Friday, September 22, 2017

100 Reasons Why Hillary Clinton REALLY Lost

There's no need to pick up What Happened - this list tells you EXACTLY why old Hill failed to win last year's presidential election.

By: Jimbo X

Unless you've been living under a rock because Barack Obama's tactical strikes on your homeland turned you into a refugee - or you're still without a Wi-Fi connection 'cause your city officials spent more time tryin' to take down Confederate statues than insuring the local infrastructure could handle more then six inches of precipitation before crumbling apart - you've probably heard a thing or two about Hillary Clinton's new tell-all book, What Happened. Notice it's What Happened without a question mark at the end; that makes it a declarative statement instead of an inquiry, which tells you upfront the 512-page cinder block of a tome ain't even remotely concerned with locating the causes of her electoral defeat last November, just a platform for her septuagenarian ass to blame everything and anybody for screwing her over, which in a way, kinda makes her the 1997 Bret Hart of modern presidential also-rans. 

Old Hill has been all over the media the last two weeks, pimping and promoting her book on The View and Anderson Cooper and Rachel Maddow and all the other reasons I don't own a TV no more. Alas, because of the book's steep $17.99 asking price and I'm afraid she might try to Vince Foster/Seth Rich me if I illegally download it in PDF form, I've had to take everybody else's word for it on what the book's really about. Now, from the handful of passages I've seen circulatin' around on the message boards - particularly, this one part where Hill talks about having all these moms drag their daughters up to her to atone for not voting - it strikes me as your usual literary cult-of-personality bowl o' sour grapes, like all them mea culpas professional athletes hire people to write for 'em after they get busted for doing steroids and beating their wives. The only difference is, old Hill ain't taking self-responsibility for nothing. Indeed, other online commentators have come up with lists of 50-plus things she blames in the new book for her losing the election, running the gamut from you typical intangible constructs (racism, sexism, pretty much every "ism" you can think or except "Marxism" or just plain "jism") to there being too many damned conservative documentaries on Netflix. 

Now, I'm assuming old Hill won't listen to nobody else about why she lost, especially not some Internet comedy writer such as myself. But instead of blaming her loss on Facebook and white supremacy, maybe she ought to listen to some of the people who voted against her last November and take it as what you liberal fellas so often call "a learning experience." As a matter of fact, I've been able to come up with a list of no less than one hundred potential and probable reasons why the American electorate didn't cast their vote for H-R-C last N-O-V, and maybe - just maybe - John Podesta will take enough time away from cruising the dark web for photos of preteens to actually forward Hill the full, unabridged list of REASONS (not excuses) as to why Donald Trump thumped her at the polls ... 

1. "Fuck white people" isn't the best presidential slogan.

2. Building an entire campaign solely around having a vagina is a terrible idea.

3. Even people naive enough to believe Bernie Sanders weren't dense enough to fall for her bullshit

4. There are more legal Americans in the U.S. than illegal ones. 

5. A lot of Americans believe keeping their jobs is a more important campaign issue than the self esteem of middle school girls.

6. Many people believe taking advantage of sluts isn't as morally reprehensible as selling out the country to international bankers

7. Allegedly grabbing a vagina isn't really on par with actually giving nuclear arsenal intelligence to terrorists.

8. A lot of Americans would prefer to live in the United States of America as opposed to the United States of Goldman Sachs.

9. A lot of voters realize it's not that your secrets got leaked that's important, but what the irrefutable leaks revealed about your policy-making decisions.

10. Comparing yourself to old Mexican women doesn't actually endear you to Mexican voters.

11. Blaming your two-faced campaign stances on Abraham Lincoln in front of a live national audience makes you look really, really stupid.

12. Deep down, black women hate white women more than they hate white men.

13. And along those same lines, condensing your campaign message to African-American voters to "here's what I think about welfare and drug sentencing" is kinda' insulting.

14. Some people remember you took bribes from the Chinese back in the 1990s - you know, back when foreign meddling in American elections was no biggie

15. Acting like you have the entire presidential election in the bag from day one is a really good way to make people think you're a smug old cunt.

16. It's kinda' hard to position yourself as a strong, independent, self-made woman when you owe your entire political career to fucking a former president.

17. People tend to not trust people who are OK with their spouses committing adultery if it means they get a shot at more executive power a few years down the road.

18. Many voters are hesitant to cast their ballots for people who are really, REALLY optimistic about going to war with Syria

19. When you say Obamacare is really great but also say you want to replace it with something else - and you can't explain what that "new" health care model is, or why it's superior to the old one - people tend to get suspicious.

20. There's way more N.R.A. members in the country than transgenders. 

21. Some people think geopolitics is more important than identity politics.

22. NOBODY trusts a person who is close personal friends with a guy named Wiener.

23. Accepting campaign contributions - and numerous plane rides - from a convicted pedophile sorta' comes off as iffy.

24. Chiding people who make $12 an hour working in coal mines for their inherent racial and gender privilege isn't a great way to make friends.

25. Constantly berating blue collar workers for their "lack of education" comes off as condescending, if not outright classist.

Carpet 1, carpet muncher 0.

26. Calling political rivals "deplorables" instead of actually explaining why your policy platforms would (hypothetically) financially benefit them is stupid.

27. People notice you keep changing your accent depending on what part of the country you're delivering a speech.

28. For half the electorate, the media referring to you as "Barack Obama's third term" isn't a compliment. 

29. Immigrants from totalitarian countries aren't exactly the biggest fans of more state control.

30. Embracing the LGBT community as "heroes" and telling the military and police to go fuck themselves isn't a wise demographic move - especially when there's twice as many veterans as there are lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transgenders and queers combined in the United States.

31. Siding with people who set shit on fire and smash windows to "fight social injustice" doesn't really gel with Middle America.

32. Telling people you think "content farms in Macedonia" have greater media penetration than CNN or ABC  makes you look disconnected from reality.

33. People tend to note it's a wee bit hypocritical for someone to bemoan "money in politics" yet at the same time rack up more than a billion dollars in campaign contributions

34. It's not suspicious AT ALL when you force your aides to atomize your hard drive with ball-peen hammers when the FBI asks to see it.

35. A lot of Americans aren't all that enthusiastic about their jobs getting shipped to call centers in India or sweatshops in China. 

36. More women care about grocery prices than their ability to get taxpayer-subsidized contraception.

37. Claiming to be a victim of the so-called "gender pay gap" comes off as insincere when you're getting paid $8 million a year just to give private speeches.

38. Criticizing your opponent for accepting "aid and comfort" from Russia without a shred of evidence isn't as bad as accepting ACTUAL financial contributions from the Saudi Arabians.

39. It's kind of sanctimonious to blame "fake news" on Facebook for interfering in the election when the entire news media industrial complex was actively colluding with your campaign to get *YOU* elected

40. Most small business owners would prefer not having an 80 percent tax rate.

41. More American women care about feeding their families than access to partial-birth abortions.

42. Tim Kaine is literally the most boring person she could've picked to be vice president.

43. A lot of Hispanics actually want illegal immigrants out of the country.

44. She was dense enough to think Islamic voters would be OK with having a woman in charge of the country.

45. Raising the minimum wage doesn't mean shit for people who live in parts of the country with no decent jobs within a 100 mile radius.

46. Even if they believe in climate change, a lot of Americans don't think it's worth giving up national sovereignty to combat it.

47. People are smart enough to realize making college "tuition-free" makes a university diploma about as valuable as a high school diploma. 

48. She made finding cures for Alzheimer's and autism a higher priority than making healthcare affordable for working class families.

49. Her campaign manager's name was literally an anagram of "at pedo's."

50. She couldn't decide whether the Chicago Cubs or the New York Yankees are her favorite Major League Baseball team.

Hillary, seen here doing her best Monica Lewinsky impersonation.

51. She coughs too much.

52. Everybody knows she was paying Huma Abedin to eat her pussy, but she wouldn't admit to it.

53. Just hiring enough Secret Service employees to carry her withered old bones in and out of vehicles would've been too great a tax burden.

54. Donald Trump never kissed a Klan member on the lips and referred to him as a "mentor."

55. Some people think not doing shit during Benghazi is worse than a college freshman using "the wrong pronoun."

56. People don't want George Soros to be President of the United States.

57. Rural citizens tend to not aid or abet candidates that refer to them as retarded, sister-fucking meth-addicts.

58. Even other Democrats find her "super delegate" count suspicious.

59. Bill enjoys playing with oversized balloons more than being in her company.

60. Being a "self-empowered woman" isn't really a good thing when it means fucking up the Middle East even more than George W. did

61. Barack Obama didn't even try to put her over at the Democratic National Convention (in fact, if you go back and watch his speech in slow-motion, you can actually see him blink out" seriously, don't trust this honky bitch" in Morse code.)

62. A lot of minorities don't vote, but even if they did, they probably wouldn't have voted for her.

63. Bitching about "muh voter suppression" after a record African-American voter turnout in 2012 made her look dumber than a bag of aquarium gravel.

64. She looks like an elderly Cabbage Patch Doll.

65. More people care about the national debt than student loan debt

66. She told people "vote for me or else you're a misogynist" in lieu of having an actual campaign message.

67. Her own father was a republican and she couldn't convince him to switch sides.

68. The electorate is well aware of what happened to Europe after they accepted "open borders" and "open trade."

69. Every time she laughs it sounds like she just shoved two lost German children into an oven.

70. Nobody can take a person in pantsuits seriously.

71. Middle America wants no part of anybody who associates with "spirit cookers."

72. It's totally NOT AT ALL suspicious that everybody who rats her out winds up mysteriously dead shortly thereafter.

73. Unlike her opponent, she isn't a member of the World Wrestling Entertainment Hall of Fame.

74. She colluded with Barack Obama for under-the-table pay-to-play deals and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

75. Her campaign managers actively discussed goading protesters into violence at Trump rallies and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

Apparently, Hillary Clinton was designed by the same people who made the robots at Itchy & Scratchy Land.

76. Her aides talked mad shit about the Catholics and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

77. The king of Morocco literally paid her $12 million for weapons and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

78. She was caught on tape saying the State Department NEEDED to meddle in Palestinian elections and the media refused to make it a campaign issue. 

79. She colluded with billion-dollar pharmaceutical companies to keep cheap AIDS treatments out of the U.S. and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

80. She wouldn't boot a known sexual harasser from her own campaign team and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

81. She signed off on giving Russia one-fifth of the nation's uranium supply and the media refused to make it a campaign issue. 

82. She illegally coordinated with several SuperPACs and the media refused to make it a campaign issue.

83. She tried to get Univision to stage fake anti-Trump rallies because it would've made for great television.

84. Mark Zuckerberg went to her for bribing lessons.

85. She literally paid somebody to sabotage Joe Biden.

86. She pretended to support a $15 minimum wage.

87. One of her advisers said her uranium deal with Iran was the "greatest appeasement since Chamberlain gave Czechoslovakia to Hitler.

88. She helped one of her sponsors cover up a scandal involving lap dances from a 15-year-old boy.

89. People ACTUALLY read WikiLeaks even though CNN told them it was illegal.

90. She supported TPP, even if she told everybody she didn't.

91. Because human emotion is so alien to her, her handlers had to teach her how to smile.

92. Nobody wants Google to run the country.

93. Her advisers kinda' sounded like Jewish supremacists.

94. She mocked climate change activists behind closed doors and secretly colluded with frackers all while touting a "pro-environmental" message to the public. 

95. Her own camp vouched for oversampling of populations likely to vote for her in public opinion polls

96. Her staffers literally prayed the San Bernardino shooters were white.

97. CNN gave her questions in advance and she still couldn't out-debate Trump.

98. Hispanics aren't really all that keen on being called "taco bowls."

99. She thought having to defend a child rapist and destroying evidence to get him off the hook was funny.

100. And perhaps the most damning reason of all why she didn't win last fall: she's Hillary Clinton


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