson by now...

3:37 PM EST -- Watching this game is like watching the man who killed your father marry your long lost lover. In fact, that's what being an Oakland Raiders fan is like, in general. 

3:39 PM EST -- Pass interference call on the Jets gives the Raiders a couple of extra yards on a failed fourth down conversion. 

3:40 PM EST -- Well, if the Raiders can manage to lose this game by just single digits, I suppose that's some sort of consolation, I guess.

3:45 PM EST -- A fourth and goal situation for Oakland. And they convert. Yay.

3:47 PM EST -- And another fourth and goal coming up for the Raiders. And Rivera gets a TD on a fake hand off. 37-27, Jets. 

3:49 PM EST -- Do you think if they move the Raiders to London, they'll start playing better? 

3:50 PM EST -- And Oakland shits the bed on an onside kick.  But at least the Jets get hit with a false start penalty, I guess.

3:52 PM EST -- So this one guy came into the bar around halftime, wearing a Jets shirt. At first, I thought he looked like Joe Nameth. Then, he started talking about drunk driving, and shit, now I'm starting to wonder if that really is Broadway Joe in front of me.

3:55 PM EST -- Less than a minutes left in the game. Raiders down by ten. Raiders fans, down by life, no doubt. 

3:57 PM EST -- And McGloin, ever one to home in on a symbolic finale, gets sacked to conclude this one, the Raiders' season, and quite possible the part of my life that ever believed in joy. 

4:00 PM EST -- The final score in East Ruherford? Jets, 37, Raiders, 27.

4:01 PM EST -- I hate football...with a passion


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