Wednesday, April 26, 2017

I Tried The 1-Pound Vegan Celebration Roast ...

And basically, it was like eating one of those giant meatballs they used to put in Franco-American pasta back in the day.

By: Jimbo X

Although I haven't been a vegetarian in several years now, I still have something of an affinity for vegetarian meat alternatives. Pretty much anytime I go to a sushi place or one of the more hippie-ish pizzerias I opt for the tofu subs instead of the real deal, and as crazy as it may sound, I still prefer veggie hot dogs to the authentic pork and beef ones. Ironically, I think it's the semi-synthetic blandness of such foods that appeals to me. They have a very unnatural smoothness to them, but I actually kinda' dig the slightly tasteless tofu taste. It just feels like I'm eating something futuristic - artificial meat, cooked up in some sort of state of the art lab somewhere where there's probably UFOs and shit under a couple of tarps in the basement. That it's probably healthier for you in the long haul, I assure you, is merely an aside in my case

Which brings us to the Original Field Roast Grain Meat Co.'s Celebration Roast, the latest in a long line of special edition, extra-hearty faux-meat monoliths a'la the Tofurky Roast and the Gardein Holiday Roast. Whereas its predecessors were all about being passed off as seasonal experiences, it looks like the Original Field Roast Grain Meat Co. (henceforward referred to by the slightly more manageable acronym OFRGMC) wanted their roast to be something of an evergreen supermarket staple. For one thing, it doesn't have any sort of holiday dressings to it whatsoever. This thing would look in season just as much in April as it does in November, which, if nothing else, should guarantee it a spot next to the Smart Dogs in the barely opened vegetarian meat alternative section at your local grocer for quite some time to come. Secondly, OFRGMC didn't even bother putting the thing in some oversized shoe box like the competition. Instead, the vacuum sealed their shit in a plastic wrapper, chucked in a paper sleeve and said "eh, good enough." And that sort of marketplace minimalism/not giving a shit in general is something I just HAVE to applaud as a jaded, 30-something consumer.  

I've been meaning to give the roast a try for quite some time, but it wasn't until my local grocery store marked the price down to half what it was a couple months back that I decided to bite the (vegetarian) bullet and finally allot it a taste test. Alas, as you will soon see, that drastic markdown in price was for a fairly good reason ... 

I've always thought it was hilarious how vegans always railed against "modified foods" when vegan shit like this is pretty much the least natural shit on the planet. Just take a look at all the ingredients it took to make this thing a reality: butternut squash, apples, mushrooms, lemon juice, safflower oil and the one that really jumps out at you, Irish moss sea vegetable extract. When you're eating cross-pollinated seaweed, fungi and fruit for lunch, I think that pretty much negates you ability to complain about anybody else eating "engineered" foodstuffs, don't it?

But where things get really suspect is the nutritional data. The entire loaf is a good 1,050 calories, which would represent about half a day's worth of food for most folks. The rub there is that in 425 grams of roast, just 115 are protein. Almost three quarters of the roast is synthetic carbohydrates and fat, with the whole shebang packing a walloping 2,600 milligrams of sodium, which is about 300 more milligrams of sodium than is recommended for daily consumption. So yeah, while these guys can stake at least some claim to manufacturing a healthy meat alternative, at the same time they're also pumping your ass full of so much salt that it probably negates whatever health benefits you would've gotten from eating it in lieu of a regular old hot dog or hamburger.

The thing that really gets me, though, is how the company tells you you can eat the thing cooked or uncooked. Right off the bat that lets me know you don't really have that many volatile ingredients (meaning, anything that would probably give you botulism) in it, but then again, this stuff is put in the refrigerated section for a reason, ain't it? At my grocer, it's not even hanging out next to the cheeses, it's in one of those artificial climate control deep freezers with the ice shelves and shit. Does that mean I can just slap off the particles of supermarket snow on it, take a knife to this sumbitch and make me a sandwich right then and there? Let me tell you kids, I was tempted to make about three or four different snacks involving the myriad ways you can (purportedly) prepare this stuff. Grilled in a pan, nuked in the microwave, broiled in the oven ... hey, don't ever say the guys who made it didn't give you plenty of options on this one. 

Alright, so about that reduced price thing I was alluding to earlier. Well, as you can see here, the "enjoyment" expiration date (which I'm not entirely sure would hold up in a court of law as the same thing as a straight up expiration date) was Feb. 11, 2017. That's more than a little, uh, odd, seeing as how I bought the thing more than a month later. You think I kid? Hell, I even saved the receipt for you ...

Naturally, this leads me to believe one of two things; either there's a Kroger in metro Atlanta that doesn't give one iota of a fuck about selling foods that have been expired in excess of 30 days to its customers OR this vegan roast thingamabob is so devoid of real food ingredients that it's expiration date is merely nominal, like a Twinkie or a Chocodile. Either way ... I'm probably putting my stomach in serious jeopardy moving forward with this article. Regardless, I already paid my three dollars for it and I've already put this much effort into explaining to you good people what the roast is, so I might as well keep chugging along, shouldn't I? 

So here's your full vegan roast, after a good three minute bombardment of radiation in the microwave. You really can't tell too much from the photo, but the roast itself is insanely greasy. Except it's not really grease, it's this liquid smoke extract thing that is just all over the fucking thing. As soon as I pulled the thing out of the microwave (by the way, am I the only person who HAS to hit the eject button when there's just one second left on the countdown just to avoid hearing the timer buzzer go off?) I was immediately assailed by a scent I hadn't smelled in nearly 20 years ... the downright unmistakable scent of Franco-American pasta. You remember that shit, don't you? You know, that preservatives loaded kids stuff that sometimes came gussied up like Sonic, Waldo, or God help us, animated Louie Anderson? Well, that is PRECISELY what the scent of this thing reminded me of. Maybe it's because of that same liquid smoke additive or maybe it's because of all the preservatives used for this dish, but damn ... that smell really took me back.

Now, I could've just eaten the thing raw out of the box, but that's both gross and hardly photogenic. So, ultimately, I decided to make myself a very, very basic sandwich. There's nothing at all fancy here - just two slabs of bread, one giant translucent green tub of artificial animal meat and one butter knife I really hope is sturdy enough to do the job. Let's dig in, shall we?

I'll be honest with you kids, I have NO idea what sort of things are the inside of the roast. You can see some flakes and strips of something, but that stuff could be practically anything. Chunks of apple, mushrooms, onions, squash, like I said, anything. Overall, the product's consistency is ... well, pretty consistent, I guess, although the exterior coating of whatever the hell that stuff is supposed to be is pretty tough to saw through. If you're keen on carving up some sandwich slices, do not expect to cut off some perfectly circular in-tact pieces right out the gate - if ever, for that matter.

And there's your Celebration Roast, in its natural habitat taking a nap on a piece of Wonder Bread. As a general rule, it's pretty hard to describe what these faux meats taste like because you really can't liken their taste to any naturally-occurring meat out there, but I'll give it a try. It's a little chunkier than the Tofurky Roast and slightly spicier than the Gardein Holiday Roast, but it's also dryer than either (thanks in no small part to all that damn salt and no gravy lubricants to soak the dish in.) While the liquid smoke coating gives it a mildly tingly flavor, it doesn't really taste like barbecued anything. Remember earlier, when I said the thing smelled just like a bowl of Franco American pasta? Well, maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me, but I thought this thing tasted JUST LIKE a gigantic version of one of the meatballs you'd find in stuff like Spaghetti-Os (which, for the record, always kicked the shit out of those crappy meatballs you'd find in Chef Boyardee's competing canned pastas), right down to the soupy tomato-and-MSG aftertaste. Right then and there you KNOW whether or not that's the most appetizing thing in the world or the most disgusting - and while your mileage will almost certainly vary, this product - inadvertently, advertently, words don't mean anything anymore - gave me the gustatory sensation I've been secretly lusting after for almost 25 years. Frankly, I fucking loved it and if you think its gross or undesirable, you're probably some sort of bourgeois prick and I wouldn't have anything to do with you, anyway. 

At the end of the day, I could see most consumers getting a pretty good amount of mileage out of this thing. Right off the bat I can see its value as pizza toppings, soup and salad add-ins and pasta adornments, and it probably works just as dandy in burrito form as it does sammich style. There really aren't too many side-foods at all I can think of that this product wouldn't complement fairly nicely - you know, except for the obvious shit, like ice cream and Sour Patch Kids. And yes, even eating it as standalone meal is pretty great, just as long as you have SOMETHING on hand to counteract the deluge of sodium. Might I recommend Mae Ploy's Sweet Chili Sauce? Pour a couple of spoonfuls on your roast and it tastes JUST like a vegetarian General Tso dish at an Asian restaurant that isn't that good but you go to anyway because they're two dollars cheaper than everybody else and there's hardly ever a line. And if you think that's a backhanded compliment, congratulations on being an elitist sack of shit, you ivory-tower-dwelling, no-commiserating-with-the-common-man-and-his-economic-shortcuts motherfucker. 

So, all in all, this one gets a big thumbs up of approval from me. Although I am still confounded by one thing: just why is it called a "Celebration Roast?" Are we only supposed to eat it on special occasions? If we're feeling dejected and defeated, are we still allowed to eat it? Am I prohibited from eating it after attending a funeral or watching a sad movie or after my sports team loses a game? Or is that just the marketing agency's oh-so-clever way of working the roast into any and all holidays and special seasonal supermarket sections?

Hell, maybe just eating the thing itself constitutes a mild celebration. I mean, you are essentially eating a giant Spaghetti-Os meatball, after all - if that's not a reason to break out the confetti and slide whistles, I don't know what the fuck does.

Monday, April 24, 2017

Book Review: 'Suicide of a Superpower' By Patrick J. Buchanan (2011)

If Pat hasn't written the greatest anti-globalism screed of the 21st century, he's certainly given us one of the greatest arguments in support of economic nationalism ever put to parchment.

By: Jimbo X

-  Rep. Tim Ryan, D-Ohio (2016)

"Religion, race, culture and tribe are the four horsemen of the coming apocalypse."

- Patrick J. Buchanan, Suicide of a Superpower (2011)

In 2011, former U.S. presidential candidate Patrick J. Buchanan had a pretty cushy job working for CNBC or MSNBC or one of those other stupid 24-hour cable news networks. And I still recall the hoopla that stemmed from his tome Suicide of a Superpower: Will America Make it to 2025? Indeed, the contents of the book were considered so incendiary that MSNBC/CNBC/Who-the-fuck-ever fired Buchanan shortly after the book was released, fearing some sort of populist backlash and of course, a whole lot of "guilt-by-association" bad publicity.

But no, Suicide of a Superpower didn't become this generation's The Bell Curve. It caused no riots, no protests, no one-sided diatribes and dissections on TV talk shows across America. No one threatened to boycott book stores that sold it ... in fact, it doesn't look like anybody with more liberal ideologies even bothered reading it. So what was it about this book that MSNBC considered so disturbing that they had to shitcan Buchanan as a public relations preemptive strike?

One of the things I've learned as I've gotten older is that "public outcries" aren't exactly based on a disdain for disinformation or even full-fledged lies. People don't raise a fuss over allegations they think are exaggerated or untrue, simply because if a claim is patently, objectively false, surely, anyone with half a brain can dismiss it as bullshit. No, when people protest and bitch and bicker and demand something be banned - and hoo boy, are we seeing a lot of that these days - they're not trying to stifle something untrue, or prevent people from being exposed to something false. Rather, they realize something or someone is saying something glaringly true that runs counter to their own ideology - and mayhap even reveals one of their own ideological tentpoles to be a big, fat, morbidly obese lie.

And that, effectively, is why Pat Buchanan lost his job. The powers-that-be didn't want him outta' the henhouse because he was preachin' nonsense, they wanted him shipped off the plantation because he was spittin' out too much sense, and they knew if enough people heard what he had to say, it might just 'cause 'em to second guess everything THEY'VE been telling them is the guldarn truth.

That's why college kids firebomb their own school when Milo Y. comes a knocking and why public-subsidized shit heads throw stuff at the podium during Charles Murray lectures. These lunk-headed wannabe-dissidents KNOW what the speakers are going to say is going to discredit and dismiss their own dogmas, and they honestly have no reasonable rebuttal to save face. These neo-McCarthyists don't want their ideological foes silenced because they are "offensive," they want them silenced because, for lack of a better term, they're RIGHT, and if their ideas start circulating around in the mass consciousness, they KNOW their own ideological Tao is going to be exposed as phony, hypocritical and/or hilariously detached from reality.

It took me a couple of years to get around to reading Suicide of a Superpower, but I'm kinda' glad I waited, since U.S. society - as evident by the election of Donald Trump - has changed quite a bit since the book's original publication. In a way, this book sorta retroactively outlines why Trump won the election, tapping into the real underlying causes of the dreaded angry white man complex. The funny thing is that there's absolutely nothing revolutionary at all about Buchanan's reactionary traditionalist rancor. Indeed, Suicide of a Superpower pretty much paints anti-globalist, anti-open-border and anti-statist-ideology as the natural, default settings for all healthy societies, with more than enough historical data and sound future projections to back up his assertions that the anti-capitalist, super-duper-multiculturalist welfare dream state isn't just a terrible idea, but a virtually impossible one that has no successful precedent ANYWHERE in human history. Basically, all Buchanan's doing is telling us what's already happened when people tried to push open-trade, open-border and anti-nationalist policies in the past, and the retrudging of their cataclysmic failures is apparently more than enough to get the mainstream media to scramble to hush him up quick.

Reading Suicide of a Superpower now, it seems like an eerily prescient little tome. Not only did it more or less predict the rise of Donald Trump-flavored populism as a reaction to the Bush-Clinton-Obama globalism-uber-alles doctrine, it seems to have predicted the rise of the anti-white SJW voting bloc AND the mass exodus of Muslim immigrants into the European heartland. And as on-the-nose as those predictions were, that certainly makes Pat's predictions concerning the fate of our post-White, post-Western global order all the more intriguing - if not downright alarming

Dedicating the book to "the old right" and declaring the present (that being, the present of 2011) as "the Indian summer of our civilization," Buchanan wastes no time at all before he declares "centrifugal forces have become dominant" in U.S. culture. He brings up the death of James Pouillon in 2009 and trudges up Roosevelt's warnings about the perils of "hyphenated-Americans." With white deaths expected to eclipse the number of white births in the country by 2020, Buchanan takes a gander at our apparently more multicultural future and asks "today, one see the pluribus; but where's the unum?"

This leads to our first chapter, titled "The Passing of a Superpower." Buchanan notes that the U.S. somehow managed to go from having a surplus in 2000 to running a $1.4 trillion deficit in 2009. During that same timeframe, the IMF says that U.S. GDP fell from 32 percent of the total global product to just 24 percent. As to what caused that to be the case, the author suggests globalism - taking the form of NAFTA and GATT - defeated good old fashioned American economic nationalism, thus allowing China (after devaluing its currency 45 percent and almost doubling the entry price for U.S. goods in 1994) to ring up a $266 billion trade surplus with the States by 2008 - complete with an advanced technology product trade deficit of $95 billion by the time 2010 rolled around. 

The numbers, Pat says, get worse. Thus far in the 21st century, the U.S. has lost 42 percent of its semiconductor and electronic component production jobs, 48 percent of its total commercial production jobs and 63 percent of its textile jobs, all while bringing in 10.3 million foreign workers to compete with American employees. And just a year after the U.S. manufacturing trade deficit hit $440 billion in 2008, the federal government issued an additional 1.13 million green cards in 2009 alone

Indeed,  the total number of government employees in the U.S., at 22.5 million, is easily double that of the total number of manufacturing employees in the entire country. The national economy, Buchanan observes, has gone "from makers to takers." 

More damning stats follow. From 2000 to 2010, the U.S. lost 5.5 million manufacturing jobs, representing roughly a third of all such jobs in the nation. Of the United State's total $6.2 trillion trade deficit, about $3.8 trillion comes in the form of - you guessed it - manufactured goods. Which brings us to the touchy subject of our $2 trillion deficit with China; as it turns out, to finance this debt, the U.S. has since borrowed $1.5 billion from other foreign lenders EVERY DAY for ten years.

At this point, Pat says China is practically America in the 19th century. They're not engaged in any wars, just focused on nation-building. While China's stimulus funds went towards building infrastructure, the U.S. - what else? - used its stimulus money to save preexisting government jobs

"Welcome to 21st century America," Pat states, "where globalism has become the civil religion of our political and corporate elite." He trudges up how subprime mortgages targeted minorities, pointing out George W. Bush's White House Conference on Increasing Minority Home Ownership in Oct. 2002, in which Dubya said he wanted non-white home owners in the U.S. to increase by 5.5 million by 2010. From there, we get a hail storm of statistics that paint an indisputable path from W.'s racially-tinged social engineering policies to the great housing bust of 2006. Pat explains how all the mortgages for these minority-owned homes were put on Fannie and Freddie's tabs, which were later sold as securities to Wall Street banks as real property holdings. As a result, federal home loan debt exploded $184 billion from 1998 to 2008, with home costs in general skyrocketing 107 percent from 2000 to 2006. With AIG payouts too large, the Federal Reserve had to keep rates dangerously low as home prices continued to surge by 20 percent annually (made worse since Moody's and S&P actually give these super toxic loans AAA ratings.) And that, in a nutshell, is how the Great Recession really started - not with greedy Wall Street bankers trying to fuck over the little man, but with a REPUBLICAN-controlled congress trying to expand economic opportunities for historically marginalized and oppressed peoples. 

Then there's David Walker of the Government Accountability Office's statements on the U.S.'s unfunded entitlement liabilities - a sum that comes out to only $62 trillion. While the average private sector worker made $61,000 in total compensation in 2009, Pat wonders aloud why the average federal worker was getting $123,000

Then Pat gives all of us some real talk on taxes. He trudges up how the much maligned top one percent of earners actually pay 44 percent of ALL U.S. taxes, with the top 10 percent of owners paying 71 percent while the bottom 50 percent of earners are responsible for only 2.89 percent. (Note: please bring this up the next time you engage in conversation with anybody who voted for Bernie Sanders.) Oh, and just for shits and giggles, he hits us with the following numbers on entitlements in these United States:

  • From 1985 to 2006, Earned Income Tax Payouts grew from $2.1 billion to $44.4 billion.
  • In 2009, 51 percent of all wage earners in the U.S. paid ZERO federal taxes
  • In 2011, 44.2 million Americans were on food stamps (costing taxpayers about $77 billion a year.) 

Next up, we get a lengthy passage on what "debauched currency" is. Since 1913, the U.S. dollar has lost more than 98 percent of its value. Why? Because of federal inflation, that's why. That puts any political leader in a precarious situation, Pat says, where they have to do as much as possible to stimulate rapid job growth to increase tax revenue and reduce safety net spending, but at the same time, they're STILL going to have to increase taxes and try to whittle down federal spending to keep the nation from going insolvent. Which, naturally (well, not really) provides a perfect segue for the next chapter, "The Death of Christian America."

You know how people always say America ain't "a Christian nation?" Well, Pat rejects that on its face, saying the 1892 Supreme Court decision Church of the Holy Trinity vs. The United States makes it explicit that we are a peoples of the Judeo-Christian God and not nobody else. From here, Pat hits us with all kinds of shit, running the gamut from reminding us that the D.C. City Council won't even submit gay marriage as a referendum issue and that black churchgoers pretty much single-handedly 86'ed gay marriage in California to letting us know that Hitler preferred Islam to Christianity and that one of Stalin's first executive decisions to galvanize the masses at the start of World War II was re-opening Russia's churches and freeing imprisoned bishops.

So, naturally, Buchanan equates the downfall of the American church with the general "decomposition" of American society (the 41 percent illegitimacy rate, the 550 percent increase in violent crime from 1960 to 1992, married families making up just 21. 6 percent of U.S. households in 2006, etc.) As an interesting aside, he brings up a study that found a third of all 11-year-olds in the U.K. have been drunk at least twice already, which yeah, doesn't really surprise me at all, actually. 

Buchanan quotes the Italian communist Antonio Gramsci, who said that Marxism can only succeed by rooting out and replacing Christianity in educational and social institutions. Pat follows that up by citing a study that found that, today, just 20 percent of American youths attend weekly religious services, but they tend to be less fat, less depressed and more educated than their counterparts who do not. And since those youths without religious affiliations aren't finding any kind of core, intrinsic meaning at church, they are instead trying to gain insight and a sense of community from secular ideologies, most significantly racially-tinged identity politics.

But you see, people INHERENTLY want to believe in something transcendent, Pat says and since they turned their back on Christianity, these kids are desperately yet fruitlessly trying to cull the same existential meaning out of stuff like socialism, environmentalism, feminism, consumerism and "occultist pop culture." Thus, he argues that we've gotten to a point where identity politics enclaves like sexuality have kinda sorta become the new wave nationalism. Alas, to quote Belloc, "self worship is not enough," and that's where Pat thinks we might be getting into some serious trouble down the road.

With 1.57 billion adherents in the world (60 percent in Asia alone,) Pat believes "an increasingly Islamic world is inevitable." It's already the predominant religion in 48 countries, which is equal to about a quarter of the United Nations. There are more Muslims in China than Syria, more in Germany than Lebanon and twice as many in India than Iran. With the native European birth rate on a terminal free fall and immigration from Islamic countries already on the upswing in 2011, Buchanan pretty much predicted the takeover of Europe a good three or four years before the big refugee brouhaha came to exist. (He still ain't got shit on the predictive powers of the dude who wrote The Camp of the Saints, though.)

With Europe becoming "re-paganized," Pat says Catholicism (the world's largest religion for the time being) is quickly on a path to irrelevancy. In the U.S. alone, mass attendance is down two-thirds what it was in the 1950s. Half of all Diocesan high schools closed from 1965 to 2002, while parochial schools have dwindled from 4.5 million to just 1.5 million. Pat cites research that predicts, by 2020, Hispanics will make up half of all Catholics in the U.S., which apparently explains why so many Catholics interest groups seem to be so gung-ho about immigrant amnesty. Essentially, Pat boils it down to this: it's only a matter of time until Catholicism has to go toe-to-toe with Islam for all the proverbial marbles, and as things stand now, there ain't no way in Hell the Pope and pals can win.

By 2050, the native Western population (a.k.a, the global "white population") is expected to make up just 10-12 percent of the world populace. Meanwhile, the native African and Latin American population is expected to make up a good third of the planet's inhabitants. "Catholicism," the author says, "is well on the way to becoming a third world religion."

And now we arrive at "The End of White America." Per Pat, white Americans are destined to become a minority by 2041 (representing just 46.3 percent of the total U.S. population) with white Americans under 18 becoming a minority among their age group by 2019. By 2020, the number of whites ages 65 and over are expected to outnumber the total number of whites in the country ages 17 and younger. Meanwhile, 50.2 percent of the Texas public school population is already Hispanic. 

"Among our best and brightest, many anticipate with delight the day that white Americans become just another minority in the country their forefathers created 'for ourselves and our prosperity," Pat declares. He follows this up with a quote from Susan Sontag, which more or less capsulizes the modern SJW mindset - "the white race is the cancer of human history."

Buchanan highlights data showing that 57 percent of all jobs lost during the Great Recession belonged to blue collar white men; while 1.2 million native Americans lost their jobs in total, 656,000 foreign-born workers gained new jobs. Portending the emergence of Donald Trump's ethno-identity populism, Pat asks whether this demographical slap in the face will eventually lead to white Americans building their own tribal in-group voting bloc.

The author brings up Schlesinger's "cult of ethnicity" model, describing the deleterious effects of a national ethos in which group rights take precedence over individual rights, ethnic ties trump national identity and ethnic communities are tasked with defining the structure of society and the very meaning of history itself. And to prove his theory that the post white state is more of an ethnoracial apocalypse than a multicultural utopia, Pat turns his peepers towards the Golden State,where Hispanics have just recently eclipsed whites as the predominant statewide racial group. So, what has all that wonderful de-whitening brought California? Pat rattles off the laundry list of accomplishments: the nation's lowest bond rating, a 10 percent state tax with sales taxes almost as high, 12.4 percent unemployment, multiple designations as the worst state in the country to conduct business and unfunded state pensions and health care costs exceeding $500 billion. From 2000 to 2008, 1.4 million Californians left the state while 1.8 million international migrants came marching in. Today, nearly 10 percent of all California jobs are held by illegal immigrants and almost a quarter of the state's adults can't speak English. And then there's all of that glorious black on Hispanic violence going on in the state's inner cities that the national media, for some reason, keeps ignoring. Surely, it's not because the vivid reality of tribal warfare in the slums of Los Angeles paints a bleak picture of what real globalization looks like, is it?

"Tribal politics is not unusual, tribal politics is eternal," Pat writes. "Jim Crow is back. Only the color of the beneficiaries and the color of the victims has been reversed." Pat notes that from 2001 to 2009, Hispanic employment grew by 3.6 million jobs while the number of jobs for non-Hispanics decreased by 1.3 million. "They have seen trillions of dollars go for Great Society programs, but have seen no Great Society," Pat says, "only crime, rising illegitimacy and rising dropout rates."

This leads to a chapter titled "Demographic Winter," which is about as cheery as it sounds. "One day millions of men will leave the Southern Hemisphere of this plant to burst into the northern one," Pat writes. By 2050, 54 percent of the total U.S. population will be African, Asian or Latino-Americans. He parrots the words of Houari Boumedienne in 1974 - "victory will come to us from the wombs of our women."

But this isn't just happening in the U.S., Pat notes. Birth rates are plummeting in virtually all of the OCED countries. Simply put, there are not enough young workers to fund pensions and health care for the aged in damn near any of the developed countries. The ultimate nightmare scenario is playing out in Japan, where the national populace is expected to decrease from 127 million to 95 million in 2050. If that rate holds steady, about one-in-ten Japanese will be OVER the age of 80; by 2010, Japan's population may be just 20 percent what it is now. 

Oh, and the populations are also falling in South Korea, Singapore, Taiwan, Germany, Austria, Spain and Italy. The U.K. birth rate is holding steady, but - surprise, surprise - that's almost solely attributable to its surging Muslim migrant population. Indeed, Brits may be a minority in their own country as early as 2066. Pat brings up the words of Andre Neather, who said the Labor Party literally tried to social engineer "a truly multicultural" society via unfettered mass immigration. Long story short? The Muslim population in the U.K. exploded from 500,000 in 2004 to a whopping 2.4 million in 2008.

And just in case you are wondering? The combined population of the world's largest Muslim countries - Indonesia, Bangladesh, Egypt, Pakistan, Turkey and Nigeria - will be about 1.36 billion people in 2050. Y'know - just a reminder. 

Pat then turns his attention towards the coming demographical plights of several other countries. It's probably easier to just do this in quick hit form: 

  • In Israel, the Muslim birthrate is RAPIDLY outpacing the Jewish birthrate, which is leading to the de facto population growth of the Orthodox Jewish community. With the enemy states of Israel swelling in population (Syria and Saudi Arabia, for example, will see their populations explode, respectively, seven-fold and nine-fold from 1967 to 2050), Pat says the Chosen have just three options on the table: annex the West Bank and add another 2.4 million Muslims to the national populace, expel ALL Muslims from the country or try to establish permanent control of Gaza and the West Bank, which almost certainly would require the establishment of a separate, militarized apartheid state.
  • From 1991 to 2050, the Russian population will likely fall from 148 million to just 116 million. By 2040, half of the Russian populace will be Muslim. With no young men around to power the national military and economy, would China possibly consider invading the weakened state for its resources?
  • By 2040, China will have about 440 million people to take care of who are older than 60 - basically, one fourth of the entire country. Oh, and there aren't enough women around, with about 30 more million child-siring-aged men in the country than there are child-bearing-aged women. "The child-centered society has been succeeded by the self-centered society," Pat writes. "The purpose of life is the pursuit of pleasure, not the sacrifices required in the raising of children."

In the chapter "Equality or Freedom?," Pat argues that the Founding Fathers never believed in democracy or diversity, but instead championed the idea of equality of God-given rights. After all, he says, the words "equality" or "democracy" don't show up anywhere in the Bill of Rights or the Constitution as a whole. He trudges up all the shit Lincoln said and did that supported slavery - you know, like that time he said he never wanted blacks to be equal to whites, socially, and that time he proposed shipping all of them back to Africa as a larf - and then he argues that Brown vs. Board of Education was a SCOTUS ruling based on sociology, not a priori law. Then he brings up the Regents of the University of California vs. Bakke ruling and says unemployment and income inequality in the black community has only gotten WORSE since integration. And the educational outcomes of minorities seems to verify his stance. In 2007, just 69 percent of American high school seniors graduated (comparatively, the national graduation rate in 1969 was 77 percent.) The likeliest explanation? As of 2007, 44 percent of Hispanic students and 46 percent of black students couldn't graduate from high school in only four years

"Freedom produces a hierarchy based on intelligence, talent and perseverance," Pat writes. "For freedom and equality are sworn and everlasting enemies, and when one prevails, the other dies." Pat then rails against all of the following - bussing, diversity quotas, affirmative action, taxation inequality, hate speech codes, the purging of Christianity from public life, Title IX, women in the military, gender-based unemployment disparities, federal oversight of local laws, Baker vs. Carr, the "publicization" of private schools, LGBT marriage, subprime loans AND the Immigration and Nationality Act of 1965 - as examples of egalitarianism subverting individual liberty. 

And here's the part where Pat starts spitting out the kind of data you're not really supposed to be spitting out. You know, like the data from Herrnstein revealing that equal expenditures on students still results in "hereditary meritocracies," or Robert Weissberg's more than well-thought-out argument in favor of kicking the bottom quarter of 8th grade students out of public schools or ESPECIALLY the 2009 Program for International Student Assessment report, which found that if ONLY white U.S. students were counted, the U.S. would rank no. 3 in global reading scores, while U.S. black and Hispanic students - if counted individually - would rank no. 31 and no. 33 in international reading scores. Pat quotes Razib Khan, who said that "when you remove the environmental variance, the cognitive variance remains." Then the author puts his own spin on the research findings: "if brains and a desire to learn are absent, no amount of spending on schools, teacher salaries, educational consultants or new texts will matter."

And just because I thought they were funny, here's a couple more one-liners from Pat Buchanan on the subject of equality:

  • "The family is the incubator of inequality and God its author."
  • The reverence to establish equality for all invariably ends up establishing the dictatorship of the few."
  • "Sports are too important to America to indulge such myths as the equality of all men."

Hell, I don't know about you, but I'd buy a shirt and bumper sticker with all of those messages scrawled on them. Next up, it's a chapter called "The Diversity Cult," which begins thusly: "the melting pot was about the abolition of diversity and the Americanization of immigrants, which is why our multiculturalists reject it as an instrument of cultural genocide."

Pat rails against colleges and universities, describing them as "madrassas of modernity," where history is taught as nothing more than "a series of crimes against people of color." He notes that black self-segregation is actually intensifying coast-to-coast and tells a great story about his one time Jesse Jackson's car was stolen in Detroit in 2010. Then he turns his attention towards Naval Academy policies as "exhibit A" as to why multicultural policy-making is a load of it.  There, Pat lets us know, white students have to have all As or Bs plus SAT scores exceeding 600 to even qualify for a slate of ten applicants from which just one will be chosen. Meanwhile, minorities with Cs and sub-500 SAT scores are DIRECTLY ADMITTED TO ANNAPOLIS, with some minority applicants with Ds and sub-300 SAT scores getting in after a year of taxpayer subsidized remedial school

And then, there are the admission policies at gay old Harvard, where you know something is up 'cause Asians make up 20 percent of the student body even though they barely make up just 3 percent of the total U.S. populace. Oh, and Jewish students represent anywhere from 25 to a full third of all students, this despite representing just 2.5 percent of the overall U.S. population. Meanwhile, whites - who represent 70 percent of the U.S. populace - make up just 25 percent of the Harvard student body, a statistical under-representation of nearly 300 percent.

Which brings us to the findings from the Espenshade-Radford study from 2009. While Harvard required Asian applicants score 1550 on the SAT to be considered, whites had to only score 1410, while Hispanics only had to score 1230 and blacks only had to score 1100. Which means, effectively, that black students are given the equivalent of 550 free SAT points for just signing their names on the application, while Asian-Americans have 550 SAT points subtracted for simply being Asian-Americans. 

Enter Russell K. Nieli, whose work shows that Harvard actively descriminates against poor, rural whites in its application processes. Having the 4H, ROTC or FFA listed on a resume reduces an applicant's chances of being selected 60 percent, with minority students seven to 10 times likelier to be accepted over poor white students with the EXACT same test scores. 

And now we come to Pat's take on Robert Putnam's "social capital" theory, which, as you would expect, entails LOTS of parroting of his E Pluribus Unum study that found more diverse neighborhoods have lower levels of trust and cohesion than more homogeneous ones. "Our elites who vacation at beaches and ski resorts and send their children to schools that are predominantly white celebrate a racial diversity that 50 years of white flight, common sense and social science tells us may make and end of their own country," Pat writes. Then he reminds us that the Army knew Fort Hood mass shooter Nidal Hasan was radicalized, but they kept him hired on anyway JUST so they could meet their diversity quotas.

In the chapter "Triumph of Tribalism," Pat makes the argument that ethnonationalism was the underlying catalyst for both World War I and World War II. "The call of socialist solidarity was drowned out by the the calls of tribe and blood," he writes. He argues that Woodrow's calls for "self-determination" actually backfired and put millions of Germans and Hungarians under alien rule, which in turn amped up nationalist furor. Indeed, Pat brings up the long-forgotten fact that Hitler attacked Poland not because he wanted lebensraum, but because the Polish government wouldn't return about 350,000 Danzigers to German rule. Oh, and he also lets us know that 15 million Germans were ethnically cleansed at the end of World War II, but shhh ... nobody's really supposed to remember that WWII had victims that didn't wear Star of David patches

Artificial lines don't create nations, Pat says - rather, what holds people together is language, faith and, yes, racial identity. Sans a dominant ethnocultural core OR an authoritarian regime, he says no multi-racial, multicultural or multilingual society can survive, citing the U.S.S.R. and the Balkans as exhibits A and B. 

This leads to a discussion of the nativist resurgence in Europe, which he reckons is a consequence of E.U. leaders being unable to manage the continent's debt and immigrant crises. He notes that Greece tried to build a wall to keep people from hopping over the gate in Turkey and India actually DID build a 2,500 mile fence around Bangladesh - huh - I wonder why nobody ever brings that up in contemporary political discussions about that wall? And that's our cue for a brief round-up of all the ethnoracial hostilities going on in the world. Here's the abridged list provided by Buchanan:

  • In Belgium, there's a huge cultural divide between Flanders and Wallonia and it's probably only a matter of time until they split off into two different countries.
  • There's a shit-load of unrest in Xinjiang, a predominantly Muslim region in China. Also, the Chinese government is flooding Han Chinese into Tibet, Manchuria and Inner Mongolia as part of some suspicious social engineering schemes. 
  • In the Indian Subcontinent, the Tamils, Nagas, Naxalites and Talanganas all want their own country. The Burma government is fighting a three-front war against the Kokang, Wa and Kachin rebels, while Islamic Malay separatists gave killed more than 120,000 people in Mindanao since the 1970s.
  • The Baluchs hate the fuck out of the Iranians and probably want their own country ... and so do the Kurds and Pashtuns. 
  • And hold on to your hats, the shit going on in Africa might take some time. We've got millions dying in the Ibo secession during the Nigerian Civil War, Mugabe's Mashoma killing Matabeles by the truck load in Zimbabwe, Jomo Kenyatta ethnically cleansing the Luo in 2008, Nuers and Dinkas duking it out in Sudan (which has actually turned into a triple threat match between Christians, Muslims and native animists), and Sanhan, Marelo and Jahn separatists trying to gain independence in Yemen (with Marxist separatists in Aden and Houthi rebels in the north).
  • Do we really need to even talk about the Middle East? You've got radical insurgents in Saudi Arabia, Arab vs. Druze conflict in Lebanon and Turkey actively trying to shed its secular facade to form a real Islamic nation state. Oh, and Yisrael Beiteinu wants to expel all Muslims from Israel, but that's hardly a surprise at all. 

Which dovetails into a discussion about wealth transfer. Pat quotes author Amy Chua on the rise of socioeconomic redistribution throughout the third world, who describes such as "an engine of potentially catastrophic ethnonationalism, pitting a frustrated indigenous majority, easily aroused by opportunistic vote-seeking politicians, against a resented, wealthy ethnic minority." It's happening writ large, she says, in places like Indonesia, Zimbabwe, Russia, Venezuela, Malaysia, Uganda, Nigeria, Ethiopia and Rwanda. In Bolivia, for example, Evo Morales tried to craft legislation that legally dispossessed whites, while in South Africa, the mass slaughter of white farmers has become a nearly endemic facet of the cultureIn the U.S. Pat says he sees this slowly coming to a boil in the black community, particularly noting African-American resentment of Korean business owners (and boy, who ever thought they'd see the day when Pat freakin' Buchanan quoted an Ice Cube song!)

And that's our segue to the chapter titled "The White Party," which is probably the most interesting/prescient chapter in the whole book. Here, Buchanan reminds us just how fucking racist Democrats have been throughout the 20th century, noting the aggressively anti-black stances of Harry Truman, John Sparkman, James Byrnes, James McReynolds, Hugo Black, John W. Davis and Adlai Stevenson. Indeed, EVERY single signer of the 1956 Southern Manifesto save two were democrats - meanwhile, Pat reminds us that Barry Goldwater, long remembered as one of the most bigoted presidential candidates of all-time, was actually a member of the NAACP and was responsible for desegregating the Phoenix public school system.

The electorate was greatly shifted, Pat says, by civil rights and immigration legislation in the 1960s, as well as the vote being granted to 18-year-olds in the 1970s. Naturally, this decreased the white voter share of the electorate; indeed, by 2020, he says whites will make up 66 percent of the electorate while non-whites will make up 34 percent. Rather than attempt to win over minority voters, Pat suggests it's wiser for Republicans to simply aim for increasing their overall share of the total white vote - an approach that, surprise surprise, was a huge factor in Donald Trump's election. "The Republican road to recapture of the White House lies in increasing white turnout and raising the party's share of that turnout - three fourths of the entire electorate - from McCain's 55 percent closer to the two-thirds won by Nixon and Reagan," Pat writes.

And as for the future of the right, Pat cites a 2010 Harvard University Institute of Politics youth survey. 57 percent of respondents said they were against affirmative action, 34 percent said they thought even legal immigration was harmful and 50 percent said illegal immigrants shouldn't get federal aid at state universities. "Despite the cult of diversity in which they are immersed from day care centers to college dorm," Pat writes, "America's young yet believe in equal justice for all and special privilege for none."

The section on the balkanization of the democratic base is definitely worth reading too. Here, Buchanan describes the liberal coalition of competing special interests groups as "a gathering of warring tribes that have come together in the anticipation of common plunder." He notes that blacks and Hispanics are generally opposed to abortion and gay marriage, while Asians hate the shit out of affirmative action and diversity quota policies that rob them of jobs and educational opportunities. Pat sums up the Democratic gameplan as an effort to "de-Christianize" America, promote multiculturalism and unrestricted immigration and stoke racial politics like a motherfucker. 

In "The Long Retreat," Buchanan lists seven causes of America's imperial downfall:

  1. The War on Terror cost $1 trillion and royally fucked up the Middle East
  2. Our imperial arrogance has pissed off all our allies and jeopardized our global hegemony
  3. The financial meltdown, the housing bubble collapse and Wall Street generally being allowed to run around like a bunch of wild, coked-up coyotes
  4. Our trade policy with China effectively ending our national economic independence
  5. The broken Mexico border leading to a "poor people's invasion" 
  6. The rise of nationalism abroad
  7. Our leaders buying into the sham of globalization

Pat calls for the U.S. to immediately suspend the G.W.O.T. "They come to kill us in our country because we will not get out of their countries," he writes. "We will never end terror attacks on this country until we remove our soldiers from those countries." Rather, he says he'd like to see those troops placed where they are really needed - at the U.S./Mexican border, to fight off Central American drug cartels suspected of having 100,000-man strong armies

Nationalism, in general, Pat says is a natural reaction to the formation of the ICC and the WTO and the Kyoto protocols. "Identity is local," he quotes Jude Daugherty. "It is the characteristic of a people who have inhabited a land over a period of time, who have developed certain collective habits, evident in their manners, their dress, the feasts they collectively enjoy, their religious bonds, the premium they put on education." This is something, Buchanan writes, that no one in their right mind would abandon for some sort of interdependent globalist order.

In the final chapter "The Last Chance," Buchanan comes to terms with the perhaps inevitable shift from the U.S. being a white, Western, Christian republic to being a multicultural egalitarian democracy. He quotes Duncan Williams' Trousered Apes: "No stable society can be built upon a theory which runs counter to reality. The harsh but unavoidable reality is that men are unequal in terms of hereditary abilities. Some are born with a greater degree of intellect, a greater capacity for sympathy, a greater ability to succeed than others." 

The old U.S. order, Pat says, was killed by a number of ideological movements. The 1960s sexual revolution destroyed the nation's formative Christian values. Feminism undermined the traditional family structure. The anti-war movement made patriotism unfashionable and the civil rights movement eventually led to the erection of a permanent white guilt state. The egalitarian socialist ideals of LBJ, Buchanan writes, are now "dominant in the culture, the arts, the academy and the media. The Fifth Column of the cultural revolution is entrenched in the courts, where judges and justices routinely discover that the Constitution they are sworn to uphold mandates the revolution they seek to bring about." This over-culture, Pat writes, simply cannot tolerate the legitimacy of white anger. Perhaps nothing demonstrates this better than a quote from Barack Obama himself: "They get bitter, they cling to guns or religion or antipathy to people who aren't like them or anti-immigrant sentiment or anti-trade sentiment as a way to explain their frustrations."

After namedropping Carl Rowan, author of 1996's The Coming Race War in America, Buchanan warns that multiculturalism isn't going to do much of anything except lead to deeper ethnic enclaves and more pronounced societal withdrawal. He refers to Obama and Palin as antipodes of the culture war, ultimately declaring "ideology was the poison, reason the antidote."

And now's the part where Pat tells all of us what HE thinks ought to happen to fix all this shit. First, he wants a two-year salary freeze for all federal employees, then a two-year suspension of cost-of-living adjustments to all entitlement programs (after that, we can switch to inflation based C.O.L. adjustments for social security.) Speaking of S.S., he wants to raise the age to 64 for early benefits and 68 for full benefits. He don't want no federal bailouts for state governments and absolutely ZERO foreign aid doled out for anything unrelated to national security. Then he wants rate reductions to replace the mortgage interest deduction and taxes on turnaround stocks and commodity trades (which he likens to taxes on gambling.) 

America, he argues, has to be re-industrialized. The U.S. lost 6 million manufacturing jobs from 2000 to 2010, and notes that manufacturing employees make twice as much money as service workers. "If we do not cure ourselves of this obsession with free trade, the industrial evisceration of the U.S. will continue until we make nothing the world wants but Hollywood movies," he writes. Pat says put tariffs on ALL imports, then use that money to reduce U.S. producer taxes. He proposes a 25 percent tariff on manufactured goods, food and fibers, which he says would generate $600 billion in revenue and allot for the total elimination of the corporate tax rate. The general idea, he says, is to get capital investments to swing from China to the U.S. "Equality and reciprocity, not globalization and free trade, should dictate the terms of trade," Pat writes. If the U.S. lost 100 percent of the world market but regained 100 percent of its OWN market, Pat says the U.S. would be $500 billion richer. "We have nothing to lose," he writes, "but our trade deficits." 

Pat says he wants immigration suspended until the national unemployment rate falls below 6 percent, and then we ought to emphasize English-speaking Christians with degrees and technical skills. He don't want no amnesty and no anchor babies, and goddamnit, somebody better start building that wall ASAP. Yeah, a little foreboding in hindsight, ain't it?

And then, there are Pat's parting shots on the culture war, which he seems to accept as at least partially unwinnable. Alas, he floats up a couple of ideas, including restricting the jurisdiction of federal courts "rested and rusted in the seaboard," urging congress to add riders declaring laws are not subject to judicial review and adding Ward Connerly's  Califonia Civil Rights Initiative into federal law and maybe even the Constitution. "When judges become dictators," he concludes the tome, "citizens become rebels."

What do you mean American society is falling apart? Surely, you have no examples to back up THAT absurd claim, do you?

I've read plenty of conservative and liberal screeds over the years, and Suicide of a Superpower is definitely one of the best I've picked up from this century, regardless of political ideology. The author makes a very strong, heavily evidence-supported case as to why globalism and multiculturalism will inevitably lead to the U.S. losing its economic independence, and why Republican pandering to the white vote isn't just a sound strategic initiative, it's practically a necessary political survival mechanism. Admittedly, Buchanan's tangents about the culture war tend to drag a bit, but beyond that, it's hard to find any faults with Pat's logic.

Of course, if you're a dyed-in-the-wool conservative you'll eat this shit up, but from my perspective, this is a book that transcends political ideology. Like Robert Michels Political Parties and Norman Angell's The Great Illusion, it connects the dots to a much, much larger picture than simply what's going on concurrently in society. This is a book that sees the unavoidable outcome of blind allegiance to globalism, open borders and open trade. Instead of making us a more interconnected world, Pat surmises all it's really going to do is make us more interdependent, which in turn, will inevitably result in America become indebted and eventually indentured by foreign powers. He also had the foresight to acknowledge economic nationalism as the only safeguard against not only creeping globalism, but ethnoracial identity tribalism. Never in history has a multicultural society succeeded without some sort of overarching ethnic majority in power OR expansive government control. The end of white America, he forewarns, means but the beginning of massive ethnoracial balkanization throughout the United States - or even worse, the emergence of a large scale political behemoth the likes of which America has never experienced before to keep the multilingual masses in check.  International economic combat and tribal strife, he reminds us time and time again, sparked two world wars; call me crazy, but there's something about old man Buchanan's ominous declarations that strikes me as eerily, eerily ominous.

Depending on your personal political  ideology, you'll either love Suicide or hate it with a fiery passion. Ultimately, however, you're going to be loving it or despising it for the exact same reason: because it lays out some oh-so-palpable truths about human nature and the forgotten lessons of history involving the making - and breaking - of cultural hegemonies.  

Make no mistake, Suicide is a supremely important book, and one that certainly transcends the meager arch-conservative propaganda label so many people would like to slap on the cover so they can discard it as worthless agitprop. Perhaps one day, 40, 30 or even just 20 years into the future, we're going to be able to look back on Buchanan's work and appreciate it as one of the most accurate works of speculative "fiction" ever penned. As with the works of George Friedman, this is a must-read for anyone who ever wonders what society will be like once they perish from the Earth; and in that, old Patty Boy here may have just penned the greatest "I Told 'Ya So" story any future generation could ever read on the downfall of the America you and me knew.

Thursday, April 20, 2017

The Flintstone Kids Infamous "Just Say No" Episode!

Just in time for 4/20, a fond look back at one of the most awkward anti-drug messages ever presented in a kids' cartoon. Don't ask me how or why, but yes, LATOYA JACKSON somehow gets involved.

By: Jimbo X

Let me just start off by saying I fucking hate marijuana users. In all my 30-something years in life I've never - I mean not  even once - ran into a chronic pot smoker I've wanted to spend more than five seconds around. EVERY last pothead I've been around has had the same shitty attitude; they're all lazy and gross and impulsive and can't converse worth a fuck, which is actually a bit of a positive since they never have anything worthwhile to say anyway. Whenever I learn somebody uses weed, I tend to take it as a secret code that lets me know they're a bunch of boring, lethargic assholes from the get-go. Say what you will about heroin addicts and crack users, but at least they TRY to downplay their substance abuse as a vital part of their existence. Meanwhile, all marijuana users fucking care about is marijuana, and like the most annoying Crossfit/vegan/atheist proselytizers out there, they NEVER, EVER shut up about how much they like their stupid-ass hobby/hopeless substance dependency. Potheads are far and away the most annoying and aggravating subculture in American society - yes, even worse than leftist social justice warriors and far right paranoid gun nuts - and the more acceptable marijuana use becomes in the country, the more irritating and insufferable they seem to become.

Granted, I think a large part of the reason why drug culture has become so expansive (to the point it's practically encouraged by the media and considered mainstream behavior everywhere except in the federal law books and households with good parents) is because the powers that be spent so much damn time and money trying to convince everybody to not smoke dope in the 1980s. We've all seen Reefer Madness and played Narc and had to watch Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue in elementary school, and in hindsight, it's pretty hard to see how even grade schoolers couldn't have figured out D.A.R.E. and all that shit was woefully heavy-handed, hyperbolic bullshit that only served to make drugs look and sound cooler. Kids have a natural predilection for the countercultural, and nothing - I repeat, fucking nothing - is more uncooly mainstream than having Nancy Reagan give Arnold Drummond lectures on the dangers of junior high heroin use

Looking back on it, if the D.E.A. wanted to keep kids from becoming a bunch of drugged up ne'er-do-wells, instead of putting out P.S.A.'s where drug dealers literally turned into snake monsters and people did swan dives into empty swimming pools, they SHOULD have shown every elementary schooler in America videos of 40 and 50 year-old potheads smoking grass and eating Funyons and talking about how great the Grateful Dead are. Then, the message would've been a million times more effective as a deterrent to doing drugs: hey kids, if you smoke weed for a good 20 years, eventually you'll wind up becoming a fat-ass hippie layabout with the memory span of a malnourished gnat. Shit, what Tommy Chong looks like today ought to be enough to make anybody straight edge.

Which brings us to one of the more overlooked pieces of child-targeted anti-drug propaganda from the Reagan and Bush I years - The Flintstone Kids "Just Say No" episode. 

Now, The Flintstone Kids is a show I remember from way back in the day, but for the life of me, I couldn't remember anything that actually happened on a single episode, save this one. The general gist of the show was that it followed the exploits of Fred and Barney and the rest of this stone age motherfuckers when they were prepubescent, so naturally, it was going to be pretty terrible by default. I guess if you go back and watch the show now there's nothing transcendentally bad about the program, but compared to its contemporaries - you know, Ninja Turtles and Ghostbusters and all that stuff - it was woefully unappealing material. 

But that really doesn't matter, because "Just Say No" exists in its own special vacuum in time and space. You don't need to know a damn thing about the Flintstone Kids mythos to understand it or enjoy it - and the reason should be abundantly clear in just a few moments.

Unfortunately for Betty, that wasn't a concert flyer - it was a wanted poster for a registered sex offender.

The episode begins innocuously enough, with Fred (who I'm almost certain is voiced by the same guy who voices Robin on Teen Titans) returning from a trip to Hollyrock, which presumably, is the Stone Age equivalent to Hollywood. He keeps saying annoying non-words like "fabb-o" and "ins-ville" to sound like a big shot, so Barney - being the slow motherfucker he is - can't figure out what he's talking about so Fred just drops the bullshit and tells him he had a good time. Enter Betty and some token black cave-boy who was never on the original Flintstones cartoon. She's swooning all over a poster (well, technically, a chiseled tablet) of Michael Jackstone. He's doing a concert in town and they need money for tickets, so they head over to Wilma's place. Since all of the kids were on vacation at the same time (my, what a convenient little coincidence), Wilma's had to find new friends and started hanging out with these punk rocker hoodlums that make her dress like a skank and change her name to Scooter.

They ask Wilma/Scooter if she has any fundraising ideas and she says she's going to get tickets with the punk kids by winning tomorrow's Riddle Rally. The audience has no idea what the hell that's supposed to be, but we are told that those no-good punk kids always win it, for some reason. Fred, in a moment of desperation, says he doesn't need their stupid Riddle Rally bullshit and that he's going to pay for the tickets by opening a pet grooming business. 

The kids act pretty nonchalant about losing their best friend, even after baby Dino starts crying like little brontosaurus bitch (which actually reminded me of my girlfriend's puppy whenever I leave, which kinda does tug at my heartstrings BUT DON'T YOU EVER ACCUSE ME OF BEING A SOFTY YOU SONSOFBITCHES OR I'LL CUT YOU.)

Ahem ... moving along, we then see this one kid with the worst laryngitis you've ever heard in your life stumbling across the foreground, declaring himself "the greatest" as he flails to and from like a Nintendo sidescroller. Well, that certainly has to be a non sequitur the show will never return to, right?

As it turns out, that stumbling little fuck's name is Stoney, and he's (of course) the leader of the punk kids. His cronies wonder why he's acting so weird and then he pulls out a joint and the kids shriek "is that marijuana?" and "isn't that a drug?" The token Asian punk says they've smoked a few cigarettes before - call it a hunch, but I'm guessing it was this brand - but they've never, ever tried the reefer. Even though one of the punk kids recounts his parents telling him to never do drugs because they could mess up his life, Stoney tries to convince them it's no big deal. Wilma/Scooter takes one glance at her sundial watch and says "yep, that's my cue to get the fuck out of here." Stoney says he will let her go to her emergency dental appointment this time, but next time she's GOTTA' smoke a fatty with them or else she's out of the gang.

Oh, so THAT's why they call him "Stoney" - it's because he likes to get stoned! Holy shit, that's some clever writing.

So Wilma runs to her old friends and tells them Stoney brought drugs to their secret cave meeting and they all gasp and Dino blows a raspberry at the mere mention of the word "marijuana." They chit-chat about the ills of pot for a while and then Fred says "lots of cool kids don't do drugs," including his cousin in Hollyrock who started his own "Just Say No" club. They advise Wilma to speak with her parents about weed and her dad tells her to find some new friends because drugs hurt your body and makes it so you can't even think straight and they'll probably turn her into a crack whore. Well, I made that last one up, but he did say all that other stuff, though.

Wilma/Scooter returns to Stoney's garage the next day and she bravely tells the rest of the crew "I think drugs are wrong, besides, they're against the law." Stoney tells Wilma to take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut (well, not really) and she returns to her old friends not looking like some junior high heroin addict into the Cramps. They decide right then and there to start a "Just Say No" club and make decorations while this oddly soothing synth-pop song with the lyrics "everybody say no" plays in the background. And we'll get back to that song at the tail end of this article, kiddos - trust me, you're going to want to stick around for this mind-blowing bit of trivia. 

Naturally, all the parents in town are pleased as punch the kids aren't freebasing cocaine after school, with Mrs. Flintstone quipping "the only thing Freddy used to say no to was doing the dishes!" Then the kids open their pet grooming business and start washing dinosaurs and shit. Stoney shows up and stumbles into a trashcan and one of his lackeys says "maybe that 'Just Say No' club isn't too wimpy." Stoney then ominously declares, one way or another, those kids will fail to make enough money to afford those concert tickets. 

So Stoney, being the pothead piece of shit he is, emerges from the bushes smoking a joint and switches up all the service order tablets at the pet washing place. He says he is utterly gobsmacked anybody could possibly have fun working and making money instead of puffing on grass all the fucking time. Then he falls off a cliff, because he got high, because he got high, because he got high.

Of course the dealer is black. You just knew the dealer was going to be black.

Of course, the kids fuck up all the pets and shave them and paint them pink and all their customers demand a refund. Stoney shows up and says they need to be more careful next time and Fred quickly realizes Stoney was the one that fucked up all the orders so now, he's going to beat his ass ... at the Riddle Rally tomorrow, and win those tickets, goddamnit. Stoney - being the cocky little cocksucker he is - says he's won the competition every year for the last three years so there's no point in Fred and pals even entering the race. Then again, that was also before Stoney started smoking 18 joints a day and regularly getting into fistfights with trees, so there may or may not be a noticeable deterioration in his abilities heading into this year's festivities. 

Stoney shows up at the race and he's not just high, he's fucking Nick Diaz on the day of a title fight high. He's so fucked up, he literally can't remember how to run anymore and thinks the scavenger hunt instructions are in Japanese because he's holding the tablet upside down. An aside I know, but how the fuck does the Japanese language exist before the nation of Japan existed, by like, 2.5 million years? If this shit's supposed to be in the Stone Age, technically, these kids aren't even supposed to be genetically human yet, so any evidence of a culture that wasn't founded until 660 B.C. showing up is just inexcusably lazy. And yeah, I know people and dinosaurs never coexisted, so shut the fuck up about that, too.

Barney finds the penultimate clue under a giant acorn and Dino finds the final clue underneath a swing set seat. The Flintstone Kids wind up winning the race for a litany of reasons, but primarily, because none of their team members were strung out on the prehistoric version of Oxycontin. Stoney drops a joint and a cop picks it up - and since it's a black cop, you're not entirely sure that shit's going to make it back to the evidence room (I keed, I keed, cue rimshot.) The other punks are pissed Stoney's dope-doing ways cost them the race so they tell him to go eat a pile of pterodactyl shit while they join the "Just Say No" club.

That's when Officer Quartz apprehends Stoney, telling him drugs are "dumb, dangerous and against the law." He then takes his ass back to the police station, where - hopefully - he will either get raped or have his arm cut off like what's-his-name in Requiem for a Dream so he won't smoke grass no more. 

The kids go to the concert and Michael Jackstone (accompanied by a gorilla playing drums and a dinosaur playing bass) is performing a version of "Beat It" but the words have been changed to warn listeners about the dangers of drug use. "You don't need it, just say no to drugs to defeat it," one line goes. "Drugs are wrong and you're right." Of course, it isn't the real Michael Jackson singing, but at least they tried to make it halfway realistic and animated him like he was a disheveled white woman. During the end credits, although Michael Jackson is given songwriting credits for "Beat It," they never do tell us who actually sang the song. But we do learn something almost as shocking - that the "Just Say No" song from earlier was actually performed by LATOYA JACKSON. Fuck, and here I was thinking the most amazing thing about an anti-drug cartoon was that it ironically revolved around a hardcore drug user and child molester - man, life really is a trip, ain't it?

A photograph from the first ever prehistoric NAMBLA meeting.

Well, there's not a whole lot more to say about that one, is there? While the "Just Say No" special hasn't garnered as much infamy as some of the more aggressive and heavy-handed propaganda toons of the epoch - God, can any of us forget that "AIDS episode" of Captain Planet? - but apparently, this thing made a big enough impression on enough people to inspire a full fledged Wikipedia article which tells us - well, not a whole shit load about why it deserves its own standalone Wiki entry, to be honest. Apparently the original airing included a brief message from Nancy Reagan about why second-graders shouldn't do Quaaludes, but I suppose losing that one to the ravages of time is nothing to shed any tears over. 

It's pretty easy to look back on the cartoon and make fun of it for its ultra-stereotypical depiction of potheads, but compared to some of the other anti-drug 'toons out there it almost seems painfully restrained. It's kinda obvious Hanna Barbara prolly didn't want to go through with it, but ABC likely convinced them it would be good for ratings so they begrudgingly tried to drum up an anti-dope smoking diatribe that wasn't too over the top. Still, it's just surreal as fuck hearing the prepubescent versions of Fred and Barney talking about weed, which - irony of ironies - is probably really, really funny after a bong hit or two.

When you talk about "junk culture," this is pretty much the kinda' stuff that epitomizes the concept. It's such an outdated product of its time, with no real redeeming social purpose or artistic value. The federal government literally threw a wad of cash at ABC and said "make Fred Flintstone tell kids to not drop LSD" and voila, the "Just Say No" special suddenly sprang to life. Outside of the shameless cash incentive, there is no justifiable reason for this thing to exist - it's not just superfluous nonsense, it's federally subsidized superfluous nonsense from the eighties, which is pretty much the most extravagantly wasteful thing imaginable. 

But on the positive side? At least we got a surprisingly catchy Latoya Jackson song out of it. You pot smoking dickheads can enjoy your sticky green this 4/20 - I reckon I'll just be grooving on the natural high of overly-corporatized late '80s synth pop instead.