Thursday, July 10, 2014

100 Potential New Nicknames for the Washington Redskins

With legislators and the general public alike pushing for the team to change its nickname, here are a few replacement moniker suggestions for one of the National Football League's oldest franchises...


  1. The Washington Redtapes -- what's more Washington than bureaucratic stifling?
  2. The Washington Nixons -- shave the hair off the current logo and tone it down to eggshell white and you already have yourself a sales-ready team emblem. 
  3. The Washington Bipartisans -- FedEx Field can even be cordoned off into two separate houses, if you wanted to really get into the spirit of things. 
  4. The Washington Filibusters -- they can win every game by simply refusing to call "heads" or "tails" at kickoff. 
  5. The Washington Windbags -- Rush Limbaugh already has experience calling NFL games, after all.
  6. The Washington Super ZIPs -- considering the per capita wealth outside the stadium, locals would likely have no problems making it rain actual money following home victories. 
  7. The Washington Lame Ducks -- with no offense to either the lame or billed aquatic creatures. No need to get into another brouhaha!
  8. The Washington Lobbyists -- Green Bay has its packers, Pittsburgh has its steelers. Why not rename the team after D.C.'s number one industry, too?
  9. The Washington Do-Nothings -- the offense always vetoes what the defense wants to do, and vice versa. 
  10. The Washington One Percent -- despite the fears of naive college students sleeping in the cheap seats out of protest.
  11. The Washington Establishment -- I really like the idea of changing the team logo to the Eye Above the Pyramid. 
  12. The Washington Bullet Wounds -- a tribute to the city's number one public health menace.
  13. The Washington Handgun Grabbers -- "shall not be infringed" would be the greatest fan cheer of all-time. 
  14. The Washington Blackskins -- pending Donald Sterling ever becomes the team's director of marketing. 
  15. The Washington Arrows -- at least they already kinda' have helmets ready for the name change
  16. The Washington Kowtows -- hackneyed...
  17. The Washington Pushovers -- ...joke...
  18. The Washington Whim-Caterers -- and done it
  19. The Washington Non-Staters -- because D.C. doesn't belong to any state. To the best of my knowledge, this is the only city in the U.S. where such a nickname would be even remotely applicable. 
  20. The Washington Exorcists -- because a certain supernatural horror classic was filmed in Georgetown. 
  21. The Washington Tent Pitchers -- a less offensive slur for Indians, and also an ode to what happens when Bill Clinton encounters a chunky intern. 
  22. The Washington Casino Owners -- or unregulated cigarette manufacturers. Either will suffice. 
  23. The Washington Jacksons -- the only thing more offensive then naming a team after a Native American slur would probably be naming the team after a guy who actually killed Native Americans
  24. The Washington Better Eagles -- the nickname may be taken, but the tacked on qualifier makes ALL the difference. 
  25. The Washington 23ers -- named after the 23rd Amendment, of course. 
  26. The Washington Straight Edgers -- it makes more sense than the Utah Jazz, at least. 
  27. The Washington Washingtons -- their alternate logo could be a very dick-shaped monument.
  28. The Washington Laws -- a rivalry with the Buffalo Bills would be a natural.
  29. The Washington Turkeys -- legend has it that Ben Franklin also wanted it to be the national emblem. Then again, Ben Franklin was also an obese drunk, so make of that what you will. 
  30. The Washington Greens -- in honor of the nation's ever-relaxing campaign finance reform standards.
  31. The Washington Marchers -- a nice dual meaning; it can be a reference to all of the dead at Arlington Cemetery and a nod to the million billion protests that have transpired in D.C. over the last 70-odd years.
  32. The Washington Bonuses -- because politicians kept getting them, regardless. 
  33. The Washington Representatives -- the logo could be a guy stabbing another man to death with a flagpole.
  34. The Washington Brooks -- a tribute to quite possibly the most batshit man to ever step inside the U.S. House.
  35. The Washington Warmongers -- is that a camera pod over the field or an attack drone?
  36. The Washington Executive Orders -- all of a sudden, the special teams unit has the power to do whatever the hell it wants, regardless of input from the offensive or defensive coordinators. 
  37. The Washington Indian Givers -- hey, you still have our beads. What are you still complaining about?
  38. The Washington Tanners -- their arch enemy is the Cowboys. A tanner makes leather. Out of cows. Get it?
  39. The Washington Washers -- the phonetics shtick worked for the Philadelphia Phillies, anyway.
  40. The Washington Spears -- who doesn't think selling commemorative plastic killing sticks at football games frequented by large throngs of drunk people is an awesome idea?
  41. The Washington Willies -- a tribute to our nation's first black president
  42. The Washington Warrants -- New team fight song? "Cherry Pie."
  43. The Washington Warlocks -- It's nowhere near as stupid as calling a local team the Wizards, or...ugh, Mystics
  44. The Washington Movers -- an oblique nod to business partner Federal Express.
  45. The Washington Whigs -- because fuck the Tories, that's why. 
  46. The Washington Wasps -- a nice double entendre for the lily white D.C. suburbs. 
  47. The Washington Werewolves -- why not name a team after a hyper-obscure '70s no-budget horror comedy?
  48. The Washington Districts -- they play in the DISTRICT of Colombia, so that makes sense and shit.
  49. The Washington Masons -- how could a team backed by the 33rds possibly falter on the gridiron?
  50. The Washington Flip Floppers -- John Kerry could initiate the rebranded team's first coin toss.
  51. The Washington Snyders -- shit, they let Paul Brown get away with it. 
  52. The Washington Dollar Tossers -- an ode to the George Washington fable AND the primary way things get done in the Beltway. 
  53. The Washington Tree Choppers -- an homage to Honest Abe and a furtive endorsement of deforestation. 
  54. The Washington Pentagons -- if only the Dayton Triangles were still around...
  55. The Washington Scalpers -- an obvious reject. Do you really think the League would let a team acknowledge second-hand ticket sales? 
  56. The Washington Fortunate Sons -- when the band plays "Hail to the Redskins," ooo, they're pointing that cannon at you. 
  57. The Washington Potato Skins -- a partnership with TGI Friday's would be a no-brainer. 
  58. The Washington Pork Barrels -- just spend, baby. 
  59. The Washington Red Scares -- hmm...that New Orleans Saints logo does look suspiciously like a Soviet Sickle!
  60. The Washington Redzones -- a really stupid name that people at the Huffington Post would probably nominate. 
  61. The Washington Pigskins -- ...and an even stupider one. 
  62. The Washington Hogs -- Redskins fans sometimes wear pig snouts to games. Therefore, rechristening the team with a pig-themed moniker makes quite a bit of sense. Really, really stupid sense, but sense nonetheless. 
  63. The Washington Warriors -- any day now, expect Obama to hand down an executive diktat establishing this as the team's official nickname...or else
  64. The Washington Redhawks -- it worked for the other University of Miami, I guess.
  65. The Washington Senators -- there are 100 Senators in Washington, and roughly 100 people on a pro football roster. Coincidence? Well, yeah, actually. 
  66. The Washington Crabs -- if only Michael Vick was their starting QB!
  67. The Washington Winds -- a good backup name for an expansion WNBA team, too.
  68. The Washington Pox -- ...don't even THINK about bringing a blanket to winter games. 
  69. The Maryland Mansons -- since the team plays in Maryland, you know.
  70. The Landover Larks -- FedEx Field is located in Landover, Md. A lark is a really pussy bird, but it fits phonetically.
  71. The Landover Lancers -- lancer is such a cool noun. It's practically calling your team the "Stabbers," but it sounds way more regal.
  72. The Landover Landgrabbers -- in honor of Kelo vs. City of New London, which was decided in nearby D.C.
  73. The D.C. Chargers -- yeah, the name is already taken, but it's just oh so fitting.
  74. The Capital Capitols -- it's not THAT dumb when you think about for a few hours.
  75. The D.C. Marvels -- millennial fans would LOVE this one.
  76. The Washington Justices -- forget Kansas City's "Sea of Red," an entire stadium filled with people in satin robes would be the most intimidating thing ever.
  77. The Washington Departments -- admittedly, a logo for this one would be a little difficult to draw up...
  78. The Washington Cabinets -- ...as would this one. 
  79. The Washington Mulattoes -- in honor of Thomas Jefferson's well-documented slave boning proclivities. 
  80. The Washington Oaths -- just because I want to hear Tony Kornheiser mispronounce them as "The Oats" on Monday Night Football.
  81. The Washington Machines -- ...because this team will go full rinse cycle on your ass. 
  82. The Washington Gavels -- just try not to give away too many commemorative wooden hammers on ten cent beer night
  83. The Washington Treaties -- all penalties will be negated due to a non-binding team resolution.
  84. The Washington Grovers -- True to their namesake, the team would alternate wins and losses for the rest of their existence.
  85. The Washington Spenders -- fans can show their team spirit by burning $100 bills in the parking lot. 
  86. The Washington Supremes -- better than the Temptations, I guess. 
  87. The Washington Decisions -- or the "Decis," for short. 
  88. The Washington Wetskins -- this isn't a racial slur for porpoises, is it?
  89. The Washington Volleys -- you know, cause of the Revolutionary War and shit.
  90. The Washington Cannons -- ditto. 
  91. The Washington Pens -- because Federal ink has killed more people over the last 100 years than any other thing in the cosmos. 
  92. The Washington Legislators -- do you think they'll let suitcases stuffed with bribe money through security? 
  93. The Washington Circles -- as stated earlier, if only the Dayton Triangles were still a franchise
  94. The Washington Red Jerseys --this one is really, really true, aesthetically. 
  95. The Beltway Bucks -- a monocled deer would be the greatest mascot this side of the Western Kentucky...thing
  96. The Beltway Snipers -- after all, football is an excellent father-son bonding opportunity.
  97. The Beltway Belts -- the fan appreciation day giveaways would be an absolute given.
  98. The Washington Playas -- with Bill Bellamy tabbed to perform the first post name-change National Anthem.
  99. The Washington Whips -- an homage to congressional subordinates and the sexual toys preferred by congressional superiors. 
  100. The Washington Footballs -- ...and it's still a better nickname than the Houston Texans.

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