Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Six Things All White People Like

…and the pseudoscience why.

Let’s talk about stereotypes for a moment.

We all like to say they’re a bunch of misinformed opinions, but the frank reality is that stereotypes do indeed exist for a reason. By and large, mass society tends to view Asians as math whizzes, Jews as shekel-counters who own everything and blacks as thick-wanged convicts  because … well, the frustrating statistics kinda’ tell us they are. As cruel and derogatory as these mass generalizations may be, there’s at least a kernel of truth to all of them … especially regarding the white folks.

Yes, the chalkies, those no-assed, stable career-having, NASCAR-loving, guitar-playing ultra-poor dancers they are. When discussing the wide panoply of ethnoracial stereotype out there, very rarely do we go in-depth with all of the overgeneralizations regarding the Caucasoid and his ways, and as someone whose genetic ancestry can best be described as a jumble of Eurasian trash, I assure you there are indeed a plenty worth talking about.

Of course, anyone can just run down a list of stereotypical white mankind passions, but I reckon this is a matter worth taking seriously and going one step further with semi-scientific explanations for why the Caucasian likes what he or she likes.

And as it turns out? Yeah, there is a lot of cyrptoracism and micro-aggressions going on here, I am afraid.


White people love their dogs. I don’t mean they merely enjoy their company, I mean they consider them on par with the human members of their respective families. They throw them birthday parties, take them to have their pictures made with Santa, have their pastors bless them and when they die, they fall into year-long depressions. They keep pictures of their pets in framed photos, and they carry pictures of them in their wallets. Odds are, if someone has a dog as their desktop image, they’re probably white.

White people tend to treat their dogs better than most ethnoracial groups treat their own children; indeed, dogs are one of the few areas were white people absolutely refuse to budge any ground whatsoever. Remember the whole Michael Vick dog fighting brouhaha? That was literally the only time in history that Al Sharpton didn’t bother stoking racial embers, because he knew that white people wouldn’t even attempt to put on a P.C. veneer when dealing with a canine abuser. And as much as the more liberal white folks like to praise multiculturalism, they draw the line at anything even remotely resembling dog mistreatment. Next to mulling the idea that Jesus Christ is black, there is nothing that causes more distress to white people than the notion that some in some ass-backwards cultures, a bunch of primitive savages actually eat puppies.

Why so much love from white folks? Since the Caucasoid has been upright, his closest companion in the animal kingdom has been the dog. From England to Scandinavia to Bavaria to the domain of the Slavs, the love of dogs has remained a constant for white people throughout history.

Ultimately, the white man loves dogs because he loves being the owner of a dog. They love the fact they have this adoring, docile creature who is completely obedient to their every whim. They love having something mindless that they can manipulate, to know something is completely dependent upon them, to know that something would literally kill to protect them. Simply put, white people love dogs, because there are no greater Uncle Toms in the mammalian world.


Caucasians and cheese go together like peanut butter and jelly. If you’ve ever been to any kind of function primarily populated by white folks, you’ll see heaps and heaps of cheese all over the place. Hell, I’ve been to some functions where literally the entire snack bar was just cheddar and mozzarella laid out on sampler trays.

You know why white people love wine parties so much? It’s because it gives them an excuse to engorge themselves on exotic cheeses. Truthfully, they don’t give a shit about the alcohol, they just went to eat a whole bunch of gouda. Furthermore, all of your standard Caucasoid foods tend to have cheese as a primary ingredient. White people can’t even eat non white food without putting cheese on it, an act which might as well be called the Anglo-Saxonization of cuisine.

Why so much love from white folks? I don’t think I’ve ever ran into a white person who considered himself a cheese connoisseur. But we all know that’s a front. Try going into a specifically white grocer (Whole Foods or Trader Joe’s) and you’ll see that half the goddamn store is cheese. Try asking a white person about their favorite type of gruyere, and they’ll probably talk your ear off for a full hour. Even the name of the protein in cheese, caesin, sounds like it’s a direct reference to honkies.

There are two possible explanations for this widespread, Anglo-Saxon admiration of cultured dairy products. One is that the casomorphins in cheeses, which are actually mild opiods, have a much greater impact on the Caucasoid genotypes. The other? A lot of black people are lactose intolerant, and the white man sure does enjoy having something the Afro-American can’t.


For white people, there is no greater drug than caffeine, nor one more vital to their existence. Forget alcohol, crank and nicotine, the 21st century honk’s preferred addictive substance is without question coffee -- slow-roasted, slow-brewed, free-trade, all-organic java.

Of course, it can't just be any old type of coffee. If you serve the genotypical white a cup of Folgers instant coffee, he would probably spit it out in your face and blame it on an allergic reaction. Through what can only be described as macro-evolution, the Caucasoid has developed some sort of mitochondrial admiration for "good" coffee, which is basically anything that's two or three times more expensive than a regular cup of Joe. Even Starbucks, long considered the lifesblood of the mayonnaise-toned, appears to be falling out of favor with the white masses, who have begun pursuing less "commercialized" and even more overpriced beverages -- preferably, any brand that makes a direct mention to slavery or genital mutilation on its packaging.

Why so much love from white folks? I really racked my brain on this one. On the surface, it seems oh-so-obvious ... since there's literally no other food stuff as black as black coffee, it kind of figures that white folks would enjoy it out of some weird micro-aggressive impulse. However, the white man's real love affair with coffee can be summed up by his love of two other things; ethnic labor and ostentatious consumption. 

There are few things in the world the white man loves more than hard working non white people. Whether its a story about an urban black youth who overcame poverty and street violence or the long, noble journey of immigrant shop keeper, the Caucasoid utterly adores hearing about ethnic minorities displaying tendencies long-associated with successful white businessmen. Juan Valdez is more or less every white person's ideal foreigner; a hard-worker who stays the hell out of America while giving us his delicious cash crops. 

Shit, looking at a list of the world's top coffee-producing countries, it doesn't appear the stuff grows anywhere withing 500 miles of anything remotely resembling a developed, industrial nation. Hence, the white man feels some sort of paternalistic, philanthropic succor every time he pays $7.99 for a cup of Vietnamese green coffee, but really enjoys it because he knows it was probably harvested by an eight-year old child with one leg wearing a Raiden hat in the jungle -- you can literally taste the strife every time you fire up the Keurig. Hence, coffee allows the white man to simultaneously enjoy the misery and toil of poor colored people around the world AND spend frivolous amounts of disposable income on a beverage that's really more about status than quality; and do we even need to bring up the blunt symbolism of the Caucasoid's love of putting WHITE creamer in his or her naturally black drinks?


This might just be the greatest unheralded white stereotype of them all. Caucasians utterly adore cranberries. Every suburban home in America is insured at least one jug of Ocean Spray, and at every white Thanksgiving get-together, it’s the cranberry sauce that runs out first. Whether it's an addendum to a Cosmopolitan or a quick fix to a nasty yeast infection, white folks seem to find any reason to chow down on cranberries and their derivative jams, sauces and drinks.

Hell, white people’s love of cranberries extends to the musical group, the Cranberries -- forget melanin levels, whether or not one owns “Everybody Else is Doing It, So Why Can’t We?” might as well be the gold standard for determining one’s overall Caucasian-ness.

Why so much love from white folks? Biochemically, I'm stumped on this one. Traditionally, cranberries have been cultivated in all the Caucasoid strongholds (Europe and east Asia, primarily), and the crops have long been staples of the agrarian U.S. northwest, which is about as white as white can get without becoming ultraviolet. 

Looking at cranberries on the molecular level, there's really nothing in them that would appear to have an intensified effect on Caucasians. Really, all I've got here is this map, which shows that cranberries don't even think about cropping up anywhere in the world where white people aren't an ethnic majority; could it be that, genetically, white folks have an inherent taste for a fruit that naturally segregates itself from brown people? The answer, as we are all aware of, is "yeah, probably." 


Now here’s one that may surprise a few folks. As we all know, the general racial stereotype involving poultry involves the Afro-American, and his alleged love of fried chicken. The reality? Not only do white people love poultry more than black folks, their adulation of KFC and Church’s might just be even greater than that of their tanner counterparts.

The thing is, the white man’s love of poultry is far more diversified than the black man’s. If it isn’t marinated in Crisco, the typical black person won’t eat it -- conversely, a white person will eat fried, grilled, battered, barbecued and nugget-ified chicken until, ironically, the cows come home. Try waltzing into a Chick-Fil-A at noon on a workday, and scouting out the clientele -- if it isn’t 90 percent white people, I’ll buy you a new hat. It doesn’t matter how classy a restaurant you go into, I assure you there’s some permutation of chicken fingers on the menu -- that’s because chicken, essentially, is the ultimate comfort food for white people.

Why so much love from white folks? Fried chicken is the preeminent poverty food of the Americas. In fact, the entire “fried food” phenomenon -- typically assigned to African Americans, but just as much a part of the lower class Caucasoid American experience -- stems from impoverished farmers making the best out of scant resources. Our sharecropping forefathers fried their chicken because the poultry given to them was rotten; it was the easiest way to make a completely inedible food not only digestible, but freaking delicious, as well.

With that historical tidbit in mind, the modern white person’s love of chicken is either a.) a genetic holdover from their days of agrarian toil, or b.) just another goddamn instance of cultural appropriation. Every time a lily-white suburbanite chows down on an $8.99 buffalo chicken sandwich, what they’re really saying is “ha-ha, fuck you, poor people” -- a modus operandi which has, effectively, become the cultural Tao of the 21st century Caucasoid.


White people are utterly obsessed with oppression. When they convene at dinner parties, you can pretty much set your watch as to when the pallid guests start moaning about all of the ethnoracial strife in the world, much of it, wrought shamefully by their own forefathers. Any time a non-white is subject to tyranny, enslavement, genocide or social persecution, white people seem to join together as a consumer bloc to just bask in the horribleness of the situation. Although routinely middle to upper class suburbanites, white people feel a soulful solidarity with downtrodden minorities. Those starving Congolese, white people will tell you, are indeed their brother-man.

The only thing the white man loves more than wallowing in the misery of others is wallowing in the misery of others and then wallowing in ethnoracial remorse afterwards. Not only does he love feeling sorry for how bad others have it, he really gets off on shaming himself for being responsible for the miserable conditions minorities face. Above even air and water, there is no substance as vital for the Caucasoid than culpability.

Why so much love from white folks? You’d think that the honks’ utter obsession with the oppression of colored individuals would be some sort of genetic throwback to the days of Jim Crow, but you sir or madam, would be wronger than the term “wronger,” which is grammatically incorrect on several levels.

You see, white people’s fascination with the torture and marginalization of others is actually rooted in a masochistic desire to be dominated and subjugated themselves. There’s some sort of bizarre sexual dynamic at play here, to be sure; that’s why CEOs pay hookers thousands of dollars to burn them with cigarettes and spit in their mouths while bored housewives across American fantasize about being “Fifty Shaded” by the pool boy and half a grand in abstruse sex toys. When Caucasians view a film like “12 Years a Slave” or “Schindler’s List,” they do so with an almost perverse sense of envy, through the lens of a peoples who oh-so-desperately yearn to taste pain and ostracism themselves. For once, they want to be the one’s getting the ass-end of a whip, to be the ones who shame the shameful majority for their long history of misdoings and misdeeds. More than anything, the white person wants to be a victim, to be the downtrodden, to be the screwee as opposed to the screwer.

In short? They want to live the way their ancestors lived ... a suspiciously undiscussed historical antecedent most woeful white folks are, oh so curiously, all but oblivious to.

1 comment:

  1. I agree about dogs and coffee. You should've added alcohol too.


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