Wednesday, April 27, 2016

Jimbo Goes to the Movies: "Deadpool" (2016) Review

Does the smash hit superhero satire hit the mark, or miss it by miles? 


Marvel can do no wrong. Every time I think they’ve thrown out an idea for a movie that’s too out there – a high-concept adaptation that I assume is just too kooky for mainstream tastes – the exact opposite is proven to be the case. I was convinced, convinced I say, that Guardians of the Galaxy was going to be that breaking point. A movie about a retarded tree voiced by Vin Diesel and a damn raccoon with a laser gun, featuring Dave Bautista in a major speaking role as an autistic Kratos? Not only was something so bizarre destined to derail the Marvel money-making movie machine, it had to be a Heaven’s Gate-type genre killer.  

Instead, it grossed almost $800 million at the box office and created an entirely new, ensemble-driven merchandising cash cow for Disney.

But surely, Ant-Man has to be a colossal flop, right? A C-level (at best) character, the original director walked off the movie, and T.I. was probably the biggest name involved in the entire production – it just had to flop hard, right? Well, it wound up being one of the most critically acclaimed movies of summer 2015 and only made Marvel a cool half-billion dollars in ticket sales.

Even when it comes to small screen sojourns, Marvel manages to knock it out of the park. There was at least a 99.8 percent probability that Jessica Jones was going to be an absolute train wreck, but surprise-surprise, the Netflix original was a huge hit and feminists praised it as some sort of profound reactionary rape culture commentary.

But Deadpool – a hyper-violent, bawdy R-rated superhero spoof directed by a guy who used to direct video game cutscenes, that couldn’t be propped up by the Disney-Marvel-Star Wars Industrial Complex’s mass merchandising Wehrmacht, released in the middle of winter? Oh yeah, this one HAS to be a dud. We’re talking Titan A.E, The Adventures of Pluto Nash level-disasters here.

Fast forward three months later, though, and The Merc with the Mouth’s second big studio movie has grossed in excess of $750 million and become the highest gross R-rated movie ever. At this point, I am now wholeheartedly convinced that Stan Lee could take a shit in a can, focus a camera on it and release it on IMAX and it would still make $100 million on opening weekend guaranteed.

I know this is a late review. Here we are, on the verge of Cinco de Mayo and I’m just now getting around to watching a movie released on Valentine’s Day. Don’t blame me though – it too me a while to find a full version of the movie online on Youtube … I mean, for the film to make its way to the local dollar theater, of course.

Before we get into a critical analysis of the flick, I’d like to state the while I am familiar with the character, I haven’t actually read any Deadpool comics since the late 1990s. Maybe they’ve retooled and retconned and rewritten the character extensively since then, but from what I recollect, he was a guy with a really messed up face who made lots of stupid puns and excessively broke the fourth wall. On that level, at least, this cinematic interpretation of Deadpool feels pretty authentic. With his nasally, Chael Sonnen-like inflection, Ryan Reynolds is actually pretty freakin' fantastic as the titular character, who totally comes off as that smug, perpetual frat-boy you envy for all the poon he gets even though he lives in squalor and can’t hold down a steady job to save his life.

For the most part, Deadpool is pretty good. Not great, mind you, but certainly more entertaining than something like, say, Days of Future Past or Age of Ultron. While it’s not riotously funny, it never really loses its momentum, either, and Reynolds' rapid fire smart-assery goes a long way in preventing th film from falling into the typical superhero movie doldrums.

As far as the plot for Deadpool is concerned, it’s fundamentally your straight-forward “vengeance is mine” chestnut. Stricken with terminal cancer out of the blue one day (just a few weeks after he tried to commemorate Halloween by eating out his significant other while wearing Dracula teeth, in case you needed the specifics), wise-cracking hired goon Wade Wilson decides to volunteer for some sort of mysterious mutant gene harvesting experimenting (in case you weren’t in the know, the film takes place in the same cinematic universe as the X-flicks, even though just two X-people ever show up in the picture – a peculiarity the main character hangs a lampshade on in what is probably the funniest moment in the entire movie.) So, yeah, he winds up getting regenerative healing powers a’la a certain franchise cash cow (let’s just say his name rhymes with “Polverine”) and is essentially cured of cancer, but at the sake of having his face melted into a craggy, Freddy Krueger-like visage. This forces him to leave his longtime girlfriend behind (cue the “how could she ever love a monster like me?" trope) and undertake a series of odd (hit) jobs en route to a fatal showdown with the man responsible for turning his mug into something resembling a sunburned frankfurter. 

There are some great gags throughout the movie. The opening credits sequence – a pastiche of the done-to-death bullet-time intros set to the tune of Juice Newton’s “Angel of the Morning” and featuring a plethora of in-jokes (such as a Starbucks cup with Rob Liefield’s name on it and a photo from 2011’s ill-fated Green Lantern movie) while the actors and producers are introduced as “douche bags” and “moody teenagers” -  gets the self-reflexive LOLs rolling early. The fourth-wall shattering humor is constant, culminating with one of the better post-end-credits stingers in recent memory (which serves as both a fond homage to Ferris Bueller and a sly jab at another Rob Liefeld co-creation - by the way, does anyone know if Dolph Lundgren's phone is still connected?)

From there, there are plenty of potshots at Fox’s X-Men movie megalith – at one point, the film’s anti-hero protagonist refers to The Xavier School for Gifted Children as “The Neverland Ranch” – and there are several fairly funny sight gags that also double as kinda-sorta exposition on the character’s background (be forewarned, however, this does include pegging as a pivotal plot point.) I really love how Deadpool was paired with two of the most random mutants in the Marvel-verse – a cereal-munching, C.G.I. Colossus who sounds like he is voiced by Yakov Smirnoff and, of all characters, the brooding, embossed-cover-era creation Negasonic Teenage Warhead – and the interaction between the three is definitely a hoot. How rare it is to find a comic-book-derived film where the dialogue exchanges, and not the cataclysmic multi-million dollar special effect laden "Apocalypse Porn" finale, is the true highlight.

While Reynolds' nonstop quips and obscure references certainly keep the film engrossing (for god's sake, a fuckin' WHAM album serves as something of a Chekov's gun), Deadpool ironically hits its biggest snags when it tries to snake its away around the typical superhero movie tropes. The flashbacks to Wade Wilson’s pre-super powers days are pretty mundane, and the whole Weapon X recruitment stuff drags on for far too long. The film’s central villain – a generic British guy whose superpower is that he can’t feel pain – is really bland and the rest of the antagonists, save Gina Carano’s super-strong super-villainess, are hardly anything more than cannon fodder. The rest of the supporting cast – most notably Deadpool's bartending best pal and his blind, elderly roomie – are totally unremarkable. 

Furthermore, the love story dynamic (yes, there actually is a “romantic” subplot running throughout the film) just feels artificial and forced, and the big junkyard donnybrook climax leaves much to be desired. Alas, although the film stumbles here and there, it’s definitely a more enjoyable film than the all-too-predictable, by-the-numbers MCU or DCU outings that have been shat out as of late, and it’s a refreshing (or, as some may see it, revolting) change of pace to see such wanton carnage, nonstop profanity and coarse double-entendres in a genre that, with the exception of The Watchmen and a whole bunch of indie adaptations, has remained in a state of arrested development since the first Christopher Reeves Super-flick came out. That, and it is a hoot to see Stan Lee making a cameo as a strip club DJ, in a scene that I am pretty sure features more bare breasts than just about any comic-based film since Heavy Metal.

Not everything Deadpool attempts works, but it’s just different enough to keep you tuned in regardless. While it’s far from being a stellar, adult-oriented genre-satire a’la 2015’s outstanding Kingsman, it’s nonetheless a better than average offering compared to your regular House of Mouse or Time Warner funny book adaptation, and hopefully, its surprising box office success opens the floodgates for more considerably less juvenile comic book movies to come down the pipes in the upcoming years (oh, you know you want you some hard-R Lobo in your future. You know you do.) 

So yes, Deadpool is pretty much everything you expect it to be and absolutely nothing you wouldn’t  and at the end of the day, that really can't be considered a bad thing whatsoever.


Two and Half Tofu Dogs out of Four

Sunday, April 24, 2016

100 Signs You Might Be A Bernie Bro

A few indications you might be feeling the 'Bern' a bit too much...

By: Jimbo X

1.        You believe anything over 10 hours should require overtime pay.

2.       You’ve asked your parents to increase your allowance so you can make more campaign contributions.

3.       You’ve ever downloaded a phonebanking app on someone else’s device.

4.       You think the college classes you are too lazy to attend should be paid for by the government.

5.        You blame Wall Street for your lack of work ethic.

6.       You think you are a victim of “income inequality” even though you live in a gated community.

7.        You hate big business but own thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of Apple products.

8.       You’ve ever lectured an Uber driver on the ills of the free market.

9.       You thought super delegates were bullshit until you realized your candidate needed them.

10.     You think people not liking your Facebook posts is a form of election fraud.

11.      You think Goldman Sachs is the epitome of evil, even though you just heard about them last week.

12.     You’re against free trade, just as long as it doesn’t interrupt the Starbucks supply chain.

13.     You’ve ever taken out a loan to buy a chillum.

14.     You are anti-sexism but don’t understand how anybody could vote for that bitch Hilary.

15.     You think a 25 percent income tax will help struggling families climb out of poverty faster.

16.     You believe all Americans deserve free health care but at the same time, believe all health care providers ought to be taxed at least 90 percent.

17.     You think downvoting Reddit comments makes you a freedom fighter.

18.     You are fiercely anti-racist, although you don’t personally know anyone who isn’t white by name.

19.     You think Oregon “has it all figured out.”

20.    You’ve ever tried to organize a protest over Xbox Live.

21.     You’ve ever accused laggy Wi-Fi as representing a form of “voter suppression.”

22.    You keep saying you’ll get around to reading Sanders’ taxation platform, just as soon as you’re done playing Fallout 4.

23.    You think “democratic socialism” means public subsidies for hair dye and nasal piercings.

24.    You’ve ever finger-painted something for a student rally.

25.    You think the federal government will eventually waive your tab at the local vape shop.

What's the worst that could possibly come from giving literally all my money to a Super-PAC?

26.    You’ve used the term “low-information voter” more than five times over the course of one three-minute conversation.

27.    You wonder why your tweets haven’t stopped police brutality yet.

28.    You claim to be a victim of the system because a vending machine wouldn’t accept your debit card this one time.

29.    You wonder how you could possibly lose a primary when Patton Oswalt supports your candidate.

30.    You’re still an atheist, but you think that bird landing on the podium really was “a sign.”

31.     You were going to throw things at a Donald Trump rally, but couldn’t find your favorite fedora.

32.    You’ve ever tried to slap a #FeelTheBurn sticker on moving public transit.

33.    You’ve ever casually described a woman as “a vagina” to her face.

34.    You say you know what the plight of the working American is like because you had a summer job at Bruster’s in high school.

35.    You’ve ever told an African-American they weren’t “really black” because they voted for Hilary.

36.    Your consider “getting out of the friend zone” to be the election cycle’s most pressing issue.

37.    You can’t wait for Sanders to go to China and tell them how to really do socialism right.

38.    You think ISIS can be defeated by blocking their access to Minecraft.

39.    You think Das Kapital is a dubstep act.

40.    You traded in your 3DS to help finance Bernie’s campaign…

41.     …and when GameStop gave you store credit instead of a cash refund, you mailed it to them anyway.

42.    You’ve blamed Citizens United v. FEC for failing an algebra test.

43.    You fully support the Nordic Model, but can’t name a single country in Scandinavia.

44.    You loathe corporate welfare but think academic welfare is perfectly fine.

47.    You think there’s a physical address for “institutional racism.”

48.    You want the minimum wage raised to$15, but you still think you’re “too good” to work at Burger King.

49.    You think the economy of tomorrow will primarily be Twitch-based.

50.    You think representatives of JP Morgan are responsible for the dank meme you made in less than two minutes not going viral.

Clearly, this photo is a fake; like any "vagina" wouldn't cast her ballot for Hilary, anyway.

51. You rally behind Sanders’ efforts to fight income inequality but call everybody who votes for Trump “white trash.”

52. You’ve never seen a pair of work boots in real life.

53. You’ve ever found a Gummi Worm in your beard and ate it.

54. You’ve ever 3D printed a to-scale Rainbow Dash action figure.

55. Your resume lists GoFundMe as your employer.

56. Your homepage is

57. You wonder what it’d feel like to pay taxes someday.

58. You’ve ever set up an Indiegogo page, for any reason.

59. You’ve organized a local Black Lives Matter demonstration, even though there are no black people within 50 miles of your ZIP code.

60. You’ve ever accused a school crossing guard of “promoting state violence.”

61. You think the term “LLC” refers to the latest club drug.

62. You’ve ever cited The Young Turks in a term paper.

63. You’ve ever said the portmanteau “Shillary” aloud in public.

64. You identify as “two-spirit,” and neither one is employed.

65. You’ve spent an entire afternoon spamming online polls …

66. ...and another one creating sock puppet accounts so you can spam even more of them.

67. You’ve ever screamed “you’re bought and paid for!” at your parents before angrily slamming your bedroom door.

68. You claim to know “what’s best for black people.”

69. You actually describe yourself as a “NEET” unironically.

70. You want the big banks broken up, but still owe $30,000 in credit card debt.

71. You initially supported “free trade” because you literally thought it meant you got stuff for free…

72. …but now you hate it because somebody on Facebook told you Bernie doesn’t like it.

73.  You’ve actually assembled a “primary kit.”

74. You’ve tried to send Reddit gold directly to Bernie.

...and people said Sanders supporters are immature nutbags!

76. You emptied out your life savings to the Sanders campaign, and have no idea how you’ll get your $20 back.

77. You’ve ever declared yourself “a political prisoner” because your parents grounded you.

78. You consider yourself “a foreign policy expert” but still make references to “the country of Africa.”

79. You think Noam Chomsky invented was the first person to study economics.

80. You KNOW that democratic socialism and socialism aren’t the same thing, but you just can’t find the right way to say how.

81. You’re an advocate for government-subsidized naps.

82. You’ve written femslash fan fiction about Elizabeth Warren and Jill Stein.

83. You believe unemployed people should earn $15 an hour.

84. You want a guaranteed, universal basic income to supplement your Stafford loans, mental-health-connected Medicaid disability, EBT allotments and parent-plan-covered healthcare. Oh, and your $250 weekly allowance. Almost forgot about that one.

85. You think Obamacare was such a great step forward for America that you want to immediately dismantle it.

86. You’re actually proud to call yourself “a beta.”

87. You’re 100 percent for the creation of the U.S. Department of Cosplay.

88. You’ve started a petition to make posting spoilers online a federal offense.

91. Your most commonly used phrase in day to day discourse is “ad hominem.”

93. You don’t believe anyone should earn more than $1 million, but for some reason you believe it’s totally cool for the U.S. government to horde trillions of dollars.

97. You maxed out your credit card to help "get money out of politics."

98. You think anyone who wears a tie is a 1 percenter.

99. Your idea of public outreach is trolling the Twitter feed of mass shooting survivors.

100. You think your hypocritical, dingbat, false-messiah, con-artist of a Presidential candidate still has a chance ... and you've already come up with a hundred reasons of your own why it's everybody's else's fault his campaign failed. 

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

Look Who's Back (2015) - A No-Frills Review

It's a German comedy about Adolf Hitler being time warped to 21st century Berlin - and it might just be the best social satire in any medium from the last 20 years. 

By: Jimbo X

In 2012, German author Timur Vermes published a book titled Look Who's Back. The slapstick satire - about Adolf Hitler magically being transported to modern day Deutschland and becoming a breakout television star - quickly rose to the top of the bestseller list (this, despite the fact that Mein Kampf effectively remained "banned" in the country.) Naturally, it was only a matter of time until somebody out there got a hold of the movie rights, and the end result - a 2015 production that broke box office records in die vatarland - is now available to all der volk on Netflix as an instant streaming selection. 

And folks, you need to stop whatever you are doing and watch it RIGHT NOW. I am dead serious - click out of this article, pull up the Netflix app and start viewing Look Who's Back. Whatever shit you've got going on for the next two hours can wait. You can always feed your kids later or finish that spreadsheet at work tomorrow, but soaking up arguably the greatest work of pure social satire in at least two decades is something you simply cannot procrastinate about. 

When most people use the term "social satire," they usually mean Horation satires - that being, tongue-in-cheek, on-the-nose comedic works a'la the stuff Mark Twain and Ambrose Bierce wrote. What is considered contemporary social satire - your South Parks, your Daily Shows, your endless array of regressivley worse Sacha Baron Cohen movies, etc. - however, is really more akin to the Juvenlian form of satire, in which the point isn't to address the inherent folly of man through self-deprecating, introspective humor but to crucify your political rivals through scorn and mockery. While the film certainly has a pointed political message, Look Who's Back is one of the few satirical works in ANY medium over the last 25 years that can rightly be considered a classical Horation composition. The objective of the film isn't to espouse its own ideology as the "supreme" one or to paint opposing schools of thoughts as wrongheaded, prejudiced or downright malevolent. Rather, it is a film keenly aware of the peculiarities of the times, a way-ahead-of-the-curve comedy that almost feels like a work 20 years into the future reflecting on our modern way of life as that lamentable point in time and space where everything went wrong. This isn't a self-blinded comedy utterly infatuated with its own temporality as are modern Hollywood comedies like The Boss or Neighbors 2 or even Zootopia and Deadpool. Instead, this is an indelibly percipient movie that KNOWS everybody in German society is playing an active part in its inevitable decline; indeed, it might just be the most supraliminal German work since the heyday of the silent era expressionists, whose dreary, phatasmagoric films seemed to almost metaphysically portend the arrival of the Third Reich decades in advance

The premise of Look Who's Back is, at heart, your standard “fish out of water” yarn. Through some unexplained supernatural phenomena, Die Fuhrer is somehow transported to Berlin, circa 2014, right on top of the bunker where he would've offed himself in 1945. After being awakened by some kids playing soccer in the ghettos, the most famous, mustachioed Austrian of all-time is taken in by a newsstand operator, who believes old A.H. is just a really, really dedicated performance artist. Meanwhile, our time-displaced dictator laments the current state of German affairs, bemoaning Angela Merkel, expressing his solidarity with, of all factions, Germany’s green political party (environmentalism, he says, is a strictly Aryan conceptualization) and enjoying that mass-produced wonder of 21st century foodstuffs, individually-wrapped granola bars. 

From there, we’re introduced to the film’s secondary character, a down-on-his-luck freelance reporter in dire need of a big story to salvage his stagnating career. Eventually, he runs into ‘dolf at the newsstand and presumes he’s just some sort of post-post-modern comedian. Hopping in his mom’s van, the sad-sack journalist takes the temporally transplanted totalitarian on a tour of contemporary Germany, along the way quizzing him on his thoughts on modern society. 

At this point in the film, the movie takes on a sort of Borat/Bruno vibe, largely focusing on the reactions of real Germans to the reemergence of Hitler - who, fittingly enough, resumes his painting pastime as a town square caricaturist. He then meets up with several real Germans who are not only A-OK posing for selfies with him, but venting about all of those “Salafists” coming into the country and screwing everything up for everybody. He also rendezvouses with a few members of the National Democratic Party of Germany, but he isn’t too impressed by what he sees. “They think they can start the Fourth Reich,” he says, “when they can’t even put together a shelf from IKEA.” 

After photos and videos go viral online, the reporter pitches the “faux Fuhrer” to one of Germany’s biggest television networks, and they agree to put Hitler on the air as a special guest on a lowbrow variety program (whose writers expect him to run down a list of anti-Semitic jokes they penned for him). In the interim, Hitler exalts the network’s constantly vaping head honcho as a woman of the same caliber as Leni Riefenstahl and cries over Wikipedia, which he considers one of the greatest Nordic accomplishments in history. 

After Hitler makes his network TV debut, he becomes an overnight sensation. YouTube is abuzz with chatter from confused commentators, who find themselves begrudgingly coming to agree with his views on the depravity of mainstream entertainment. Alas, his stardom is momentarily derailed after footage emerges showing him shooting a puppy, but that inadvertently benefits him by giving him free time to write a full-fledged sequel to Mein Kampf. As the network ratings slip, the public clamors for more A.H., and that’s when the reporter protagonist starts suspecting he might be the REAL Adolf after all. After Hitler is oh-so-ironically pummeled half-to-death by neo-Nazis, he becomes a bona-fide public hero, with a big movie based on his second life going into production. This leads to a legitimately thrilling climax that’s one of the tensest, and most philosophically intriguing, finales in recent cinema history: can our disgraced reporter reveal A.H. to the masses before it is too late, or will all that contemporary nativist sentiment among the Volksgemeinschaft allow ‘dolf an opportunity to rekindle his old political ambitions?

All in all, Look Who's Back is an incredibly rich movie-going experience. It would be one thing if it was simply an outlandish, provocative, anti-P.C. comedy – which it most certainly is – but it's also one of the most intellectual, non-judgmental, politically conscious films to come down the pipes in years. Granted, there are at least two scenes that serve as ominous take-thats to the emerging ultra-right nationalists in the E.U. – one in which an elderly Jewish women confronts A.H. and says history is repeating itself and the film’s closer, in which footage of anti-immigrant rallies are juxtaposed with images of real Germans giving Nazi salutes while he rides down the street in a convertible – but for the most part, the film shies away from taking sides on the ongoing refugee debate (even though so many non-actors in the film openly express their discontent with the influx of asylum seekers.) The film can just as easily be read as a diatribe against Germany’s guilt-complex, a hilarious tirade showing the unhealthiness of the nation’s obsession with making amends for the “evilness” of something that happened 40 years before any of them were even born. 

Oliver Masucci - pardon the pun - kills it as Hitler. He conveys such an incredible air of foreboding terror and exquisite comedic timing that I would be hard-pressed to say I’ve ever seen a more nuanced depiction of Adolf in any form of media (and yes, that includes Bruno Ganz’s meme-tastic performance in 2004’s Downfall.) Speaking of, Look Who's Back also contains one of the greatest spoofs of the “Hitler reacts” fad you’ll ever see – and, it doesn’t even involve Hitler as the central character! 

I’m not joking when I say Masucci puts on an Oscar-caliber performance here. It’s one thing to portray a historical figure accurately in a period piece, but to take one of the most reviled people who has ever lived and transform them into a semi-likable – and almost sympathetic – comedic figure really requires some acting chops. At times, Masucci is absolutely hilarious, fuddling Arabian dry cleaners (his character thinks the large Muslim minority population is attributable to the Ottoman Empire joining the Axis forces), and at others, he is downright Heath Ledger-levels of amoral-scary, with his first televised speech, and his big rooftop soliloquy at the tail end of the film, nearly reaching Daniel Day Lewis levels of riveting.  

The rest of the cast is quite good, but they remain rather one-dimensional (as the plot would necessitate considering the subject material.) The film is masterfully directed by David Wnendt, whose previous films Wetlands and Combat Girls more or less makes him the bastard, Germanic lovechild of Four Lions maestro Chris Morris and America shock-meister Harmony Korine. Indeed, one would have to go all the way back to 1998’s Happiness to find a film with a premise so audience-alienating yet at the same time, so unexpectedly entertaining and well-developed.

In the pantheon of Horation satires, this one is definitely up there with the best of the best, including such (mostly) apolitical titans as Sullivan's Travels, Catch-22 and The Boondocks' infamous "Return of the King" episodeThis is a film that realizes that true social commentary comedy isn’t rooted in smarmy, SNL and Bill Maher-type “I’m better than the rest of you” humor, but in the half-tragic, half-hilarious realization that you are just as much swept up in the generalized madness of the world as everyone else. If horror is thematically about obfuscation, then comedy ought to be about clarification, and Look Who's Back is just about the most perceptive satire to roll down the pike in 20 years. It’s a film totally aware of rising nativist sentiments and the absurdity of German’s post-Hitler guilt complex. It’s a film totally aware of the emerging discord in society, and how ridiculously deep political correctness has become a part of the shared cultural experience. It’s a film totally aware that techno-modernity is devoid of identity or soul, and how unbearably hypocritical we are when it comes to forcing people to celebrate diversity and selectively remember their own ancestral history.

And on top of all that? It’s one of the funniest goddamn movies I’ve seen in ages. Simply put, you need to see this one, and immediately


Four Tofu Dogs out of Four.

Saturday, April 16, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A fond look back at all the the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists OUTRAGED ... before they forget all about them in just a few days.

By: Jimbo X

Racism ... it's everywhere, including places it actually isn't

Fascistic white prejudice is such an ingrained part of American culture that even though we're having a really, really hard time finding concrete examples of it, we still have to remind ourselves on a daily basis that we've hardly  made any progress at all since the Jim Crow era. I mean, sure, racism isn't technically codified in our laws anymore and most of the criminal justice "inequalities" drudged up all the time can usually be explained away in two or three Google searches. And yes, many of our educational institutions have actually given African-American students considerable entitlements (to the detriment of other minorities), but damn it, if the ghastly auger of racism isn't bearing down on us at all times, how else are we going to be able to discuss the root causes of things like the disproportionate black homicide rate, and African-Americans' higher levels of unemployment and lower levels of educational attainment? Rather than dare suggest that the breakdown of the African-American family has created a widespread culture of failure where expectations are lowered to the point of abject nihilism, it's a whole lot easier to pin the blame on old whitey, who by now, has wised up to all that Civil Rights hullabaloo and found newer, more secretive ways to hold the black man (and woman, and transwoman, and transman, and the occasional Transformer, too) down. What ways am I talking about, you may be pondering? Well, here's just a few glimpses into what constitutes "racism" in the post-post-modern era...

Well, not to be too vulgar, but if you ask me, all this stuff sounds like a big old steaming pile of doo-doo. But wait a minute, doo-doo is black, and not only is the toilet paper I remove it with white, it even comes in sheets just like the Klan! Oh goodness, I had no idea, but apparently, I'm racist for even thinking about bowel movements. All apologies, Africa-America: I'll send a SASE with a $500 check to the Rev. Jesse Jackson just as soon as I am done self-flagellating in my safe zone

Wide power! 

"Body shaming" is a term created by fat, lazy people looking to blame others for their own lack of restraint and willpower passionate Internet feminists who have had it UP TO HERE with big media and big fashion telling them they need to look like anorexic Bulgarians to get a man's attention. Of course, never mind that heterosexual dudes have a natural affinity for bigger girls and virtually all of the fashion media out there is produced by either gay men or hate-filled women, but asides, asides, asides. As of late, there have been quite a few "body positive" news items making the rounds, and their inanity is something well worth shining a spotlight on:

Of course, who are we to scoff at lard-asses who voluntarily decide to stuff their bellies with a surfeit of foodstuffs and engage in less physical activity than your aggregate quadriplegic? Rather, we should embrace these fat-asses with open arms and cherish their alternative lifestyle, being sure to never, ever make them feel an ounce of sorrow for having blood sugar consistencies akin to the contents of a hummingbird feeder. I mean, it's not like obesity-related illnesses account for one-fifth of all health care costs in the United States and represent a completely avoidable taxpayer burden or anything...

Your regularly scheduled dose of #BLM hilarity

Of course, no This Week in Social Justice Warrior-dom update is complete without a round-up of all the hilarious #BlackLivesMatter happenings as of late, and - as par for the course - we no doubt have plenty of knee-slappers and rib-ticklers to peruse through: 

Huh ... is it just me, or are these #BLM demonstrations/manufactured outrages becoming more and more half-assed? Hey, even pretending to be upset over nonexistent injustices tends to wear you out after awhile, I suppose...

No need to panic when it comes to Hispanics?

According to the media narrative, Hispanic immigrants - legal or otherwise - are merely hard-working, God-fearing, decent folks simply looking to improve their lot in life by partaking of the manual (Manuel?) labor offered in the U.S. that we're constantly told "other workers" do not want. Alas, not every Julio and Pedro who pole vaults across the border is a family man seeking to save his family from starvation, one landscaping gig at a time. Here are a couple of recent stories involving Hispanic individuals who appear to be taking another job from the U.S. natural born - that being, good old fashioned homicides and sex crimes

And all of a sudden, all that talk about building a Great Wall of Mexico, if but for a moment, becomes just a smidge more reasonable...

Some ... interesting ... developments in the ongoing European migrant crisis

Over in the land of Hegel, Heidegger, Hitler and - perhaps most unfortunately, Hasselhoff - the influx of Muslim "asylum seekers" shows no signs of slowing down. And with it comes some fairly intriguing poll numbers, which seem to suggest a lot of native-born Europeans ain't exactly all that cool with Islamic invaders - I mean, totally welcome guests - taking up residence in their ancestral homelands. A recent survey conducted by a French agency found that two-thirds of Germans favored ending Europe's "open border" policies, while another poll reveals Britons over the age of 50 are so god-dang fed up over the migrant crisis that they want the U.K. to withdraw from the E.U. altogether. Of course, all of this is just a bunch of needless fearmongering and "othering" of a misunderstood, marginalized religious minority, and all these "nativist" Europeans need to shut their vile, racist traps and accept "modernity" like everybody else. I mean, it's not like there are surveys out there revealing half of all Muslims in England want homosexuality outlawed, or atheists in Bangladesh being hacked to death by Islamofascists, or confirmed reports that Cologne police were ordered to remove the term "rape" from highly-publicized sexual assault incidents so as to not offend the Muhammadan newcomers or anything. Jeez, the way these prejudiced white folks are acting, you'd think Islamic jihadists have killed nearly 6,000 people and injured another 7,500 in 39 countries in just the first four months of 2016 or something. Preposterous, no?

Higher education, lower intelligence

Oh, American colleges - those glorious bastions of liberal indoctrination that, these days, are only good for producing debt-laden, unlearned Bernie Sanders supporters who can't explain what objectivity is, but can tell you at least four or five ways eating tacos is inherently offensive. Public or private, rest assured that post-secondary education in these United States is doing a bang-up job of turning our gilded young people into the most cerebrally castrated citizenry since Hitler Youth was a thing. Examples, you demand? Why, I thought you'd never ask!

Hold on to your horses, folks - good old-fashioned gumption might just be making a comeback in academia's War Against Common Sense. 

Much ado about rape - whether legitimate, implied, fabricated or encouraged 

Although there are at least ten things we know for a fact are worse, rape is pretty much considered the ultimate 21st societal sin. I mean, killing people in cold blood and horribly maiming babies will get you a free pass pending you are a "protected class" that can blame your actions on some sort of make-believe institutional prejudice, but violently and forcibly placing your penis inside someone is U-N-F-O-R-G-I-V-A-B-L-E, no matter what minoritarian subgroup you have surrendered your individual identity (and thought processes) to. Well, for the most part, as you will soon see...

There's promoting a culture of victimization and there's embracing white guilt. But exonerating an asshole rapist just because he's Sub-Saharan? Yeah, that's not just political correctness run amok - it's downright psychotic self-loathing

Georgia is once again one of the best states in the Union 

When it comes to the worst of humanity, few states do a better job exemplifying the deplorable condition of being than my home state of Georgia (or as the locals pronounce it, Outta-mah-way-white-honkey-muddah-fuggah.) Per the norm, here's a quick and dirty run down of all the dirtiest stuff going down in the "cultural capital" of The Dirty South as of late: 

And the fact that there are people out there who think a cold-blooded murderer deserves mercy simply because somebody said a racial epithet tells you just how brain-damaged the cult of hyper-political correctness has gotten, don't it?

Two studies that in no way, shape or form portend the end of American exceptionalism

Since the late, late 1800s, America has been the preeminent geopolitical (and geo-economic) force on the planet. However, all good things must come to an end eventually, and two recent studies suggest the end of the line might just pop up in our lifetime. First up is a new Gallup survey titled Free Expression on Campus, which reveals, among other startling findings, that...

  • 27 percent of college students believe places of higher education should create policies that eliminate "upsetting or offensive" speech.
  • 28 percent of college students believe universities should bar reporters from covering college campus protests.
  • 20 percent of college students do not believe their universities are doing enough to deter "offensive speech" from taking place. 
  • 56 percent of college students believe general society isn't doing enough to "accommodate" the religious beliefs of others. (Presumably, they mean everybody who isn't a member of the Judeo-Christian faiths, I take it.) 
  • 46 percent of college students ONLY get their news from websites like Buzzfeed or things posted on Facebook or Twitter
  • 74 percent of college students believe it is too easy for things to be stated online "anonymously." 

Aye, such is already a perfect storm for a hyper-politically-correct inverse crypto-socialist utopia, but just you wait! The Wall Street Journal reports that 43 percent of all student borrowers in the U.S. haven't paid a single god-damn mother-fucking dime on their college loans, with one out of every six Americans with student loan debt currently in default. 

So nearly half of the post-grad populace in the country is on pace to never pay back the $200 billion in public funds they "borrowed" and about a quarter of the next-generation of bachelor's degree holdin' deadbeats believe their arbitrary group identification is so fragile that the First Amendment needs to be superseded to protect it. 

It's only April, but there's already plenty of Mayhem 

Spring is such a beautiful time of year. The birds are chirping, the bees are buzzing, and Jack Frost's cold, icy grip slowly but surely gives way to the warm, bright and sunny summer months. It's also a pretty good time of year for heinous child abuse and unspeakable acts of extremist violence, too, as all of the lamentable stories below indicate: 

For decades, African-Americans suffered horrific abuse at the hands of a zealous, racist society. And if what's going on in Chicago is a bellwether for the rest of the country, it looks like they're going to suffer even more under the watchful eye of a new, zealous, anti-racist society. 

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...

Nashville cop of the year beat up responding to domestic violence incident

Google removes Taliban app from store

Tampa teacher draws criticism for making students fill out "privilege" form 

Washington Post columnist urges readers to raise cats "gender neutral"

California legislator blames son for public funds spent on video game downloads

Soccer team fights racism by digitally altering photograph to make entire team black

Poem about Chinese food in The New Yorker accused of promoting racism

Eva Tiamat Baphomet Medusa becomes world's first "trans-dragon"

New Jersey students punished for playing "Jews vs. Nazis" beer pong

New Jersey man staring down jail time for Donald Trump fan

The Atlantic urges readers to never punish children for any reason whatsoever

Dubai clerics issue fatwa against stealing neighbors' Wi-Fi

Hardline feminist group demands Amazon pull all Trump products

Online dating site savaged for describing freckles as "imperfections"

Porn site shows solidarity with LGBT population by barring services in North Carolina

Obama signs order forgiving $7.7 billion in college debt owed by the disabled

"Socialism is a conspiracy of losers against achievers," says Russian Jew living in Bay Area