Monday, June 16, 2014

100 People You Should DEFINITELY Ignore

Some individuals are well worth listening to. Here's a brief list of the kind of people who most certainly are not.


001. English majors, talking about anything other than English.

002. ANYBODY wearing a sandwich board, of any kind.

003. Guys with a tendency to preface an inordinate number of statements with the phrase "now, I'm no expert..."

004. Anybody who is concerned about something after being "enlightened" by a YouTube video.

005. People who wear shirts with whole sentences written on them.

006. Gender studies professors.

007. People who say they have exclusive information that was "suppressed" by the government.

008. Anyone who claims to have graduated from "the School of Hard Knocks."

009. 99.8 percent of white rappers.

010. For some inexplicable reason, almost all dudes whose first name is either Darryl or Duane.

011. Any advocate for home schooling.

012. Anyone who actually uses the term "cisgender."

013. People who, at any point in time, have owned Yosemite Sam mudflaps.

014. The proprietors of any stores that have the word "shoppe" in their title.

015. Any self-described iconoclast.

016. ANYBODY clearly wearing two different kinds of flip-flops at the same time.

017. Most anybody who regularly frequents record shops.

018. People who use their workplace website photo as their Facebook profile pic.

019. Paleo dieters.

020. Anybody who claims to "love" science.

021. Anyone carrying a bullhorn with bumper stickers on it.

022. People dressed up like Japanese cartoon characters, anywhere at anytime for any reason.

023. People that actually say the words "indeed" and "furthermore" in casual conversation.

024. White people who try to sound like they're actually speaking Spanish when ordering Mexican food.

025. People who think they "ought to run for office someday."

People who publicly advertise their want of sexual favors in exchange for mundane acts of charity: TRUSTWORTHY. 

026. People who have a heavy metal band's logo tattooed somewhere on their body.

027. People who say they went to college to "find themselves."

028. Any Caucasian couple who give their children ostentatiously ethnic-sounding first names.

029. Representatives from any organization that has "Jesus" in its title.

030. People who proudly wear clothing with the anarchy symbol on it.

031. Anybody who brags about making homemade jewelry.

032. Guys who claim to know what "good beer" really tastes like.

033. People who actually play badminton.

034. Any person wearing a hoodie and sunglasses simultaneously.

035. People who brag about the results of their STD tests.

036. People who feel the need to randomly whistle.

037. Individuals who pride themselves on being "semi-fluent" in other languages.

038. Guys who are convinced that certain foods tasted differently ten years ago.

039. Anyone who thinks jokes about bacon are actually funny.

040. Anybody who has a zombie sticker on their car.

041. People who constantly remind you not to pronounce the silent letters in their name.

042. Anyone who has used the phrase "taken to its logical conclusion" at any point in their lives.

043. People who try to give you homemade remedies for acne treatment.

044. People who are only into Major League Baseball.

045. People who just have to remind you that they're in the process of "quitting smoking."

046. People who shop while listening to their iPods.

047. Guys who actually call radio stations to request songs.

048. Anyone who says they are a "patron of the fine arts."

049. People who, for some inexplicable reason, are adamant that you always use coasters.

050. People who use the term "they" as a vague noun, especially in reference to an unexplained collective-authority. For example: "They say them video games is what's turning all them kids into school shooters."

In this photograph alone, I can spot at least seven things that would most likely make this individual an unreliable source of information. How many can you detect, dear reader?

051. People that are really into college sports teams, when they themselves never actually attended said college. Bonus points if they've never attended any college, for that matter.

052. People who, for some reason, have plastic wrapped sporks in their kitchen drawers.

053. People who never tell you what their initials stand for. Case in point: Mr. T.

054. Those who take great pride in being "nerdy."

055. People who laugh like the alien warrior from "Predator."

056. Small town journalists.

057. Individuals who are really into graffiti -- the paler their complexion, the further you should stay away from them.

058. ANYONE handing out pamphlets that aren't Chinese restaurant menus or fliers about furniture store sales.

059. Girls with really pronounced gum lines.

060. Barnes and Noble cashiers, especially when they start telling you about other books they think you'd like.

061. Anyone into Eastern Mysticism who isn't an Eastern Mystic.

062. Guys holding brooms, mops, rakes or other implements welded to wooden poles, whom address you with the sentence "Hey buddy, listen here for a minute."

063. People who literally begin and end all of their sentences with the word "man."

064. Individuals who carefully enunciate commas when they speak.

065. Any woman who self-identifies as a "BBW."

066. People fatter than you, talking about exercise regiments.

067. Anybody who stops to spit while conversing with you.

068. Guys who quote "Big Trouble in Little China."

069. ANYONE who brings up pleather, for any reason and at any juncture.

070. Those who think awkwardness is charming.

071. People who like to speak in alliteration.

072. Anyone into organic farming.

073. Anybody who tries to strike up a conversation with you while using a public bathroom.

074. People who attend sporting events, wearing jerseys that aren't of the two teams playing.

075. Anybody who points a lot.

If anyone you know has written erotic fan fiction, odds are they're probably not the best people to seek advice from.

076. People who really like news stories about home invaders getting shot.

077. Pretty much anyone that uses the term "welfare queen."

078. People who DON'T think the first "Rocky" movie was the best one.

079. Fans of science fiction literature.

080. Anyone inside a Spencer's Gifts store.

081. People who like to talk about injuries they've had since "way back when."

082. Fruit vendors who misspell "fruit" on their signage.

083. The owners of businesses that prominently display animated neon signs.

084. People on the comment section of any national news organization's website.

085. Anyone with a pronounced dislike of gypsies.

086. Anybody even remotely associated with bars that use the word "nigger" for advertisement purposes.

087. People who tell you they're going to blog about things, but then never do.

088. Anyone championing an "all-natural" therapy or remedy, of any kind.

089. People always complaining about the "urbanization" of America.

090. People who wear sunglasses indoors -- ain't none of us got any time for any "K-Pax" motherfuckers on this planet, pal.

091. Anyone who enjoys thoroughly describing to you what their last bowl movement was like.

092. Dumbass parents who let their elementary schoolers have YouTube accounts.

093. Anyone who has aspirations of "taking the country back."

094. Anyone with a fondness for interpretive dance.

095. People who are convinced that at least half of all the U.S. presidents were actually alien lizard monsters.

096. Guys wearing burlap sacks over their heads, perhaps wielding a chainsaw or perhaps not.

097. People selling anything with the word meat encircled by suspiciously pronounced quotation marks.

098. Any guest on "The Maury Povich Show."

099. Colloidal silver salespeople.

100. People who run niche-interest humor blogs.

1 comment:

  1. This is such a useful list, but why badminton? You just ruled out basically all old Vietnamese, Chinese, or Indian men with that one.

    ReplyDelete