Friday, December 16, 2016

LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC on Fox: VanZant vs. Waterson!

Finally ... a UFC main event you actually PRAY devolves into a make-out session.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Yeah, I know we don't usually cover the free Fox shows here at The Internet Is In America, but this card is something a little different - it's, you know, actually good and worth tuning into.

The 22nd UFC on Fox (yes, we have gotten up to nearly two dozen shows thus far) is pretty much the epitome of an engineered for network broadcast show. None of the fights are necessarily championship fray relevant, but it does feature a nice assortment of up-and-coming fighters who, while probably not future title holders, nonetheless tend to put on entertaining as hell fights with spectacular ass finishes. Really, this feels more like an old school StrikeForce card, where all of that hubbub about legitimate contenders gets thrown out the window and everything is booked from the get-go to produce the most explosive results possible. And for that, I tip my hat to the UFC brass - ya'll ought to be doing more shit like this  way more often

Since there are only four fights on the scheduled prime time TV card, it really doesn't make much sense to run 'em all down in the preamble. Just rest assured that everything planned tonight is pretty much biologically designed to result in at least four people getting punched, kicked or powerslammed into unconsciousness, and by golly, that's precisely the kind of entertainment we want to be viewing this close to Christmas. So clear off the futon, warm you up a frozen pizza and find that clicker, folks - this ought to be one hell of a broadcast.

So have this page bookmarked and raring to go as soon as the live action begins at 8 p.m.on Saturday, Dec. 17. We'll be updating our coverage in-between every round, so do us a favor and keep pounding that refresh button. And hey! Why don't you do us and yourself a favor and let your MMA buddies know about our service?

Jon Anik, Daniel Cormier and Dominick Cruz are calling the action from the raven's nest.

Mike Goldberg and Brian Stann are downstairs at the new Sacramento Kings' arena. And hey, how's about a video promo pimping our first bout of the evening that's probably going to be three or four times longer than the fight itself?


Welterweight Bout
Alan Jouban (14-4-0-0) vs. Mike Perry (9-0-0-0)

Jouban has been in the UFC since 2014. He's gone 5-2 since then and was last seen decisioning the fuck out of Belal Muhammad back in July. Mike Perry is a relative UFC newcomer, but he's already made a huge splash his inaugural year, having knocked out Hyun Gyu Lim at UFC 202 and flatling Danny Roberts at UFC 204. Can "Platinum" make it three victories in the Octagon in a row over the course of just four months? Howzabout we go cageside and see what happens, why don't we?

Perry with some high kicks early. Jouban rocks him with a head kick and he rattles off a couple of heavy shots, but Perry rebounds. Nasty leg kick from Jouban. Perry whiffs on a punch. Jouban with more leg kicks. Perry chasing Jouban down. Perry with a head kick. Jouban counters with a leg kick. Another high kick from Jouban. Now they are clinching against the cage. Jouban looking for a takedown. He has Perry in a waistlock. And he secures the takedown. Both men back to their feet. Perry snakes his way out of a choke. Jouban with a hard knee and an even harder right hand. More Jouban leg kicks. Perry with a head kick. Perry with another hard jab. Jouban with a solid body kick. He whiffs on a spinning elbow and Perry slugs him good. Perry with some good uppercuts. Jouban with a leg kick to end the round. I've got it 10-9 for Jouban.

Round two. Body kick from Jouban. Perry with a hard left. More Jouban leg kicks. Perry trying to close the distance. He whiffs on a head kick. Another Jouban leg kick. Jouban with a very good combo. He shoots for a takedown. Perry escapes. And another Jouban leg kick. He misses a hard jab by a mile. Jouban ducks a Perry kick. Perry with a kick to the midsection. Jouban rattles off a few punches. Perry with a knee to the stomach. Another body kick for Jouban. More Jouban leg kicks. Perry lands a one-two combo. Jouban drops Perry with a big shot. He head kicks Perry, but he appears to have recovered. 20-18 for Jouban in my book.

Round three. Perry with some shitty looking leg kicks. Perry with a good right. Jouban with a solid jab and another kick to the midsection. Perry catches an attempted head kick. Perry with a hard shot, but Jouban blocks it. Perry whiffs on a would-be home run shot. They exchange leg kicks. Jouban whiffs on a spinning kick and a spinning elbow in succession. Two minutes left. Jouban rattles Perry with a fantastic combination. Another hard leg kick from Jouban. Brutal kick to the midsection by Jouban. Minute to go. Jouban looks for a single leg takedown. And one more kick to the midsection, just because. And Jouban closes it out with this funky looking cartwheel kick that has no shot of landing, ever, at any point in history. Regardless, I scored it 30-27 easy for Jouban.

One 29-28 and two 30-27s to give Jouban the unanimous decision victory. And hey, Nick Diaz is in the house!


Time for a Paige VanZant promo. For better or for worse, you know what to expect here.


...and here's a career retrospective on Urijah Faber, with this being his final fight and all.

Bantamweight Bout
Urijah Faber (33-10-0-0) vs. Brad Pickett (26-12-0-0)

Yeah, this is also kinda' a historical show, too, since this is purportedly Urijah's final fight ever. The 37-year-old WEC legend (who, really, did more to put featherweight fighting on the MMA map than anybody) got beat bad in his last two outings against Jimmie Rivera and Dominick Cruz, but this matchup against Brad Pickett - who has just one win in his last five fights - seems to bode very, very well for "The California Kid." But hey - the storybook ending don't always come to fruition, you know - just ask our good buddy Dan Henderson.

Huge ovation as "California Love" starts blaring over the speakers. Loud "Faber" chant as the action begins. Faber looking for some head kicks while Pickett tries to tear him down with leg kicks. Faber with a hard right hand. Pickett keeps looking for leg kicks. Faber grabs Pickett's leg and shoot for a takedown. Now we're sprawling on the ground.  FABER DROPS PICKETT! Now he's looking for the rear naked choke. He's elbowing the fuck out of him. Faber with a million billion shots from side control. Faber going for the choke again. Faber in the full mount. Now he has Pickett's back. Faber rattles off some pillow shots as the round expires. 10-9 for Faber, easy.

Round two. Faber has outstruck Pickett 48 shots to three. Pickett looking for leg kicks. Pickett's face is redder than the Kool-Aid Man's bunghole. Pickett goes for an uppercut and misses by a lot. Pickett goes for a jumping knee but Faber catches it and takes him down again. Faber in the full guard. Faber looking for a choke, but he can't get it. We're standing again. Picket with a decent one-two combo. Faber catches the leg again and feed Pickett a fistburger. He tosses Pickett to the ground and he's looking for a guillotine. Pickett escapes and we're standing again. Pickett with an all right left hook. Faber gets one more takedown before the bell sounds. 20-18 for Faber and it's not even debatable.

Round three. Faber with a crappy head kick to begin. Faber with a sweet leg sweep and he's in Pickett's guard again. Faber raining elbows now. Pickett back up. Faber with a leg kick. Faber with yet another takedown. Faber in side control. Faber looking for that guillotine choke. Faber with an elbow shot on the ground. Pickett's bleeding. More elbows from Faber. Both men standing again. Pickett drops Faber with a solid shot, but Faber shoots right back up. Minute to go. Pickett with leg kicks. Faber looking for one more takedown. Knees to the midsection. Thirty seconds. Faber wraps up Pickett with a waistlock, scoots around on the mat and this one is all over. Has to be 30-27 across the board for Faber.

Of course, it's 30-27 for Faber. He said he just got his P.h.D. and he's looking forward to whatever P.h.D. people do. "California Love" plays one more time and he exits the Octagon ... forever.

Anik interviews Dominick Cruz and Cody Garbrandt about their upcoming title bout at UFC 207, which is just 13 days away. "Your legs got no wheels," Garbrandt says, "I'm a savage in there." Cruz responds: "What happened to your concussion, bro?" and "you just got out of high school and now you think you're tough."

So yeah, this is why white people shouldn't be allowed to play the dozens on live television ... especially for five straight minutes.

Welterweight Bout
Sage Northcutt (8-1-0-0) vs. Mickey Gall (3-0-0-0)

Honestly, I'm more pumped for this fight than I am Rousey vs. Nunes. Like it or not, the UFC upper brass is going to be pushing these dudes HARD over the next few years whether we like it or not, and thankfully, they both have very, very entertaining fighting styles. Northcutt - who is basically the lovechild of Tim Tebow and Guy Fieri - does all sorts of karate high kicks and shit while Gall prefers to punch people hard, take them down, and then punch them so many times in a row they forget they used to be professional wrestlers. Call it a hunch, but I reckon this probably won't be the only time we see these two square off in the Octagon...

Northcutt with less hair gel than usual. Gall looking for a takedown and he gets it. Now Sage is looking for a choke. Gall somewhere between the full mount and side control. Gall looking for a guillotine. Gall with a DEEP choke in, but Northcutt escapes. He's making Sage eat a ton of elbows. Nasty hammerfist from Sage. Northcutt basically turtling up. Now both men are standing. Gall catches a kick and takes Sage down. Gall with a million billion punches as the round expires. 10-9 for Gall.

Round two. Northcutt with a hard left. Gall goes down, but he pops right back up. Sage with another nasty left hook, Now Gall's bleeding. Gall drops Northcutt with a hard shot and now he's looking for a rear naked choke. AND NORTHCUTT TAPS.

The official time is 1:40 of round two. Gall pimps a BJJ school in N.J. He says he wants to drop down to 155. He challenges Dan Hardy in his comeback fight. The crowd boos, because fuck N.J., that's why.

And here's another UFC 207 promo, pimping the shit out of Ronda Rousey's return.

And now, here's an interview segment with Skip "literally cancer" Bayless. Well, fuck this.

Now the analysts are making their picks for the main event."Each of these fighters display a rare combination of beauty and aggression," Goldberg states. And that's our cue for yet another hype video...

Women's Strawweight Bout
Paige VanZant (7-2-0-0) vs. Michelle Waterson (13-4-0-0)

Let's just call it what it is - the first UFC fight ever that also doubles as extremely guilty spankin' fodder. Sure, there are some decent enough looking gals in the women's divisions, but nine times out of ten, both fighters usually look like veteran WNBA players, and that's ... well, that's exactly what it is. But here? We've got a 115-pound femme fatale that's pretty enough for Dancing with the Stars who looks JUST like that one cheerleader you always wanted to bone in high school and in the other corner? This fine ass Asian whose nickname is literally "The Karate Hottie." Call me a chauvinist piece of shit if you want, but good lord, are we all praying for an unfortunate "wardrobe malfunction" in tandem with a tape delay snafu in this one...

Waterson doesn't get much of an ovation but VanZant gets a pretty loud pop. Waterson with some sidekicks early. Brief punch exchange. Waterson with a midsection kick and a quick jab. VanZant looking for a Superwoman punch. Clinch against the cage. Sweet headlock takedown from Waterson. Now she's looking for a choke. It's tight and she has a bodylock in. PVZ hanging in there, though. And as as soon as I type that, the ref waves off the fight.

The time is 3:21 of round one. Wow, Waterson sure does like talking about her daughter a lot. "I'm not dreaming, I'm wide awake," she says before making out with her husband in the Octagon. 

Up next, we've got ... well, a good 40 minutes of TV time to squander. Yeah guys, do you mind if I check out early on this one? I mean, life is just WAY too short to sit through Jon Anik commentary. Well ... unless the next half hour of TV is just going to be Cody Garbrandt and Dominick Cruz jawing off to one another. That's better than actually watching the fights, in most instances.

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