Thursday, April 14, 2016

How Do Guys REALLY Feel About Fat Girls?

Weighing in on what dudes actually think about overweight women.

By: Jimbo X

Back in 2004, The Daily Show published a book - titled, simply, America: The Book - which was filled with your usual tongue-in-cheek, liberal-tinged social commentary on W's America (in addition to a gallery of nude Supreme Court justices, but the less said about that, the better.) Perhaps the most interesting section of the tome, however, was a chapter exploring the conjectural future of democracy. Guessing how social tastes will change in the not-too-distant future, one blurb predicted that ever-climbing obesity rates would force Americans to change the definition of what constitutes female beauty, because it's simply easier to accept morbidly obese women as "hot" than to really do anything about the public health crisis. Hilariously - if not eerily presciently - the "joke" concluded with a line about singles ads in the non-specified future containing the closing lines "yes fatties." 

Well, flash forward 12 years later and what do you know, we're living in a "body positive" Orwellian state where 300-pound-plus women are deemed "sex goddesses" and Sports Illustrated is more or less threatened into putting models with cellulite on the covers of their swimsuit issues or else the jelly-rolled and double-chinned majority will raise Cain. Internet feminists the world over incessantly rail against "unrealistic beauty standards" and how the so-called "male ideal" is nothing more than misogyny masquerading as marketing - this, despite the fact that an unusually high percentage of male fashion kingpins are homosexual and virtually all of the major fashion media operations are ran, and are predominantly staffed, by females. If big fashion and Madison Avenue really dictates female body image standards, rest assured it's not a template being set in place by the aggregate, red-blooded, heterosexual American male. 

The whole "body positive" movement is pretty weird, seeing as how it is a rare example of the majority clamoring for persecuted status. According to national data sets, two-thirds of all white women in the United States are categorized as overweight while an astounding 77.2 percent of all Hispanic-American women and 82 percent of all African-American women are also designated as overweight. In fact, one-third of all white women in the country - and an unfathomable HALF of all black women in the U.S. - meet the medical criteria for "obese" status.

At heart (which in this case, is no doubt generously sprinkled with clogged arteries), the body positive trend is a fairly fascistic, narcissistic ideology that ironically shames people for being healthy. It's an unrepentantly prejudiced mentality, in which the thunder-thighed masses are demanding that people look - and foster the same life-shortening predilections - as they do. Imagine, if you will, a national movement that sought to lower IQ standards and shame scientists and math wizards for not being like the common peoples; ludicrous, to be sure, but in theory and practice, it is really no different from all this body positive claptrap. The anti-obesity movement has hardly anything at all to do with promoting unrealistic beauty standards or encouraging eating disorders or making women look the way men supposedly want them to. It's about saving lives and preventing chronic health issues like diabetes that cost the nation billions each year. No pun intended, but I don't think Americans really grasp just how gargantuan an issue obesity is as a public health matter: according to a study published in The Journal of Health Economics in 2012, totally-preventable obesity-related illnesses costs the national health system at least $190 billion each and every year - a sum that represents 21 percent of ALL health care expenses in America

Being fat, despite whatever nonsense you may hear to the contrary, is not a genetic condition. Unlike race, gender and (perhaps?) sexuality, obesity is something that can be explained solely through environmental factors. Yeah, some people might have thyroid conditions or Prader-Willi Syndrome, but the overwhelming majority of overweight people are simply the byproduct of a.) too much caloric consumption and b.) sitting on their asses all day. The battle of the bulge, ultimately, is the hideous bastard child of gluttony and sloth; if people just had the common sense and basic willpower to not shove their faces into buckets of ice cream and actually burn off some calories instead of marinating them with mayonnaise, Coca-Cola and Twinkie creme filling, the problem literally solves itself

But for all the excesses of the body positive trend - and yes, there are indeed lots of them - there is a central truth about overweight women in American culture that, for some reason, remains shrouded in secrecy. That huge, gigantic and somewhat blubbery revelation

Deep down, all straight guys in the U.S. LOVE big girls. Every. Last. One. 

But wait, some of you may be thinking, doesn't popular culture reinforce the ideal that all women look like half-starved waifs whose only "meat" comes in the form of silicone-infused boobies? Shows how much you've been paying attention, amigo. Hetero dudes have never been into the whole sickly Victorian/Eurasian ballerina/vegan marathon runner/heroin chic stick figure look. In fact, throughout human history, the most coveted women in virtually all societies have been the chunkier chicks. Why? Because not only are they more fertile than the Ally McBeals and Natalie Portmans of the world, they just exude a stronger aura of sexuality. Their curves are more entrancing, and the extra adipose tissue ensures their skin looks younger than their bony counterparts. And the sex? As a guy who has had his fair share of overweight poon, I can say this without hesitation: intercourse with a fat girl is much more pleasurable and intense than intercourse with a normal-sized or petite girl. Hell, bigger girls even tend to give better oral, for that matter. I'll let you make whatever crude joke you want about them "already being experienced with their mouths" your damn self.

Of course, we don't talk about it out in the open. Oh, sure, historically we've gabbed on and on about how hot Farrah Fawcett and Pamela Anderson and Brittany Spears were, but when we got home, I promise you we were jacking it to Queen Latifah, post-weight gain Kirstie Alley, way-past-her-prime Tina Yothers and - my personal favorite - post-reality TV, pre-death Anna Nicole Smith. 

The funny thing I've noticed is how self-congratulatory the mass media\entertainment\fashion\beauty industrial complex is for promoting plus-size models, like they're doing some sort of humanitarian good deed placing a 140-pound woman in Gucci ads instead of some sack of bones with sunken cheeks who weighs, on a good day, 100-something pounds. Granted, the whole beauty industry has never been about vaulting actual feminine beauty - rather, the idea was to contour the female frame so as to better highlight their clothing and jewelry and make-up. And what better way to show of your designer duds and handbags and overpriced eyeliner by showcasing breast-less, ass-less and curve-less models and actresses with frames reminiscent of a 12-year-old Hungarian boy circa 1930?

The blowback from online feminists, however, has forced the media/fashion cabal to at least somewhat alter their standards. Today, our preferred cover girls have plenty of T and plenty of A; Kim Kardashian, Christina Hendricks, Ashley Graham, Kate Upton, etc. However, isn't it actually sort of insulting to describe these women as "plus-size" or "curvy?" Those hyper-sanitized, industry-speak euphemisms belie a still palpable resentment for the overweight female body; yes, Kim K has an out of this world ass and Ashley Graham's thighs might rub together when she walks, but in no way, shape or form would I deem any of the models\actresses listed above as "fat" in the traditional sense. Despite patting themselves on their backs for being more "body size inclusive," the fashion\media complex still fosters an (un)healthy disdain for any woman who doesn't look like a desexualized mannequin. In their eyes, "fat" remains anyone who wears a C-Cup or larger, and models and actresses who actually are overweight - Melissa McCarthy, Mo'Nique, Rebel Wilson, etc. - are never depicted as sexualized women. Instead, they are almost always posited as clumsy, oafish and loud, if not borderline psychopaths worthy of contempt. Their "fatness" is consistently mocked in their feature films, to the point it becomes an inescapable qualifier preventing them from assuming any sort of two-dimensional persona. In an industry that actually considers people like Jennifer Lawrence and Jennifer Lopez "overweight," I'd go as far as to say today's beauty\entertainment\fashion Leviathan refuses to even humanize fat women, let alone posit them as alluring, or attractive or sexually desirable. 

Admittedly, I am what many people would consider a "chubby chaser." From puberty onward, I've fostered a certain taste for the bigger girls, for reasons that, even now, I am not sure I can fully comprehend. Ever the wannabe iconoclast, I've always been attracted to everything that isn't "mainstream," and while all the other kids in high school were daydreaming about making it with the captain of the cheerleading squad, I was rubbing 'em out thinking about the 180-pound goth girls who used to hang out after school at the local 7-11 smoking cigarettes until nightfall. 

Fat girls, by and large (pun, not intended), are more interesting people. They have to develop unique personas to "compensate" for being overweight. Unlike all of those suburbanite Barbies out there, they can't rely just on their good looks to get by. There was a good two-year time span in college where I did pretty much nothing but date big girls, and it was a blast. On the whole, they were more creative and thought-provoking than the "normal" girls I dated. They dressed weirder and their make-up was always more outlandish. They were funnier and they always had more eccentric attitudes. Across the board, they were less prudish about their own sexuality, and they viewed sexual relations through a much more libertine perspective. They saw nothing wrong with tongue kissing on the first date - or even within the first hour of knowing each other - and by date number three, our genitals were usually well acquainted with one another. Neither of us wanted anything long-term. We weren't looking for love, or a spouse, or anything like that. We just wanted to live for awhile, and take it from me, nobody out there has a greater urge to just live and enjoy life than young fat women. At the end of the day, the thing guys want most out of a woman isn't for her to look hot, it's for her to never be boring. We want to be around girls that do unpredictable things and want to live life on the edge a bit; by sheer biological determination, that's how fat girls keep the genetic cycle a' going, and ultimately, that's what makes them most appealing to the male species. Pretty and flowery, we can give or take, but a girl that's fun to be around is an absolute necessity. 

I really can't explain why fat girl sex is so much better than "normal" girl sex. I am sure there is some aerodynamics explanation involving extra girth, vaginal suction, gravity and probably neutrinos, but from my experiences, it is just so much more pleasurable and that's all I really need to know. Maybe fat girls are just more "into" it than smaller girls? Maybe they know they don't get to pick and choose whoever they want to have sex with and every time they hit the sack they know it could be a while before the get donged again, so they - sometimes, literally - soak it up for all its worth? Believe me, you don't know what "great sex" is until you've done it cowgirl style with a gal north of 170; having a fat girl on top of you doin' it is something that ought to be on everybody's bucket list, whether you are male OR female

And let's face it - again, pardon the pun - fat girls, a lot of times, are just prettier than skinny girls. Compare the facial features of bone-thin false-rape accuser Kesha with those of the much more adiposed Adele. By the time Kesha is 50, her mug is going to look like a second-hand store cutting board, but at the half century mark, Adele's chubby-self is still going to look drop-dead gorgeous. Along those same lines, Miley Cyrus up close looks like Ripley from Alien 3 after eating a ketchup-heavy hot dog; meanwhile, 300-pound model Tess Munster looks downright stunning, even without dousing her face in her trademark garish makeup

Now, I know what you are thinking. "Jimbo, old buddy, what sort of message are you trying to get across here? You spent the first half of the article talking about how fat acceptance is bullshit and promoting an unhealthy lifestyle, but for the last couple of paragraphs you've been droning on and on about how big fashion and big media still look down upon fat girls even though dudes inherently have an attraction to bigger women?" Well, to respond, you are right on both accounts. Folks have to remember that, sometimes, a thing can be right and wrong simultaneously, and this is one of those occasions. Body acceptance proponents are wrong for embracing a fascistic ideology that, unquestionably, leads to profound health risks later on in life (in turn, increasing the economic burden of thing like diabetes for the general public.) But, they are also right for being miffed at the big fashion and entertainment complexes for refusing to accept them as sexualized beings, especially when men - for the most part - are more attracted to them than smaller women. You have to remember that in all public arguments, nobody ever really wins - the best you can do is break even, and here, calling it a half and half is probably the best we can hope for. 

Contrary to the popular cultural narrative, men are not intrinsically repulsed by fat girls. In fact, the opposite is the case - we LOVE us some big women, especially the ones with spunkier attitudes and tons of confidence. Go to a pool party and I promise you the fat girl in a bikini who doesn't give a damn about her flab hanging out and is flirty with everybody will get way more attention from the guys than any other gal in the water. She's interesting, and sure of herself, and open about her amorous intentions. That, my dear readers, is what constitutes that all too common adjective "hot." Being sexy has nothing to do with pounds or hairdos or how much eye shadow you are wearing, or whether your bra and panties were made by Victoria's Secret or came in a four-pack at the Dollar General. Sexy is an attitude that defies all categorical descriptions, like "short" or "tall" or "thin" or "fat." Sexy is the way someone expresses themselves, and projects their presence in a room. Sexy is confidence, and directness and to a certain degree, fearlessness. It's a natural attraction to the things in life we know are kinda, sorta not good for us. It's why the sweet, shy, virginal girl in math class with a crush on us for two semesters will never get a friend request from us but we'll try to get the number of the girl wearing a mesh tank top, high heels, smoking a clove cigarette and saying "fuck" a lot outside of Starbucks before her skim-milk strawberry frappucinno is even ready for her. We want somebody alluring, somebody who reminds us of our genetic impulse to cast our seed and regularly. We want somebody who draws us in like a magnet and beguiles us with a weird charm we just can't explain. 

And big girls do that way better than anybody on this planet. Guys know it, girls know it, and those big wigs in the fashion and entertainment industry certainly know it, too ... which, probably, is the reason why nobody ever talks about it out in the open like we should. 

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