Sunday, April 24, 2016

100 Signs You Might Be A Bernie Bro

A few indications you might be feeling the 'Bern' a bit too much...

By: Jimbo X

1.        You believe anything over 10 hours should require overtime pay.

2.       You’ve asked your parents to increase your allowance so you can make more campaign contributions.

3.       You’ve ever downloaded a phonebanking app on someone else’s device.

4.       You think the college classes you are too lazy to attend should be paid for by the government.

5.        You blame Wall Street for your lack of work ethic.

6.       You think you are a victim of “income inequality” even though you live in a gated community.

7.        You hate big business but own thousands and thousands of dollars’ worth of Apple products.

8.       You’ve ever lectured an Uber driver on the ills of the free market.

9.       You thought super delegates were bullshit until you realized your candidate needed them.

10.     You think people not liking your Facebook posts is a form of election fraud.

11.      You think Goldman Sachs is the epitome of evil, even though you just heard about them last week.

12.     You’re against free trade, just as long as it doesn’t interrupt the Starbucks supply chain.

13.     You’ve ever taken out a loan to buy a chillum.

14.     You are anti-sexism but don’t understand how anybody could vote for that bitch Hilary.

15.     You think a 25 percent income tax will help struggling families climb out of poverty faster.

16.     You believe all Americans deserve free health care but at the same time, believe all health care providers ought to be taxed at least 90 percent.

17.     You think downvoting Reddit comments makes you a freedom fighter.

18.     You are fiercely anti-racist, although you don’t personally know anyone who isn’t white by name.

19.     You think Oregon “has it all figured out.”

20.    You’ve ever tried to organize a protest over Xbox Live.

21.     You’ve ever accused laggy Wi-Fi as representing a form of “voter suppression.”

22.    You keep saying you’ll get around to reading Sanders’ taxation platform, just as soon as you’re done playing Fallout 4.

23.    You think “democratic socialism” means public subsidies for hair dye and nasal piercings.

24.    You’ve ever finger-painted something for a student rally.

25.    You think the federal government will eventually waive your tab at the local vape shop.

What's the worst that could possibly come from giving literally all my money to a Super-PAC?

26.    You’ve used the term “low-information voter” more than five times over the course of one three-minute conversation.

27.    You wonder why your tweets haven’t stopped police brutality yet.

28.    You claim to be a victim of the system because a vending machine wouldn’t accept your debit card this one time.

29.    You wonder how you could possibly lose a primary when Patton Oswalt supports your candidate.

30.    You’re still an atheist, but you think that bird landing on the podium really was “a sign.”

31.     You were going to throw things at a Donald Trump rally, but couldn’t find your favorite fedora.

32.    You’ve ever tried to slap a #FeelTheBurn sticker on moving public transit.

33.    You’ve ever casually described a woman as “a vagina” to her face.

34.    You say you know what the plight of the working American is like because you had a summer job at Bruster’s in high school.

35.    You’ve ever told an African-American they weren’t “really black” because they voted for Hilary.

36.    Your consider “getting out of the friend zone” to be the election cycle’s most pressing issue.

37.    You can’t wait for Sanders to go to China and tell them how to really do socialism right.

38.    You think ISIS can be defeated by blocking their access to Minecraft.

39.    You think Das Kapital is a dubstep act.

40.    You traded in your 3DS to help finance Bernie’s campaign…

41.     …and when GameStop gave you store credit instead of a cash refund, you mailed it to them anyway.

42.    You’ve blamed Citizens United v. FEC for failing an algebra test.

43.    You fully support the Nordic Model, but can’t name a single country in Scandinavia.

44.    You loathe corporate welfare but think academic welfare is perfectly fine.

47.    You think there’s a physical address for “institutional racism.”

48.    You want the minimum wage raised to$15, but you still think you’re “too good” to work at Burger King.

49.    You think the economy of tomorrow will primarily be Twitch-based.

50.    You think representatives of JP Morgan are responsible for the dank meme you made in less than two minutes not going viral.

Clearly, this photo is a fake; like any "vagina" wouldn't cast her ballot for Hilary, anyway.

51. You rally behind Sanders’ efforts to fight income inequality but call everybody who votes for Trump “white trash.”

52. You’ve never seen a pair of work boots in real life.

53. You’ve ever found a Gummi Worm in your beard and ate it.

54. You’ve ever 3D printed a to-scale Rainbow Dash action figure.

55. Your resume lists GoFundMe as your employer.

56. Your homepage is

57. You wonder what it’d feel like to pay taxes someday.

58. You’ve ever set up an Indiegogo page, for any reason.

59. You’ve organized a local Black Lives Matter demonstration, even though there are no black people within 50 miles of your ZIP code.

60. You’ve ever accused a school crossing guard of “promoting state violence.”

61. You think the term “LLC” refers to the latest club drug.

62. You’ve ever cited The Young Turks in a term paper.

63. You’ve ever said the portmanteau “Shillary” aloud in public.

64. You identify as “two-spirit,” and neither one is employed.

65. You’ve spent an entire afternoon spamming online polls …

66. ...and another one creating sock puppet accounts so you can spam even more of them.

67. You’ve ever screamed “you’re bought and paid for!” at your parents before angrily slamming your bedroom door.

68. You claim to know “what’s best for black people.”

69. You actually describe yourself as a “NEET” unironically.

70. You want the big banks broken up, but still owe $30,000 in credit card debt.

71. You initially supported “free trade” because you literally thought it meant you got stuff for free…

72. …but now you hate it because somebody on Facebook told you Bernie doesn’t like it.

73.  You’ve actually assembled a “primary kit.”

74. You’ve tried to send Reddit gold directly to Bernie.

...and people said Sanders supporters are immature nutbags!

76. You emptied out your life savings to the Sanders campaign, and have no idea how you’ll get your $20 back.

77. You’ve ever declared yourself “a political prisoner” because your parents grounded you.

78. You consider yourself “a foreign policy expert” but still make references to “the country of Africa.”

79. You think Noam Chomsky invented was the first person to study economics.

80. You KNOW that democratic socialism and socialism aren’t the same thing, but you just can’t find the right way to say how.

81. You’re an advocate for government-subsidized naps.

82. You’ve written femslash fan fiction about Elizabeth Warren and Jill Stein.

83. You believe unemployed people should earn $15 an hour.

84. You want a guaranteed, universal basic income to supplement your Stafford loans, mental-health-connected Medicaid disability, EBT allotments and parent-plan-covered healthcare. Oh, and your $250 weekly allowance. Almost forgot about that one.

85. You think Obamacare was such a great step forward for America that you want to immediately dismantle it.

86. You’re actually proud to call yourself “a beta.”

87. You’re 100 percent for the creation of the U.S. Department of Cosplay.

88. You’ve started a petition to make posting spoilers online a federal offense.

91. Your most commonly used phrase in day to day discourse is “ad hominem.”

93. You don’t believe anyone should earn more than $1 million, but for some reason you believe it’s totally cool for the U.S. government to horde trillions of dollars.

97. You maxed out your credit card to help "get money out of politics."

98. You think anyone who wears a tie is a 1 percenter.

99. Your idea of public outreach is trolling the Twitter feed of mass shooting survivors.

100. You think your hypocritical, dingbat, false-messiah, con-artist of a Presidential candidate still has a chance ... and you've already come up with a hundred reasons of your own why it's everybody's else's fault his campaign failed. 

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