This scholarly article includes a frank, topical discussion of popular household items that reinforce the male, cisgender, heterosexual, able-bodied Christian hierarchy. If at any point you feel triggered, please locate your nearest safe space immediately.
By: Jimbo X
A prejudiced, discriminatory system of inequality propped up by the patriarchal hegemony, capitalism is essentially the wide-scale disenfranchisement, alienation and subjugation of minorities for profit. Indeed, walking down any grocery store aisle in America, one is confronted - no, physically assaulted - by both conscious and subconscious displays of pro-white, pro-hetero and pro-male propaganda, designed to relegate all other peoples to second-class citizen status. So brainwashed by cultural and academic indoctrination from pre-K on, however, we oftentimes do not pick up on the hidden hate crimes that lurk on the packaging of our favorite brands and products. As a social service, today I would like to peel the curtain back, so to speak, to show to the world the furtive discrimination and propagation of the patriarchal white power structure that we literally consume without even knowing it. Below is a look at ten popular household products that, without question, are responsible for marginalizing LGBT, disabled, black, Hispanic, female, Muslim, Jewish, autistic, immigrant, Asian, and native American people throughout the United States of AmeriKKKa and should therfore be outlawed and scrubbed from the collective consciousness as soon as humanly possible.
OREO THINS! These cookies do nothing but reinforce unrealistic standards of beauty and encourage young, impressionable women to starve themselves to fit into a mold perpetuated by misogynistic male marketers. Unconscious fat shaming like this does nothing but promote the white cisgender, heterosexual patriarchy and it needs to be pulled from store shelves IMMEDIATELY.
WATERMELON POP-TARTS! These products are inherently offensive to the African-American community, bringing to mind the brazenly racist caricatures of black people popular during the Jim Crow years, which is the second worst thing in history next to slavery. The mere existence of these toaster pastries is a prime example of the subconscious bigotry running rampant in post-Ferguson America, and Kellogg's should make amends by firing whoever runs their company and replacing them with a person of color RIGHT THIS MINUTE.
UNCLE BEN'S READY WHOLE GRAIN MEDLEY BROWN & WILD RICE! Why in the name of God\Allah\Buddha\there is no God does this brand still exist? It is clear that Uncle Ben - or more aptly, Uncle Tom - is meant to represent an indentured servant, therefore reaffirming the cultural narrative that African Americans ought to be subservient to the white man. And what's with this "Brown & Wild" hate speech? Is that a dog whistle for subconsciously racist white consumers to remember that all melanin-Americans are uncontrollable, primitive peoples? And take note of the "90" at the bottom of the package - as in "1890," the year every southern state in the U.S. codified disenfranchisement, perhaps?
AUNT JEMIMA ORIGINAL PANCAKE & WAFFLE MIX! This product is irredeemably racist, sexist and homophobic. First off, take a look at the unabashedly insensitive portrait of the titular brand mascot. Clearly, she is meant to represent a house maid from before the Civil Rights era, which was also the pre-feminist era and the pre gay-rights era. Every time you eat a pancake or waffle, subconsciously what you are saying is "boy, it sure was a better country when coloreds, women and the homosexuals knew their place." And if you add Mrs. Butterworth's syrup to the equation, that just makes your breakfast doubly bigoted.
SPIC AND SPAN ANTIBACTERIAL CLEANER! What!?!? This product is literally a hate crime, and the manufacturers of the product should have been imprisoned for inciting racial violence decades ago. How is it even possible to even think of the term "spic" in this day and age without literally going into convulsions because your brain is literally not supposed to be able to interpret such horrendous things? There is so much racism here, I don't know where to begin. Then again, perhaps it is fitting the product is an antibacterial cleaner. You know, because whoever buys it unconsciously wants to ethnically cleanse America of all Hispanics, for sure.
ADOLPH'S UNSEASONED TENDERIZER! Excuse me? How dare any company celebrate the most evil person who has ever lived? If naming a product after Hitler wasn't racist enough for you, note the tenderizer itself. What color is it? That's right, it's white, which is exactly the type of supremacy this product is advocating. Furthermore, do you notice the "No MSG" message below the brand name? Not a lot of people know this, but it's actually racist code word for "no Mexicans, Syrians, Gays." Sorry, you neo-Nazi scum, but hate seasonings like this have no business in any American home or store.
COBBLESTONE BREAD. CO. JEWISH RYE BREAD! How this product exists is unfathomable. For one thing, how dare any whole grain appropriate the Hebrew faith and culture, complete with the (white) bread's patently offensive olive complexion? Of course, we all know the real reason this product exists - to bring about another Holocaust. Sure, today you're just putting Jewish toast in the oven, but if Donald Trump gets elected, how long before we're putting Jewish people in there, too? That's right, not very long, thanks to white supremacist products like this one.
ULTRA STRENGTH BENGAY PAIN RELIEVING CREAM! Homophobic products like this should be ILLEGAL and all stores that sell them should have their owners locked away for life for promoting hate speech. What do the mean "Bengay?" As in, "been gay," implying that sexuality is merely a preference that may or may not be the end resultant of early childhood experiences and any number of complex interactions one has with the opposite and congruent gender throughout puberty? Listen here, you Nazis, sexuality - unlike race or gender - is something you are BORN with, and nobody's been gay, because they've always been gay, even when they were in the womb and literally had no idea what sexual intercourse was or even comprehended that more than one set of human genitals existed. This is exactly the kind of cultural indoctrination that led to Matthew Shepherd's death, and it needs to be eradicated from the collective conscience as soon as possible.
FLIPZ WHITE FUDGE COVERED PRETZELS! Can you say appropriations? As the most Afro-centric of dessert substances, fudge is intrinsically linked to the black experience in America, and these "white fudge" imitators are simply mocking the pain and suffering of our ancestors. Furthermore, take a nice, long look at the pretzels themselves. Remind you of anything?
HAWAIIAN PUNCH ALL NATURAL FRUIT JUICES! What is it with the white corporate hierarchy and profiteering off the misery of indigenous peoples? Next to the Land O Lakes Butter Indian, this is far and away the most offensive depiction of a culture subjugated by white America in history. And if that wasn't enough, just look at the brand name: Hawaiian Punch. As in, Hawaiian punch the shit out of your wife because she doesn't have dinner ready fast enough for you? The only thing all natural about this fruit juice, I believe, is how it naturally trivializes domestic abuse and actively encourages rape culture.
|This is literally the same thing as committing mass genocide.|
Once again, we here at The Internet Is In America apologize if any of the hideous displays of cultural oppression and injustice triggered you and your long-held beliefs that we've all agreed are more important than the tenants laid out by the Bill of Rights. Still, if we're ever going to inhabit a social framework where women earn as much (although it should be more) than men and blacks, Hispanics, Jews, Muslims and Asians have just as much social mobility as the entitled white power structure, these are the cultural institutions we have to torch to the ground and pummel into submission ... in a non-violent way, of course.
We would like you to join IIIA in a massive BOYCOTT of all the products and manufacturers listed in this article. In fact, we would like you to BOYCOTT all places of businesses that agree to house such hateful products as well as all media institutions that give them advertising. With so much on the line, however, we additionally call on ALL Americans who believe in progressive ideals to also BOYCOTT all corporations, organizations and individual users of ANY product manufactured by the people responsible for forging these LITERAL weapons of mass subjugation. And their next-door neighbors too, just to be on the safe side.
Remember, each and everyone of us have the POWER to change the trajectory of American history and make ours a truly equitable culture, even if it means forcibly taking the entitlement and privilege out of the hands of those who never deserved to hold it in the first place. And that great cultural revolution begins with us winning the war on mass-marketed, capitalistic prejudice.
An institution, of course, that only fools would continue advocating for.
Especially in the month of April, for some reason.