Tuesday, September 23, 2014

41 Things I Find Peculiarly Erotic

A tribute to the dizzying array of unusual and uncommon things that, to put it delicately, give me a big chubby-wubby.


At the Internet is in America, we take pride in being organic beings. With so much of our lives recirculated into social media postings, cell phone activity and endless hours of screen-time, I always find it enjoyable to pare all of the e-nonsense away and revel in our own distinct, goofy humanity.

Seeing as how I've  already waxed nostalgically/poetically on things that frighten and irritate me, I figured I ought to focus on another one of the basic mortal furies while I was at it -- that being the things that, in the biblical sense, evoke my arousal.

Some of these make more than enough sense, and some ... well, I'm still not sure what the hell's wrong with me, to be honest. Alas, these are the elements of existence that excite me, titillate me and make me acknowledge my own reproductive glands, quite frequently...

#001 -- Glossy lips

There’s hardly anything in the world more delectable to me than a girl smiling with a set of wet, radiant and preferably fruit-scented smoochers. Needless to say, it’s a highly attractive look (literally) that gets me in the mood for making out -- among other activities -- in a real hurry.

#002 -- Dark lipstick

The closer to black, for whatever reason, the more alluring. I’ve always kind of had a thing for the Gothy, wannabe-vampire chicks, but the more refined crimson and deep purple shades also seem to get my motor running, in the Laconian sense.

#003 -- Smoking

Yeah, it’s also a bit trashy, but it has that whole femme-fatale, film-noir, black widow appeal. As much as us anti-cigarette clean air health Nazis try to deny it, there’s something inherently sensual about the act. To reiterate the uncouth words of one of my old college buddies on the strange sexual allure of inhaling carcinogens: “Man, if she’s willing to put stuff that’ll kill her in her body, she’ll probably put a lot of other things in there, too.”

#004 -- E-Smoking

Kind of the same logic as with normal smoking, only intensified a bit because “vapers” undeniably look like their piping on a robot wiener while getting their neo-nicotine fix.

#005 -- Perms

I have no earthly clue where this comes from, but there’s just something about a girl with the wet, curly hair look that makes me all flustered. Oh, how I should have been a college-aged kid in the late 1970s instead…

#006 -- Long fingernails

Of course, I’m not into that Guinness Book of Records shit, but there’s something very exciting about having a woman, with beautifully manicured, sharp nail tips tracing your back and behind your ears. Female readers, try doing it to your guy pals sometime: if they don’t immediately spring up like rocket ships, they are G-A-Y with a capital (and rainbow-colored) “G.”

#007 -- Ridiculous cleavage

The more wildly inappropriate the setting or timing, the better. Peek-a-boo busts are fun at bars and clubs, but at PTA meetings and funerals, they’re exhilarating to the point of heart failure.

#008 -- Black cocktail dresses

Women spend outrageous sums of money on designer bras and underwear, believing that’s alluring to guys -- never mind the fact that dudes can’t actually see said articles of clothing until they’ve already been ensnared. If you’re looking to really wow a dude, don a nice, tight-fitting midnight-colored party dress instead. It’s more cost-efficient, more likely to catch a guy’s eye and way hotter than anything you’d pay an arm and a leg for at Victoria’s Secret, anyway.

#009 -- Anything black and lacey, for that matter

Color psychologists tell us black is dangerous, and therefore titillating to the senses.  Black lace, therefore, makes your entire body look like a spider web … an irresistible, seductive spider-web, that guys want to fall into and subsequently be eaten in.

#010 -- Hoop earrings

The circle represents life, and also the ovum, so the cyclical pattern is immutably sexual in nature. Per the same college pal that gave us the little aphorism about female smokers earlier: “you can tell how tight a girl is by the size of her hoops.”

#011 -- Long boots

The best thing about winter, next to seasonal Stabucks drinks and playoff football. Swapping spit with your girl when she’s inexplicably half a foot taller is such a weird delight … just as long as she isn’t wearing those atrocious Uggs, of course.

#012 -- Glasses

The fashion media complex keeps telling women that designer shades are “hot,” whereas bifocals are dorky. The reality is, prescription lenses make you look intellectual, and therefore sexy, whereas sunglasses just make you like a grasshopper.

#013 -- Crooked teeth

OK, this is a really weird one (especially since I’ve never even been to England!), but there’s just something about a girl with imperfect canines and incisors that makes me feel funny on the inside. Why yes, I did have a crush on Patricia Arquette growing up. How did you know?

#014 -- Older women with braces

…and here’s the yang to number 13’s yin. You ever see a woman who’s like in her 30s or 40s, with a mouthful of metal? To most gals with adult orthodontic work, it’s perceived as embarrassing, but I think it’s peculiarly erotic, like a tongue ring or something. As “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” demonstrated, perhaps it’s the ever-present threat of penile endangerment that makes such a sight so stimulating?

#015 -- The raccoon eye look

There’s a very, very good reason why I would always catch “The Royal Tenenbaums” when it aired on Comedy Central back in the day. Hint: it’s not because I found Wes Anderson’s brand of irreverent, hipster humor endearing.

#016 -- The idea of being kissed by some random skank on the street

There’s a part in the music video for Paramore’s “Misery Business” where this make-up drenched bimbo walks up to a dude talking to his girlfriend, grabs him, and starts slurping on his face like a space vampire. Outside of the palpable herpes risk, I think most guys would agree such a scenario would be, in a word, “hot.”

#017 -- Even the remotest possibility that your girlfriend may make out with another girl in front of you

Just a fraction of a percent of a chance is good enough for 99.9 percent of the male population, I assure you.

#018 -- Girls that are just kinda’ chunky

As a general rule, anything beyond a UFC Heavyweight in size is probably a bit much, but there seems to be a ton (no pun intended, I swear) of absurdly hot celebrities in the 170 to 220 pound range. Man, how I’d love to be the meat in an Adele and Meghan Trainor sandwich…

#019 -- The idea of nailing a cosplayer while she’s in costume

To be fair, most cosplaying females are about as attractive as homemade soap, but would I personally turn down the chance to make out with an art student dressed up like Poison Ivy or shred the sheets with a depressed junior college dropout gussied up like Morrigan from “Darkstalkers?” Yeah, probably not.

#020 -- Paleness

A complete transversal of the cosmetics-fashion-media complex conceptualization of beauty; I’d rather delicately kiss a bone wet neck than run my lips all over a chemically-dyed orange clavicle, any day.

#021 -- Black girls, who sound like white girls

No earthly clue where this comes from, but there’s something about a girl who talks like Michelle Branch while resembling Michelle Obama that just makes me all hot and bothered. Show me a Run DMC back up dancer with an inflection like a Valley Girl, and I’ll show you an African-American woman who is about to get my phone number. You know, if she wants it, and stuff.

#022 -- Girls with big calves

Imagine my surprise when I found out there’s not only a sizable Internet contingent of big calve enthusiasts, but even an entire Pinterest board for them!

#023 -- Fishnet stockings

As a negative, they do tend to make you look like a cheap hooker. But as a positive, they also tend to make you look like a cheap hooker.

#024 -- Chipped black fingernail polish

Once again, my youthful adulation for the Cure and Nine Inch Nails set is showing, and painfully. For whatever reason, it just seemed to me that black nail polish was the only kind of nail polish that actually looked better when it was flaking off, revealing the pale, unprotected emotional longings of oh so many a suburban Marilyn Manson fan girl.

#025 -- Freckles

Girls, why do you want to cover them up? They are to your body what stars are to the night sky; beautiful, twinkling, idiosyncratic markings, stretching across all of eternity. Wow, that was unintentionally poetic. Better make a crude remark or two in the next entry, then.

#026 -- Really, really, really long kissing sessions

Sometimes, I kinda’ get the impression that super-serious French kissing is even better than sex. Well, until I actually have sex again, and then I have to retool the argument a bit. That said, prolonged spit swapping remains one of my all-time favorite interpersonal activities, with an hour-long tongue grinding bout -- preferably, with a comely female whose lips are nice and balm-soaked  and whose saliva is the same flavor as red Skittles -- representing my idea of heaven.

#027 -- Hickies

Hickies are basically the PG-version of a blow job, and I’ve likewise enjoyed having my jugular nibbled, chewed and sucked on -- preferably while being straddled or laying on my back. So, uh, is that more of a vampirism-related fetish, or a reverse rape one?

#028 -- Heavy perfume scents

Of course, it has to be an idiosyncratic heavy perfume scent. When I waltz into an Ulta (and if you have a girlfriend, you will be waltzing into many an Ulta), that’s the bad kind of overpowering scent -- primarily, because it’s a mixture of four billion chemicals that almost certainly are noxious when combined. Now, the heavy single user perfume scent I’ve always found a bit titillating. I guess there’s something about the signature scent, mixing with the wearer’s pheromones, that becomes almost intoxicating in closed spaces -- like, when you share an elevator ride with a girl who is just bathing in perfume. Yeah, it’s a little head-ache inducing, and it may make you choke a little, but at the same time? It might just give you inexplicable wood, too.

#029 -- The process of oiling up a female

Personally, I HATE having gooey substances on my skin. As soon as I crack an egg, I have to immediately wash my hands, or else I’ll have a mild panic attack. For whatever reason, females don’t seem to have the same problem, as they’re always exfoliating, waxing and caking themselves in all sorts of beauty creams and salves. At that point, my aversion to goop tends to float away, as I’ve always found a bizarre satisfaction from rubbing suntan oil or lotion on a female companion. Oh shit, I just now noticed how that kind of makes me sound like Buffalo Bill a little.

#030 -- Watching girls apply, and then remove makeup

I’m not so sure this one is as much sexually stimulating as it is mechanically hypnotic. I’ve found myself just sitting on the edge of the bed, watching eel-eyed as my gal pal goes through her forty minute long makeup ritual, which is a procedure that becomes even more entrancing when she breaks out the cloths and chemical solutions and rubs all of it off her face later in the evening. In a way, it’s kind of like watching a butterfly emerge from a cocoon … oh shit, that also sounds like something Buffalo Bill would probably say.

#031 -- When a girl clicks her nails on a desk and then emits a labored sigh

EVERY girl in the world does this, at least 84 times a day. For a casual frustration and rote behavior fetishist such as myself, this phenomenon is indeed pretty hot.

#032 -- Big hair

Brown, blonde, red , turquoise -- I don’t really have a preference, as long as the ‘do is big, bouncy, and voluminous. Sigh…when do you think the Stryper look will come back en vogue?

#033 -- Raspy voices

Some guys are into the syrupy sweet, ASMR lilt, but I like the antithetical -- a girl with a nice, coarse inflection. Of course, there are limitation to the acceptable hoarseness here; Kim Gordon is A-OK, Regan MacNeil in “The Exorcist,” not so much.

#034 -- Those barbell earring piercing thingies

Dangling is for old maids … jamming a cylindrical (and just a tad phallic) metal rod through your cartilage is most certainly the new “hawtness.”

#035 -- Glitter

Remember when body glitter was really popular in the 2000s for like, a week? I was a pretty big admirer of the look; I remain optimistic girls doing their best imitation of a kindergartner’s art project once again becomes fashionable before the decade’s end.

#036 --  Red leather

Oddly enough, any other color of leather (or pleather) just doesn’t do it for me. This kind of regalia was briefly popular in the aughties -- here’s hoping that in the not too distant future, women the world over once again begin dressing like female Terminators.

#037 -- A British accent

Some say French and Italian dialects are the sexiest, but I think the old Brit inflection is the perfect combination of intelligence and sultriness. Besides, the continental competition here is quite lacking; Scandinavian women sound like Muppets, Russians lasses sound like they’re ordering you into a gulag and the fraulein sound less like temptress sirens than they do Volvos breaking down.

#038 -- Bun hair

Maybe not the "Star Wars" deal, precisely, but the natural bun do is pretty hot. Plus, it lends itself to one of the most seductive things a woman can do in front of a guy; the ritualistic “de-bunning,” which results in her hair flowing all over her face and shoulders like a tsunami of raw sexual energy. Note: this may or may not also have something to do with the fact that I really, really like cinnamon rolls.

#039 -- Spidery eyelashes

Girls with gobs of mascara on -- despite sometimes looking like the living dead -- really make me blood pump a little bit quicker. There’s really something going on here about the whole black widow thing. Clearly, Freud has much to say on this one

#040 -- Spandex

Skin tight polymer outfits are just the dandiest; what guy doesn’t want to ogle a women whose body looks like its trying to literally rip through a generic super hero costume?

#041 -- An aura of intellect, bundled with compassion and a high emotional quotient

God, it makes me so stiff.

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