Friday, July 8, 2016

UFC 200: Tate vs. Nunes LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage!

Can't catch the biggest UFC card of all-time on TV or online (or you just want some Internet smart-assery to complement the fights?) Our LIVE round-by-round coverage will keep you in the loop all evening long. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo__X

This is it folks - the absolute biggest UFC show EVER (well, up to now, anyway.) We've got the world's best heavyweight fighter taking on the world's best light heavyweight fighter in a much, much-anticipated rematch ANDERSON SILVA on just two days' notice, a former heavyweight champ and pro wrestling mega-star going toe-to-toe with a super-tough kickboxing legend in a King Kong vs. Godzilla-sized monster mash, the women's 135-pound and men's 145-pound championships on the line and what is unquestionably the most STACKED undercard of any MMA show EVER. Considering the surfeit of talent on this show - not to mention how unbelievably awesome the last couple of UFC PPVS have been - we very well could have a spectacular, generation-defining event a'la PRIDE 33 on our hands with this one. 

Stressed because you live out in the boonies and can't order the PPV in your neck of the woods? Your computer too slow to stream those totally uncool and illegal live feeds of the event as it happens? Not old enough to drive a car, too young to frequent a sports bar or just plain unable to view the show because you are laid up in a hospital or something? Never fear, my compatriots, because I will be doing LIVE round-by-round coverage all damn night for you. Hell, even if you are watching the card live at the neighborhood pub, on your laptop or in the safety of your own living room, surely my thorough, semi-satirical musings on the event enhances the experience and elevates it to even loftier multi-media, cross-platform greatness. 


Our LIVE coverage begins at 8 p.m. EST on Saturday, July 9. Be sure to bookmark the page and hit the refresh button frequently, 'cause we're going to get this shit up there as quick as we can. And hey! Why don't you point your friends and neighbors on over to our feed, while you are at it? MMA's a lot more fun when it's a communal experience, y'know...


AND WE ARE LIVE, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! Our show is emanating from that new NHL arena out in Las Vegas, and our commentary crew consists - as always - of Joe Rogan and Mike Goldberg. And we begin with a moment of silence in a nearly half-empty venue to pay respects to those slain in the Dallas police ambush Thursday night. Well, that's a depressing way to start the evening.

Rogan and Goldberg do the hard sell for tonight's PPV card. And a recap of the fight rules, sponsored by Geico. Well, if you haven't figured out how this shit is supposed to work by now, maybe it's time to pick yourself a new hobby, ain't it?

Fox Sports 1 Bouts

Lightweight Bout
Sage Northcutt (7-1-0-0) vs. Enrique Marín (8-3-0)

This is an interesting 155-pound match-up, pitting the explosive Northcutt (who is attempting to rebound from his first professional MMA loss at the hands of Bryan Barberena via Von Flue choke back in January) against Spanish newcomer Marín, who dropped his first fight under the Zuffa banner last November against Erick Montano. 

Marin out first, wiping his eye with a flag that kind of looks like the national emblem of his home country, but it probably isn't. His entrance theme is some appropriation-tastic Spanish rap. I mean, traditional Spanish - the kind that uses vosotros and shit.

Northcutt comes out to some hip-hop, too, except it's probably about Jesus because this one article on Bleacher Report kept referring to him as "the Tim Tebow of MMA." 

Oh, and the mat tonight is mustard yellow, with a prominent Monster energy drink logo at mid-cage. 

Sage with a nice combo and kick to the head early. Marin circles and lands a solid jab of his own. Sage whiffs on the head kick. Marin clinches Sage against the cage. Marin has double under hooks. Knees to Sage's abdomen, but he can't land the takedown. And Marin gets the takedown, looking or a guillotine, but Sage flips out and almost gets an arm bar. Sage is on top, and Marin is looking all shades of fucked. Sage has Marin's back, and he's got a hook in. Sage is teeing off, Marin bleeding from the nose. Sage still on top, still firing off some hard shots. Both men standing now. Sage connects with a knee, and Marin gets another takedown. Trying to get Sage's back, and Sage flips him over his head, pro wrestling style. Sage drops Marin with a hard shot to the skull. Marin looking for a choke, but he isn't getting it. 10-9 for Sage.

Round Two. Sage rocks Marin with a nice one two combo. And he lands another stiff shot. Kick to Marin's thighs. Sage shoots for a takedown and he gets. Now Sage looking for a guillotine. Marin on top. Now Marin in the north south position. Marin making Sage smell his balls. Now Marin is looking for a Kimura. Marin almost got the arm bar. He has it. BUT SAGE GETS OUT! That was a nasty arm bar, too. Sage on top, and he gets some solid elbow shots in. Marin in side control. Back in the north south position. Marin looking for the Kimura again. He almost has it. Thirty seconds left in the round. It's the left arm this time. SAGE BACK ON TOP, and he is raining elbows. Marin's round 10-9. Hell of a bout so far.

Round Three. Hard hit from Sage to begin. Whiffed front face kick from Sage. Marin looking for a trip. And Marin has the takedown. Sage is an entertaining fighter, but he can't wrestle for shit. Now Sage looking for a choke. Marin out. Three minutes left. Marin looking for one more takedown. Sage with some elbow shots. Marin is bleeding bad. Sage on top, looking for a choke. He has it. But Marin is out. Sage with more hard elbow shots in the clinch. Marin is in stuck pig mode at the moment. And he gets one more takedown. Marin almost in the full mount. Sage flips Marin over his shoulders and now Sage is throwing some heavy elbows and hamburgers. And that's all she wrote. I give Sage that one 10-9, which should be enough for Northcutt to win on the scorecards.

And Sage wins it 29-28 across the board. Northcutt's resiliency was really on display in this one, but he has a LOT of work ahead of him when it comes to takedown defense. The dude's grappling game is so weak, he makes Dan Hardy look like Cael Sanderson. 

You know, every time I hear Rage Against the Machine, it makes me want to fire up the old Dreamcast and play Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 2 while drinking Winn-Dixie branded Dr. Pepper. Yeah, I know, that is an awfully specific reaction to have to something, but whatever.

Bantamweight Bout
T.J. Dillashaw (12-3-0-0) vs. Raphael Assunção (23-4-0-0)

It's hard to believe that a matchup that very well could be 135-pound title eliminator is scheduled this low on the fight card. This is a rematch of a 2013 bout, which saw Assunção scrap by Dillashaw via split decision. Dillashaw, who lost his belt to Dominick Cruz via split decision in January, looks to re-enter the title fray with a victory over the versatile Brazilian, whom despite riding a seven-fight winning streak, hasn't actually fought in the Octagon since October 2014. 

Assuncao out to some stuff that sounds like it comes from a 1980s straight to video action movie starring Eric Roberts with some guy slanging some Portuguese rhymes over it. TJ, of course comes out to some Red Hot Chili Peppers. Not one of their better songs, naturally, but one that is still way better than that pseudo-disco shit they are putting out nowadays.

Oh my god, Bruce Buffer's Kinpin-like tux tonight is fucking pimping. And holy shit, Assuncao fights out of Alpharetta, Georgia? That's like, really close to where I live, kinda. 

Assuncao with a hard shot to begin. Dillashaw responds with some stiff leg kicks. He keeps looking like he is going to shoot for a takedown. Raphael throwing some looping punches, but only hitting air. Dillashaw with a flurry of right hands. Raphael hits back with some leg kicks. TJ with a high kick of his own. More leg kicks from Raphael. TJ still looking like he is looking for a takedown. A good inside leg kick from TJ, too. Assuncao misses on a huge haymaker and then whiffs on a spinning kick. Dillashaw with another barrage of punches, but none of them connect. Hard knee from Raphael. TJ misses a head kick and Raphael almost gets a takedown. Now TJ is actively working on a takedown. Raphael with some high head kicks, but he is hitting nothing. But he just landed one, as soon as I typed that. TJ with some big shots and a head kick. Lots of action to end this one. Tough to call, but I have it 10-9 for TJ. 

Round Two. TJ definitely controlling the tempo. A quick takedown from TJ, but Raphael is right back up. HARD hit from TJ. Raphael bleeding now - a nice gusher under his nose. Raphael keeps throwing spinning kicks, but isn't landing them. Raphael tags TJ, but it does little to help him. TJ with another body kick. TJ's striking defense is just tremendous. And Raphael gets a takedown, but TJ is right back up. No dice on a knee attempt by Raphael. The ref momentarily stops the bout so the doctor can check out Raphael's bloody nose. He says he is good to keep fighting. And TJ drops him with a hard punch. Raphael shakes off a choke attempt and these two are standing once again. Twenty seconds left. A good trade as the horn sounds. 10-9 for Dillashaw.

Round Three. Another missed spinning kick from Raphael. Huge body kick from TJ. More leg kicks to Assuncao. Assuncao looks for a knee. Dillashaw drives Raphael into the cage, but Raphael shakes it off. Raphael slips, but he is right back up. Dillashaw with some punches to Raphael's midsection. Two minutes left. Raphael shoots for a takedown, but he can't get it. Minute left. Raphael needs a knockout to win it, but TJ gets a takedown. TJ is almost in the full mount. And these two just wait it out until the round expires. 10-9 for Dillashaw, so he should get it 30-27 across the board. 

Yep - 30-27 on all three scorecards for Dillashaw.

Welterweight Bout
Johny Hendricks (17-4-0-0) vs. Kelvin Gastelum (11-2-0-0)

Both of these 170-pound division stalwarts are coming off bad loses; in the case of Hendricks, it was a brutal KO loss against Stephen Thompson in February, and for Gastelum, a split decision "L" against Neil Magny last November. In an increasingly competitive Welterweight title fray, both men need victories here to remain relevant - and needless to say, both competitors will be gunning for that highlight reel finish to make the "bounce back" victory even sweeter. 

Gastelum comes out to some mariachi music and screaming, because why not? Also, he has a bulge in his pants the size of a kumquat. 

Hendricks has a new walkout song ... AND NO BEARD? WTF!?! Without facial hair, he looks the bastard love child of BJ Penn and Junior dos Santos. Apparently, Hendricks didn't make weight for this fight. SHOCKER. But at least he didn't almost pass out and die like he did the last time.

Kelvin with some leg kicks. Nice left hand from Kelvin. Another clean hit. Hendricks with a slower than usual left as a response. Kelvin with some good combinations. Good uppercut from Johny. He is moving around pretty well so far in this fight. Now Kelvin is back pedaling a little. Good one-two combo from Kelvin. Actually, three of them in a row. Kelvin carving Johny up with rights, and he almost drops him. Johny has him tied up against the cage. Hendricks working the leg and aiming for a takedown. Kelvin with some hard leg kicks. Another huge straight left from Kelvin. Hendricks counters with some big lefts, but nothing to drop his foe. 10-9 for Gastelum.

Round Two. Kelvin clearly the aggressor. Hendricks with some leg kicks. Johnny with two good shots in a row. Kelvin with some leg kicks of his own. Hendricks catches Kelvin's leg and works for a takedown. Kelvin on the mat, and he is trying to get back up. Hendricks has his back. Now he's digging in some knees Kelvin escapes. Hendricks trapped against the cage. He fights his way out and now he is bullying Kelvin up against the mesh wire. Johny throwing some nice combinations, but few punches are landing. He gets a good one and blocks a Kelvin jab. Kelvin connects on a spin kick to the midsection. Johny looking for another takedown. Kelvin misses on a huge overhand. Kelvin with a good combination, but he doesn't connect. Minute left. Johny whiffs on a haymaker. More wild punching, but neither men are hitting much of anything. Leg kick by Kelvin to end the round. 10-9 for Hendricks.

Round Three. Wild retard swinging from both men to begin. Johny misses on another uppercut. Hendricks looking gassed. Leg kick from Kelvin. Big missed punch from Kelvin. Kelvin tags him. Hendricks with a few counterpunches. More Kelvin leg kicks. Johny with a kick to Kelvin's midsection. Hendricks looking for a takedown, and he rattles off a couple of punches. And he gets the takedown, but Kelvin is right back up. Minute left. Hendricks gunning for one more takedown. Kelvin slips, but he is back up in a hurry. Wild retard punches to end, but nobody gets hit. A really, really hard one to call, but the takedowns towards the end probably earned Johny the round.

29-28 and two 30-27's for Kelvin. You got to consider that a questionable unanimous decision, seeing as how Johnny definitely won the second round. 

Women’s Bantamweight Bout
Cat Zingano (9-1-0-0) vs. Julianna Peña (7-2-0-0)

In an absolutely stacked Women's Bantamweight division, wins are worth their weight in gold, and obviously, both competitors in this bout are hankering for a "W." Peña goes into this bout riding a three-fight winning streak, having last been seen beating Jessica Eye like a discounted rug last October. For Zingano, it's her first bout since Feb. 2015 - and needless to say, she probably wants to get the taste of that embarrassing 14-second loss to Ronda Rousey out of her mouth as soon as possible. 

Pena out to "Crazy on You" by Heart. Well, she wins best music of the night so far, at least.

Zingano comes out to I have no idea what, but it sounds like it could be out of a bad Xbox game circa 2004. Also, these two fighters look way too much alike, so naturally, I propose one of them fight topless to make it easier to distinguish who is who.

They call Pena the Venezuelan Vixen - hopefully, her finances are better than her home country's economy at the present. Cat comes out swinging early, and gets Pen in a clinch. She automatically gets a sweep, and Pena is on the floor. Pena back up. And Cat gets another takedown. Pena eats a hard knee to the face. Now she lands a takedown. Pena in the half guard. She has Cat in a headlock. she loses a guillotine, now Cat is on top. Pena slapping the head, but it isn't doing anything. Pena keeps slapping Pena's ears. Cat with a few short elbow strikes. Cat lands a solid jab from up top. Thirty seconds left. Both women up and swinging wildly to end the round. I've got it 10-9 for Zingano.

Round Two. Cat with a judo throw. Cat already smothering Pena. Big elbows from Cat. Pena trying to work from the butterfly guard, but she isn't able to do anything. Cat lets Pena up and she automatically swings her down with a boss judo toss. Cat has Pena's back. Cat looking for a weird-ass triangle, but Pena escapes. Now Pena is on top, but Cat almost has her set up for a D'arce choke.
Now Pena looking a cross face. Pena has Cat's back. Minute and a half left. Pena has a hook in. Looking for a body triangle now. Still looking for the choke. She had it for like a second. Thirty seconds left. Pena keeps Cat floor bound as the round expires. 10-9 for Pena.

Round Three. Pena with a takedown. She is teeing off on Cat. Pena has side control and is landing some hard elbow shots. Cat is pretty much stapled to the canvas at this point. Now Pena is punching Cat in the side. Two minutes to go. Looks like Pena is aiming for a body triangle. She almost has a choke locked in. Now she is raining some elbows. She has the choke. Cat slides out. Minute left. Pena won't let Cat get back to her feet. And Pena lands a ton of shots to Cat's head, but they ain't doing much. Ten seconds left and Cat gets on top, but it is nowhere near enough time to accomplish anything. An easy 10-9 for Pena, which should result in a 29-28 unanimous decision victory.

And that's exactly what the judges call. 

Conor McGregor gives us his insider's take on the Nunes\Tate main event. And so does Brian Stann. And that is our cue to switch over to the PPV feed...

So there is a giant white table cloth over the Octagon, playing pre-fight interviews from tonight's main card participants. Strangely enough, Frankie Edgar and Anderson Silva got the loudest reactions. 

Crank up the nu-metal! Man, they need to update that intro music, and in the worst damn way.

The table cloth raises, and Mikey Goldberg welcomes us to the paid portion of the evening. Although him calling it "the biggest moment in combat history" is PROBABLY an overstatement. 

 PPV Bouts

Heavyweight Bout
Cain Velasquez (13-2-0-0) vs. Travis Browne (18-3-1-0)

It's "The Terminator's" first UFC fight in more than a year, as Velasquez re-enters the Octagon having had a long lay-off following his shocking loss to Fabricio Werdum in Mexico City. Mr. Ronda Rousey, conversely, enters the bout fresh off a brutal TKO finish of Matt Mitrione back in January. All things being equal, one would have to give Cain the advantage in this one - but then again, considering all of that cage rust, I don't think anybody would be surprised if Browne goes in there and does his best Stipe Miocic impression to kick off the PPV portion of the evening...

A UFC title win will prove "how crazy he is" to everybody, per Browne. Hey buddy, all those domestic abuse accusations are all the proof we need, amigo. But I will give him all the credit in the world for coming out to "The Best Around" from The Karate Kid, though. And jeez, his banana hammock is even more pronounced than Kelvin Gastelum's. Velasquez, of course, comes out to Mexican restaurant ambiance, and gets a pretty big reaction from the fans. 

A five inch height advantage for Browne, but only a two inch reach differential. Good lord, is that shoulder tattoo thing on Browne the gaudiest thing of all-time. Browne with a huge right hand early. Cain looking for leg kicks. Cain whiffs on a high kick. Cain looking for a single leg takedown. Cain clinches Browne up against the cage. Back in the center of the cage again. Cain with a good combination up against the cage. Nasty wheel kick from Cain connects and now he is teeing off. Cain lands a huge bomb and now it is ground and pound city. Cain in the half guard and Browne is in deep dookie. Minute and a half left. Cain looking for a choke. Browne up, but Cain drags him down again. Both men back up. Browne is wobbly. Cain throwing evil looking kicks and a ton of punches. He gets a takedown. Another takedown from Cain. He is just overwhelming Browne with punches on the ground. Browne isn't defending himself, and the ref waves it off. 

And it's called a TKO at 4:57 in the very first round. A downright dominant performance from the ex-champ. 

Dwight Howard gets the shit booed out of him. Nobody knows who Demarco Murray is, so the crowd doesn't do anything. 

Hey, did you know Jim Norton and Matt Serra had a podcast? You don't want to listen to it. LOL when Mike Goldberg says you can play as the OTHER Goldberg if you pre-order the next WWE video game. 

Conor McGregor gets a huge reaction, as you'd expect. Now Goldberg and Rogan are going back and forth over whether or not Max Holloway deserves a title shot. Which he probably won't, because the winner of this next fight will almost certainly receive it.

UFC Featherweight Interim Championship Bout
José Aldo (25-2-0-0) vs. Frankie Edgar (20-4-1-0)

And here's another rematch, pitting former Lightweight champion and BJ Penn's common law husband Frankie Edgar up against former Featherweight strap-carrier José Aldo (who was last seen getting his face rocked hard by Conor McGregor last December.) In their first outing all the way back at UFC 156, Aldo pretty much ran Edgar ragged to a decision victory; riding a five fight win streak, however, does Frankie have enough momentum behind him to hand the Brazilian prodigy his first ever back-to-back loses in MMA competition? 

Edgar out to Biggie, as usual. And Aldo comes out to "Run This Town," which is now kind of an old song because I am old also. And here's a fun fact: after Eddie Alvarez's win over Rafael dos Anjos two nights ago, this is the first time since 2006 that there hasn't been a single Brazilian champion in any UFC weight class. 

Both men keeping their distance to begin. Edgar looking for some leg kicks. Aldo rattles off a nice jab. More leg kicks from Edgar. Edgar pushing the action, but he isn't connecting on much. Aldo with some nice body shots. Edgar still moving. Edgar gets a takedown, but Aldo is right back up. Edgar with a good combo. Both guys go for a spin kick at the same time and negate each other. Aldo with a solid jab. Thirty seconds to go. Edgar connects. Aldo with a hard knee to the body. And another and he swarms him. Edgar doesn't go down, but he definitely got the sense knocked out of him. 10-9 for Aldo.

Round Two. Edgar whiffs on a high kick. Edgar lands a leg kick. He whiffs another high kick. Good combo from Edgar. Edgar shoots for a takedown, but Aldo shakes him off. Hard punch from Edgar. Edgar is bleeding under his eye. Aldo blocks a high kick. Edgar trying to close the gap and he tags Aldo with a right. He misses on another takedown. And another. Aldo blocks another high kick. Aldo with a good combo. But Edgar retaliates with a solid combo of his own. Minute left. Takedown denied by Aldo. More leg kicks from Edgar. Aldo throws a knee but Edgar catches it. Aldo, however, shakes it off as the round concludes. I almost want to call this one a tie, but for the sake of simplicity, I'd round up to 20-18 Aldo.

Round Three. Leg kicks from Edgar. Aldo rattles off two shots. Edgar with his own combo, and Aldo easily shakes off Edgar's takedown attempt. Huh ... How do they measure the distance fighters have traveled in the fight? Do they wear FitBits or something? Edgar has Aldo clinched up against the cage, but Aldo escapes. Edgar bleeding under his nose. Edgar gets a solid shot. Aldo responds with a hard kick to the chest. Big right from Aldo. Frankie responds with his own jab. Edgar looking for another takedown. Aldo gets a knee to the body. Edgar with a solid jab. Minute left. The rounds ends with Aldo landing a nasty leg kick. Close, but I've got it 30-27 for Aldo. 

Round Four. Edgar with several punches connecting early. Edgar with a couple of decent leg kicks. Missed head kick by Edgar. Nice jab by Edgar. Aldo keeping his distance. Edgar whiffs on a head kick. Aldo with a decent right hand. Good exchange. Aldo with the better shots. Minute left. Solid jab from Aldo. Aldo tags Edgar, but he rebounds quickly. Gotta be 40-36 for Aldo.

Round Five. Aldo is just putting on a defensive clinic tonight. Edgar has to finish Aldo in the next five minutes. Aldo already wheeling out the leg kicks. Edgar pushing forward, but he can't connect. Aldo with a nice left. Edgar with some leg kicks. Aldo whiffs on a head kick. Edgar with a good shot. A shot from Aldo makes Edgar temporarily wobbly. Another good jab from Aldo. Aldo evading everything Edgar is throwing at him. Two minutes left. Aldo blocks another head kick. Edgar a bloody mess now. Minute left. Edgar misses on a spin kick. And they negate each other on spin kicks as the horn sounds. It's gotta be 50-45 for Aldo. 49-46, at least.

Two 49-46's and one 48-47 for Aldo. Huh, you have to wonder which rounds that one judge thought Edgar won. In the post-fight, Aldo thanks his coach and he says he is going to kick Conor McGregor's ass and take his belt back. But in Portuguese, so it didn't sound quite as dramatic.

Hey, Joanna Champion is in the house. And here's a plug for UFC 201 - and Jesus, it's marketed like it's a spooky movie, for some reason.

And cue a retrospective taking us from the Vale Tudo days to the Ortiz\Shamrock rivalry to the heyday of Chuck Liddell to Bonnar\Griffin I to GSP winning the welterweight championship to UFC 100 to Chael Sonnen's trash-talk to the arrival of Ronda Rousey to the arrival of Conor McGregor to that time Nate Diaz said "I ain't surprised motherfucker."

Now, we recap the Jon Jones drama, and how Daniel Cormier wound up getting bumped off the main event to fight Anderson Silva - which, frankly, might just end up being an even more entertaining fight. 

Light Heavyweight Bout
Daniel Cormier (17-1-00) vs. Anderson Silva (33-7-0-1)

By now, we should all be keenly aware of Jon Jones' distressing (and potentially career-derailing) inability to pass a drug test, which in turn cost us a marquee bout and one of the most heavily anticipated rematches in MMA history. Alas, out of the miasma of dashed dreams comes this totally out of nowhere replacement bout - a light heavyweight non-title contest between the current 205-pound champion and the man many believe is the absolute greatest mixed martial artist EVER. With "The Spider" taking this bout on just 48 hours' notice, this makeshift mega-fight - on paper, at least - seems to heavily tilt in Cormier's favor. However, as the unexpected championship victories of Stipe Miocic, Michael Bisping and Eddie Alvarez demonstrate, all bets are soundly off as soon as that cage door locks. Hold on to your hats, folks - this one might just shock the shit out of us. 

"Ain't No Sunshine" as Anderson Silva comes out. And he gets a HUGE ovation. Cormier comes out to "Mama Said Knock You Out," which transitions into some random, more modern hip-hop jam I am unfamiliar with. 

Fat high kick from Cormier to begin. Silva with a significant height advantage. And Cormier gets a takedown. Cormier smothering Silva from the full guard. Silva almost had a triangle. Cormier with light punches. DC still on top. Crowd booing because of the lack of action. Cormier with some punches to Silva's side. DC remains on top of Silva. Minute left. Cormier trying to literally smother Silva now by covering his foe's mouth. An easy 10-9 for Cormier.

Round Two. Silva almost lands a jumping head kick. DC with a solid right hand. Now Silva is dancing like the Spider of old. But DC takes him down immediately. DC back in the full guard. DC with some punches, but as Rogan puts it, "it's nothing particular damaging." DC is side control. Fans booing again. Also, those wraps on Silva's ankle are distracting as hell. Hammer firsts from Cormier. And the ref makes them stand up. Silva looks exhausted. DC whiffs on a. Hue punch. Silva with a good knee and a left. DC gets clipped again. Silva with a leg kick. DC says "fuck this shit" and clinches Silva against the cage as the round expires. 20-18 for Cormier.

Round Three. Silva with a jab and leg kicks. DC with some leg kicks and a good right hand. DC with the takedown and everybody boos like hell. Cormier smothering Silva from up top. It's not an exciting strategy, for sure, but it's the smart thing to do. "Wrestlers know how to make heavy even heavier," says Goldberg. DC has out struck Silva 128 to 19 on the mat at this point. Crowd chants "stand them up!" in unison. DC swinging wildly, but nothing is connecting. And two minutes to go, and the ref stands them up. DC with some looping punches that do not connect. Minute left. Silva chases DC down and Silva hurts him with a knee to the stomach. And DC clinches him against the cage. Well, DC might win this fight, but his style sure as hell isn't going to win him any fans. 30-27 for DC in my book.

And it is a 30-26 decision across the board for Cormier. The fans are booing him like crazy. In the post-fight, DC said he is still pissed about Jon Jones dropping out of the fight. Silva gets a huge ovation. Well, at least Silva beat Cormier in distance strikes, I suppose. Silva says some stuff in English and gets an even louder ovation than before. 

Donald Cerrone is in the house, and so is Stipe Miocic. And now, a preview for WWE SummerSlam ... During a UFC show?

Chuck Liddell introduces us to Suplex City. Like I'll ever complain about hearing Paul Heyman's voice anywhere, even when I'm having sex. 

Time for an interview with Nate Diaz, who somehow manages to avoid saying the word "fuck" once. But he still sounds high as a kite, thankfully. "That kid is a battler," Goldberg reminds us. 

And that's our lead-in to the Hunt\Lesnar fight. Cue a video of Brock blaming intestinal illness for losing his last two fights, and a certain Kiwi promising to knock faces off, and the midnight hour nigh approaches...


The greatest Canadian MMA fighter of all time, without question.

Heavyweight Bout
Brock Lesnar (5-3-0-0) vs. Mark Hunt (12-10-1-0)

If you like long, technical, skills-based athletics competitions - well, this probably ain't going to be the fight for you, Holmes. Taking a respite from pretending to beat people up in the WWE, former UFC Heavyweight Champ Brock Lesnar makes his first pilgrimage to the Octagon since Dec. 2011 to do battle with ferocious slugger and ex-K1 standout Mark Hunt, who is fresh off back-to-back KO victories against Frank Mir and Bigfoot Silva. Now, seeing as how questionable Brock's chin is and Hunt is often referred to as "The King of the Walk-off Knockout," this one could be over before you know it; then again, however, considering Hunt's atrocious takedown defense, mayhap Lesnar has an easy opportunity to wrestlefuck his foe into submission or put him away with his trademark Donkey Kong ground and pound? Either way, expect plenty of late Fourth of July fireworks in this one, folks

Hunt comes out to NWA (which, uh, doesn't stand for 'no weak-ass Australians," in case you were wondering.) And it's "Enter Sandman" for Brock. And he's wearing a Canadian jersey, for some reason? Goldberg says it is because he built some sort of training compound in the Great White North. Well. 

And Bruce Buffer is now wearing a new pimp suit, for some reason. Hunt looks stoic as fuck. Lesnar gets more cheers than boos when he is announced. 

Brock keeping his distance. Hunt starting to close in, with Brock cornered in the cage. Leg kick from Brock and Hunt immediately responds with a looping punch that misses. Hunt misses a huge punch. Another leg kick for Brock. Looks like Brock trips. Brock shooting for a takedown. He has Hunt trapped against the cage and he gets the takedown. Hunt back up. Brock still squeezing Hunt up against the cage. And he gets another takedown. Brock in side control. Hunt trying to get back up. Brock with hammer fists. Minute left. Hard knee to the body by Lesnar. More hammer firsts and Hunt is in deep trouble Hunt up and Brock looking for another takedown and he gets it. Hunt getting fucked up now. Hunt will survive, but Brock is fucking dominating. 10-9 for Lesnar, easy.

Round Two. Hunt putting pressure on Brock. Brock blocks an overhand right. Brock has 15 significant strikes so far, Hunt has just one. Brock blocks another big punch. Hunt stuffs a takedown attempt. Brock ducks another looping bomb but Brock cannot get the takedown. Brock blocks another big punch. Minute left. Lesnar bullying Hunt against the cage. And the clock runs out. That really could be scored either way. 

Round Three. Brock lands a solid shot on Hunt's chin. Hunt with a nice jab. Brock looking for the single leg and he gets it. That's Brock's fourth of the fight. And Brock is teeing off. Brock nearing the full mount. Brock getting tons of shots of now. Brock looking for an arm triangle. Brock in the full mount now. Two minutes left. Hunt absorbing some hard shots. Brock firing off at will. Hunt hanging in there, though. Lensar hitting Hunt a million billion times. One minute to go. More Brock hammer fists. Twenty seconds left. And Brock drops a few more hand burgers for good measure. An easy 10-9 round for Brock, maybe even a 10-8.

29-27 across the board for Brock Lesnar. In the post fight, Brock kisses his ugly ass wife and talks about standing behind our men and women in uniform, as one "white boy to all nationalities." 

Hey, Rorion Gracie is in the house, sitting next to Fes from That 70s Show for some reason. Hard sell for UFC 201, and thankfully, this one is way less spooky than the last promo.

Justin Timberlake and Tom Brady are both in the house. So please hit them. 

UFC Women’s Bantamweight Championship Bout
Miesha Tate (18-5-0-0) vs. Amanda Nunes (12-4-0-0)

Yeah, that this fight of all the matchups on the card was the one elevated to main event status in the aftermath of Jon Jones' exit is utterly perplexing. Then again, we've all forgotten that, technically, UFC 100 was headlined by Jon Fitch vs. Paulo Thiago, so there's that, I guess. Regardless, this one ought to be a good 'un. Nunes, despite having some ups and downs earlier in her UFC career, has rattled off three victories in a row en route to this championship contest against Miesha Tate, who quickly dethroned Holly Holm back in March and is on a five-fight tear of her own. Of course, the big drama will probably be reserved for after the fight, when the victor will inevitably stare down a certain "Rowdy" ex-belt holder ahead of a potential Madison Square Garden visit this November...

Wow, that's awesome how they pretty much bury Tate in the pre-fight videos. Yeah, she is the most dangerous fighter in the women's bantamweight division ... Except for Ronda Rousey. Ooo, faced! Nunes comes out to like samba music or something and Tate's selection of Katy Perry's "Eye of the Tiger" is probably the all-time champion for bad entrance themes.

Tate gets a pretty big ovation. Nunes with good leg kicks. Nunes whiffs on a leg kick. Tate with a leg kick of her own. Nunes misses on a punch, and Tate gets a takedown. Nunes up, but Tate looking for a single leg. She can't get it. Tate with another takedown, and Nunes almost connects with an illegal knee. Nunes with some stiff jabs. A flurry of punches from Nunes. Nunes tags Tate hard, and she is down. Nunes with a knee. Tate bleeding badly. Nunes has Tate's back. Hammer fists from Nunes. She has a hook in, and the rear naked choke is deep. And Tate taps out.

The sub came at 3:16 in the very first round. Nunes is the first female Brazilian champion in UFC history. Nunes says some stuff in Portuguese but they won't let her sister in the cage with her. Whew, Tate is FUCKED UP. Like, even Ray Rice is probably going "damn, that's too much." She said she will go to Ontario to clear her mind and she will eventually come back stronger. 

And this historic show concludes the only way it could - with David Spade teaching stand up comedy techniques to Din Thomas, Matt Serra and Dana White. Well, what else were you going to close with?

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