Monday, June 15, 2015

Taco Bell's All New TACO BISCUITS!

Surely, it has to be a better menu item than the waffle taco, right?

It's been a while since I last wrote about Taco Bell. Alas, that's what happens when the best you can give the general public are quesadillas masquerading as nachos ... come on guys, we all know we're having the wool pulled over our eyes on that one

Of course, there are a few new additions to the Taco Bell breakfast menu, and I recently woke up before noon for a change to try a few of them. Anchoring the new wave of morning-time products is the "Taco Biscuit," which is ... well, pretty much exactly what it sounds like, I guess. The Bell is offering a pretty lengthy set of permutations of the item; you can get one with egg and cheese, sausage and egg, and sausage and cheese only, or you can spring another dollar and get the two marquee variations, the egg, cheese AND bacon biscuit taco and the egg, cheese AND sausage biscuit taco. Obviously, if we're going to cover these products in-depth, we have to try the deluxe edition; I know the readers here at IIIA expect absolutely nothing less in terms of semi-sincere fast food journalism. And as an added bonus (as opposed to one of those rare subtracted bonuses), I even plunked down some change for a newer-ish Crunchwrap product, which is we all know by now, is among the greatest delicacies ever presented by a national food chain. And I am being 100 percent honest about that, I think. 

So first up, we've got our sausage, egg and cheese taco biscuit. In case you were wondering, we are indeed working with a legitimate flour biscuit base here, although it may appear as if the animal byproduct contents are housed inside a chalupa tortilla. 

I am not really sure how the product fares compared to your standard Egg McMuffin, since I haven't really tried a fast food biscuit in like, 10 or so years. I don't know if it is my mind working against me or the product itself is that starchy, but I really had a bit of difficulty swallowing the dough. It was super duper salty, which is something you really don't expect from a Taco Bell product. After a few chews, I was able to gulp it down sans incident, but just to be on the safe side? If you plan on eating one of these things, I HIGHLY suggest having a beverage nearby. 

The other taco biscuit, strangely enough, did not look anything like its menu stablemate. Here, the cheese seemed to almost seal the taco biscuit shut like an envelope, with the yellowy-egg contents flowing from the sides of the item like a set of yolky jug handles.

Strangely enough, the bacon, egg and cheese taco biscuit was something of a misnomer, since the contents therein were actually much closer to being bacon bits than legitimate bacon strips. Even weirder, the bacon bits were literally buried underneath the eggs, residing in this shadowy, subcutaneous cavern near the bottom of the biscuit. From a logistical standpoint, the problem here should be obvious -- every time you tilt the taco biscuit to take a bite, half the goddamn bacon rolls out the other side. Granted, it's not exactly a problem that's unsolvable (if you pinch the corners of the biscuit shut, nowhere near as much salted pork flows out), but it's still a bit of a nuisance, especially for a breakfast item meant to be eaten on the go. 

As decent as the Taco Biscuits where, however, if you stop by any Taco Bell in the morning and don't walk away with some kind of Crunchwrap permutation, you've failed life and hard. Seeing as how I've already tried out the gravy sausage and California avocado blends, I decided to try out the only A.M. Crunchwrap offering that, up to this point, I haven't wrapped my lips and bicuspids around; the steak, egg and cheese variation.

As expected, the stuff was just dynamite. Never in a million years what I have thought smashing a hashbrown inside a tortilla and marinating the inside with chipotle sauce would've led to a superlative fast food offering, but paint me all shades of wrong, folks. Really, this concept has no boundaries; I am convinced you could chunk Spam and pineapple rings inside one of these things and it would still taste marvelous. Needless to say, the steak, egg and cheese 'Wrap was an utter delight, and in my humblest o' opinions, worlds better than either of the taco biscuits I tried. It's no skin off the proverbial tits of the biscuits, though; they were quite good for what they were, but frankly, outside of the weird shape, they weren't anything you couldn't pick up at a gas station. This Crunchwrap though? There's only one place in the freaking world you can get one of those, and I reckon it's some of the best money you'll spend on any kind of breakfast offering, fast food or otherwise. That kind of begs the question, however: why isn't Taco Bell selling these babies all day long? I await your response, Bell ... me and everybody else in America. 



One of my biggest complaints about Taco Bell has always been the sauce selections. Not only did they take away that really savory, smoky salsa that used to come in a purple packet, the so-called "fire sauce" the establishment has been touting as its "hottest" condiment is one of the most pitifully weak offerings of its kind at any restaurant. At least the guys at Huddle House leave a bottle of Tapatio to sprinkle on your omelets -- at the Bell, we are afforded no such luxuries.

While Del Taco tends to lose the overall food quality battle, they've no doubt trumped Taco Bell in terms of sauces for years now. Well, much to my jubilant surprise, I recently learned that T.B. has begun offering an all new "Diablo Sauce," and fellas, it does NOT disappoint. The packaging alone is just bad-ass, a pitch black packet with about two dozen scorching hell fires emblazoned upon it. Before you even open this sucker up, you just know it's going to tear your tongue a new asshole. You know, if tongues actually had assholes and stuff. 

It's kind of hard to describe the overall taste and texture of the sauce, but I assure you it is nothing at all like the puny "fire sauce" offering. In addition to have a spicy kick that at least equals Del Taco's hottest salsa, the newfangled Diablo Sauce is also a lot smokier and chunkier, with a nice, meaty flavor that really adds some texture to your burrito. Not only is it hot as hell, it's also flavorful as hell, and it really gels quite well with a whole host of Bell offerings. I'm not quite sure if it is a regional-only item or something that's gone nationwide, but the next time you're near a Taco Bell, feel free to waltz on in there and ask the manager if he or she has a couple of packets in yet. And then, when their back is turned, stuff about 20 of the motherfuckers into your pockets ... remember, the unspoken social code considers condiments public amenities, and are therefore free to all. 


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