Monday, May 19, 2014

100 Signs You Might Be a Libertarian...

Suspect you or someone you love may have an-cap tendencies? Here are 100 sure-fire symptoms of that most-dreaded malady, libertarianism. 




001.) If on your Facebook profile, you literally list “the private sector” as your employer…you might be a Libertarian.

002.) If your high school yearbook quote contained the word “serfdom” in it…you might be a Libertarian.

003.) If you consider yourself a member of the “capital class” even though you work part-time at Starbucks…you might be a Libertarian.

004.) If you’d like to legalize drugs for your own recreational use but prevent poor people who also do from receiving welfare benefits…you might be a Libertarian.

005.) If you constantly criticize the poor for seeking handouts when you’re 30 years old and still live with your parents…you might be a Libertarian.

006.) If somewhere in your home there’s a framed picture of a gun…you might be a Libertarian.

007.) If you actually thought “Bioshock” was an ENDORSEMENT of Ayn Rand’s teachings…you might be a Libertarian.

008.) If you mock theists for believing in an intangible super-being, yet talk about “the market” as if it’s an all-powerful force of nature…you might be a Libertarian.

009.) If your most frequently used word on a daily basis is “coercion”…you might be a Libertarian.

010.) If half of your home equity is in Rush albums…you might be a Libertarian.

011.) If you think “They Live” is a documentary…you might be a Libertarian.

012.) If you’ve ever tried to buy a Pepsi with Bitcoin…you might be a Libertarian.

013.) If you’ve ever compared seatbelt laws to the Holocaust…you might be a Libertarian.

014.) If you’ve ever had a Mencken quote iced onto a birthday cake…you might be a Libertarian.

015.) If at any point in your life, you’ve screamed the phrase “states’ rights!” at the top of your lungs…you might be a Libertarian.

016.) If you consider trick or treating  a form of “wealth redistribution”…you might be a Libertarian.

017.) If you’ve ever referred to the United States Postal Service as "Leviathan"…you might be a Libertarian.

018.) If you’ve ever tried to declare your swimming pool a “free state”….you might be a Libertarian.

019.) If your idea of “fighting the system” is smoking weed and posting image macros on Reddit…you might be a Libertarian.

020.) If you’ve ever worn a bow tie, a fedora and a My Little Pony shirt to a public meeting…you might be a Libertarian.

021.) If you think people should have the legal right to marry anime body pillows…you might be a Libertarian.

022.) If it any point in your life, you’ve tried to “de-fluoride” something…you might be a Libertarian.

023.) If you think it’s OK for corporations to do all of the illegal shit you constantly criticize the government for doing…you might be a Libertarian.

If you practically worship an irrelevant politician who suspiciously looks a lot like Magneto...you might be a Libertarian. 

024.) If you tend to forget that the Gilded Age was ushered in due to government investments in railways…you might be a Libertarian.

025.) Similarly, if you tend to leave out the G.I. Bill and the Interstate Highway System when discussing the Golden Era of Capitalism…you might be a Libertarian.

026.) Furthermore, if you spend all day complaining about government intrusion on an information system financed by the government itself…you might be a Libertarian.

027.) If you’re still waiting for a human female to join your on-campus club…you might be a Libertarian.

028.) If you’re completely unaware that most of your Mega-Capitalist heroes would consider you an insignificant piece of shit…you might be a Libertarian.

029.) If you listen to “Fuck The Police” and think it’s about getting traffic tickets…you might be a Libertarian.

030.) If you hate FDR more than you hate Hitler…you might be a Libertarian.

031.) If you use the term “Fabian socialist” because you’re too much of a pussy to call the President the n-word…you might be a Libertarian.

032.) If you consider college football an endorsement of statism…you might be a Libertarian.

033.) If you’ve ever wondered what “physical labor” might look like…you might be a Libertarian.

034.) If you’re unaware of the hypocrisy of quoting maxims about freedom from a man who raped slaves…you might be a Libertarian.

035.) If you know what’s best for poor people even though you’ve always lived in a gated community…you might be a Libertarian.

036.) If you think poverty is a “lifestyle choice”…you might be a Libertarian.

037.) If you SWEAR you’re not a Republican, even though your political ideology lines up perfectly with theirs…you might be a Libertarian.

038.) If your idea of police brutality is a parking citation…you might be a Libertarian.

039.) If you’re deathly afraid of the NSA stealing your data but don’t care when Google and Facebook  sells it without your permission…you might be a Libertarian.

040.) If you think waiting in line at the DMV makes you a political prisoner…you might be a Libertarian.

If your moral inspiration is a woman who referred to a child murderer as a "Superman," thought the Native American genocide was a favorable step forward for civilization and was too stupid to take heed to Surgeon General warnings...you might be a Libertarian. 

041.) If you’ve ever worn a Guy Fawkes mask in more than one YouTube video…you might be a Libertarian.

042.) If you’ve ever cried because you thought the mainstream media never gave Ron Paul a fair shot…you might be a Libertarian.

043.) Along those same lines, if you don’t think the fact that Ron Paul never won a single primary or caucus in three unsuccessful bids for the presidency is a valid reason as to WHY no one gave a shit about him in the first place…you might be a Libertarian.

044.) And lastly, if you think getting 112 votes to an also-ran’s 102 votes constitutes a “global revolution”…you might be a Libertarian.

045.) If you’ve ever tried to put a double eagle inside a vending machine…you might be a Libertarian.

046.) If you think legalizing marijuana will save the U.S. from an economic recession…you might be a Libertarian.

047.) If you’re in favor of legalizing prostitution because, secretly, you know that’s the only way you’ll ever get laid…you might be a Libertarian.

048.) If you’ve tried to 3D print your own sex doll…you might be a Libertarian.

049.) If you look at footage of Civil Rights era sit-ins and the business owners are the ones you feel sorry for…you might be a Libertarian.

050.) If you simultaneously vaunt raw milk AND think big government shouldn’t regulate genetically-modified organisms…you might be a Libertarian.

051.) If you think your definition of “freedom” is the only kind that exists and all other forms are just various forms of fascism…you might be a Libertarian.

052.) If you think the kids at Sandy Hook should have had concealed weapons permits to defend themselves…you might be a Libertarian.

053.) If you’ve ever tried to buy a rocket launcher online…you might be a Libertarian.

054.) If you think it’s OK as long as the kid likes it, too…you might be a Libertarian.

055.) If you secretly want Big Brother to spy on you, just so the Feds can marvel at how many gigs of hentai you have on your hard drive…you might be a Libertarian.

056.) If you refer to vaccinations as “government handouts”…you might be a Libertarian.

057.) If you think the only reason government exists is to provide a military, police and a judicial system, yet all you ever do is complain about the military, police and judicial system…you might be a Libertarian.

058.) If you’re all for free speech, as long as it doesn’t hurt private enterprises…you might be a Libertarian.

059.) If you’ve ever cited Prison Planet in a college-level essay…you might be a Libertarian.

060.) If you’ve ever fired shots at Jehovah’s Witnesses for “breaching your security parameter"… you might be a Libertarian.

061.) If you voted for Mitt Romney anyway…you might be a Libertarian.

062.) If you think people just need to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, even when they don’t have boots…you might be a Libertarian.

063.) If you think opposition to the estate tax is a central tenet of anarchism…you might be a Libertarian.

064.) If you’ve never really thought about the natural rights of Native Americans…you might be a Libertarian.

If you lost your life savings by investing in an unregulated cryptocurrency, but still find a way to blame the government for it...you might be a Libertarian. (Thanks to some guy named Zach Copley for the diagram.)

065.) If you think poor Appalachians should be thankful to live atop toxic dumps…you might be a Libertarian.

066.) If you think “The Lego Movie” is a celebration of Marxism…you might be a Libertarian.

067.) If you think it’s OK for John Stossel to be an egotistical, lying asshole but think the exact same qualities makes Michael Moore the devil incarnate…you might be a Libertarian.

068.) If you think the only morally contemptible thing about slavery was that they didn’t get paid…you might be a Libertarian.

069.) If you explicitly demand having an Asian wife some day…you might be a Libertarian.

070.) If you refer to masturbation as "exercising man's natural right"...you might be a Libertarian.

071.) If you list "foreign policy" as a skill on your LinkedIn profile...you might be a Libertarian.

072.) If you think it's possible to be a hardcore punk and a Reaganite at the same time...you might be a Libertarian.

073.) If you read the Wall Street Journal, just so you can lie about having stock investments to your friends later...you might be a Libertarian.

074.) If the largest rally you've ever attended was held at a gas station....you might be a Libertarian.

075.) If you've actually asked a retailer if they had Gadsden flags in stock...you might be a Libertarian.

076.) If you think businesses would have naturally phased out Asbestos and exploding car parts on their own...you might be a Libertarian.

077.) If your idea of an utopian society is Somalia...you might be a Libertarian.

078.) If you've ever texted an acquaintance to warn them about a possible drone sighting...you might be a Libertarian.

079.) If you've ever read the writings of Timothy McVeigh aloud...you might be a Libertarian.

080.) If you thought the EPA were the true villains in “Ghostbusters”…you might be a Libertarian.

081.) If you believe careers are open to talent, yet you oppose federal spending for jobs training programs…you might be a Libertarian.

082.) If you consider yourself a generator of public wealth because you trade Pokemon on your 3DS…you might be a Libertarian.

083.) If you keep asking yourself why Sub-Saharans just don’t accept “voluntary trade” and solve all of their worldly problems through anarcho-capitalism…you might be a Libertarian.

084.) If you constantly criticize the lower class for playing the “victim card,” but all you ever do is talk about how the government victimizes you…you might be a Libertarian.

085.) If you’ve ever cited “Duck, Duck Goose” as a reason why regulation is unnecessary…you might be a Libertarian.

086.) If you think over the counter heroin would SOLVE more problems than it would create…you might be a Libertarian.

087.) If you’ve never mulled whether or not the fact the Founding Fathers owned slaves might contradict all of the bullshit they said about liberty and free will…you might be a Libertarian.

088.) If you forget the Supremacy Clause exists…you might be a Libertarian.

089.) If you consider AR-15s to be status symbols…you might be a Libertarian.

090.) If every successful counterargument to your political ideals is ALWAYS a straw man…you might be a Libertarian.

091.) If you still wonder why colonialism gets such a bad rap…you might be a Libertarian.

092.) If you think homeless people like it that way…you might be a Libertarian.

093.) If you consider yourself on expert on fiscal policy, when your current checking balance is $5.50...you might be a Libertarian.

094.) If you think only you and the Koch brothers are right about things…you might be a Libertarian.

095.) If you always criticize the National Debt, when you yourself will be paying back college loans for the next 40 years…you might be a Libertarian.

096.) If you consider Gamestop credit a long-term fiscal investment…you might be a Libertarian.

097.) If you refer to yourself as a self-made man, even though your parents still pay all your bills…you might be a Libertarian.

098.) If you think democracy is worth fighting for, as long as somebody else does the fighting for you…you might be a Libertarian.

099.) If your political platform is “fuck the poor”…you might be a Libertarian.

100.) If your entire life revolves around defending an abstract political philosophy, anchored around intangible-yet-conveniently-fluid definitions of non-existent constructs like “freedom” and “personal right”…you might be a Libertarian.

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