Saturday, April 15, 2017

LIVE Round-By-Round Coverage of UFC on Fox: Johnson vs. Reis!

You know what makes live, nationally broadcast MMA events on free TV even better? Our live stream commentary keeping you abreast of the action all night long.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Alright, kids, are you ready for MORE UFC action? Yeah, I know we just had a PPV last week, but this here free show on the Fox network is easily ten times better looking than the one WME asked Joe Q. Consumer to shell out $59.99 a couple days back to watch - go fucking figure.

With the fights you actually care about kicking off at 6 p.m. Eastern, join your buddy Jimbo live on the Internetz for our LIVE round-by-round coverage of the event, which will be sure to contain one or more of the following: jokes, jokes that aren't funny, grammatical errors, misspelled surnames and totally random, profane observations on miscellaneous television commercials. Oh, you KNOW you want all of this shit right here ... you want it baaaad.

I ain't going to lie to you. I've got a lot of shit planned tonight so I'm probably going to miss at least half of tonight's festivities. BUT whatever stuff I don't get around to covering live I'll go back and revisit on the WEBZ and update it after the show. So all that to say, I'm still covering the event live, but the updates are going to be a little more sporadic than usual.

It's a pretty big weekend for sports. You've got the NBA and NHL playoffs going on, plus the usual Premier League stuff. And I just caught a totally random and awesome as fuck eight-man tag on ROH's weekly TV show I didn't even know was carried in my market, let alone at 1 p.m. on a Saturday afternoon. So yeah, looks like the UFC has got a lot of competition for my attention this Easter.

Oh, and if you're wondering what my NHL and NBA playoff brackets look like, read 'em and weep, suckahs ...



That's the Pens over the Oilers in seven on the ice and the Warriors over the Cavs in seven on the paint. Take it to the bank, folks - these picks are as good as solid damned gold.

Alright, I didn't get into the prelims until 6:48 p.m. So I will go back and watch the show tomorrow and fill you in on the gaps. I promise, for real.

We are coming to you LIVE from the Sprint Center in Kansas City, which isn't the same arena where Owen Hart died but eh, close enough. Our commentators this evening are Jon Anik and Brian Stann, or as they are sometimes known, "before and after."

Fox Prelims

Flyweight Bout
Louis Smolka (11-3-0-0) vs. Tim Elliot (14-7-1-0)

Louis Smolka is looking to rebound from two back-to-back losses, the most recent being a decision defeat at the hands of Ray Borg at UFC 207. Meanwhile, Tim Elliot was last seen doing way better than anybody anticipated against Demetrious Johnson last December - but he still lost, though, as evident by the fact he's headlining the prelim curtain jerker for a free TV show instead of headlining a PPV with a really, really low buyrate.

Elliot with a takedown right out the gate. Now he's looking for a guillotine choke. Now he's in full side control. He's up and pounding Smolka with knees and straight jabs. They clinch. Elliot lands some more knees and Smolka lands a throw. But it's for naught, since Elliot has his back again. He taked Smolka down and hammers the fuck out of his spine. Both men standing in the center of the cage again. Elliot with another takedown and Smolka is working a guillotine. He's in the butterfly guard for about two seconds then Elliot gets his back. Elliot with elbows up against the cage. Elliot with another takedown. Looks like he's trying fo an armbar. These two motherfuckers sure know how to scramble, that's for sure. ANOTHER takedown by Elliot. Elliot with a ton of punches. Smolka is bleeding under his eye. Thirty seconds left. Smolka finally landing some big shots. Elliot whiffs on a spinning kick as the hor sounds. 10-9 for Elliot. 

Round two. Elliot with a takedown, but Smolka grabs a guillotine. Elliot takes Smolka down again. And then he lands ANOTHER. Elliot has a DEEP choke in. Smolka is all sorts of fucked right now but he manages to escape. Elliot has Smolka in the crucifix mount and now he's just hammering the fuck out of him. Then Smolka snakes out and locks in a fucking ankle lock. Elliot rolls out and he's in side control. This is a technical clinic. Both men throwing loopy, tired punches. Elliot with another super easy takedown. Smolka trying a guillotine, but he ain't getting it. Elliot rolls his way out into side control, but Smolka still hasn't let go of the guillotine. Elliot is out. Now he has Smolka in a guillotine. That fucker is DEEP. Thirty seconds to go. Elliot punches Smolka in the stomach but he can't finish off his foe. 20-18 Elliot.

Round three. Audience is on its feet. Elliot with leg kicks. Elliot lands a single leg takedown. Either Elliot is one of the best wrestlers in UFC history or Smolka has historically bad wrestling defense. Both men back up. Smolka lands a good body shot. Elliot is eight for nine on takedowns in this fight. Elliot in the full mount. He doesn't do anything. Both men are back up. Elliot takes Smolka down with an awesome Judo toss. Elliot with a body triangle from the mount. Elliot has outlanded Smolka 78 to 29. Smolka desperately trying to lock in a D'arce choke. Both men on their feet and Smolka GERMAN SUPLEXES that nigga. Elliot looks gassed. A minute left. Elliot in side control. Both fighters up. Elliot lands another takedown, just because he can. Elliot takes him down one more time and Smolka locks in a north-south choke right as the bell sounds. 30-27 for Elliot.

Let's go to the judges, why don't we? Yep, Elliot wins it by unanimous decision. Stann asks him what it's like to land 11 out of 15 takedown attempts in one fight. Elliot says he's still trying to integrate some new stuff with his old stuff and he's going to have an after party at some shitty Kansas City club later tonight. 

RANDOM COMMERCIAL OBSERVATIONS: Taco Bell will help get you out of the friend zone with burritos. And in case you are wondering - and you should have wondered for a LONG time - this is what Tom Bodett of the Motel Six commercials looks like

OK, long story short, Tim Elliot won a unanimous decision in what the Internet is telling me is a legitimately great fight. I missed it when it aired, but I got this motherfucker recorded. I'll watch it tomorrow and give you my full thoughts, so be sure to bookmark this bitch and revisit the recap the morning after.

Lightweight Bout
Bobby Green (23-7-0-0) vs. Rashid Magomedov (19-2-0-0)

Former KOTC and Bellator competitor Bobby Green has dropped his last two fights in the UFC, but he did have an eight-fight win streak before that. Adversary Rashid Magomedov lost his last fight, a decision loss to Beneil Dariush last November,  but he did win his last 12 fights before that. So, yeah, basically, these two guys need wins, but not that much, so maybe they'll fight all hard and stuff. Or maybe not. We'll just have to wait and see.

Wow, the Sprint Center looks like a giant, shitty disco ball. No wonder they couldn't get any NBA or NHL teams to come there. Also, fuck shitty looking games like Mass Effect and Horizon Dawn, but I sure as hell wouldn't mind getting my hands on that new Gran Turismo game. 

Green is the black guy in white and Magomedov is the white guy in black. Got it? Good. LOL, these guys are only about 30 pounds heavier than Elliot and Smolka but they look like they weigh 185 pounds of muscle by comparison. Anyhoo, Green clinches him up against the cage and peppers him with elbows and knees. Green grabs the ref and starts screaming while holding his junk. He is given time to untangle his testicles and this fight doth continue. Rashid is penalized no points. Hey, just how in the hell did "Rashid" become a popular name for black dudes AND Russians? The fans keep making this annoying "whooping" bird call. Rashid drops Green with a body shot. Hoo boy, this fight is the exact opposite of the awesome opening match. Rashid whiffs on a head kick. Rashid with some dirty boxing up against the cage. Green trying to clinch him. Green with a bodylock. He ALMOST slams Rashid to the mat but he just can't wrench him up. The round ends with Green peppering Rashid with knees up against the cage. 10-9 Green.

Round two. Rashid with some good shots early. Rashid with some decent leg kicks. Green with retaliatory leg kicks. Boy, this is just a festival of leg kicks now. Green is bleeding heavily from his eye on an errant eyepoke. Stann explains how the plastic pieces of the glove can scrape people's flesh off. Well, science. Then Anik talks about how stupid it is that fighters these days are basically calling timeouts and the refs give it to them. Green smothers Rashid up against the cage. Rashid with a takedown, but Green is right back up. Rashid with a good combo. Thirty seconds left. Green with a good jab, and a leg kick. Rashid with a good counter punch and a solid body kick to conclude the round. 19-19. 

Round three. LOL at the commentators not knowing whether or not stuff is legal under the new rules ... or if the state of Missouri has even instituted the new rules, for that matter. Green with a good head shot. Rashid with a kick to the midsection. Rashid misses on a kick and Green grabs his leg. Gren goes for a flying knee but Rashid blocks it. Rashid with a HEAVY overhand shot. Green throwing a ton of feints now. Rashid gets a brief timeout because ... something. Ninety seconds to go. Rashid with a good right hand to the jaw. Rashid with a leg kick and a damn good combo. Green clinches Rashid against the cage and throws some shitty looking knees to his opponent's knees. Both me in the middle of the cage with ten seconds left. Rashid with a spinning high kick and a Superman punch. That ought to be enough to give the Russian the round and, by default, the fight.

Rashid wins it by split decision. That makes him 20-2 as a professional fighter. But since the fight sucked, they didn't even bother giving him a post-fight interview. 

OK, I missed this shit, too, so don't sue. Anyway Magomedov won by split decision. Come back tomorrow morning and I will have the full details for 'ya.

Bantamweight Bout
Patrick Williams (8-4-0-0) vs. Tom Duquesnoy (14-1-0-0)

Hey, what do you know, neither of these guys have Wikipedia pages. Patrick Williams has a 1-1 record in the UFC, but he hasn't fought since June 2015. His opponent Tom  Duquesnoy is making his company debut tonight; he brings with him a 8-fight unbeaten streak ported over from his former employer, BAMMA.

Williams with a big reach advantage. The referee has a billion gang-like neck tattoos. Williams with some hard leg kicks early. He's bobbing and weaving and use head movement like Anderson Silva used to. Williams with a leg trip takedown. He's bunching dafuck out of Tom against the cage. He's back up and both men are in the center of the cage again. Williams whiffs on a huge head kick. Tom with a knee and Williams retaliates with an elbow. Tom with a low kick but Williams catches him and takes him down. Both men back up. Williams with a kick to the midsection. Williams staggers him with a hard shot by Tom recovers. Tom with a knee to the stomach. Williams whiffs on a takedown and falls flat on his face. Williams misses a huge elbow shot. Tom with a knee to the chin and a low leg kick. Williams starting to bleed under his eye now. Now Tom is bleeding three times worse under his eye. Tom with a knee and a hard elbow shot up against the cage as the bell sounds. A very close round, but I've got it 10-9 for Williams.

Round two. Tom got two HUGE elbow shots in right at the bell. Williams with a hard jab early. Tom with knees and more elbow shots. Tom clips Williams with a HARD elbow shot. Williams drops to the canvas and Tom clips him two or three times on the mat and the ref says "that's all, Jimmy," even though nobody in the cage right now is actually named Jimmy.

The official time was just 0:28 of the second round. He has a very GSP-like accent, you know, him being French and all.

Now time for some stuff about Jackie Robinson and blacks in baseball, because that has EVERYTHING to do with MMA.

Matt Brown and TJ Dillashaw are in the house. And the strings of "Baba O'Reilly" let us know the main card will be starting very, very shortly.

Heavyweight Bout
Alexander Volkov (27-6-0-0) vs. Roy Nelson (22-13-0-0)

Alexander Volkov, a former M-1 Global and Bellator Heavyweight champ, didn't really impress in his UFC debut last November, barely eking out a split decision win against Timothy Johnson. The 28-year-old has an opportunity to put his name on the map tonight with a victory against Heavyweight division gate keeper Roy Nelson, who knocked out Bigfoot Silva last September but is 4-6 overall in his last ten fights.

Volkov gets booed like a motherfucker just for being Russian and I LOL. This is like watching Sagat fight E. Honda in real life. Volkov with a head kick early. Nelson looking for a takedown but he can't get it. Volkov with more kicks to the belly (like he could miss with a target like Nelson.) Nelson shoots for a double leg takedown. Volkov doing a good job defending it. Big knee to Nelson's face against the cage. Now Volkov has reversed the situation and is trying t grind Nelson down against the cage and then Nelson reverses it and finally lands the takedown. And he gets another one. Volkov on the mat, Nelson trying to keep his arms down. Nelson with some shitty short range punches on the ground. Nelson still holding him down with a half a minute left. Not a whole lot happening in the waning moments of the round. The ref stands them up. And Volkov proceeds to spend the next 20 seconds just fucking teeing off on Nelson, who gets a few good shots in of his own in the slugfest. 10-9 for Volkov in my book.

Round two. Loud "USA" chants, because there pretty much has to be. LOL, Volkov's nickname is literally "Ivan Drago." Nelson trying to work a takedown up against the cage. He's peppering him with soft punches. Volkov escapes and both men are in the middle of the cage again. Nelson with a leg kick and he shoots for another takedown. No dice. Back in the middle of the cage again. Nelson is so short compared to Volkov, he literally punches him in the thigh with a straight jab. Nelson whiffs on a huge overhand shot. He lands a good head shot, but Volkov shakes it off. Minute to go. Volkov with a solid uppercut. Nelson lands some HUGE shots and then Volkov rocks his ass right back. Nelson whiffs on another uge haymaker. Volkov with a flurry of punches and some knees to end the round. 20-18 Volkov, I see it.

Round three. Daniel Cormier and Dominick Cruz have joined the announce desk and are giving Nelson advice on how to win the fight. Nelson looking for a takedown and Volkov hits him about ten times in a row. Volkov with leg kicks. Really, really shitty looking leg kicks, to be more precise. Volkov kicks Nelson right in the fucking face but he shakes it off. Volkov with a straight jab. Then a kick to the midsection. Nelson lands an uppercut. Then Volkov rattles off several straight jabs. He's 17 for 19 on body shots, by the way. Nelson looking for yet another takedown. He has Volkov's arms locked but he gets it easily and knees Nelson in the face. About a minute left. Nelson with a whiffed haymaker. Volkov with a kick to the stomach. Volkov with two punches and a hard kick to the leg. Nelson lands a big overhanded shot right at the bell. It's gotta' be 30-27 for Volkov.

Yep, it's 30-27 across the board for Volkov. The crowd boos the decision like a motherfucker. His translator looks like a really fat metal head that works at the local indie record shop. He wishes everybody a happy Easter, which I guess kinda' wins him over to the audience. I think.

Matt Brown and TJ Dillashaw are in the house. And the strings of "Baba O'Reilly" let us know we are just minutes away from the start of the main card...

Brian Stann and Jon Anik are our ringside announcers. Stann's fist is literally bigger than Anik's head. And hey, here's a pre-taped hype video for our main card curtain jerker narrated by Joe Rogan...

RANDOM COMMERCIAL THOUGHT: I'd rather take Paige VanZant to Motel Six than Domino's Pizza, if you catch my drift (***coughcoughBILLCOSBYcoughcough***)

FOX Main Card

Featherweight Bout
Jeremy Stephens (25-13-0-0) vs. Renato Moicana (10-0-1-0)

Jeremy "Lil' Heathen" Stephens has had a real up-and-down career in the UFC, going 5-5 in his last ten bouts. He looks to rebound from his UFC 205 decision loss to Frankie Edgar with a win tonight over technically undefeated Renato Moicana, who is 2-0 in the company and 8-0 in his old stomping grounds, Jungle Fight, down in Brazil.

Renato with leg kicks early. Stephens fires back with leg kicks of his own. Renato with a spinning kick that doesn't land. Hard kick from Renato. Renato whiffs on another spinning kick. Stephens with a high kick that doesn't connect. Renato with more leg kicks like a motherfucker. Stephens trying to chase him down. He gets a good right hand off. Stephens with a leg kick. And a SOLID uppercut. Renato ducks a punch and takes his opponent down. Stephens looking for a kimura, of all things. Thirty seconds to go in the round. And the bell sounds with absolutely nothing happen on the mat for the last half a minute. 10-9 for Renato on my card.

Round two. Renato starts with some leg kicks. Stephens responds with some leg kicks of his own. Stephens shots for a takedown, but he can't get it. Renato with a big right, but Stephens no sells it. Stephens has a headlock secured for about two seconds. Leg kick from Stephens. Renato with a hard straight jab. Stephens with more leg kicks. Renato with another a jab and more leg kicks. Stephens rattles off some good shots. Renato whiffs on a spinning kick. Stephens with another leg kick. Renato lands a hard striaght jab. Stephens whiffs on a huge uppercut and Renato runs away like a scared little bitch and the crowd boos his cowardice/common sense. Stephens with a big right hand. Both men swinging like crazy now. Minute to go. Stephens whiffs on a punch. He tries to kick Renato in the stomach but his for grabs his foot. Renato runs like a wittle pussy as the bell sounds. 19-19 heading into the decisive third round.

Round three. Hey, did you know this is the first UFC show ever in the state of Missouri? Renato lands a takedown. Both men back up and in the center of the cage. Stephens with leg kicks and a few jabs that don't really connect. Renato with a hard jab. Stephens with another leg kick. Stephens trying to chase Renato down. Stephens bleeding heavily from his nose. Stephens can't land the uppercut. Renato tags him on the rebound. Dude keeps running from Stephens and the fans are booing the fuck out of him. Renato with a leg kick. One minute left. Stephens with an uppercut. He misses on a huge hook. More Stephens leg kicks. Renato avoids some big punches in the waning seconds and we have a slugfest that lasts all of two seconds before the final horn. That takedown is probably enough to net Renato the round, and hence, the fight, 29-28.

Renato wins it by split decision. They don't even do a post-fight interview with him because fuck him, that's why. 

Tyron Woodley is in the house. Our announcers do the hard sell for UFC 211, which to their credit, does sounds like a pretty fuckin' stacked card. Hey, how about them Ottawa Senators rebounding from a 3-1 deficit at the start of the third period to beat Boston 4-3 in O.T.?

Middleweight Bout
Ronaldo Souza (24-4-0-1) vs. Robert Whittaker (18-4-0-0)

Ronaldo Souza has been waiting forever for a shot at the UFC Middleweight Championship, and he could find himself the third next in line after GSP and Yoel Romero with a win this evening. However, he's gotta' get past Robert Whittaker first, and that's no small task seeing as how he's riding a six fight winning streak. This is actually a phenomenal little match for free TV, which is probably impactful enough to co-main a PPV - regardless of who wins, the consequences of this one are going to reverberate throughout the 185-pound fray for a long time to come.

Yeah, that there middleweight division sure is stacked, ain't it? Souza just signed an eight-fight deal with the UFC, so surely that won't be a sticking point in tonight's outcome. Nope, not ever, in any way, shape or form. Also, my countfy ass just NOW leaned that "jacare" is Portuguese for "alligator," which now explains why Souza sometimes slithers around on the mat like he's a retarded salamander or something.

Whittaker with some low punches. Souza shoots for a takedown but he can't get it. Souza with a kick to the midsection. Souza almost connects on a spinning kick. He grinds Whittaker against the cage. Souza with knees to the stomach. He finally gets the takedown. The two roll around on the mat about five times and both men are back up. But Souza gets the takedown and now he's trying to get Rob's back, but he shakes him off. Both men standing in the middle of the cage again. Whittaker rocks Souza with a hard jab, but Souza is right back up. Souza whiffs on a huge kick. Whittaker misses a big uppercut. Souza lands some shots. About 30 seconds left. Pretty much a stalemate until bell sounds. 10-9 Souza, if you asked me.

Round two. Cormier and Cruz are in the announce booth now. Whittaker ROCKS HIM! Souza survives, Whittaker refuses to hop in the open guard and we're standing again. Another big uppercut from Whittaker. And Whittaker connects with a head kick. Whittaker tags him AGAIN. Whittaker leads on significant strikes 20-9. Whittaker with a kick to the midsection. The two men exchange punches. Souza ges knocked down and Whittaker is just landing a million billion elbows and punches and the REF WAVES IT OFF.

The official time 3:28 of the second round. That is a MAJOR upset right there. That's his seventh consecutive win in the UFC, and if it DOESN'T earn him a title eliminator bout against Yoel Romero, this shit is more fixed than pro 'rasslin.

A fan poll shows that 81 percent of viewers think Mighty Mouse is going to win tonight's main event. That sounds pretty low, actually. And here's a hard sell for an upcoming Fight Night card in Nashville neither you or anyone you know will be tuning into...

Pretty much how the Robert Whittaker vs. Ronaldo Souza bout played out...

Strawweight Bout
Rose Namajunas (6-3-0-0) vs. Michelle Waterson (14-4-0-0)

This may very well be an eliminator belt for the women's strawweight strap. Although Rose Namajunas couldn't get past Karolina Kowalkiewicz at UFC 201, she could nonetheless find herself next in line for a shot at the 115 pound title with a victory tonight. The same holds true for her opponent, Michelle Waterson, whose last bout entailed a rear naked choke finish of Paige VanZant last December.

Fine, I'll say it - Rose looks like that evil little kid from Toy Story. Waterson with low kicks early. Then a side kick to the face. Waterson with a judo toss, and she has Rose in a headlock. Now Rose has her back. She has her in a full nelson. Rose transitions to the side mount. Now she's almost in the full mount. Waterson wraps her legs around Rose. Rose lands some nasty elbows. Now Rose is popping he with some huge hammer fists. She's folding Waterson up like an accordion. She's back in the full mount. Both women standing up against the cage. Rose with a big elbow shot. Waterson with a low kick. Thirty seconds to go. Clinch, and Rose lands a Judo takedown. She's in the full mount as the horn sounds. 10-9 for Namajunas, easy.

Round two. Waterson throwing some spinning kicks. Rose counters with some flashy kicks of her own. Waterson with a side kick to Rose's ... well, side. Rose clips Waterson. ROSE HEADKICKS THE SHIT OUT OF WATERSON AND SHE GOES FLYING HALFWAY ACROSS THE CAGE. Rose is in the full mount and she is punching the living hell out of Waterson ... but somehow, she survives. Waterson getting grounded out on the mat like a cigarette butt. Rose keeps popping Waterson in the face. Rose has Waterson's back and she is looking for a rear naked choke. Blood pours out of her nose and she taps. I don't know what's more surprising - Namajuna's brutal, dominant victory tonight, or finding out that not only is she heterosexual, she's engaged to Pat Barry.

The time was 2:47 of round two. Wew, the slow-mo replay of that tide-turning kick is just nasty with a capital "n."

Alright, I'm probably going to be out for the rest of the night. I might be back with a full recap of the main event and I might not ... there's no way to tell

Yep, and a vignette about Kansas City's rich history of barbecuing is definitely my cue to bow the fuck on out of here ...  

Flyweight Championship Bout
Demetrious Johnson (25-2-1-0) vs. Wilson Reis (22-6-0)

It's Mighty Mouse's tenth consecutive title defense, which I think is a UFC record. He hasn't lost a fight since 2011 and pretty much every MMA site out there has him ranked as the best pound for pound fighter on the planet. Bellator import Wilson Reis is curently riding a three-fight winning streak in the Octagon, last seen decisioning Ulka Sasaki at UFC 208. His lost loss was almost two years ago and he hasn't been submitted or knocked out in six years.

Johnson with leg kicks early.Wilson appears to be the much larger fighter. DJ with a kick to the body. Reis with a body kick of his own. They exchange kicks to the midsection. Reis trying to chase him down, but the champ is keeping him at bay with kicks. Reis with a takedown, but DJ is right back up. Reis throwing some big punches, but practically known of them are connecting. Reis with a takedown, but Johnson immediately hops right back up and knees him a couple of times. Reis with a couple of punches in the waning seconds of the round, which D.J. - for the most part - easily blocks. A really hard round to score. Johnson had more strikes land, but Reis did get two pretty big takedowns. Your mileage may vary, but I'd give this one 10-9 to Reis. 

Round two. Clinch to begin. Reis rattles off some knees. Reis with a kick to the body. Johnson has Reis' back, but he gives it up. Reis whiffs on a flying knee and misses by a nautical mile. DJ with a body kick. DJ has his back again, but he lets go. DJ is just dodging everything Reis throws at him. DJ with a good straight right and a follow-up kick to the midsection. Swelling starting to form under Reis' eyes. Johnson with a HARD left jab. DJ with a big kick to the stomach. Reis starting to bleed, so Johnson can kill it. Johnson puts Reis down with a knee and he is hammer fisting him to fucking death, but Reis is literally saved by the bell. 19-19.

Round three. DJ keeping to his body kick strategy. Reis shoots for a takedown but Johnson sprawls. Reis' eye is closing up fast. Reis shoots for a takedown so Johnson just punches his skull about 15 times. DJ with a nasty body kick. And another kick to the midsection. Reis whiffs on a spinning back fist. DJ with a takedown. He's in side control and elbowing the shit out of Reis' ribs. Now he's elbowing him in the face hard. Johnson busts Reis wide open with elbows. Now he's just raining punches and Reis can't do shit about it. He transitions to an armbar and Reis says "fuck this" and taps.

Your winner - and STILL the only Men's Flyweight Champion the UFC has ever known - Demetrious Johnson!

Long story short, Johnson retained. Apparently, he made Reis tap via a third round armbar. Damn, Reis looks busted up.

The official time was 4:49 of round three. That's 12 consecutive wins and Johnson's tenth successful title defense. In the post-fight, Johnson said he's the best champion in UFC history. Stann asks him if he wants to move up to 135. He doesn't give a definitive answer about moving up a weight class, but he does say he wants seven figures from WME. And that, my friends, is all she wrote from K.C.

Hang in there, folks. I'll be back in the morning with full coverage of the main event and a few post-event thoughts.

Welcome to modern MMA, folks - where the most dominant champion in the sport still can't draw more than 100,000 PPV buys.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Of course, Mighty Mouse is going to have at least one more title defense at 125, if nothing else, so he can break Anderson Silva's record. If Sergio Pettis beats Henry Cejudo at UFC 211, he's pretty much a lock for the next title shot, but if Cejudo picks up the win, it looks like we're going to be getting a rematch that none of us wants - Johnson vs. Benavidez - sometime in late summer. Following her win tonight, Rose Namajunas is pretty much a lock for the next shot at the women's strawweight strap - expect her to go toe-to-toe with the winner of the Joanna Champion/Jessica Andrade bout at UFC 211 in late July or August. The Robert Whittaker win royally fucks up the Middleweight title contender fray; with Bisping vs. GSP targeted for August, why not have the Aussie tango with Yoel Romero to determine a true No. 1 contender for the 185 pound belt? 

THE VERDICT? All in all, this was a really good show and probably the best UFC on Fox card in a couple of years. The main event was pretty one-sided, but it did its job and got Mighty Mouse over as a 125-pound death machine (although we're going to have to wait until the ratings come out to see if the MMA-watching masses even give a fuck.) The co-main was an entertaining ass-kicking that likewise got Rose Namajunas over as a bona fide title contender, and good lord, did that Robert Whittaker upset ever throw a monkey wrench into the title equation in what may very well be the best division in all of MMA. Throw in a slate of undercard bouts that were more entertaining than yawn-inspiring - especially the Tim Elliot/Louis Smolka curtain jerker - and you have yourself a dark horse contender for best MMA card of 2017 so far.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: The Tim Elliot/Louis Smolka bout was a downright fantastic, WEC-style technical showcase that's becoming fewer and further in between in the UFC these days. 

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Bobby Green/Rashid Magamedov bout was about as much fun as watching slugs sleep. 

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "I am not intelligent enough to navigate the new rules," - Jon Anik being honest enough to admit even he can't figure out what's legal or illegal in MMA anymore

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

- People in Kansas City like to do bird impressions all the fucking time.

- The Russians have invaded the U.S., and they're starting by beating up our most morbidly obese cage fighters. 

-If you have the word "alligator" in your name, it's probably not a good idea to get into a fight with a dude from Australia. 

-If a fine-assed Asian karate fighter ever gets into a fight with a woman who looks like the little boy from Sling Blade, put your money on the latter.

- Yep ... speed still beats strength, every goddamn time.

Well, that's all I've got for you fuckers this week. Crank up "Eat Steak" by the Reverend Horton Heat and "Just Say No" by Latoya Jackson - no, for real - and I'll be seeing you cageside in just a few.

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