Monday, June 29, 2015


Is this the iconic limited-time-only foodstuff of Summer 2015?

The same way every summer has a defining movie and song, I think the season also has its own signature snack food. There were a whole heck of a lot of contenders last year, ranging from vanilla float Dr. Pepper to Mama Celeste's special edition all-white pizzas, but when I reflect back on Summer '14, I instantly think of Nabisco's Fruit Punch Oreos. I didn't really like them, per se, but I still ate a ton of them -- the vague memory of their taste and texture feels me with the very same kind of nostalgia I receive when that one Tegan and Sara song comes on the radio. You know, the one about being Canadian and lesbian. Yeah, that one.

The same way those weird sandwich cookies came to define the summer of '14, I reckon the newfangled S'mores Oreos will come to define the summer of '15. Sure, sure, we've already tried some kooky-flavored Oreos earlier this summer, but there are actually quite a few noteworthy things about the S'moreos that make them quite different from any previous (insert weird flavor here)-LTO Oreo product.

To begin, it's not just that the sandwich cookie contains an unorthodox interior creme. No siree, we've done that to death. In addition to the fusion marshmallow/chocolate gunk, the actual Oreo cookies themselves are graham cracker flavored, which if I am not mistaken, is the very first time one of these novelty products changed not only the creme components of the standard product, but even the exterior toppers. This, needless to say, can lead to a revolution in LTO, novelty-flavored Oreos in the future. Just imagine all the crazy combinations we can work with here, like a Neapolitan-flavored Oreo, with one vanilla cookie topper, strawberry creme and a chocolate bottom topper! Just when you think Nabsico has given up on us, they do something like that to restore our faith in weirdbeard marketing ploys. Good bless 'em, each and every employee they have working for them.

Seeing as how I've written about the core concept of Oreos at least a dozen times by now, excuse me if my overview of the product seems particularly lifeless. Alas, for the uninitiated, we are dealing with your standard twist-top sandwich cookie formula -- that means two pieces of graham cracker flavored toppers and a whole bunch of mushy chocolate marshmallow creme in-between. As a side note, I actually left my box of cookies in the trunk of my car overnight. During the middle of summer. In Atlanta. I actually had to put the things in the freezer afterwards, since the stuffing had melted into this weird grey puddle clinging to the bottom of the plastic sleeves. 

SEE! I never bullshit you people, even when it would behoove me. And if you think the sight was ghastly, you should've smelled this thing; frankly, I'm STILL not sure how I would categorize that sickeningly sweet aroma.

Alas, as an individual who doesn't care about things like "dysentery," I popped these sumbitches in the icebox and merely waited for them to become edible again. Leading further credence to my hypothesis that Oreos creme is actually "The Stuff," the creme seemed to reassemble itself into its natural state astonishingly well. A good two hours in the deep freeze, and you never would have suspected these things were fondue earlier in the day. 

Now, as for the product's taste, you ask? Well, it was pretty good, but frankly, I've never been a huge fan of S'mores to begin with. I'm not really sure if I would say the creme tasted like a good mixture of Hershey's and marshmallow. In fact, it tasted like normal Oreos creme to me, which is surprising, since Nabsico could have easily used the same goddamn flavor they used on their watermelon, fruit punch AND cotton candy permutations and nobody really would have been the wiser. The graham cracker taste, however, IS quite palpable, and really made the overall product pop. As I said earlier, the big thing about these S'mores is that it theoretically paves the way for more tri-flavored offerings in the future. Shit, the same company has already given us root beer flavored cookies, so it's really only a matter of time before they launch hamburger flavored Oreos. Remember, I said that here first.

So, how can a product I didn't really like be considered the novelty foodstuff of the summer? Well, it's the same way the respective song and film of the summer can likewise be terrible yet utterly idiosyncratic. "The Avengers" wasn't exactly great cinema, but when I reflect back on the Summer of 2012, that's the first movie I think about (despite that being the same season a ton of truly great films, like "Hara Kiri: Death of a Samurai" and "Ai Wei Wei: Never Sorry," were released.) Furthermore, whenever I think "Summer 2010," I can't help but hear "Party in the USA" in my mind's jukebox. It's just tethered to the times, as inseparable from the epoch as chocolate mush from marshmallow goop in a melted S'moreos jamboree. I can imagine this conversation taking place throughout America in 2018: "Hey remember that one year Oreos made S'mores-flavored Oreos? Man, that stuff sucked." Hey, something doesn't have to be good, necessarily, to drum up nostalgic musics. Isn't that right, America-flavored Twizzlers?

Oh, and one last thing before I call it "quits" on this thing. At first, I was thinking about including a lengthy spiel about how the marshmallow/chocolate dichotomy was a secret metaphor for the state of contemporary U.S. race relations (a.k.a, the "Ikaruga" argument,) but then, I noticed something much, MUCH more interesting: the interior creme of one of my cookies looked JUST LIKE a motherfucking penguin head. LOOK AT THAT AND HOW ADORABLE IT IS. Not in a million-billion years could pure circumstance result in such a wondrous, impromptu design. That leads me to think that a.) someone at Nabisco is all about the animal iconography, or b.) God exists, and one of his favorite hobbies is decorative food arts. Either way, this shit is up on eBay if you want it -- $1,000 USD, or best offer. You know, as long as I don't eat it first ... which is something I can never, ever promise.

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