Wednesday, November 30, 2016

2016 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 13!)

Tell the Associated Press to take a hike ... these are the only college pigskin rankings you ought to pay any attention to.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"That championship-kind-of feeling..."

The A.P.? The USA Today's Coaches Poll? Whatever jibber-jabber is being puked out over at ESPN and Bleacher Report? Puh-leeze, we all know those alleged "Top 25" countdowns are pathetic jokes penned by homers, Power Five loyalists and Notre Dame nuthuggers. That's why I decided to release my own weekly rundown of the best FBS college football squads in the States, completely devoid of all the usual fanboyism and corporate malarkey that makes lists of the like elsewhere so unbelievably annoying.

Throughout the regular season, a new installment will go up every Wednesday morning, so you may want to bookmark this sucker for future reference ... and to show to all of your fellow NCAA football lovin' chums, so they can know that - at least somewhere out in the tangled, endlessly frustrating World Wide Web - there's someone on the Internet with some goddamn horse sense when it comes to ranking college 'ball teams.

Alabama (12-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Florida (Dec. 03)

Well, as expected, Bama put a hurtin' on Auburn in the Iron Bowl. At this point, even a fluke loss to Florida in the SEC title game is unlikely to keep Alabama out of the playoffs - just as long as they don't get beat 56-0 by the Gators (a scenario about as likely as Rob Schneider winning next year's Best Actor Oscar), the Tide is essentially a lock for at least one playoff appearance. 

Western Michigan (12-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio (Dec. 02)

The only thing standing between the Broncos and an undefeated (regular) season is Ohio (no, not that one, the one nobody cares about.) Pending WMU wins this weekend's tilt, one has to wonder which "big six" bowl game they will be slotted into ... and of course, which Power Five regular they will eventually end up battling. 

Ohio State (11-1)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

The Buckeyes find themselves in a very weird predicament. Following their double O.T. thriller of a victory over arch rivals Michigan, they actually wound up losing their spot in the Big Ten Championship on account of Penn State winning later that evening ... this, despite the fact the Buckeyes have a better overall record than the Nittany Lions. Anyway, not that any of that shit matters; regardless, the Buckeyes will be competing in the National Championship playoffs later this year, no matter who fucking wins the Big 10. 

Clemson (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Virginia Tech  (Dec. 03)

After besting South Carolina, all the Tigers have to do is get past Virginia Tech and they have to be considered playoffs locks. Then again, if they lose, that opens the floodgates for about five or six different two-loss teams to enter the fray - stay tuned, folks ... the Hokies might just fuck things up real good for us this Saturday.

Washington (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Colorado (Dec. 02)

The Huskies are in pretty much the same spot as Clemson. Win, and they're in, but if they lose to Colorado this Friday? Then it's time to say a lot of prayers. I mean a lot

Penn State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Dec. 03)

By virtue of defeating OSU earlier in the season, the Big 10 math allowed Penn State to leap over the Buckeyes and represent the East in the championship shindig - even though Ohio State's 11-1 record is, you know, better than the Nittany Lions' 10-2 record. Even if Penn State does manage to knock off Wisconsin this weekend, it seems like their chances of making the four-team playoffs is slim to none - while Ohio State, who isn't even playing in its own conference's championship game, is practically a lock. Yeah, it don't make no damn sense to me, neither.  

Wisconsin (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Penn State (Dec. 03)

Even if the Badgers bump off Penn State Saturday, they probably aren't going to make it into the four-team playoffs. Will, that is, unless Clemson and Washington both lose in their respective championship games. At that point? Yeah, I'd consider it more or less a jump ball

Oklahoma (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma State (Dec. 03)

Pretty much whoever wins the Oklahoma/Oklahoma State donnybrook this weekend will become the de facto champion of the Big 12. Alas, it seems unlikely that whoever comes out on top will get invited to the big dance ... unless of course, we see a slate of monumental upsets on Championship Saturday (and Friday.)

Oklahoma State (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 03)

Even if the Cowboys do manage to triumph over Oklahoma this Saturday, there's no telling, really, where they will wind up in the big bowl stampede. A playoffs berth is extraordinarily unlikely, but I guess there is an outside shot they get into one of the other New Year's Eve or New Year's Day biggies.

Michigan (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs.  T.B.A.

Although participating in one of the most exciting college games of the season isn't much of a consolation prize, the Wolverines can at least take pride in giving Ohio State everything they could handle in the double O.T. thriller last Saturday. As for Michigan's next step, it seems like a major New Year's bowl is pretty much a given - although, at this point, there's no telling who their ideal opponent would be. 

Colorado (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Washington (Dec. 02)

If Colorado beats Washington, it would be a monumental upset. But would it be enough to get the Buffaloes into the National Championship playoffs mix? Eh, you really don't need a Magic Eight-Ball to tell you "don't count on it."

Navy (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Temple (Dec. 03)

The Midshipmen have an opportunity to claim the ACC crown this weekend, in what should be a no-defense-allowed, entertaining as hell score-fest against Temple. The bigger question, however, is where, who and when will they be playing next ... and will it be against a legitimate Power-Five challenger?

West Virginia (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Dec. 03)

Since the Big 12 don't technically have a championship game, the Mountaineers couldn't win it no how. That said, I'm pretty sure there's some sort of fluky arithmetic that would give WVU the best overall record in the conference this Sunday - like, they beat Baylor, Oklahoma beats Oklahoma State, or some other nonsense. TL;DR - these guys ain't going anywhere near the playoffs. 

South Florida (10-2)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

The Bulls put in a pretty solid showing in the 2016 season. Really, the entire AAC has been balling - six teams in the conference wrapped up their regular season campaigns with at least eight victories.

Boise State (10-2)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

And a shock upset to Air Force pretty much wipes out any big time bowl bids for the blue turfers. Furthermore, it bumps them out of the MWC Championship Game, which has to add extra salty insult to injury. 

Troy (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia Southern (Dec. 03)

Yep, the Trojans are heavy favorites heading into their Sun Belt Championship clash with Georgia Southern. For bonus points, can you name a.) the nickname of Georgia Southern and b.) which city the university is in? If you replied "don't nobody give a shit and never will," congratulations!

USC (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

The Trojans are the best three loss team in the country and anybody who argues to the contrary is a damned fool. Which, naturally, begs the question - how comes these kids couldn't have played as excellently as they did down the stretch at the very beginning of the season?

Stanford (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

With Christian McCaffrey pretty much a lock for the NFL draft next spring, the always singular Cardinal are going to have to do a lot of retooling to their offense in the offseason. While they probably won't get a back as talented as their outgoing rusher, they at least have a pretty solid aerial attack in tact as a starting point for '17. 

Temple (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Navy (Dec. 03)

The AAC title decider against Navy this weekend is going to be a ton of fun. Of course, if Temple can pull off the upset, it seems unlikely they will get a shot at a big name Power Five opponent during bowl season ... but there are a few other non-Fivers out there that could make for some interesting opponents.

Florida State (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.A.

Jimbo Fisher will probably hang on as the head coach at FSU next year. With DeShaun Watson headed to the draft, that bodes pretty well for the Seminoles. Unfortunately, Lamar Jackson isn't pro-bound quite yet, either. 

Virginia Tech (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Dec. 03)

If the Hokies can knock off the Tigers this Saturday, it would send shockwaves throughout the college football landscape. While it may keep Clemson out of the playoffs, there's no chance in hell a "W" would propel Virginia Tech into the the four-team single-eliminator, however. And to think: some people say playing "spoiler" is a reward in its own right.

Air Force (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.A.

While the Falcons upset win against Boise State isn't enough to get them into a championship contest, it does elevate the stature of the program quite a bit. Who knows - give the staff three or four years' time, and we might just have ourselves another Western Michigan on our hands here.

Florida (8-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Alabama (Dec. 03)

After getting their asses kicked by Florida State 31-13, the offense-averse Gators nonetheless find themselves challenging Alabama for the SEC crown. Yeah ... trying to figure out who's going to win this one is kinda' like guessing who's going to win a Harlem Globetrotters game.

Western Kentucky (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Louisiana Tech (Dec. 03)

And the Hilltoppers re-enter the Top 25 for the first time in what seems like a bajillion jillion years. And these motherfuckers are on a roll, too - they head into Saturday's Conference USA title game riding a six game winning streak.

Old Dominion (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.A.

And making their first appearance in the rankings all year round, let's here it for the Old Dominion ... uh, what's their nickname again? Well, whatever it is, they're closing their 2016 season on a five game win streak, and they're reward for playing so good down the stretch? Oh, that's right, the greatest prize in all of Division I college football ... a slot in the Popeye's Bahamas Bowl. God, I can almost smell the glory from here

Sunday, November 27, 2016

LIVE Play-By-Play Coverage of Week 12's Raiders vs. Panthers Game

Time to Grab the Panthers By Their...

By: Jimbo X

Join The Internet Is In America on Sunday, Nov. 27, for our LIVE play-by-play (well, more like possession-by-possession, but that shit is deathly for SEO) coverage of week 12's Raiders vs. Panthers gameThe shenanigans begin at 4 p.m. eastern time (with updates every commercial break) so be sure to bookmark this shit before kickoff. And as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#silverandblacklivesmatter) ...
3:19 p.m. - Alright, not even going to lie, I am going to be WAY late covering this one. You know what that means - hitherto unmentioned grocery mega-sale time.

3:20 p.m. - Ryan Kalil and Luke Kuechly are both out for the Panthers. Colin Jones is questionable and Michael Oher and Zack Sanchez are on injury reserved for Carolina.

3:22 p.m. - The Raiders are four-point favorites. The over-under is 50. 

3:23 p.m. - The Raiders average 27.2 points per game and 398 total yards (280 passing and 118 rushing.) The Panthers average 24.4 points per game and 371.4 total yards (264 passing and 107 rushing.) 

3:25 p.m. - The Raiders are allowing 0.3 less points per contest, but the Panthers are allowing about 30 less yards per game. The Raiders are allowing 286.6 passing yards per game (compared to the Panthers' 290), while the Panthers are allowing 81.8 rushing yards per contest (compared to the Raiders' 115.7)

3:27 p.m. - The Raiders are 6-4 against the spread this season. They are 1-3 as favorites and 2-3 at home. The Panthers are 2-7-1 this year against the spread; they are 0-0-1 as underdogs and 1-2-1 away.

5:34 p.m. - OK, I'm back. There is about five minutes left in the first half and the Raiders have a 17-7 lead.

5:35 p.m. - So Seth Roberts got an early TD, Cam Newton responded with a rushing score, the Raiders hit back with  a Latavius Murray rushing score and a Sea-Bass field goal gave Oakland the 10-point lead.

5:37 p.m. - Carolina begins around their own 15. A holding penalty makes it second and 20.

5:38 p.m. - Newton gets maybe three yards on a run.

5:39 p.m. - Oh, and CAR offensive lineman Darryl Williams is down. Time for a commercial break.

5:40 p.m. - Third and 17. And the deep ball is broken up downfield.

5:42 p.m. - But a flag is down. It's an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty call against Carolina. 

5:43 p.m. - Carolina has to kick out of their own end zone. Richard slips, but makes it all the way down to the midfield logo.

5:44 p.m. - Murray with about three yards on the run.

5:44 p.m. - Second and seven. And Carr gets sacked. 

5:45 p.m. - Third and 12. Flags on the field. Offsides call against Carolina, right before the two-minute warning.

5:49 p.m. - Third and seven. Incomplete to Seth Roberts. 

5:51 p.m. - Carolina pinned back at their own 10 with about ninety seconds left.

5:51 p.m. - Second and five. INTERCEPTION KHALIL MACK!

5:52 p.m. - HE RETURNS IT FOR A TD, BUT A FLAG IS DOWN. It's against Carolina!

5:53 p.m. - THE PICK SIX STANDS! A Sea-Bass XP makes it 24-7 Raiders!

5:55 p.m. - The crowd in Oakland is thunderous. Panthers with the ball back, at their own 25. The back gets smacked right at the line.

5:55 p.m. - And the Panthers will just run out the clock. 

5:58 p.m. - To give you an idea just how bad things are going for Carolina, Cam Newton only has 18 yards. No, not running, passing. And you can go on ahead and scale that down to 12 yards if you count the real estate lost to sacks.

5:59 p.m. - Newton is 3 for 12 on pass attempts today, giving him a quarterback rating of 4.9. By comparison, Derek Carr's QBR is 117.7.

6:01 p.m. - Still, the Panthers are outyarding the Raiders on the ground, posting 77 yards to Oakland's 28.

6:10 p.m. - The Raiders get the ball back to begin the third. 

6:11 p.m. - Crabtree gets eight, maybe nine on the pick-up.

6:12 p.m. - Second and one. Oh shit, Carr fumbles the ball, and it looks like he hurt his hand. 

6:12 p.m. - He appears to have dislocated a finger. Shit.

6:13 p.m. - Carolina gets possession. 

6:13 p.m. - Carr is headed to the locker room. The Panthers are at the OAK 15. Matt McGloin is pitching practice balls on the sideline.

6:14 p.m. - Second and seven. Stewart runs down to the OAK 3.

6:15 p.m. - First and goal for the Panthers. The back gets hit for a loss.

6:15 p.m. - Incomplete throw in the end zone, but there is a pass interference call against Oakland.

6:16 p.m. - Another flag down. False start call against Bruce Irvin.

6:17 p.m. - Second and goal. And that'll be a reaching touchdown for the Panthers.

6:18 p.m. - But at least the point after is blocked, I suppose. That makes it 24-13, Raiders.

6:21 p.m. - Raiders take a knee, so McGloin will take over at the OAK 25. 

6:22 p.m. - Murray with about a four yard run.

6:24 p.m. - Second and six. Murray with another four-yard run.

6:25 p.m. - Third and two. Murray gets enough to move the chains, but there is a flag on the play. Illegal shift against the Raiders.

6:26 p.m. - Third and seven. The Panthers blitz, so McGloin throws it away like a scared little bitch.

6:27 p.m. - CARR IS BACK ON THE FIELD. Whoa, that was spooky.

6:28 p.m. - Holding call against Carolina on the King punt. Carr is throwing some practice balls now.

6:30 p.m. - Stewart with a run up the gut. Three, maybe four yards on the play.

6:30 p.m. - Second and six. Sean Smith bats the ball down.

6:31 p.m. - Third and six. Carr puts his helmet back on.

6:31 p.m. - So, of course, Newton would hit Ted Ginn, Jr. for a 90 yard touchdown. Of course he would.

6:32 p.m. - Panthers going for two. The pass is too high. That leaves it 24-19, Raiders.

6:35 p.m. - Well, that's 12 unanswered points for Carolina in the third. 

6:35 p.m - Carr, rocking a solo black glove, is back under center.

6:36 p.m. - Huge ovation for the QB's return. First shot out the gate is a 17-yard zinger to Clive Walford. 

6:36 p.m. - Cooper gets three, maybe four yards on the pick-up.

6:37 p.m. - Second and seven. Richard gets four, perhaps five yards on the run.

6:38 p.m. - Third and two. Crabtree picks it up and the Raiders move the chains.

6:38 p.m. - Richard hit behind the line on first down.

6:39 p.m. - Second and 13. And Carr on the run lobs an interception. Well, fuck.

6:40 p.m. - Panthers take over at the OAK 30. And the Panthers run it to move the chains.

6:41 p.m. - Carolina has 132 yards this quarter already. 

6:42 p.m. -  Tedd Ginn takes it to the OAK 5.

6:43 p.m. - First and goal. And Stewart gets the TD. 

6:44 p.m. - Carolina going for two. And the receiver can't hang on to it. Carolina nonetheless takes the lead, 25-24.

6:46 p.m. - Raiders take over at their own 25. The Panthers now have more total yardage than the Raiders.

6:49 p.m. - Roberts bobbles the ball. And it's third and 10.

6:49 p.m. - And it's incomplete. A three and out, here comes King to punt.

6:50 p.m. - Second and 10 for the Panthers.

6:52 p.m. - The back gets five. Third and five coming up.

6:52 p.m. - And the downfield catch is ruled out of bounds. And there is a flag on the defense.

6:53 p.m. - The drive continues for Carolina. Second and eight.

6:54 p.m. - A lineman is down for Carolina. 

6:56 p.m. - And that's the end of the third quarter.

7:00 p.m.- Now D.J. Hayden is down.

7:02 p.m. - Some guy named Hamilton is in as a cornerback.

7:02 p.m. - Third and one for Carolina at midfield. And Kelvin Benjamin reels in a 44-yard touchdown. Motherfucker.

7:03 p.m. - That makes it 32-24, Carolina.

7:06 p.m. - That's 25 unanswered points for the Panthers. Raiders take over at their own 25.

7:07 p.m. - Crabtree gets eight, maybe nine on the catch.

7:07 p.m. - Second and one. Murray easily moves the chains.

7:08 p.m. - Richard with a big run. Personal foul against the defense gives the Raiders even more yardage.

7:09 p.m. - Raiders at the CAR 40 . Murray gets five on the catch.

7:09 p.m. - Second and five. Murray gets about three.

7:10 p.m. - Third and three. And Crabtree gets enough for a new set of downs.

7:10 p.m. - Richard loses yardage on the first down run.

7:11 p.m. - Second and 11. Crabtree overthrown in the endzone.

7:12 p.m. - Third and 11. And Walford reels it in to move the chains.

7:12 p.m. - First and 10 at the CAR 15. TOUCHDOWN CLIVE WALFORD!

7:13 p.m. - Raiders going for two. AND SETH ROBERTS CATCHES IT TO TIE THE GAME!

7:14 p.m. - And with less than eight minutes left in the contest, it's all knotted up 32-32.

7:17 p.m. - The Panthers take over around their own 20.

7:18 p.m. - Ginn gets 11 to move the first down markers.

7:18 p.m. - Stewart gets about five on the run.

7:18 p.m. - And a holding call takes away what would've been a first down reception.

7:19 p.m. - Second and 17. The back gets seven yards back.

7:20 p.m. -Third and 10. And the receiver is bumped out of bounds a yard shy of the first down marker.

7:21 p.m. - Fourth and one. And the Panthers are going to punt. Richard goes down at the 13 yard line. About five minutes left in regulation.

7:22 p.m. - Carr pushed out of bounds behind the line on an aborted first down scramble.

7:24 p.m. - Second and 14. Roberts gets three, maybe four yards.


7:26 p.m. - The defensive pass interference call is obviously turned down. That was a 49-yard pass, by the way. 

7:26 p.m. - First and 10. Murray runs it up the gut for at least five.

7:26 p.m. - Second and five. And Crabtree with ANOTHER big pick-up down the sideline. 

7:27 p.m. - First and 10 at the CAR 20. Murray runs it down the middle for about eight.

7:28 p.m. - Three minutes left. Second and three. Murray gets maybe a yard on the run. 

7:29 p.m. - The Panthers call a timeout.

7:30 p.m. - Third and one. And Murray picks it up.

7:31 p.m. - And that's the two minute warning. 

7:33 p.m. - Murray gets a yard. Carolina takes a timeout. 

7:34 p.m. - Incomplete pass to Andre Holmes. 

7:34 p.m. - Third down. 

7:35 p.m. - Olawale in. Carr throws it too quickly. No flags down.

7:35 p.m. - Sea-Bass out. He is automatic. The Raiders regain the lead, 35-32.

7:37 p.m. - Panthers take over at their own 25. One minute, 45 seconds left in the fourth.

7:38 p.m. - Olsen takes it to the CAR 45.

7:39 p.m. - 1:15 left. Panthers at the Raiders 45. 

7:39 p.m. - Under pressure, Newton throws it away.

7:39 p.m. - Second and 10. 1:10 remaining.

7:40 p.m. - Under pressure again, Newton just chunks it once more.

7:41 p.m. - Third and 10. Panthers take their final timeout.

7:42 p.m. - And Greg Olsen cannot hold on to the ball. 

7:43 p.m. - Fourth and 10. AND NEWTON GETS SACKED BY MACK!

7:43 p.m. - And  Mack recovers a strip fumble on the same play!

7:44 p.m. - Carr takes a knee, and the Raiders will just run the clock out.

7:44 p.m. - And that's it from Oakland! After giving up a bajillion points in the third quarter, the Raiders managed to rally in the fourth and their defense definitely stood up when it mattered on the final drive. And with the 35-32 win, the Raiders improve to 9-2 on the year and remain atop not only the AFC West, but the American Football Conference altogether.

7:45 p.m. - And yes, the Raiders have their first winning record since Saddam Hussein was in power. Think about that shit. 

7:46 p.m. - God ... I love football, with a passion.

Saturday, November 26, 2016

This Week in Social Justice Warrior-Dom

A fond look back at all the things that had ultra-P.C. jihadists outraged ... before they forget all about them in just a few days. 

By: Jimbo X

Liberals, ever the gracious losers, continue to act incredibly decorous in wake of Trump's presidential election

In many ways, Democrats and Democrat sympathizers really shouldn't feel all that surprised by the outcome of the Nov. 8 general election. Indeed, Trump's election almost eerily mirrors the "upset" re-election of George W. Bush in 2004 - the liberal politicos declared their morally superior candidate the victor three months out, they completely forgot about half of the electorate (namely, working class families in flyover country) and they simply attacked the character of the other candidate instead of adequately explaining why their own candidate's policies were better for the aggregate American - and what do you know, looks like history decided to up and repeat itself. Of course, modern SJW-libs don't have memories of anything that happened before Obama was elected, so this whole "not getting your way thing" remains a fairly new sensation for them - and as the lengthy list of incidents and episodes below demonstrate, they most certainly aren't taking this novel thing called "losing" very well, whatsoever:

Of course, despite all of these nauseatingly immature behaviors - some of which crossed over into the domain of legitimate violent crime - the mainstream media taste-makers remain intent on showcasing Trump supporters as the ones who are really wacked-out. Oh, how much fun the pissy liberal elites had with Trump's tweet storm against Hamilton - you know, the synthetic Broadway sensation that won't even let white people audition and whose stars have made social media "jokes" about taking advantage of drunk Caucasian women on St. Patrick's Day - as if such was proof positive Trumpites are mentally retarded. And by oh golly, The Huffington Post and its P.C. propaganda spoutin' ilk had a field day with that whole "Trump Cup" protest, when the guy who started it said the movement was actually meant to be a parody of leftists' over-reactionary demonstrations against everything

But there are a few other stories that you haven't heard the Huff-Pos and The Daily Beasts and the Buzzfeeds of the world disseminating like social justice Johnny and Joanna Appleseeds. 

Well, shit. Considering the amount of coast-to-coast violence being perpetrated by Trump-haters, maybe the wrong political contingent are wearing the symbolic safety pins, aren't they?

Lena Dunham continues to be horrible, horrible human being

For the most part, I really don't care about most celebrity social justice warriors. If Bobby DeNiro says he wants to fistfight Donald Trump or Madonna tries to incentivize the liberal base by offering oral sexual favors, it just kinda' floats past me and sticks to the walls like invisible bacteria. Now, Lena Dunham, however, is one of the few Hollywood starlets/media creations whose incessant political ranting and raving genuinely makes me want to puke (and no, it's not just because everytime I hear her name, I can't help but imagine her topless - FOR FUCK'S SAKE, NEVER, EVER CLICK THIS LINK.) The grating comedian - whose entire shtick is about bemoaning "white privilege" and "the patriarchy," despite the fact that she herself grew up in affluence in New York City - hasn't exactly taken Trump's election very well. In a desperate attempt to grab attention - I mean, highlight the injustices of the conservative base - she recently filmed herself hysterically railing against Paul Ryan's answering machine. This, after visiting reserve in Arizona to ask "the Canyon for some guidance" on how to deal with Hillary's loss and doing an about face on her "promise" to leave America upon Trump's election. In that, I suppose it's not too surprising that Dunham is hailed by the entertainment-media complex as some sort of post-post-postmodern feminist heroine. You know, the kind of heroine who laughs about sexually abusing her younger sister and lies about being raped.

White teacher loses cool and "n-bombs" class full of middle schoolers

Did you ever see that movie Freedom Writers, where Hilary Swank played an iron-willed teacher who was determined to teach inner city ruffians to appreciate art and stop shooting each other because she took them to a Holocaust museum? Well, that's a movie that promotes something I like to call "The Strong White Woman Messiah Myth." Dangerous Minds is another example of Hollywood disseminating the phony ideal, and so is Music of the Heart. Basically, it's this weird white liberal fantasy in which a strong, domineering female somehow manages to win the hearts and minds of "historically oppressed minorities" through emotional appeals and diversity-promoting "character building" exercises - i.e., shit that has been proven time and time again to not even remotely work in real inner city school systems. In that, I can take just a wee bit of Schadenfreude delight in a recent episode in a West Baltimore middle school in which one of those white woman messiah educators apparently had a mental breakdown in class and began calling her unruly students "idiots" and a bunch of "punk ass niggers" too stupid to accomplish anything. Even better, the incident comes on the heels of a new state report finding that male teachers are grossly underrepresented in the state's school systems. And with seven out of eight educators in the state female, isn't it about time we started seriously floating around the idea that a PROFOUND lack of male leadership might just be playing a role in the disastrous educational outcomes of Baltimore's predominantly black school children?

Amid astounding rape epidemic, Swedish officials fight for women's rights with counterproductive snow shoveling policies, hotline to report "mansplaining"

I don't know if you kids knew this, but apparently, Sweden has itself a pretty dadgum big problem with its female residents getting sexually assaulted. Of course just flatout saying "you know, a lot of them there Muslim refugee folks sure do like to stick their wee-wees inside our women without permission" is an inconceivable hate crime regardless of its facticity, so all those Swedish meatballs have instead tried to deflect the blame back to the Scandinavian country's native male population. Indeed, one of the Swedish government's attempts to close the gender gap was a policy that precluded "discriminatory" snow shoveling. Naturally, the Swedes realized the error of their ways when a massive snow storm hit, and the state's failures to clean up around construction sites and major roadways in favor of dusting off bicycle paths resulted in horrendous traffic jams. But don't you worry your pretty albeit just as capable heads, gals - the country's largest union is now attempting to make it up to you by offering a hotline to report instances of that most horrific of crimes - mansplaining

London police say hundreds of children are being abused, tortured and murdered  in African witchdoctor ceremonies

"Not all cultures are morally equal," Oxford University Professor Nigel Biggar wrote in his 2013 book In Defence of War. "And some are intolerably unjust, deserving to be invaded, not defended." Biggar's blunt declaration throws a big fat monkey wrench into the multiculturalism wehrmacht, because it hits upon a palpable truth we all recognize, but lack the moralistic backbone to ever acknowledge: quite frankly, there are some people out there who believe in shit so stupid and dangerous that giving it any sort of legitimacy in the form of post-globalization "tolerance" is pretty much the sociopolitical equivalent of piping honey bees into your anus and being shocked to high heavens when your asshole gets stung. The nonprofit Africans United Against Child Abuse recently demonstrated this point when they released a report finding at least 60 children in London were "strangled, burned, cut or starved" during ritualistic child abuse ceremonies in 2015 - with an additional 350 such cases misidentified or uninvestigated by U.K. police. As it turns out, these kids - virtually all of them the children of immigrants from Sub-Saharan nations - are being "exorcised" to cast out maladies like behavioral disorders and physical disabilities ... sometimes via such subtle homeopathic remedies as burning them with cigarettes, chaining them for 24 hours at a time and pummeling their teeny-tiny skulls with claw hammers. "Inevitably there will be further deaths of children relating to these safeguarding concerns because these deep-rooted belief systems result in tragic incidents," said Scotland Yard Detective Inspector Allen Davis. "The people doing the exorcism - self-appointed faith figures in a position of authority - they are exploiting vulnerable people, not just physically and emotionally but financially as well. People are paying quite a lot of money in order to rid of the 'demons.'"

Facebook blamed for Donald Trump's election

But opinion being presented as the God-given truth is still A-OK, though.

With "because she didn't run a campaign that effectively explained her policy ideas in a manner palatable to working and middle class Americans, primarily in non-urban epicenters" remains an unacceptable answer, the mainstream media has looked high and low for anything to blame for Clinton's loss. Well, it looks like pissy, aggrieved Hillary voters - perhaps realizing they can't cite 60 million Americans as alt-right neo-Nazis - have found the perfect scapegoat in Facebook. In a New York Times article penned by Zeynep Tufecki, the authoress declares that the ubiquitous social media empire's news algorithms bombarded users with a deluge of "fake news stories" concerning Mr. Trump, which Tufecki believes was enough to goad some of the more gullible readers out there into voting for him. (Because as we all know, Clinton supporters immediately writing off Trump voters as a bunch of backwoods retards incapable of practicing common sense totally isn't one of the reasons she lost.In yet another New York Times screed, Jim Rutenberg chided Facebook for promoting - and please, do put on your finest "irony" helmets - "false narratives, fake news and aggressive efforts to delegitimize traditional journalism." Hell, the New York Times has become absolutely infatuated with the issue, publishing no less than five major articles - here, here, here, here and hereabout how "fake news" imperils democracy over a five day period. Of course, none of the articles ever bring up the mounds of evidence against the mainstream media outlets concerning their brass-balled bias against Trump during the campaign - you know, really little things like CNN reaching out to the DNC to come up with "gotcha" questions against Republican candidates and feeding Clinton debate inquiries ahead of her meetings with Trump. Or The Washington Post hiring 20 full-time reporters to dig up as much dirt on Trump, when they didn't hire a single person to look into Clinton's shady doings. Or the NYT - my, why would a newspaper fundamentally owned by Mexico's wealthiest businessman have a vendetta against Trump? - actually allowing a writer to keep penning anti-Donald screeds even after he called for his assassination on Twitter. Considering the long track record of falsifications, fabrications and full-fledged bullshit that mainstream media outlets have been pumping up for years, I'd venture to guess the general public has more than enough reason to be suspicious of everything the big time cable news networks and publishing monoliths crap out. Indeed, the media bigwigs ought not be afraid of fake news destroying their precious, precious monopoly on "facticity" - rather, the blatant propaganda masquerading as "information" they've shat and shat all year long is doing more than enough to make sure their stranglehold on "the truth" weakens on a daily basis.

Insecure women hail thunder-thighed Barbie as crucial blow for feminism 

The more I think about, the more I'm convinced third-wave feminism is nothing more than some sort of mass aggrievement blob scraped off the collective hateful psyches of women who grew up in the late 1980s and early 1990s who were too fat, ugly or uncoordinated to be cheerleaders. After all, how else do you explain the downright juvenile ecstasy of this Glamour report about the release of a new Barbie doll modeled after Ashley Graham? According to reporter Christopher Rosa, the doll is "too perfect for words," and counts as some sort of body positive cult-of-personality victory simply because the doll doesn't have a thigh gap. "She gave millions of women (and men!) license to embrace their curves and drown out haters, which is fantastic," Rosa continues. "Little girls still idolize Barbie as the epitome of beauty; by putting Graham in that club, it helps them realize that size doesn't matter - you're perfect just the way you are." Yeah, that sounds like a hell of a message for elementary school America - don't try to improve yourself in any way and if anybody criticizes you for not giving a shit, cry and call them a bunch of misogynists. Strangely, we're not seeing much of an effort to expand that body-positivity tao towards boy-oriented toys, though - indeed, the entire action figure aisle at Target remains a multiverse of steroid addled WWE rasslers and Marvel Comics characters. And perhaps telling you everything you need to know, Mattel has made no efforts to produce a pudgy, bald or he-tittied Ken doll to complement the new jelly-rolled Barbie.

Brooklyn children bored out of their minds during drag queen indoctrination activity

I've always thought that elementary-aged kids were a whole lot more perceptive than most people give them credit for. They haven't had their brains completely turned into ideological Slush Puppies yet, and since they haven't hit puberty, their not guided by borderline self-destructive libido impulses. In that, the only thing they are beholden to is that which can maintain their notoriously short attention spans, and much to the chagrin of the Brooklyn Public Library, it looks like "Drag Queen Story Hour" isn't exactly something that's winning over the hearts and minds of our littlest Americans. Well, this write-up in The New Yorker gives you plenty of meaty, unintentionally hilarious chunks to chew on, from the mom who forces her six-year-old t0 watch a Barbie cartoon because it only has two male characters in it to the "entertainer" in palazzo pants who said female impersonators ought to replace magicians and clowns and who was aghast that a bunch of kindergartners didn't give a shit what "feminism" was. The article also has the single greatest one-two paragraph knockout blow I've read all year, which I have to quote in full:
"The drag queen Lil Miss Hot Mess came out, wearing a white sequinned tunic dress and matching heels, bright-pink tights, and a curly auburn wig (She has performed at Bushwig, a drag festival and at SFMOMA.) She declined to give her birth name but said that she is a graduate student in media studies at N.Y.U. She put on black owlish reading glasses, sat on a folding chair, and addressed her audience: "Can everyone say, 'When I grow up, I want to be a drag queen?'"
"The children just stared."
Well I'll be damned. There might just be some hope for our future after all. Oh, and in other transvestite/transsexual news involving children, Charlotte police announced that a transwoman attacked by three hatchet wielding purveyors of patriarchal hate actually knew her attackers ... in fact, she actually engaged in a sex act with one of them shortly before being attacked. And by the way, that sexual partner was a 15-year-old child.

Politico editor forced to resign after publishing competing ideologue's address online and encouraging readers to beat him to death with baseball bats

You probably read something over the last couple of days about a whole bunch of so-called "alt-right" accounts being purged from Twitter. Aye, the cash hemorrhaging social media monolith ain't fucking around, dropping everybody from WeSeachr founder Pax Dickinson to Myspace spank fodder Tila Tequila for what they consider promotion of neo-Nazi ideologies. Strangely, the powers that be in the media aren't too keen on going after alt-right haters, as apparent by the treatment of ex Politico national editor Michael Hirsch. Following National Policy Institute founder Richard Spencer's exile from the tweet-o-sphere, Hirsch took to Facebook to not only dox the white nationalist, but encourage his followers to take physically violent acts against Spencer on account of his ideology. "I wasn't thinking of a fucking letter," Hirsch wrote on social media. "He lives part of the time next door to me in Arlington. Our grandfathers brough baseball bats to Bund meetings. Want to join me?" Of course, even though Hirsch was the one advocating beating the shit out of someone because of their beliefs, mass media turd wads like CNN actually had the audacity to pen headlines like "Politico editor resigns after publishing address of extremist leader," because as we all know, harboring passive hateful ideologies is far more radical than telling people to actively invade someone's home and attack them with weapons. But then again, perhaps this gloriously hypocritical coverage shouldn't be deemed surprising in the slightest; after all, we are all well aware by now that politically motivated racial hatred isn't considered an equivalent sin across the color spectrum ...

Clearly, there is no bias at Team Twitter...

...and a few headlines that speak for themselves...

Barnard College offers coloring books to students upset over Hillary's loss

Old white woman films herself harassing Cedar Rapids cops to prove once and for all that black lives truly do matter

The Guardian declares the Internet "manosphere" a threat on par with ISIS

Montana Trump elector criticized for making jokes about gay people ... six years ago

According to F.A.I.R. survey, nearly two-thirds of Hispanics in America support Donald Trump's immigration policies

Hofstra law professor says electoral college is unconstitutional ... despite it being in the actual constitution

Car break-in inadvertently leads to dog being "rescued" from hot car

That bitch from Scary Movie fined after chihuahua she adopted found starving to death on city streets

Bitch from Sex and the City says she wants to move into woods, learn how to use gun to protect adopted daughter from Donald Trump

Detroit Lions player says highlight of college career was breaking Joe Paterno's leg

Atlanta area cop calls Trump supporters "dumb ass rednecks," probably won't get fired

Aghast viewers claim animal documentary promotes "rape culture"

Light skinned black woman on CNN calls darker skinned black man a "terrorist" for agreeing with Donald Trump's crime policies

Detroit newswoman resigns after telling colleague she's tired of covering "niggers killing each other"

British woman arrested in Dubai after reporting own rape

Under watchful eye of Sharia police, 15-year-old girl mercilessly beaten in Muslim mall

Man gets ass kicked by Justin Bieber

Kanye West says he would've voted for Trump, placed in psychiatric hospital just hours later