Thursday, December 3, 2015

The New Taco Bell Boss Wraps ... REVIEWED!

Are you man enough to chow down on two of the biggest honkin' burritos ever mass-manufactured by a fast food company? NO YOU ARE NOT. Maybe.

By: Jimbo X

LIKE A BOSS. I don't even know what that means, nor do I even know where the phrase originates from, to be honest. Sure, I could hit up the Urban Dictionary, but you know what? After putting down two of the largest Taco Bell products released in recent memory, I don't feel like doing shit. Except not moving and letting the cheese coagulate in my arteries. 

Indeed, it's been quite some time since I last did a review of Taco Bell produce. Is it just me, or does the Bell seem to be cutting back on the sheer volume of novelty foodstuffs being churned out? That, and it seems like they are pushing these experimental items for a longer duration of time - I swear, they were hawking those damn "Daredevil" Loaded Grillers that look and taste nearly identical for at least three months. 

Which brings us to the newfangled Boss Wraps. I suppose the best way to describe them would be like crunch wraps, except WAY bigger and with way more stuff jammed inside 'em. As in, a whole dadgum hard shell tortilla, just hanging out inside the flour tortilla exterior shell like some sort of Tex-Mex stowaway. 

As you can see from the above photo, these things are big and bulky. With the naked eye, you can pick up all of the chunky bulges of steak and if you have a really keen eye for fast food Mexican, you might even be able to spot the subterranean sour cream pool on the right-hand wrap.

These being grilled steak offerings, of course, they are a bit pricier than the average Taco Bell selection. The two permutations of Boss Wrap cost five smackers plus taxes, but considering their overall girth - and the high quotient of interior stuffings - that's a fairly reasonable price. And as a man who can eat a LOT of Taco Bell, let me be the first to tell you - two of these sumbitches in one sitting are MORE than enough to fill you up.

As for your options, you've got two paths to choose from. On one end, you've got the Fully Loaded Boss Wrap, which is one of the few Taco Bell items to include a guacamole as a primary ingredient. The other is the Steak and Potato Boss Wrap, which contains ... well, if you can't figure this one out, I'd reckon that's an automatic drug test. 

Let's begin with the Fully Loaded variation, shall we? As the name suggests, it has quite a bit of material wedged inside it, including:
  • Guac (as stated before, a real rarity for the franchise)
  • Sour cream
  • Three cheese Mexican blend
  • Diced tomatoes (they say it's pico, but it's not really pico)
  • Lettuce (I think it's an Iceberg double blend) 
  • A nice chipotle sauce (which doesn't really show up in the photo)
  • Steak (a shocker, I know)
  • A motherfucking hard shell tortilla (sorry, I have a hard time getting over that)

It actually took me way longer than it should have to figure out the "proper" way to eat this thing. You see, you don't nibble on it longways like a crunch wrap, you have to literally roll this bastard up like a newspaper and chew on it as if you were eating a XXL burrito. Considering the size of this beast, that's not exactly the most intuitive feeling in the world; and yes, you know shit starts flowing out of it as soon as you take the first bite. That said, it was nonetheless a yummy product, with the three sauces - guac, sour cream and proprietary chipotle - all coalescing into a remarkable confluence of flavors (chuacour cream, I nicknamed it.) As for the rest of the mix? The steak is adequately juicy and chewy, but it's most certainly not the high-quality fajita beef you'd get at a "real" Mexican eatery. The cheeses kind of tasted different (but not really) and - pardon the redundancy - fuck having that hard shell tortilla in there for no reason

And here's the Fully Loaded Boss Wrap's running mate, the Steak and Potato Boss Wrap. Gustatorily, this one actually tastes quite a bit different from its cohort, and for good reason: it, uh, has different stuff in it, I guess. As far as the ingredients go, here is a quick rundown:
  • Sour cream
  • Three cheese Mexican blend
  • Little tater tot thingies
  • Pieces of bacon (which are probably just pieces of Bacon Bits they keep in the back)
  • Steak 
  • A fuckin' great ranch chipotle sauce I could probably drink as a standalone beverage (more on that later)
  • Once again, an utterly needless hard shell tortilla

Now this one, I really liked. Granted, it is a bit of a pell-mell assortment of ingredients, and yes, at first sight, it looks more like the contents of a slop bucket poured inside a tortilla than something you would actually want to eat, but believe it or not, all of it somehow comes together as a particularly zesty fast food offering. There is a nice mouth-feel to the product, with the crispy tots, crunchy pork bits and chewy steak pieces providing a nice confluence of tastes and textures. Here, the hard shell tortilla actually makes some degree of sense, and it completes the other materials quite well. However, the thing really putting this variation over the top has to be the stellar chipotle ranch sauce, which is arguably the best semi-liquid additive Taco Bell has ever produced - yes, even better than the much-ballyhooed Volcano Sauce. All in all, this is just a top-notch, super-filling offering - although, in my humblest o' opinions, the thing would have been even better with shredded chicken instead of shredded steak. Oh well - guess we will just have to wait for the inevitable redux in six months' time, no?

So there you have it, folks. The Boss Wraps are pretty solid, if not a tad overpriced, menu additions to the venerated Taco Bell line-up, that while hardly creative, are at least fairly tasty and filling. If you can only afford one, I'd definitely vouch for the Steak and Potato mix, if only for that superb ranch dressing filling (no hard feelings against the guacamole loaded one, but the hard shell tortilla just ain't gelling there at all.) It's not the best Taco Bell product to come along this year, but it is certainly above-grade; let's just hope its "success" doesn't goad the Bell into hiking up prices for future limited-time-only offerings ... or wedging more hard shell tortillas inside things that don't need them whatsoever.


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