Sunday, June 4, 2017

The Rocktagon Recap of UFC 212: Aldo vs. Holloway!

Missed the latest and greatest Ultimate Fighting Championship PPV spectacle? No problem - our industry-leading coverage will fill you in on absolutely everything you missed.


By: Jimbo X
JimboXAmerican@gmail.com
@Jimbo___X

Good evening, godless sodomites! Tonight we're gonna' be callin' UFC 212: Aldo vs. Holloway LIVE(ish) from somewhere in Brazil, where apparently, Zika ain't nothin' to worry about too much no more. Hooray for global pandemics everybody forgets about after six months! Also, because I prolly want have the time nor space to bring it up later in the evening, did you know that Brazil imported 5 million slaves from Africa from 1501 to 1866, when the U.S. barely imported 400,000 during that same timeframe? Yep - just something to think about the next time you go to one of those "red-green" all-you-can-eat Brazilian steakhouses - you fucking slavemaster supporter, you. 

Anyhoo, calling the shots down there in Rio tonight are Jon Anik, Brian Stann and Dominick Cruz. Dominick tells us Holloway has a big chip on his shoulder, but ever the substandard broadcast journalist, he never tells us what flavor. They also talk about the wimmens co-main, but eh, like anybody gives a shit about that. And - surprise! - the fuckin' Brazilians haven't adopted the new unified rules, either. Of course those Portuguese-speaking motherfuckers wouldn't - we all knew they wouldn't.

Welterweight Bout
Erick Silva (19-7-0-1) vs. Yancy Medeiros (13-4-0-1)

Silva's been fighting in the UFC since 2011, having accumulated a 7-6 record in the Octagon. Meanwhile, Medeiros has been a UFC staple since 2013, collecting a 5-4 record since over the last four years. Interestingly, both fighters are coming of victories by rear naked choke submission ... you know, not that such would be a spoiler for this fight or anything ...

Despite the Hispanic-sounding name, Yancy is actually Hawaiian. Silva has a quasi-emo haircut and comes out to some symphonic sounding rappity-rap hip-hop music. Michael Buffer then speaks in Portuguese before doing the formal introductions in English and it sounds iffy as fuck. LOL at Yancy repeatedly screaming "I love you, Hawaii."

Are the fans chanting "whoomp, there it is?" Because it totally sounds like that, for sure. Yancy with a kick to the body. Silva whiffs on a body kick. Then he whiffs on a high kick. Yancy drops Silva and he hits him with some hard shots on the mat. Silva gets back up and (mostly) avoids another barrage of punches on his feet. Silva lands a leg kick. Silva blocks a spinning back fist from Yancy. Silva with a solid body kick. And another spinning back kick. Yancy responds with a heavy right jab. Silva with another hard leg kick. Yancy lands a shitty leg kick of his own. Silva blasts his ankle again. Silva tags Yancy with a left jab a few seconds before the round concludes and all them Brazilians go ker-razy

Round two. Both these niggaz just throwing everything they got to begin. Silva whiffs on a spinning crescent kick. And there's Silva with a hard leg kick. Silva lands a right on Yancy's chin. He then rattles off two on Yancy's clavicle, of all things. AND YANCY UNCORKS A HUGE LEFT HOOK AND DROPS SILVA'S ASS LIKE A SACK OF YAMS! Yancy rattles off a few shots on the ground and the ref waves it off. Well, that finish came out of nowhere, didn't it?

The official time is 2:01. In the post-fight, Yancy says something in Portuguese and the fans chant what I am pretty sure is the Brazilian equivalent of the Anglo-Saxon "bullshit." He then cuts a kinda' rhyming outro about having a "lot of pep in his step" but the fans have no idea what he's talking about and don't react at all and it's fucking embarrassing.

Hey, Shogun Rua is in the house! Don't laugh now, but that dude is prolly only about two or three fights away from competing for the 205-pound title. That ... pretty much tells you everything you need to know about the quality of the Light Heavyweight division nowadays.

Because a sharp toenail to the eye is practically the same thing as bringing an icepick into the Octagon.

Middleweight Bout
Paulo Borrachinha (9-0-0-0) vs. Oluwale Bamgbose (6-2-0-0)

Paulo is undefeated in his pro fighting career, registering his first UFC victory in March with a TKO win over Garreth McLellan. Bamgbose - whose parents apparently named him by throwing silverware down the stairs - is 1-2 in UFC competition, having last dropped an "L" to Cezar Ferreira in April 2006. So, yeah, why the UFC thought this was a better fight to put on the main card than Marlon Moraes vs. Raphael Assuncao is beyond me, folks.

Oluwale prays at the entrance ramp. He's billed from the Bronx even though he's clad in a Nigerian flag. He also has one of the best worst nicknames in the history of MMA - "Holy War Angel." He also comes out to what I am fairly certain is contemporary Christian guitar-rock ... and fucking sings along to it. And he keeps singing while the cornerman forces him to clip his big toenail. Holy shit, this dude is automatically my new favorite fighter. Anik says lots of people in Brazil are "wicked excited" about Paulo, then Stann praises him for working with poor children in the favelas. 

Bam with a huge body shot. He nearly falls down delivering a leg kick. He shoots for a takedown. And he lands it. Bam tries to get his back, but Paulo shakes him off. Both men standing and swinging in the middle now. Paulo throws a jab and literally falls flat on his face. Paulo chases him down and lands a huge kick to Bam's body. PAULO FUCKING UNLOADS A BARRAGE OF PUNCHES, KNEES AND HIGH KICKS FOR A SOLID MINUTE BUT BAM STILL DOESN'T GO DOWN. Now Bam is shooting for another takedown. Paulo slowly gets back to his feet while Bam throws the fattest, slowest, most tired punches you've ever seen in your life as the round expires.

Round two. Bam is gassed as fuck. Paulo chases him down. Bam throws a kick and slips on his ass. Paulo hops on him and hits him a million billion times and the ref says "that's enough beating up the black man, thank you very much."

A fucking dominant display from the now 10-0 Brazilian. The official time was 1:06. His translator says he wants to fight a top 10 middleweight next. Yeah, I'd say he's ready, alright.

Hey, Miesha Tate is in the audience! Damn, that girl's eyes are so narrow she makes Renee Zellwegger look like a fuckin' anime character.

No matter how chill you are, you will never give less of a fuck about your job than this guy.

Middleweight Bout
Vitor Belfort (25-13-0-0) vs. Nate Marquardt (38-16-3-0)

Purportedly, this is the final match for "the Phenom," who has been walloping skulls for a living since freakin' UFC 12. The 40-year-old living legend - the beneficiary of an overturned knockout loss in his last bout 'cause Kelvin Gastelum couldn't stop hisself from smokin' dat chiba - goes toe-to-toe with another dude who has to be *this* close to calling it quits, Nate "The Great" Marquardt, whose last battle in the Octagon resulted in a decision loss to Sam Alvey last January. Yeah, I can't believe this is a PPV match in the year 2017, either.

LOL at Jon Anik bringing up that time Nate knocked out Tyron Woodley. And I can't tell you how disappointed I am Belfort doesn't have the faux-hawk anymore.

Belfort, of course, gets a huge pop. Both guys hesitant to engage early. "Ole" chants piping up already. Holy shit, Belfort hasn't gone to a decision since 2007. Nate with a beautiful leg trip takedown. Nate with shoulder butts in bunches. The ref stands 'em up. BTW, this ref has the most amazing resting bitch face of all-time. Nate with a front kick to the sternum. Nate with a few more solid jabs. Belfort lands a head kick just as the bell sounds.

Round two. Nate with a good combo and a kick to the midsection. Belfort lands a head kick and then he fucks Nate up good with a flurry against the cage. Still, Nate survives. Belfort with a leg kick. Nate with a front kick to the sternum, but Vitor blocks it. Nate with several kicks to the body. Vitor bleeding underneath his eye now. Holy shit, Nate's attempted knee strike is the worst thing you've ever seen. Nate lands a few pillow-soft shots and that's the end of the round. 

Round three. Going into this 'un I've got it 19-19. Vitor obviously looking for the counterpunch now. Nate with more leg kicks. Two minutes to go. Not a lot happening at all. Belfort with a head kick, then a hard jab. Belfort with another head kick. Nate's face looks all messed up now. And Jack Shit happens in the last ten seconds. I've got it 29-28 for Belfort.

And yep, it's 29-28 across the board for Belfort. In the post-fight he says he has at least five fights left in him. Welp, I guess all the "retirement" stuff was blown out of proportion, then.

Jessica Andrade is in the crowd. Just pretend you care, OK? And oh fuck, KAZUSHI SAKURABA IS GOING TO BE IN THE UFC HALL OF FAME! Naturally, Cruz immediately compares him to Bruce Lee and starts talking about how he wished they still had 90 minute matches.

Strawweight Bout
Claudia Gadelha (13-2-0-0) vs. Karolina Kowalkiewicz (10-1-0-0)

Whoever wins this one is pretty much guaranteed the honor of getting her ass kicked by Joanna Jedrzejczyk later this year (fun fact: the current UFC Women's Strawweight Champion has already bested these two women in earlier competition - she beat Gadelha twice in just two years and beat Karolina at UFC 205 last November, plus in her first amateur bout in 2012.) So, what's the point of this bout again? Oh yeah - gender equality or some shit. Almost forgot.

Karolina comes out to "The Passenger" by Iggy Pop. Not one of his better songs, to be honest. Claudia comes out to some Eurotrash sweaty sex music. Hey, did you know she has the most takedowns in the history of the UFC's Women's Strawweight Division? Well, you do now, Holmes.

Karolina is just sitting there with her legs crossed against the cage. Meanwhile, Claudia has cornrows and looks like one soured broad. Oh hell, I can't tell either of these hos apart. Claudia with a double underhook and she gets the takedown. She's got Karolina's back. She sinks in the rear naked choke, and Karolina TAPS.

The official time of the submission was 3:03. Claudia says she's a new fighter and "it's going to be fucking hard to beat me, man." Now she's going to move to New Mexico, get a nice car and a fancy dog. And on that note, who wants a promo for UFC 213? Hey now - don't all ya'll raise your hands at once.

Maybe by the time he's 40, Jose Aldo will manage to complete that goatee he's been working on since WEC 34.

UFC Featherweight Championship Bout
Jose Aldo (26-2-0-0) vs. Max Holloway (17-3-0-0)

Since the UFC made Conor McGregor give up the 145 pound belt he never defends anyway, they turned around and gifted it to Jose Aldo, despite the fact Max Holloway was already holding on to the company's interim Featherweight Championship. So what we've got here are two people who never beat the guy who actually held the championship belt last battling to unify the vacated proper title and an interim belt. So this is essentially like one of those third place matches in the World Cup where the two teams that got bounced in the semifinals pretend to be enthusiastic about never being the real champions. Except with flying knees to the face, which I suppose makes it slightly more palatable ...

Holloway comes out to a mash-up of Drake and some Hawaiian folk music. And as always, Aldo comes out to "Run This Town," which is my favorite song with quacking ducks in the background, and it isn't even close.

Shit, I'm just going to say it - both these guys look like Mexican drug runners. Both guys extremely cautious in the opening round. That's codeword for "they ain't doing shit," in case you weren't in the loop. Aldo with a huge left hook and a big barrage up against the cage, complete with a jumping knee to the face. Alas, Holloway weathers the storm. There's some good punching with a minute to go, with both men exchanging body kicks as the bell sounds.

Round two. Aldo with a good uppercut. Then he connects on a solid 1-2 combo. And then an even better one. Aldo with a hard left jab. Holloway finally lands a combo. Holloway delivers a big right. Now these two are just swinging, and it's fucking rad. Aldo has a big hematoma growing out of the side of his head. Now Holloway is dropping his hands and TAUNTING Aldo like Anderson Silva. Aldo goes for a flurry as the bell sounds, but not too much connects.

Round three. Surprisingly, Aldo isn't throwing any leg kicks. Looks like he's trying to head hunt now. Both fighters slugging it out again, but it's a stalemate. HOLLOWAY DROPS ALDO! Holloway dropping bombs on his ass, and he has Aldo's back. Holloway on top again. He switches to Aldo's back. He pounds the shit out of BOTH sides of Aldo's skull AND THE REF STOPS IT!

Fans are crying in the stands and you can hear a pin drop. This is so fucking great. 

The official time was 4:13. In the post-fight, Max thanks his lord and savior Jesus Christ and demands Dana White send him a $50,000 check. Also, I never realized how much this motherfucker sounds like PaRappa the Rapper - it's downright eerie, actually. Aldo didn't get much mic time, because mic time is for WINNERS and he's a big fat LOSER and should feel bad about himself losing in his own backyard for a long time to come. Hey - it's your own fault for refusing to throw any leg kicks, nigga.

Yeah ... I'd be crying like a bitch, too, if I had to live in Rio.

SO, WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE? Max Holloway vs. Frankie Edgar is pretty much the only sensible thing for the UFC to do with the Featherweight Championship, although I could potentially see Cub Swanson stepping in as a substitution if "The Answer" is sidelined by injuries. It's probably a bit premature to see Jose Aldo is "done," and considering his legacy, he'll probably be in an automatic title eliminator in his next bout - probably against Ricardo Lamas or the aforementioned Cub SwansonClaudia Gadelha is practically a lock for next in line to challenge for Joanna Jedrzejczyk's belt, but there is an off-chance she's handed Rose Namajunas or Jessica Andrade in a title eliminator. Vitor Belfort ain't quite in the Middleweight Championship fray, but if he really does have five fights left on his contract, it would be nice to see him take on a truly formidable challenger, like Krzysztof Jotko or even Anderson Silva next. And lastly, this Paulo Borrachinha kid looks like he is for real. If he wants a top ten Middleweight to tussle with, I say give him one - either Derek Brunson or David Branch being my two preferred picks.

THE VERDICT: For a show with practically zero expectations, I thought it over-delivered. All of the main card fights sans one had really good finishes, and the undercard was pretty entertaining, too. It didn't really have any "fight of the year" candidates or any MMA moments that will stick with you for a lifetime, but it certainly wasn't boring and certainly kept your attention all night long. All in all, I'd chalk it up as a better than average PPV, and a nigh-miracle considering how crappy the card looked on paper. 

SHOW HIGHLIGHT: Aldo vs. Holloway was on pace to be a bona fide FOTY contender until Holloway, you know, decided to just beat Aldo's ass ragged. But hey - that shit was grade-A entertainment as well.

SHOW LOWLIGHT: The Belfort vs. Marquardt match was the MMA equivalent of the PGA Senior circuit - slow, lethargic and filled with less action than a Merchant Ivory production.

QUOTE OF THE NIGHT: "Don't mistake her kindness for weakness" - Joe Anik on what he perceived to be Karolina K.'s timidity. 

FIVE THINGS I LEARNED FROM WATCHING TONIGHT'S SHOW:

  • Clavicle boxing is a surprisingly effective set-up for a knockout jab.
  • Shaving a cross into the back of your skull just gives your opponent an easier target to whale on.
  • Even at 40 years old, getting into a fire fight with Vitor Belfort is really, really fuckin' stupid. 
  • You've done a lot of dumb things in your life, but none of them are probably as dumb as giving Claudia Gadelha easy access to your back while you're trying to get off the floor.
  • Nope - even having a full mustache for the first time in your life won't save you from getting KTFO.

Well, that's all I've got for you this week. Crank up "I Don't Wanna Be Me" by Type O Negative and "I'm Alive" by Johnny Thunder and I'll be seeing you back at the cage in just a few...

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