Saturday, January 23, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists OUTRAGED ... before they forget all about them in just a few days.

By: Jimbo X

#OscarsSoWhite, #ButCriticismSoHypocritical

For the second year in a row, no African-American people have been nominated for one of the big four acting categories at the Academy Awards. This brazen lack of diversity has inspired several black Hollywood heavy hitters to take to the Web and protest, including Spike Lee, who is most certainly not pissy because his satire about Chicago's gun violence epidemic being solved by women going on a sex strike was a box office bust, and Jada Pinkett Smith, who is OBVIOUSLY not being a sourpuss about her husband not getting a nod for putting on quite possibly the worst Nigerian accent anyone in history has or could ever attempt. Despite some unforgivably level-headed anti-protest remarks from the director of Menace II Society and the original Aunt Viv from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, non-entertainment yapping heads  have nonetheless been vocal with their displeasure. On Twitter, The Rev. Al Sharpton compared Hollywood to the Rocky Mountains, stating "the higher u climb, the whiter." Of course, that's more than a bit inaccurate, seeing as how the president of the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences is a black woman, and that Paramount Pictures, Walt Disney, Sony Pictures, Warner Bros., MGM and Universal are all run by Ashkenazi JewsOh, and the most powerful man in the Screen Actors Guild, the national movie star labor union? As it turns out ... he's kind of black. Looking at the hard data, even the assumption that black actors aren't earning their fair share of Oscar nods is a load of it; since 2000, black actors - who represent roughly 10 percent of all SAG actors - have received 10 percent of all Academy Award nominations, and they are actually winning them at a rate disproportionate not only to their SAG baseline, but even the nationally representative one. Blacks in total only represent 12 percent of the U.S. population, but they're taking home 15 percent of all acting Oscars in the 21st century. Which sort of begs the question, if it's so bad for Caucasian actors to represent a lion's share of professional actors, then shouldn't we also collectively be outraged by the disproportionate number of black athletes in the NBA and the NFL, or the fact that 20 percent of all Nobel Prizes go to Jewish individuals (despite the fact they only make up 0.2 percent of the global population?) Alas, let's see just how much traction those #SuperBowlSoBlack and #EconomicsSoHebrew hashtags pick up...

Clueless Star Chastised for Chastising BET

Speaking of the #OscarsSoWhite brouhaha, the controversy has given us one of the most hilarious Twitter wars in quite some time. On an episode of Fox & Friends, Stacey Dash - i.e., that super hot black chick from Clueless who is only one-thirds actually black - said it was pretty hypocritical for Melanated-Americans to rip on the Academy Awards when BET and its eponymous awards show seem to embrace ethnoracial isolationism. Naturally, this led to BET and its president Stephen Hill berating her online - to which she responded with a bevy of linguistic knockout blows, stating BET stokes racial embers, encourages segregation and is hypocritical for not wanting ethnic diversity on their own platform. "My problem goes back to the notion that every arena of life needs to break down exactly according to the demographic ratios," she said, "except in those arenas in which black people have decided they want to have their own space." 

A Dozen Children of Slain Black Man Get to Attend College for Free

Last July, Samuel Dubose was shot and killed by a University of Cincinnati police officer. On Martin Luther King, Jr. Day - which I am sure is just a coincidence - the university announced it would pay DuBose's family $4.85 million, give them a personal apology from the university's president, erect a monument to DuBose - who was arrested on marijuana charges no less than 25 times - on campus and, the kicker, grant tuition free undergraduate education to all 12 of Dubose's children - a sum tantamount to half a million smackers. Now, I am no scholar when it comes to affirmative action, but that just reeks of "pending lawsuit" to me. So, uh, if the Dubose kids' can't pass the entrance exam and tank the S.A.T.s - posting scores way lower than the school's bare minimum - do they still get in? And what if they get in and the first semester, they flunk all their classes? Will the university keep financing them as they fail course after course, or will the professors just give them a "C-" and push 'em on out to a diploma anyway? It's no doubt tragic what happened to the DuBose family, but in the long haul, one has to wonder if this "reward" isn't taking the white guilt penance a bit too far. And of course, this means the state of Louisiana is going to give free LSU tuition to the family of the six-year-old autistic child who was shot and killed by black policemen last November, and that the child Dillon Thomas never got to see be born gets his pick between a free Utah or Utah State degree, right? 

A Birthday Cake for George Washington yanked from bookstores

Hey, remember the Scholastic Book Fair when you were a kid, and they rolled out those metal book shelves and you could convince your mama to give you $20 to spend on some overpriced picture book that you read once and never looked at again? Well, one of the more modern Scholastic offerings ain't generating a whole lot of positive press: A Birthday Cake for George Washington, an illustrated book based on old wooden teeth's personal chef, has been pulled from circulation for what some have described as "whitewashing" the abject awfulness of slavery. Following a petition to yank the title off Amazon (which, really, is the modern day equivalent of book-burning), Scholastic officially capitulated and ordered a recall. Interestingly, the book was penned by a half black Iranian and edited by Andrea Davis Pinkney, a black woman and Coretta Scott King Award recipient. Strangely, the furor comes shortly after another illustrated offering, A Fine Dessert, drew similar criticisms for not making slavery out to be the absolute worst thing human beings have ever done to one another. Which means, yes, over the course of a year, we have somehow been able to have not one, but two controversies emerge surrounding children's books seeking to explain American slavery through the central motif of pastries. 

Black Protesters Block San Francisco Bay Bridge to take Stand Against ... uh, something?

To commemorate the life and legacy of a man who copied and pasted his way through college and was told he was "too good" to marry a poor white woman, several protesters decided the best way to honor MLK was to make traffic near the San Francisco Bay Bridge really shitty for a half hour. Two dozen representatives of the #BLM offshoots Black Seed and the Black Queer Liberation Collective staged a stand-in Jan. 18, halting bridge-bound motorists for 30 minutes and creating one of the worst traffic backups to hit the Bay Area since the Oakland Raiders were any good. In a joint statement, the groups said they were blocking the lanes to bring about "divestment of city funds in policing, investment in affordable housing, the resignation of Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf, the termination of San Francisco Police Chief Greg Suhr and Oakland Police Chief Sean Whent and the termination of police officers involved in several recent shootings." The road-blockade tactic has been employed elsewhere, most notably in Atlanta, Boston and Minneapolis. Alas, those demonstrations proved little more than juvenile posturing that failed to bring about any sort of public policy change. Apparently, making people wait even fucking longer in traffic - shockingly - might not be the best way to get people to rally behind your causes. 

Cognitive Dissonance Reigns Supreme When Beloved Black Liberal Writer Attacks Beloved White Liberal Politician

In a Democratic idol smackdown, liberals of all hues of the rainbow are chomping their nails down to bloody red meat now that Ta-Nehisi Coates - the author of the supremely overrated tome Between the World and Me that all of the enlightened types claim to have read but haven't even looked up on Wikipedia - has turned his ire towards Democratic presidential candidate (and horrible mathematician) Bernie Sanders. Writing for The Atlantic, Coates rails against Sanders, simply for the fact that he said he was against issuing reparations to the descendants of slaves (the black ones, not the white ones, and especially not the white ones who were enslaved by Africans.) "One cannot propose to plunder a people, incur a moral and monetary debt [and] propose to never pay it back," Coates states, which in a roundabout manner, also serves as a damning rejoinder to Sanders' fleet of proposed entitlement program expansions. Intriguingly, this has led to a number of Sander's most ardent Afro-American defenders to mercilessly attack Coates - among them, Sanders' ATL BFF Killer Mike. At least one melanated Sanders supporter saw Coates' essay as a furtive endorsement of a certain presidential candidate who, on at least one occasion, has allowed Bill Clinton's sperm to penetrate her Alcatraz-like womb. "To me, it became automatically disingenuous and became a hit piece - a powder puff piece to support Hillary Clinton - because you are trying to make Bernie Sanders go through the hoops you would not dare ask of Hilary Clinton," said renowned African American YouTuber Benjamin Dixon. "Who has asked Hillary Clinton about reparations and wrote an intellectual thought piece from the pen of someone with such political influence in the black community? Nobody."

Dementia Addled Nonagenarians To Be Put on Trial for Crimes Against Humanity

While Germany is currently besieged by a flood of women-hating Muslim rapists victims of American imperialism who are slowly learning and adapting to modern European culture, the Krauts have turned their judicial organs towards ironically rounding up the last of the alleged Nazis and putting them on trial for their atrocious, murderous behavior. Of course, both 95-year-old Hubert Zafke and 94-year Reinhold Hanning served what could only be described as infinitesimal roles in the S.S. - the former was a low-ranking Auschwitz medic and the latter is merely suspected of maybe being a guard at Auschwitz for a year -  and major questions surround their respective mental competencies to stand trial. Sure, it may be nothing more than a charade to make all those terribly confused Huns and Heinies feel a little bit better about themselves (as well as deflect their contemporary worries about an unacceptable target back to the most acceptable target in the history of humanity), but who doesn't ironically love degrading Nazis to the point of subhuman scum? Meanwhile, in less reported Holocaust-themed news, plans were announced for the construction of a luxury resort atop a concentration camp in Montenegro once held by Italian fascists and at least nine Israelis so far have been arrested for their roles in a massive death camp tourism price-fixing scandal

Georgia Judge Resigns After Talking About How People Used to Use the "N" Word

Appalachian Judicial Circuit Superior Court Judge Roger Bradley announced his resignation earlier this week, following an investigation that revealed he used the one word no white person can ever say for any reason at any time ever in a hearing last March. Per investigators, Bradley asked Fannin County prosecutor Morris Martin a question about a witness whose neighborhood nickname was "Nigger Ray."  Bradley's alleged in-court statement is worth printing, in its entirety:
"When I first moved up to this county in 1974, I was actually introduced to a fellow who lived right here behind the courthouse and he referred to himself, as did everybody else in town, not in a disparaging manner, as Nigger Bob. That's what everybody else addressed him as, but the comment you just made about one of the witnesses is known as Nigger Ray, but not in a disparaging context, is that a spin-off of the same family?" 
And it was for that unforgivable transgression that Bradley lost his job of 15-plus years. Sigh, if only some high-ranking, African-American legal scholar would just publish a book explaining how the term can be used in "a rich of panoply of contexts" so we could settle this word war once and for all, no

Man High on Marijuana Stabs Grandma to Death, Rapes Own Mother

Kevin Havelow, Jr., 23, of Lower Oxford, Penn. decided to smoke some chiba with one of pals and take his mama's car out for a joyride at one in the morning. When Mama Havelow said she wasn't too keen on having Kevin's pot-smoking pal spending the night, he flew into a dizzying rage, accusing his mom and grandma of "preventing him from having a normal social life, including having a regular girlfriend and smoking marijuana in the house." So how did Mr. Havelow respond? He raped his mother in front of his sister, went into his 81-year-old grandmother's bedroom, raped her, then stabbed her 20 times with a kitchen knife until she was dead. Well, shit ... maybe Reefer Madness was on to something after all!

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...


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