Thursday, June 29, 2017

Twitter is SO Fucked: A Case Study

Censorship isn't going to bring down the social media monolith ... but selective, agenda-driven censorship certainly will.



By: Jimbo X
@Jimbo___X

You kids might be wondering why I ain't on Twitter no more. Well, it wasn't because I was banned, it was because I chose to get rid of my account when I realized - firsthand - just how incredibly biased the platform's community standards monitoring really was.

By now, we all know Twitter - as does Facebook, as does Periscope and as does Reddit and as does seemingly every other Silicon Valley-spawned app out there - has a profound, pronounced and possibly protruding liberal bias. Several social experiments have demonstrated the enormity of Twitter's double standards, including one where posts with the exact same content - only with disparaging words about "white people" and "black people" subbed out - resulted in a ban for one account but not the other. I guess you don't need me to tell you which one, either.
How dare a black man make his own decisions! Clearly, only
Uncle Toms engage in independent thought.

It's not just that Twitter is apparently choosing to censor content they don't agree with, politically, it's that they're not even giving users a rational explanation as to why the are suspended. Unable to deem some anti-liberal utopian thoughtcrime rhetoric as explicitly homophobic, racist, transphobic, xenophobic, ableist, sexist, Islamophobic or anti-Semitic, the platform recently made Orwell roll in his grave by announcing they were going to start censoring content for being - and this is a direct quote - "low quality." Naturally, they never defined what categorically makes something "low quality," which essentially makes such content literally anything they don't like.

Even worse, the Twitter algorithms are highly susceptible to what could be called the Internet equivalent of "the wild beast of populism." The more people who flag a specific comment, the more likely said comment is going to be deemed "offensive," regardless of the content. Therefore, all that's really needed to get something off Twitter is enough people chiming in at the same time saying they don't like what somebody has posted. I'll show you a primo example of this - and in many ways, the herd dynamic of today's keyboard warrior liberals - in just a bit.

But even the platform's censorship protocols are set up to benefit liberal tweeters and put conservative tweeters at a disadvantage. Thus, a high-profile liberal user like Leslie Jones can literally tell someone to "kill themselves" online and face no recourse while a conservator commentator like Kassy Dillon had her account locked for literally posting Jones' aforementioned tweet verbatim

That's why Twitter can mass-suspend a litany of alleged "alt-right" users just out of principle while doing absolutely fucking nothing while a Hispanic Trump supporter receives death threats and none of her online abusers get flagged.  

Twitter's news feed is obviously meant to agenda-set for the liberal/globalist/multiculturalist cause like a motherfucker. For all the incessant chatter we've heard about the deleterious effects of "fake news" on discursive democracy, funny how the media hasn't - and perhaps never will - embark upon a jihad against the socially corrosive effects of promoting op-eds as if they were impartial news.

There's this thing called "agenda-setting," and if you haven't heard about it by now, it more or less explains - in full - why "journalism" today is so shitty. What's trending on Twitter isn't decided organically (meaning, based on an objective aggregation of the things the most users are discussing.) Indeed, there are people working for Twitter whose very jobs is to select what's going on in the world that is noteworthy enough for its users to discuss. And - needless to say - what Twitter wants you to think and talk about can hardly be considered neutral.



Here's a snapshot of the top Twitter "moments" mid-day on June 9, 2017. These are the things the agenda-setters at Twitter think its users ought to be discussing:
  • Some Nickelodeon wash-up claims she's off drugs and wants to start acting again. 
  • The conservatives in the U.K. lost a lot of seats in the latest election.
  • Some actress you've never heard of is dead.
  • You can watch golf LIVE (which is about as much fun as watching golf DEAD, I can firmly attest)
  • The Olympics is getting 3-3 basketball in 2020.
  • J.K Rowling sounds off on sexism, misogyny and rape culture (more on this in just a bit)
  • There's a trailer coming for Black Panther 
  • Bradley Manning in Taylor Swift red lipstick has an interracial, homosexual mancrush on ex-Presidente Barack H. Obama. 
Now, do you kids notice anything out of the norm there? That's the site's top 8 stories, yet they all revolve around black male entertainers or white women (plus a white dude that thinks he's a woman, which I guess sorta' kinda' counts.) Now, hold on to that thought, as we explore a couple of other world events that happened during that same 24-hour-news-cycle.
Now, why oh why, does the Twitter non-algorithm want its users to talk about Black Panther and J.K. Rowling's opinions instead of hard news stories about women terrorists, government health care regulations and defensive gun use homicides? Surely, it can't be the fact that young, white women and young black men are the most active users on Twitter, and that the platform's agenda-setters are intentionally showcasing content that appeals to the notoriously liberal, notoriously misandrist and notoriously leukophobic personal biases of its two biggest user bases, right? Right?

Gimme a break. Twitter, by design, isn't meant to be a virtual forum of free debate and exchanging of ideas. It's trending mechanics are built to perpetuate and promote tweets that garner high support and clickthroughs from its bread and butter user demographics. In short, Tweeter is literally engineered to be an echo chamber, one in which the popular ideas and prevailing opinions of its most active users more or less dictate the site's content. Thus, all the usual stuff about "muh racism," "muh patriarchy," "muh rape cultue," "muh cops killing black people" and "muh Fuck Donald Trump" always trend towards to the top of Twitter's feed, while the comments giving the standard American liberal party line always get the most shares and retweets. 

Yep: saying people deserve to die because of
their skin color is the exact opposite of
"racism."
Now, it would be one thing to have a social media platform that's engineered to heavily favor the typical liberal musings of your dime a dozen 25-year-old black dude or 18-year-old white girl, but it's a totally different thing to ACTIVELY campaign to penalize users who a.) are outside those demographical groups and b.) dare question, and perhaps even challenge, the values and perspectives held dear by Twitter's dueling white girl/black male monarchy.

That's why a whole bunch of supposed "alt-righters" can have their accounts gassed for literally nothing while a user like Leslie Jones can literally dox another user and COMMAND her followers to attack her in real life and not even receive a slap on the wrist from Twitter's higher command. Perhaps it's more for economic reasons than ideological ones (although, to be perfectly honest, I wouldn't be surprised if it was a combination of both), but Twitter doesn't want people using its platform whose opinions or comments could potentially cost it users from its precious white girl/black male-industrial-complex. Of course, they'll cloak it with some smug, self-celebratory claptrap about "hate speech" and "misogyny," but at the end of the day, Twitter is still a business. And if what Twitter's most frequent users want is an anti-white, anti-right apartheid state, by golly, old boy Jack's gonna' do his best to give his "best costumers" exactly what they want.

And if you don't follow the primary user orthodoxy, it's only a matter of time until the powers that be find SOME convenient excuse to lock your account.

A few weeks ago, I tried to log into Twitter only to find a note saying my account was locked for ... something. I had to wait 24 hours to log in, and even then they would ONLY let me access my account if I put in personal information. Regardless of the reason for my suspension, right then and there I knew I was done with this shit. In today's cyber-whorehouse of a culture, there ain't now way I'm letting any platform know my phone number and track my whereabouts. Indeed, so much has been written about the dangers of giving social media sites your personal data that I feel it's one of those things that goes without warning, like having to tell somebody to not stick their dicks in a campfire. But still, I was curious: what was it that *I* posted that was so shocking, outrageous and socially corrosive as to warrant my banning from the platform?

Well kids, feast your eyes:

Sorry, but deleting a tweet still doesn't make that guy's mom any less of a ho.

Apparently, some broad didn't like me talking shit about the new Wonder Woman movie, so naturally, that drew the wannabe white knights who would never have a shot of fucking her (despite the fact she's barely a 3 ... photos provided shortly) out of the woodworks to defend her honor. Naturally, this led to a game of the dozens, which apparently, more than a few people found distasteful (more on this, and it's important.) 

So imagine my surprise when I found this little message when I momentarily unlocked my account:

Much like the dreaded "n-word," apparently it's OK to use the "c-word" just as long as you are one.

Hmm, that's odd. As offensive as the term "slut" may be, I've always assumed the term "cunt" was even more offensive. And although my "offensive" post contained no directly aggressive messages, this one profane rebuttal certainly was meant to be taken as an unmistakable user-to-user personal attack. Interestingly, getting in someone's face in real life and calling them "a cuntmuffin" and asking them to kindly "fuck off" would almost certainly constitute a form of assault, whereas delicately declaring that other people consider one's mother an easy lay is simply reiterating a factual statement. Objectively, this VampVixxenX broad's statement is far more abrasive, far more caustic and far more objectionable than my initial statement. My comment was FCC-acceptable, whereas her same statement uttered over public airwaves would constitute a federal fine

The difference is, she had a whole hell of a lot of white knights and sycophants liking her comment while those same white knights and sycophants were reporting me for my comment. Since Twitter's judge of character bots rely more on sheer aggrieved numbers than actual message context, perhaps I shouldn't be surprised my post got flagged. And I really shouldn't have been surprised that when a couple of white female users used the very same "disparaging term" I used in their tweets, they didn't get their accounts locked ... indeed, they got nothing but affirmation from the Twitter hoi polli.

How dare you use the word "slut!" Don't you know impressionable children are on our site, watching uncensored foot fetish pornography!

That alone proves Twitter's moral watchdogs don't rely upon content-neutral censoring policies. If that's the case, all content with the word "slut" would get the ban-hammer, especially the hardcore interracial porn spam. Alas, per Twitter's guardians of taste, some guy saying "LOL, your mom is a slut" is somehow intolerable while black-on-white foot-fucking that describes an actresses as a "fantastic blonde slut" is A-OK for mass consumption.

But just you wait, apparently that wasn't the only thing I said that was SO OFFENSIVE that Twitter decided I needed to sit in virtual timeout. By golly, the masses were outraged by this following provocation, too:

Actually, I'd like to apologize to actual retards for even mentioning them in the same context as liberals.

Again, this can hardly be considered an "aggressive" or personally-directed tweet. I simply made a declarative statement that suggested individuals who engage in one activity are worse than another population. You learn that shit in high school - it's called compare and contrast

Granted, the tweet does include the word "retarded," but nowhere in said tweet do I ever give a value score to people who are actually retarded. Indeed, the very definition of the word "retarded" revolves around individual understanding and awareness, so in this context I was actually criticizing the cognitive capabilities of non-retarded people who think emojis constitute actual arguments. The "target" of my comment wasn't retarded people - in fact, the context of the comment actually posited the mentally retarded as superior thinkers compared to the comment's direct target. Furthermore, I never said WHAT emoji users were actually worse than retarded people AT. Skiing? Crossword puzzles? Being able to hold an Etch-a-Sketch perfectly still? If this is a "discriminatory" or "prejudiced" tweet, it's one that's suspiciously devoid of either discrimination or prejudice. So just out of curiosity, I decided to type "retarded" into Twitter, and lo and behold, take a good gander at the first response:

LOL, it's funny because he's the same color as peanut butter, I think.

Well, hell. When *I* make a comment that declares mentally retarded people BETTER thinkers than the aggregate Twitter user, I get slammed for teh hate speech. But when BLACK COMEDY TWITTER MAN © uses it as direct insult to the mentally retarded ... complete with a crude, FCC-punishable slang reference to the female anatomy ... is his account locked? Nope, he gets 103,000 likes and almost 60,000 retweets. So what's the difference between what I said and what BLACK COMEDY TWITTER MAN © said? Objectively, his comment is far more prejudiced and insensitive, but since he has so many followers (henceforth referred to by what they really are, sycophants) the Twitter algorithms raise the bar on what constitutes "offensive expression" and keeps his account safe and sound. And since you don't have a horde of white knights rushing in to report his account - what, do you honestly expect white liberals to deprive a BLACK MAN of his constitutionally guaranteed free speech? Why, that's inconceivable! - Twitter doesn't force him to manually scrub it from his feed. Meanwhile, I'm literally forced to take down my comments to even get to the screen where I can physically delete my account. Just think about that for a minute - Twitter actually holds the account hostage until the user physically erases the content their "algorithms" find objectionable. But why? Well, it's pretty much because of the following:

But seriously, that dude's GF is so ugly, Bill Cosby would have to drug himself before taking advantage of her.

If you ever wanted insight into the liberal hive mind, this might as well be the picture next to the dictionary entry. It's kind of ironic - yet mostly sad, seeing as how the thought surely never crossed any of their minds - that they deemed *me* the bully when there were about 30 of these sycophantic social justice warriors swarming my lone account. You see, these Twitter liberals thrive on a mob mentality. They're emotionally fragile pack animals to the core, completely and totally unable to function without a small armada of like-minded sycophants affirming their every utterance. As collectivist/parasitic organisms, they leech off each other's avowals and - because the aforementioned Twitter "algorithm" does such a bang-up job of keeping contrarian views from popping up on the radars of the platform's "sweet spot" users - they almost never encounter criticism instead of comfort, they almost never have their views challenged instead of celebrated and they almost never have their egos bruised instead of inflated. So fearful of even the slightest resistance to their overarching liberal Tao - which explains why they deem anything they don't like as rancorous "hate speech" that's too dangerous to be circulated around the Internet's digital membranes - that they feel the tribal, collectivist need to not just attack counter-ideologies, but destroy them. These ugly-ass, pasty-skinned limp-wristed, hyper-white, pug-faced, multi-bellied, pissed-off Clinton voters are unquestionably the most insecure people on the planet, perpetually unsure of not only the veracity of their political ideals, but their basic value as members of the human race. They clump together like overweight, emotionally fragile Corn Flakes and just mire in their liberal whiteness, because it's the only thing - I repeat, the only thing - that gives them any kind of identity whatsoever. Without the great identity politics Tao, they're just a bunch of chunky, balding, unathletic, unintimidating and just plain uninteresting people sans any remarkable traits, characteristics or especially thoughts.

Apparently, these people felt the need to barrage my locked account for two days afterward with what they thought were disparaging remarks. But you see, that's the thing these people will never understand - as an in individual, non-liberal, non-SJW non-pussy, I don't give a fuck what complete strangers think about me. The opposite of love ain't hate, you know. Hate means there is still something stirring within you, that makes you afraid, that makes you feel threatened, that makes you feel disempowered, and ESPECIALLY makes you feel like *you* might be the one in the wrong so you have to keep fighting a battle to simply save face and assuage your frazzled widdle ego. I don't hate any of these Twitter users because I don't care about them. I give their opinions no value, merit, or credence, and don't see them as an existential or philosophical threat to my well-being. I know what they believe is stupid and wrongheaded, and the joy for me is watching 'em try to convince themselves their prima facie bullshit is legit. They're all the same to me - a bunch of harmless idiots who I am certain will do more longtime damage to themselves than I ever could in a million years. 

Twitter: where hatred is A-OK, just as long as
you're hating on the right kind of people.
But the Twitter liberals don't have the same feelings about monkey cage rattlers like me. I don't give a shit about them, but they wallow in their resentment of me and my ilk like obsessed ex-girlfriends. Their egos are so fragile and so self-deified that the moment their ideals are questioned, condemned or mocked, they go fucking nutso. Rather than use logic or reasoning or facts to prove themselves superior, they employ the old numbers game approach to smother dissent. Surely, if we have 40 of our hive-minded idealists type curse words and post memes directed at this *one* user, that will demonstrate the righteousness of our convictions, right? Folks, let me tell you one thing - if it takes 40 people to snub out just one other person, there's a pretty strong chance the guy fighting the battle hisself ain't the one that's suffering from inadequacy issues.

On the Twitter-sphere, Afro-centric, feminist-centric and especially liberal-centric ideology reigns supreme. Just take a look at Twitter's June 15th front page - one that's glutted with stories about Beyonce, DeMario Jackson, Rihanna, RuPaul and Kylie Jenner's lipgloss. The lone "hard news" item listed isn't an update on the June 14th mass shooting perpetrated by a Trump hating Bernie Bro, but rather a suspicious "poll" conducted by the left-leaning propaganda distributor The Hill suggesting a majority of Americans don't think the President "respects" the country's institutions. And if you think all of that is just "coincidence," I've got a bridge in London I'd just love to sell 'ya. 

But people are getting sick of this shit, even centrist Democrats (you know, the ones in Michigan and Wisconsin who turned their back on Hillary and voted for The Donald instead ... i.e., what really cost the Dems the election instead of all that "Russian hacker" hubbub.) All the classical F.D.R. and J.F.K. liberals are souring on new-wave leftism, and when they see Huffington Post writers tweet about the "righteousness" of shooting conservative politicians, all it does is make them question their allegiance to the liberal cause they thought they knew. The identity politics-obsessed variety pack of Black Lives Matter extremists and LGBT grievance hustlers and psychotic feminists and open-borders dope smokers known as the "Democratic Party" isn't what they signed up for, and all it takes is a few minutes thrust into Twitter's liberal echo chamber - one where death threats against the political other are par for the course - to get them to reconsider their ideological alignment. 

And Twitter's bottom line shows the platform's bread and butter - pissed off, hyper liberal women, black males and their white knight enablers - are costing it a ton of money. Twitter may have gained two million new customers last year, but it also lost nearly half a billion dollars in declining ad revenue and had to lay off almost one-tenth of its employees. Advertisers and emerging businesses aren't going to invest money in a platform literally built around ceaseless, partisan hatred and they sure as hell aren't going to invest money in a platform whose primary user audience isn't going to buy their products. The Twitter circle jerk is just an Internet abyss for progressivist types to spew their anti-right rancor - and there's simply no way for any company to commodify that.

Alternative social media sites like Voat and Gab.ai may never reach the numbers acquired by Twitter or Reddit, but at least they're trying to do something different. Granted, such sites may be nothing more than refuges for right-of-center users irked by the nonstop bombardment of leftist propaganda on the big brand platforms, but tomorrow's culture is always dictated by yesterday's counterculture. Right now, Twitter, Reddit, Facebook and their unabashedly liberal agenda points are undoubtedly the "mainstream" perspective, and one that is shoved down our throats at every possible opportunity. The generation growing up right now sees that as the boring old zeitgeist, the new machine to rage against. Report after report predicts Gen Z will usher in a new age of conservatism, and that's thanks in no small part to the perpetual media indoctrination of sites like Twitter that they encounter every single day.

If Twitter had done something to make the platform more ideologically diverse, there's a chance it could have made itself self-sustaining for another decade or so. Alas, the kids of tomorrow see the old guard of social media as painfully uncool, and that pronounced liberal bias is utterly inseparable from the rest of the package. Pepe the Frog is the new "anarchy" sign, the contemporary symbol of "fuck everything popular and conventional." These Gen Z kids have grown up in a web of liberal hyperbole and insanity, and the new right offers them the only kind of idiosyncratic cultural currency on the Internet. They view the relentless multiculturalist, "fuck Donald Trump, everybody smoke weed and get gay married" social media milieu as chintzy, lame and emblematic of everything wrong with the adult order. In a world where hyper-liberal P.C. dogma is the guiding cultural diktat, of course they're going to want to rebel and celebrate their cultural climate's chief Tao's ideological opposite. Traditional, patriarchal values created the free-love movement of the sixties and the Moral Majority movement of the '80s gave us the one-two fistfuck of punk rock and heavy metal culture. Every major youth movement is a defiant reactionary statement to the most oppressive and thin-skinned bullies of the day, and - as evident by the hotbed of liberal nuttery on Twitter - progressivists today represent the epitome of uncool

If you're part of a major media organelle an you're hellbent on dominating the cultural dialogue (even if it means censoring the shit out of communications,) it's only a matter of time until something comes along to torpedo your enterprise. The awe-inspiring amount of progressivist rancor on social media will eventually hit critical mass, and when it does, it's going to take the message's primary cultural drivers down, too. The Twitter-sphere can only handle so much one-dimensional liberal antipathy before its virtual support beams start buckling - and as the media itself implodes, so does the message that, for a time at least, sustained it. 

Twitter's days are numbered, folks. And with it, so is the cultural reign of the leftist hatred that made it a cultural pillar to begin with.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

Wonder Woman ISN'T Empowering, You Dumb Broads

If you think a movie based on a comic written by a polygamist bondage fetish is a blow for gender equality, you DESERVE that 77 cents to every dollar a man makes.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

For a moment
, just think how absurd it is for someone - ANYBODY - to take pride in a make-believe person. How bereft of living, breathing role models are you to vaunt a fantasy figure as some sort of exemplary pillar of whatever you think you represent? If anything, the celebration of non-existent, fictitious people ought to be your first clue that something ain't right with the identity politics group you associate with; even grade-schoolers can recognize such behavior as patently absurd and wrongheaded.

Which is why I just can't wrap my head around why so many "feminists" consider this new Wonder Woman movie to be such a huge blow for gender equality. Sure, the movie made $100 million its opening weekend, but due to inflated ticket costs and IMAX and 3D surcharge revenue, practically every mainstream Hollywood offering these days is guaranteed to reap the same amount of dough (for those of you in pursuit of the proof in the pudding, look no further than Split and its $276 million global gross.) And - as expected - Wonder Woman's second week box office dropoff was substantial, with the movie generating barely half it's opening weekend take. By week three, the film's domestic box office take was roughly a third its bombastic opening weekend gross - rather fittingly, that same week it was dethroned from the top of the B.O. by Cars 3, a film almost wholeheartedly anchored around the juvenile male fascination with machinery.

Still, the movie has posted formidable financial numbers. Three weeks in the film's total global gross is north of $500 million, although the movie's domestic take puts it well behind the heaps of cash generated by more male-centric superhero films such as Deadpool, Batman v. Superman and the Iron Man trilogy. When the abacuses are finally adjusted, it appears Wonder Woman will have made about two-thirds what Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 made, yet only half what the latest Fast and Furious movie grossed. So yes, while Wonder Woman is - for the most part - a relative economic success, it's not like it's an aberration to see a big-budget, Hollywood offering anchored around a heroic female lead making exorbitant sums of money. The Hunger Games movies have grossed well over $1 billion, while the two most recent Star Wars films - both of which had "heroic female leads" - have combined for a global gross of nearly $1.5 billion. And of course, that discounts the pioneering work of Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2, Angelina Jolie in The Tomb Raider films and Sigourney Weaver in the Alien franchise - that last one, a film that came out almost 40 years before this newfangled Wonder Woman allegedly shattered the cineplex gender barrier.

Still, the progressivist blog-o-sphere has convinced themselves that this Wonder Woman redux indeed represents some sort of poignant "female empowerment" milestone. The Guardian, for example, hailed the new film as "a masterpiece of subversive feminism." One HuffPo columnist wrote at length about how she found the film's intrinsic "fatherlessness" delightful. And at Bustle, columnist Kelsea Stahler wrote about how the film's fight scenes - essentially, the same old "Apocalypse Porn" CGI overkill we've been seeing at the multiplex for the last 20 years - literally moved her to tears because, this time, all of the wanton, consequence-less violence was being wrought by a fantasy character with a vagina instead of a penis. Interestingly, the same author described Wonder Woman as the first major female superhero film - which would be true, had films like Barb Wire and Tank Girl not been made 25 years ago (and for the record, Wonder Woman isn't even the first major D.C. super-heroine to get her own feature film - lest we forget, 2004's abysmal Catwoman and 1984's downright turgid Supergirl.) 

Rather than take these overly-emotional, hyperbolic displays of identity-politics-informed immaturity as signs of XX arrested development - lord knows, that's what the other would be saying about men who wept during The Avengers - the mass media machinery has latched onto the rebooted Wonder Woman as a genuine, "turning point" for gender equality in entertainment history. Much has been made about director Patty Jenkins - whose last movie sought to portray a psychotic murderess as a "victim" of our cruel, cruel patriarchal society - breaking the so-called "celluloid ceiling," but such is pure nonsense. Female directors like Jennifer Lee (Frozen), Vicky Jensen (Shrek), Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight) and Sam Taylor-Johnson (Fifty Shades of Grey) have already made bajillions of dollars at the box office, while Kathryn Bigelow has already taken home a Best Director Oscar (which, in one of the greatest cosmological coincidences of all-time, was in direct competition against her ex-husband.) Furthermore, Nora Ephron, Penny Marshall and Penelope Spheeris have been making financially successful, big-time Hollywood productions since the 1980s; indeed, women have been making quite the pretty penny directing big-budget opuses ever since the heyday of Leni Riefenstahl in the 1930s.

The feminist jubilee also strangely overlooks the fact the script was written by a gay man, based on story by two other men - all of whom, incidentally, just so happen to be Jewish. Or the fact all but one of the movie producers is female, or especially the fact the company that made the movie, Warner Bros., is a C-level sausage fest. Lost on all these whack-a-doodle feminist moonbeams is the inescapable reality that virtually all of the money they paid to see the movie will wind up in the coffers for rich as fuck Hebrew and Asian men. Ironically, by financially supporting the Hollywood Industrial Complex, all these Wonder Woman-loving women are doing nothing but making the virtually-all-male film industry executive brass even wealthier.

Along those same lines, none of these ever-so-chipper fangirls dare dwell the notion that Wonder Woman brazenly appropriates and rewrites patriarchal Greek mythology and actually demeans the millions of men who died in the trenches of World War I by attributing final victory to a super-powered Amazon. During the film's climax, it became clear why the film wasn't set during World War II - after all, revealing Hitler to be the literal, supernatural embodiment of toxic masculinity probably wouldn't have gone over too well with those of the Jewish persuasion (and more on that interesting little angle in just a bit, readers.) 

During the waning moments of the film, I felt sorry for all of the female lib types praising the movie. It became apparent that these flashy, computer generated acts of mock heroism is all they and their-alike ovaried kin can celebrate. After all, they weren't out there with machine guns traipsing over landmine strewn fields in Danzig, and they most certainly weren't chasing down Japanese war criminals in the Philippines. As men, we can take great gender pride in the valor and bravery of Sgt. York, Audie Murphy and Jack Churchill; yet while we can look up to Dwight Eisenhower and George Patton as patriarchal heroes, women have no battlefield greats to call their own. There is no female equivalent to Bhanbhagta Gurung or Tommy MacPherson - real life individuals whose bravery, selflessness and audacity in the conflagration of war serve as eternal testaments to the willpower and grit of the species. While our grandfathers and great grandfathers were fighting Hitler and Hirohito's war machine, our grandmothers and great grandmothers were left stateside canning tomatoes and maybe putting together spare car parts. World War II - the greatest drama in the history of mankind, bar none - is littered with courageous, valiant and noble male heroes, while the best feminine icon that can be culled from the epoch is Rosie the Riveter - yet another fictitious character supposedly embodying the power of womanhood. In that, to interject a gigantic sword swinging mega-woman into the middle of World War I as the savior of the West might just be the greatest example of contemporary feminists' profound penis envy we could ever hope for. 

Of course, one must wonder if this Wonder Woman truly is a symbol of women's empowerment, seeing as how the character was created by ... gasp ... somebody with a penis. But it's not just that Wonder Woman was created by a man, it's the fact the character was created by a man with a bizarre bondage fetish who admitted his creation was meant to be some sort of perverted dominatrix fantasy instead of a bona-fide female role model. Creator William Marston - a polygamist who said he was inspired to create the iconic character after watching sorority hazing rituals - NEVER set out to make Wonder Woman a valiant, patriotic figure a'la Superman or Captain America. Instead, he just wanted to get his jollies by repeatedly subduing his idealized female form. "The secret of a woman's allure (is that) women enjoy submission, being bound," he stated in one interview. Well, so much for that feminist narrative, eh?

Thankfully, there are still a couple of decent gals out there who haven't had their brains turned to mush by all that incessant third-wave feminist claptrap. Writing for The National Review, Heather Wilhelm succinctly sums up the inherent absurdity of the identity-politicization of the character: 

"Much of the hullabaloo, however, comes from the assertion that 'Wonder Woman' will empower women and encourage the positive 'representation' of women that is supposedly so rare in Hollywood. It achieves this representation, apparently, by featuring a gorgeous woman clad in metal lingerie who effortlessly deflects bullets with her bracelets and eventually upends a giant tank. This, we are to assume, will immediately inspire millions of little girls across America to rush home and launch their own neighborhood STEM-research teams."

Continuing, she notes how the syrupy response from "feminist" film-goers only serves to reinforce the old tropes about feminine weakness.

"For everyone's sake, avoid buying into the idea that women are fragile creatures who need a thousand different obsessive gender-based affirmations just to make it through life. Despite the anxiety-laden chorus of modern feminism, they aren't, and they don't."

Rather fittingly, however, the cannibal cult of intersectional feminism might just be looking to put a damper on the Wonder Woman love-in. Even before the movie came out, the United Nations was pressured to stop using the character as an honorary ambassador of women's rights because - surprise! - she's just too damn white for some people's liking.

And then there's that old Jewish question. As it turns out, the latest incarnation of Wonder Woman is played by one of God's Chosen People, and if you think that's sitting well with the Muslim populace, think again, muchacho. 

Enter Al Jazeera's Susab Abulhawa, whose Palestinian roots give her permission to criticize Jews without everything that comes out of her mouth begin automatically declared "anti-Semitism." In an especially abrasive screed, she more or less declared Wonder Woman to be a miniature war crime because the bitch under the tiara, Gal Gadot, was a member of the Israeli army in 2006. Let's let Abulhawa herself take it from here, why don't we?

"Discussions of feminism around this film have sidelined this crucial fact about her. They've omitted the actor's cheering of wanton killing, which took the lives of 547 children in less than two months. Instead, the focus is on her impossible physical proportions. This is just another way that the destruction of our society is normalized."

Well day-umm, and here I was thinking the only acceptable political undercurrent for the new Wonder Woman flick was "fuck men!" But no, Abulhawa ain't quite finished yet ...

"Make no mistake. Zionism cannot reconcile with feminism, and such antiquated imperial feminism belongs to another era, when feminists fought for the right to vote, but only for white women."

Of course, that's a flat out lie seeing as how the ratification of the 19th Amendment allowed women of all colors to participate in the electoral tradition, but FACTS are just a part of the evil, white, Jewish patriarchal war machine, you TOOL! To finish off her spiel, Abulhawa qyotes Jaime Omar Yassin, a member of the Occupy Oakland organization:

"Feminism cannot be Zionist, just as it cannot be neo-Nazi - feminism that doesn't have an understanding of how it intersects with racial and ethnic oppression is simply a diversification of white supremacy."

Well, there you have it ladies. If you think Wonder Woman is empowering, you're actually supporting white oppression and Islamophobia. And you fine, outstanding women wouldn't want to be doing that, now, would you?

Of course you wouldn't, you thoughtful, little multiculturalists, you. Of course you wouldn't.

Friday, June 23, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of Bellator NYC: Sonnen vs. Silva!

Can't afford the PPV, or your desktop too damn slow to stream the card online? No worries, homey - our LIVE(ish) coverage while keep you in the loop ALL night long. 


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@JimboX

You know, this actually isn't the first Bellator PPV - they tried doing this "give us money to watch people who haven't been relevant for at least five years" shtick  in May 2014, which - very, very suspiciously - drew upwards of 100,000 buys despite being headlined by a way past his prime Rampage Jackson and a never-even-had-a-prime King Mo.

With the UFC busting the gates of MSG wide open last November, Bellator pulled out all the stops to make their sophomore PPV event the grandest imaginable. And by "grandest," I mean "the most fuckin' ridiculous thing you've ever seen anybody do in their life." With all of the hot up-and-coming talent in the promotion, what did Scott Coker book as their top-billed bout in NYC? That's right - they're putting a guy who hasn't fought in four years in the cage against a dude who probably took a dive in his last match and asking Joe and Susie Q. Public to shell out $50 a set to see it. And if THAT wasn't enough to get you to fork over your wallet, they even had the foresight to book 40-year-old FEDOR EMELIANENKO against a dude whose highest profile win has come against Gabriel goddamn Gonzaga. If nothing else, you have to admire the sheer balls of that kinda' booking - with glorified freak shows like this, Bellator isn't even trying to establish themselves as serious competitor to the UFC, and in a weird way, I think that's actually for the best

Of course, we do have some real fights on the docket tonight, including no less than three championship bouts - the best looking one, of course, relegated to the free Spike TV preshow, because fuck it, that's just how they do things at Bellator. Granted, this may not be a contender for card-of-the-year, but with so much way out there tomfoolery on the line-up, there's really no way you can avert your eyes from the practically guaranteed trainwreck.

As always, we here at The Internet Is In America will be offering you LIVE(ish) play-by-play commentary for the whole PPV affair, which is plum peachy for those of you who can't afford to order the PPV legally or stream it illegally through some dude in England's site. We'll start doing updates at 10 p.m., Eastern time, with instant hit-by-hit, kick-by-kick and choke-by-choke coverage coming at you in-between every round. So what are you waiting for? Go on ahead and bookmark this shit for Saturday night, and keep hitting that refresh button, will you? And lastly, be sure to tell your fightin' friends about our free community service - it helps pay the bills around these parts, y'know...

Alright, we are calling this hootenanny LIVE from MSG in NYC. Calling the action from the crow's nest is MIKE GOLDBERG, Josh Thompson and THE Brendan Schaub, while MAURO RANALLO and Jimmy Smith call it live cageside. LOL at Ranallo saying Lorenz Larkin has "sleeping aides" for a right hand. Hey, I thought that was Bill Cosby's line!

Nope ... doesn't remind me of anything at all.

We've got a lengthy video package for the Douglas Lima/Lorenz Larkin title bout. Eh, it's nothing special.

Larkin comes out to "Something in the Air Tonight" by Phil Collins. Shit, what an original pick for a walkout song. Also, somebody is doing the old Tatanka whooping cry in the audience and it's annoying as all fuck. Lima comes out to some techno hip-hop song I've never heard before. But it sounds like it would be right at home in a car commercial circa 2009, though. The in-ring announcer is some guy named Michael C. Williams, who's like a poor man's version of Michael Buffer, who himself is just a poor man's Bruce Buffer.

Bellator Welterweight Championship Bout
Lorenz Larkin (18-5-0-0) vs. Douglas Lima (28-6-0-0)

Longtime Bellator staple Douglas Lima reclaimed the company's 170-pound strap last November when he bested Andrey Koreshkov in Israel (and no, Bellator, regrettably, didn't call the event "Hebrewin' Up Trouble," like they should have.) Meanwhile, challenger Lorenz Larkin - a guy who, since 2011, served as a midcarder in Strikeforce and the UFC - was last seen elbowing Neil Magny half to death a year ago. Since it's a championship bout, this one is scheduled for five rounds ... which, considering these two guys' less than explosive styles ... might just be the longest 25 minutes of all our respective lives.

Big John McCarthy is the ref. Interestingly, Lima is a Brazilian who is billed as fighting out of Atlanta, Ga. Mauro says both men are capable of "stealing souls" with their gloves. Shit, I hope that's just a metaphor, or else we're in store for some spooky Shang Tsung shit tonight. Larkin has random shapes shaved into his skull. Well, three minutes in, we've got nothing but leg kicks going on. No, I'm not kidding, that's literally all that's happened so far tonight. Larkin with a one-two, but all he hits is air. Lima hits a hard thigh kick. Lima with an uppercut to close out the round.

Round two. Rory MacDonald is in the crowd. Ranallo - who I didn't know was Canadian until right now - said he thinks he should nickname himself "the Canadian Psycho." Larkin with a combo. Larkin with another combo but Lima blocks all the shots except for the midsection kick at the end. Lima with a straight jab. Larkin staggers him. LIMA DROPS HIM AND MAKES HIM EAT A MILLION BILLION ELBOWS. Lima in the closed guard. Larkin manages to get back to his feet. Larkin with a jumping knee that doesn't really do anything. Larkin misses on a huge uppercut. Definitely a 10-9 round for the defending champ (that's Lima, by the way.)

Round three. For those of you wondering, the cage is plastered with product placement for Miller Light, KFC and the new Planet of the Apes movie. Lima misses on a kick and actually knocks the shit out of one of the cage pads. Lima connects on a low kick. Larkin misses a punch by a mile. There isn't shit happening so the announcers keep talking about the next match on the card. A minute left. Lima with a gut punch. Larking throws a bajillion combos, but he doesn't hit a damn thing. Eh, I've got it 30-27 right now for Lima.

Round four. Matt Mitrione walked into the arena wearing a Batman shirt, while Fedor looks pretty much the same as he did in 2003. Other ads on the mat? Product placement for Dave and Buster's, the Marines and some kind of liquor I think is called Blackheart. Oh shit, there's one for Monster, too - can't forget, you can't have an MMA promotion without some kind of energy drink sponsorship. Ranallo says Larkin needs to "pump up the volume." Some guy on Twitter says this is "an awesome fight," so we know there's at least one person out there watching the PPV while high on crystal meth. OK, four minutes in and all these fuckers have done is thrown punches at the wind. Larkin tries to close the gap and Lima kicks him in the stomach. Lima gets a leg trip and he hops in the open guard. Both men up and doing absolutely nothing while dry humping against the cage. Begrudgingly, I'd give the round to Lima.

Round five. Sweet fuck, Rory MacDonald is going to ass impregnate whoever wins this fight. Tito Ortiz and Randy Couture are in the crowd, and considering how much Bellator likes them some UFC wash-ups, I'm actually shocked neither one of them were booked for tonight's event. Smith says Lima is more effective but Larkin is busier. The Compustrike stats say both of these guys are batting less than 30 percent with connected punches in this bout. A brief "Let's go Larkin" chant breaks out. Wait, since when did American Top Team have a gym in Atlanta? OK, three minutes in, and ain't doo-doo going on. Larkin with a couple of high kicks, but they don't connect. Ninety seconds left. The two exchange leg kicks. Lima with a high kick to the shoulder. Thirty seconds left. Nobody does anything so the commentators just talk about how much Jimmy Smith looks like Joe Rogan instead.

I think Larkin may have won the last round, but I use the term "won" very, very loosely. Let's go to the judges, why don't we? It's 50-45 and two 48-47s for Douglas Lima.

In the post-fight, Lima wears a tee shirt that says "fight for your right to vape" and thanks Jesus. He says he ain't afraid of Rory MacDonald and the camera pans to him and he looks uninterested as fuck and it is glorious.

With such luminaries as Michael Page and Brennan Ward, Goldberg says Bellator's welterweight fray is among the best in all of MVP. Goddamn, I have no words for that. Meanwhile, MacDonald says he thought the last fight sucked (finally, somebody who speaks the truth) and he's gonna' beat Douglas Lima like a conga drum. And here's a hard sell for the Aug. 25 show, which takes place in some Indian casino in the Catskills.

We get a video package for Aaron Pico, who literally dropped out of high school to become a fighter. Well, it's about time we had a fighter today's wayward youths could look up to. Freeman comes out wearing his pants up to his he-titties and is accompanied by literal stock audio that sounds like something you'd hear on the Weather Channel. Also, he has the worst white person cornrows you've ever seen in your life, and that's saying something. Pico comes out to "Kashmir" by Led Zeppelin. He's just 20 years-old, but he already has BJ Penn-level cauliflowered ears.

This is what losing million and millions of dollars looks like.

Lightweight Bout
Zach Freeman (8-2-0-0) vs. Aaron Pico (0-0-0-0)

Freeman is a 33-year-old fighter making his Bellator debut this evening. Nicknamed "The Altar Boy," the St. Charles, Missouri has tooled around in various no-name promotions since 2011. His opponent, however, isn't just making his company debut - he's making his first appearance in any kind of MMA competition. Bellator signed Aaron Pico when he was barely 18-years-old and have waited a good three years before unleashing him on the waiting world. Despite not even having an amateur MMA contest under his belt, Pico nonetheless has quite the combat sports pedigree, having won a litany of junior national and international championships in wrestling, boxing and pankration. So yeah, Bellator is betting a lot on this Pico kid becoming a huge, Conor McGregor/Ronda Rousery-esque phenom - and by golly, I reckon that Freeman chap would just love to rain all over their parade, wouldn't he?

The ref is Rob Hinds. Holy shit, Freeman just popped Pico with an uppercut once, locked him in a D'arce choke and he fucking TAPS.

The official time is just 24 seconds. In the post-fight Freeman says some shit about the power of belief and declares he wants to fight everybody in the 155-pound division. Remember kids: STAY IN FUCKING SCHOOL.

In the crow's nest, Thompson and Schaub try to salvage what's left of the Pico hype train. Naturally, they say he'd be better at 145.

OK, time to pimp the 155-pound title bout. Let's roll the hype video!

Primus comes out to "Sail" by AWOLNation, when we all know he should've come out to "Jerry Was a Racecar Driver." Chandler comes out to a song that sounds like it was lifted from a Madea movie, and there's a whole bunch of Photoshop fire plastered all over his Titantron promo. How original.

As it turns out, a one-legged man really doesn't have much of a chance in an ass kicking contest...

Bellator Lightweight Championship Bout
Brent Primus (7-0-0-0) vs. Michael Chandler (16-3-0-0)

Current Lightweigh Champ Mike Chandler is riding a four-fight winning streak, with his latest victory coming against Ben Henderson, who I TOTALLY forgot was in this company until I looked at the Wikipedia page. Meanwhile, the undefeated Brent Primus - whose middle name, I assure you, isn't Mud - is 5-0 in Bellator competition and apparently spent a lot of his childhood homeless and/or selling drugs for a living. This one is scheduled for five rounds, so if I were you, I'd be hitting the caffeine hard ... this 'un might take a while.

The referee is Todd Anderson. Both men throwing a ton of leg kicks. Chandler slips and his ankle looks fucked up, so naturally Primus starts thwacking the fuck out of it. Chandler's leg almost gives out on him. Chandler lands a solid jab as a counter to Primus' attempted leg kick. And the ref stops the fight so Chandler can get his leg checked out. Except the ref CAN'T do that and the doctors stop the fight and there's this great moment where Chandler jumps up and says "let's go" to try and get the crowd fired up but the doctors pull the stool out from under him and he falls flat on his ass.

And the TKO comes at 2:20 of the very first round - we've got ourselves a new world champ.

Primus says he's going to give Chandler and automatic rematch. So far, Chandler is the only person who's gotten anything even remotely resembling a pop from the audience. He says he wants them to cut off his taped up leg and he'll keep fighting. Up in the crow's nest, Thompson and Schaub do their best to make it sound like Chandler is still the company's marquee fighter, but yeah ... it ain't exactly effective. And LOL at Goldberg reminding Schaub about that time he got knocked out by Roy Nelson back in 2009.

Time for the Fedor/Mitrione hype video! Matt says he feels like "a douche" for having kidney stones and missing the Bellator 172 main event. Royce Gracie and Randy Couture put over Fedor and yeah, I am getting a little goosebumpy.

Mitrione comes out to "Simple Man" by Skynyrd. Meanwhile, Fedor comes out to some Soviet propaganda music ... I think.

...and there goes another million dollars down the shitter.

Heavyweight Bout
Matt Mitrione (11-5-0-0) vs. Fedor Emelianenko (36-4-0-0)


Of course, this bout was supposed to headline a free Spike TV show earlier this year, but it got scratched when Mitrione ran out of tampons. At this point, what can I say about Fedor that hasn't already been said by more eloquent, thoughtful souls than I? Granted, the Fedor we got here tonight ain't exactly the same fighter that had all those classic fights against Big Nog and Crocop and Kevin Randleman, but you never can tell when a dude is really passed his prime in MMA ... just ask 46-year-old World Heavyweight Champion Randy Couture. Mitrione, the far younger fighter, used to play in the NFL and did a fairly long stint in the UFC, where he once kicked Kimbo Slice's shins off and murder-death-killed Derrick Lewis in just 41 seconds. He hasn't fought in about a year, though, so he could show some serious signs of cage rust. But then again, you could say the exact same thing about Fedor - and unlike last time, he doesn't have Putin around to override the judge's scorecard - or does he?

Fedor gets a huge ovation. And man, is it weird to see those non-Reebok sponsorship banners getting unfurled, huh? Dan Mirgliato is the ref. Fedor needs a translator to know to touch gloves. Fedor with a leg kick. THEY KNOCK EACH OTHER DOWN AT THE SAME TIME, BUT MITRIONE GETS UP FIRST AND POUNCES FEDOR'S CORPSE AND PUNCHES HIM OUT UNTIL THE REF WAVES IT OFF!

The official time of the KO is at 1:14 of round number one. Before the post-fight Mitrione puts on a New York Giants jersey. "This shit is going to be just like that time I knocked out Derrick Lewis," he said. In the best moment of all-time, he says fuck the Golden State Warriors he'll come visit Donald Trump at the White House and follows it up by telling people to donate to a GoFundMe for the family of Tim Hague.

Mitrione hugs on Chuck Zito and Randy Couture in the crowd. "Pride is officially dead" Schaub says.

What the hell? A Gracie ... winning by submission?

We've got some time to kill so we're going to have Dave Marfone vs. Neiman Gracie - which I guess was originally scheduled to go on after the main event - up next.

Gracie with a takedown early. He has Marfone's back. Gracie with a big right hand and then he slips and falls flat on his ass. Gracie is in the full mount. Marfone is up. Gracie goes for another takedown and Marfone shakes him off. Both men back up. Gracie with a leg kick. Marfone locks in a DEEP guillotine choke with seconds left. Gracie's saved by the bell. 

Round two. This is a welterweight contest, if you were wondering. Gracie with some high kicks. Gracie grinding Marfone up against the cage. Gracie has Marfone's back. Now he has a standing body triangle. Marfone falls backwards but Gracie still has his foe's back. He sinks in a rear naked choked - it's deep and Marfone TAPS.

The tap came at 2:27 at the second round. Renzo and Royce celebrate in the crowd.  In the post-fight, he speaks English, but just barely.

And here's our hype tape for the main event. Sonnen says Silva jumped him in front of his wife back when they were filming that one season of The Ultimate Fighter in Brazil and now he wants REVENGE, damn it.

Sonnen's Titantron has a reference to 911 - the emergency phone number - in it. During a PPV in New York. Ladies and gentlemen ... that's Bellator. His music is "Too Much Fun," by some country music singer. Silva's Titantron is a pastiche of a horror movie, but at least he still comes out to "Sandstorm," as God and everybody else knows he should.

When you have to use a guillotine choke as a rest hold, you know it's probably time to hang 'em up ...

Light Heavyweight Bout
Wanderlei Silva (35-12-0-0) vs. Chael Sonnen (28-15-1-0)


Well, here we have it, folks - the veritable Grudge Match of MMA. Both these fighters were supposed to have a big money UFC showdown about four years ago, but since both men have a bad habit of failing drug tests, that shit never came to fruition. Proving once and for all that Scott Coker is hellbent on turning the organization into the mixed martial arts equivalent of TNA wrestling, Bellator decided to snatch up both men - who, for several years, have been in a state of de facto retirement - to resolve that made-for-TV bad blood literally everybody and their mamas forgot about at least three years ago. In case you're wondering, Wanderlei hasn't fought since 2013 and Sonnen broke a three-year retirement spell to pretty much throw a fight against Tito Ortiz earlier this year. So - needless to say - expect a pure-D shit show of legendary ... and dare I say it, Kimbo and Dada ... proportions.

Both the Brazilian and American national anthems are played. The "Star Spangled Banner" is performed by Dave Navarro, of all people. And it only took about 20 minutes, too! Sonnen with a takedown already. Big John is the ref. Loud "USA" chants. Sonnen popping Silva with rights on the ground. Sonnen going for a can opener submission, of all things. It ain't working, so he just keeps hitting him with elbows. Silva gets to his feet. And, of course, Silva drops Sonnen with a right hand. Now Silva's in the full mount. Sonnen gets up and lands a takedown and then Silva tries to lock in a guillotine. Sonnen transitions to the full mount. About thirty seconds left. Sonnen trying to get a kimura. Sonnen lands some elbows as the round expires. A tough one to call, but I'd go 10-9 for Sonnen.

Round two. "You got clipped, pussy!" Tito Ortiz yells on camera. Sonnen with a jumping knee. Silva clips him on the rebound with a knee of his own. Now Silva is looking for a guillotine choke. Silva is bleeding from his right eye and he is sucking wind hard. "This is not the mannequin challenge," Ranallo declares during the inaction. The ref stands 'em up. Sonnen with a running takedown. Sonnen not doing much pound with his ground right now. Ninety seconds left. Sonnen lands some pillow hand punches as the bell sounds. 20-18 Sonnen, in my book.

Round three. And Sonnen gets the takedown. He's in the butterfly guard. Sonnen with some shitty elbows to the head. Now Sonnen is going for a kimura. He loses it. Now he's fishing for the kimura again. Sonnen's got the full mount. One minute left. LOL at the "Fuck You, Tito" chants coming from the audience ... and he's not even in the fight. With twenty seconds left, Sonnen just hits Silva with shoulder strikes and takes no chances. It has to be 30-27 for Sonnen. 

Let's go the judges. One 30-26 and two 30-27s for Chael Sonnen. "Goddamn I hate New York," Sonnen says in the post-fight. He challenges Fedor and Silva pushes him as he leaves the cage.

We take it back to Goldberg, Thompson and Schaub. They wonder whether Sonnen's next opponent will be Fedor, Ortiz or Wanderlei again. Holy shit, this is WCW booking Hulk Hogan against Randy Savage in 1999 all over again. Goldie pimps an upcoming card in Thackerville, Okla., and - thankfully - that's all she wrote from MSG.

And it is alllll over ... for Bellator's financial feasibility in the MMA marketplace.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Well, you might as well do Chael Sonnen vs. Fedor Emelianenko next, which - knowing Bellator - will probably take place in front of 2,000 paying customers at Yankee Stadium or something. The company will probably do some kind of elaborate eight-man grand prix to determine a new heavyweight champion, so odds are Matt Mitrione will wind up fighting somebody like Quinton Jackson or Roy Nelson on some crappy Spike TV card next - and of course, everybody involved will get hurt so it will inevitably end up being two shitty reserve fighters duking it out for the company title at the very end, which, in a way, is the most Bellator of all possible outcomes. Clearly, a rematch between Brent Primus and Michael Chandler is definitely in order, and Rory MacDonald will undoubtedly be the next man in line for a shot at Douglas Lima's title. And as for Ryan Bader's first title defense as Bellator's Light Heavyweight Champ? Eh, like you, me or anybody else really gives a shit, but it will probably be against Liam McGeary, or possibly Linton Vassel.

THE VERDICT: Well, that show was ... something else, to be sure. None of the fights were anywhere close to being "good" in the traditional sense, but at least we got a lot of fluky finishes that ensure Bellator will never, ever make money again. This show was kinda' like watching a big WCW PPV from 1998 - you could enjoy the cult of personality nonsense and the brazen nostalgia porn, but there's no denying this product isn't stuck in the past and is in no way, shape or form built for the future. If UFC is the NFL, Bellator is the equivalent of your high school's 20 year reunion flag football game, and nothing solidified that more than tonight's reverse humdinger of a PPV.

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Probably Matt Mitrione and Chael Sonnen's post-fight interviews.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: Douglas Lima vs. Lorenz Larkin was so boring, it actually made me look forward to the next Nik Lentz match-up.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "The Gracies have more branches than Bank of America" - Mauro Ranallo commenting on Brazil's most famous fighting family.

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM TONIGHT'S SHOW:

  • All you have to do to retain a championship is punch a guy 45 million times over a 20-second span in the second round and then spend the next 15 minutes doing diddly squat.
  • Apparently, Aaron Pico dropped out of high school right before the class that taught you had to guard your chin. 
  • Just because an official makes a fighter with a clearly shattered ankle hop around on one foot for an entire round doesn't mean New York has a refereeing problem. 
  • Rocky 2 CAN happen in real life. 
  • Wrestling ALWAYS triumphs over whatever the fuck Wanderlei Silva's been doing for the last five years.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "So Electric" by Lifelike and "Breaking Out" by The Protomen and I will be seeing you cageside in just a few.