Sunday, September 13, 2015

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play from Week 1's Raiders vs. Bengals Game


By: Jimbo X

4:11 P.M -- Gametime is about ten minues away. The Seattle/St. Louis game has yet to be decided, and how about them Bills with the upset over the Colts?

4:16 P.M -- WR Andre Holmes and TE Clive Wolford will be Gametime decisions. but ESPN has them listed as probables.

4:31 P.M -- Cincinnati on the opening drive. It's about a two and seven in striking distance.

4:32 P.M -- ...and a completion puts the Bengals in the red zone.Second and goal coming up.

4:33 P.M -- Third down and one situation. The Raiders need a huge stop here. And CIN takes a timeout.

4:35 P.M -- and the Raiders D makes the stop! But the Bengals are going for it on fourth and one!

4:37 P.M -- TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Jeremy Hill rushes to put CIN on the board first.

4:40 P.M. -- Just learned the Raiders actually HAD the ball first but went three and out. Their total yardage on the opening drive? A piss-poor five.

4:41 P.M. -- Second and ten for OAK. And Carr misses by a mile. Third and ten. And Carr on the run hits an open receiver for a first down!

4:44 P.M -- And Marcel Reece drops a midfiield pass. Two and 15. Third and 14 coming up. Carr racks up some yards, but it's not enough for the first. OAK has to punt, and CIN takes possession with about four minutes left in the first. 

4:49 P.M -- Secon and about five for CIN. They really should not have converted on that fourth and one, let alone scored a freaking touchdown. And the Bengals easily pound it in for a first down.

4:50 P.M. -- I have no clue if Aldon Smith is playing, but so far, this defenseive line has looked porous as hell.

4:51 P.M. -- Nate Allen is on the bench. Thankfully, Dalton overthrows a long bomb on first down. Third down coming up. A stop would be big here. And the Raiders D FINALLY takes CIN off the field.

4:54 P.M -- The Raiders will start the next drive at their own ten. Meanwhile, the Lions are clobbering the Chargers 21-3 while the Titans are murdering the Bucs 21-0.

4:57 P.M -- Second down for OAK. Coopers gets lit up at midfield, but a personal foul on CIN gives OAK a first down. And Latavioous rushes for seven!

4:59 P.M -- A third and short situation. And a false start on OAK makes it a longer field. And Amari FINALLY breaks free! Huge pick-up, plus the first. And the first ends with the Raiders locking up a personal foul. Fantastic.

5:02 P.M -- Latavious picks up about a yard or two on first down. A second down rush puts OAK at 3 and 6. Cooper can't reel it in, so the Raiders have to punt. CIN begins their next drive within their own ten. Now would be a good time for the OAK D to start putting the pressure on Andy Dalton.

5:08 P.M -- Justin Tuck stuffs the ballcarrier on first down. Alas, Dalton hits an open man down the middle, enough for a first down.

5:10 P.M. -- Defense is looking better, but the secondary still looks weak. And CIN racks up a ton of yards for a first down and then some. At midfield. And another strike puts the Bengals at the Raiders 20. FML.

5:12 P.M -- Third and four. OAK needs a stop here in the worst possible way. And CIN takes a timeout.  And the Raiders drop the ballcarrier behind the line of scrimage. Out comes the CIN field goal crew. And that makes it 10-0, CIN.

5:16 P.M -- The Bengals have about 160 yards, while the Raiders have just 70 on the day. And OAK will begin their next drive from their own 20.

5:18 P.M. -- Murray with a run up the middle for about five yards. Ooh boy, flags all over the field. Jamize Olawalwe has a 60 yard run negated on a personal foul. Dude tried to rip Amari's helmet off, and doesn't get ejected?

5:24 P.M -- Third down for OAK. And Derek Carr scrambles for the first down! Actually, he fumbled about a yard short of the pick-up. My god.

5:27 P.M. -- Looks like Carr is hurt. And the Raiders DON'T convert on fourth down. F.M.L. So hard.

5:30 P.M. -- CIN starts at midfield. And the Charles Woodson gets called for unneccesary roughness. Except he doesnt. A third and five situation for CIN. And MCGLOIN is warming up his arm on the sideline. And AJ Green reels it in, putting the Bengals well within the red zone. 

5:33 P.M -- Second and a few feet near the Raiders five. And its short. Third down coming up, with about three minutes left in the first half. And the D registers a holding, so CIN gets a free first down.

5:35 P.M -- TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Jeremy Hill runs it in, and to add insult to injury, procedes to do the Icky Shuffle as a post-TD celebration. 

5:36 P.M -- 17-0 Cincinnati. And McGloin is our QB, with the Raiders down two touchdowns and a field goal. Is it too early to forefeit the whole season?

5:37 P.M -- Hey, the Bengals are called offsides. Good to see they got that one at least. OAK starting at their own 20. And McGloin gets sacked. Jesus Hernandez Christ. Two minute warning is upon us, mercifully.

5:50 P.M. -- It's 24-0 CIN. At halftime. Which means it is officially time to break out this fall favorite...

5:51 P.M. --

5:53 P.M. -- Me: "It's Ok if you want to start seeing other people after this date."
                   Girlfriend: "It's Ok, I just want to see another team."

5:57 P.M. -- I don't even know where to begin right now. This team has played like utter shit in every conceivable category, and that was WHEN our QB of the future was in the game. 

5:59 P.M -- Yardage count: 265 for CIN, 106 for OAK. The Bengals have 15 first downs, while the Raiders have just 4. 

6:02 P.M. -- The Raiders sideline is putting flowers on the bench for Ken Stabler. Might as well be a funeral for this team's season, too.

6:05 P.M. -- And the Bengals get the ball first. At this point, the only real competition is whether the Bengals can beat their franchise high score for largest margin of victory.

6:07 P.M. -- You know, football is a lot more relaxing when you KNOW you're not going to win. Keeps the heartrate down and whatnot. Bengals on a third and two. And they take a timeout.

6:08 P.M. -- Remember back in the glory days of 2010 and 2011, when the Raiders actually won games sometime? I never thought I would say this, but man, do I miss me some Jason Campbell right around now.

6:11 P.M. -- And the Raiders make a stop. Of course, they would choose to show up in the game now. And D.J. Hayden is hurt. Fantastic. And OAK gets possession on their own 30. 

6:13 P.M. -- Cooper with a quick pick up from McGloin fior a first down. Second and ten. AND MCGLOIN THROWS AN INT. I died in my sleep last night, and this is the hell I am forced to endure over and over again for all eternity.

6:17 P.M. -- The original author of this blog has crawled under the table and died. No, really. His soul shattered before my eyes. So I, his cool girlfriend, will be taking over from here. 

6:18 P.M. -- So I began reading a new book while this catastrophe of a game went on. It is called "The Good Girl," by...I can't remember. It is about kidnapping and family secrets and it makes me feel way, WAY happier than watching this game.

6:20 P.M. -- Ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how he did it, but Jimbo has found the will to live and is back at the keyboard. Have fun, and check out the "The Good Girl," when you are finished crying your tears of defeat. <3 <3 <3 Jen

6:23 P.M. -- ...apparently, suffering in a lake of sulphur and brimstone for all eternity isn't as bad as having to be a Raiders fan in the mortal coil. Hence, I MUST continue calling this game. 

6:25 P.M. -- So I saw John Madden and Mark Davis in the suites talking it up. Could the city of Oakland just sell its players to other teams to upgrade its sewers or something? Like, literally sell the entire team, including its lockers and field-tending equipment? Please?

6:27 P.M. -- Marcus Mariotta has four touchdowns and counting for Tennesee. Meanwhile, Amari Coopers has a jersey that's still pretty clean.

6:28 P.M. -- Seven minutes to go in the third. Eventually, the corpse will stop bleeding, right? 

6:29 P.M -- Heading into the season, I thought the cornerbacks were the Raiders biggest defensive weakness. As i turns out, the Raiders biggest defensive weakness is its entire damn defense.

6:31 P.M. -- And good god, that front seven is Swiss cheese weak. Folks, this team may be even WORSE than last year's 13-3 squad. 

6:32 P.M. -- TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. But the Raiders block the extra point! Which means...well, absolutely nothing, to be honest.

6:34 P.M. -- 30-0, Cincinnati. And McGloin fumbles the damn ball. Cincy takes over in Raiders territory.

6:38 P.M. -- Third down coming up for the Bengals. McGloin is sitting on the bench, looking like he swallowed a thermometer. 

6:41 P.M. -- The Bengals launch a field goal, and that makes it 33-0. Jack Del Rio has already been fired, I think.

6:42 P.M. -- Oakland Colliseum could double as a frown convention this afternoon. and here comes our QB of the future...MATT MCGLOIN. 

6:44 P.M. -- And the third quarter ends with the Raiders still looking for their first points of the day, and me still looking for a reason to wake up tomorrow morning.

6:56 P.M. -- Third and nine for CIN. They don't convert, although I am thinking about converting to a better team. 

6:57 P.M. -- Didn't we used to have Carson Palmer? Shit, I doubt JaMarcus Russell would be playing any WORSE. 

6:59 P.M. -- Fourth and one. Twelve unbelivably painful minutes left in the game. But OAK manages to get the first. Folks, you don't know what grasping for straws is until you've put on the Silver and Black. 

7:01 P.M. -- The back is hit for a loss. Third and at least ten for OAK. Another fourth down coming up. And Cooper with a huge pickup, but alas, ANYTHING the Raiders do at this point is for naught. Shit, if they can just put A point on the board in this one, I am celebrating.

7:05 P.M. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Marcel Reece hauls in a laser from McGloin, probably because the Bengals feel sorry for them and whatnot. 33-7 CIN with about seven minutes left in this pointless, pointless game. 

7:07 P.M. -- Yardage estimates: CIN, 374, OAK, 204.

7:09 P.M. -- Even better, looks like all of the Raiders' divisional foes won today, too.

7:11 P.M. -- About five minutes to go, and OAK gets the ball at midfield. A third and six situation coming up. Looks like OAK converts. Two minute warning approaching. Third and six again, but there is a flag on Cincy.

7:17 P.M. -- TOUCHDOWN RAIDERS. Reece with another reception. And the two point conversion is no good.

7:18 P.M. -- This is about as demoralizing a loss that I can imagine for the Raiders. Who knows how severe Carr's hand injury is. If he's out ANY number of games, those are automatic losses for the Raiders. Virtually nothing looked good about OAK today. Not. A. Damned. Thing.

7:22 P.M. -- 389 yards for CIN, 246 for OAK. Bengals just looking to run out the clock here.

7:24 P.M. -- And now CHARLES WOODSON is injured. This season is so dead, we ought to just chunk it in the casket already.

7:25 P.M -- That's all she wrote from Oakland. Our final score: Bengals, 33, Raiders, 13.

7:26 P.M. -- I hate football ... with a passion.


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