Sunday, September 7, 2014

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week One's Raiders vs. Jets Game


12:25 PM EST -- Well, another NFL season is upon us, folks. Needless to say, there are quite a few storylines heading into the first week of play for my beloved Raiders, beginning with our NINTEENTH starting QB since 2003, Mr. Derek Carr, taking snaps on his very first pro game that matters.

12:26 PM EST -- Just to let you know, the neighbor’s Wi-Fi sucks, so I probably won’t be able to give you all the up-to-the-second stats like normal.

12:28 PM EST -- On the CBS pre-game, the morning crew is talking about today’s Raiders/Jets game. Derek Carr is the only rookie QB, they inform us, getting a start during week one.

12:30 PM EST -- Wow, this is the most week one coverage the Raiders have received on a pregame show since…forever, probably.

12:31 PM EST --  In terms of other offseason additions, I reckon the two biggest on offensive and defense, respectively, are Maurice Jones Drew (perhaps the only halfback in the league MORE injury prone than D-Mac) and Khalil Mack, who very well COULD be the next Ray Lewis. And that’s not just because he wears number 52 … and hopefully, not because he’ll kill somebody, either.

12:34 PM EST -- Of course, if that homicide victim’s name just so happens to rhyme with “Hatin’ Canning,” I probably wouldn’t mind too much.

12:35 PM EST -- Breaking news from elsewhere around the League: apparently, Cam Newton won’t be under center for the Panthers today. If you didn’t already have Carolina in your death pool for the week…

12:37 PM EST -- Aww man, I should probably address all the Raiders relocation rumors going on, no? Earlier in the week, the city of Oakland said they were willing to play ball to finance an $800 million new stadium in the East Bay -- considering Tommy Boy’s executive decision making track record, yeah, that means the team will probably be playing in San Antonio this time next year.

12:41 PM EST -- In a complete and total shocker, the bar maid here has no idea how to change the TV channel. You’d figure they would do at least a week of training beforehand.

12:42 PM EST -- The bar is a hybrid Falcons/Vikings joint. That’s some pretty good synergy, having one team that can’t run and another that can’t pass given equal representation.

12:43 PM EST -- Last year, the city passed a ban on indoor smoking. You know who never got the memo? Everybody here, apparently.

12:46 PM EST -- Oh god, heaven help us all if the TV gets stuck on the Titans/Chiefs game…

12:48 PM EST -- Since it’s opening day, there’s a pretty god mix of fans here. So far, I’d have to say the Bengals faithful are the most rear-end-ugly.

12:51 PM EST -- You know what the funniest thing about Frank Caliendo is? Nothing.

12:52 PM EST -- I’m pretty sure I am the youngest person here, by about ten years. Either the NFL market skews towards an older demographic, or holy shit, does watching this shit week in, week out put the wrinkles on you.

12:53 PM EST -- And we are LIVE at the Meadowlands, with our hosts Jam Nantz and Phil Simms. Derek Carr is on the sideline; the last time a rookie Raiders QB had this much hype behind him, it was Jamar…oh, god, no!

12:56 PM EST -- And thanks to a torrential Atlanta downpour, we just lost our feed. God. Damn. It.

01:01 PM EST -- Well, your guess is as good as mine as to what the hell’s happening right now. Anywhere in the world, actually.

01:03 PM EST -- There are umbrellas and small shrubs flying around everywhere outside. I’m not kidding. Cue incredibly tasteless joke about it being ironic that the Saints are in town this weekend, if you want.

01:07 PM EST -- The radio just kicked on, and started playing “Mmmbop.” And I now have the Wi-Fi password, bitches!

01:11 PM EST -- Apparently, it’s a 3 and 21 situation for the Jets at the Raiders 43 or so.

01:12  PM EST -- Jets kick a FG for an early 3-0 lead. And now, the Raiders take the field…presumably for the first time today.

01:13 PM EST -- And LOL, CANADIAN Football is playing on the Falcons screen now, for some bizarre reason.

01:14 PM EST -- The Raiders will begin on their own 20.

01:17 PM EST -- Folks, the Carr era is set to begin. Third and six. A yellow flag on the Jets makes it a third and one. Doesn’t look like Oakland converts.

01:20 PM EST -- King punts it away. Jets start at their own 30, and they run it for close to a first down. But there’s a flag on the Jets, so it’s coming back.

01:23 PM EST -- WOODSON WITH AN INTERCEPTION! The Raiders get it back around the Jets own 20!

01:25 PM EST -- Second and 2 for Oakland. And it looks like MJD got dropped for a loss.

01:26 PM EST -- The Raiders pick up a new set of downs on a short shuttle pass. On first down, MJD barrels forward for about five.

01:27 PM EST -- Carr playing small ball so far. With the run to short yardage pass game, it certainly feels like the old Gannon and Garner years.

01:28 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS! Rod Streator with a 12-yard reception to put the Silver and Black up 7-3.

01:31 PM EST -- And the Jets will be starting their next possession WAY behind their own 15. Will the Raiders blitz like crazy?

01:34 PM EST -- Third down coming up. And they convert, unfortunately.

01:36 PM EST -- And a shaky Geno Smith gets sacked behind the line of scrimmage as the first quarter concludes.

01:40 PM EST -- Third and eight for the Jets, and ANOTHER penalty sets them back even further. A third and 13 now. And Smith scrambles for a new set of downs.

01:41 PM EST -- Oh goodness, this pass defense could use some improvement…

01:42 PM EST -- And the Jets are in the red zone.

01:43 PM EST -- Geno tries to rush it in for a TD and HE FUMBLES THE BALL. The Raiders with their second forced turnover of the game!

01:47 PM EST -- ANOTHER Jets penalty gives the Raiders a new set of downs.  And a short, surgical strike down the middle gives the Raiders another first.

01:49 PM EST -- Following the millionth Jets penalty of the afternoon, the D-MAC rushes for another Oakland first down.

01:52 PM EST -- Third and three. The pass is NEARLY picked off by a defender, but the gods appear to be shining on Oakland today. Out comes the punting unit. The Jets get possession at their own 20.

01:54 PM EST -- The Raiders have 78 total yards compared to the Jets' 148. The real story here, however, is the penalty ratio. The Jets have been flagged seven times for 50 yards, while the Raiders have committed absolutely ZERO. Talk about an M. Night twist!

01:56 PM EST -- Third down coming up for the Jets. And they are going to have to punt it away.

01:57 PM EST -- And the Raiders will be starting their next drive at about the Jets' 40.

01:59 PM EST -- About a third and four coming up. On the run, and Carr's got to chunk it away. Out comes King to punt. And the Jets start at their own 20.

02:03 PM EST -- And over in Pittsburgh, we have ourselves a rare "kicking a motherfucker right in the face" penalty...

02:05 PM EST -- Third down coming up for the Jets. And Smith runs for a new set of downs.

02:07 PM EST -- The Jets are close to red zone territory now. To be fair, Chris Johnson is having a pretty good day on the ground. 1:54 left in the first half. The Jets have 208 total yards, while the Raiders have just 79.

02:12 PM EST -- Jets on the Raiders' 10. Second and goal.And now a third down. Thirty-four seconds left in the second quarter.

02:16 PM EST -- TOUCHDOWN JETS. A Johnson reception makes it a 10-7 game.

02:20 PM EST -- And we head to halftime, with a three point game. Admittedly, I haven't been that impressed by either Oakland's offense or defense. At this point, the team's lack of penalties and the Jets beating the shit out of themselves has kept the Raiders in the ballgame. But, yeah, the O-line is much improved, I suppose.

02:26 PM EST -- The big shocker of the day thus far? The Jacksonville Jaguars are currently blanking the highly touted Philadelphia Eagles, 17-goose egg.

02:27 PM EST -- The Raiders get the ball to begin the second half. Here's hoping for a third quarter offensive surge...

02:29 PM EST -- You know what kind of people share a passion for both NFL football and women's tennis? No kind of people, that's who.

02:33 PM EST -- And the Raiders will begin at the Jets' 40.

02:34 PM EST -- And MJD just attempted a field goal kick on second down for a 21-yard loss. And then the Raiders get hit with a delay of game penalty. F-M-L.

02:35 PM EST -- Second and 26. Now, it's three and 25. An absolutely pitiful three and out for the Raiders. The Jets will begin at their own 20.

02:38 PM EST -- Johnson is just chewing up the Raiders defense today. And the Jets are already at mid-field. And the Raiders are FINALLY able to drop #21 behind the line for a loss. And Justin Tuck is injured. Freaking great.

02:43 PM EST -- Third and 11 coming up. Oakland really needs a stop here. But that's cool, Woodson just got a holding call, so they get a fresh set of downs.

02:44 PM EST -- Well, Khalil Mack hasn't done shit today. Johnson gets smashed for a loss, so its third and seven for New York. And a Jets pass interference call negates what would have been a huge pick up! Third and seventeen now. Looks like the Jets are going to have to punt.

02:46 PM EST -- Hey, Mr. Carr? Now is probably a good time to, you know, start doing shit and stuff. Raiders begin around their own 15.

02:49 PM EST -- Third down coming up. And Carr gets sacked. The Jets will begin at damn near midfield.

02:52 PM EST -- You know, for the longest time, I thought the big problem with the Raiders was their QB situation. As it turns out, maybe the reason why the Raiders have sucked all these years is, you know, simply the face that they're the Raiders.

02:56 PM EST -- And the Jets get flagged for a face mask. Really, the Jets miscues have been the only thing keeping Oakland in this game. Smith scrambles to make it a 2 and 13.

02:59 PM EST -- Third and four, with the Jets eyeing the Raiders' end zone. And Smith gets sacked. A field goal makes this one 13-7, New York.

03:03 PM EST -- MJD has ZERO yards today. So of course, he would just turn around and break off a 10 yard reception.

03:05 PM EST -- About third and six coming up. The blitz is on, so Carr has to chunk it away. King punts. Jets begin at their own 30.

03:07 PM EST -- The Jets have over 300 total yards. The Raiders have about 70. End of the third.

03:11 PM EST -- Looks like about a third and five for the Jets. And the Raiders' D makes a much, much needed stop. The question now is, can Carr do anything once the ball is in his hands?

03:12 PM EST -- And Oakland begins on their own five. And three and 10 approaching.

03:13 PM EST -- And Carr has ANOTHER delay of game penalty. The Raiders have done literally NOTHING for the last half hour of this game.

03:16 PM EST -- And the Jets take control of the ball at their own 45. The Raiders have just 11 rushing yards on the day.

03:17 PM EST -- Oakland actually has NEGATIVE TWO YARDS the entire second half thus far.

03:19 PM EST -- 2008 Detroit Lions ... you might just have some company.

03:20 PM EST -- Third and three for the Jets. Chris Johnson has more yards than the entire Raiders team. But at least the D comes up for a pivotal stop.

03:21 PM EST -- Less than 10 minutes left in the game. The Raiders need a touchdown in the worst possible way.

03:23 PM EST -- And another third and 10 situation for the Raiders. I've seen more of Marquette King's ass today than my own girlfriend's.

03:26 PM EST -- Jets will begin at about their own 30.

03:27 PM EST -- You know what fall tastes like? Watery Mr. Pibb and disappointment.

03:29 PM EST --

03:30 PM EST -- A 70-yard touchdown gives the Jets a 19-7 advantage. Shit, at least Jamarcus Russell could fucking run a little...

03:33 PM EST -- Eight minutes left in the fourth. The Raiders will begin at their own 20. Third and fourth coming up. 

03:34 PM EST -- And a false start call negates what has been the Raiders first first down since the late 1970s. And a roughing the passer call gives the Raiders a new set of downs.

03:37 PM EST -- And a holding call gives the Raiders another set of downs. Less than seven minutes left in the game. Oakland is now at midfield.

03:39 PM EST -- Carr eats dirt. Uh...do we still have Matt McGloin on the roster?

03:41 PM EST --And Oakland goes for it on 4th and 14. And they get a false start for their efforts. Here comes Marquette. 

03:43 PM EST -- Well, this team looks like utter fucking garbage. I think this may be a new franchise record for just how early I abandoned hope for the entire season. 

03:45 PM EST -- Well, the Raiders get a pointless stop on third and one, at least. 

03:46 PM EST -- Closing in on the two minute warning. The Raiders need two touchdowns. This shit will not happen in infinity years.

03:47 PM EST -- One minute, 57 seconds left. The Raiders are playing for nothing more than pride at this point. The most miserable, pathetic, saddest kind of pride that there is. 

03:49 PM EST -- Schaub on the sideline. Well, we sure as hell don't have a QB controversy or anything heading into week two. 

03:53 PM EST -- And the Raiders with pretty much a meaningless touchdown. But yeah, that one handed catch by Jacoby Jones was pretty sweet. And it's under review. Well, the 30-yard strike stands -- that might mean something to you if Carr's on your fantasy team, I suppose.

05:30 PM EST -- And my laptop decides to go dead with two minutes left in the game, which is actually a rather fitting homage to how the Raiders played today. Janikowski went for (and failed) on an onside kick, the Jets ran out the clock, and that's our ballgame. Oh well, at least catching the tail end of the Falcons/Saints game was fun. Is that what professional football looks like? 'Cause we sure as hell ain't going to be seeing that in Oakland anytime soon. 

05:32 PM EST -- Our final score from New Jersey? Jets, 19, Raiders 14. I hate football...with a passion. 

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