Tuesday, November 8, 2016

2016 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 10!)

Tell the Associated Press to take a hike ... these are the only college pigskin rankings you ought to pay any attention to.

By: Jimbo X

This Week's Episode:
"MRW You're One Upset Away From TOTAL MADNESS"

The A.P.? The USA Today's Coaches Poll? Whatever jibber-jabber is being puked out over at ESPN and Bleacher Report? Puh-leeze, we all know those alleged "Top 25" countdowns are pathetic jokes penned by homers, Power Five loyalists and Notre Dame nuthuggers. That's why I decided to release my own weekly rundown of the best FBS college football squads in the States, completely devoid of all the usual fanboyism and corporate malarkey that makes lists of the like elsewhere so unbelievably annoying.

Throughout the regular season, a new installment will go up every Wednesday morning, so you may want to bookmark this sucker for future reference ... and to show to all of your fellow NCAA football lovin' chums, so they can know that - at least somewhere out in the tangled, endlessly frustrating World Wide Web - there's someone on the Internet with some goddamn horse sense when it comes to ranking college 'ball teams.

Alabama (9-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Mississippi State (Nov. 12)

It wasn't pretty, but the Tide nonetheless managed to escape from Death Valley with  10-0 win over LSU. At this point, nothing short of a monumental collapse at the Iron Bowl - in tandem with an even bigger collapse at the SEC Championship Game - is going to keep Bama from steamrolling their way into the playoffs. 

Clemson (9-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Pittsburgh (Nov. 12)

Even against a team as shitty as Syracuse, it's pretty hard to not be impressed by Clemson's 54-0 shellacking of the Orangemen. With very winnable games on the docket against Pitt, Wake Forest and South Carolina, there's really no excuse for this team to finish the regular season with anything other than a goose egg on the right-hand side of their win-loss column.

Michigan (9-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Iowa (Nov. 12)

The Wolverines' crushing 59-3 win over Maryland is what we sometimes like to call "a statement game." And that statement? "Fuck everybody in the Big 10, that's who." And wouldn't you know it, the final three games on Michigan's regular season schedule are all in-conference ... including the possible playoff eliminator against Ohio State three weeks from now. 

Washington (9-0)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Nov. 12)

The Huskies did what they've been doing all season long in their 66-23 win over California. He'll almost certainly be overlooked for a Heisman nod, but you have got to give QB Jake Browning some serious dap - the dude slang the rock for six touchdowns in the team's latest victory, accumulating 378 yards on just 19 completions. 

Western Michigan (9-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Kent State (Nov. 08)

Am I trolling the masses by putting WMU ahead of teams like Louisville and Ohio State? Well, yeah, seeing as how those two teams would probably beat the holy hell out of the Broncos on the field. Still, WMU, unlike those other teams, doesn't have any integers in their "L" column, and lest you forget, this is still one talented ass team. I mean, when you've got guys like Cory Davis finishing games with 272 receiving yards, you KNOW you're dealing with a competent pass attack. 

Louisville (8-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Wake Forest (Nov. 12)

This just in: Lamar Jackson is really, really fucking good. As in, "four touchdowns and 231 yards on 12 completions" good. As in, "another three touchdowns and 185 yards running the ball." As in, "his team just beat Boston College 52-7." TLDR; Lamar Jackson is good.

Ohio State (8-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Maryland (Nov. 12)

Most analysts predicted Saturday's conference showdown between Ohio State and Nebraska to be a hard fought, defensive struggle. Then the Buckeyes went out there and drubbed the shit out of the Cornhuskers 62-3, in a game that saw J.T. Barrett lob the rock for 290 yards and four scores and the OSU defense hold their foes to just 78 yards rushing and 126 yards passing. Well, it was a defensive struggle for Nebraska, at least. 

West Virginia (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas (Nov. 12)

With Baylor dropping two games and Oklahoma and Oklahoma State liable to cancel each other out, the Mountaineers have a very good shot at stealing the Big 12 this year. Well, that is, if they can survive the four game conference meat-grinder ahead, which is absolutely anything but a gimme at this point. 

Boise State (8-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Hawaii (Nov. 12)

You can never count out the Blue Turfers, and their 45-31 win over San Jose State certainly gives them some padding to potentially land themselves in a big bowl game in early January. And with Hawaii, Air Force and UNLV left on the schedule, they'd really have to fuck up royally to end the season anything other than 11-1.

San Diego State (8-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Nevada (Nov. 12)

The Aztecs absolutely steamrolled Hawaii 55-0 over the weekend. With what should be very winnable games against Nevada, Wyoming and Colorado State to close out the season, it's pretty much a given that SDSU will be duking it out with Boise State for the Mountain West crown in a few weeks - and you just KNOW that's going to be fun as hell to watch. 

Troy (7-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Appalachian State (Nov. 12)

With a 52-31 win over UMass, the Trojans find themselves sitting pretty atop the Sun Belt Conference totem pole. Alas, that could all change in a hurry, with some very, very tough games against the likes of App State, Arkansas State and Georgia Southern rounding out the remainder of their schedule. 

Auburn (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Nov. 12)

Yeah, the Tigers have two games before it, but all eyes are on the Nov. 26 showdown against Alabama. IF the team can bump off the No. 1 team in the country, what sort of playoffs bedlam will ensue? It may not be enough to propel Auburn into the National Championship race, but it would definitely make things very interesting for the bowl booking committee, for sure. 

Penn State (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Indiana (Nov. 12) 

With a 41-14 win over Iowa, the Nittany Lions continue to scrap and crawl and cover-up decades of child rape en route to a loooong-shot Big 10 Championship appearance. Even with their sustained late season success, how unlikely is it that Penn State makes it to the conference title game? Forget winning the remainder of their own games - they'd need Ohio State and Michigan to lose every game on the remainder of their schedule, too. And since Ohio State and Michigan will eventually play each other and insure that at least one of them gets a win, well - not unlike scores of Jerry Sandusky's young victims, Penn State, I'm afraid, is fucked

Wisconsin (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Illinois (Nov. 12)

Wisconsin is pretty much the college football equivalent of a "gatekeeper" fighter in MMA. They're good enough to beat a good 90 percent of the teams out there, but when they go toe-to-toe with the top 10 percent, their proverbial gooses are cooked. Still, they've got a very strong chance of making it to the Big 12 championship game, and if they just so happen to beat Ohio State or Michigan there? Hoo-boy, hold onto your hats folks ... things could get bumpy in a real hurry

Nebraska (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Minnesota (Nov. 12)

Yeah, losing 62-3 to Ohio State ought to put a damper on anybody's parade. But you know what the really crazy thing about Nebraska's ass whooping is? By virtue of the loss and all of that tie-breaking tomfoolery, it makes, of all teams, motherfucking Maryland the No. 1 seeded team on the other side of the Big 10 conference rankings. 

Florida (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. South Carolina (Nov. 12)

A 31-10 loss to Arkansas means the Gators are very, VERY unlikely to make it to the National Playoffs (and by "VERY unlikely," I mean "it's a 100 percent guarantee they won't.") Still, as crappy as the SEC East is, they can still make it to the conference championship game without too many hiccups. Of course, how they fare there, presumably, won't be too peachy

Oklahoma (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Baylor (Nov. 12)

Baker Mayfield continues to impress. In the Sooners 34-24 win over Iowa State, he lobbed the rock 328 yards for four touchdowns. And he'll have to throw even more than that if he wants to lift his team to a prominent bowl game: the Sooners have an absolute murderer's row of opponents over the next three weeks, with Baylor, WVU and Oklahoma State all on the itinerary. 

Oklahoma State (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Texas Tech (Nov. 12) 

The Cowboys bested the Wildcats 43-37 over the weekend. And now life is going to turn into living hell for OSU, with a tough home stand against Texas Tech followed up by back to back road games at TCU and at Oklahoma. 

Utah (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Arizona State (Nov. 10)

Pending they don't hunch the pooch against Oregon and Arizona State, it looks like the Utes are on a collision course with Colorado to determine who'll be playing Washington (or Washington State, pending the rules of the universe suddenly go out the window) the last Saturday in November. Which explains, to a large degree, why this year's PAC-12 Championship Game has been temporarily rechristened as "The Fuck California Bowl."

Colorado (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Arizona (Nov. 12)

Don't sleep on the Buffaloes. Their 20-10 win over UCLA shows just how solid their defense is, having held the Bruins to just 185 passing yards and only 25 on the ground. And these kids can run the ball, too - they finished Saturday's outing with 144 combined yards and a solo TD run from Phillip Lindsay. 

Washington State (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. California (Nov. 12)

Raise your hand if you thought the big Washington vs. Washington State season capper would've determined who winds up playing in the PAC-12 championship game? Yes, by virtue of all of the California and Oregon teams sucking, the Cougars do indeed find themselves loooooooong-shot divisional champion material. You know, just as long as Washington State can beat Washington a few weeks from now. And Washington loses at least one game before then. Hey ... stranger things have happened, you know...

Texas A&M (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Ole Miss (Nov. 12)

Losing 35-28 to Mississippi State really, really, REALLY hurts the team's playoffs chances. Alas, losing QB Trevor Knight pretty much destroys whatever far-fetched National Championship dreams the Aggies faithful may have had. Eh - you had a good run for a couple of weeks there, at least. 

Baylor (6-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Nov. 12)

Yeah, Baylor's "blackout" game against TCU went about as well for the team as blacking out at a Baylor party usually bodes for a coed. The 62-22 drubbing pretty much eliminates Baylor from any serious national championships talks, but on the bright side? I'm sure there are plenty of rape-tastic women on the road at the Belk or TaxSlayer.Com Bowls, though. 

North Carolina (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Duke (Nov. 10)

Mitch Trubisky really is one of the more underrated quarterbacks in college football. Case in point? His performance in the Tar Heels' 48-20 win over Georgia Tech. The Trub finished the contest 20 for 32 for 329 yards and one TD pass ... and then, just for the hell of it, he ran for another 44 yards and another touchdown

Virginia Tech (7-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia Tech (Nov. 12)

It was a close one, but VT managed to narrowly best Duke, 24-21, over the weekend. With Georgia Tech, Notre Dame and Virginia remaining on the schedule, this is a team that very well could sneak its way into the ACC title game ... where, pending some sort of transdimensional portal opens up over the field ... they will then get the living shit beat out of them by Clemson or Louisville.

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