An ode to the celebs I've wanted to suck face with for a long, long time.
By: Jimbo X
I'm pretty sure I've already told you kids this, but I don't think there's anything I enjoy in this world more than a good old fashion, hot and heavy, super sticky and slimy, mascara and lipstick smeared all over the place make out. We're talking the kind of all-out snog-fests where your uvulas get tangled up and your tongues wind up somewhere around each other's lower intestines, with your mutual bacteria surfing in on the wave of saliva and plaque build-up like a bunch of refugees making a bee-line for a person-sized hole in a border fence. I so enjoy having the mucus membranes of my mouth poked and prodded that, many times, I'd actually prefer having a steamy Frenchin' session instead of actually doing the nasty. Shit, at least I can swap spit without wrapping a plastic sack over my tongue that cuts off all feeling to my tonsils.
With surplus Valentine's' Day candies still making the bargain bin rounds (and me really grasping for straws to come up with relevant, seasonal material), I decided to crank out my own top ten list of famous actresses, musicians and models I would most enjoy playing bicuspid lacrosse and ookie-mouth with. There's no real numerical rank here, so I just decided to do the whole shebang alphabetically. Of course, your mileage may vary and I did my best to make the thing as diverse as possible, so if you have any complaints - well, to be honest, I don't give a shit. And without further adieu, onward to the countdown of celebs I definitely wouldn't mind getting mono from!
I can pinpoint the exact moment I fell in lust with Adele. It was the 2012 Grammys, and it was her first major performance since having surgery on her larynx (or whatever was in her throat that needed fiddling around with.) She came out wearing about 20 layers of Spanx, so it looked like she was going to pop out of her dress like a tube of canned biscuits at any minute. Her hair and makeup looked on point as always (ever notice how the chubbier chicks always seem to have prettier faces than the skinnier ones?) and then, she started making the sexiest "crazy eyes" I've ever seen. Hers was an intense glare that went so far beyond the usual "fuck me" stare that I almost started dry humping the TV right then and there. We've all seen the "I want dick" expression, but this - this - was an "I need my ovaries pressure washed with semen PRONTO" face. Not a "make me come" face, but a "come inside me I'm oh so fertile" primordial face upon which the very survival of the species hinges. Any girl can make you want to have sex, but Adele's focused, hyper-sensual stare? It makes you want to repopulate the planet. She may not be the traditional embodiment of mass marketed sex appeal, but she just exudes a sense of sheer animalistic sexuality, from her mascara-caked, Black Widow eyes to her super-sharp, predator-like fingernails. I'll just tell you folks what I told my girlfriend after Adele's performance was over. "You know, I love you girl, but if Adele started putting the moves on me, I am going to get her pregnant." And perhaps the ultimate testament to the songstress' inherent sex appeal? She didn't even get mad at me - rather, she just shifted her weight on the couch a little and meekly replied, "well, yeah, I couldn't blame you."
|When you type your name into Google and one of the very first images that pops is a a photo of yourself performing fellatio on a firearm, you know you've lived a life well worth living.|
An obscure choice that pays homage to my seventh grade fantasies, for sure, but I'll stand by it. For those not in the know, Amelia Kinkade is the actress who portrayed the demonic antagonist of the three Night of the Demons movies (we've already covered parts 2 and 3 in-depth, if you need a little background.) In hindsight, I'm pretty sure she was the origin of my goth chick fetish, and I can't tell you how many times I churned my man butter while thinking of "Angela" writhing around in tight black fishnets and cramming her devil tongue inside other girls mouths to turn them into Satanic sluts. As I've already stated, the thing that got me is how different Kinkade looked in each movie - in the first NOTD, she looked like an anorexic mallrat whose body weight was about 50 percent hairspray and in the second, she looked like a really svelte and spicy Latina chick. My favorite incarnation by far, however, has to be her performance in Part 3, when she had a perm and a couple of extra pounds on her. She wasn't quite MILFy at that point, but she certainly had a more "mature" tinge going on in that one - yes, even when she was performing blow jobs on handguns and turning skanky girls' hands into evil snake sockpuppets. The funny thing is that in "real life," she's actually the opposite of the character - this now very MILFy blonde gal who wears a lot of pink and claims she can psychically communicate with animals (that part, I swear I am not making up.) And yes, she still has that strangely sexy oversized forehead, which - for reasons I can't even begin to describe - still gets me peculiarly antsy.
Amy Paffrath Seeley
|Modern science has determined that there's nothing hotter than a psycho bitch wearing way too much berry lipstick. Absolutely nothing.|
It's not often that one role instantly besots me, but by Job, Amy Paffrath Seeley (back when she was just plain old Amy Paffrath) managed to pull it off with her stellar work in the Paramore music video "Misery Business." In that MTV staple circa 2007, Paffrath played your stereotypical high school mega bitch, who strangely enough, looked to be about 10 years older than everybody else on campus (indeed, one YouTube commenter threw out the intriguing fan theory that she was actually a psychotic teacher, not your routine teenage queen bee.) My first semester in college, Amy pretty much made my mornings whenever the video was played (and yes, MTV was indeed still playing music videos that late into the aughties ... even if it was solely during a one hour block at 6 a.m.) She just conveyed this strangely sultry demeanor, stalking the hallways in her devil-in-a-blue-dress ensemble, joyously hacking off other girls' ponytails and slamming kids in arm slings against the lockers. But the highlight, of course, is a scene where she waltzes on up to a loving couple, shoves the moon-faced girlfriend out of the way, and then proceeds to plaster her dark red lips all over her poor victim's face - complete with a copious amount of what relationship experts call "breakup tongue." (On Pop Up Video, VH1 said Paffrath wanted her co-kissee to go even further, and start grabbing her posterior and chesticles - alas, he was too chicken.) As it turns out, Paffrath has had a pretty successful career, hosting a couple of one-and-done shows on E! and playing bit parts in straight-to-DVD offerings no one's ever heard of, but her biggest claim to fame is portraying a customer service rep in a Kindle ad from a few years back. Regardless, I'll always remember her as perhaps the most sexily sinister antagonist in the history of the music video medium - and she can still make out with me in front of my girlfriend anytime.
|No, for the last time - that ISN'T Kirsten Dunst.|
I'm probably going to hell for this one, but I don't care. The German songstress makes my list because she's the celebrity who most looks like my current girlfriend. The eyes. The hair. The same heart-shaped facial structure. The first time I saw a photo of Louisan, I thought it was my girlfriend - with the only giveaway that it wasn't being the smoldering cancer stick betwixt her fingers. Though my bizarre desire to bone two of my girlfriends simultaneously is at the heart of this selection, I feel it's important to note that Louisan certainly deserves a spot on the countdown irrespective of any similarities she may bear with my romantic partner. She really is a drop-dead gorgeous woman, whose simple, less-makeuppy aesthetics is a nice throwback to the women of the late 1970s, who as we all know, are the hottest women to have ever walked on God's green earth. Of course, I don't know German so all the songs she's singing could be about Hitler or something, so she may or may not have some skeletons in her closet (and trust me, petite girls who smile a lot always do.) Still, if I'm ever in Deutschland and she ever feels like twisting my tonsils around with her tongue, I am certainly game for it.
|I think it was around this point in the movie that I first became aware of the full potential of my own gonads.|
It's a dubious distinction, I know, but Helen Mirren is the oldest woman I've ever pounded my knob to. Remember her at the Oscars in 2006? That, my friends, was the night the term "GMILF" entered the global vernacular. Who cares if her breath smelled like Polident and if you stuck your tongue in there you might catch a strand of measles scientists thought went extinct 40 years ago, when a woman on the plus side of 70 STILL looks this baggable, who are you and I to let a little ageism cloud our judgement? Granted, a lot of my reverence for the woman stems from her performance in Excalibur, where she donned a metal bra for half the movie and fucked her on-screen brother so she could give birth to a King Arthur killing machine, so like with Amelia Kinkade, this is at least partially a nostalgia-informed pick. Factor in her puberty-accelerating performances in Caligula, Hussy and the Fiendish Plot of Fu Manchu, and we've got an all-time champion contender on our hands - hell, ol' Mrs. Tingle here can still teach me whatever the hell she pleases.
|Crazy eyes, too much pink lip gloss and biceps beefier than Hulk Hogan's? PLEASE WE NEED TO MAKE OUT RIGHT NOW I'M NOT EVEN JOKING I'LL DIE IF WE DON'T.|
Honestly, I never gave a damn about the American Idol singer until AFTER she gained a good 80 or 90 pounds. As a regular old skinny broad, Kelly Clarkson looked like every other brunette gal in Hollywood, but once she started packing on the pounds, I sure as sugar started taking note of her. It's almost like her intrinsic sexiness was activated the moment she crossed over the 200 pound threshold; back in the day, she was just another twig-thin pop-tart singing songs written by creepy ass 50-year-old men, but with all those rolls on her, she overnight turned into some sort of irresistible Greek fertility goddess. Watching her waddle around on stage, trying to catch her breath while sweat turns her eyeshadow into a Picasso painting, it's almost like I can smell her reproductive prowess wafting over the Internet. Her flabby arms and quadruple chins aren't just indicators that she's been mowing down Hot Pockets like a Viet Cong turret, it's also a secret physiological ploy to let you know her hormones are raging and her ovaries are ripe for a nice semen shower. Hey, with hips like these, I for one wouldn't mind renting out a timeshare in Miss Independent's baby hanger - y'know, if you catch my drift (and if you don't, that means I want to engage in saliva-intensive kissing with her as prelude to inseminating her.)
|Oh, what I wouldn't trade to get some sweet, sweet forehead from this Canuck.|
And here's another obscure C-tier genre actress who really gets my big forehead fetish fuel a goin'. She's this Canadian model who's been in a million-billion B-movies and C-TV shows over the years, running the gamut from Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal to The New Addams Family. Seeing as how she never turned down a role and practically every syndicated sci-fi show in the late 1990s and early 2000s was filmed in Ontario, she was typecast as a super-hot seductress in scores of long-forgotten programs that certainly made my dateless Saturday afternoons as a teenager a lot more bearable. Just look at this resume:
- An evil pirate wizardess on The Adventures of Sinbad
- An interdimensional sex warrioress in a chrome corset and white lipstick on Nightman
- An android sex wizard in a translucent rain coat wearing crucifix earrings who casts spells on Arnold Schwarzenegger stand-ins so they think about boning her while they're doing their wives on Total Recall 2070
- An intergalactic space vixen who convinces Kevin Sorbo to PG fuck her brains out on Andromeda
And that's not even counting the 29 separate appearances she made on Beastmaster playing an evil sorceress with a hideous British accent that you never noticed because her boobs threatened to explode out of her leather ensemble at any minute. If I had to pick a favorite Schnarre role, though, I'd probably go with her one-and-done appearance on the crappy Sci-Fi Channel series Codename: Eternity, where she played this alien model who seduced another autistic alien with top secret pheromone sex juice and made sure she got her cobalt brown lipstick smeared all over him so his female human partner would get jealous. Do yourself a favor and scope this one out on the YouTubes - it's probably about as close as to a live action version of the old B:TAS staple "Pretty Poison" we're ever going to get.
|I wouldn't mind having her tongue in my mouth - and maybe her penis, too, pending I'm drunk enough.|
SWERVE! That's right, homophobes, I'm including a legitimate male-to-female transsexual on the list, because by golly, we here at The Internet Is In America believe in LGBT rights. But more than than that, we believe in our dicks, and when somebody looks as hot as legendary transgender porn queen Sarina Valentina, we can certainly overlook the fact that there is a secondary Johnson in the mix. With her milk white skin and medically augmented curves, there's really no way around it: Sarina is way more beautiful than a good 99.999 percent of the "biological females" walking around God's green earth these days. And trust me - when you see how hot this guy-turned-gal looks in midnight black latex bondage gear, you WILL call the "certainty" of your heterosexuality into question.
|Goddamn, white privilege has never looked so good.|
Taylor Swift is an absolute outlier in 21st century media. Off the top of my head, she's the only mega-huge pop music star out there I can think of whose commercial success can't be attributed to market tested skankiness - unlike your Demi Lovotas and your Ariana Grandes, whose sexuality is crammed down our esophagus at every turn. Rather, Tay Tay gets by on her subdued, almost stereotypically Aryan good looks - accentuated, of course, by a dazzling array of bare midriff blouses and enough hooker red lipstick to supply half a dozen clown supply shops for at least full year. Tall, lanky, small-breasted and no-assed with mesmerizing, cerulean blue eyes, Swift is a throwback to the old pre-fashion industrial complex takeover of beauty, a gorgeous, statuesque, dignified lady who exudes a strong sense of class and poise instead of your usual desperate prefab overt-sexuality (why, hello there, Nicki Minaj and Katy Perry!) With an awe-inspiring ruby pout like this, I certainly wouldn't feel an ounce of remorse locking lips with Taylor - yes, even in front of my GF. And it was at our wedding.
|I don't know about you, but I would positively love having that body all over me. Get it, because of "body positivity" and all that hippie shit?|
By now, we all know I do love me some thick girls. 200 pounds, you say? Amateur hour, hoss, I've actually dated more than one girl who was north of 300, and lemme tell you something - these lardy lasses are a godsend. It's kind of top secret intel shared between guys offline, but morbidly obese women are scientifically proven to give the best oral sex, and from personal experience, I can firmly attest to that old maxim "the more cushion, the better the pushin'." As such, I've been absolutely besotted by one Tess Holliday/Tess Munster for quite sometime - yes, in spite of her obnoxious SJW tendencies and the fact she routinely commits fraud to go on vacation at DisneyWorld. For fuck's sake, she has an absolutely gorgeous face and don't even try to tell me you don't have just the teeniest, tiniest kink to have all that adipose tissue flowing over you like a plus sized riptide. This girl is big, she's beautiful, and like everybody else on this countdown, I'd swap spit with her until both of us are half dead from dehydration - and from the looks of her, you know that's going to be a hell of a long time.