Monday, July 7, 2014


These things might just make the planet explode...

Right after I covered Nabisco's Fruit Punch Oreos -- in tandem with the company's second batch of Watermelon flavored sandwich cookies -- I figured I was through reviewing Oreos for awhile. I mean, I just covered twist top cookies that tasted like Hawaiian Punch, for Christ's sake -- what in the world could they do to possibly top that?

Well, if you said "release Oreos with Reese's Peanut Butter Cup flavored creme," you sir, would be insane. And also, correct, because that is precisely what Nabisco has done this summer.

Not that I'm complaining here. Oreos and Reese's have been among my two favorite things in the world for the last couple of years, and the marriage of the two products is something of a miniature dream come true. World peace, I can take or leave, but junk food genetically engineered to taste like a different kind of junk food? World War II, then, was SO worth it.

If you're familiar with Oreos (and god knows, if you are a regular reader of this site, you should be), then the modus operandi here shouldn't be too surprising. You've got two black cookie bookends, and a sliver of two-tone icing in the middle. Only it's not your ordinary kind of icing. Oh, heavens,'s icing that tastes JUST like a peanut butter cup covered in a shell of chocolate!

You may be wondering what's so inventive about this product. After all, Nabisco has already released both chocolate Oreos and Oreos with peanut butter goop in the middle of them. Well, the difference, of course, is the harmonious Reese's taste and texture. As the above picture so clearly demonstrates, there is a literal yin yang quality to the creme -- one part tastes very peanut buttery, and the other tastes very, very dark chocolatey. And together, the stuffing tastes just like a damned Reese's cup, which is really all we've ever asked for as a global village.

But why stop there? With Reese's Oreos, we already have the zenith of post-post-post modern food, so why not take things to the next conceivable level and annex some A&W Root Beer Float-flavored Betty Crocker frosting into the mix, too? It's cross-branding product amalgam meets cross-branding product amalgam -- the "Super Smash Bros." of diabetes-causing foodstuffs, in essence!

So, I peeled back my Wal-Mart exclusive root beer frosting -- which incidentally, tasted just like long cut wintergreen Grizzly smokeless tobacco -- twisted apart my candy-flavored candy, and decided to take one step closer to our trans-food future. Behold: the A&W Root Beer Betty Crocker Frosting Reese's Oreo!

Mmm, look at all of that. Four different branded products, coming together in a symphonic blend of multi-textural goodness. When it comes to home brewed foodstuffs, this is pretty much the be-all, end-all junk food experiment. Anything grander, and I'd probably require clearance from the FDA or something.

LOOK AT IT AND BASK IN ITS MAJESTY, MERE MORTALS. This is what the heavenly manna must've looked like. It's what Zeus would've eaten, after he had sex and stuff. I could tell you how delicious the fusion food was, but I'd rather let you figure it out on your own time; besides, it would be downright sinful of me to give away a surprise this guldarn spectacular.

At the end of the day, words just won't suffice here. I could write a million paragraphs on why Reese's Oreos, augmented by Betty Crocker A&W Root Beer frosting, is so sublimely American, but sometimes, a simple picture will speak louder than even the most beautiful of prose.

This is the Brave New World of corporate snack foods, people. All hail the new flesh -- all hail the future.


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