Friday, December 2, 2016

50 Better Nicknames for Las Vegas' NHL Team

A few suggestions that certainly beat the pants off "The Golden Knights."

By: Jimbo X

I don't know if you kids are aware of it, but a few days ago the city of Las Vegas announced the official nickname and logo of their new National Hockey League franchise - the Golden Knights.

What a boring-ass name for a pro hockey team, ain't it? In a city founded by gangsters and propped up by conniving casino owners and hookers, you'd think the ownership group would've vouched for something a little bit more provocative. Even worse, their logo is pretty much the most generic looking bullshit you've ever seen - a crappy copper colored Magneto helmet with a little bit of gray stuck inside the Los Angeles Kings' shield emblem. Lazy doesn't even begin to describe it. (Oh, and if you think that is an uninspired design, you've got to see the team's secondary logo ... boy howdy, that is some pure D rubbish, right there.)

So, as we've done in the past concerning Atlanta's Major League Soccer franchise and even a few hypothetical Washington Redskins moniker substitutions, we here at The Internet Is In America took it upon ourselves to help out the new pro sports team's marketing department with a couple of suggested nicknames for the team - and while your mileage may vary on how well the titles roll off your tongue, I think we can all agree that the 50 proposed team names below are a hell of a lot cooler than the boring ass "Golden Knights," for sure...

01. The Las Vegas Bandits - How obvious would this one have been? The bandits call to mind the general badassery of Nevada's frontier days plus it doubles as an allusion to the city's gambling industry - you know, all of those "one-armed bandits" and whatnot. Shit, they just could've taken the old Skoal Bandit insignia, PhotoShopped a hockey stick or two in there and it automatically would've been one of the five best logos in the NHL. 

02. The Las Vegas Rollers - Same deal as with the Bandits - it's a dual meaning kind of thing. On one hand it refers to literal steam rollers (you know, with Vegas being a hotbed for real estate development) and on the other, a reference to the "high rollers" whose compulsive, DSM-certified mental illnesses have kept the city's lights on for the better part of a century. 

03. The Las Vegas Gamblers - A bit blunt, but it works. As a bonus, all they'd have to do is slightly retool this old USFL logo and they'd be good to go. Plus, the team's fight song pretty much plays itself, don't it?

04. The Las Vegas Pimps - There's already pro sports teams named after things that kill people, like Vikings, Raiders and Hurricanes, so why not name the team after your city's most unique and idiosyncratic economic contributor? 

05. The Las Vegas Locos - Another double meaning namesake, referencing both the locomotives that used to roar through the desert and the ever-growing number of gang members in the Vegas M.S.A. An added bonus: there's already a pre-existing logo and jersey you can borrow from the recently deceased UFL.

06. The Las Vegas Outlaws - Huh. It's such an obvious choice, that I could've sworn there was at least one other pro sports team that used the namesake for awhile...

07. The Las Vegas Gladiators - I mean, a lot of the architecture in Vegas is inspired by ancient Rome, and there's a lot of big time professional fights that go down there all the time. If any city deserves the fairly anachronistic nickname, it's gotta' be Sin City.

08. The Las Vegas Dealers - Yeah, the dual meaning on this one ought to be obvious to anyone with a working set of peepers.

09. The Las Vegas Gangsters - If only because it gives you an excuse to refer to T-Mobile Arena as "Gangster's Paradise."

10. The Las Vegas Card Cheats - A little unwieldy, but it has a nice ring to it after you say it to yourself a couple of times. "The L.V.C.C." rolls of the tongue way smoother than it probably should.

11. The Las Vegas Kitsch - The gaudiest city in North America not named Orlando is certainly deserving of such a title. 

12. The Las Vegas Silver Knights - Shit, if you're going to call the team something as generic as the "Knights," at least throw in the right adjective - y'know, with Nevada being the "Silver State" and all. 

13. The Las Vegas Desert Tortoises - It's their state reptile, in case you were wondering.

14. The Las Vegas Bighorns - Because the bighorn sheep is the official state mammal or something, and it also alludes to the fact that the players have larger than average sized penises.

15. The Las Vegas Brawlers - You know, since there are so many professional boxing and MMA fights going on there all the time.

16. The Las Vegas Showmen - It's a city whose unofficial cultural representatives are two dudes who were sequins and do fruity things with tigers - the namesake more than explains itself.

17. The Las Vegas Elvises - ...this one goes without saying.

18. The Las Vegas Niggies - A tribute, of course, to the puppy who helped build the Hoover Dam.

19. The Las Vegas Cock-N-Bulls - A loving ode to the memory of the city's most famous scumbag restaurant/even scummier makeshift casino hybrid.

20. The Las Vegas Mushroom Clouds - Because the wasteland 65 miles to the north of Vegas is still an irradiated hellscape.

21. The Las Vegas Steel Popeyes - Who says Vegas has a reputation for gaudy, needlessly extravagant kitsch?

22. The Las Vegas Morbidly Obese - You know a city has some remarkable lardos when its restaurants allow people who weigh in excess of 350 pounds to eat there for free

23. The Las Vegas Lasers - If your city can lay claim to something like this, you might as well use your pro sports platform to promote it.

24. The Las Vegas Machine Guns - Because there are at least half a dozen more "pay money to shoot Call of Duty weaponry" businesses in town than anywhere else in America.

25. The Las Vegas Neon Cowboys - Jerry Jones would probably never allow it, but it would be cool if he did.

26. The Las Vegas Desperadoes - Because the Queen of Hearts remains your best bet, kids.

27. The Las Vegas Pharoahs - A nice, nondescript nickname that plays on Las Vegas' architectural appropriation while at the same time conveying a transcultural sense of power and nobility. 

28. The Las Vegas Emperors - ...and another one.

29. The Las Vegas Romans - ...and one more, just in case you like having your options open.

30. The Las Vegas Prospectors - Because I'm pretty sure Nevada had a gold rush or a silver rush or some other kind of rush at one point in time.

31. The Las Vegas Great Whites - Because there's a hotel there that'll let you slide into a heated pool filled with live, honest to goodness sharks. No. Fucking. Bullshit.

32. The Las Vegas Street Performers - A surprisingly dangerous breed - especially the ones that dress up like Harley Quinn and murder cops at CiCi's Pizza

33.  The Las Vegas Slashers - An homage, of course, to the city's finest contribution to world cinema

34. The Las Vegas No-Lottos - Because the fact the gambling capital of the world doesn't have an official state lottery is one of those weird-ass Freakonomics facts too good to pass up.

35. The Las Vegas Vagrants - Named after the considerably high number of locals who live in sewers like Ninja Turtles.

36. The Las Vegas Artistes - Because there is a lot of artsy-fartsy performance theater bullshit in town. I mean, a lot

37. The Las Vegas Whorehoppers - The Vikings of yore were well known for raping and pillaging - at least with a team name like the "Whorehoppers," you know it's all consensual.

38. The Las Vegas Step-Daddies - Because they'll beat you silly and fuck your mama afterwards.

39. The Las Vegas Rattlers - Nevada. Desert. Poisonous snakes. It just makes too much damned sense, really. 

40. The Las Vegas Scorpions - Well, the Nevada desert is crawling with them, but mostly, it's because I want to watch hockey with "The Zoo" and "Wind of Change" playing on the stadium P.A., just as God intended it. 

41. The Las Vegas Lassos - You know, 'cause of the Wild West theme and alliterations and all that shit.

42. The Las Vegas Lintlickers - I'm not sure what it means, exactly, but it's probably not something nice

43. The Las Vegas Vegans - Truly, the worst company any of us can keep.

44. The Las Vegas Varmints - Maybe they can pay Warner Bros. for the rights to use Yosemite Sam as their mascot?

45. The Las Vegas Vegas - We all know "handsome fighters never lose," but does the same principle apply to hockey players?

46. The Las Vegas Loaded Dice - Who among us hasn't wanted to yell "snake eyes, motherfucker" at the top of our lungs during a sporting event?

47. The Las Vegas Losers - Because the house always wins, you know. (Seriously though, they should go ahead and trademark that shit so they can blare it on-screen after every victory.)

48. The Las Vegas Nevadans - It's certainly no worse than calling a team the "Houston Texans," I suppose.

49. The Las Vegas Lunatics - How else do you describe locals who shoot random women on the Interstate and follow it up by trying to rape CVS employees at gunpoint?

50. The Las Vegas Raiders - Because there's going to be a pro sports team with that very namesake, sooner or later...


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