Wednesday, November 29, 2017

2017 NFL Power Rankings (Week 12!)

ESPN and Sports Illustrated can eat shit - these are the only pro football rankings anybody needs.

By: Jimbo X
This Week's Episode:
"January Dreams, December Wishes"


Philadelphia Eagles (10-1)
Season Point Differential: +160

The Eagles clubbed the Bears silly Sunday, besting Chicago 31-3 in a game that saw Carson Wentz go 23 for 36 for 227 yards and three touchdown passes. Zach Ertz, Alshon Jeffery and Nelson Agholor (a former He-Man villain, I think) all recorded touchdown receptions, while top back LeGarrette Blount finished the outing with 97 yards on 15 carries. And the defense absolutely shut Chicago down, holding the Bears to just 147 yards passing and a LITERALLY retarded six yards rushing.

New England Patriots (9-2)
Season Point Differential: +105

In a 35-17 rout of the Dolphins, Tom Brady went 18 for 28 for 227 yards, four touchdown passes and one interception, with Brandin Cooks and Gronk combining for three TD hauls and more than 160 receiving yards on the day. Dion Lewis led all rushers in the game with 112 yards on 15 carries, and the Pats' D is finally starting to look dominant; at the final horn, they held Miami to just 154 yards passing and only 67 rushing.

Minnesota Vikings (9-2)
Season Point Differential: +76

The Vikes extended their NFC North lead with a 30-23 win over the Lions on Thanksgiving. Case Keenum went 21 for 30 for 282 yards and two touchdown passes while Latavius Murray collected 84 yards and one end zone visit on 20 carries. By the way, Murray's grand total was 21 yards more than the entire Lions' backfield could produce during the contest - a scant 53 yards.

Pittsburgh Steelers (9-2)
Season Point Differential: +65

It was a close one, but a last second field goal was enough to give the Steelers the edge in Sunday night's 31-28 victory. Big Ben went 33 for 45 for 351 yards, four touchdown passes and two interceptions, with Antonio Brown finishing the game with 169 yards and two touchdowns on ten hauls. And dual threat back Le'Veon Bell had some great numbers, too, wrapping up the outing with 95 yards rushing and 88 yards receiving.

Los Angeles Rams (8-3)
Season Point Differential: +123

Jared Goff balled like a motherfucker in the Rams' 26-20 win over the Saints. He finished the game 28 for 43 for 354 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with top receiver Cooper Kupp concluding the contest with 116 yards on eight catches. And despite being outpaced 123 yards to 88 yards on the ground, Todd Gurley still provided a steady run game for L.A., wrapping up the win with 74 yards on 17 carries.

New Orleans Saints (8-3)
Season Point Differential: +100

The Saints' impressive win streak came to an end Sunday as New Orleans fell to the Rams 26-20. Drew Brees went 22 for 32 for 246 yards and one touchdown pass, with Alvin Kamara finishing the game with 101 yards and one waltz into the end zone on six receptions. By the way, Kamara was also the most productive running back on either side of the field, wrapping up the affair with 87 yards and one rushing touchdown on five carries.

Carolina Panthers (8-3)
Season Point Differential: +41

Cam Newton (11 for 28, 168 yards) had no touchdown passes in the Panthers' 35-27 win over the Jets Sunday, but he did scramble for 28 yards en route to recording one rushing TD. He might not be a household name now, but you might want to keep an eye on receiver Devin Funchess; as evident by his seven-catch, 108-yard day over the weekend, he could become very crucial to this offense in the not too distant future.

Jacksonville Jaguars (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +101

The Jags came up short Sunday, dropping a close 'un 27-24 to the Cardinals. In the defeat, Blake Bortles went 19 for 33 for 160 yards, no touchdown throws and one interception, but he did rack up two rushing touchdowns, ultimately concluding the outing with 62 yards on the ground. Alas, Jacksonville's dynamite D didn't have much luck against THE BLAINE GABBERT, who not only managed to accumulate 241 yards against 'em, but finish the game being sacked just once.

The sad thing is, this is actually one of the more intelligent Eagles fans out there.


Seattle Seahawks (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +54

In a facile 24-13 win over the Niners, Russell Wilson recorded three touchdowns - two TD passes and one expedition into enemy end zone running the ball. At the final horn Seattle's QB went 20 for 34 for 228 yards, with an additional 25 yards accumulated on the ground. Leading the receivers corps for Seattle was a pretty unexpected name - Paul Richardson, who concluded the contest with 70 yards on four catches.

Atlanta Falcons (7-4)
Season Point Differential: +35

Julio Jones had 253 yards and two touchdowns on just 12 catches in the Falcons' 34-20 throttlin' of NFC South rivals Tampa Bay Sunday, as Matt Ryan wrapped up the hootenanny 26 for 35 for 317 yards and one TD pass. But hey, if Julio Jones had two touchdowns but Matt Ryan only tossed one, who lobbed the other TD throw? Well, that would be receiver Mohamed Sanu, who lobbed a 51-yard end zone strike in the early moments of the second quarter. (Oh, and by the way: Mohamed Sanu, who is six for six as a passer with three touchdowns over the course of six seasons, technically has the highest career QBR in NFL history.)

Tennessee Titans (7-4)
Season Point Differential: -27

The Titans won a hard fought victory over AFC South rivals Indianapolis Sunday, ultimately overcoming the Colts 20-16. Marcus Mariota went 17 for 25 for 184 yards and a one-to-two TD-to-INT split, while Derrick Henry chalked up 79 yards (but no scores) on 13 carries. Tennessee's top receiver was Delanie Walker, who wrapped up the game with 63 yards and one TD on four catches.

Baltimore Ravens (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +49

It wasn't pretty, but the Ravens nonetheless walked away with a 23-16 win last Monday night over the Texans. Joe Flacco went 20 for 32 for 141 yards and no TD passes, although he did rack up an extra 62 yards scrambling. And the Ravens' D certainly made life difficult for Tom Savage - Baltimore's defense recorded three turnovers off the Texans' QB, including two costly interceptions

Kansas City Chiefs (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +36

After a 5-0 start, the Chiefs have now lost five of their last six, including Sunday's 16-10 loss to Buffalo. Going 23 for 36 for 199 yards and a one-to-one TD-to-INT ratio over the weekend, there's a LOT of clamoring going on that K.C. might actually bench Alex Smith in favor of Patrick Mahomes. And if they somehow lose to the Jets this weekend, they really don't have an excuse to not wedge in the rookie QB for his first pro career start against the Raiders in two weeks' time.

Detroit Lions (6-5)
Season Point Differential: +30

The Lions kept it close on Thanksgiving, but they still fell to Minnesota 30-23 last Thursday. Matt Stafford went 20 for 35 for 250 yards, two TD passes and one interception, with Marvin Jones collecting 109 yards and two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, their run game was pure shit; posting 53 on their end, Detroit's D easily allowed the Vikings to accumulate 136 rushing yards on the opposite side of the field.

Buffalo Bills (6-5)
Season Point Differential: -36

A late INT sealed the W for Buffalo, as the Bills survived a tough 'un, 16-10, against the Chiefs Sunday. In the upset win, T-Mobile went 19 for 29 for 183 yards and one TD pass, while the Bills' defense held the Chiefs rushing attack to just 55 yards on the day. Alas, with the likes of Charles Clay and Zay Jones in their receiving corps, does this team honestly have enough depth to win upcoming shootouts against the Patriots, Dolphins and Colts in the month ahead?

Los Angeles Chargers (5-6)
Season Point Differential: +47

The Chargers ram-rodded the Cowboys on Thanksgiving, spanking Dallas 28-6 in front of their home crowd. Phil Rivers (27 for 33) lobbed three touchdown passes in the affair, with Keenan Allen recording a stellar 172 yards plus a TD haul on 11 receptions. And don't look now, but the surging Bolts are now just one game behind the Chiefs for control of the tumultuous AFC West.

How nice of the Chiefs to celebrate Thanksgiving by allowing the less fortunate a victory.


Cincinnati Bengals (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -16

The Bengals won the Battle of Ohio - again - when they bested the Browns 30-16 over the weekend. Andy Dalton went 18 for 28 for 214 yards and two touchdown passes, while back Joe Mixon ran for 114 yards and one score on 23 carries. And because Freakonomics most certainly applies to pro football, despite the final score, the Browns actually outproduced Cincinnati in terms of both aerial and ground yardage - 268 to 214 regarding the former, 169 to 152 as it relates to the latter.

Washington Redskins (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -18

Kirk Cousins (19 for 31, 242 yards) had two touchdown passes and an interception in the Redskins' 20-10 prime time win over the Giants on Thanksgiving night. Receiver Jamison Crowder finished the game with 141 yards and a score on seven grabs while back Samaje Perine hit 100 yards on 24 carries. And Washington's defense (or the Giants' ineptness, depending on how you look it at) came up big time, holding N.Y. to just 84 yards rushing and only 86 passing.

Dallas Cowboys (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -22

The Cowboys got lambasted by the Chargers last Thursday, falling 28-6 in a horrific home stand defeat. Dak Prescott went 20 for 27 in the losing effort, ultimately chalking up 179 yards, no touchdown throws and two interceptions. And without Ezekiel Elliot in the backfield, the Cowboys had to make do with Rod Smith - who concluded the game with 41 rushing yards and one TD on nine touches.

Green Bay Packers (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -29

Brett Hundley had his best pro game to date Sunday, but his Packers still succumbed to the Steelers 31-28. The backup QB went 17 for 26 for three touchdown passes, all three of which landed in the arms of different receivers. And running back Jamaal Williams had a pretty good showing, finishing the game with 66 yards and one trip to the end zone on 21 carries.

Oakland Raiders (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -36

With a 21-14 win over the Broncos, the Raiders remain just one game behind the Chiefs for the top spot in the AFC West. Amazingly, Derek Carr managed to rack up 253 yards without the assistance of Michael Crabtree or Amari Cooper - the former who was ejected after scrapping with Aqib Talib early in the first quarter and the latter who, after recording a touchdown early in the second (his only grab of the game), exited the game with concussion-like symptoms. As always, you can relive all of the joy, mirth and warmth of the victory in our official write-up of the game, which can be experienced in part or full anytime you like right here.

Arizona Cardinals (5-6)
Season Point Differential: -75

The Cards pulled off a pretty big upset Sunday, beating Jacksonville 27-24 in a back and forth affair. Amazingly, THE BLAINE GABBERT had one of the best games of his professional career, going 22 for 38 for 241 yards, two passing touchdowns and just one interception. And Adrian Peterson, despite recording no touchdowns, still looked pretty good, wrapping up the contest with 79 yards on 20 carries.

Houston Texans (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -2

In one of the fugliest games of the year, Houston dropped a tough 'un to Baltimore last Monday, 23-16. Tom Savage went 22 for 37 for 252 yards, no TD passes and two interceptions, while Lamar Miller finished the game with 51 yards and one TD run on 17 carries. Oh, and DeAndre Hopkins, despite scoring no touchdowns, had a pretty good showing, fantasy stats-wise: he wrapped up the game with 125 yards on seven receptions.

New York Jets (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -29

Even with Josh McCown lobbing the rock for 307 yards, the Jets didn't have enough gas left in their tanks to stage a late comeback against Carolina, who bested them 35-27 over the weekend. Receivers Jermaine Kearse and Robbie Anderson both finished the outing with more than 100 yards and at least one TD, with the latter racking up two touchdowns on six receptions. Alas, the run game sputtered out entirely, with top back Bilal Powell only able to muster 34 yards on nine carries.

Fuck - what do we have to do to make this the main event at the UFC's Super Bowl Saturday show?


Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -39

Following a 34-20 loss to the Falcons, these Bucs are all but dead in the water. Ryan Fitzpatrick went 27 for 44 for 283 yards, no TDs and no INTs in Sunday's defeat, while Peyton Barber (despite only registering seven yards on five carries) nonetheless managed to collect two rushing touchdowns on the day. Aye, with both Fitz and Jameis underperforming, is there a distinct chance that Tampa Bay could be eyeing a new QB acquisition come draft time?

Miami Dolphins (4-7)
Season Point Differential: -115

With Matt Moore under center, the Dolphins didn't exactly excel in a tough 35-17 loss to New England over the weekend. Jay Cutler's backup went 23 for 34 for 215 yards, one TD pass and two interceptions - but if you factor in the SEVEN times he got sacked (for a grand total of negative 61 yards), his net yardage was a very unimpressive 154 on the day. And the rushing game, to put it mildly, flat out sucked; Miami could only muster 67 yards on the ground, while their D let the Pats mulch up the field for 196 rushing yards.

Chicago Bears (3-8)
Season Point Differential: -75

There ain't a lot of positives to take away from Chicago's 31-3 mauling at the hands of the Eagles. Mitch "The Bitch" Trubisky had a day to forget, finishing the outing 17 for 33 for 147 yards, no touchdown passes and two interceptions. And with a stellar 12 yards on the ground, he was also the team's leading rusher (and just so you know, factoring in the tackles behind the line of scrimmage, the Bears ultimately wrapped up the game with a grand total of six rushing yards at the final horn.)

Denver Broncos (3-8)
Season Point Differential: -83

Paxton Lynch's pro debut went about as well as the Titanic's maiden voyage. In a 21-14 loss to the Raiders, the former Memphis Tiger went 9 for 14 for 41 yards, no touchdowns and an interception before leaving the game in the third with an ankle sprain. And if that wasn't bad enough, he then spent the rest of the game sitting on the bench, crying his eyes out while Trevor Siemian almost led Denver to a comeback, thus ensuring Lynch won't be playing in an NFL game that matters for a long time to come.

Indianapolis Colts (3-8)
Season Point Differential: -105

The Colts experienced a tough loss over the weekend, dropping a squeaker 20-16 against the Titans. Jacoby "Whisker Biscuit" Brissett went 17 for 29 for 196 yards in the losing effort, while Frank Gore recorded one rushing touchdown and 62 yards on 17 carries. Also: Brissett, who ate eight sacks over the weekend, is far and away the League leader in eating dirt; heading into week 13, he's been sacked 43 times

New York Giants (2-9)
Season Point Differential: -95

After falling to the Redskins 20-10 on Thanksgiving night, the Giants management has made the call to bench Eli Manning in favor of Geno Smith for this Sunday's game against the Raiders. This weekend marks the first time in 210 regular season games that Eli won't begin a game under center for the G-Men; depending on how things shake out down the stretch, we may have actually seen Eli play his last game as a Giant without even realizing it.

San Francisco 49ers (1-10)
Season Point Differential: -97

The Niners hit double digits on the right hand side of the W-L column via a 24-13 loss to the Seahawks Sunday. After CJ Beathard (22 for 38 for 201 yards, no TDs, one INT) went down with an injury, ex-Pat Jimmy Garoppolo FINALLY got an opportunity to toss the pigskin for the Niners. In total garbage time play, he went two for two for 18 yards - including a touchdown zip to former Raider Louis Murray.

Cleveland Browns (0-11)
Season Point Differential: -123

Another week, another loss for our Cleveland Browns. In a 30-16 loss to Cincinnati, DeShone Kizer went 18 for 31 for 268 yards, no touchdowns and no interceptions (plus another 39 yards scrambling, with a TD run) while Isaiah Crowell came just five yards shy of a triple digit rushing day. With just five games left on their schedule, the '17 Browns are on the verge of eclipsing the '08 Lions as the worst NFL team of the millennium  - needless to say, we're all rooting for them in their seemingly perpetual quest for futility

Monday, November 27, 2017

2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings (Week 13 - Conference Championships Edition!)

USA Today and the A.P. can take a hike - these are the only college football rankings anybody ought to care about.

By: Jimbo X

Do you honestly respect the opinions of organizations like ESPN or USA Today to give it to you straight about college football? Of course you don't, which is where The Internet In America's 2017 NCAA Football Top 25 Rankings come into play. Every Wednesday throughout the '17 season we'll post our own selections for the best teams in college football, complete with hilariously un-P.C. (yet surprisingly thorough) recaps of their last games as well as a brief preview of their upcoming contests. Plus, we're throwing in a whole bunch of animated GIFs you can steal and post elsewhere on the 'net, because we're cool like that. Simply put, you won't get better NCAA football analysis anywhere on the Internet - and if anybody else dare claims their rankings are more authoritative, you proudly have my permission to go to their corporate offices and take a big fat stankin' shat right on their doorsteps. And with all of that out of the way, who's ready to revisit the week that was in the best kind of football there is - the one with unpaid black people without due process in rape accusations?

Wisconsin (12-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Ohio State (Dec. 2)

After blanking Minnesota 31-0 in their regular season finale, the Badgers are the only undefeated team in Division IA with a shot of making the final four. It's pretty simple, really: if they beat Ohio State for the Big 10 Championship this Saturday, not only are they in the playoffs, they'll probably be seeded No. 1 overall. But if they lose? Well - something tells me there are several one-loss teams the selections committee are likely to choose over the boys from Madison.

Central Florida (11-0)
Next Opponent: vs. Memphis (Dec. 2)

Following a 49-42 shootout win against South Florida, the Knights find themselves going toe-to-toe with Memphis this weekend for the AAC title. Of course, even if Central Florida wins that one, there's no way in hell they'll make the playoffs - although it seems fairly reasonable they'd be in line for one of the other Big Six bowl games, perhaps.

Alabama (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

The Tide fell from the ranks of the unbeatens Saturday after Auburn bested 'em at the Iron Bowl 26-14. Alas, even with the L on their record one has to assume Alabama still has a pretty good chance of making the playoffs. Indeed, if TCU or Ohio State win out this weekend, it's next to impossible imagining the playoffs committee choosing them over Nick Saban's squad.

Clemson (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Miami (Dec. 2)

After shellacking South Carolina 34-10, Clemson now gets to lock horns with Miami for the ACC Championship this weekend. It's pretty much a feast or famine situation for the Tigers; if they beat the Hurricanes this Saturday, they're all but guaranteed a spot in the playoffs. But if they lose? My Magic 8-Ball says their postseason dreams start looking very, very hazy ... 

Oklahoma (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. TCU (Dec. 2)

After a 59-31 drubbing of West Virginia in their regular season finale, the Sooners now turn their attention to TCU in the first Big 12 Championship Game in more than a decade and a half. It's a "win and you're in" situation for Baker Mayfield and pals, without question; but if OU does lose, it's pretty much a guarantee they'll be eliminated from playoffs consideration, with Alabama more than likely getting what would've been their postseason berth.

Shit - Baker Mayfield just can't wait to be the next Eric Crouch, can he?

Georgia (11-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Auburn (Dec. 2)

If Georgia beats Auburn in the SEC Championship Game this Saturday, they're an absolute lock for the National Playoffs. Of course, that's easier said than done, seeing as how the Tigers have already beat 'em once this season, 40-17. A loss, however, all but takes the Bulldogs out of the playoffs discussion - but on the bright side, at least they'll have de facto home field advantage in Atlanta over the weekend.

Miami (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Clemson (Dec. 2)

A shock loss to Pittsburgh last Friday makes this Saturday's ACC title showdown against Clemson a true do or die situation for the Hurricanes. Simply put, if Miami wins, they're in the playoffs, and if they lose? Looks like it's Destination: Orange Bowl, or worse

Memphis (10-1)
Next Opponent: vs. Central Florida (Dec. 2)

The Tigers can take home the AAC Championship this Saturday - and in the process, end Central Florida's "unbeaten season" aspirations. I suppose the bigger question, though, is where does the team go from there; with a playoffs spot out of the question, will a hypothetical 11-1 Memphis team have the credentials to lock up a spot in a New Year's Six soiree?

Auburn (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Georgia (Dec. 2)

After upsetting Alabama at Jordan-Hare, the Tigers now travel to Atlanta Saturday to battle the Bulldogs for the SEC title. The arithmetic here couldn't get any simpler: if Auburn wins, they are an absolute LOCK for the playoffs. But if they lose - there's no way in hell a team with three losses is going to get invited to the final four.

Ohio State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Wisconsin (Dec. 2)

There was some intrigue in Saturday's 31-20 win over Michigan - most notably, in the allegations that a cameraperson tried to Tonya Harding J.T. Barrett before the game began. Alas, THE Ohio State will be competing for the Big 10 Championship against Wisconsin this Saturday, but even with a win it seems very, VERY unlikely that the team would get slotted in for a final four berth. Not that it's impossible - if TCU wins the Big 12, their MIGHT be an offhanded chance the Buckeyes get the No. 4 spot - but it's definitely a longshot I wouldn't gamble my shekels on.

J.T. Barrett, seen here demonstrating the proper way to grab dat pussy in a crowded room.

TCU (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Oklahoma (Dec. 2)

Even if the Horned Frogs beat Oklahoma this Saturday, there's no way in hell they make it to the playoffs. Indeed, this Big 12 Championship hootenanny is hardly anything more than TCU getting a chance to dash the Sooners' National Championship hopes - which, yeah, they most certainly could do this weekend.

USC (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Stanford (Dec. 1)

The PAC-12 is going to be the odd Power Five duck out this season, and both USC and Stanford know this Friday's conference championship is pretty much pointless. Still, a win here should raise the Trojans' stock for next season - and, of course, cement them in place for yet another Fiesta Bowl appearance come New Years' time.

Penn State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

It's destination unknown for the Nittany Diddler Protectors, who wrapped up their regular season campaign with a 66-3 beatdown of Rutgers. It's unlikely the team will get a New Year's Six bowl, but you never know - they could find themselves getting inserted into the Cotton Bowl, depending on how Championship Saturday shakes out.

Washington (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Although the Huskies did get the honor of beating the holy hell out of Washington State 41-14, it was for naught as Stanford did their part and held off Notre Dame to punch their ticket to the PAC-12 title game. Which means Washington is almost certainly headed towards either the Alamo Bowl or the Holiday Bowl, which is only slightly better than finding out you have AIDS.

South Florida (9-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Despite losing 49-42 against Central Florida Saturday, Bulls quarterback Quinton Flowers has nothing to be ashamed of. Why? Because the motherfucker only finished the game with 503 passing yards and four touchdowns, plus ANOTHER 102 yards running the ball (and with it, yet another end zone visit.) Yeah - at this point, I think it's safe to say this guy has outgrown his "poor man's Lamar Jackson" reputation; if anything, we probably ought to be calling Louisville's quarterback "a poor man's Quinton Flowers" from hereon out.

TFW when you score six touchdowns and put up more than 600 yards of offense and you still don't win the game.

San Diego State (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. T.B.D.

Despite having the best overall record of any team in the MWC, the Aztecs will be sitting at home crying and/or pulling their puds while 9-3 Boise State dukes it out with 9-3 Fresno State for the conference crown. Most likely that means SDSU will be showing up at the Honolulu Bowl on Christmas Eve, where they will match up with some also-ran from the AAC. Man - I can't imagine the overnight ratings on that shit.

Toledo (10-2)
Next Opponent: vs. Akron (Dec. 2)

Toledo is going for the MAC crown against Akron this weekend, if you're among the 60 or 70 people currently alive who gives a shit. Odds are the winner of that game will take on the de facto winner of the Sunbelt Conference in this year's Dollar General Bowl, which sounds like some shit a cynical asshole like me would make up as parody, but alas - sometimes, life just out-assholes even the assholiest of us all

Troy (9-2)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

Since the Sunbelt Conference won't have a championship game until next season, I suppose Troy is this year's de facto champ via possession of the conference's best overall record. Next up for the third best football program out of Alabama? Most likely an appearance at either the New Orleans Bowl or the AutoNation Cure Bowl - which, apparently, is the cure for insomnia.

Stanford (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. USC (Dec. 1)

With a victory over a very, very uninspired Notre Dame squad last weekend, the three-loss always singular Cardinal find themselves clashing with USC for the PAC-12 title this Friday evening. Neither the victor or the loser will get anywhere close to the National Playoffs, but there's a pretty good chance the victor will probably make an appearance in the Fiesta Bowl - as if that's any kind of motivation, which it most likely isn't.

Northwestern (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

With a 42-7 beatdown of Illinois behind them, Northwestern now has to play the waiting game to see where they will wind up in this year's bowl bonanza. Which, at this point, seems to point the Wildcats towards either the Heart of Dallas Bowl or the Quick Lane Bowl, which is held in the most scenic of resort cities in these United States ... Detroit

Sure, you might call it "shamelessly running up the score." And in this case - you'd be right.

Oklahoma State (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

Despite pummeling Kansas 58-17, the Cowboys lost the conference matholympics and got short changed out of an appearance in the Big 12 title game. But not all hope is lost for Mason Rudolph and pals - with a 9-3 final record, they can easily get slotted in for an appearance at the Alamo Bowl, the Camping World Bowl, or even that showcase of the immortals, the motherfuckin' Liberty Bowl.

Notre Dame (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

After succumbing to Stanford, the Irish find themselves all but eliminated from the New Year's Six bowl game discussion. Alas, with a 9-3 final record, Notre Dame nonetheless has a pretty good shot at making a mid-major like, uh, the Independence Bowl or the Pinstripe Bowl? Note to this year's Fighting Irish: wherever they're sending you, be sure to pack plenty of booze.

LSU (9-3)
Next Opponent: T.B.D.

After drubbing Texas A&M 45-21, the Tigers have to do a little bit of waiting to see where they'll be playing ball next. The Texas Bowl, The Birmingham Bowl and the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl are all distinct landing spots, as are the Belk Bowl, the Outback Bowl and the Citrus Bowl. And yes, all of those options suck, and horrifically.

Fresno State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Boise State (Dec. 2)

Well, Fresno State beat Boise State last Saturday, and now, this Saturday, they will be playing ... Boise State again. Will it be second verse, same as the verse in the 2017 MWC Championship Game? Looks like we'll just have to wait with bated breath to find out. That is, if we even bother checking the final score, which is about 50/50 at this point.

Boise State (9-3)
Next Opponent: vs. Fresno State (Dec. 2)

After falling 28-17 to Fresno State Saturday, the Broncos have an opportunity to exact instant revenge this weekend in a rematch that also doubles as the 2017 MWC Championship Game. Oh, and the contest is going to be held on Boise State's home turf, so for you motherfuckers who enjoy your college ball with Smurf-colored grass - well, get ready to have yourselves a ball.

Sunday, November 26, 2017

LIVE Play-By-Play Coverage from Week 12's Raiders vs. Broncos Game!

This Week's Episode:
"Win or GTFO"

By: Jimbo X

It's that time of year again, folks! As is the tradition here at The Internet Is In America, we're going to do our damnedest to give you LIVE play-by-play coverage of every single Oakland Raiders game of the season, including this afternoon's home stand against Denver. Join us LIVE on Sunday, Nov. 26 for our patented possession-by-possession coverage of week 12's Raiders vs. Broncos game, with the festivities beginning at 4 p.m. Eastern time. There'll be updates every commercial break, so be sure to bookmark this shit prior to kickoff. And, as always, do us and yourselves a kindness and let all your fellow Raiders fans know what we're up to by posting links to our coverage on your social media pages. Hey, we're all in this together, remember (#SilverAndBlackLivesMatter)

1:49 PM - Alright, you fucks, kickoff is at 4:25 PM Eastern

1:49 PM - The Raiders head into this game 4-6 while the Broncos are 3-7. 

1:49 PM - Raiders cornerback David Amerson is STILL out of action. The following players are listed as questionable for Oakland: linebacker Cory James, guard Gabe Jackson, and wide receivers Johny Holton and Cordarrelle Patterson.

1:50 PM - And on the other side of the field, here's the injury report for the Broncos: defensive end Adam Gotsis, defensive tackle Domato Peko, tight end Jeff Heurman, linebacker Shane Ray and receiver Emmanuel Sanders are all listed as questionable.

1:51 PM - The over/under is set at 41 and Vegas has the Raiders as -3.5 favorites.

1:52 PM - The relevant offensive and defensive stats are below:

1:53 PM - ESPN'S Football Power Index gives Oakland a 70.4 percent chance to win today's ball game. Alas, the Raiders haven't exactly been stellar at home - defending their turf (which includes last week's "home game" in Mexico City), Oakland is 2-3. However, it's still better than the Broncos' away record - they're 0-4 on the season outside of the state of Colorado.

1:54 PM - I'll be back around 4 p.m. See you then, kids.

4:05 PM - Alright, kickoff will be in just a couple of minutes. Amazingly, the Raiders can pull within one game of the Kansas City Chiefs by chalking up a W this afternoon, following K.C. dropping their 1 p.m. game against Buffalo 16-10.

4:12 PM - Update: all of the Raiders players listed as questionable earlier this afternoon WILL play. Amerson, however, is still going to be sidelined.

4:13 PM - Of course, the big story in this game is Paxton Lynch's debut for Denver. It's not like he can play any worse than the guys who have been starting - I mean, the Broncos aren't on a six game losing streak for nothing.

4:17 PM - Oh, and I wouldn't be betting on this one: both teams this season have been TERRIBLE against the spread. The Raiders are 3-6-1 while the Broncos are 2-7-1.

4:27 PM - Raiders get the ball first.

4:28 PM - Third and four for Oakland already. Incomplete to Roberts. Time to punt.

4:29 PM - The Denver return man goes down at his own 20.

4:30 PM - Paxton Lynch up to bat for the first time in his professional career.

4:30 PM - C.J. Anderson runs for four.

4:30 PM - Vanderdoes hits the ball carrier right at the line.

4:31 PM - Third and five. And Lynch overshoots his receiver. Broncos have to punt.

4:32 PM - Jalen Richard the returner. The ball rolls out of bounds somewhere around the 30.

4:34 PM - Lynch runs for four.

4:35 PM - Second and six. Chris Harris of the Broncos is walking off the field.

4:36 PM - Lynch runs it up the gut for four. Holy shit, Michael Crabtree just Bill Goldberg slammed Aqib Talib down the sideline and now they're having an honest to goodness fist fight on the field.

4:39 PM - We've got dueling brawls on TWO spots on the field. Like, punches and shit are getting thrown for real. Crabtree and Talib are both thrown out of the game. And Gabe Jackson is tossed for running into a referee.

4:41 PM - Chris Harris is back in the game. And Roberts hauls in a 20-yard pick up on third and 15.

4:42 PM - Washington runs for two, maybe three.

4:43 PM - Lynch runs for about seven.

4:43 PM - Third and one. Lynch gets driven behind the line. Time to punt.

Well, it may have taken a year, but he FINALLY got revenge on Aqib Talib for stealing his gold chain.

4:47 PM - Broncos take over around their own 20. Janovich runs for about 20 yards. A flag is down. It's holding against Denver. 

4:48 PM - First and 20. This is like The Longest Yard or Blitz: The League in real life. Nobody can play football worth a fuck, but at least they know how to fight like motherfuckers.

4:49 PM - Third and 12. The blitz is on and Lynch just dumps it off behind the line of scrimmage.

4:50 PM - Shit, I haven't even brought up the fact Bill Musgrave (the Raiders O.C. last year) is calling the shots for the Broncos' O this week. 

4:51 PM - Looks like the Raiders will take over damn near around midfield on their next possession.

4:52 PM - Lynch hit behind the line. A flag is down - roughing the passer against Denver. 

4:54 PM - Derek Wolfe is out for the remainder of the game for Denver. Lynch goes down behind the line again.

4:55 PM - Second and 11. Lynch hit behind the line, again.

4:55 PM - Third and 13. And Carr gets sacked.

4:56 PM - King out to punt again. Denver's return man fair catches it at his own 8.

5:00 PM - Booker runs for four.

5:01 PM - Second and six. Lynch runs to move the chains. Paxton Lynch, that is. Not Marshawn.

5:01 PM - Paxton has the worst mustache you've ever seen in your life, by the way. The back gets three on the first down run.

5:01 PM - Mack bats down the pass.

5:01 PM - John Pagano is the new D.C. for the Raiders, remember. Third and seven.

5:02 PM - Flag is down. Delay of game against Denver.

5:03 PM - Third and 12. Lynch scrambles, but he goes down well short of the first down marker. A flag is down. It's against the Broncos. The Raiders decline.

5:04 PM - Broncos punt. It was nearly blocked. The ball rolls into the OAK 30.

5:04 PM - Lynch runs for about a yard.

5:05 PM - Second and nine. Carr fumbles and Denver recovers.

5:06 PM - Broncos take over at the OAK 25.

5:07 PM - Second and six. Thomas gains a yard and that's the end of the first quarter.

5:10 PM - It's a 20-yard touchdown pass to Booker. But the play is being reviewed.

5:11 PM - Never mind. He was down by contact at the one, the refs say.

5:12 PM - First and goal for Denver. The Raiders D stuffs him at the line.


5:14 PM - The play, however, is being reviewed. He caught that motherfucker flat on his back, too. OK, it's an INT, officially.

5:15 PM - Second and five. Washington gets 11 and a new set of downs.

5:16 PM - Lynch runs for two.

5:16 PM - Second and eight. Lynch hauls in a 20-yard pass to take it past midfield.

5:17 PM - 15-yard penalty against the Broncos for face-masking.

5:18 PM - Oakland is at the DEN 25. Lee Smith picks up 13 yards for a new set of downs.

5:19 PM - Richard takes it to the DEN 4. An eight yard gain.

5:20 PM - Flag is down. False start against Newhouse pushes the Raiders back five yards.

5:21 PM - Second and seven. TOUCHDOWN AMARI COOPER!

5:21 PM - Giorgio's PAT is good. Raiders lead it 7-0.

Amari Cooper, seen here in a rare instance of the talented receiver actually holding on to the ball.

5:25 PM - Broncos take over at their own 25. Anderson runs for one.

5:26 PM - Second and nine. Thomas gets a four yard gain before going down.

5:26 PM - Third and five. AUTRY WITH THE SACK!

5:27 PM - Broncos gotta' punt. Richard goes down right around midfield.

5:30 PM - Roberts reels it in for six.

5:31 PM - Second and four. Lynch runs for what looks like three yards.

5:31 PM - Never mind, it was enough to move the sticks. Richard runs it right up the middle for nine yards.

5:32 PM - Second and one. Lynch gets more than enough to move the chains. A flag is down.

5:33 PM - It's a five yard penalty against Denver.

5:33 PM - The Raiders call a timeout.

5:34 PM - Cooper got a helmet to shoulder shot. He is still down.

5:35 PM - Denver gets hit with a 15-yard penalty. Commercial break for the injury.

5:38 PM - Cooper is walking back to the locker room.

5:38 PM - Lynch runs it down to the DEN 4.

5:39 PM - Second and three. Patterson can't hold on to the ball in the end zone, but flags are EVERYWHERE.

5:40 PM - Raiders get a first and goal at the DEN 1. 

5:40 PM - TOUCHDOWN JARED COOK! Oh fuck, now the play is being reviewed.

5:42 PM - The call is reversed. That makes it second and goal for Oakland.

5:43 PM - Lynch gets half a yard on the run.

5:44 PM - Third and goal. AND LYNCH RUMBLES IN FOR THE SCOR!

5:45 PM - Giorgio's kick is good. The Raiders extend their lead, 14-0.

5:47 PM - Broncos take over around their own 25.

5:48 PM - Second and 10. Almost intercepted by Sean Smith.

5:48 PM - Yep, it's a three and out for Denver.

5:51 PM - And there's the two-minute warning.

5:53 PM - Second and 10 for the Raiders. Washington takes it into Denver territory with a 15 yard run.

5:54 PM - Washington gets a yard.

5:54 PM - The pass to Paterson is almost picked off.

5:55 PM - Third and nine. Washington takes it to the DEN 42. 

5:56 PM - Denver calls a timeout. Fifty seconds left in the half.

5:57 PM - King is out to punt. 

5:58 PM - And Patterson downs the ball at the DEN 1.

5:58 PM - Second and six. Doesn't look like Denver will have enough time to run another play.

5:58 PM - And there's the half. Raiders head into halftime with a 14-0 lead. Time to walk a puppy. See you in about 20 kids.

No wonder Denver can't score. Their new QB is spending half the game cruising Grindr!
6:13 PM - The Broncos get the ball back to begin the third quarter.

6:13 PM - Booker gets a gain of four.

6:14 PM - Second and seven. Booker goes down at the line.

6:14 PM - Third and seven. Sanders reels in the first down pass.

6:15 PM - Paxton fumbles the ball and has to hop on it behind the line. A six yard loss.

6:16 PM - Second and 14. Booker wrapped up after a gain of two yards.

6:16 PM - Third and 12. AUTRY SACKS PAXTON AGAIN!

6:17 PM - Broncos have to punt. Richard goes down around the OAK 30.

6:19 PM - Marshawn runs for about two.

6:20 PM - Second and eight. Obvious false start against Denver.

6:21 PM - Second and three for the Raiders. Lynch easily gets enough to move the sticks.

6:22 PM - Patterson with about eight yards on a sweep. Flags are down.

6:23 PM - Ten yard holding penalty against the Raiders. 

6:23 PM - First and 14. Holton gets four on the catch.

6:24 PM - Second and 10. Lynch goes nowhere on the run.

6:24 PM - Third and 10. The Raiders call a timeout.



6:29 PM - Girogio's PAT is good. Denver gets hit with a running into the kicker penalty. It's 21-0, Raiders.

6:32 PM - Booker goes down at the DEN 10 on the ensuing kickoff.

6:33 PM - Second and seven. Thomas gets five on the catch.

6:34 PM - Third and two. Looks like the receiver was about a yard shy. And oh shit, Paxton is DOWN.

6:35 PM - Trevor Siemian is coming into the game. Fourth and less than a length of the football. Now the Broncos are challenging the spot of the ball.

6:38 PM - The call stands. The Broncos punt.

6:39 PM - The Raiders down it around their own 35.

6:41 PM - Lynch runs for three.

6:42 PM - Second and seven. Lynch rumbles for about five. Third and one coming up.

6:43 PM - Lynch goes down in the backfield. King out to punt.

6:44 PM - The Denver return man downs it at the DEN 6.

6:45 PM - Siemian tosses it to the man on the moon.

6:45 PM - Second and 10. The pass to Thomas is no good - Nelson almost intercepted it.

6:46 PM - Third and 10. Sanders is swallowed up right at the line.

6:47 PM - Richard runs out of bounds around the OAK 43. The Raiders get hit with a ten-yard penalty.

6:47 PM - Patterson picks up 12 on the first down pass.

6:48 PM - Lynch runs for three.

6:49 PM - And Lynch has enough to move the sticks. 

6:49 PM - But it's negated by a holding call against the Raiders.

6:50 PM - Second and 18. Washington gets five on a screen. And that's the end of the third quarter.

Oh, hell son. You about to become the first person in history to ever get memed to death.

6:53 PM - Richard about five yards short of the first down marker. Time to punt.

6:54 PM - The Broncos fair catch it at their own 7.

6:54 PM - Incomplete on first down.

6:55 PM - Smith has a 17-yard catch and run to move the sticks.

6:56 PM - Nelson drags down Siemian after a four yard run.

6:57 PM - Second and six. Traylor with a 33 yard catch and run.

6:57 PM - Booker runs it up the gut for four.

6:58 PM - No huddle. Fowler gets eight.

6:58 PM - Denver at the OAK 30. Fowler with two, possible three yards.

6:58 PM - Second and six. Trevor's deep shot to the end zone is WAY overthrown.

6:59 PM - Third and six. Deflected, and the pass is incomplete.

7:00 PM - Broncos going for it on fourth and six. And Lattimer hauls it in for a touchdown.

7:01 PM - That one was a 25-yard pass. The PAT is good. It's 21-7, Oakland.

7:04 PM - The Raiders recover the onside kick at the DEN 48.

7:05 PM - Lynch hit behind the line for a four-yard loss.

7:06 PM - Second and 13. Cook gets about two and it is starting to rain pretty hard.

7:06 PM - Third and 11. LYNCH WITH A 23 YARD CATCH AND RUN!

7:07 PM - Lynch runs for about four.

7:08 PM - Second and seven. And that'll be another first down run for Lynch.

7:08 PM - Flags down. False start against the Raiders puts them back five.

7:09 PM - First and 15 at the DEN 20. Cook drops the pass.

7:10 PM - Second and 15. Lynch gets three yards. More flags.

7:11 PM - An illegal formation call against the Raiders.

7:11 PM - Denver declines the penalty, so it's now third and 15.

7:12 PM - Cook can't haul it in in the end zone.

7:13 PM - Here comes Giorgio for a field goal attempt. The 35-yarder is no good.

7:15 PM - Denver gets the ball back at their own 17.

7:16 PM - Sanders drops the pass.

7:16 PM - Siemian scrambles and slides for about six.

7:17 PM - Third and five. Thomas converts.

7:17 PM - Incomplete to Thomas.

7:18 PM - Second and 10. The back is hit behind the line.

7:19 PM - Third and 10. The Broncos get a 12 yard pick-up.


7:20 PM - Second and 17. The pass is incomplete. But flags are everywhere.

7:20 PM - Pass interference call against the Raiders.

7:21 PM - Denver has it at midfield. Incomplete to Lattimer.

7:21 PM - Lattimer goes out of bounds at the OAK 37.

7:22 PM - Third and two. Lattimer holds on to it to make the first down conversion.

7:23 PM - Incomplete downfield, intended for Traylor.

7:23 PM - And it's a touchdown strike to Fowler. A 22-yard TD pass.

7:24 PM - The XP is good. It's 21-14, Raiders with 2:39 left in the fourth.

7:27 PM - Patterson goes down at the OAK 13.

7:28 PM - Lynch is driven backwards. The Broncos take a timeout.

7:28 PM - Second and 14. Lynch gets five. Denver takes their final timeout.

7:29 PM - Third and eight. Olwale is in the backfield.


7:33 PM - Derek Carr in the victory formation already.

7:34 PM - And that's the ball game kids. The Raiders hold on to the 21-14 victory and improve to 5-6 on the year - which, yes, means they are just one game behind the first place Kansas City Chiefs heading into the final month of the regular season.

7:35 Pm - Get ready folks - it's going to be one crazy ass December