Sunday, September 24, 2017

LIVE(ish) Play-By-Play From Week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Paleface score heap points - a.k.a., let's all take a (Wounded) Knee"

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including today's road game against Washington. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Sept. 24 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 3's Raiders vs. Redskins game, with the festivities beginning at 8 p.m. eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter) 

3:33 PM - We're about five hours from kickoff, but I've got some free time so I'll just hurry up and lay out the pregame statistics.

3:34 PM - For the Raiders, safety Sean Smith is questionable. For the Redskins, safety Montae Nicholson, linebacker Mason Foster, running back Rob Kelley, tight end Jordan Reed and cornerback Josh Norman are all gametime decisions.

3:37 PPM - The Raiders are three point favorites and the under/over is set at 53.5. ESPN's Pro Football Index says the Raiders have a 50.8 percent chance of winning the game and there's a 0.4 percent chance of a tie. 

3:39 PM - Heading into tonight's game Derek Carr has 5 TDs and 492 passing yards. Kirk Cousins has two TDs, 1 INT and 419 yards. 

3:40 PM - Oakland's top rusher is Marshawn Lynch (121 yards, 1 TD) while Washington's most productive back is Rob Kelley (108 yards.) The Raiders' top receiver is Michael Crabtree (three touchdowns, 163 yards) and the Redskins' top receiver is Terrelle Pryor (97 yards) - who, as fate would have it, was the Raiders' starting QB just four seasons ago.

7:37 PM - Time for an update about an hour ahead of kickoff. Sean Smith has been upgraded to ACTIVE for tonight's game. Meanwhile, Jordan Reed and Rob Kelley have both been ruled inactive for the contest.

7:38 PM - And a few more numbers while we have the time. The Raiders are posting 246 passing yards a game and 144.5 rushing yards per game. For the Redskins the numbers are 209.5 yards passing per game and 146.5 yards rushing (but remember, they are without their best running back tonight.)

7:40 PM - And in terms of defense? The Raiders are allowing 211 passing yards per game and 110.5 yards rushing per game. The Redskins are allowing 277 yards passing per game and 77.5 yards per game rushing. 

7:41 PM - Overall, the Raiders are putting up 35.5 points per game and allowing 18. The Redskins are putting up 22 per game and allowing 25.

7:51 PM - Now Donald Penn's talking shit about Donald Trump. Man, what a time to be alive; a world in which *standing* for a tribute to dead soldiers is considered "offensive."

8:29 PM - Derek Carr was the only Raider standing for the anthem. And even then, it looked more like he was praying than doing anything else. 

8:30 PM - As it turns out, if the Raiders were to have stayed in the locker room, they would have been penalized 15 yards and forfeited the coin toss. And now Chris Collins is flapping his gums against Trump. 

8:31 PM - Oh, that's right, we have an actual football game to accompany all this virtue signalling bullshit. Raiders get possession first at their own 25 following a touchback.

8:32 PM - Lynch runs it up the gut for about three.

8:32 PM - Second and 7. Monte Nicholson with an interception. That's Carr's first INT of the season.

8:33 PM - They're reviewing whether Nicholson got touched by Cooper after the INT. Apparently, he did, so that negates his runback.

8:34 PM - Still reviewing it. Alright, that puts the ball back 25 yards.

8:36 PM - At the WSH 33. Khalil Mack gobbles up the back after a short pick-up.

8:37 PM - Second and eight. Washington's rookie back gets a short gain.

8:37 PM - Third and six. Vernon Davis gets bounced out of bounds at the OAK 47. That's a 26-yard pass.

8:38 PM - The back gets hit right at the line.

8:39 PM - Second and 9. Crowder gets enough to move the chains.

8:39 PM - Samaje Perine runs it up the gut. 

8:40 PM - Second and six. Perine gets hit right at the line.

8:40 PM - Third and five. And Thompson gallops in for a TD.

8:41 PM - The PAT is good. The Redskins lead it 7-0.

8:44 PM - That's going to be a touchback. Raiders get it back at their own 25.

8:45 PM - Lynch runs it for three.

8:46 PM - Second and seven. And Carr gets sacked.

8:46 PM - Third and 13. And Carr gets sacked AGAIN. Raiders have to punt.

8:50 PM - A five yard gain for Perine on first down.

8:51 PM - Cousins hit as he throws, but the tight end still makes the catch. 

8:51 PM - Good pressure from Mario Edwards, Jr. Third and nine. A flag is down.

8:52 PM - False start against the offense. That's a five yard penalty against Washington.

8:53 PM - Crowder makes the catch but he's three yards shy of moving the sticks. Flags are down.

8:53 PM - Pass interference against the offense. The Raiders decline. Redskins have to punt.

8:54 PM - Richard goes down at the OAK 11.

8:56 PM - Patterson gets almost nine on the run.

8:56 PM - Second and two. Incomplete to Cook.

8:57 PM - Third and 2. And Lynch gets dropped well short of the first down marker.

8:58 PM - Raiders punt. The return man fair catches it at the WSH 19.

9:01 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the run.

9:02 PM - Yep, Perine is that kid from Oklahoma. Second and 8. Flags everywhere. It's offsides on the Redskins.

9:02 PM - Second and 13. Caught by Ryan Grant at the WSH 31.

9:03 PM - Conley got beat bad on that one. Cousins hit as he's thrown, but Pryor makes the catch.

9:03 PM - Second and three. Looks like Perine got hit by a loss.

9:04 PM - Third and six. The pass is too high. Redskins are forced to punt.

9:05 PM - Richard fair catches it at the OAK 22.

9:06 PM - Crabtree drops the pass.

9:06 PM - Second and 10. Lynch rumbles for about five.

9:07 PM - Third and five. And Amari Cooper hauls in the pass to give Carr his first completion of the game. But flags are down.

9:08 PM - It's a holding call against the Raiders. Time to scooch back ten yards.

9:09 PM - And that's the end of the quarter.

9:11 PM - Third and nine. And Cooper can't reel it in. Raiders must punt.

9:12 PM - The Redskins down it at their own 16.

9:13 PM - Davis scrambles for about seven. Flags are down.

9:14 PM - Holding against the Redskins. It's on Pryor. 

9:15 PM - First and 20. Perine takes it for about 10.

9:15 PM - Second and 11. Thompson runs for about four.

9:15 PM - Third and three. So I guess that last run was longer than four yards. AND COUSINS GETS SACKED BY MACK!

9:16 PM - Richard gets wrapped up at the OAK 30. 

9:20 PM - Cook takes a pass about eight, maybe nine yards.

9:21 PM - Neutral zone infraction against Washington. So the Raiders get an automatic first down.

9:21 PM - Lynch runs for about one yard.

9:21 PM - Second and nine. Lynch with about seven yards on a catch.

9:21 PM - Third and one. And Carr throws ANOTHER interception. 

9:23 PM - Perine runs for about nine.

9:23 PM - The back gets about three yards on run.

9:24 PM - Grant runs enough for a first down.

9:24 PM - Perine runs for about eight.

9:25 PM - Pryor gets both feet in for a huge gain.

9:26 PM - Perine gets maybe a yard on the first down run.

9:26 PM - Davis with a short gain.

9:27 PM - Third and six. And Crowder gets enough to move the sticks.

9:27 PM - Perine takes it to the OAK 15.

9:28 PM - Second and six. Crowder hit right at the line.

Your pick: virtue signal or actually win fucking football games.

9:29 PM - Third and nine. And there's Vernon Davis for the touchdown. 

9:30 PM - The PAT is good. Redskins extend their lead to 14-0.

9:33 PM - Raiders take the touchback. 

9:33 PM - Richard runs for about 11. 

9:34 PM - Richard gets four on the catch.

9:34 PM - Richard hit for a huge loss on second and 6.

9:35 PM - Third and 13. Olawale is in the backfield. And there's the two minute warning.

9:38 PM - Third and 13. Seth Robert picks up the pass, but he's why short of the first down marker.

9;40 PM - Raiders punt again.

9:42 PM - Redskins take over at their own 15. Thompson with a 13-yard run.

9:43 PM - Thompson takes it up to midfield before being pushed out of bounds.

9:44 PM - That was a 23 yard gain. It's incomplete on second down.

9:44 PM - Thompson runs it up the gut for a short gain. The Skins take a timeout.

9:45 PM - Third and six. Looks like Davis is a yard shy. But the refs give Washington a good spot so it's a de facto first down.

9:46 PM - Now they're going to look at the spot of the ball.

9:48 PM - Now the refs are saying it's short. The clock has been rolled back to 39 seconds.

9:48 PM - Fourth and inches. The Skins take a delay of game penalty.

9:50 PM - Skins punt. TJ Carrie fair catches it inside the Raiders' 15.

9:51 PM - The Raiders just take a knee, and that's it for the first half.

9:52 PM - Well, this game has been an absolute disaster for the Raiders thus far. Derek Carr has been sacked twice, thrown two interceptions and recorded only five completions for 32 yards. Their run game isn't do much better, having accumulated just 24 yards of ground offense after two quarters of play.

9:53 PM - Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins has thrown two TDs and racked up 173 passing yards, while Perine alone has 11 more yards than Oakland's entire backfield.

9:53 PM - The Raiders REALLY have to get their shit together. But then again, this IS what happens when you spend all day trying to figure out the best way to symbolically say "Fuck Trump" instead of adequately preparing for the job you're paid to do.

10:08 PM - Raiders challenging whether or not Thompson was down seven yards earlier than the refs have ruled.

10:09 PM - And that's exactly what the refs declare. The ball goes back a couple. 

10:10 PM - Perine runs up the middle for a few. Offense gets hit with a holding call.

10:11 PM - First and 20. Thompson goes nowhere.

10:11 PM - Second and 20. Thompson runs for about 15. 

10:12 PM - Third and five. Yep, Thompson converts.

10:13 PM - And a rookie receiver just reeled in a 52-yard TD. FUCK THIS TEAM.

10:14 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 21-0.

10:16 PM - Carr is sacked. That's number three on the day.

10:18 PM - Lynch gets four yards on the run.

10:19 PM - And Carr is sacked AGAIN.

10:20 PM - Raiders punt. Crowder takes it to the OAK 40.

10:21 PM -Third and three for Washington. Amerson breaks up the pass.

10:25 PM - Well, at least the kicker fucked up the field goal. Still 21-0, Washington.

10:28 PM - Raiders take over around their own 40. 

10:29 PM - Second and 10. Cook takes it to the OAK 48.

10:29 PM - Third and three. Roberts is hit behind the line.

10:30 PM - Raiders have to punt. Again.

10:30 PM - Thankfully, James Crowser (the white guy who looks like frat boy Thor) recovers Crowder's muffed punt. 

10:31 PM - The Raiders take over at the WSH 20. 

10:31 PM - And Lynch is hit WAY behind the line.

10:31 PM - Second and 13. Cook with what appears to be a touchdown haul. But a flag is down.

10:32 PM - It's holding against the Redskins. The Raiders, obviously, decline it and take the six points. 

10:34 PM - Tavecchio's kick is good. It's 21-7, Washington.

10:37 PM - The Redskins take the touchback. Perine gets maybe a yard.

10:38 PM - Second and nine. The pass is incomplete.

10:38 PM - Third and nine. Cousins runs for a new set of downs. But an offensive holding takes it back.

10:39 PM - Third and 19 now. And Thompson takes it 74 yards to the OAK 10.

10:40 PM - Second and goal. Perine gets half the distance. 

10:42 PM - Third down and goal. Crowder hit at the line.

10:43 PM - Redskins bring the field goal unit out.

10:43 PM - And the Skins let the clock run out. That's the end of the third.

10:46 PM - The kick is good. Washington leads, 24-7. 

10:47 PM - Patterson takes it to the 22. 

10:48 PM - Crabtree gets about seven on the catch.

10:48 PM - Second and three. Washington runs to move the sticks. Flags are down.

10:48 PM - Holding on the Raiders. That's a ten yard penalty.

10:49 PM - Third and 12. And Crabtree can't hold on to the deep shot. 

10:51 PM - Raiders punt.

10:54 PM - Perine loses the ball at the 11, and the Raiders RECOVER. That was Cowser with his SECOND fumble recovery of the game.

10:55 PM - Also, it looks like Perine is hurt.

10:56 PM - Flags EVERYWHERE in the end zone.

10:56 PM - It's against Washington. That puts Raiders pretty much at the one yard line. 

10:56 PM - Cook's pass is broken up.

10:57 PM - Second and goal. The end zone shot towards Patterson is broken up.

10:58 PM - Third and goal. Donald Penn falls down, so Carr just throws it away. Time for a field goal.

10:59 PM - The Italian makes it. It's 24-10, Redskins.

11:02 PM - Redskins takeover at their own 25. The new running back is Matt Brown, and he goes nowhere. 

11:03 PM - Second and nine. Crowder takes it to about midfield.

11:03 PM - Thompson runs for about nine.

11:04 PM - The back goes up the gut for  first down.

11:05 PM - Brown takes it to the OAK 20.

11:06 PM - Second and four. The back doesn't get far.

11:07 PM - Third and four. The Skins take a timeout.

11:11 PM - Third and four. Cousins scrambles, but he can't make it past the first down marker.

11:11 PM - Fourth and 2. The Redskins kick it through the uprights. It's 27-10, Washington.

11:15 PM - Almost intercepted on a bobbled pass.

11:16 PM - Patterson catches it along the sideline for a seven yard gain.

11:16 PM - Fourth and three. Carr runs and slides into the OAK 40.

11:18 PM - Washington with a three yard gain.

11:18 PM - Great, Michael Crabtree has some kind of chest injury. Second and 7. The pass to Roberts is no good. Flag down.

11:19 PM - It's against the Raiders. Second and 17. Walford barely gets past the line of scrimmage.

11:20 PM - Third and 18. He overthrows Cooper on a long shot.

11:21 PM - False start call against the Raides.

11:21 PM - Fourth and 23. Roberts fumbles the ball away, and it's turnover on downs. 

11:22 PM - There's the two minute warning.

11:31 PM - And that's the ball game. Our final score from Landover, Mary? Redskins 27, Raiders 10.

11:32 PM - Good job, you buncha' fucks. You really earned this one.

Saturday, September 23, 2017

DOUBLE REVIEW: 'Abacus: Too Small To Jail' / 'Goon: Last of the Enforcers'

How about this for diversity: one flick about Chinese-American bankers getting the screws put to 'em by the feds and another about American actors pretending to be violent, retarded Canadians?

By: Jimbo X

A couple days back my good biracial buddy DeKeith stopped by my humble abode and started banging on the front door. 

"Jimbo, Jimbo, you gotta' come quick!" he yelled while I finished my morning bowl of Count Chocula and limited time only Halloween-themed Oreos. "There's this new thing you gotta come check out with me - it's called foot golf."

Now, right then and there I shoulda' known better. As we all know, the only kinda golf that means Jack Shit to anybody is the kind where you whack balls inside a giant clown's mouth, and obviously, that wasn't the kind of golf DeKeith was talkin' about. 

Alas, I put on my finest mildly worn Los Angeles Kings jersey and yesterday's cargo shorts and hopped in DeKeith's 1993 turqoise Hyundai Elantra and about an hour later, there I was listening to some spiky-haired fruit basket named Chad telling me the ins and outs of kicking a goddamn soccer ball around a golf course.

Boy, I wish I was being facetious with ya, but honest to goodness, this "foot golf" claptrap DeKeith dragged me outta bed at noon for was exactly what the name implies. It's on a golf course, they give you a regular old soccer ball and then you take turns punting the sumbitch until you make it to this big old bucket underneath a flag. Rinse, repeat and regurgitate 9 times and voila, that's foot golf for ya. 

It was at that point that I began questioning the authenticity of DeKeith's supposed half-black ancestry, 'cause I couldn't think of anything whiter than this shit right here. Being a member of the Ku Klux Klan while drinking a glass of skim milk isn't as white as foot golf. Listening to Perry Como while hockey's on the tube and you're eating a mayonnaise sammich isn't as white as foot golf. The Osmonds and the Romneys discussing the merits of L. Ron Hubbard's bibliography isn't as white as foot golf. Hell, every single albino person in the world getting together and having a gangbang and cumming at the exact same time isn't as white as foot golf. Just saying the name "foot golf" makes your teeth a little bit sparklier and makes you just a smidge more suspicious of the Meskins. It's the figurative embodiment of whiteness, something genetically engineered to only appeal to the most Caucasian of Caucasoids. It's a pastime created for people named Tanner and Madeline who think recreational suburban biking is a little bit too ethnic-sounding for their liking. 

But for whatever reason, DeKeith was all about this waste of time, effort, and greenspace fertilizer. He really thought he was hot shit when he boomed that little rubber ball 10 feet in the air and watched it sail across the field in a 30 yard arc. He was so damned happy, you'd think he just booted a Super Bowl-winning field goal, or finally found out who his real biological father was. But me? The first time I stepped up to the plate, I felt about as excited as a Jew at a broken ATM machine. I barely wrenched back my left leg, took a five-yard step back, jogged for about 1.3 seconds and laid into the soccer ball's hide with the very tip of my Reebok dead goddamn center. The thing went zooming about 30 feet in an upward trajectory, like a Delta jet taking off, before suddenly plummeting out of the sky like God himself gave it the old Macho Man Randy Savage elbow drop. The ball goes straight up, then it goes straight down. And I've got another football field ahead of me before we can move onto the second hole. The shit took three fuckin' hours to finish, and I ain't even yanking your chain. And the worst part? I paid $20 of my own money for such nonsense, and DeKeith didn't even have the common biracial decency to pick me up at least $20 in Taco Bell produce afterward as a repayment.

What's the deal with all these new recreational activities, anyway? Why the hell are 30-year-olds out at the park wearing $200 sweat-resistant, NASA-engineered polymer jerseys playing ultimate frisbee and disc golf instead of doing more adult things, like betting their week's paychecks on the outcomes of real sports played by real athletes? That these tools even have the time on their schedules to put on their fruity Atlanta United jerseys and juice up their Nissan Leafs to spend half a Saturday kicking a soccer ball across a golf course tells you exactly what kind of people you're dealing with. They've got too much money, they've got too much leisure time, and they're way too obsessed with recreational tomfoolery. In other words, they're the new WASPS - white assholes playing stupid sports.

So if any of your pals invited you to a round of "foot golf," I suggest you do the same thing I wished I would've done to DeKeith - invite 'em to play a new activity called "My Foot Up Your Ass Golf," which as the name implies, involves burnin' plenty of calories walloping Millennial keisters up and down the back nine.

Let's see - we've got dragons, people doing kung-fu and guys smoking in front of Buddha figurines; looks like somebody's about to win "Stereotypical Chinese Iconography Bingo!"

Speaking of things everybody ought to do, you really don't have an excuse to not check out Steve James' latest documentary Abacus: Small Enough to Jail. That's primarily because the thing just got picked up by PBS and you can stream it online any damn time you want for free right here.

Never heard of James before? Well, next to Errol Morris or Werner Herzog, he's probably the best documentary filmmaker alive right now, a guy with an uncanny ability to make surprisingly engrossing movies about the blandest sounding subjects. He's prolly best known for making 1994's Hoop Dreams (about poor ass kids from the hood getting bussed into the 'burbs of Chicago to play basketball for rich-ass private schools), but he's also responsible for giving us two of the best documentaries of the decade - The Interrupters (about a bunch of community volunteers trying to convince Chicago's eighth-graders to quit shootin' each other over their sneakers and callin' each other's mamas bad names) and Head Games (about people getting concussions playing football and soccer and the professional sports industrial complex trying to cover it all up.) Hell, even his documentary about Roger Ebert was about 100 times more enjoyable than it prolly had any right to be, and that's coming from a guy that pretty much hates old Egg-bert's guts. The important takeaway here is that this James fella knows how make a damn documentary, and this Abacus movie is no exception.

As the name suggests, it's about the Abacus Federal Savings Bank, this firm in Chinatown that got indicted by the feds for mortgage fraud back in 2015. It starts off with Sung family - led by bank founder Thomas Sung, who gives all his daughters high-level jobs working for his business - watching It's A Wonderful Life and talking about how their dream was to come to America and open up a bank so fellow Chinese people can start restaurants and not pay taxes, either, Well, they buy live crabs on the streets of Chinatown and there's a whole bunch of stock footage from the 1950s showing what banks in New York used to look like and Thomas talks about how much he hates driving from Greenwich, Conn. to NYC every day, and then, we're introduced to this guy named Ken Yu, who alongside two other loan officers tried to take some money from a couple of closers. So the bank hands over their books to the feds, and the prosecutors decide the loan department is corrupt as fuck, so they arrest the whole family and chain 'em together and make 'em walk to the drunk tank in the classic "Gracie Train" formation while shielding their faces from the newspaper people. Then this snaggletoothed journalist talks about how the D.A. wouldn't have done that with black clients and this one Chinese women working for the D.A. gets so pissed about it she turns in her resignation right then and there. Then this guy named Don "Community Activist" Lee does some rabble-rousing, and he's got a James Brown haircut that looks even better than the one Maxine Waters has.

So the formal case begins in Feb. 2015 and the Sungs know what's up so they hire this one Jew lawyer who says calling Fannie Mae a victim is like calling a dog's tail its fifth leg during his opening statements, and then Tom gets mad at him for not emoting enough in front of the jury. Then all of the Sungs get together for some egg foo young and yell at each other, but they're such workaholics that they keep doing their normal paperwork even though they're all on trial for 80 counts of grand larceny and conspiracy. Naturally, this leads to plenty of witness stand dramatizations, complete with jurors from the actual trial being brought in, like this one blonde white girl who's all like "so, uh, how long did you guys KNOW he was doing this shit again?" while the snaggletoothed journalist is all like "well, yeah, what they did WAS wrong, but Chase and CitiBank did WAY worse, so we better just forgive 'em and forget all about it."

Then we get to the scene where I (and prolly everybody else watchin' the movie) got *yay* close to shutting the thing off in disgust; when MATT TAIBBI gets some screentime to flap his big fat gums about Wall Street. Thankfully, he's only in the movie for about 15 seconds, but still, that's 15 seconds too many of Matt Taibbi than it's safe for anyone to be exposed to. Then we get some bar graphs about the big banks costing America $22 trillion in the Great Recession and this one Chinawoman from The New Yorker talks about the seating arrangements at Abacus and then the blonde, white juror that wears too much lip gloss is like "how could you NOT know this shit was going on when you were literally breathing noodle breathe on each other all day?" and then Sung formally gets indicted and he talks about a scandal in 2003 when a banker stole a million dollars from his company and almost got the whole outfit shut down then.

Then we get a bunch of lib-uh-rul talking heads that blame the borrowers for misleading the bank, with one gal saying "I don't think any of the borrowers think they are really committing a crime, even if some of these loan documents are falsified." Then there's this story about a couple making $24K a year combined getting approved for a half million dollar Abacus loan and that dentally-challenged investigative reporter form earlier gets a solid 10.0 in freestyle mental gymnastics coming up with an excuse for why cultural differences on what constitutes a loan makes it OK for Chinatown workers to not pay federal income tax. 

Then the Sungs eat a big plate of Kung Pao chicken while drafting a "race card" heavy press release in anticipation of being found guilty, and the movie starts to dip for a bit while they keep yammering on and on about how great their default rates are and they kinda' sorta' admit that most of the time they did lie about loans, but even if it is a crime, is it really the type of consumer fraud we ought to be going after? Naturally, this leads to one lib-uh-rul white talking head comparing Abacus employees committing millions in mortgage fraud to jaywalking, because they really gave up on critical thinking about 35 years ago.

Well, considering the Sungs are still around to star in the documentary, I reckon I'm not spoiling too much when I say they DON'T get sent down the creek at the end of the trial. In fact, the movie ends with Tommy Sung telling his wife she can finally start showing emotions again and then an investor says "you had the revenge for us - ha-ha!" while drinking champagne and eating cake in their executive boardroom. Which, naturally, is a segue into the film's concluding quip-cum-moral of the story; when it comes to fighting the feds in court, "you still have a chance, but it'll cost you $10 million."

So yeah, it's a movie with some painfully obvious biases that prolly paints its subjects in far too flattering a light, but there's no denying it's a great procedural courtroom drama and a solid sociocultural analysis of something that seems like it would be about as interesting as watching slugs sleep. That, and it's got a tremendous finale that all modern day action and horror movies could learn a thing or two from; if you want to see some tense-ass story-telling, you definitely need to stay tuned for the final 15 minutes of this flick. 

We've got no dead bodies. No breasts. No car chases. One massive bank run, with pushing, shoving and police harassment. Gratuitous It's A Wonderful Life references. Chopstick fu. Family bickering fu. Perjury fu. Tax Evasion fu. And the thing more or less responsible for the movie existing in the first place, some serious dramatic recreation fu.

Featuring Thomas Sung as the head honcho of the embattled Chinatown bank, who says "yes, I do need a haircut to make me feel more energetic, especially as I grow older"; Polly Greenberg as the ice queen high priestess of the New York D.A.'s major economic crimes bureau who says "Abacus was not exonerated ... exoneration is when a person is proven innocent"; Ken Yu as the disgraced loan officer who perjures himself about 50 times during his own cross-examination; Jessica Woodby-Denema as the blonde juror that don't buy the Sungs' chop-suey; and David Lindorff as the "investigative journalist" who actually has a monologue explaining why subprime loans are a good thing if you only give 'em to the Chinese.

I give it three stars out of four. Jimbo says check it out, because you might as well since your tax dollars are already paying for it to be on Frontline.

It's amazing: how can a country into a sport so violently awesome have the most cucked politics west of the Euro Zone?

Speaking of signs and symptoms of communism, for whatever reason our second feature of the week - Goon: Last of the Enforcers - has been limited to about 20 screens across the U.S. and Canada, and it's a shame, too, because it's easily the best low-budget, blood-soaked comedy about concussion-addled Nova Scotians saying "fuck" a lot and beating each other into temporary comas since, well, the first Goon movie, I suppose. 

I still think the original Goon from 2011 is one of the best sports comedies of the last 25 years and probably the best hockey movie anybody's made since Slap Shot back in '77. While Last of the Enforcers doesn't exactly surpass its predecessor, it's pretty dang close to it, especially when it comes to the on-ice fisticuffs and lines about Slovenians saying "we are brothers, we power fuck your mother" before giving teammates sperm-tainted hoagies.

Once again Seann William Scott turns in a five star performance as probable retard Doug Glatt (who is very loosely based on a real person), quite possible the greatest Jewish defenseman in the history of minor league Halifax hockey. This time around the NHL is on strike so all the hockey-hungry Canucks are anxious to see Glatt and his semi-pro squad pummel the fuck out of teams from Reading, Penn., but on opening night he gets into a brawl with this towering brute named Anders Cain, who roughs up Glatt so bad it forces him into temporary retirement. And since his moon-faced wife from the last movie has a bun in the oven, he really doesn't have much of a choice with his career options and winds up working for this one insurance firm where his boss makes him work out of a storage closet next to a window where homeless people blow each other and piss against the glass all day.

Well, one night Glatt and his buddy Ronnie from the first movie go to this thing called the "Bruised and Battered Hockey Tournament," where retired hockey players punch each other in the teeth for a $400 grand prize. As it turns out, that's how Glatt's old mentor Ross Rhea (played by Liev Schreiber, who, considering he also played the titular character in the comedy biopic Chuck, is apparently the new go-to-guy to play past-their-prime athletes in violent sports comedies) is making his bread nowadays, and it isn't long before Doug is sneaking off in the middle of the night so he can be retrained on how to hit people with only half his tendons in his right arm working anymore.

After that Glatt's old team goes on a losing streak and the owner decides, what the hell, why NOT bring in this Anders Cain kid, but even though his dad owns the squad, he keeps going psycho on the ice and gets suspended. So naturally, Glatt decides to rejoin the team, but only after promising his wife he isn't going to get in any more fights. Without giving away the ending, let's just say Glatt does a pretty good job obeying his wife's wishes ... that is, until Cain gets traded to the team Glatt's team is going to play on the last day of the season, and in the first period Cain decides to take Ross out with a nasty blindside swipe.

All I'm going to say is in the final ten minutes of this movie, we've got more blood sprayin' around than I've ever seen in a flick where somebody doesn't immediately die from plasma loss five seconds later. And you better believe the CGI incisors and bicuspids are gonna' be flyin' at 'ya, fast and furiously.

We've got no dead bodies. No breasts. Thirteen fist fights. One five-on-five battle royale. One broken stick. One atomic wedgie. Teeth roll. Semen-contaminated sandwich eating. Gratuitous headbutting. Gratuitous vomiting. Gratuitous energy drink chugging. Gratuitous autoerotic asphyxiation subplot. Gratuitous slow-mo blood spewing. And the thing more or less responsible for this movie existing in the first place, extremely lax enforcement of instigator penalties fu.

Starring Seann William Scott as Doug Glatt, the hockey-defensemen-turned-insurance-salesman-turned-hockey-defensemen-again, who begins the movie by saying "one time I had a dream I was captain of a monkey ship" and describes hot dogs as "it's like a sausage sandwich, it looks like a penis."; Alison Pill as Eva, the preggers wife who says "me and this baby are going to eat the shit out of this pad thai."; Liev Schreiber as veteran ass kicker Ross Rhea, who remarks "holy shit on Mary's tits" and teaches Glatt how to wallop people one-handed; Kim Coates as Ronnie Hortense, who says "Mazel Tov, in your ass" and "kids today, with their YouTube and their fucking ISIS" and spends literally the whole movie wearing a hat that reads "fuck white people"; and Wyatt Russell as the big bad Anders Cain, whose terrifying battle cry is "anybody here like fucking sunflower seeds?"

Co-written by Jesse Chabot, who probably deserves a Best Screenplay Oscar for simply coming up with lines like "animals don't eat in peace, animals eat pieces of shit," "it's tighter than a nun's cunt in there" and "we're going to stick this power play right up their sphincters, no KY," and directed by first time director Jay Baruchel, who you can tell is going to be a force to be reckoned with in degenerate cinema over the next few years because when he makes his actors say "I got two balls, not two pieces of pussy," and "I suppose there's no rule about drinking the opposing team's Gatorade," you believe them

I give it three stars out of four. Jimbo says check it out - it ain't quite as good as the original, but it still knocks the teeth outta' the mouth of just about every other wide release comedy Hollywood's cranked out this year. And it gets bonus points for being the first movie this century to unironically feature the music of both Nazareth and Stan Bush, not out of desperate nostalgia, but because that's probably the kind of music the director actually listens to.

Friday, September 22, 2017

100 Reasons Why Hillary Clinton REALLY Lost

There's no need to pick up What Happened - this list tells you EXACTLY why old Hill failed to win last year's presidential election.

By: Jimbo X

Unless you've been living under a rock because Barack Obama's tactical strikes on your homeland turned you into a refugee - or you're still without a Wi-Fi connection 'cause your city officials spent more time tryin' to take down Confederate statues than insuring the local infrastructure could handle more then six inches of precipitation before crumbling apart - you've probably heard a thing or two about Hillary Clinton's new tell-all book, What Happened. Notice it's What Happened without a question mark at the end; that makes it a declarative statement instead of an inquiry, which tells you upfront the 512-page cinder block of a tome ain't even remotely concerned with locating the causes of her electoral defeat last November, just a platform for her septuagenarian ass to blame everything and anybody for screwing her over, which in a way, kinda makes her the 1997 Bret Hart of modern presidential also-rans. 

Old Hill has been all over the media the last two weeks, pimping and promoting her book on The View and Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow and all the other reasons I don't own a TV no more. Alas, because of the book's steep $17.99 asking price and I'm afraid she might try to Vince Foster/Seth Rich me if I illegally download it in PDF form, I've had to take everybody else's word for it on what the book's really about. Now, from the handful of passages I've seen circulatin' around on the message boards - particularly, this one part where Hill talks about having all these moms drag their daughters up to her to atone for not voting - it strikes me as your usual literary cult-of-personality bowl o' sour grapes, like all them mea culpas professional athletes hire people to write for 'em after they get busted for doing steroids and beating their wives. The only difference is, old Hill ain't taking self-responsibility for nothing. Indeed, other online commentators have come up with lists of 50-plus things she blames in the new book for her losing the election, running the gamut from you typical intangible constructs (racism, sexism, pretty much every "ism" you can think or except "Marxism" or just plain "jism") to there being too many damned conservative documentaries on Netflix. 

Now, I'm assuming old Hill won't listen to nobody else about why she lost, especially not some Internet comedy writer such as myself. But instead of blaming her loss on Facebook and white supremacy, maybe she ought to listen to some of the people who voted against her last November and take it as what you liberal fellas so often call "a learning experience." As a matter of fact, I've been able to come up with a list of no less than one hundred potential and probable reasons why the American electorate didn't cast their vote for H-R-C last N-O-V, and maybe - just maybe - John Podesta will take enough time away from cruising the dark web for photos of preteens to actually forward Hill the full, unabridged list of REASONS (not excuses) as to why Donald Trump thumped her at the polls ... 

1. "Fuck white people" isn't the best presidential slogan.

2. Building an entire campaign solely around having a vagina is a terrible idea.

3. Even people naive enough to believe Bernie Sanders weren't dense enough to fall for her bullshit

4. There are more legal Americans in the U.S. than illegal ones. 

5. A lot of Americans believe keeping their jobs is a more important campaign issue than the self esteem of middle school girls.

6. Many people believe taking advantage of sluts isn't as morally reprehensible as selling out the country to international bankers

7. Allegedly grabbing a vagina isn't really on par with actually giving nuclear arsenal intelligence to terrorists.

8. A lot of Americans would prefer to live in the United States of America as opposed to the United States of Goldman Sachs.

9. A lot of voters realize it's not that your secrets got leaked that's important, but what the irrefutable leaks revealed about your policy-making decisions.

10. Comparing yourself to old Mexican women doesn't actually endear you to Mexican voters.

11. Blaming your two-faced campaign stances on Abraham Lincoln in front of a live national audience makes you look really, really stupid.

12. Deep down, black women hate white women more than they hate white men.

13. And along those same lines, condensing your campaign message to African-American voters to "here's what I think about welfare and drug sentencing" is kinda' insulting.

14. Some people remember you took bribes from the Chinese back in the 1990s - you know, back when foreign meddling in American elections was no biggie

15. Acting like you have the entire presidential election in the bag from day one is a really good way to make people think you're a smug old cunt.

16. It's kinda' hard to position yourself as a strong, independent, self-made woman when you owe your entire political career to fucking a former president.

17. People tend to not trust people who are OK with their spouses committing adultery if it means they get a shot at more executive power a few years down the road.

18. Many voters are hesitant to cast their ballots for people who are really, REALLY optimistic about going to war with Syria

19. When you say Obamacare is really great but also say you want to replace it with something else - and you can't explain what that "new" health care model is, or why it's superior to the old one - people tend to get suspicious.

20. There's way more N.R.A. members in the country than transgenders. 

21. Some people think geopolitics is more important than identity politics.

22. NOBODY trusts a person who is close personal friends with a guy named Wiener.

23. Accepting campaign contributions - and numerous plane rides - from a convicted pedophile sorta' comes off as iffy.

24. Chiding people who make $12 an hour working in coal mines for their inherent racial and gender privilege isn't a great way to make friends.

25. Constantly berating blue collar workers for their "lack of education" comes off as condescending, if not outright classist.

Carpet 1, carpet muncher 0.

26. Calling political rivals "deplorables" instead of actually explaining why your policy platforms would (hypothetically) financially benefit them is stupid.

27. People notice you keep changing your accent depending on what part of the country you're delivering a speech.

28. For half the electorate, the media referring to you as "Barack Obama's third term" isn't a compliment. 

29. Immigrants from totalitarian countries aren't exactly the biggest fans of more state control.

30. Embracing the LGBT community as "heroes" and telling the military and police to go fuck themselves isn't a wise demographic move - especially when there's twice as many veterans as there are lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and queers combined in the United States.

31. Siding with people who set shit on fire and smash windows to "fight social injustice" doesn't really gel with Middle America.

32. Telling people you think "content farms in Macedonia" have greater media penetration than CNN or ABC  makes you look disconnected from reality.

33. People tend to note it's a wee bit hypocritical for someone to bemoan "money in politics" yet at the same time rack up more than a billion dollars in campaign contributions

34. It's not suspicious AT ALL when you force your aides to atomize your hard drive with ball-peen hammers when the FBI asks to see it.

35. A lot of Americans aren't all that enthusiastic about their jobs getting shipped to call centers in India or sweatshops in China. 

36. More women care about grocery prices than their ability to get taxpayer-subsidized contraception.

37. Claiming to be a victim of the so-called "gender pay gap" comes off as insincere when you're getting paid $8 million a year just to give private speeches.

38. Criticizing your opponent for accepting "aid and comfort" from Russia without a shred of evidence isn't as bad as accepting ACTUAL financial contributions from the Saudi Arabians.

39. It's kind of sanctimonious to blame "fake news" on Facebook for interfering in the election when the entire news media industrial complex was actively colluding with your campaign to get *YOU* elected

40. Most small business owners would prefer not having an 80 percent tax rate.

41. More American women care about feeding their families than access to partial-birth abortions.

42. Tim Kaine is literally the most boring person she could've picked to be vice president.

43. A lot of Hispanics actually want illegal immigrants out of the country.

44. She was dense enough to think Islamic voters would be OK with having a woman in charge of the country.

45. Raising the minimum wage doesn't mean shit for people who live in parts of the country with no decent jobs within a 100 mile radius.

46. Even if they believe in climate change, a lot of Americans don't think it's worth giving up national sovereignty to combat it.

47. People are smart enough to realize making college "tuition-free" makes a university diploma about as valuable as a high school diploma. 

48. She made finding cures for Alzheimer's and autism a higher priority than making healthcare affordable for working class families.

49. Her campaign manager's name was literally an anagram of "at pedo's."

50. She couldn't decide whether the Chicago Cubs or the New York Yankees are her favorite Major League Baseball team.

Hillary, seen here doing her best Monica Lewinsky impersonation.

51. She coughs too much.

52. Everybody knows she was paying Huma Abedin to eat her pussy, but she wouldn't admit to it.

53. Just hiring enough Secret Service employees to carry her withered old bones in and out of vehicles would've been too great a tax burden.

54. Donald Trump never kissed a Klan member on the lips and referred to him as a "mentor."

55. Some people think not doing shit during Benghazi is worse than a college freshman using "the wrong pronoun."

56. People don't want George Soros to be President of the United States.

57. Rural citizens tend to not aid or abet candidates that refer to them as retarded, sister-fucking meth-addicts.

58. Even other Democrats find her "super delegate" count suspicious.

59. Bill enjoys playing with oversized balloons more than being in her company.

60. Being a "self-empowered woman" isn't really a good thing when it means fucking up the Middle East even more than George W. did

61. Barack Obama didn't even try to put her over at the Democratic National Convention (in fact, if you go back and watch his speech in slow-motion, you can actually see him blink out" seriously, don't trust this honky bitch" in Morse code.)

62. A lot of minorities don't vote, but even if they did, they probably wouldn't have voted for her.

63. Bitching about "muh voter suppression" after a record African-American voter turnout in 2012 made her look dumber than a bag of aquarium gravel.

64. She looks like an elderly Cabbage Patch Doll.

65. More people care about the national debt than student loan debt

66. She told people "vote for me or else you're a misogynist" in lieu of having an actual campaign message.

67. Her own father was a republican and she couldn't convince him to switch sides.

68. The electorate is well aware of what happened to Europe after they accepted "open borders" and "open trade."

69. Every time she laughs it sounds like she just shoved two lost German children into an oven.

70. Nobody can take a person in pantsuits seriously.

71. Middle America wants no part of anybody who associates with "spirit cookers."

72. It's totally NOT AT ALL suspicious that everybody who rats her out winds up mysteriously dead shortly thereafter.

73. Unlike her opponent, she isn't a member of the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame.

74. She colluded with Barack Obama for under-the-table pay-to-play deals and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

75. Her campaign managers actively discussed goading protesters into violence at Trump rallies and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

Apparently, Hillary Clinton was designed by the same people who made the robots at Itchy & Scratchy Land.

76. Her aides talked mad shit about the Catholics and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

77. The king of Morocco literally paid her $12 million for weapons and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

78. She was caught on tape saying the State Department NEEDED to meddle in Palestinian elections and the media refused to make it a campaign issue. 

79. She colluded with billion-dollar pharmaceutical companies to keep cheap AIDS treatments out of the U.S. and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

80. She wouldn't boot a known sexual harasser from her own campaign team and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

81. She signed off on giving Russia one-fifth of the nation's uranium supply and the media refused to make it a campaign issue. 

82. She illegally coordinated with several SuperPACs and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

83. She tried to get Univision to stage fake anti-Trump rallies because it would've made for great television.

84. Mark Zuckerberg went to her for bribing lessons.

85. She literally paid somebody to sabotage Joe Biden.

86. She pretended to support a $15 minimum wage.

87. One of her advisers said her uranium deal with Iran was the "greatest appeasement since Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to Hitler.

88. She helped one of her sponsors cover up a scandal involving lap dances from a 15-year-old boy.

89. People ACTUALLY read WikiLeaks even though CNN told them it was illegal.

90. She supported TPP, even if she told everybody she didn't.

91. Because human emotion is so alien to her, her handlers had to teach her how to smile.

92. Nobody wants Google to run the country.

93. Her advisers kinda' sounded like Jewish supremacists.

94. She mocked climate change activists behind closed doors and secretly colluded with frackers all while touting a "pro-environmental" message to the public. 

95. Her own camp vouched for oversampling of populations likely to vote for her in public opinion polls

96. Her staffers literally prayed the San Bernardino shooters were white.

97. CNN gave her questions in advance and she still couldn't out-debate Trump.

98. Hispanics aren't really all that keen on being called "taco bowls."

99. She thought having to defend a child rapist and destroying evidence to get him off the hook was funny.

100. And perhaps the most damning reason of all why she didn't win last fall: she's Hillary Clinton